I’m a 25-year-old girl dating
a 26-year-old guy. My boyfriend identifies as sexually submissive. He
likes to be tied up, put in women’s underwear, and locked in a chastity
device, and he has a strong urge to please. I hate the term, but I
suppose you could call me a “feeder.” I am turned on by the idea of
someone eating a lot of food, usually junk food, and putting on
weight.
It’s probably related, but I’m also a bit of
a fitness nut. Consequently, I feel somewhat guilty about indulging my
fetish, but I figure every now and then shouldn’t hurt. Thing is, he’s
started to eat too much to please me. He’s put on weight, and while the
libido part of me finds it hot, the logical part of me wants him to be
healthy and stop before he gets, like, actually fat.
Thing is, it’s hard enough to convince your
partner to work out when it will lead to your being more attracted to
him. It’s nearly impossible to convince your partner to work out when
it may lead to your being less attracted to him. So what do I do? I
could say he knows the risks, and I’m not forcing him to do anything.
But I would still feel bad knowing that he was essentially worse
offโless healthyโfor having dated me. I don’t want to give
him a complex.
Fat Admirer Troubled
Your boyfriend is a submissive crossdresser
who’s into bondage and chastity, FAT, so he came to you with a
complexโtwo or three at least. Not that there’s anything wrong
with that: His complexes, and the fetishes and kinks they’ve sprouted,
give him a great deal of pleasure, FAT, and it sounds like you’re
enjoying ’em, too. We should all be so lucky to have such
complexes.
So get off the rack alreadyโthat’s
where the boyfriend belongsโand negotiate an explicit “power
exchange agreement” where his diet and weight are concerned. Explain to
him that having a dominant feeder girlfriend doesn’t give him license
to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and put on however much
weight he wants. You’re the dominant, FAT, you’re in charge, so you get
to determine what he eats, when he eats, how much he eats, and
ultimately how much weight he gains.
Luckily for him, FAT, you’re a
conscientious, ethical dominant feeder. You’re not one of those evil
feeders who wants to do lasting harm to some poor gainer; you don’t
want to feed your boyfriend into a weight-related disability and/or an
early grave. You’re interested in feeder play, not
murder-by-cream-cheese-frosting.
So order the boyfriend to eat junk food, sit
on his ass, and gain weight for a few months, FAT, and then order him
to eat healthier food, get off his ass, and lose the weight. Don’t let
his weight go more than 30 pounds over his ideal weight and you won’t
be doing him any real or lasting harm.
And FAT? Even if indulging your fetish
shaves a year or two off his life, well, people throw away decades of
their lives for lesser pleasures. People smoke, ride motorcycles
without helmets, and stick their rear ends in the air in skank-ass sex
clubs. Our bodies are our own, FAT; they’re ours to use, abuse, and,
since we’re all going to die one day, they’re ours to use up.
Sane adults strike a balance between taking care of our
bodiesโeating right, drinking in moderation, getting
exerciseโwhile still allowing for pleasures that require us to
eat poorly, drink in excess, and lie motionless for days at a time
while we recover. The better care you take of yourselfโthe more
time you spend eating right, drinking in moderation, and
exercisingโthe longer you’ll live, of course, and the more
pleasures you’ll get to enjoy before you inevitably croak.
It’s ultimately up to your boyfriend to
determine whether the pleasures of submitting to youโincluding
the pleasure of indulging your fetishโare worth the risks to his
health. Is having a kick-ass sex life with you in his 20sโand
possibly in his 30s, 40s, and 50sโworth shaving a year or two off
his life in his 70s or 80s? If he decides that the answer is yes, FAT,
be a gracious bondage/chastity/feeding top, take yes for an answer, and
shove a doughnut in his mouth.
A question in the spirit of the
season: Can zombie sex ever be consensual? Because I think if
confronted with a zombified Zac Efron, I might go for it if he were
properly restrained. Can you teach a zombie a safe word? Does it count
if it’s “braaaains”? It’s not necrophilia with the WALKING dead, is it?
What would you say is the sexual morality of this situation?
Hope In Zombie Zac If Ethical
If you’d seen Zombieland, HIZZIE,
you’d know that a hot person, once transformed into a zombie, isn’t hot
anymore. A pretty girl falls asleep in the arms of
Zombieland‘s nebbishy hero and awakes as a thoroughly hideous
flesh-eating monster. Even a zombified Zac EfronโI’m going to
resist the obvious jokeโwould be too repulsive to fuck. Think of
the gore, the viscera; think of the Axe body spray.
As for the morality of the situation,
fucking zombies is still necrophilia, technically speaking, but
practically speaking, it comes closer to bestiality. A human being who
has been zombified is nothing but an animal, hungry for brains,
incapable of thought, much less consent. We can kill animals for their
flesh, but we mustn’t fuck them, HIZZIE; we can kill zombies for
wanting our flesh, but likewise we mustn’t fuck them.
Met a super-hot
boyโstraight!โat Pony. Nice, familiar with my work (I’m
an artist), thinks I’m all great. Talked, kissed. Exchanged numbers.
Made plans. For a date. Dinner. He tells me he’s married but in an
“open relationship.” What do I do? Do open relationships really
exist?
She Lusts Until Truth
Yes, SLUT, open relationships exist. But the
only person who can confirm that this boyโstraight!โis
actually in one, SLUT, is his wife. Ask her. Before you kiss. That boy
some more. Or go. On. That. Date.
I came up with an amazing word, and I
have been trying like hell to get it into the dictionary:
procrasturbation. It means “to waste time pleasuring yourself.” I wrote
Merriam-Webster back in 2004โhere is the response I got: “Your
coinage is clever, but I’m afraid that cleverness is not the criterion
on which a word is entered into our dictionaries… For
‘procrasturbate’ to be entered, it will need to appear in a number of
well-read print sources for a good number of years. When we’ve
collected enough citations for the word, we will enter it into our
dictionary.”
Help me out, Dan, by using “procrasturbate”
in your column.
Organically Enters Dictionary
“Procrasturbate” is genius, OED,
but appearing in my column isn’t going to get it into the dictionary.
“Santorum” has appeared in this space and other well-read print sources
for years, and it hasn’t seeped into Merriam-Webster’s yet. I
call shenanigans. 
my only objection to procrasturbating is that, while it bills itself as a particular KIND of procrastinating, it’s not — it’s just plain old procrastinating, under a new name. Pretty much all procrastination is procrastination to please oneself. If it’s for another reason, you’re not really PROCRASTINATING x-ing, you’re just too busy to x.
So “procrasturbation” isn’t really a useful addition. It doesn’t really mean anything different from “procrastination.”
@58
“Fuckery” isn’t a new word. I can remember more than a few occasions during my childhood in which my cousin and I would take things just a little… too… far…
And suddenly, my uncle would yell, “Stop all of this fuckery right now!”, at us. We’d stop, because he was (and still is) a very large Jamaican man.
“What kind of fuckery is this?”
– Amy Winehouse
Riding without a helmet will not shave decades off your life unless you crash. If you don’t ride Dan then you can’t evaluate how pleasurable a rider might find it. Zombies? Really practical subject for the lord of sex advice. I guess you can’t be brilliant all the time, eh?
I’d say to SLUT… if the wife says yes enthusiastically, go for it… if she gives any indication that something’s rotten in another nation… then run. Just run. He’s not worth it.
Great advice to FAT, Dan! As usual, you understand the issues involved and how to make them work.
But to SLUT, how does someone read this colunn, and not know that open relationships exist???
Hey Dan,
Did you at least get paid for the Zombieland plug? Product placement hits the columnists.
The weight advice is awful. He’ll gain the 30 lbs, and he probably won’t lose it again. It is much, much easier to gain weight than to lose. 30 lbs is actually a pretty substantial amount of weight. Many women will gain that, or a little more, in pregnancy (including weight of baby, amniotic fluid, and placenta)–and look how many fail to lose it afterward. When you gain weight, your metabolism adapts and learns to maintain that weight. Losing weight is, for most people, the metabolic equivalent of walking up the down escalator. The only surefire way to avoid being a failed dieter is to not gain weight.
This was a ball drop, Dan.
re reply to SLUT: Ha. ha. ha.
in other words, what TaniaLeeKarate @33 said.
My authors and I have debated the zombie sex issue extensively. To see what came of it, check out some of our books this Halloween.
http://www.darkroastpress.com
Meanwhile, the ethics of sex with imaginary creatures? I have to take this up with my incubus, obviously!
You know, in Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse In Love the chick actually gets HOTTER after she becomes a zombie.
Otherwise? Fantastic column this week!
thanks for the mental image of ‘seeping’ santorum…
I’d like to chime in on this important zombie issue. I feel I have a uniquely pertinent perspective as the only individual, to my knowledge, who has actually had public canoodlings with the reanimated corpse of Zac Efron. Just last Friday, in fact! On stage at Trannyshack, Seattle!
Is this reader’s question a few days later a mere coincidence?
Probably.
Or perhaps we share one mind!
In any case, my conclusion on zombie romps-in-the-hay is that they are super gross, but CELEBRITY hay-romping is the trump card to end all!
If YOU are curious about the mechanics of cadaver courtship, come see me and my new boy-toy, zombie Zac Efron, in our new romantic musical act!
We’ll be at the PINK DOOR in Pike Place Market this saturday at 11pm or at Hard Times’ Halloween Hootenanny at THE WAR ROOM on wednesday 28th.
Hope I can continue to join Mr. Savage in providing clarity on these pressing issues.
Sincerely,
-Ben DeLaCreme, Star of Stage and Street.
check my performance calender at http://www.myspace.com/bendelacreme
64 would have been funnier if it were “Clem de la Creme,” but then again, maybe Clem isn’t such a good stage name on the Coast, after all.
@48- Another excellent flick to ponder re: sex with the re-animated- “Otto-or Up With Dead People”. Fascinating and the corpse-sex is almost (but not quite) hot.
Well, the creepy neighbor guy in “Fido” had a teenage zombie sex slave. The girl died suddenly of an aneurysm or something and he just happened to have a zombie capture collar on him at the time. She wasn’t falling apart, but getting oral sex from her seemed to be on the same level as sticking your dick in a motorized nutcracker on speed.
dear FAT: perhaps faux bulemia, post-coital and out of your sight, could be your mutual friend? Is it the feeding or the weight gain that turns you on (i.e. do you love stuffing his mouth, or get wet when he steps on the scale/has to try on new clothes?) If it’s facestuffery, then the boy could learn to gag.
@11, and 27: Oh my. That was Pungent.
28: Better.
@14: “If the whole country gained (another) 30 pounds it’d be an disaster”
I think the phrase you’re looking for here would be “…it’d be 2020, give or take a year”.
@29 / @42: the “dumb” in that cliche doesn’t mean stupid. It means mute. (Like Lavinia in the later acts of Titus: Tongue gone. Hands optional.)
Oy! Kids these days.
@55: w/r/t zombie sex advice crit: It’s october, there’s pagan holiday coming up, and some zombie sexplay will be ensuing, at least in Seattle.
I suppose you also believe every word you read in the Stranger when it comes out on the first day of April?
Dan, your response to FAT was such a breath of fresh air. I would like to point out that research (see Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon & junkfoodscience.blogspot.com) shows that the health risks commonly linked to obesity have also been linked to yoyo dieting. Continually gaining and losing weight is harder on the body than just being fat. So it might not just be a year or two shaved off of FAT’s boyfriend’s life, but chronic illness as well.
speaking of procrasturbation…..
http://kevo-rulez.myminicity.com/
that’s what i do in my free time. i need a life.
@35, yes you can be fat with nutritional deficiencies. Almost al of these people had gastric bypass which deliberately creates malabsorption (other causes include sprue, lots of women lose iron, obviously; old people often run low on B12 and folate, people who only drink ethanol get thiamine deficient, etc). Otherwise, it is breathtakingly difficult to get a vitamin deficiency in the USA–eating only vegetables that come on a burger, and only fruit in a pie is sufficient. It might not be optimal, but we already knew that. Case in point: some vegans do ok without b12 pills and b12 ONLY comes from animal sources–there’s enough animal crud and insect parts in the PB to meet their need. And most fat people aren’t just eating crisco, they’re getting their MacD’s and Cheesecake Factory and Crappo Cereal and there is plenty of variety and fortification to get along. Trust me I’ve worked in medicine 8 years and I’ve never met someone with a nutritional deficiency that wasn’t from a specific disease state or was mentioned above. Show me a fat guy with scurvy and I’ll change my views.
OMG – i use to procrasturbate ALL THE TIME in high school — especially my senior year. i’d come home from school, set all my homework on my desk, and then watch tv and procrasturbate until dinnertime. so happy to finally put a word to my fav way to NOT do what i’m supposed to. ๐
“dear FAT: perhaps faux bulemia, post-coital and out of your sight, could be your mutual friend? Is it the feeding or the weight gain that turns you on (i.e. do you love stuffing his mouth, or get wet when he steps on the scale/has to try on new clothes?) If it’s facestuffery, then the boy could learn to gag. “
Worst advice i’ve heard in a long time. Its spelled “bulimia”, can become incredibly addictive, and is significantly more unhealthy and life threatening than weight gain.
PROCRASTURBATION doesn’t exist. There is no time WASTED in pleasuring onesself.
this is my official ‘help me I am in hell’ comment for this time of year. fuckery aside, but the necrophetishism that I highly recommend for the straight boys is, I know I will be booed and rightly so, is Zombie Strippers, Rbt. Englund, Jenna Jameson, et al. I have *never* wanted to use a baseball bat on a zombie so much so as Jenna when she did the undead pole dance. thanks for the column, continue the promcrasti-whatever.
S
@73:
Bulimia, or more specifically, purging, is merely arguably more unhealthy and not at all more life threatening. Way to overstate: only the dehydration and electrolyte imbalances are deadly effects of purging (and could be partially mitigated by Gatorade, no?): the rest are tame compared to the cascade effects of obesity (apnea, renal failure, stroke, diabetes, heart failure, infertility, …to name a few).
I’d hoped Faux-bulemia would be acceptable by the stranger.com community to spell incorrectly, since it’s, you know, faux. However, thanks: correct spelling duly noted.
By the way, Dear GrammarCop:
Nice glass house you have there. The contraction for “It is” is spelled It’s.
“Kettle, hi this is Pot: you’re black!”
At least you spelled/used ‘than’ correctly.
Neojism, neologasm, “I created the word ‘procrasturbation'” as a pickup line?? The responses to this column were more fun than the column!
On a serious note, as a large guy who has serious trouble LOSING weight, and a far easier time gaining, I disagree with the advice given. Consider, Dan, what your response would be if the dom wanted him to have his legs cut off or his nose removed. Would it be “well, if the sex is hot now, maybe you should consider it”? I doubt it. So, considering the health risks–even the minor ones–I’m calling “bad advice”.
“Its spelled “bulimia”, can become incredibly addictive, and is significantly more unhealthy and life threatening than weight gain.”
Does anyone not know that all the bulimics are FAT anyway? It doesn’t work for weight control very well because it takes the brakes off consumption.
Wait…is sex with a vampire necrophilia?
I’m surprised Dan would support a word which places a negative slant on masturbation as a time wasting activity.
As for the zombie question, I was surprised to see Dan answer this. Because it will only encourage people to send in bogus questions, yet he still managed to answer it in a way that gave clarity and substance to his previous statements on bestiality and consent. So… a wise and intelligent answer to a silly question, in knowledge that many people love zombies.
gotta agree with rdm @37. the zombie letter was pure stupid, and if it hadn’t been for the chance it provided you to “resist” poking fun at zac ephron you would have shit canned it.
“Even a zombified Zac Efronรยขรขโยฌรขโฌ๏ฟฝI’m going to resist the obvious jokeรยขรขโยฌรขโฌ๏ฟฝwould be too repulsive to fuck.”
What’s the obvious joke?
My advice to FAT would be to get a convex mirror, the kind that you get in ‘Hall of Mirrors’ at fairgrounds and rubbish museums and the like. Then watch your man in the mirror eating some healthy snacks (I recommend carrot sticks and hummus) and imagine that he is getting very fat.
My advice to FAT would be to get a convex mirror, the kind that you get in ‘Hall of Mirrors’ at fairgrounds and rubbish museums and the like. Then watch your man in the mirror eating some healthy snacks (I recommend carrot sticks and hummus) and imagine that he is getting very fat.
Having sex with a flesh-eating zombie gives a whole new meeting to the term “eating someone out.”
My advice to FAT would be to dump her current squeeze and get a fat boyfriend, if she prefers that body type. She might even be able to find one who likes to eat a lot of junk food (not all fat people do, in spite of all the assumptions that are being thrown around here).
Feederism is a dangerous fetish. It’s a bad idea to f*ck around with someone’s weight regulation system. It’s not the weight gain that’s the problem. It’s the overfeeding itself. Look what happened to the guy who wrote/filmed “Fast Food Nation.” He made himself must more unhealthy than someone with reasonable habits would be at his (heavier) weight.
A lot of fat people are healthy. People (whatever their size) who yo-yo diet or who eat huge quantities of junk food generally aren’t. And, I’m pretty sure that barfing it up – as some people have suggested – would only make matters worse.
Thank you Digital Coyote for remembering the Fido scene. I was going to post about it, but then I saw your post, of course eventually he trainied her not to use the “teeth” and played with taking off her collar during BDSM scenes while she was tied up, so it was more than that. I’m sure there has got to be ways to keep your zombie “fresh”. Perhaps talk to a mortician. You could always offer to “crack open a cold one” after work and get him to share some of his necrophilic secrets with someone who likes the “jello” version. Heh, Halloween is cumming up, so it’s all in good fun!
#76
Ah yes, I forgot an apostrophe. Good point calling me grammar cop when I was correcting bad spelling.
But you sure did sound smart in your comeback…so you win!!
I suggest you take up bulimia immediately and test your theory for yourself.
Also, to #76:
An imbalance of electrolytes is not the only side effect of bulimia. This imbalance can actually kill someone who has purged immediately via a heart attack. Also, there can be a stomach rupture or the esophagus can rupture. These are immediately life threatening.
In the long run, there are consequences just as severe as you mentioned accompany obesity. These are:
Internal bleeding and infections
Loss of tooth enamel
Suicidal depression
Esophageal reflux
Anemia
Depletion of calcium
And the list goes on…
So, sure, it is “arguably” more dangerous than being fat…but ask almost any doctor and I assure you that the consequences mentioned above will kill somebody FAR before they should expire.
@89, yeah, bulimia is terrible for you. But while throwing up can cause your stomach or esophagus to explode causing terrific mediastinal infection, or cause a life ending hypokalemic ventricular arrhythmia, we all know that’s not common. You’ve thrown up, right? Me too. Here we still are. It’s not different when you’re bulimic. The consequences are largely due to the chronicity of it all.
And I think the mood “consequences” of bulimia are an impossible to sort out chicken and egg problem. You think perfectly happy people people eat 6000 calories of crap and puke it all up??
@79 It would be, technically. But it gets dicey as far as philosophy goes. Zombie’s technically don’t have souls, while a vampire’s soul is trapped within his body, which is why impaling them kills them, and usually can’t cross running water. Vampires are also capable of self awareness and thought, so you may be able to argue you’re way out of looking like some kinda sexual deviant for screwing a vamp. . . lol then again maybe not.
I understand that there are many fetishes out there, but how on earth could someone get turned on by watching their partner gorge and get fat?
Holy SHIT Batman, I LOVE this column!!! Dan the Man, you continue to ROCK!
Procrasturbation!! I love it!
Here’s hoping Tim Eyesore gets hit in the SANTORUM and I-1033 loses, and Referendum 71 passes for equality for all!
“A zombie’s sex life is actually pretty good for the first few weeks, but then it drops off.”
http://twitter.com/serafinowicz/status/4…
Gotta love serafinowicz (comedian and voice of Darth Maul!)
‘procrasturbation’? I call that ‘working from home’!
Dammit. Why are all the gay guys who are into feeding fat lovers all, like, gay, and shit?!
I think. Dan, you are. Terribly funny. On top of being. A bit smart about things. Thanks!!!!
dude, procrasturbation!! omg now i can finally put a word on something i seem to always do!!
I’ve never considered the ethics of zombie sex before because, well, ew. But I guess you learn something new every day. I like the word procrasturbate a lot because I do that sometimes. I’ll help put it into every day use.
Hmmm, as it’s so close to “procrastinate”, I’d say this “creator”‘s use of the word is off. To procrastinate is to put something off that needs doing, not waste time. I’d say procrasturbation is more along the lines of “well, I’d like to date…but ya know, I’d have to find a club to go to, or take a shower to go out to the bar…and I could use some new clothes first….I think I”ll just stay home and procrasturbate instead!” ๐
As for zombie sex, I don’t think I could fuck anything that was rotting. What if his junk snapped off in your vag????? EWWWWWWWWWWWW. And some dude that wants to eat your brain isn’t gonna make sure you get off before he does so! Doubtful that zombies are considerate lovers.
I sure engage in a good deal of procrasturbation.