This question comes from a
point of real frustration. I’m a 26-year-old straight guy. Due to my
being overweight, awkward, and generally unable to attract women I’m
actually interested in, I have only been sexually intimate with
prostitutes and women of low caliber. I have never been able to sustain
an erection during intercourse. I’ve climaxed during oral sex or
handjobs. I’m not physically accustomed to getting off with anything
but my hand. Worst of all, the intense fear of impotence has caused me
to avoid sexual liaisons. When dating, I feel threatened by the
expectation of sex within the first few dates. Any solid advice?
Sick Of Beatin’
Join a gym and lose some weight. You’ll gain
some confidence and improve your health—and your
circulation—which could help in the keeping-the-dick-hard
department. (I’m not telling you that you have to transform yourself
into a muscle god to be happy or find love.) Seeing a doctor and
getting your hands on some Viagra couldn’t hurt, either. Vary your
masturbatory technique.
Stop sleeping with women unless you’re
attracted to them on some level, and recognize that holding the
women who will sleep with you in contempt is an expression of
self-hatred and knock it the fuck off. Since sex within the first few
dates makes you feel anxious, inform anyone you date that you’re not up
for having sex within the first few dates. And the next time you find
yourself in bed with someone or sense that things are headed there,
SOB, tell her that you’re really only interested in oral and mutual
masturbation—at least at first—and that you generally take
a long time to come. Then you don’t have to stress out about failing to
meet her expectations, because she won’t be expecting anything other
than what you’re capable of delivering.
Finally, there are sex workers out there who
will not only get you off in exchange for your money, SOB, but will
work with you on improving your skills and building up your confidence.
You may have slept with one already without realizing it because you so
resented having to pay for it that you dismissed her as a cheap whore
to protect your ego. Dumb mistake.
I’m a heterosexual male. I’ve
never been in a long-term relationship, I’ve never been in a short-term
relationship, I’ve never been in a relationship. Four make-out sessions
in my youth and paid sex with cheap street prostitutes is all the
physical intimacy I’ve ever known. And sometime before the end of this
year, I’ll be turning 45.
I have no explanation for how I fucked up
something this important this badly for this long, but here are my best
clues: (1) Deep down, I don’t think I’ve ever really believed women
could possibly find me attractive. (2) For me, being rejected and/or
humiliated after approaching someone is an almost paralyzing fear. (3)
My professional/career/financial situation is only slightly better than
my romantic/sexual situation: I’m always either barely getting by or in
some crisis where staying non-homeless is my only priority.
I want to understand what the fuck is wrong
with me and why I’m staring at a lifetime of totally unfulfilled
romantic and sexual hopes and dreams. The last thing I need right now
is some Pollyanna bullshit. I want brutal honesty.
A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations
Some people are alone all their lives
because they’re too damaged or too terrified or too terrifying, ALONE,
and some people are alone all their lives because they are simply, as
the cliché goes, unlucky in love. It sounds like you suffer from
social and sexual anxieties—damaged and terrified—and could benefit from seeing a shrink. You say you’re
barely getting by, ALONE, but if you’re spending money on cigarettes or
booze or pot or all three, well, you might want to prioritize your
mental health over those nonessentials.
Now here’s the usual line of Pollyanna crap
that we advice professionals are supposed to squart out for people like
you: There’s someone out there for everyone, kiddo, hang in there! But
that’s a lie, ALONE, and you know it and I know it and everyone who’s
ever said that knows it. If it were true, then… no one would be
alone all their life. Unfortunately, I can’t just tell you to
accept that you’re going to be alone all your life because we can’t
know for sure that you were one of those people—one of those
people destined to be alone all his life—until your
life ends. So here’s what you need to do between now and death:
Keep a roof over your head, put food on your table, get some help with
your emotional problems, and take your pleasures where you can. Do
things you enjoy—alone, if you must—and you might meet
someone along the way. Or not.
And finally, ALONE, if the only intimacy
available to you is paid sex with cheap street prostitutes—or, as
they prefer to be called, “conveniently located and economically priced
sex workers”—that’s better than nothing. Remember: Sex workers
are part of the solution for you, if not an entirely satisfactory
solution, so have a little gratitude and treat them with respect.
I’m a 60-year-old white male,
securely retired from a successful professional career. I own a nice
home that’s paid for. I ought to be happy, right? There’s just one
catch: I’m still a virgin.
Growing up, I suffered the outcast status to
which class brains are routinely assigned. So I fell behind socially.
Then I went to an elite, all-male university and fell even further
behind. The sexual revolution passed me by. So I retreated into my
career. I never learned how to date. I considered paying for sex, but I
decided that was the equivalent of admitting that I was a failed human
being. Now I spend my days consumed with loneliness, resentment of the
past, and a constant longing for a hint of intimacy. Longevity is a
family trait, and I expect to live into my 90s. Is there any plausible
way to salvage something from this mess?
Stop The Parade, I Want To Get On
You’ve got a big advantage over ALONE,
STPIWTGO, in that you’re financially secure. That’s something that many
women look for in men—women are sex objects, men are success
objects, blah blah blah—and you could leverage your professional
success to your personal advantage. You wouldn’t be the first man who
was paying for sex but, since he was careful to launder the money
through a relationship, wouldn’t have to admit to “paying for sex.” So,
STPIWTGO, why not sell the house, move to a retirement community where
single women outnumber the men, wear nice clothes, and drive a nice
car?
But first: See a doctor. Reading your
letter, I wondered if you don’t suffer from an undiagnosed case of
mild-to-moderate autism. There’s no cure, but a diagnosis might make
you feel like less of a failure, STPIWTGO, and it could give you a
better idea of the obstacles you need to overcome to make a personal
and romantic connection with a woman between now and death. And I know
you’re opposed to “paying for it”—no conveniently located and
economically priced sex workers for you—but you also might want
to consider seeing a shrink who can refer you to a sexual surrogate.
Then your insurer will pay for it, STPIWTGO, not you.
Dan,
Thanks for writing on this neglected topic. It took me a week to
write a comment because it hit too close to home. It helped me, keep up the good writing.
This is a very interesting selection of letters this week. It strikes me how often people isolate and don’t get the help they need. In light of what happened in the health club in Pittsburgh, it is SO important for people to take care of themselves if they find themselves slipping into the crazy zone! Some people can’t see that it’s happening, but some (like the writers of the letters) can….
…also…I am a married guy who surfs the dating sites for “kicks” – I know, gross…but you would not believe how many GORGEOUS, seemingly intelligent, caring, thoughtful, well-spoken, and downright hot and available women are on these sites. I am talking about the respectable sites like Match.com and eHarmony. Truly. There are so many HOT women out there looking for guys and the number one word they use all the time is honest. They don’t say “tall, dark, and handsome”. Only a handful say “looking for Prince Charming”. Most of them just want an honest, presentable guy that they can talk to and yeah, it helps if you like kids because many of them are single moms and daddy was a sperm donor or a deadbeat.
So. There is no need to be lonely. Get medicine for your social anxiety and go fishing. Relax. Everybody is nervous meeting new people. Guys…there are SO MANY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OUT THERE…really. You just have to take the step and meet them. Don’t expect them to be perfect. Just be honest, be yourself, take a shower and get a new shirt. Get some therapy and try to be your best self. I think what happens next if you show up for your love life might surprise and delight you….
Chaya760…
Go to YOU TUBE. In the search box, type in “Mooney M20J”.
Hit the search button. Among the videos on the right will be one listed as “Night flight over Melbourne, Australia”.
You get to see the city at night. I see someone gave you an invite to the city. Consider going. Check it out.
I’ve always found that a good idea has legs. If its a good idea today, it will be a good idea tomorrow. If its a good idea tomorrow, it will be a good idea next week. If its a good idea next week, it will also be a good idea next year. So if offing yourself IS a good idea, then it can wait.
Between now and then or whenever, you’ve got a lot of things to do, see, experience, live, realize. And those will keep you busy for a good, long time.
I hit Sydney on R&R in ’69. Great people, great city, great fun. Didn’t make it to Melbourne tho…
You’ll have a great time. Check it out.
dear beatin and onanist.
when i was was younger i felt a little like you do, and it was a very difficult problem for me that took many years for me to resolve. I think it is worth considering whether it is not just low self esteem and fear of failure that makes sex so terrifying, but also the pressure you put on yourself to project an air of confidence in sexual encounters -so at odds with your true feelings – that makes this fear so debilitating.
what if you were to place a personal ad that began with:
“socially awkward sexually terrified nice guy would like to meet a friendly girl for clumsy but enthusiastic sex…”
i found that being honest about how i felt, and being accepted in spite of this was a transformative experience for me
There is too much emphasy on sex in this society, that’s why some people now choose the path of asexuality. I think all these loners wouldn’t have these problems if our society wasn’t sex obsessed. I’ve been married for 17 years now, and I don’t have sexual relationships with my wife anymore, because I simply don’t find her sexually attractive nor good-looking, although she is a nice person. The world doesn’t grinds to a halt because of that, I go see some hooker from time to time and it makes me feel very good.
I don’t think you can give any one definitive answer, as people are coming from widely different perspectives and life experiences. IF their top of mind is being a virgin, or having sex, then a sex worker may be a solution. Of course, some are going to consider paying to lose their virginity to be a failure. There are lots of things that you can buy that people would rather earn through their actions. There are also lots of unintentional traps. For example, people may say, “just be yourself”, but what they really mean is, be an idealised, customised version of your core self, be your best self. But even then, suppose your interests lean heavily to the male geekery side – computers, and D&D, and science fiction, and that whole package. If you’re in your 20s, that’s maybe less of a problem, as the culture has broadened considerably, and everyone uses computers and goes to SF movies these days. Which is the other issue – the dating experience at 40 is very different from the options at 20, whether it’s 2009 or 1989. For example, “make friends, hang out with them” – yeah that’s great, except your friends at 40 are all married, with kids, and do married-with-kids stuff with their other married-with-kids friends. It is true that the net is enabling people to connect around interests, but again, people in their 20s have lots of time to wander around various interest groups and make connections. People in their 40s are mid-career, they’re busy. Even if they’re alone, they’re busy. Plus which, think about what someone at 40 who has had experiences somewhere between “never kissed a girl” and a few fumbled relationships – and think about his peers in his age group: women who are divorced, women with kids, women who, for the most part, have been having relationships and sex for what, 20 years or more? That is a pretty wide chasm to bridge. I don’t buy that it’s necessarily life-success related or that it’s all Aspergers either. I find the involuntary celibacy (“incel”) ideas more compelling. There are people who just never “get” socialising or at least they don’t under it in their teens, and by the time they figure out what it’s about, they’re decades past the easy socialisation opportunities of their 20s. If it’s just sex, then fine, pay for it. If it’s just orgasms, then keep on masturbating. If it’s about having a real relationship, you’re talking about a much more complex path for someone to follow, if they’re already mid-life. (Note: this comment also posted to my blog.)
autism??? you’re suggesting autism??? Come ON!
the comments section is one of the MANY reasons i love dan savage. instead of the ignorant, lame and cruel rage that dominates the comments on so many venues, Dan’s readers try to impart useful information and advice and seek insight. I was especially moved by Dan’s and his readers responses to these lonely guys. Carry on, all of you!
TO the guys out there calling prostitutes cheap, whores, etc: knock it off. Your name calling isn’t about them – it’s about YOU, and your feelings of self-loathing that you have to PAY for sex. Stop projecting your issues onto the prostitutes. Ever kiss your boss’s ass? Sucked up for a paycheck or a bigger bonus? They you’re a whore, too. Get over it! You pay for sex. Who gives a shit? People pay for pedicures, and that’s waaaaay nastier in my opinion! Maybe, if you’re a 60-yr-old virgin and pay for some sex, you’ll learn a thing or two or three, and then have the confidence to ask a woman on a date and get laid the traditional way. 🙂
Prositutes are people, too! 🙂
Below is a message originally sent to a friend of mine telling him my take on Sandini. One thing I want to add and emphasize, is that like Savage, many people focus on what is wrong with the man. As my piece below expresses, however, there also needs to be a focus on the other side. In Sandini’s case, women did think he was nice. Though one person, by asking if he was picked on, seemed to be questioning his manhood. I have had similar experiences to Sandini and finally figured out that there are many women out there really attracted to bad apples. As I also mention below, this may be something instinctual but likely a combination of that and the cutthroat society we live in. My over-arching point being, yes, there are many men going through what Sandini did and they’ll have to find a way to suck it up. However, there needs to be a discussion as to why so many women spurn “nice guys.” It not just that all these guys lack social grace. There is just something there; I’ve experienced it and I have seen it. I feel it is something that needs to be addressed because it is connected to the direction our species is headed – – self-destruction (think climate change, Peak Oil Nuclear war, fill-in-the-blank). Anyhow, read-on and critique.
You Know I have been reading about this poor bastard George Sandini (The Pittsburgh Killer – http://exiledonline.com/revenge-of-the-n&hellip😉 and I kinda emphasize with the cat. Obviously, he went over the edge but I’ve gone through much of the same thing he has. The shame of it is, he nearly had it. He nearly got it that a lot of women are attracted to creeps and that is their problem not yours. I think it is partly an instinctual thing of wanting a protector who will not flinch at fucking someone up. But like everything else about our species, it has to viewed through the prism of society, This is a society where outright criminality is rewarded and the more ruthless you are the better. It magnifies the worst in all of us and then normalizes the resulting anomaly. He nearly came to the realization that since this seems to be the state-of-affairs, you shouldn’t blame yourself. Imagine, not getting any head for over 20 fucking years. If I had known this guy I could have helped him. I would have told him 300 bucks buys you any kinda ass you want. Hey listen, better that than to get to the point he got to. Besides, there is no such thing as a free lunch. You pay for everything you get even if you do not get everything you paid for. Especially, in a society setup like this one.
I am going out, haphazardly so far, with a woman right now and I’ve already spent 300 pesos and still have my cock in my right hand (sometimes the left lol). It’s kool. I am just saying you got to see the forest for the trees. So with women, I am to the point captured by that 1970’s bumper sticker: “Grass, Cash or Ass – No one rides for free.” Studies have shown that women tend to marry above their original class. Though that may deceptive since women still only earn on average about 3/4 of what a man earns so there is no way but up I suppose. Still, the bottom line is that any woman you’re with is going to get her pound of flesh from you or else she ‘s not likely to hang around. Of course, this is true for men also. And that is OK — as long as there is reciprocity. Too many times however, and I just experienced this recently, you have someone that wants to hang around you that drains you emotionally, even if not monetarily, but then when it comes time for you to find some succor, doesn’t want to do her part. All of this has to do with entropy, like any living thing we have to intake more energy than we expend or we will perish. If one cannot handle one’s own entropy individually, the next best thing is to find some sucker that’ll do it for you. This is what elites do in the extreme. They make everyone else pay for their bullshit. But how much is enough? $1 Billion? $2 Billion? Man, I could see someone like Henry “Hood Robin” Paulson somehow make it to heaven and then upon reaching the front of the line tell God “hey, you’re in my chair man.” Check out Sandini’s diary here: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=939_12494…. Make sure you go all the way to the bottom and and tell me if you see where the irony is. I just have to laugh at this shit. No wonder people just lose it.
I’ve been thinking about this lately, and I want to throw it out there for these two guys.
I was a virgin until 22. It was my goal to lose my virginity before my birthday, and I did, nearly a week before the deadline. Every year, that had been my goal – lose my virginity by my birthday.
The reason was extreme social prejudice. I wasn’t an outcast, exactly, but my virginity was the butt of every joke. It’s hard to explain how dehumanizing it can be because it sounds so small. Needless to say it damaged me, seriously.
The girl I slept with was someone I really wasn’t attracted to. She was literally insane – she had been institutionalized, but I had liked her before I knew that so I decided not to discriminate.
In the end, I feel like I sold my soul in an attempt just to be normal. I did. I thought losing my virginity would help me integrate into society better, but all it did was drive me crazier.
It’s not worth the struggle. Don’t sell your soul for sex. Just don’t.
I think the ability to perform in bedroom is very much controlled by mind. Self confidence and ability to control how excited you get with just foreplay will help. However, the best to improve it is with practice.
I would like to invite STPIWTGO to a cup of coffee. Yes, just coffee. If he is real, has some sense of humor and is polite enough to accept a woman invitation, he can do it !
Dear A Lifelong Onanist Needs Explanations,
I totally feel your pain. I am a woman, not that cute but not that bad, who had no real boyfriend until I was 31. In my late 20’s I realized that my only hope of being content at best was to find some way to accept that I would be alone forever and to be okay with it. Somehow, I did that. I looked at my friends with asshole partners, who couldn’t do what they wanted to when they wanted to, to people who required another person to be okay in their own skin. I learned how to be okay in my own skin, knowing that there was no guarantee that “there is somebody for everyone.” That is total horseshit. There is only you – and you need to be okay with that. Maybe, once you are okay with you, somebody else will be okay with – or in love with you. Maybe not. That doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, it just mean it didn’t work out. You didn’t meet the right person. Sex with hookers is hot when it’s what you’ve got. But in the end you have you – and you have to make that work.
Voice @145: I’d just like to point out that your odds of catching an STD from a decent sex worker such as a brothel girl or an independent escort, are actually lower than the odds of catching one from a ‘bar slut’.
Sex workers use condoms religiously not only for intercourse, but also for oral sex. They examine their clients for any visual or tactile signs of infection. They also have frequent STD screening.
A girl you’ve picked up at a bar might have gone home with any number of guys without taking any of these steps to protect herself or others. It is a sex worker’s business to ensure that not only is she safe from the nastier diseases, but that her clients are also safe. Her reputation and livelihood depend on it.
A stranger you met at a bar has no investment in your health, and might not care that she is passing infection around. After all, she probably caught it from somebody who didn’t care about her physical safety, so why should she care for yours?
I’d like to remind everyone of supernovas detonating this very instant in far off galaxies and laying to waste incredibly huge regions of space, some of it possibly containing planets with populations full of sexually frustrated beings.
What I’m saying is don’t worry, the great fucking everyone is pining over is coming!
I’d like to remind everyone of supernovas detonating this very instant in far off galaxies and laying to waste incredibly huge regions of space, some of it possibly containing planets with populations full of sexually frustrated beings.
What I’m saying is don’t worry, the great fucking everyone is pining over is coming!
i just wanted to share one of my favorite tennessee williams quote (from camino real):
“when so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone”
also, ONLINE DATING PEOPLE, this is why online dating exists!
@chaya. my heart goes out to you. i’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for a long time and know how lonely it can be in this world.
@chaya. my heart goes out to you. i suffer from depression and anxiety for a long time and know how lonely it can be in this world. your post scares me. i really hope things get better for you.
@goretex
I completely agree with you, I’ve been trying to connect people with a free online dating site just for that reason alone, its the easiest way to meet people from the comfort of home!
It was purely by accident that I stumbled upon this site. And, being in the same boat as ALOT of folks here, I actually found quite a few of the suggestions presented above to be quite good. However, there is one suggestion that I think that ANYONE with this problem should avoid like the plague. And that is taking ANY kind of antidepressant medication. The fact is that antidepressants are not NEARLY as good as believed, and can have serious side effects that can actually hinder the progress of people like ourselves. Here are some things to consider:
1. From what I have noticed with friends of mine taking these meds, they just don’t seem to work extremely well. I have NEVER seen a ‘transformation’ in one’s personality or condition as a result of taking antidepressants. Some people I have known say that they experience SOME relief from antidepressants. But this relief is far from complete. And side effects are significant.
2. Loss of sexual desire is a MAJOR side effect of antidepressant medication. Let’s face it. Those of us who are sexually inexperienced are nervous enough about performance. The LAST THING we need is a medication (which we are SUPPOSEDLY taking to help us) that is going to get in the way here. This is one of the BIGGEST reason that people stop taking antidepressants. And this loss of sexual desire can linger after discontinuation.
3. Weight gain is also a VERY common side effect of antidepressants. Okay, so being overweight is not necessarily a deal killer when it comes to picking up women. HOWEVER, being overweight (or being MORE overweight than you were before) certainly makes things harder than they would otherwise be. And when you are trying to ‘rise from the ashes’, you just don’t need one more ‘strike’ against you.
4. Emotional numbing is another VERY common side effect of antidepressants. When you are suffering from VERY severe depression and/or anxiety, this is not necessarily a bad thing. After all, being unable to feel sure beats feeling REALLY, REALLY bad. But I’m guessing that most of us here don’t really have severe depression and/or anxiety. And one of the things we REALLY need is to feel positive emotions as a result of relationships. If we feel emotionally numb, it just makes it THAT much harder to connect with others.
5. Other side effects such as drowsiness and spaciness just keep us out of ‘top form’ when it comes to forming relationships and actually wanting to get out and do things.
6. Addiction is possible, even with so-called ‘non-habit forming’ SSRI/SNRI medications. Some people experience truly hidious withdrawal symptoms when trying to get off these medications. Even if the medication is properly tapered.
7. Finally, medication will NEVER cure anything. Taking a pill will not suddenly turn you winto a Cassanova or a social butterfly. At best, it may relieve some symptoms of depression and/or anxiety. But it will not magically make you better. Furthermore, from my observations, PLENTY of people will get on pills, only to become numbed and just not really care about getting better.
Ultimately, the decision to take medication is yours. You must weigh the potential benefits against the possible pitfalls. However, I turly believe that, for the VAST majority of people in our situation, there are better ways than taking pills.