There was a letter in your
column recently that must have been painful for you to receive. I refer
to the letter signed God Hates You. I’m sure you’re no stranger to hate
mail, being an openly gay sex-advice columnist, but I hope you get fan
mail too. But just in case: I wanted you to know that your column means
a lot to me, and I love your bluntness, openness, and honesty. It is
comforting to see a pragmatic, funny, and, for the most part,
compassionate voice in print nowadays, especially when it comes to
something that so many are as willfully ignorant about as sex.
You Do Good Work
A lot of people wrote in after reading GHY’s
letter. Most wanted to reassure me that God does not, in fact, hate me.
And most, like YDGW here, assumed that GHY’s letter must have hurt my
feelings. I want to thank everyone for their kind words—and I
mean that sincerely—but someone telling me that God hates me is
about as hurtful as someone telling that the Blue Fairy thinks I look
fat in these jeans. (“Really? She does? Thanks, I really needed to hear
that—now I’m gonna go sit on the other side of the subway car and
silently ask the Blue Fairy for fashion guidance, okay?”)
As for fan mail, YDGW, I get my fair share.
But I don’t typically run fan letters because I’ve found better ways to
pleasure myself. I am, however, going to make an exception this week
and run a few letters from satisfied Savage Love customers. Not because
I like having sunshine blown up my ass—I prefer to have other
things blown up my ass, thanks—but because we know GHY is out
there reading, and I’m thinking letters from people who’ve found my
advice useful will annoy him way more than letters from people who
wanted to let me know that God loves me. So this one’s for you,
GHY…
I am a 21-year-old straight
girl, and I wanted to thank you. Reading your column and listening to
your podcast over the years has made my sex and love life so much
better than it ever could have been without your fantastic advice. It
gave me the courage to tell my partner about my interest in BDSM and to
be really GGG when he shared his fantasies with me. I’ve recommended
your column and podcast to friends having relationship and sex
troubles, and they all come back to tell me how much your advice helped
them. I wanted to thank you on behalf of shy girls everywhere who
secretly want to be tied up and spanked.
Eternally Grateful
I owe you a thank-you. Since I began reading your column over a year ago, I have realized
my sexual desires are not perverse (and if they are, certainly nothing
to be ashamed of) and began talking with my girlfriend about
experimenting with them. As such, the two of us have moved on from
anal-sex toys and are now about to embark on full-on pegging. She’s as
excited about it as I am, and we wouldn’t have gotten to such a level
of sexual satisfaction if not for the work you do. I’ll be thinking of
you while my girlfriend bangs my hot ass!
A Devoted Reader
Thanks for your advice about the “death grip” and the damage males can do when they grip
themselves too tightly while masturbating. I had that problem: At age
48, a lifetime of death grip left me incapable of coming during regular
intercourse. I have never had an orgasm with a partner from intercourse
or oral or anal sex (my orientation is hetero). I carefully followed
your advice and lightened my touch and started using my left hand (I’m
right-handed) to provide the lighter stimulation that you advised. Any
time I was tempted to revert to the death grip, I squeezed my thumb and
index finger together, forming a ring without contracting it. This
managed to fool my death-grip conditioning without increasing the
pressure on my penis. It took a while, but now I’m able to come from
lighter stimulation! Thank you!
Beautiful Orgasms Beat Odds
I started reading your
column toward the end of my sophomore year of high school, which was
about a year after I started hooking up with girls. I was immediately
drawn to it because your “moral code” is based on common sense. That,
and it was about sex and I was a sophomore.
I tend to be insecure, and I tend to tell
the wrong joke at the wrong time. The one area in my life where I’m not
insecure, however, is in the bedroom, and it’s almost entirely thanks
to your column. I’ll kick myself repeatedly for saying the wrong thing
to a girl, but if I don’t perform to the best of my abilities one
night, I can let it go. I’ve learned what my boundaries are and how to
push them. I knew that not being 100 percent straight doesn’t make you
bi or gay, so there was no identity crisis when I questioned my
sexuality. Most importantly, I know how to ask and I know how to
give.
Thanks, Dan. If politicians want to get
serious about reducing the amount of abortions, teenage pregnancies,
and divorces in this country, they should hire you to draw up a
national sex-ed curriculum.
Grateful Straight Boy
Thank you for saying some
kind words about “conveniently located and economically priced sex
workers” in your column. I agree that they deserve more gratitude and
respect. In my case, I am a successful, decent-looking professional and
a widower with three kids. I don’t have any trouble getting dates.
However, in my experience, dates either turn into relationships that I
don’t have time for or long conversations that I don’t have time for
about how I don’t have time for a relationship. So once every couple
months or so, I see a professional. I don’t have to feel bad that I may
not see her again, and I don’t get accused of misleading anyone. I
would like to tell your readers that they shouldn’t feel bad if they
are seeing pros. They should enjoy it for what it is, which is a great
time with a pretty girl and well worth the money.
Prefers Sex Workers
I had been reading your
column for years, and each time you told someone to DTMFA—dump
the motherfucker already!—I wondered why the people sending those
sad letters needed your advice at all. Couldn’t they see that they were
miserable? Then one day I had an epiphany and realized, while reading
your column, that I could have authored one of those DTMFA
letters.
It’s now three years since I dumped the
motherfucker. I got a transfer within my company and started over in a
new city. It was overwhelming. But this weekend, I was lying in bed
with my new boyfriend and I was thinking about my life. It is so NICE
to have someone who isn’t horrified that I like porn, someone who
listens to my fantasies and likes to try new things. Someone who
appreciates my cooking, doesn’t pout when I beat him at video games,
and tells me I’m beautiful.
I want to thank you. I was in denial, and
your column was my wake-up call. I’m happier now than I ever thought
possible.
Content Lady In Toronto
You’re welcome, one and all. Next week, back
to the screaming, yelling, recriminations, freaks, fetishes, and
fuckwits. 
When I first came across (so to speak) Dan’s column, I was happily startled, because here was a rare situation where, among others, straight men were asking an openly gay man for advice on personal matters. I thought hey, maybe we can all get along (a la Rodney King) after all!
I was also relieved when Dan blasted the assumption that if you’re a gay men you automatically engage in anal sex. Not all of us do. And I also like that he insists on spelling the word COME as COME, not CUM. I completely agree. If you had an orgasm yesterday, you came, not cyoomed!
People do need to keep in mind, though, that despite his wisdom, humor and pragmatism, he’s human and not always right; you don’t necessarily need to agree with him (I’m still baffled over his assertion that SIXTEEN months is too soon to decide if you want to move in together or not)
And finally: who the hell is the Blue Fairy??
This column was long overdue. There are thousands of us out here who read and heed your advice on a regular basis and want to say “thank you”. Do we always agree? Of course not but at least you’ve got the balls to get out there and give us something to think about while often times providing a new perspective on something that we haven’t experienced or thought about previously. Keep on keeping on!
The term “fuckwit” has made my morning coffee. 🙂
Jack Frost:
Check the last five minutes of Podcast 135. Dan advices his audience (largely composed of teenagers) that having compassion for animals is stupid and that people who consider their well-being when navigating their sex lives are ridiculous.
But Stace, having compassion for animals *is* stupid. The only rights an animal has is the right to be delicious on a bun.
😛
PS. Podcast 135 is one of my all-time favourites. I loved that anti-pet rant! Dan is great; all his detractors are fuckwits, fucktards, and fuckheads.
YTAH:
I think it is contemptable for an adult to preach to kids that that the pain of animals is of no significance. That you believe is acceptable to call people who disagree “fuckwits, fucktards, and fuckheads” pretty much makes the case that Dan successfully encourages the people who admire him to imitate his bad behavior.
I’m a 14-year vegetarian. I believe absolutely in compassion and care for animals, and treating all living creatures with love, dignity, and respect.
I’m also close to a 14-year Savage Love reader. Nearly a decade and a half of reading about how to be GGG, how to observe the campsite rule, and other ways to be awesome and respectful with sexual partners.
Maybe a 5-minute tirade on one of Dan’s podcasts shows that we don’t see eye to eye on everything. It doesn’t diminish my deep appreciation for everything Dan has done for sexual health. The core values Dan has taught about sexuality are excellent and yes, should be shared as a sex-ed text we could buy for ourselves or share with teens.
Thanks, Dan!
@ 60:
Right on!
@13 Amen.
@35: Hhahahahahahaaha!!!!! I love the idea of parodying Chick Tracts with Dan Savage tracts!!!!
On the “God hates you” part, that is ignorant, for if that supposedly religious person understood his own Christian religion, it says God hates no one. Quite the contrary.
Will this projected sex ed test feature the spike in HIV infection rates that followed Dan’s announcement in 1997 that the AIDS crisis was over?
Yeah, you’re great Dan but I read this column for the kinky sex advice. Make with the advice!
I’ll second the notion that Dan should write a sex-ed curriculum book. It would most likely never get taught in any school, but just having it available in bookstores and libraries just might save the lives of some scared, lonely kids out there.
@10: Fuckwits!!!! I love it!!!
Dan—thank you sincerely for an continually excellent column. Don’t let the fuckwits dumping hate mail get you down (I’m sure you don’t anyway). I third the notion about your writing a sex-ed curriculum book!!!
Thanks for doing what you do. I’m a huge fan. Next time you’re in Bellingham on a Thursday, come on out to Cheap Top Shelf Vodka Night™ for drinks… on me!
Thanks for doing what you do. Next time you’re in Bellingham on a Thursday, come on out to Cheap Top Shelf Vodka Night™ for drinks… on the house!
So glad Dan wrote this column, or I would have never learned what a “death grip” is, or even that there’s a way that my boyfriend can retrain himself to be able to come with me! Have been reading for a year, and never even thought to look in the archives. I just found my new procrastination tool.
Oh, Dan, do write a sex-ed book! We do our best as parents, but that can only go so far. I promise to plant it on the bookshelf right next to Sperm Wars, at adolescent height.
I’m a 53-year-old woman who hasn’t had sex (with anyone but myself) in 7 years and I love your columns and podcasts, Dan. It’s more than your sex advice; it’s the frame of mind with which you deliver it that’s insightful, no matter the topic. I’ve learned a lot from you. Thanks!!
Savage should write a book.
He should tell kids that they can have oral sex, anal sex and GAY SEX—there are lots of “foolproof” ways for teenagers to be sexual, to be fully intimate, without risking an unplanned pregnancy. It’s possible for a teenager to have fulfilling and low-risk sex, and the intimacy and closeness and connection that comes along with it, without risking the “24-hour job and… huge responsibility” that having a baby entails.
Then kids can join homosexual men in accounting for more than half of all new AIDS cases in America.
Because kids too stupid to have vaginal sex without getting pregnant should have no problem managing anal sex without getting STDs.
And the oral sex, anal sex, and GAY SEX has worked out real well for homosexual men.
Dan is a clever guy.
Trying to spread his brand to school kids is a smart move.
Recruiting them to try GAY SEX is especially clever.
Because his old customer base, homosexual men, will have all killed each other with AIDS before too long.
let’s start a charitable foundation and start putting dan’s books in drawers in hotel rooms.
@74 The 80’s are calling and they want their hysteria back.
Fuckwit is a Brit expression that has been used in the UK for well over 15 years. For those wishing to be amused by similar expression, I recommend the book entitled “Roger’s Profanisaurus – the Magna Farta” available from Amazon and other fine book-sellers. The definitions are compiled from suggestions sent in to the viz.co.uk web site. If you have a sense of humour like mine, you will die laughing at some of them.
76
The 80’s are calling and they wonder why gays are still giving each other AIDS.
thanks dan. you’ve given me the courage to be myself sexually. my wife and i are richer for it. i’m a 31 year-old straight male. we have kept our marriage (10yr, yeah dan, early marriage)exciting. we are sex positive and “GGG”. now we are more partners in crime than people that are chained in conventional sexually slavery. she doesn’t know to what extent you have played in all of this, even though i’ve told her. she just thinks i’m awesome. i am awesome, but behind every awesome man there is an awesome wife….and an awesome gay guy that gives support and new ideas. you rock.
@74 I had no idea that in 2009 people still think that a) there are “gay recruiters” and b) it’s a lifestyle choice one can be recruited to.
Really. Even after Prop 8. I figured that was about hate. Now I think maybe it’s about hate and stupidity.
thanks dan. you’ve given me the courage to be myself sexually. my wife and i are richer for it. i’m a 31 year-old straight male. we have kept our marriage (10yr, yeah dan, early marriage)exciting. we are sex positive and “GGG”. now we are more partners in crime than people that are chained in conventional sexually slavery. she doesn’t know to what extent you have played in all of this, even though i’ve told her. she just thinks i’m awesome. i am awesome, but behind every awesome man there is an awesome wife….and an awesome gay guy that gives support and new ideas. you rock.
I’m another huge fan! I’m a happily married middle-aged straight lady who never misses your column. People in general, and kids in particular, need all the honest, open, real information about sex that they can get! I’m afraid that in many ways we’ve gone backwards since the 80’s when I was a teenager. ‘Purity balls’, and abstinence-only ‘education’, and the whole fetishization of virginity, are designed to do nothing more than scare kids in general, and girls in particular, and make them feel bad about their own sexuality. It is very dangerous. The whole idea of conservative religous groups hijacking public education and trying to prevent it, and outright lying to children, by for example, telling them that homosexuality is a choice, is harmful, hostile, and hateful. It is particularly so for kids who are gay and need to be able to feel safe in their own homes and schools, and do not, because of all the hate-filled religious hysteria. We need all the lone voices in the wilderness that we can get, and you’re my favorite one!
80
we know you have no idea.
that’s why the Right reams you a new one in state after state.
call it stupidity if it makes you feel superior.
meanwhile don’t order those wedding invitations just yet- bend over and spread’em for a dose of R71 ‘stupidity’.
Dan,
I was first introduced to your column when I accidentally sat in on a masters-level sociology course (Paul Leighton @ Emich.edu) because I had shown up for class on the wrong night. I don’t remember what it was about, (Santorum?) but I remember enjoying and appreciating the advice about 2500% more than Dear Abbey or Ann Landers. Finally, a sex advice columnist who actually seemed to GET LAID ON A REGULAR BASIS!!!! and your embrace of having FUN with sex, including multiple simultaneous partners where applicable, made me feel like I wasn’t a freak for wanting it.
I feel like you contributed to my general GGG nature when I entered into my first LTR at the age of 29, and I consciously observed the campsite rule as she was 23. When it was no longer feeling good, and didn’t seem to have additional LTR potential, we amicably broke up – and are still friends. (a personal first).
Thank you, Dan Savage. You make it feel ok for me to unleash my inner beast, when in the privacy of a bedroom.
That made me teary. I’ve been an avid reader since 1995 and have read almost of your books– Dan Savage is a wonderful human being
Congratulations death grip dude, 48.
I had not really thought much of it, but most of Dan’s guy advice has been right, he has a penis after all.
It’s not just god. Lots of imaginary people hate you, Dan. Just ask them.
I totally agree, Dan, you need to write a sex-ed book!
I’m 16, and personally horrified by the schools educational system when it comes to sex-ed classes. When I was a lot younger I discovered the internet, and as a result am a lot more open to things of a sexual nature. But everything was so NEW to me, simply because my school neglected to tell me anything other than “Don’t do it!”.
A sex-ed book from Dan would be fantastic, and not only from the straight point of view, but for gay people too. Schools seem to completely forget that gay people even exist, as such, they don’t even get the limited sex-ed I got.
We need a book that young teens can get their hands on pretty easily. A comprehensive guide that says: It’s okay to be gay, straight, or bisexual, so long as you’re having fun and being careful.
I wish someone had told me that years ago.
Oh, ChaChing!, that is so weird. I’ve been reading Dan for years, and he’s all about safe sex. Kids get pregnant and get infections because they don’t have information and because they are taught abstinence. When you think you are going to be abstinent, you are not prepared when you have sex – or you tell yourself you won’t have sex, but you do – and there’s no condom available. Children in “abstinence only” sex-ed states have high rates of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
And what’s with capitalizing gay sex? Are you trying to make it scarier by shouting?
In all my years of reading Dan’s columns, I’ve never seen him “recruit” anyone to gay sex. You know, if it doesn’t appeal, people don’t do it. He’s certainly okay with gay kids having gay sex, buy, ya know, they want to do it. And if you’ll go back a few weeks and read, you’ll find the column in which he specifically advises the parent of a 14 year old gay son to tell him he *doesn’t* need to have anal sex at this age to be “really gay.” I think that puts the lie to your assertions.
89
The capitalized “GAY SEX” is a direct quotation from Dan’s post- I found it odd as well:
“Right off the top of my head, Bristol: mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, outercourse, sex toys your partner can insert into you, sex toys you can insert your partner into, erotic role-play that doesn’t culminate in vaginal intercourse, GAY SEX—there are lots of “foolproof” ways for teenagers (and adults) to be sexual, to be fully intimate, without risking an unplanned pregnancy.”
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…
@89
Teenagers are at an awkward and confused time of their life. Plus they are often looking for a way to assert their independence from, if not outright rebel against, their parents and their parents’ moral values.
The popular culture relentlessly bombards kids with the message that homosexuality is totally cool, with-it and hip. No downside is ever presented.
Many schools are full of helpful adults eager to facilitate kids’ expression of and experimentation with homosexuality.
And Dan is not the only Pied Piper selling it as 100% foolproof and safe.
What better way to get a little positive attention from your peers, join a hip and cool subgroup AND stick it in your parents eyes than to “out” yourself?
Unfortunately declaring yourself Gay is a little more consequential than dying your hair pink or wearing lots of black eyeliner.
Especially for males, that is a difficult position to retract later.
And Dan is joined by many others in declaring that homosexuality is innately what you ARE. So once you have checked in, even if it was just an immature play for attention; like the Hotel California; you can never check out.
No matter what their feeling may be later, once a kid has outed themself and experimented with homosexual behavior they will be trapped and find it impossible to step back.
So when Dan offers 100% free GAY SEX as an alternative to risky nasty heterosexual intercourse he is recruiting, tempting kids to place one foot in the flypaper, knowing they will never be able to pull it back out.
A more healthy and realistic course is to recognize that people do experiment with various behaviors and that they are just that- behaviors that someone may choose to or not to engage in.
That would allow teenagers to grow and develop their feelings as they mature and not trap them in a rash whim they acted out at age 13.
That sense of entrapment leads to hopelessness and suicide among children lured into outing themselves when they are too young.
@89
Teenagers are at an awkward and confused time of their life. Plus they are often looking for a way to assert their independence from, if not outright rebel against, their parents and their parents’ moral values.
The popular culture relentlessly bombards kids with the message that homosexuality is totally cool, with-it and hip. No downside is ever presented.
Many schools are full of helpful adults eager to facilitate kids’ expression of and experimentation with homosexuality.
And Dan is not the only Pied Piper selling it as 100% foolproof and safe.
What better way to get a little positive attention from your peers, join a hip and cool subgroup AND stick it in your parents eyes than to “out” yourself?
Unfortunately declaring yourself Gay is a little more consequential than dying your hair pink or wearing lots of black eyeliner.
Especially for males, that is a difficult position to retract later.
And Dan is joined by many others in declaring that homosexuality is innately what you ARE. So once you have checked in, even if it was just an immature play for attention; like the Hotel California; you can never check out.
No matter what their feeling may be later, once a kid has outed themself and experimented with homosexual behavior they will be trapped and find it impossible to step back.
So when Dan offers 100% free GAY SEX as an alternative to risky nasty heterosexual intercourse he is recruiting, tempting kids to place one foot in the flypaper, knowing they will never be able to pull it back out.
A more healthy and realistic course is to recognize that people do experiment with various behaviors and that they are just that- behaviors that someone may choose to or not to engage in.
That would allow teenagers to grow and develop their feelings as they mature and not trap them in a rash whim they acted out at age 13.
That sense of entrapment leads to hopelessness and suicide among children lured into outing themselves when they are too young.
@91,92
Sorry for the double.
Slog’s servers must be very slow today.
I’m thinking that all caps “GAY SEX” was because he was paraphrasing himself, and it was Savage’s own vocal emphasis. I’m also of the opinion that it’s being blown out of proportion, and because he emphasized his own vocalization the reader is seeing it as some great mystery, some nebulous unknown. He used the cap lock to emphasis the point, that sex isn’t just vaginal penetration. There are a lot of young people out there who are messing around with oral sex, and anal sex, etc., who consider themselves to be virgins or not having sex, because penis hasn’t met vagina. And, it just so happens to be that individuals who are GLBT are often wiser in their understanding that sex is bigger and has multiple means of expression that defy the assumed penis meets vagina definition, expressions such as outer-course, frottage, mutual masturbation that can be mutually satisfying, intimate, and less risky. If the CDC is indeed correct and half of America’s youth identify themselves as sexually active, then perhaps teaching them that outer-course, frottage, mutual masturbation are legitimate real expressions of sex (which some consider to be forms of gay sex) and not some fake expression (because only penis meets vagina is real sex) we can educate the sexually active on means of less risky expression, but also educate those who choose abstinence that when they eventually change their minds there are satisfying intimate options that are less risky for them out there, too. And, at the same time provide a more comprehensive sex education that address some of the sex education needs of our GLBT youth, because all children need comprehensive sex education.
@94
Are oral sex and anal sex “less risky” for spreading STDs?
Are oral sex and anal sex “100% foolproof” ways to avoid STDs?
94
your homo-envy is really sad.
95: No, and I never said they were. I don’t know what part of the world you live in or even if you have children, but I have kids and where I live we have comprehensive sex education for all children in our public schools. It already covers the topics of masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, vaginal sex, contraception/STD prevention, and abstinence. It does a poor job of is discussing the various non penetrative forms of sex, which because they don’t involve penetration are less risky.
I as a parent, I get to preview the curriculum and pull my children out if I choose to. We choose not to, and believe its better to educate them then to keep them ignorant.
Kim in Portland, it makes me wonder if the school system doesn’t emphasize the non-penetrative aspects of sex ed simply because those in charge of teaching it don’t acknowledge that it, too, is “real sex.”
Oh, go ahead and admit it, we do recruit. Two more and I get a toaster oven!!!!
@97
The point is that Dan did:
“oral sex, anal sex, … GAY SEX—there are lots of “foolproof” ways for teenagers (and adults) to be sexual”
Homosexual men engage in those “foolproof” behaviors and make up 53% of new AIDS cases in America.
When Dan describes those same risky behaviors to kids as “100% foolproof” it is a formula guaranteed to add America’s teens to homosexual men as enormously disproportionate AIDS victims.
Every god or goddess that’s important LOVES Dan!
Dan, let me add one more heartfelt “thank you” to the long pile. I am GGG, my husband is just ggg. You have given me the courage to be more honest about my needs and wants and for that I will be eternally grateful. Thanks to you, I am working on having the guts to try to get all caps without giving up and staying miserable. Your concept of ‘it is not cheating if he agrees to it’..may save my marriage one day and keep our family together. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but somehow I still love you for all you do for us straighties.