There was a letter in your
column recently that must have been painful for you to receive. I refer
to the letter signed God Hates You. I’m sure you’re no stranger to hate
mail, being an openly gay sex-advice columnist, but I hope you get fan
mail too. But just in case: I wanted you to know that your column means
a lot to me, and I love your bluntness, openness, and honesty. It is
comforting to see a pragmatic, funny, and, for the most part,
compassionate voice in print nowadays, especially when it comes to
something that so many are as willfully ignorant about as sex.
You Do Good Work
A lot of people wrote in after reading GHY’s
letter. Most wanted to reassure me that God does not, in fact, hate me.
And most, like YDGW here, assumed that GHY’s letter must have hurt my
feelings. I want to thank everyone for their kind words—and I
mean that sincerely—but someone telling me that God hates me is
about as hurtful as someone telling that the Blue Fairy thinks I look
fat in these jeans. (“Really? She does? Thanks, I really needed to hear
that—now I’m gonna go sit on the other side of the subway car and
silently ask the Blue Fairy for fashion guidance, okay?”)
As for fan mail, YDGW, I get my fair share.
But I don’t typically run fan letters because I’ve found better ways to
pleasure myself. I am, however, going to make an exception this week
and run a few letters from satisfied Savage Love customers. Not because
I like having sunshine blown up my ass—I prefer to have other
things blown up my ass, thanks—but because we know GHY is out
there reading, and I’m thinking letters from people who’ve found my
advice useful will annoy him way more than letters from people who
wanted to let me know that God loves me. So this one’s for you,
GHY…
I am a 21-year-old straight
girl, and I wanted to thank you. Reading your column and listening to
your podcast over the years has made my sex and love life so much
better than it ever could have been without your fantastic advice. It
gave me the courage to tell my partner about my interest in BDSM and to
be really GGG when he shared his fantasies with me. I’ve recommended
your column and podcast to friends having relationship and sex
troubles, and they all come back to tell me how much your advice helped
them. I wanted to thank you on behalf of shy girls everywhere who
secretly want to be tied up and spanked.
Eternally Grateful
I owe you a thank-you. Since I began reading your column over a year ago, I have realized
my sexual desires are not perverse (and if they are, certainly nothing
to be ashamed of) and began talking with my girlfriend about
experimenting with them. As such, the two of us have moved on from
anal-sex toys and are now about to embark on full-on pegging. She’s as
excited about it as I am, and we wouldn’t have gotten to such a level
of sexual satisfaction if not for the work you do. I’ll be thinking of
you while my girlfriend bangs my hot ass!
A Devoted Reader
Thanks for your advice about the “death grip” and the damage males can do when they grip
themselves too tightly while masturbating. I had that problem: At age
48, a lifetime of death grip left me incapable of coming during regular
intercourse. I have never had an orgasm with a partner from intercourse
or oral or anal sex (my orientation is hetero). I carefully followed
your advice and lightened my touch and started using my left hand (I’m
right-handed) to provide the lighter stimulation that you advised. Any
time I was tempted to revert to the death grip, I squeezed my thumb and
index finger together, forming a ring without contracting it. This
managed to fool my death-grip conditioning without increasing the
pressure on my penis. It took a while, but now I’m able to come from
lighter stimulation! Thank you!
Beautiful Orgasms Beat Odds
I started reading your
column toward the end of my sophomore year of high school, which was
about a year after I started hooking up with girls. I was immediately
drawn to it because your “moral code” is based on common sense. That,
and it was about sex and I was a sophomore.
I tend to be insecure, and I tend to tell
the wrong joke at the wrong time. The one area in my life where I’m not
insecure, however, is in the bedroom, and it’s almost entirely thanks
to your column. I’ll kick myself repeatedly for saying the wrong thing
to a girl, but if I don’t perform to the best of my abilities one
night, I can let it go. I’ve learned what my boundaries are and how to
push them. I knew that not being 100 percent straight doesn’t make you
bi or gay, so there was no identity crisis when I questioned my
sexuality. Most importantly, I know how to ask and I know how to
give.
Thanks, Dan. If politicians want to get
serious about reducing the amount of abortions, teenage pregnancies,
and divorces in this country, they should hire you to draw up a
national sex-ed curriculum.
Grateful Straight Boy
Thank you for saying some
kind words about “conveniently located and economically priced sex
workers” in your column. I agree that they deserve more gratitude and
respect. In my case, I am a successful, decent-looking professional and
a widower with three kids. I don’t have any trouble getting dates.
However, in my experience, dates either turn into relationships that I
don’t have time for or long conversations that I don’t have time for
about how I don’t have time for a relationship. So once every couple
months or so, I see a professional. I don’t have to feel bad that I may
not see her again, and I don’t get accused of misleading anyone. I
would like to tell your readers that they shouldn’t feel bad if they
are seeing pros. They should enjoy it for what it is, which is a great
time with a pretty girl and well worth the money.
Prefers Sex Workers
I had been reading your
column for years, and each time you told someone to DTMFA—dump
the motherfucker already!—I wondered why the people sending those
sad letters needed your advice at all. Couldn’t they see that they were
miserable? Then one day I had an epiphany and realized, while reading
your column, that I could have authored one of those DTMFA
letters.
It’s now three years since I dumped the
motherfucker. I got a transfer within my company and started over in a
new city. It was overwhelming. But this weekend, I was lying in bed
with my new boyfriend and I was thinking about my life. It is so NICE
to have someone who isn’t horrified that I like porn, someone who
listens to my fantasies and likes to try new things. Someone who
appreciates my cooking, doesn’t pout when I beat him at video games,
and tells me I’m beautiful.
I want to thank you. I was in denial, and
your column was my wake-up call. I’m happier now than I ever thought
possible.
Content Lady In Toronto
You’re welcome, one and all. Next week, back
to the screaming, yelling, recriminations, freaks, fetishes, and
fuckwits. 
DAN, love you!
http://www.fargosisters.com/serendipity/…
Why would someone only hire a hooker “every few months”? I totally understand this guy’s mojo but if so why not once a week, or twice a week?
@99: “Oh, go ahead and admit it, we do recruit. Two more and I get a toaster oven!!!!”
That’s why I’m trying to get more people to be gay, even though they only give rechargeable LED flashlights to hetero recruiters (prejudice hurts!)
what is GGG ?
what is “GGG” ?
Great contribution on Keith Olbermann.
I was impressed by you depth of commentary and witty comebacks.
You definitely vibed with Keith.
I hope you become a regular on MSNBC news programming.
@92 Richard T?
Your post sounded like you are speaking from experience.
Did YOU or someone you were close to have a little “rash whim” at age 13 and then feel later you/they were then trapped into being forever gay by this “outing experiment”?
Because that’s how your post sounds, Richard. Sounds like your/their experiment became known to others who went on to make you/them feel like shit about it and suicidal.
Sounds like you (or some fictional other) can’t get over or get past something that happened a long time ago. Now you need to blame this all on the “flypaper” lure of evil, cool gays?
Sadly, you can’t even see that the guilt, the so-called “entrapment” of your “made up” scenario wouldn’t even be the fault of any youthful experimenting, Richard T.
It would be the direct fault of the very ignorance Dan tries to dispel.
This is why Dan is important, Richard. He’s not perfect – nobody is. But nobody else is stepping up to do what is so sorely needed. What YOU or that 13 year old so sorely needed.
Had you had the benefit of this education at 13, perhaps you wouldn’t now equate honesty and truth with “flypaper”.
Dan—We just saw you on Countdown and were profoundly impressed with the perfect tenor of your remarks and how helpful your insights were. We certainly look forward to seeing alot more of you in future.
Rebecca and Charles Rannells
Sarah in Olympia @ 98,
That may be just the case. My other thought is that they focus on forms of penetrative sex because it’s taught as part of the health curriculum, and the focus is prevention not healthy sexuality. To teach non-penetrative sex, there must be an acknowledgement that teens are minors who reside in biologically adult bodies. They would have to acknowledge their sexuality, sexual needs, and desires to express themselves sexually and be intimate. Living in a first world nation we live a lot longer, but often in third world countries the average life span is 30-40s. If you think about it from that perspective, teens all over the world are having midlife crises and maybe that is why the teen years are filled with such turmoil and so full of sexual energy.
Dan—I also saw you on Countdown tonight and was blown away with political insight. You helped me see a reason why these Republicans are going against their own best interests with this healthcare debate. I am fan.
Thanks,
Don Bradt
I saw Dan on Countdown. The right is planning on killing Obama. Give me a brake. Like the people on the left that had dummys with Bush’s face hanging by a rope in fron of their yard were just about to kill Bush. It almost seems like the OJ Simpson race card (on your part). On health care reform – I am all for a public option, but let’s face a couple of truths. Obama and the democratic majority that was won in congress had nothing to do with health care and/or “Change we can believe it”. The most effective slogan was “Do you want another 4 years of George Bush”. All the talk of health care was nice but the swing vote (Obama won 52% of the vote) was anti-Bush (and I also voted that way). So you have a lot of democrats that won elections in conservative districts – that need to come up with an answer that makes their people happy. It does not matter what the democratic platform says – it is all about staying in power. Stop trying to grab a couple of cheap headlines for yourself and forget this “the right wants Obama dead” stuff. I know it feels nice to get all this PR but it is all hype and b.s..
I just saw Dan on Keith Oberman. Dan was completely ignorant about Christianity. Yes, Christ talked about feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, etc. He didn’t however say it was the government’s responsibility. This where Liberals miss the boat. They believe everything should be done by the government at the expense of all taxpayers. Why don’t they move to a country that practices socialism and see how long it takes before coming back. Finally, name one social democratic program that is not bankrupt,
Christ doesn’t exist fucktard. All he talked about were his Birkenstocks.
Mitch In Indiana:
Dan’s column breaks ground in giving advice in areas that have not been addressed in newspaper columns. Even advice columns in adult publications is predictable and cliche. There are plenty of sex advice books available on the market, “Get to really know your partner well and have open, honest communication…” Bla bla bla…
A book on sex education would have to be as groundbreaking as the concept of the article to stand out from the mountains of published, but not useful sex manuals.
This is not an easy task to accomplish. Especially in a time when we are realizing that the old presumptions about sexual identification, gender identification, marriage and domestic partnerships, range of kinks and alternatives don’t hold up in todays world. What we dont need is another new age manual about how sex is such a spiritual experience, complete with soft-edge pencil drawings of smiling couples in various positions, ew!
Had no idea who you were, had NO idea you were a gay sex columnist, and after hearing you on Countdown w/ Keith last night, I say where in the hell have you been? Sophisticated, intelligent, thoughtful and very clever commentary on important issues. You ANSWERED the questions when Keith asked, you REMAINED on topic, you used LOGIC and REASONING!!! (Any more of THAT kind of behavior and we’ll see no more of you on television, that’s for sure.) I am your newest fan, that was the finest 6 minutes I’ve seen on TV in a long time. Hopefully Keith and Rachel will use you often. I’m writing both shows to tell them the same. Thanks sir, for being an thoughtful, intelligent person, and speaking to me like I’m one, too.
Hey liberator, the people are the government. Tony Perkins was just on Schultz peedling your argument. Christians pick and choose from the Bible like it was a deli menu, and now they are desperately splitting scriptural hairs because they’re afraid of an enormous blow about to be dealt to their beloved BIG ‘C’……..capitalism.
Ah, Rich “Flypaper” T is an Eagles fan. That explains it.
Thanks from me as well, Dan. For being a voice of reason in an illogical and twisted world, for endorsing the things most people won’t even talk about with their spouses, for giving solid advice on a consistent basis.
You do good work.
Hey Dan. I just want to say that I love your column/podcasts and with it I gained the courage to come out to one of my friends. It felt really good telling someone else and its mostly because of you that I could. Thank you.
In no way do I think God hates you (or anyone), but it’s disappointing that you compared believing in God to believing in fairies.
You can believe in a higher power and still have great sex, without judgment of others. Wish you’d figure that out, Dan.
actually, you can check out of Hotel California any time you want, but you can never leave.
’cause they stab it with their steely knives, but they just-can’t-kill the beast!!
NESTER THE LONG-EARED DONKEY! Holy shit, what a memory. 🙂
yes, I’ll ride in the handbasket with dan. We can hum the scary tune from Wizard of Oz and pretend we’re Toto, being taken off to puritanical hell for our lusty thoughts. 🙂
Dan, I am a sex camel, and in a dry spell. I’m also a secret perv, I’m sure of it, and when I find the right person to tap my resource, I’m gonna be GGG all over his/her ass! (open about that!) I will say what I want, how I want it, ask them the same, and then go for 99.99% of it!! You are smart and sarcastic, which basically means that I adore you and want us to get busy!! lol…keep up the fantastic work!
Liberator @ 144; for a nation run along ‘socialist’ lines – that is to say, the concepts of supporting the citizens who are in need of medical and financial aid, which seems to send certain Americans screaming for the hills, you can take New Zealand as an example.
We just quietly go along, encouraging people who can afford it to pay for private health care, but with a public option that means treatment is available even for those who cannot afford premiums.
We have an unemployment benefit that guarantees survival for those who are between jobs, but we still have independent charities operating in special areas which are reasonably well subscribed.
We quietly legalized prostitution, and created civil unions that are for heterosexual and homosexual couples who do not consider a church-blessed wedding important. These unions actually grant the same rights and responsibilities are marriage.
We’re a small country, but a fairly sane one, and we can certainly balance socialism and capitalism. Of course, none of us would consider our government a socialist one, but in the US, this seems to be the term being used for any system that isn’t 100% user-pays.
It sounds like I’m boasting, but I’m just trying to point out that it’s not an either/or situation. There’s room for individual achievement and compassion in the same country – surly in a country the size of the US!