I’m a 20-year-old girl, and
I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is 23, for two years. From the
get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like most straight guys, he’s
happy to be with a girl who likes girls.

The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit
on a girl. Getting a man was the easy part, but getting a girl who is
willing to fuck around not only with me but also with my boyfriend is a
daunting task. I encourage my boyfriend to talk to women since he is
good eye candy. But I get kinda sorta jealous when he actually goes and
talks to other women. It’s a weird game that gives me a headache. All I
want is to satisfy my cravings for a woman—is that too much to
ask? Am I just being selfish? Why can’t girls just appear in my
bedroom?

Crazy About Girls Eternally

Because you’re not Logan, CAGE, and there’s
no such thing as the Circuit (www.tinyurl.com/cfj89d)—not
yet, anyway, even if the internet kinda sorta comes close.

If watching your boyfriend hit on
girls—ostensibly on your behalf—gives you a headache and
makes you jealous, then you’re going to have to learn to hit on girls
yourself, CAGE, either in person or online. And you might have more
success landing a willing bisexual girl—a girl who’s interested
in you and your boyfriend—if you made the passes.

Nice, sexually adventurous girls approached
by 23-year-old pieces of male eye candy about two-girls/one-guy
threesomes will assume that it’s about Eye Candy’s fantasies, not the
girlfriend’s. And if you’re hanging back, looking uncomfortable,
jealous, and headachy, even a girl who might be up for a threesome is
going to read reluctance into your demeanor, presume your boyfriend is
pressuring you, and politely decline. Or she’s going to think you have
the swine flu and decline.

If you want pussy, CAGE, you’ll have to take
the lead. Remember: It’s okay to be geeky and inept and awkward when
you’re hitting on someone; some people think it’s cute, and smooth is
overrated when it comes to making passes. (Your boyfriend sounds pretty
smooth—what has it gotten you?) Practice a few cheesy lines,
something direct and truthful, something along the lines of, “We think
you’re really hot, and we’ve always wanted to have a
threesome”—and just blurt it out at the next pretty, flirty girl
who crosses your paths. If you can’t do that, post personal ads online
and flirt via e-mail. There are a lot of couples online looking for
thirds, CAGE, and you’ll increase your odds of success if you offer to
be a couple’s third in exchange for the woman in the couple taking a
turn as the third for you and your boyfriend.

Of course, that might make your boyfriend
jealous—but it’s his turn, right?

I’m a straight female in her early
20s, currently engaged to a handsome man three years older. We’re very
happy and we have a strong, healthy relationship, but lately I’ve been
worried about one question: Considering my limited previous sexual
experience (before him, it was oral only), is it still possible to have
a long, enjoyable sex life with him? I’ve gotten some
(well-intentioned, I’m sure) advice that suggests that we are both
making mistakes. I can’t have a satisfying sex life without being able
to compare him to anyone else, I’m told, and he’s making a huge mistake
by pairing up with a less experienced partner. I hope that the
individuals telling me this are wrong.

I have absolutely zero interest in opening
up this relationship, and I do my best to be GGG. He says I’m a great
lover and a lot more confident in bed now compared to when we first
made love, but I want to improve. Still, I don’t want to find out down
the road that we made a mistake.

Negligible Experience With Boning

Are you happy? Is he happy? That’s all that
matters. Just keep those lines of communication open, NEWB, while you
continue to explore your sexualities together. And remind yourself
every once in a while that even the less experienced partner in a
relationship is allowed to have likes and dislikes, offer constructive
criticisms, and make suggestions—and sometimes demands. And
anyone who is being GGG for her partner has every right to
expect GGG from her partner.

Finally, tell the “friends” who’re offering
you such unhelpful advice—tell those underminers—to go fuck
themselves. Some people need to sleep around a bit before they realize
what they like and whom they want. That’s not the case for everyone.
And there are plenty of men and women out there in miserable, sexually
dysfunctional marriages who met after both had plenty of
experience.

I have a small problem. My niece is
14, and the other day I met her boyfriend. He’s a sweet boy, with
double-pierced ears and amazing fashion sense. My niece fell for him
when she saw him sporting a pink jacket in the hallway of school, which
is, of course, the reason my niece likes him. What teenage girl
wouldn’t want someone to go shopping with? As a middle-aged homosexual
myself, I can spot a proto-queer a mile away. Needless to say, my
sister loves the boy—he’s a perfect gentleman. I’m inclined to
let it be. They’re only 14; what harm could it do? Then I worry, what
if this goes on for years? I don’t want her to get hurt. Then again,
this boy could just grow up to be a Felix Unger–type
heterosexual. Any advice?

A Caring Loving Uncle

It’s comforting to think that your niece is
safe with this boy, seeing as he’s a perfect little gentleman now and
likely to be a perfect little pillow-chomping bottom when he grows up
(or one of those rare fashion-forward tops). But a study conducted by
the University of British Columbia found that gay and lesbian
youth—closeted or otherwise—were more likely to get
pregnant/impregnate than their straight peers. Because nothing says
“I’M NOT GAY!” like a knocked-up 14-year-old girlfriend.

So here’s what I’d do if I were you, ACLU:
Pull the boy aside for a chat. Begin with, “You seem like a nice kid,”
and then let him have it: “But if you get my niece pregnant, I will
kill you.” Now pay attention to the italicized bits in what comes next:
“I’d rather you didn’t fuck her—she’s 14, so are you—but if
you need condoms or advice about anything, don’t hesitate to
ask. I won’t repeat anything you ask me about to my sister.
And don’t think I won’t kick your ass just because I’m gay. I
can and I will. Oh, and love the jacket—where did you
get it?”

The boy will emerge from this harrowing chat
aware that his girlfriend has potentially violent family members who
are watching out for her—something all 14-year-old boyfriends
should be made aware of—and that he can confide in you, the
involved gay uncle, privately and about anything. It’s
unlikely that he’ll seize the opportunity to come out to you, ACLU, and
it’s important that you accept the premise of his heterosexuality
(however improbable it might seem) before, during, and after your talk.
You’ll be nudging him in the direction of coming out to someone, at
some point, by setting an example, ACLU, while decreasing the odds that
he will do real and lasting harm—read: teen pregnancy—to
your niece.

As for breaking her heart, well… you can’t
protect her from that, and you shouldn’t bother to try. That’s what
comes with being 14. recommended

mail@savagelove.net

111 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. Well just to solve it for everybody…

    I have been with girls before I met my boyfriend and we have three, four, and five-sums to say the least. I am not one of those “I just like to look at naked women, but I would never actually want to do anything with them” type of person. I am way too horny for that. But those were all one time events. I was more asking Dan for advice on how to get a girl and keep her for more long term fucking around. Kinda like how a girl looks for a boyfriend, I want a girlfriend to satisfy me. I get super turned on when my boyfriend fucks around and yes even bones another girl in front of me. The hard part is getting a girl that is willing.

    -CAGE

  4. Has no one clued into the possibility that the 14 year old boyfriend may be bisexual? I get tired of such binary thinking – especially in the queer community. Not everyone is gay or straight.

  5. Well, CAGE, I’d say your best best is a late 30’s or 40-something professional woman — one old enough to know what she wants but perhaps to busy to muck about with dating. Or she might be married and sexually frustrated.

    But your chances are pretty small. Not many people want to be a long-term 3rd wheel in a bisexual relationship.

  9. I’m a bi woman, mid 20’s, only had boyfriends and a FFM threesome. Doesn’t mean I’m not interested in women, there’s just a lot more men seeking women than women seeking women around. I also didn’t realize that there were more options than straight vs gay until I was out of high school, thanks to societal bs. I liked boys, so I just assumed I was straight. My eyes were always migrating to a pretty girl in English class though.

    My threesome was with my partner and a bi woman introduced to me by a friend. It was about as close as you could get to a woman magically appearing in your bed. If CAGE is out to her friends, she might consider advertising that she’s looking for a third. Maybe someone will know another bi girl cruising for a threesome. Another option is to find another coupled bi woman and have a third swap or group session.

  10. The uncle seems kinda creepy. Everyone gets hurt by love/lust/infatuation, it’s normal and healthy and probably even necessary- the girl AND the “protoqueer” need to have these experiences. But I don’t see where the uncle or the kiddies need or will benefit from the meddling. Dan’s advice is absolutely off base here.

  11. I can’t believe all the people here freaking out over Dan’s advice to ACLU. I mean, *really,* people?

    A few years back, when my sister was sixteen and bringing boys home, my mom felt that if we mentioned sex to the boys or birth control to my sister, we’d be giving them “permission” to go at it, so she maintained that no one was to say anything to them and pray they just wouldn’t think of having sex if no one said anything. My dad, stepdad and I all strongly disagreed.

    Rather than sulking about it, the three of us went proactive. Stepdad (who is a big guy, 6’8″ and 350lbs) warned the boyfriends that if they did anything to my sister, there’d be hell to pay. I more specifically told them that if they got my sister pregnant and then abandoned her, I’d beat them to death with a shovel. On the other end, my dad and I both told my sister that we loved her and would be there for her if she needed advice, and promised we wouldn’t tell Mom. We kept our word: Dad arranged to cover my sister’s birth control on his health insurance without Mom knowing, and I was there to give my sister a ride to go get it (whether to the clinic to get a refill prescription, or the pharmacy to get it filled) and to explain to her how to use it properly and answer any questions she had. Mom was never the wiser until after my sister graduated.

    I call it the two-front approach. Stepdad and I put the fear of God (not literally) into the boys, Dad and I made sure that my sister had a safe space to learn how to have safe sex. And I’m happy to say, years later, that my sister is only the third woman in our entire family, both immediate and extended, to make it to twenty years old child-free without any abortions involved in the last HUNDRED YEARS.

    Also, none of the boyfriends ever whined to their parents that they were being threatened, or called the cops about it.

    Kids NEED to have families that care enough to both protect them and teach them how to protect themselves. And that’s really what Dan’s advocating there. I applaud it.

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