I’m a 25-year-old girl dating
a 26-year-old guy. My boyfriend identifies as sexually submissive. He
likes to be tied up, put in women’s underwear, and locked in a chastity
device, and he has a strong urge to please. I hate the term, but I
suppose you could call me a “feeder.” I am turned on by the idea of
someone eating a lot of food, usually junk food, and putting on
weight.

It’s probably related, but I’m also a bit of
a fitness nut. Consequently, I feel somewhat guilty about indulging my
fetish, but I figure every now and then shouldn’t hurt. Thing is, he’s
started to eat too much to please me. He’s put on weight, and while the
libido part of me finds it hot, the logical part of me wants him to be
healthy and stop before he gets, like, actually fat.

Thing is, it’s hard enough to convince your
partner to work out when it will lead to your being more attracted to
him. It’s nearly impossible to convince your partner to work out when
it may lead to your being less attracted to him. So what do I do? I
could say he knows the risks, and I’m not forcing him to do anything.
But I would still feel bad knowing that he was essentially worse
off—less healthy—for having dated me. I don’t want to give
him a complex.

Fat Admirer Troubled

Your boyfriend is a submissive crossdresser
who’s into bondage and chastity, FAT, so he came to you with a
complex—two or three at least. Not that there’s anything wrong
with that: His complexes, and the fetishes and kinks they’ve sprouted,
give him a great deal of pleasure, FAT, and it sounds like you’re
enjoying ’em, too. We should all be so lucky to have such
complexes.

So get off the rack already—that’s
where the boyfriend belongs—and negotiate an explicit “power
exchange agreement” where his diet and weight are concerned. Explain to
him that having a dominant feeder girlfriend doesn’t give him license
to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and put on however much
weight he wants. You’re the dominant, FAT, you’re in charge, so you get
to determine what he eats, when he eats, how much he eats, and
ultimately how much weight he gains.

Luckily for him, FAT, you’re a
conscientious, ethical dominant feeder. You’re not one of those evil
feeders who wants to do lasting harm to some poor gainer; you don’t
want to feed your boyfriend into a weight-related disability and/or an
early grave. You’re interested in feeder play, not
murder-by-cream-cheese-frosting.

So order the boyfriend to eat junk food, sit
on his ass, and gain weight for a few months, FAT, and then order him
to eat healthier food, get off his ass, and lose the weight. Don’t let
his weight go more than 30 pounds over his ideal weight and you won’t
be doing him any real or lasting harm.

And FAT? Even if indulging your fetish
shaves a year or two off his life, well, people throw away decades of
their lives for lesser pleasures. People smoke, ride motorcycles
without helmets, and stick their rear ends in the air in skank-ass sex
clubs. Our bodies are our own, FAT; they’re ours to use, abuse, and,
since we’re all going to die one day, they’re ours to use up.
Sane adults strike a balance between taking care of our
bodies—eating right, drinking in moderation, getting
exercise—while still allowing for pleasures that require us to
eat poorly, drink in excess, and lie motionless for days at a time
while we recover. The better care you take of yourself—the more
time you spend eating right, drinking in moderation, and
exercising—the longer you’ll live, of course, and the more
pleasures you’ll get to enjoy before you inevitably croak.

It’s ultimately up to your boyfriend to
determine whether the pleasures of submitting to you—including
the pleasure of indulging your fetish—are worth the risks to his
health. Is having a kick-ass sex life with you in his 20s—and
possibly in his 30s, 40s, and 50s—worth shaving a year or two off
his life in his 70s or 80s? If he decides that the answer is yes, FAT,
be a gracious bondage/chastity/feeding top, take yes for an answer, and
shove a doughnut in his mouth.

A question in the spirit of the
season: Can zombie sex ever be consensual? Because I think if
confronted with a zombified Zac Efron, I might go for it if he were
properly restrained. Can you teach a zombie a safe word? Does it count
if it’s “braaaains”? It’s not necrophilia with the WALKING dead, is it?
What would you say is the sexual morality of this situation?

Hope In Zombie Zac If Ethical

If you’d seen Zombieland, HIZZIE,
you’d know that a hot person, once transformed into a zombie, isn’t hot
anymore. A pretty girl falls asleep in the arms of
Zombieland‘s nebbishy hero and awakes as a thoroughly hideous
flesh-eating monster. Even a zombified Zac Efron—I’m going to
resist the obvious joke—would be too repulsive to fuck. Think of
the gore, the viscera; think of the Axe body spray.

As for the morality of the situation,
fucking zombies is still necrophilia, technically speaking, but
practically speaking, it comes closer to bestiality. A human being who
has been zombified is nothing but an animal, hungry for brains,
incapable of thought, much less consent. We can kill animals for their
flesh, but we mustn’t fuck them, HIZZIE; we can kill zombies for
wanting our flesh, but likewise we mustn’t fuck them.

Met a super-hot
boy—straight!—at Pony. Nice, familiar with my work (I’m
an artist), thinks I’m all great. Talked, kissed. Exchanged numbers.
Made plans. For a date. Dinner. He tells me he’s married but in an
“open relationship.” What do I do? Do open relationships really
exist?

She Lusts Until Truth

Yes, SLUT, open relationships exist. But the
only person who can confirm that this boy—straight!—is
actually in one, SLUT, is his wife. Ask her. Before you kiss. That boy
some more. Or go. On. That. Date.

I came up with an amazing word, and I
have been trying like hell to get it into the dictionary:
procrasturbation. It means “to waste time pleasuring yourself.” I wrote
Merriam-Webster back in 2004—here is the response I got: “Your
coinage is clever, but I’m afraid that cleverness is not the criterion
on which a word is entered into our dictionaries… For
‘procrasturbate’ to be entered, it will need to appear in a number of
well-read print sources for a good number of years. When we’ve
collected enough citations for the word, we will enter it into our
dictionary.”

Help me out, Dan, by using “procrasturbate”
in your column.

Organically Enters Dictionary

“Procrasturbate” is genius, OED,
but appearing in my column isn’t going to get it into the dictionary.
“Santorum” has appeared in this space and other well-read print sources
for years, and it hasn’t seeped into Merriam-Webster’s yet. I
call shenanigans. recommended

mail@savagelove.net

100 replies on “Savage Love”

  5. Sex with a zombie would be beyond gross, because the male zombie’s –ahem–appendages would probably decompose and fall off anyways. GROSS!! You’d be left with an oozing empty space there.

  7. Procrasturbate is hilarious, even if she/he didn’t come up with it first. But he/she did write to Webster’s in 2004–and probably put it into the Urban Dictionary as a step in getting it into common usage.

  10. Zombie sex – this is a burning issue? I hate to break it to people but zombies aren’t real, and Dan’s response wasn’t funny enough to make it worthwhile. Procrasturbation sounds like someone who’s too lazy to masturbate. Disappointing column this week.

  12. In response to #10, procrasturbation is masturbation, but used in order to procrastinate from doing something else. Just clarifyin’.

    And did Hizzie never see Planet Terror? Yes, these creatures aren’t necessarily zombies, but seeing Quentin Tarantino’s goopy junk falling between his legs was enough to turn me off any zombie/deteriorating once-human…even if he was an adorable Dylan Moran from Shaun of the Dead.

    This week was an interesting one Dan, but still great. I loved your response to the first question. Keep up the great work!

  13. Procrasturbation! Now I know what to call it when I put off something important for some self indulgence. As soon as I saw the word, I knew that it filled a void in my vocabulary. Although if I call it “procasturbation” instead of just plain “masturbation” I’ll have to start feeling guilty about it.

  14. Definitely people’s bodies are theirs to abuse or use in sexually productive ways, fine, and the minute to minute risk of carrying 30 pounds of extra fat around may be small (especially if he stays fit), but it’d be a mistake to suggest that’s negligible weight gain. BMI wise that’s about halfway to obese, and there is a substantial and measurable increase in everything from diabetes and hypertension to knee arthritis. If the whole country gained (another) 30 pounds it’d be an disaster. It’s not negligible.

  16. @14, it was my impression that Dan was saying that 30 lbs. was the max that the boyfriend could ever pack on during a series of binging/feeding sessions – not that he should put on that much and keep it permanently. He specifically mentioned gaining 30 pounds *and then* loosing it again through diet and exercise – 30 was the limit to how high he could climb at any one point.

  19. Meh. I’ve been using procrasturbate since at least 2001, and I started using it after hearing a friend do so. That letter writer needs to get his hand off it and stop trying to claim credit for a word that’s been around for ages (and is an obvious portmanteau).

  21. FFS about the feeding thing.

    Actually, being 30lb “overweight” is probably healthier than yo-yo dieting. Sudden weight gains and losses put a hell of a lot of pressure on your body. There’s also quite a bit of research that seems to indicate that yo-yoing your weight tends to make you put on MORE over time.

    It would make a hell of a lot more sense if b/f maintained a constant weight by eating whatever and exercising consistently. And it’d be a fuck of a lot better for him.

    (I admit to having a prejudice against this particular kink – because controlling someone’s food intake seems fundamentally screwy to me – but that has no bearing on my remarks)

  22. I know this…. it is a whole lot easier for people (me specifically) to get fat than it is to get skinny! Caveat Emptor applies in this case I think. Be careful of what you ask for you may get it. From FAT’s description it seems that this is enjoyable now, but it could turn out badly if one or both of them lose sight of the “spirit” of this dom/sub thing.

  23. procrasturbation – on the slipperly slope towards loserdom and being the guy (usually always “he”)who cant get it together because he avoids dealing with real life issues by self medicative wanking. Of course, its all fine and fun if you keep it check to a level but where is the line? Depends for each person, I guess. But its a fine line and easier than one may think to allow the line to slowly move toward the region where it becomes a crutch to relieve anxiety and avoiding facing challenges head on.

  24. @4, he did say that he contacted Merriam-Webster’s 5 years ago. Of course, you’d have to know how to add in order to know that 2004+5=2009. Regardless of whether or not he invented the word, my guess is that he only wants it to get into the dictionary so that he can sound half as cool as Ashton Kutcher when he uses “I invented the word ‘procrasturbate'” as a pick-up line. Sadly, it will be just as effective as any other pick-up line and will only work on the deaf, dumb, or blind.

    @10, Clearly you take yourself and this column too seriously. Learn to laugh a little. Life is much more enjoyable for the easily amused. The zombie thing was a joke, even though some part of your post suggests that you don’t ACTUALLY believe that zombies are not real.

    Personally, I loved the zombie question and the response about the Axe body spray! Hilarious!

  25. Yo-yo dieting seems like really bad advice to me. Not to mention, most research shows that each successive diet tends to be less effective – i.e. it’s harder to lose that 30 pounds when you are trying to do so for the 10th time. Better advice would be to let the boyfriend decide what he is willing to do to his body for the sake of sex, and then let him eat what and how he chooses to. If he keeps up the exercise and makes sure he’s getting some good nutrition (vitamins, enough protein, etc) on top of whatever else he eats, he should stay pretty healthy even if he does end up fat. Fat people can be healthy too, you know. And chances are, his metabolism will even it out eventually so he’ll balance out at a new stable weight and not keep getting fatter and fatter forever.

  28. Anh, you’re an ass. I’m gonna have my deaf and blind friends (and a couple big, dumb ones, too) come smack you upside the head.

    LOVED today’s column. Perfect freewheelin’ fun. I don’t get y’all who aren’t just having fun with the zombie debate. Hilarious question, and a straight-man (sorry, Dan) answer was the perfect reply!

  29. I was surprised to see Dan Savage get a mention in the Canadian show ‘Being Erica’ on CBC last night. The characters on the show where looking for someone to write a sex book. Dan Savage was the first name mentioned, Sue Johansen was second I think. The only follow-up reference to Dan was being a newspaper columnist from Portland. Guess they figured you were well enough know to the general public that no further explanation was needed. COOL!

  30. Yo-yo’ing in weight is far less healthy in the long term than carrying some modest extra weight. Is yo-yo’ing less healthy than continuing to gain weight medestly until you are huge? I doubt it.

    The boy clearly needs to decide what risks he’ll take with his health. The she can manage the situation as she sees fit, with the handling thereof and reponsibility for taken out of his submissive hands.

    Personally, I think this feeder needs to add a new fetish as a drill sarge and get the best of both worlds.

  31. “If he keeps up the exercise and makes sure he’s getting some good nutrition (vitamins, enough protein, etc)”

    Whaaa? When was the last time you met a fat person who wasn’t getting enough protein? This isn’t subsaharan africa; we get tons. And vitamin deficiency? Why would this be a concern when intake is only being increased? US diets are full of fortified foods, although we should all know a doughnut with vitamins isn’t any healthier. Unless he lives in Seattle and needs D, he’s only got to worry about the fat.

    “Fat people can be healthy too, you know. And chances are, his metabolism will even it out eventually so he’ll balance out at a new stable weight…”

    Fat people CAN be healthy; you can take bareback cock and not get HIV. You can ride a motorcycle without a helmet and remain uninjured. You can fail to exercise and not have a heart attack. But it’s not good advice. And what reason do we have to believe that his weight will just even out? Getting fat does several things to make us keep gaining: we learn bad habits, its harder to exercise, your body “defends” the new weight, and you tend to obtain fatter friends / make your friends fatter (see JAMA article on fat friend networks), and its much harder to lose than to gain if just for the simple reason an extra slice of pie is nicer than starvation daily for months to years to lose.

  32. Dan. I. Love. The. Punctuation. Parody. Thanks. For. Making. Me. Laugh. Out. Loud. At work! Now. Everyone. Thinks. I’m. Even. Weirder.

  33. Hey SLUT, it’s true, there are married people in open relationships. Obviously Dan’s advice is good, check with the wife, then go have fun! It’s possible his wife will enjoy/get off on hearing all the juicy details later.

  34. @32, you can be fat and still have nutritional deficiencies. It’s easy, if the majority of your calories come from pop, chips, cookies and french fries. I’ve met a lot of overweight poeple who never touch a vegetable that doesn’t come on a burger, and only eat fruit if it is in a pie.

  35. Isn’t the 30# mark what actors/actress’ use for weight gain/loss for film roles?

    @14 A person’s weight gives you absolutely no clue as to what that person’s BMI is. Weight is a very, very poor measurement to use for comparison. 30# will mean very little to a person who is tall and fit where it means a great deal to a person whom is short and not very active.

    I also think the ‘yo-yo’ dieting worries are a bit of an over reaction. Aren’t we expected to fluctuate 5-15# on either side of our ideal as a part of normal metabolic cycles?

  37. He didn’t make up procrasturbate, or procrasturbation. I’ve been using it for years. And I didn’t make it up either. My friend Sara may or may not have made it up. Most likely not.

    It’s been listed in the urban dictionary for a while, and the website has been sold (dammit!)
    I was convinced I’d made up ‘vagenda: A list of men you want to fuck, but haven’t yet’. And then found that the website was already taken and it was listed on the urban dictionary. Double Dammit!!!

    Great minds just think alike.

  38. i’ve got one too…. Oblication. it’s when you get stuck using vaca time from work to visit family members that you don’t particularly want to see but you have a responsibility to visit them.

    “So, you’re going on vacation eh? Have fun!”
    “eh… not vacation – oblication. visiting my mother in law. wish me luck.”

  41. @29 I’m curious what makes you say that I’m an ass? Because I made a comment referring to deafness, blindness, and dumbness? In case you haven’t noticed, I was referring to a social situation, not making derogatory remarks about social classes or persons with actual disabilities. There are plenty of people in this world that act figuratively blind and deaf. Whether or not they really are is irrelevant to how dumb they are. Not to mention that I said nothing about believing that just because someone is deaf or blind that they are dumb. I know very well that is not the case. There’s always three fingers pointing back at you when you point the finger at someone else — such as calling someone an ass and then threatening them. Try paying attention to the context more than just the words.

  42. I wish santorum were in the dictionaries. Then I wouldn’t have offended my (sadly) republican husband when I exclaimed that we had gotten it on the sheet last night. He accused me of maligning an actual man’s name, rather than of using a word in the correct grammatical context. I maintain that I did both, but at the time I honestly wasn’t thinking of Rick Santorum. The word has flipped in my consciousness, from a proper noun to a very improper one.
    As for procrasturbation, I’ll try to throw it around. It’s as good a word as any.

  43. Yo-yo weight gain/loss is worse for your health than substantial weight carried around throughout a person’s life. You’d think Dan might consider actually consulting a medical professional before dispensing irresponsible advice, but I guess Mr. Savage is yet another Credulous Fucking Hack.

  44. This actually raises an interesting philosophical question: is it wrong to have sex with something that doesn’t exist? After all, if it doesn’t exist, it cannot consent, and therefore any putative sexual action would necessarily be rape.

    On the other hand, since it doesn’t exist, it can’t be harmed in any way (including emotionally or developmentally) from being fucked non-consensually, and therefore passes the campsite rule.

    Quite a conundrum!

  45. My friends and I were using the word “procrasturbation” in the mid-1990s (and I have the emails to prove it), though with us it meant something closer to “procrastinating in a self-indulgent [i.e. masturbatory] way”. I doubt we were the only ones — it’s a pretty obvious coinage.

  48. The Axe Body Spray — my girlfriend works at a middle school and they can tell when a young man hits puberty as they seem to take hourly flea baths in Axe Body Spray !

  50. My current going word is fuckery, an alternative to the gerrund, fucking to indicate a conceptual or metaphoric equivilant to fucking. Used typically in compounds.

    For example: Phillip is really into buttfucking. means that Phillip literally likes anal penetration during sex (most likely providing, but not necessarily).

    On the other hand: Phillip is really into buttfuckery. means that Phillip enjoys worrying about others who might or might not be buttfucking each other.

    Inspired by past SLOG exchanges, and the Jon Stewart’s recent meal of rump of CNN which featured goatfuckery.

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