I’m a longtime reader who
thought I’d never have a reason to write since I’m universally known as
the “good girl.” I have a close male friend. Even though I knew he was
dating someone else, we became friends-with-benefits several years ago.
Because of his relationship (and the fact that he lives with her!),
sometimes it felt like a booty call; other times, it felt like it was
leading to something more. He once admitted that if things were
different, he could see us together. But a while ago I discovered that
while he was unfaithful to her, he had also been unfaithful to me.
On to the point: He recently proposed to his
girlfriend. I’m happy for him if it’s what he truly wants, but I feel
like he did it out of desperation. All I know is that there were some
ultimatums involved. Here is my dilemma: I don’t want to out myself, I
don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship, Dan,
but I feel like she has to know what her fiancé is really like
before they get married. Should I anonymously contact her and let her
know that her man is a cheating man-whore? Thanks!
One Of Many Other Women
Gee… it must have come as a real shock
when you realized that a man who was capable of cheating on his live-in
girlfriend was also capable of cheating on the girl with whom he was
cheating on his live-in girlfriend. No one could’ve predicted, huh?
On to your question: I hate to think of some
poor woman marrying a cheating piece of shit (CPOS)—a CPOS is not
to be confused with an honest nonmonogamous dude (HND)—in
ignorance of his cheating-piece-of-shit-ness. It’s possible that the
CPOS’s fiancée already knows and has forgiven him; perhaps one
of those ultimatums touched on cheating. But odds are better that this
woman doesn’t know, and someone really ought to clue her in before the
wedding. But should that person be you?
I’m not comfortable with your motives,
OOMOW. You may be known throughout the universe as a “good
girl”—as the good girl—but your actions prove that
you’re something of a “bad girl.” And there’s more: Your desire to
destroy your FWB’s relationship proves that you’re something of a
“vindictive girl,” your attempt to pass your vindictiveness off as
concern for a woman you’ve repeatedly wronged proves that you’re a
“self-deluding girl,” and your desire to accomplish all of this without
paying any price yourself—you don’t want to out yourself or risk
ruining your “friendship” with the CPOS—proves that you’re a
“selfish girl” and a “cowardly girl.”
Come on, OOMOW: The reason you want to do
this anonymously is because your top concern is having the CPOS all to
yourself, and that means sticking a knife in his current relationship
without leaving any fingerprints. So it’s a good thing—a useful
thing—that you weren’t the only “other woman” in his life, OOMOW,
because he’ll never know for sure which one of his other women ratted
him out.
Setting your highly suspect motives
aside…
If I were in the fiancée’s shoes, I
would want to know what was going on before the wedding. So I do think
you should tell her. But if you have any shred of decency—even
the tiniest bit—you will tell her personally, apologize
profusely, and provide her with some proof. An anonymous tip won’t cut
it: A CPOS who has successfully hidden a collection of other women from
his fiancée will be able to talk his way out of an anonymous
accusation of infidelity. He’ll either claim the e-mail was sent by a
vindictive ex-girlfriend of his, which has the benefit of being very
nearly true, or he’ll claim that an ex-boyfriend of hers is trying to
destroy her happiness.
Finally, OOMOW, why do you want to be with
the CPOS? He cheated on his fiancée, he cheated on you, and he
probably cheated on the women who he was cheating on the both of you
with. He’s a piece of shit, his fiancée is a fool, and you’re a
vindictive, self-deluding, selfish coward. I’m not sure if you can all
do better, or that any of you deserve better, but I do think you should
all try.
I’m a hetero girl. I love
masturbating, but I get nothing from hetero porn. I can’t stand the
girls’ annoying voices. So I rely on gay porn. I tend to go for what
you gay guys call “twinks.” (Who the hell is a twink, technically
speaking? Please don’t tell me it’s anything statutory!) I’m not
concerned, just curious: I get really intrigued when I meet gay guys in
real life because I get off to so many in porn. I would love to watch
two twinks in reality at some point, but I’m not sure if gay guys would
be into that.
Twink Lover
Twinks are boyish gay men—boyish
men, not boyish boys—in their late teens to
mid-20s with slim-to-slightly-muscular bodies and relatively hairless
chins, chests, crotches, etc. So long as you’re getting your
live-action porn from reputable porn sites and companies, TL, you don’t
have anything to worry about on the statutory front.
As for watching a couple of twinks go at it,
there are lots of bisexual twinks out there—perhaps you could
date one and have the odd three-way with others? There are also,
without a doubt, some twink couples out there as turned on by the idea
of some straight girl watching them go at it as you are turned on by
the idea of watching. And thanks to the World Wide Interfluffer,
finding them—or renting them—is easier than ever. And
speaking of twinks…
However much Playgirl paid Levi
Johnston for that photo shoot, it wasn’t enough. Most people thought
Playgirl—which ceased publishing in print a while
ago—was dead and gone forever. Prior to this photo shoot with
Johnston, who even knew that Playgirl had a website? Or that
Playgirl had a publicist? A publicist who had this to say
after the shoot: “We were talking in the greenroom about gay
categories—bear, cubs—and Levi asked what his type would
be. We decided a twink, but older, so we anointed him a ‘twunk.'”
I love the idea of a twunk—an older
twink—but Levi Johnston is 19 years old. How old is a
twink supposed to be if a 19-year-old is already an aged twunk? No, no:
Johnston was never a twink. He is a high-school jock—the hockey
variety, to the delight of gear fetishists everywhere—gone
slightly to seed. But what’s more interesting than sorting Johnston
into his exact gay etymological category is watching Johnston, once a
major homophobe, become increasingly comfortable with teh gays.
Celebrity—that’s what he is now—means having to hang out
and work with (and work for) a certain number of out homos. Homophobia
is a luxury that Levi can’t afford anymore.
And, psst, Levi? If you did that
Playgirl shoot only to drive your former future mother-in-law
crazy—and if that was your plan, kiddo, it worked—imagine
how much crazier she’ll get if you do a little gay-for-pay porn. Just
sayin’. 
ATTENTION HOLIDAY SHOPPERS: The
Stranger‘s annual holiday auction—Stranger-crombie—is
on now and benefits several worthy local charities. Go to thestranger.com/strangercrombie for details, bargains, and hotties.
If OOMOW thinks enough of her fwb’s fiance to warn her that he cheats he should never have fucked him in the first place. Never hook up with someone involved with someone you care about. You owe your friend enough respect not to fuck her man.
I have no issue about being with attached guys because I understand the situation before I get in. If she is not my friend then only he owes her something. I don’t.
But ratting him out later is just bitchy. You clearly don’t really care about her and you really only want to destroy his relationship.
@45 pretty sure he wrote “teh” on purpose and that he already has an editor… but that’s just a shot in the dark.
And if you were the fiancee, wouldn’t you want someone to tell you before you marry this asshole? I know I would.
I also had a relationship with a married man but in the end the joke was on me. I never had the urge to tell his wife who I used to see every morning on my way to work. I don’t think she knows until now. I walked away. I have hurt as I loved him however I know that I should have known better: it is true that love is blind. He was never going to leave her, I was the toy, I wanted everything yet he could give me nothing.
I have learnt my lesson and now apply a simple rule: if he is taken don’t take him. Period.
OOMOW probably didn’t expect that she would come to care about her fuck buddy but she obviously lost the game; she ought to keep her mouth shut and walk away with what is left of her dignity as I did. There is nothing else she can do.
You know what “Good/ Bad/ Needy Whore/ Girl”?, Just get yourself a tub of ice cream, rent “The Apartment” (with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine),and move on with your life. Because really. Where are you going with this? He doesn’t love you the best and if he wanted to be with you he would be. Seriously, for a girl in your position, that is the best movie ever. Shirly McLaine ends up getting what she thought she wanted kind of by default… anyhow, it just shows that you don’t really want that shit anyway. It will also give you something to relate to. I know when you are in a relationship that is non conventional(bullshit) relating can be a hard thing to do.
Hey Dan,
Love your columns. I started writing one for the new ANTITWINK.com website based here in NYC. Actually, we are not “anti” anyone, it’s meant to be ironic. See Mission Statement for more on that…
Hope you get a chance to check out my latest addition “FREE SEX: Peace, Love, and Hard Cock” here:
http://www.antitwink.com/free-sex-peace-…
Thanks and keep up all the amazing work!
x
Pony
@ 38, 82, and @ 86, and others likeminded, I COMPLETELY AGREE!
And for the DISTURBING number of people saying she should NOT inform the fiance, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? This is a serious health issue! There is no guarantee that this fellow uses condoms or has his partners tested. None of you have made even remotely compelling arguments for this woman to possibly contract a potentially life-long disease. (Just for the record, THERE ISN’T ONE.) What if she doesn’t have health insurance? She should suffer and die from a debilitating illness for lack of affordable healthcare? I DON”T have insurance, which is the #1 reason I have made ALL my partners get tested and show me the results.
Where is your decency? Where is your common-sense? @38’s line of reasoning is completely correct; if you saw a burning house, or a child being kidnapped, or a blind person about to be hit by a speeding car, YOU WOULD SAY/DO SOMETHING (jesus fucking h. crisco I hope so), so why does that concern stop when it comes to cheating!? You all know damn well you would want to know if it were you, fucking morally bankrupt hypocrites!
Savage,
You swear too much.
Savage,
You swear too much.
Although I felt that what you said to this “good girl” was a bit mean. I think that you said exactly the right things to this girl that she needed to hear. She does need to tell the fiance what is going on and apologize. And then just leave this cheater behind. I hate men and women like these who do such things to other people. It is just so wrong.
Funny, I always considered a gay boy from as small a town as Wasilla, AK a twank.
“good girls” sleep with guys who have live-in girlfriends/fiancees and aren’t in an open situation? Is it opposite day all of a sudden?
I’m annoyed by the people who think the fiancee either knows she has a CPOS on her hands or is too invested in the upcoming marriage to dump him. People don’t always know, and some of them are genuinely naive and trusting. Especially if they would never dream of cheating. People always make the mistake of assuming their beloveds share their moral code.
I’m glad Dan wants the fiancee to know, and putting myself in her place, I wouldn’t care who I heard it from. It would be painful but necessary either way. In fact, I’d much rather hear it from this crazy clown he’s been fucking, so I could look at her long and hard and think, “This is who he cheats on me with. This idiot who acts like we’re both sisters in victimhood.” I wouldn’t want to hear his prettied-up version.
@21 and @45. Ok, ok, we’re getting off your lawn already. Geez gramps, settle down.
Seriously though: You’re making us old fucks look bad. Bone up on teh internet: urbandictionary.com is your new thesaurus, professor. Bonus points for reading the entire series at http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?… please note a) the shirt our hero wears 2) the dates on the story, as it lets you in on just how fawking behind the times you are .
@51 – how bout tell the CPOS he needs to come clean OR you’re going to tell the WIFE to BE? he can do it right (or she can do it harsh)? Set a deadline. @14 is on to what I’m talking about. But talk to HIM direct. Face to face. You know, like an honest grown up might…? “hey, being fuck buddies was honestly great, I’ll really miss you: you are of course being honest with Mary, right, especially since you’re on the cusp of a legal vow of life together?”
Maybe Mary’s into it. What the fawk do we know.
@90, to quote mustseetv, clearly, “they were on a break”.
@94, Been done already. you should also try teh urbandictionary
Twink Lover –
You need some Radical Faerie friends. Faeries tend to romp at the far left end of sexual freedom and a lot of them are young and adorable. I’ve been at Faerie parties where boys (ie youngish men) were messing around with one another in heaps and piles, and girls were present, and nobody really much cared who was watching whom. As much as I love and appreciate Dan, he’s made it clear he doesn’t like sex parties or sex clubs – so it’s no surprise his advice to you omitted the opportunities you might find at parties or gatherings.
Who cares what OOMOW’s motivations are. Even if she has no purpose other than revenge, I support that. If CPOS doesn’t want someone telling his fiancee about his affairs, then he shouldn’t have any affairs. He can’t control other people, only his own actions. OOMOW has the power of knowledge here and trying to slut-shame her into keeping his secret just benefits him. I say mess up their kitchen all you like.
@116 The whole idea of “revenge” is ridiculous! Revenge for what?! The guy “cheating”? I feel like that is rather hypocritical for the cheating, piece of shit that OOMOW is! As a non-monogamous gal who had a (so-called) woman try to persuade her man to leave her, I can only say this : people get what they deserve. Even if it takes a while. OOMOW, if you’re reading, just get out now, go nurse your wounds, and get therapy, for heaven’s sakes. Or rename your CPOS so-called “friend” – I have a suggestion – call him “Tiger.”
I was the primary girlfriend of a CPOS once. I eventually figured it out on my own and dumped him, but was pissed off to later find that several close friends knew and never told me. Fuck my “feelings,” I can get over hurt feelings but not an incurable STD. I might have still slept with the CPOS anyway, but I would have used condoms had I known I was sharing.
Right, she’s a hypocrite, and he’s a cheater, and for some reason that means he gets off scot free and she’s supposed to be burdened with all the consequences here, because she’s bad too. Well he’s bad too, and since we’re all about ganging up on the guilty ones, why not tell everyone about him. Why is everyone so interested in protecting him from the consequences of his own behavior, but telling the woman in this situation that its all her fault and she should carry all the fall-out, I don’t get it.
clarity&static All you deserve is being on the receiving end, but then maybe you already have been since you come accross as bitter and hard. Are you perhaps seeking revenge for what was done to you? The problem with being involved with a cheater is that you are denying the basic human dignity of an innocent party. I personally don’t need that kind of bad karma.
I’m also a little on the fence about your advice to OOMOW, Dan. That letter was like a cold shock of water, bringing back memories I’d prefer to have forgotten.
I had a long-distance “friend with benefits,” once. We had known each other a long time as friends, through his single days, his marriage, and then his divorce. After years of acquaintance, he invited me on a weekend retreat, where the relationship became physical and intense. He stayed in Idaho, I went back to NYC. I thought we’d reached a new level, but I didn’t hear much from him except when he would come to NYC on business. Those visits were always hot and heavy.
I knew he’d met someone, who moved to Kentucky with him when his job changed, but it didn’t stop our NYC rendezvous. I felt pangs of betrayed sisterhood, but whenever we were together it just felt right. I figured she had to fend for herself.
Then, about 14 years ago, he made another trip to the city, in which he said that he regretted not pursuing our relationship after that first intense weekend. He said he might marry the woman in Kentucky after all, because he felt like it was time to settle down. I felt like this was my one shot to make a stand.
After he left, I wrote him a letter, saying I would move to Kentucky if need be. He told me he’d get back to me. I called his father, with whom I was friendly, trying to enlist him on my side. And THAT, my friends, is when I learned that my friend-with-benefits had not only already gotten married, but had recently become the proud father of a baby girl.
This was classic DTMFA. I called him, tore him a new asshole, and never spoke to him again. I don’t feel sorry for his wife, but I do feel sorry for his daughter.
It never occurred to me to try to contact the wife. It wouldn’t have mattered what I’d said, anyway. The guy was a top-rated salesman with a golden tongue. He would have bullshitted his way out of it.
I can’t imagine what could be gained from OOMOW telling the fiancee. Dan is right: she’s looking for pieces to pick up for herself, although why she wants this 24-karat piece of shit is beyond my understanding. The fiancee–just like my guy’s wife–is probably practiced at self-deception.
Let it go. Just let it all go.
the young lady who said that she a hetro. Can you please give her my e-mail address. My name is Milton Harvey. I would love to talk with her as a friend. Because I know how she feel. My e-mail address ie whitebucky@yaho.com
@klg19,
“I can’t imagine what could be gained from OOMOW telling the fiancee.”
Really? Really!? You seriously cannot imagine ONE good reason to tell the fiancee!?
Please read #118 for clarification on what could be gained.
You are seriously coming across as a profoundly selfish person; after reading your story I was amazed that you:
a.) Didn’t feel sorry for the other person involved
b.) Expect readers to feel sorry for YOU
This is ridiculous, and one of the most pathetic attempts at justification for self-serving behavior I’ve ever come across. Even YOU felt betrayed upon learning that he had misled you by already being married and having had a kid, yet you are completely unable to put yourself in the position of the cheated-on!? Are you kidding me!? DANG. I suggest taking off your specific brand of blinders and viewing reality as it truly is, and not merely how you want it to be. Polyamorous relationships people; open, HONEST, look into it.
I was a cheater and I got tested for STDS/HIV before sleeping with my girlfriend again. I also realized what a horrible mistake I’d made and completely regret it and stopped cheating.
If the other woman had come forward and told my gf, I would have been devastated.
His relationship is not her business. She should stay out of it and stop assuming that she understands his reasons for getting married. Obviously she has a history of not being able to read his intentions if she didn’t expect him to cheat on her. Who’s to say she’s right now?
lol @ n00bs thinking teh is a typo
@ 79: Don’t call this guy a happily involved man. If he was happy, he wouldn’t be cheating.
d
If a twunk is an older twink, what does that make a HUNK?
Hey Dan: How about an occasional all-queer column or podcast? I know the straights are in the majority and have a lot of problems, but once in a while it would be nice to have something, like, totally queer, dude.
The leotard cheater above reminds me of how one of Tiger’s girls coming out with her story once she realized she wasn’t the only other woman. Love your last paragraph to Levi. and to parismo – Dan used to write a gay column…I thought it was called Savage Love 2.0 but a brief search just now didn’t turn anything up
I tend to hang around with a bisexual, non-monogamous, and kinky crowd, so if a girl I know DOESN’T get off on watching two guys going at it, she’s an exception. Twink Lover shouldn’t have any difficulty finding guys who will indulge her fetish – her only big challenge will be working up the nerve to ask. 🙂
@68
“Speaking as the piece-of-ass-on-the-side for a married man that likes to get his kink on with me because wifey is uber-vanilla…”
Geesh! Grow up, grow up, grow up and more, grow up. No, his wife isn’t “uber-vanilla.” HE is another man doing ye olde “whore/madonna” thing and he wouldn’t DREAM of asking his wife to do all the kinky shit YOU get up to because he married a woman he can idolise and consider “pure” and he will fuck all the other dirty, whores of the world. DO NOT delude yourself into thinking his wife is some prude and he’s the poor man who has been denied a fulfilling sex life. One can only surmise you must be quite inexperienced because it has been years since I’ve heard ANY woman actually come out and attempt to rationalise some tedious man’s “poor me” talk to explain her low self esteem issues.
No, honey, his wife isn’t “uber-vanilla” and before you get too deep into the other big question that must be drumming around in that head of yours: “no, he isn’t going to leave her for you either!”
Now, you know and even though you may never read this because it’s in the archives, maybe someone else may read it and the next time they hear, “my wife and I don’t get along and she is a bit old fashioned when it comes to sex….” they will KNOW that it is just a line of shit that men tell women (girls, more like) in order to cheat on their wives because their wives are “pure” and they wouldn’t dare be true to themselves and actually marry the woman they DO want to have sex with and spend the rest of his life with. I can almost guarantee and I would certainly bet on the fact that he hasn’t even asked or broached the subject of doing something different in his and his wife’s sex life. he chose her for a reason and now instead of being a grown up, he’s cheating. Pathetic, to say the very least.
Also, the fact that you referred to her as “wifey” speaks volumes about your bitterness. She is not “wifey.” She is the woman he chose to marry and he thinks of her as better than YOU.
Do yourself a favour and go and find a man who respects you and if you can’t find that man, then be alone. I sincerely hope you DO read this and instead of firing off some dumbass “rebuttal” you look in the mirror and say, “actually, that person is right and I am being used by some creep who doesn’t have the gumption to fuck his wife like a HUSBAND is meant to fuck his WIFE.”
Now, you know.
@ 124 – Seriously, dude? Poor baby. So, you got off lucky. Your situation has nothing to do with the next “drama king” who wants to live to marry one woman, cheat and fuck another. If this woman wants to get her own back, then it is HER perogative to do so.
In YOUR case, just be thankful no one ever came forward and good for you that you had enough sense to get tested but guess what? There are millions of men who couldn’t give a flying shit about their partner’s (in the dark to their shenanigans) sexual health and will fuck everything that moves and gladly go home and dip the wick with their wives.
Don’t you dare project your “luck” onto someone else’s experience.
Besides, what IF this dipshit HAS caught something? Do you really think HE is going to rush out and “mend his ways” and be the responsible party who gets tested for STDs?
Whatever, dude. Once again, you got lucky but it was your guilt that got you to go and get tested and YOU, my friend, are unique, indeed.
This guy’s fiance would most likely welcome (who knows for sure?) the information that tells her that her soon to be husband has most likely brought a disease home and also can’t keep his dick in his trousers.
Why is this numb-nuts even bothering to get married? Stay single for fuck’s sake!