I am a 28-year-old straight
woman who has been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two months.
Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my couch.
The next day, as I went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on
the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I have come to the
conclusion that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality
and was located where his buttcrack region was placed during the
encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what shit smells
like!
Okay, so the question: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
Is this normal for men? Can I talk to him about this? Should I? I would
like to be open and honest with him, but how do I even broach the
subject?
I suspect that he knows that shit stains are
an issue for him, because we were recently packing for a weekend trip
and he got upset when I went to fold/pack his underwear. He wouldn’t
let me handle the undies because he didn’t want me to “see any stains.”
I didn’t think anything of it, assuming that he left occasional skid
marks as some guys do, and I just made a joke about my period panties
and moved on. But now I am annoyed. He should have realized what had
happened when I blew him and at least tried to clean it up while I was
sleeping or otherwise occupied.
Is pooping on the couch a deal breaker? Or
can we be “cleaner” in the future and protect my bedding and furniture
somehow?
Shit On Furniture Annoys Girl A Lot
Seeing as he’s aware that he has a
problem—he acknowledged as much when he kept his underwear out of
your hands—this straight boy, at the very least, should’ve
thought to spot-check your sofa after grinding his ass into it for the
duration of that blowjob. But you have to take some responsibility,
too, SOFAGAL. You encouraged this young man to plop his naked ass down
on your sofa and proceeded to engage in the kinds of behaviors that
would cause any man to (1) open his legs and (2) grind his ass into
whatever he happened to be sitting on. And where bare asses are set,
shit stains are always a possibility.
So I’d say you’re both at fault, SOFAGAL.
Knowing what he knows about his own ass, the boy should’ve eyeballed
your sofa and discreetly cleaned up after himself. But, again, shit
stains can happen when you allow a nude man to sit his bare ass on your
sofa, SOFAGAL, and commence blowing him. If I may invoke/resurrect a
Rumsfeldism: Prior to this incident, blowjob-related shit stains on the
sofa were, for you, an unknown unknown—something you
didn’t know you didn’t know—but in the wake of this incident,
shit stains are now a known known. And knowing what you now
know, SOFAGAL, you might consider placing a towel—might I suggest
a beige one?—on any sofa that you invite this man, or any other
man, to set his bare bottom on prior to blowing him.
Finally, SOFAGAL, how to broach the subject?
With a sense of humor. Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite
literally sometimes—and not just to men. Let him know that he
tagged your sofa—try to smile when you say it—and then head
to the nearest gay neighborhood to pick up some brown or beige bath
towels. And come on, how bad can it really have been if you didn’t
notice when your nose was down there?
My wife and I got into S&M about two years ago, and it’s done a wonderful job of spicing up an
otherwise very vanilla marriage. It was the odd happy ending to the
usual doomed story of “husband who knows he’s submissive finally gets
courage to tell vanilla wife.” We’re constantly upping our
game—we went from pegging and D/s to flogging to hardcore
beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our
boundaries.
Now we’re looking into electrical play. Our
question is about cattle prods. Are they safe? We’ve seen a couple of
BDSM porn movies where a cattle prod gets used, but we have no idea if
these are prop cattle prods or the real deal. And are there any books
out there on safe electro-stim play?
Sub Needs Some Shocks
“Electric play is a great addition to BDSM,
but cattle prods are a bad choice as they’re not designed for use on
humans,” says David X, an electrical engineer who used to work in tech
but today designs e-stim products for Eros Tek. “There are several
reports of muscle injuries and even a few broken bones from
prod-induced involuntary muscle contractions,” David continues. “Burns
and nerve damage are also possible. There really isn’t any way to make
a cattle prod safe, but if you must, use it only below the waist and
make each shock as brief as possible. Make sure the submissive does not
have weight or tension on their limbs and has room for safe
movement.”
And if you’re attached to your balls, SNSS,
and would like to remain attached to them, make sure they’re not tied
to anything. But, again, neither David nor I think you should use a
cattle prod at all. David has a bias, of course, and would prefer to
see you purchase something designed for use on humans—preferably
something designed by him—but your bias-free advice professional
strongly agrees with David: Invest in a product designed for use on
humans.
“The best devices for BDSM electric play are
made for that purpose,” says David. “They can deliver very intense
sensations while being much safer than a cattle prod. As for books,
you’re best off following the instructions that come with whatever
device you purchase. This is another advantage of the BDSM
products—they come with instructions for using them on humans
instead of cattle.”
I’m a 23-year-old straight
female. I have been friends with this guy for the past two and a half
years and would like to continue. Problem is he gets jealous (because
he has the hots for me, but I’m not interested) and a bit distant
whenever there is a boyfriend/date in the picture. I’m not sure if I
should approach him about this or not.
Just Friends Jealousy
Maintaining a friendship with a man who has
the “hots” for you when you’re not interested isn’t kind, JFJ, it’s
emotionally sadistic. Maybe it’s thoughtless sadism on your part, but
it’s sadism nonetheless. Because for as long as you’re hanging out with
him, JFJ, he’s going to delude himself into thinking that he has a
chance with you. And every time a potential boyfriend appears on the
horizon—someone for whom you do have the hots—he’s going to
realize, once again, that he’s a fool and, perhaps, being played for
one. (How many times has he helped you move?)
Your friendship, while a marvelous treasure
under most circumstances, is not a consolation prize for this guy. It’s
a torment. He doesn’t have the strength to cut you out of his
life—something that, if he’s reading, I would strongly advise him
to do—so you’re going to have to do it for him, JFJ. If you
don’t, well, you can’t claim that your sadism is thoughtless anymore.
It’s overt, conscious cruelty—”mean girl” bullshit. And if you’re
not careful, Garfunkel & Oates will write a song about you. 
Yes! men and women can be friends but everyone need to be up front. I know women that keep guys around and basically use them as default boyfriends. They love the ego boost of having a guy at their beck and call. If they have a problem – who do they call (schmuck), if they need to move – who do they call (schmuck), If they want a free dinner and a nice place – who do they call (schmuck) after that guy they fucked the first night after meeting in a bar doesn’t call, who do they call (schmuck). Ladies! one of the reasons we put up with your madness is for sex! We don’t get madness from our male friends!
So really you are not doing a guy a favor by sharing your madness with him without the benefits. Let the poor emotional tampon (schmuck) go!
Right on, Dan!
SNSS: Do you REALLY want to clamp a cattle prod on your balls?? OUCH! Hooookayyyy….they’re of course, your balls…
I’m with Girl with guy friends. If you’re honest and up front about simply sharing a friendship, what’s the harm? Just don’t lead them on, JFJ. Otherwise, yes–that would be cruel.
Thin toilet paper, etc is no excuse. Wad it up, & wipe it til it’s clean. Can’t reach a faucet? Spit-shine is fine. The rest of the population somehow manages to keep it clean–get a tutor if necessary.
It’s rare, but some people are actually born without the sphincter muscle around their anus, or have some other malformation of the area. My great grandfather and his sister both had this type of deformity. He had no sphincter, and no bowel control, and she had literally no separation between vagina and rectum, just one opening for both.
One thing that happens during great sexual arousal and orgasm is that you bear down, very similarly to having a bowel movement. Most people have automatic control to keep everything in the butt, but not everyone is physically able to do that, and if you can’t, it’s terribly embarrassing.
Meh. Honestly, to the women who think it’s not a terribly big deal for a man who is attracted to them to maintain a friendship are…well, delusional. I was friends with a woman for years before we realized that a latent sexual chemistry was there. She’d just ditched an asshole-to-females who was in my circle of friends (and who she’d dated for five years of me knowing him) and wound up in bed with me one drunken night.
Then I realized I just couldn’t be her rebound boy – I’d been her friend for far too long to not make a go of it and I wasn’t seeking a fucktoy at the time. So our FWB went downhill fast.
Now, the “pretty girl” syndrome, on the other hand – the attractive female that enjoys the male attention but does not act upon it and draws out the relationship – that’s bitchery at its finest. Savage is spot-on with this. It doesn’t have to be a woman, either; gay males with a pretty little boy have this syndrome as well, but the emotionally manipulative pretty girl abusing her socially awkward male friend is a fairly common trope.
“But what about…” Yes, yes, yes, I’m absolutely positive that somewhere there is one example of how this works out for all involved and that one male really doesn’t mind how she treats him just as a good friend even though he drools on his pillow and secretly rubs the panties he stole from her undies drawer the last time he moved her into her new place.
But ultimately, it boils down to: if you have to ask Dan Savage for advice on how to deal with your male friend if you’re a female friend who just likes him “as a friend” – you’ve mindfucked the boy and not in a good way. IE, you’re a bitch, and you know it.
Now, there are indeed many men who are otherwise detained in a relationship with a woman (married, engaged, etc) and don’t know what the fuck they want, so they focus attention on a female friend who is, for lack of a better word, off-limits. And women who do not know that about men, and more specifically married men in difficult situations with their SOs or spouses, should not be shocked.
Also, to the chick that has a boyfriend with a poo stain on her couch?
Jesus fuck, don’t be shocked when money comes out of the ATM. Hygiene aside, there are people whom I will never doggy-style simply because the lack of attention to the pucker-ring and surrounding territory made sexual relations a funny olfactory smell. Stop it with the stereotypes – sure, I piss all over the toilet seat when drunk. If I haven’t showered in a couple of days and I’ve crapped at least once, then yes, residuals are going to be around my bunghole. Solution: invite the guy to shower with you prior to sexual activity and the towels are right there. Notifying him of the idea that you like to fuck him while CLEAN is probably going to be much better in the long run than “YOU SHIT ON MY COUCH YOU DIRTY FUCK!”
But again, you wrote to Savage Love with this problem, which means, to me, that there’s a 99.9% chance you already launched on his ass with a passive-aggressive streak of whiny shit about how he modified the tanning process of your couch. Honey, it’s a couch. If it’s not leather, it’s fabric. Clean it up, and maybe next time you’ll understand why kinky old ladies cover all their furniture in plastic.
What’s with all this shit about how JFJ’s friend is this helpless victim, and she’s off dating assholes and he needs to be an asshole to get her to date him?
Here’s another way to get a girl to date you: be HONEST about your intentions. Ask her out sometime before you develop a set friendship. Hanging around some girl that you have a crush on for years, bitterly watching as she dates other guys, and then getting pissed at her and attacking her taste in men because it doesn’t include YOU is not exactly attractive. It’s just… creepy. You don’t have to be attracted to assholes in order to be unattracted to creeps.
Having a crush on a friend would be normal if the crush developed after the friendship, but even then, he’s obligated to say something about it.
And why are there still so many people who think that men and women can’t be platonic friends unless the man secretly wants to fuck the woman? There are only two ways that someone can think this:
1) You were raised in one of those weird polygamist cults where boys and girls are completely separated from each other until their teenage years, and you were taught that women were these otherly beings that are too different for you to relate to them in any way that doesn’t involve procreation. Or, similarly, you were taught that they were inferior things that are only good for baby-making, and why would you want to lower yourself to relating to them in any other way without that end goal in mind?
2) You’re one of those guys like JFJ’s friend who becomes “friends” with girls you’re attracted to instead of asking them out or fucking them, so you’re only experiences with opposite-sex friendships are ones where you wanted to fuck the girl.
Normal people have plenty of platonic friendships as well as sexual partners. If you don’t want to fuck someone, it doesn’t have to mean that you therefore want absolutely nothing else to do with them, either.
124: I’ve taken a poo every day or so of my life for the past 40 years. Most of my poo is hard and lumpy and larger in diameter than most dicks. According to your theory, my a-hole should be stretched and uncontrollable. Exactly the opposite: it is nice and tight.
142: With Kids-n-cats you expect some poo and pee every so often. With kids they outgrow it. And pets seem to be surprisingly clean, considering their lack of opposable thumbs. Adults, having opposable thumbs, a basic knowledge of hygiene and access to Charmin, should be able to clean themselves. Wipe your bum. Take a look at the TP, is it clean? If it is, you are clean. If it’s not, repeat.
This guy, due to his fear of her seeing his underwear, knows he has a cleaning issue. That’s gross and lazy. You don’t like cleaning your ass so much that you’d rather have shitty underwear? Ick.
One of my best girlfriends ever had a minor hygiene problem: I was licking the lobes of her ears and came upon some crusties. I told her. She started cleaning them. It was barely a blip on the road. Obviously, “buttscape” cleaning issues are a bigger and more obvious problem. It’s weird how some people don’t learn basics. But people are animals, after all, and sometimes we do some monkey-ass shit. I once had a flatmate who was fat and probably had cleaning issues of her own, and she left the toilet in a wrecked state with toilet paper everywhere (ewwwwww!). Just saying: it could be worse.
Anyway, my thought is that the campfire rule shouldn’t just be applied by older lovers to their young initiates. Maybe we should all try to leave our current S.O.’s and lovers better off.
So, I say: Get all nursey on him and teach him how to wipe his butt. He’ll probably freak out and, being unable to disassociate you from this strong and graphic lesson (not to mention linking you with a sense of shame in his mind), he’ll probably move to another state. But deep down he’ll know you were right, he’ll wipe his butt, he won’t have skid marks, his confidence will grow, and he’ll always think of you fondly and regret ever losing you.
One of my best girlfriends ever had a minor hygiene problem: I was licking the lobes of her ears and came upon some crusties. I told her. She started cleaning them. It was barely a blip on the road. Obviously, “buttscape” cleaning issues are a bigger and more obvious problem. It’s weird how some people don’t learn basics. But people are animals, after all, and sometimes we do some monkey-ass shit. I once had a flatmate who was fat and probably had cleaning issues of her own, and she left the toilet in a wrecked state with toilet paper everywhere (ewwwwww!). Just saying: it could be worse.
Anyway, my thought is that the campfire rule shouldn’t just be applied by older lovers to their young initiates. Maybe we should all try to leave our current S.O.’s and lovers better off.
So, I say: Get all nursey on him and teach him how to wipe his butt. He’ll probably freak out and, being unable to disassociate you from this strong and graphic lesson (not to mention linking you with a sense of shame in his mind), he’ll probably move to another state. But deep down he’ll know you were right, he’ll wipe his butt, he won’t have skid marks, his confidence will grow, and he’ll always think of you fondly and regret ever losing you.
I think we should call such a gross predicament a Chaney, or a Bush – It’s the shit left behind.
Poop on the couch is gross and definatley not normal. Seriously, how hard is it to wash your ass? He obviously knows he has a problem, maybe her telling him about the incident will inspire him to scrub his backside next time he showers.
i agree with the first comment.
years ago i had a HUGE crush on a friend of mine with whom i spent an ungodly amount of time. i had just moved to olympia, and i didn’t have many friends; this boy and i had a lot in common, and always had a great time hanging out. when i finally confessed my crush on him he made it pretty clear that it wasn’t going to happen, but he did it in a caring way.
have you talked to this guy about his feelings, or have you just figured it out from his behavior? i feel like you both could benefit from an honest conversation, however awkward it may be to begin it.
once we got the feelings out in the open it was a lot easier for me to move on when he fell in love with someone else. that was about five years ago, since then this person has grown into one of the best friends i’ve ever had. he married that girl he fell in love with, and once i let go of the feelings i harbored for him i was able to explore more realistic options. i think it’s totally possible to turn a crush into a genuine friendship as long as the people involved sincerely care about each other, and the lines of communication are open.
while 4 years may not seem like much, the gap is enough to expose different levels of maturity in a relationship. in this country the age of adolescents has been extended to somewhere around 26 years old for the typical male. helicopter parents and an ever present government have slowed male mental development. SOFAGAL at 28 is dating an adolescent 24 year old male. adolescents by definition rarely take notice of things like bad breath, smelly armpits and shit butt. a few hints might help him grow up a little. anyone who decides to date an adolescent should expect things like this.
As noted upstream, there are some medical conditions that can result in anal leakage. I’m a 60-year-old gay physician, and in the last 10 years I’ve developed a very embarrassing problem with occasional farting/slight anal leakage upon orgasm. I actually considered writing to this column to make inquiries, since it’s not something that’s generally addressed in your typical medical text on gastroenterology. I’ve had a hemorrhoidectomy in the past which may have contributed to the problem, but other than that, no other GI-related medical conditions. Would appreciate others weighing in on this phenomenon. It’s pretty much put me off sex.
I’ve never understood the “guys can never be friends with women” mentality. I guess it’s because I’m gay. However, if you extrapolate that to my situation, I guess I, as a gay man who likes to sleep with men, should never be able to have guy friends. God, that’s just stupid.
I’ve been in the LJL situation from both sides. The response to the issue is very situational.
When I had a crush on this one “friend” he used it knowing he had me wrapped around his finger. I realized the situation and started avoiding him like the plague because I realized it was unhealthy.
However, another crush I had on a “friend” ended up with him being one of the best friends I’ve had in my lifetime. We meshed so well it wasn’t funny. In a way I haven’t with any other friend I’ve had and in a way I haven’t with my two boyfriends. We were just so simpatico. If he hadn’t died young, I know we would still be friends to this day. I would never have given up the crush either, but I certaintly would never have outwardly shown jealousy concerning his boyfriends either. Actually, one of them became just as important a friend in my life as he was, although in a different way.
Also, in the situation where the person had the crush on me, I had to watch the situation carefully. I would let the “crusher” know about other people, but would try to make sure I didn’t rub it in their face by sharing intimate details if they weren’t up to that. However, some couldn’t handle that well and we drifted for a while. Be aware, however, that jealousy can occur with any friend when you get a new Significant Other. Your friend loses some of their access to you because of the SO and now has to find something to do with themselves when they used to spend much of their time with you.
So, differentiate.
As for Mr. Poop. Get over it people. I don’t like poop, but it’s just poop. It’s amazing how much you can get over these aversions once you have a child or a pet. I’ve slept in a damp bed before because of a leaky one. I just clean it up later. I would get out of the bed for stank, but you just take care of it. Let the guy know that you don’t appreciate it and if he ever expects to get a little again he should clean first. However, just remember, just because it looks clean, it doesn’t mean it’s germ free. So, would you really want to put your face on a couch/bed/etc that someone just had their ass on? If you say yes, you need to go to a remedial hygiene class (I can’t believe the number of people who touch the handles of a sink after they’ve just washed their hands in a public toilet – You’ve just touched the handles of something you touched with dirty hands and are now dirty again).
rjm1604 – try enemas if you’re expecting/hoping for some sex — just clean yourself out. Also, try changing your diet. Add more binders until your tight enough that this isn’t a problem. More Cheese and bananas is a good place to start. Just a thought.
re: Episode 138 in which a woman is concerned because her gentleman friend won’t pony up with the cunnilingus, i want to offer an alternative viewpoint that sexual incompatibility doesn’t mean that a relationship has to end. if i didn’t throw down with the pussy eating for my ladyfriend, i would assume that she would go and find it elsewhere, and to be honest i would think less of her if she didn’t. loving someone means affirming their well-being, which sometimes entails them seeking out the conditions of their well-being from people other than you.
to all the girls with guy-friends into you but youre not into to them. Yes you can have him as a friend without doing any thing sadistic. And the cost of it is getting him laid or into a relationship (with someone as mateworthy as yourself). If you can’t do that because he is a mildly mentally retarded person (or equivalent) that no one in your league would get with then your friendship is crack to him, and you’re not just his crack dealer, you’re also the one who got him hooked on crack in the first place.
If you’re morally opposed to foisting him on some girl because that would betray your gender, you’re not his really his friend. Bros before hos! The way you need a shoulder to cry on and complain about bitchy waitresses and creepy guys, he needs a warm vulva to insert his penis in; The first is your biological imperative the latter is his.
If you think its not your place as his friend, then what the fuck do you think friends are for if not helping each other achieve life goals. As a girl your chances of replicating before you die are close to 90%. His, on the other hand are about 45%.
“We’re constantly upping our game—we went from pegging and D/s to flogging to hardcore beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our boundaries.”
OK, see, I feel like this should be something that’s addressed. Exploration good, sure, but isn’t it terribly imprudent to burn through all those exciting new possibilities in two years, when you’ve got the whole rest of your marriage ahead of you? If after two years he’s looking into cattle prods, what kind of bad idea is he going to be considering after ten years? Worse, what about all these kinky liberated teenagers who are into diapers and pony play already at 18? The rest of their sex lives are going be both complicated and boring by comparison.
I propose a massive campaign of “Try new stuff, but leave some for later”.
I can’t believe that nobody, in a sex column, has ever mentioned the critical importance of owning a HAND-HELD shower nozzle. Everybody needs one – ladies AND gentlemen!!!
The shit stain guy: the issue seems to me to be whether (a) his hygiene/wiping is off, or (b) if he has an actual continence problem.
(a) can and should be easily addressed – if adults don’t know how to wipe themselves properly something has seriously gone wrong in their upbringing
(b) may or may not be fixable, but it warrants medical attention if it hasn’t been addressed already.
In either case, if one has a consistently messy rear, then you need to take steps to deal with it. Incontinence pads, wet wipes, honesty about the problem (if you know someone well enough to sleep with them, then you should be able to be honest about these issues). If you leak in the night, then you should supply a special protective blanket, etc.
It’s about decency, mutual hygiene, and accepting that human bodies aren’t always perfectly plumbed. But you can’t just leave shit all over someone’s sofa and walk away.
“anonimaus” (comment 101) is the star of this thread. I love the peanutbutter cup reference. You’re my hero.
@ Anonimaus (comment 101):
This is the best comment in the entire thread. At first I thought it was song lyrics… then I noticed the Peanut Butter Cup reference. Anonimaus is my hero.
But that bit at the end: was that one of those auto signatures, or was that a reference to helping a JFJ move?
Oops.
Thank you rjm64, for your comment… I think its MUCH more likely that couch-guy’s shit-stain problem is not from a lack of wiping but probably also from a leaky fart problem…
All these people are judging this poor guy who knows he has a shit-stain problem and just assuming that it is because of a lack of hygiene…
I know this is from left-field, but go see a good Eastern Medicine practicioner… in general, they a better at digestive issues than Western medicine… my doctor practices Chinese medicine and is very good with the diet counciling for stuff like this.
Poo problems in this case could really go either way – hygiene *or* diet. I maintain a hair-free bum and wash (not pointlessly wipe (smear is more like it) with paper) to keep things on the up-and-up down there. Despite this, a delicious bowl of black bean soup can result in one of those unfortunate cheese-cutting incidents that seemed innocent and dry at the time – until the next look reveals a little, ahem, soiling. Vigilance is the key with this, and if the couch pooer is such a disaster that he is neurotic about his undies then it seems a complete top-to-bottom (heh) reevaluation of his habits may be in order. Diet, hygiene, vigilance, maintenance.
Dan, you were WAY off the mark in your response to JFJ.
I’m going to take a wild guess here in saying that I’ll bet JFJ had to figure out for herself that this guy has the hots for her. If that’s the case, JFJ’s “friend” is a passive-aggressive asshole with an ulterior motive. I think he’s demonstrated that fully with his jealous behavior whenever JFJ goes out with someone else. And how is that JFJ’s fault, exactly? This is a guy who has tortured himself with a “friendship” (for two and a half years, no less) with a woman he knows (or assumes) he can’t have. He isn’t worth the anguish. Trust me, I speak from experience. And your comment about him helping her move was a little dickheaded. You’re implying she’s been using him for her own gain, when the reality is, it’s not JFJ who’s had the ulterior motive.
JFJ should break off her friendship with him, but not for his sake—for her own sanity. Eventually he’s going to blame her for what he didn’t say.
Been There, Done That
Dan, you were WAY off the mark in your response to JFJ.
I’m going to take a wild guess here in saying that I’ll bet JFJ had to figure out for herself that this guy has the hots for her. If that’s the case, JFJ’s “friend” is a passive-aggressive asshole with an ulterior motive. I think he’s demonstrated that fully with his jealous behavior whenever JFJ goes out with someone else. And how is that JFJ’s fault, exactly? This is a guy who has tortured himself with a “friendship” (for two and a half years, no less) with a woman he knows (or assumes) he can’t have. He isn’t worth the anguish. Trust me, I speak from experience. And your comment about him helping her move was a little dickheaded. You’re implying she’s been using him for her own gain, when the reality is, it’s not JFJ who’s had the ulterior motive.
JFJ should break off her friendship with him, but not for his sake—for her own sanity. Eventually he’s going to blame her for what he didn’t say.
@115:
I can relate to your situation, because I also had a similar experience with an incredible male friend of mine. As supportive and inspirational as he was, I felt no sparks, and had to be honest and upfront with him that ours was never going to be a sexual relationship (he also hinted about having gay tendencies, which left me confused as to his attraction to me, a heterosexual woman!). He apparently had harbored erotic fantasies about me,including a BIG “wanna-fuck-your-brains-out” crush—regardless of how many times I reiterated my true feelings about maintaining our friendship, and not getting serious.
Just be honest and don’t lead him on. Hopefully he’ll take the hint and find someone he can get serious with.
And yes, unfortunately it was wishful physical thinking on his part.
Unrequited love really does suck, especially for anyone who keeps wanting what he or she cannot have.
It doesn’t have to mean the poor guy doesn’t wipe his butt. If he’s got anything like irritable bowel syndrome, he might go thru a roll of toilet paper a day and a box of Tucks pads and still need a towel. == Health Educator
Dan, add me to the list of folks who think your advice to JFJ. I have the hots for my business partner, and he for me, for the last two years. We are both married and we like and respect each others’ partners.
For whatever reason for the unavailability, grown-ups have to learn to deal with being attracted to someone who is not available and be able to maintain a freindship, a professional relationship, be good neighbors, whatever.
@SOFAGAL:
The lack-of-soap problem’s been made large of, but you don’t mention any of the related symptoms in your letter. Maybe the guy isn’t as completely unhygienic as people are assuming.
Producing *ahem* marks can be a sign of excessive caffeine consumption. As a devotee of the stuff myself (caffeine, that is, not skid-marks), I know that the first inkling of a risk of getting close to making any of that sort of mess is a sign I’m drinking an unhealthy quantity of coffee; and I drink rather less than some people.
Have a look at your guy’s caffeine consumption. Taking too much can have all sorts of short- and long-term effects on his health, as well as your furniture. If he’s consuming more than a couple of serves (caffeinated coke, coffee, tea, nodoz, etc.), try to get him to switch to fruit juice.
Oh, and too much fruit juice can have similar consequences. Don’t over-do it.
Ever notice in movies, that before sex, usually a woman will excuse herself and go to the bathroom? Ever wonder why? It’s because a woman wants to be clean for her partner. Should go both ways guys.
Then again, I find it humorous that people will engage in such physically intimate acts as putting a guy’s cock into your mouth and making him come, while at the same time being hesitant to bring up the fact that his butt left some mess on your couch.
As for the skid marks on his undies before their trip, he didn’t want her to see any stains. Now come on, it’s less than two months into the relationship. Most people show their best sides at the beginning of relationships – if he knew they were going on a trip, couldn’t he have gone out and bought some nice undies for the trip, maybe even some sexy ones? Imagine guys, you and your gf are less than two months into relationship, you’re going on a trip, then you notice she’s packed her granny undies with skid marks in them. Turned on?
I would hope I had courage to say something to the guy about the shit stains and skid marks. I agree with everyone else who’s posted that it’s not normal and indicates bad hygiene practice. Maybe in Dan’s case, since he’s gay, I don’t know but maybe gay guys leave more shit stains/skid marks due to some change in their anal muscles due to butt sex? I don’t know, just wondering.
SOFAGAL – one twist on Dan’s towel idea – I’d recommend a big colorful printed beach towel instead of the brown/beige. Deep color prints are great at hiding all kinds of stains – plus, a big towel is easier to keep in place AND a beach towel says “fun” to me!
I’ve been in JFJ’s shoes; in fact, I wish I could ask someone for advice. The “friend” who has a crush on me is married, and I’m friends with both spouses. We are both musicians in a VERY small musical community – i.e. I can’t break off connections with him without leaving this musical community altogether, and I would not have a music career anywhere else. Moreover, I am a lesbian, and he knows it.
I actually really don’t know what to do; while my approach to the other 5 people who have crushes on me (I am one of only two single female musicians in this particular scene…) has just been to ignore the crush and behave normally, this guy has been very overt with his affection (never reciprocated by me). I don’t want to humiliate him or to cause a conflict, and I don’t want to jeopardize my friendship with him or with the other people I know who are friends with him, but I really wish he’d stop.
So, Dan? Any advice for me? Other than wrapping myself in a burqa or quitting music? Why is it my problem – or JFJ’s problem – that someone else has trouble controlling his emotions?
SOFAGAL, questioning the whole relationship with this guy only on one stain incident basis shows that you don’t really love him so much (at least not now). It also shows that you still have to mature “a little bit”. Loving someone goes beyond any stains his/her butt can leave on any sofa. So, don’t worry: dump him. He isn’t that important to you, anyway.
I am a 28 year old gay man who just recently broke up from a 11 month relationship due to my partner’s confessing to me that he had slept with his identical twin brother (who is also gay). I am having a really hard time understanding if this is something that is normal among twins. I feel like I am over-reacting, but i just don’t think that I can be with somebody who has slept with their brother on multiple occasions. Is this a normal twin brother bonding experience, or is it just incest?
Signed,
Throwing up in my mouth in Oregon…
Do they have the beige/brown towels at the Wal-Mart?
Cause I’m just not sure I’m ready to go to the homo store for the beige/brown towels. After this article, they’re gonna know why I’m there. Buying towels. Poop-hiding, skid-row towels. “Filthy Swine! Get the Hell outta my store! And don’t you dare touch that door!”
Course they’ll know at the Wal-Mart, too.
Dan is right about what JFJ should do, but wrong to be mean about it. Also, JFJ, I was in your shoes, for years, and tried to break off with the “friend”, but he didn’t want me to, and just berated and berated me into staying friends, insisting it wasn’t a problem, and of course it was, and he’d put his arm around me and it would be creepy, the hugs would be creepy, he’d occasionally try to logic me into trying it out, also creepy, and I thought it was all good when he’d get a girlfriend, but no, it was just a reprieve.
What I’m telling you is this: DTMFA for YOUR sake, because a guy who is lurking when you’ve already said flat-out-no, that guy is not your friend, and he is a vampire who will drain you of whatever he can get, all while building up a tidal wave of anger at you which will blow up in your face one day. Break it off and keep it off no matter what he says.
Also, this is for if there has been a confrontation and rejection. If there hasn’t, and it’s just friendships with unspoken crushes, which go on all the time, and wax and wane and the friendship goes on, then that’s doable. I agree with everyone else on that stuff. I’ve been on both ends of those, and it’s no big thing and kind of makes life more interesting even sometimes. But your guy sounds like the former.
Wow, 194 comments and nobody’s yet cited XKCD?
Presenting without further ado: The Nice Guy monologue. Credit to Randall Munroe.
“I have a crush on you.
I could ask you out, and move on with my life if you said no.
Or, WE COULD BE FRIENDS!
See, I don’t want to consider that you might not be attracted to me. I’m scared of rejection, so I’ve decided relationships should grow smoothly out of friendships. When you have problems, I’ll be there for you, night after night. Selflessly. I’ll tear down the jerks you date, and wait for you to realize that only I will ever understand you. You won’t want to hurt my feelings, and I won’t ever force the issue. I’ll tell myself it’s because I ‘value our friendship.’
Bit by bit, I’ll make you depend on me.
You’ll think about how long it would take to build this kind of connection again.
And in a moment of weakness, and loneliness, you’ll give in.
It’ll feel comfortable and natural. You’ll quietly revise your definition of love and try to be happy. And sometimes you will be. Only the wistfulness in your gaze and the tiny pause before you say ‘I love you’ will hint that this wasn’t the ending you’d hoped for.
Sound good?”
“… I’m going to date this jerk.”
“But he doesn’t respect you!”
@192: I don’t have any siblings, so I don’t know for sure if that’s normal for identical twins or not. One of my very good friends is a gay man who also was an identical twin. Unfortunately, his twin brother died of AIDS years before I ever became friends with this guy, so I never got to meet him. We’re totally comfortable talking to each other about our sex lives (he’s had WAY more experience than me, so this is useful), but I’d feel wierd asking him that. That leads me to believe that it is NOT a normal thing to sleep with your twin. It’s incest, plain and simple, so don’t let your ex try to convince you otherwise.
#70 – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence. Crush to the infinite max and then some. Yes, women get them also. No, men are not privy to some all-consuming, gut-churning desire unique to your gender.
Wow…piss poor column this week. “Shitty” advice for #1…why the fuck blame her for blowing her boyfriend?! How the fuck is she going to know her bf doesn’t know how to wipe? “Recently” is not a very good timeline to tell, did she blow him before or after the underwear folding incident?
#2 ouch, but whatever floats yer boat…
#3 Yes let’s make sure to blame the girl because she isn’t interested. How about only for not telling the guy straight up she doesn’t want to go there. If he can’t take it then he is a pussy and needs to grow the fuck up. (Either way it sounds like he needs to get over it, especially after this long of not getting her.)
I’ve been in JFJ’s situation many times, and in two cases I did what you’re advising her to do — I cut the guys out of my life, because after making it very clear that I would never be their girlfriend, they were still hoping and trying. Both of them took it very badly, and one of them has been harassing me ever since. He went so far as to follow me when I moved to another city, and got himself hired in the company I work in, where he’s trying to get me into trouble.
I don’t know what’s the best thing to do in that kind of situation. To me it looks like no matter what you do, you hurt people; and I don’t like the way you blame that girl. From what I’ve seen, guys don’t handle rejection very well.
Why is skid-free underwear so difficult for some? That’s what that roll of paper is there for. Get some baby or prep h wipes if your butt is too delicate to keep clean with ordinary paper. Daily bathing also works wonders. WASH YO ASS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bh3AmPFAr…
Reading SOFAGAL’s letter reminded me of a personal hygiene-challenged ex. The guy smelled like a rose (at least around me) until I moved in with him, then apparently stopped caring or having a working nose after a while (he also expanded to Jabba-esqe proportions). I think the beginning of the end was when a skid mark appeared on his side of the bed and I was too nauseated and horrified to go near him for several days. He didn’t quite make it to the toilet fast enough a couple times, and didn’t clean up the floor very well. At one point, he had an obvious stain on the back of his jeans and I had to tell him to change. Friends and coworkers complained about his stench, to his face. Eventually he only bathed once or twice a week and always smelled like he’d shit his pants. A 10 minute daily shower was a waste of time to him when he could be busy playing Sid Meier’s ____. I would have assumed a closet scat fetishist, except that he was always horribly embarrassed by his bodily malfunctions if I ever brought it up or tried to get him to bathe. This guy seemed to be lactose intolerant and was drinking a gallon of regular milk daily. Whatever the cause, if your butt is leaking or can’t be controlled see a doctor and get depends.
@199: You should speak to your boss about this so they know what the situation is and can try to do something about it. It might also be a good idea to check and see if your state has any anti-stalking laws. If his behavior escalates past just being a nuisance at work, then you might need to get law enforcement involved before this guy does something violent and you get hurt or killed.
I am having difficulty seeing how Dan is blaming JFJ for the situation. He acknowledged that it is likely “thoughtless” (unknowing) emotional sadism on her part. He’s not saying she’s doing this on purpose. He did say that from this point forward, knowing this information, she would now be doing it on purpose.
No matter what passive aggressive bullshit JFJ’s friend is pulling this is likely what he’s feeling and JFJ needed to know that if she’s going to make an informed decision as to what to do next. It’s important for her to know that being on the infatuated end of unrequited love can be pure torture. It may also put his passive aggressive dickery into some perspective (unless it’s passive aggressive manipulative dickery of course).
I’m left wondering how many of you girls take offense to this because you’re too often JFJ. It seems most of the guys commenting have agreed with Dan, and have likely been in the friend’s position.
Dan didn’t say that this is the case for all male-female friendships where one is sweet on the other. But because JFJ’s friend is being a passive agressive dick it likely is the case that they can’t be friends.
Speaking of poo smears …
I’m not going to read through all 202 comments so far, so please excuse me if this has been mentioned already:
Prefab butt wipes are not only ecologically wasteful, typically American, and expensive, but they’re not nearly as healthy and effective as my new favorite Internet purchase, the hand-held min-showerhead bidet, of which there are several on the market. They attach to either the hot+cold sink tap or the cold water source for your toilet, run about fifty bucks, and are a cinch to install.
They not only clean your butt far better than wipes or toilet paper, but they don’t irritate your butt AND cut way down on your toilet paper use. Anyone with any sort of butt issue (like hemorrhoids) should be using one.
Plus: it’s also about 500% more fun to shoot water at your ass than it is to repeatedly chafe it with paper.
Hope this helps.
1. rofl at mi hombre vesco, word.
2. in rl I *know* Mel Holden is hot.
3. I just spent a half hour I will never get back reading an elliptical presentation on persons discussing basic ass cleaning strategies. the internet rules. And I now know how to use a bidet.
4. ass shit is bad. colostomy shit is worse. taking a round in the abdominal cavity doesn’t just make your day shiny, it makes those nights waking up in a pool of your own feces some of the good times, the times you remember 🙂
5. at 192, mental health/peer-counselor rhetoric sez… when we are children and struggling to find not just our sexual identities but our adult personal identities it is not uncommon for ‘exploration’ to occur. However, repeated occurences up into late puberty with a twin, would, I think be looked upon as pathological(uh, not quite right). There may be something situational. But my gut instinct would be to reverse and run like hell. Good Luck.
Sasha