I am a 23-year-old male who
has been in a relationship with a great woman for four years now. She
is an amazing person, and we oftentimes talk about marriage. The issue
is this: I have a foot fetish and she is fully aware of it. She doesn’t
like the idea of me kissing her feet or indulging my fetish in any way.
We have sex quite often, and I’ve always let it slide that she doesn’t
want any part of my fetish. I don’t know what to do, because I’m at a
stage in my sexual growth where I need to experience my fetish. I’m
getting mixed advice from different people and I just want a straight
answer. The sex we have is amazing, but I would enjoy it so much more
if I could act on my desires once in a while.

Sexually Frustrated Fetishist

Here’s a straight answer: Your amazing
girlfriend is an amazingly selfish lover, and I’m amazed that you’ve
put up with her bullshit for as long as you have. A foot fetish is not
uncommon or outrageous; as fetishes go, SFF, yours is the least taxing
for a nonkinky partner. It’s not like you’re into shit or choking or
Christian side hugs. Any amazing woman who truly loved you would regard
indulging you as a no-brainer.

Share time: I have a good friend who’s not
kinky at all—unless you count being gay—and he’s a runner
who goes for long runs every Saturday morning. When he gets home, he
handcuffs his boyfriend to a chair in his kitchen, duct-tapes one of
his sweaty sneakers over the boyfriend’s face, and leaves him there
while he has breakfast. My friend—who came to me for advice when
his boyfriend confessed his fetish—isn’t really into guys with
sneakers duct-taped to their faces. But it gets his lover off, and
isn’t that what lovers are for?

Your lover has had things—she’s had
you—on her terms for four years, SFF, which means you’re going to
have to play the breakup card. It’s the only leverage you have. Tell
her that if she can indulge your fetish—happily and
regularly—and take some pleasure in giving you pleasure, she
might be “the one.” If she can’t or won’t, she obviously isn’t. (Not
that “the one” is anything other than a destructive myth, but for the
sake of winning this argument, go ahead and use it.)

Finally, SFF, don’t let the
girlfriend—or anyone else—tell you that you’re threatening
to end this relationship over something trivial. Sexual fulfillment is
important, particularly if your relationship is exclusive. And the
“triviality” of your kink cuts both ways: If your kink is so trivial,
why not just indulge you then? And in a long-term
relationship—or a marriage—one partner’s sexual selfishness
and another’s sexual frustration rarely prove trivial over the long
haul. They’re more often grounds for divorce.

I am a 35-year-old partnered gay man,
but I’ve been having an online conversation with a married bisexual man
that has become an ongoing game of sexual dares. It’s a safe form of
sexual adventurism for both of us. None of our dares has involved
sexual contact with another person, but some of our dares have begun to
involve other people at the edges. For example, we’ve posted ads to
Craigslist as submissives and responded to some of the replies from
dominant men. None of these interactions with third parties will result
in actual contact. It feels a little like we are exploiting the
“flakes” aspect of Craigslist, i.e., it’s common to hear from someone a
few times after making contact on Craigslist and then never hear from
them again. But it also feels a little like we are using these folks.
Is this expansion of our game to involve other people ethical?

Concerned About Harming Craigslist
Fellas

P.S. This letter is itself part of a
dare. If you publish it and include a dare in the reply, I will have to
fulfill that dare.

The expansion of your game to Craigslist
will annoy those guys on CL who are looking for actual contact, CAHCF,
but as those guys amount to something less than 0.02 percent of the men
trawling Craigslist at any given moment, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Everyone knows that CL is overrun with flakes and game players and
picture collectors; the odds that the “dominant men” you’ve chatted
with on CL are interested in actual contact are pretty damn slim. (Guys
interested in real-time BDSM play are likelier to be lurking on
Recon.com or in your local hardware
store.) So post at will.

P.S. I dare you to go to www.tinyurl.com/ye3otsh and take
the pledge.

I’m a straight guy in my late 20s. I
have a girlfriend of several years whom I live with and I love very
much. I just read your most recent column, in which you used the
acronyms HND (honest nonmonogamous dude) and CPOS (cheating piece of
shit), and it struck a nerve. I have never been an HND; I have in the
past been a CPOS (though not in this relationship). My girlfriend is
lovely, supportive, and generally GGG, and though the sex is good, I
have a significantly higher libido than she does and I would like to
have a little more variety in my sex life. I want to be an HND, but I
don’t know how to broach the subject with the girlfriend without
ruining our relationship. We are very open about our sex life and our
relationship in general, but I think this is probably a “next level”
topic that may not go over very well. How do I bring this up without
screwing up our relationship beyond repair?

Aspiring Honest Nonmonogamous Dude

Based on what you’ve learned about yourself
in past relationships, AHND, i.e., that you’re a CPOS waiting to
happen, I would encourage you to err on the side of screwing up your
current relationship with an honest conversation about your mismatched
libidos and your natural and normal desire for a little variety. Lies,
damn lies, and statistics all demonstrate that, in time, one or the
other or both of you will cheat. Better to toss that out there now,
even at the risk of calmly winding down this relationship before you
revert to form/CPOS, than to see the relationship explode after
someone, most likely you, winds up cheating.

And while we’re on the subject of
cheating…

I suppose I’m obligated to say a few words
about Tiger Woods. First, let’s pretend that Elin Nordegren cheated on
Tiger and that Tiger went after Elin with a golf club. Would Elin be
viewed as the sole transgressor in the marriage then? Probably not. And
second, daily papers and cable news outfits reacted to Tiger’s
“transgressions” by changing the names in the same “Why do powerful men
cheat?” stories they’ve been pimping since Bill Clinton blew a load on
a White House intern. For the millionth time: Men cheat for the same
reasons women cheat, i.e., because they’re bored or horny or
unfulfilled or desperate to see someone else naked for a change. People
cheat because monogamy isn’t natural and we are wired to cheat. That
doesn’t make cheating right, of course; people should honor their
commitments, and blah-de-nine-iron-blah. But we shouldn’t encourage
people to make commitments we all know they’re unlikely to keep. The
end.

AUCTION NOTICE: Want to answer a question or
two in an upcoming column? I’m auctioning off a chance to give advice
in this space to raise money for some worthy charities. Go to
www
.tinyurl.com/SLauction for details and to bid.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly
podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

179 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. Good advice again as per usual.

    Sorta boring, vanilla questions though… but I guess not every week can be all poo eaters and dog fuckers.

  4. I know this isn’t going to be popular, but what if SFF’s girlfriend is truly, fully turned off by having someone sucking on her feet and making them an object of desire? What if it is completely nauseating to her, if it makes her feel trapped, ill and violated? They have a great relationship, she’s a great woman and they have great sex – except for this one thing, which admittedly, is important to SFF. Why is it that just because someone has a strong urge FOR something, that it’s not ok for the other partner to have an equally strong urge AGAINST it? My partner and I explore all kinds of kinks and ideas – but only those that are mutually agreeable. I will sometimes try something that I’m more than ambivalent about to please my partner, but I would be hurt and pissed if my partner pushed me hard for something that made me feel demeaned or violated – if she/he made it a make or break in our relationship. SFF needs to decide if the foot fetish is worth losing the “great” woman over – but if they’ve had a healthy conversation about his desires, and she simply can’t accomodate for a strongly held reason – she’s not the bad guy here. GGG is all good. But we don’t force those we love to undergo experiences that take something from them emotionally or physically. It’s a two way street in getting needs met.

  6. OK, Dan I took the pledge. Not one more fucking dime until the DNC honors their commitments. I’ll still vote for them though. As I told my right wing Republican mother,” I’d rather my tax dollars go to support some welfare mom pumping out kids than manufacturing bullets to kill someone overseas.

    BTW AHND I cheated on every girlfriend I ever had until I got a bisexual one. It was like the heavens opened up and I could finally be honest about my non monogamous ways. I’m now married to a woman who likes woman as much as I do.

  8. People shouldn’t make commitments that they are unlikely to keep! Of course, no one is perfect and we all have our own bit of “transgressions” to contend with, but Tiger is a horn dog with women falling out of the wood work. Although, I don’t agree that we are all wired to cheat,Tiger clearly is, and probably knew that about himself before he ever got married.

  9. it’s not that it’s not ok for her to feel that way, it’s just not ok for her to feel that way and still expect him to be his whole self in a relationship. it’s not ok for him to stay in a relationship that isn’t right for him. and it IS shitty of her to not even try, or at least explain what you said above “hey, i’ve tried it, it’s horrible for me and you need to know that i can’t ever do that with you. if that means we can’t be together, then i’m sorry but it just won’t work.” they each owe each other that.

    incidentally, it’s funny this one came up today because i was just thinking earlier today about how i should indulge my partner’s anal fetishes more, regardless of my personal distaste for anal. after all, it is his enthusiasm for it that makes it worthwhile and even enjoyable for me.

  10. Why can’t SFF go to the girlfriend and say this, “You know I like this one thing (foot fetish), and I know you don’t. However, it’s really starting to bother me that I don’t get to indulge in it. Here’s are the options: 1) You let me indulge my fetish once a month/quarter/week/whatever, and I will pay for monthly pedicures for you. Or 2) I get to indulge my fetish by going to someone else (no intercourse involved. It really needs to be one or the other for me because I can’t keep on going never having this need met. What can we do about it?” And then the ball is in her court. I would let my husband indulge his foot fetish if it involved a pedicure as often as he gets to indulge. That might be what pushes her “go” button. Try it. I really think it’s better than the “my way or highway” approach Dan advised above.

  11. As a woman, I’d like to think this whole “men are scum for cheating” thing is karmic payback for the thousands of years women have been forced to endure being divorced, publicly shamed, or even killed for cheating on their husbands when they were allowed to keep several concubines. Shame on those men for thinking of and treating their wives as property. Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?

  12. Come on people, I thought we were all past this stupid “first?” crap. It’s lame and just taking up space. If you don’t have something relevant to say, don’t post!

  13. I’m w/#5. How far does one have to go to be GGG? A foot fetish seems harmless to me but what about, say, a threesome. They’re fairly common these days and my BF would probably cry tears of joy if I agreed to one but there’s just no fucking way. The idea does less than nothing for me and it would make me feel like complete shit. I just don’t have it in me. Otherwise we have lots of great sex and I don’t ask him to blow another guy or anything. Is it really fair for someone to ask you to do something repulsive (to you) and you’re the bitch if you won’t do it?

  14. I’m SO SICK of Tiger Woods! If I want to hear about some creepy sleaze ball’s sordid sex life, I’ll read Savage Love (which I do, religiously). It’s on the news, though! Last Wednesday, on the 11:00 network news, the Tiger Woods nonsense was the LEAD story and occupied the first 7 mins of the broadcast, complete with street interviews and “expert” opinions. The night before’s devastating failure of the gay marriage bill in the NYS senate occupied less than 1 min, 15 mins into the broadcast. Obama’s decision to send 30,000 more troops into danger in Afghanistan wasn’t even mentioned at all. THIS is why I usually get my news from NPR. Walter Cronkite is turning over in his grave.

  15. Ugh, I can’t even watch the news anymore. It’s all turned into crap like the Insider. At least the Insider doesn’t pretend to be “hard-hitting” and unbiased. Who the hell cares about Tiger Woods? He isn’t a religious conservative Republican spouting off anti-gay, pro-family values crap. He cheated on his wife (with several women) and got caught. She flipped out when she found out and went after him with a golf club. Why is that news we need to know about? He didn’t smack her or kill and dismember his wife. Why do we need to know if he cheated?

  16. I have to agree with comment 5 above, and I do so not only from imagined sympathy for the hypothetical girl who is turned off by foot-play, but from my own experience as a real live woman. While I am more than happy to indulge my partner if I can, I am completely, utterly, and 100% repulsed by toe-sucking, toes in private places, heel-licking, you name it. My memories of a previous boyfriend’s attempts at this behavior still sicken me (not that I think there is anything wrong with it, on the contrary, I think it’s absolutely harmless, but it’s just not my thing). While I am perfectly comfortable with clean, well manicured, non-stinky feet in an ordinary context (I even give great foot-rubs), feet completely gross me out in a sexual context. If my boyfriend of several years made his foot-fetish a make-it-or-break it issue, I’m afraid it would break it for me because I couldn’t stomach it.

    Honestly, from what SFF wrote, I believe that the real question is whether SFF wants to remain with his girlfriend, foot-fetish or no. I mean, he is only 23, and he’s already been with her for a few years, which means that he was very young when they got together. That doesn’t mean that a life partnership is out of the question, of course, but it does make it a lot less unlikely. It’s very likely that he feels compelled to sow his wild oats, and if he feels that way, then he should probably do it before he grows bored and resentful. And while his foot-fetish may be very important to him, it may also be a convenient excuse to leave his current relationship. If so, he shouldn’t feel bad about it because most people aren’t ready to marry the person they started dating at age 20, but he should do what he can to spare his girlfriend’s feelings, e.g., tell her he wants to break up because he’s not ready to settle down, vs. blaming it on her unwillingness to suck nauseating his toe jam down her throat.

  17. 17 – I have to agree with you. There isn’t anything that could make the idea of my husband’s foot/toe/heel/whatever in my mouth sexy. Kudos for those who like it, and I hope you find people to satisfy your harmless kink, but it’s just not for me.

    However, it sounds as though his thing is sucking on her toes. Maybe if she had a little incentive (see my previous comment about pedicures above), she might be enticed into trying it. If, however, she is completely repelled by it, perhaps he needs to find fulfillment elsewhere.

  18. I really find it difficult to accept the argument that “monogamy is not natural” and people are simply “wired” to cheat. You’ve mentioned this quite a bit in your column, and I’m just curious if you are faithful to your own partner and co-Daddy, Dan?

  20. re: Tiger Woods. If it’s true he only married for publicity reasons, AND if his wife knew and went along with it, then can he really be said to have cheated on her? Then again, if she knew it was fake I guess she’d have no reason to go after him with a golf club?…so if he fake-married her without her knowing, then he’s an even bigger jerk than the typical serial cheater.

  21. 19, read the back columns. It’s evolutionary science for one — virtually no animal in monogamus, and humans certainly aren’t meant to be.
    I bet Dan’s faithful in a Savage Love way — in that he is perfectly honest and GGG with his partner. But really, it ought not matter, because it’s his own business.

  22. @4 Actually, I think the violence that apparently entered into their relationship for at least one night is more the reason why this is our business. It’s sad that people in 2009 still have the mindset of “if no one wants to press charges, then it’s none of our business”

    Domestic violence is our business, no matter who is the aggressor.

  23. @5– There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with someone for not wanting her feet played with. What it comes down to in the end is that he wants to be in a relationship that includes X, and she wants to be in a relationship that includes at least as much Not-X. If one or the other isn’t going to give, then they’re simply incompatible.

    Neither of them is a better or worse person for it, but sometimes people aren’t right for each other and sometimes it’s because of stuff far less important than a fetish. It is possible for two people to decide that a relationship is going to work out without one of them necessarily being ‘the bad guy.’

  24. #5, #17, et al…
    I actually think that’s kind of the point. There is nothing wrong with her absolutely refusing to indulge him in that kink. But she has to acknowledge that, in doing so in the context of a monogamous, heading-towards-marriage relationship, she is basically telling him to accept a lifetime of sexual denial.
    And please, no fake-out allusions to what else is on offer, sexually. If he is as sexually connected to feet as he himself states, then citing the all the great head she’ll give him is purely diversionary.
    In short, if that is her line in the sand (and she has every right to draw one), than they will probably have to just admit they are not going to work out in the long haul. Sad, but better now than in ten years when she catches him beating off with someone else’s foot in his mouth.

  25. 19 – This column is not about Dan. If it was, it wouldn’t be as successful as it is. This isn’t “Sex and the City” bull-shit, so he’s not going to talk about what he and his husband do, particularly since Terry has told Dan he doesn’t like it.

  26. Monogamy *is* natural for some people. Same as being gay, or being poly, or being straight is natural for some people. We’re not meant to be all the same. Saying monogamy isn’t natural is very judgmental to those of us for whom it comes naturally, and is also just incorrect.
    It’s like saying because most people are straight, being gay isn’t natural. Because most humans are brown, being white isn’t natural. Because most human beings have dark eyes, light eyes are unnatural.
    Why isn’t it simply ok to be wired the way you’re wired, an it harm none?
    Which goes for both sides of that argument, btw – the non-monogamous can stop smugly telling use how more evolved and truer to their nature they are, and the monogamous can STFU about other people’s adult, consensual, honest choices, ffs.
    (Can you tell I’m sick of people assuming their way is the “natural” or “best” way for everybody else?)

  27. @5 and similar,

    I recall Dan saying some time ago how blowjobs are no longer kinky (were they ever?) and someone refusing a BJ is way outside the norm and sorta strange (and therefore dump-worthy without having to feel shitty for dumping someone for a kink).

    Foot fetishism is boring and vanilla. He’s not asking her to eat his poo or fuck his dog. It’s a foot. It’s boring. She can’t bring herself to do something as boring as a foot-job every now and then?

    She’s not evil or mean or anything, but she is refusing to do something that’s really barely kinky. Unlike eating poo or fucking a dog, there are a million other chicks out there who would likley be identical to this chick but with the advantage of also being willing to do feet too.

    Evolution of sex can be a bitch for those unwilling to change.

  28. I love the discussions about monogamy. It doesn’t work for me! 🙂 One of my favorite jokes about the tools I sell (sextoys!) is that it’s a safe and cheap way to have that threesome you’ve been pining for! It’s funny to me that some people will are even jealous of TOYS, let alone people in their partner’s boudoir. Hell, I have more extra PEOPLE than some people have TOYS!

    I just adore having my feet touched. (Note to self, next boytoy will have to love feet.) I only worry about someone wanting to kiss my feet if they’re not completely clean. (and no, I don’t want to kiss them afterwards!) But if they’re clean, they’re just another part of me! People can be such germaphobes!

  29. I hate it when you say monogamy is unnatural, Dan. It’s probably not the most common orientation, but I’m sure some people out there do not have any interest in sex with someone other than their partner. Your dismissal makes it sound like there is something wrong with these people, and it reminds me of right-wing nuts jobs screaming that homosexuality is unnatural. I wouldn’t be surprised if 8% of the population didn’t have make an effort to stay monogamous.

  31. @22: “It’s evolutionary science for one”

    If you look at most higher animals, the inherent urge is to monopolize several partners. The ideal for any one person is the harem, not the free love free-for-all. Unfortunately, every member of my harem has to want to be in a very lopsided relationship, and there’s a real shortage of people into that side of things.

    Which is what makes monogamy so popular. As awesome as it sounds to have multiple partners, most people are less than happy seeing their partner do the same. It’s not for no reason that poly types are seen as manipulative and controlling unicorn hunters, after all.

  32. @22: Funny how “evolutionary science” is used to prop up pretty much any argument these days. It seems to me that all that sexual honesty is really just the new fidelity. Oh, but wait – doesn’t “evolutionary science” also tell us that people are hardwired to lie?! Back to square one.

  33. @5, 17, 18–I don’t get to experience sorrow, empathy, disgust, or pity the way the vast majority of you primates do. I understand complex human emotions much in the same way a color blind artist must understand color. ‘Oh, that particular gray must be blue,’ he must think.

    The best way I can describe the disquiet I feel realizing that there are people to whom indulgence of such a safe little kink would be a deal-breaker is very similar to the feeling I get when someone gets up to get a beer and I ask them, ‘hey, since you’re up, would you mind getting one for me?’ and they say, ‘get it yourself.’

    I don’t know what you’d call that feeling. But it’s not a good feeling.

  34. Tiger Woods was abused. His infidelity is trivial, and a money whore like Elin should have expected it. The real story is spousal abuse. She committed grievous bodily assault on Tiger and is getting away with it. Far from being sent to prison, she is extracting hush money. And the media talks about nothing but Tiger’s indiscretions this, Tiger’s infidelity that. It’s a travesty.

  35. Tiger Woods was abused. His infidelity is trivial, and a money whore like Elin should have expected it. The real story is spousal abuse. She committed grievous bodily assault on Tiger and is getting away with it. Far from being sent to prison, she is extracting hush money. And the media talks about nothing but Tiger’s indiscretions this, Tiger’s infidelity that. It’s a travesty.

  36. To number 5 above.Nobody said she was the bad guy.If she doesn`t like having her feet sucked she should go find a new boy friend who doesn`t want to suck her feet.No one is bad,they are just not a good match.His feeling of being denied and her guilt for denying him will never go away..Why do so mant people waiste their life with the wrong person?

  38. I won’t let my doctor look at my feet. I’ve never had a pedicure- just the thought makes me queasy. I like anal, oral, you name it but if I had a partner who wanted to worship my feet, I’d be on my way out the door.

  39. I agree with #5 and others. They may be fundamentally incompatible, but it’s awfully damn judgmental to decide she’s “selfish” without hearing her side of the story. Like, perhaps, the times she’d tried it with other men and it grossed her out.

    On the other hand, the guy might be immature and unrealistic. No partner is perfect. It’s deciding what imperfections you can live with. If she’s wondeful in every way except for her distaste for this one fetish he admits he hasn’t explored (and may not survive), he might be throwing out the baby with the proverbial toe-jam annointed water.

  40. @25 – funny you should say that people who aren’t willing to put up with their feet being fondled are behind the times. I’m poly, I’m somewhat kinky (yes, real ropes and real floggers), and the idea of someone sucking on any part of my feet skeeves me no end. I’m happy to do it to someone else, funnily enough, but being on the receiving end would be like kissing a 13 year old boy with a wet fish tongue and enough drool to fill a bucket.

    Yuck.

    So, yeah, let’s just stop wildly generalising – sometimes disliking activity X simply means you dislike activity X, not that you have no sexual flexibility or aren’t keeping up with the times. (Such a ridiculous assertion, that)

  41. Is it just Dan in here, or did anybody else read the column this week?

    All he advised — in fact, all he ever advises — is that people discuss their desires in mature, honest language and come to an agreement (even if it’s to disagree; i.e., split up, secret mister/ress, etc.).

    He didn’t hand SFF some magic power club to beat his girlfriend with, obligating her to be a foot freak.

    All Dan did was point out the obvious: if it’s important to you in bed, you should find someone who loves you enough to respect that, and take it from there. Step #2 is up to you.

    Is that too subtle or something? From the comments, you’d think Dan told the kid to do the can-can on his girlfriend’s face!

  42. And, by the way, SFF’s GF IS selfish for refusing to try it, apparently without explanation. She’s also incredibly unimaginative. If they have a chat about sexual fetishes and boundaries, and power dynamics and so on, who knows? She may have a few things she wants to try, too, but has never given any time to thinking about.

    That’s what makes this comment thread so distressing: most people seem to see thoughtful discussions of sex as threatening or borderline-abusive (“she said no. No means no! Maybe she has tried it before…!”). I mean, project much?

    It would be a shame if two young people wasted years of their primes because they couldn’t do that fundamental human activity that is: fast, easy, free: talk to one another. That’s all Dan advised, BTW.

  43. Thank you, #27. Some people ARE naturally monogamous, and Dan’s assertions to the contrary have bugged me for years (although I love his column and agree with him on most things).

    When I am with someone, and I am happy (as I have been with my husband for the past 10 years), I feel no desire to go after anyone else. I might notice that someone else is attractive, but that doesn’t mean I am motivated or compelled to have sex with them.

    Let’s face it: for some people, getting together with someone requires a lot of effort, and if you have someone at home that you are happy with, why bother? Bird in the hand and all that. (If you are unhappy or unfullfilled, that’s a different story, of course.) And that’s why monogamy works for a lot of people — it’s a comfortable combination of love and laziness.

  44. I think the first two letters were written by spoiled brats who need to STFU & count their blessings. The foot fetishist claims his gf is an AMAZING person and they have AMAZING sex, so what is he kvetching about? If his stupid fetish is so freakin important, he should stop wasting her time & look for a woman who’s willing to put up w/this nonsense. She deserves better.

    The guy who wrote the second letter says he’s partnered, a fact that seems to get lost in the actual body of the letter, for heaven’s sake. If he’s in a relationship, why is even online with others? Does he even spend time w/his so-called partner?

    Needless to say, I completely disagree with Dan’s advice to both parties. Oh, and btw, #19? Dan said at a book signing that he & Terry have an agreement that they don’t have to be faithful when they’re not in the same town. This may explain his writing so many books and subsequently going on lengthy book tours.

  46. I totally agree with 5. If someone isn’t interested in doing something, they shouldn’t have it forced on them. And threatening to break up unless they do something that makes them feel uncomfortable? That’s pretty much emotional blackmail right there.

  47. I really think the people going on and on about how pissed they are that Dan would dare to assert that “monogamy isn’t natural” are being a little too sensitive. Monogamy is an act, a decision. Some people are great at it and refrain from fucking other people the entire time they are in relationships. However, there are many more people out there who are not good at it.

    Dan has said in his podcasts that they’ve done studies on animals that have been thought for decades to be monogamous (“hey look everybody, if a bird can do it, it should be easy for people!”). They found little birdy spunk from many different birdies in that little birdy body. That proves that while the birds are not together, they are getting busy with lots of other birds. They just come back to the same nest together.

    Like some commenters above said, some people are just so good at being monogamous, that it comes “naturally” to them. That isn’t the same thing as saying monogamy is natural for some people. If you ask older couples that have been together for many, many years and they answer honestly, I’d bet there were some indiscretions that happened in their past. Very few relationships are completely untouched by infidelity. It all depends on how well the “unfaithful” one can hide it.

  48. Hey, what about allowing him to worship other people’s feet, if she is so against it? There doesn’t have to be intercourse. So long as he’s only touching/kissing/rubbing/worshipping her feet, I think she can talk herself out of considering it cheating and then they can stay together without her having to be the one whose feet he wants to worship. I mentioned this earlier, but it seems to have been glossed over. There isn’t any reason he can’t do this one thing (and I highly doubt this is the ONLY thing she won’t do with him) with someone else if she is so opposed to it.

  50. Regarding the “monogamy isn’t natural” nonsense, here are three things that also aren’t “natural”: driving a car, flying an airplane, taking penicillin. Should we stop doing those things because they’re “unnatural”? Monogamy in a relationship comes down to simple adult responsibility. If you don’t agree, don’t waste your partner’s time if he/she’s into monogamy & you’re not.

    And since Hanukkah’s this week, I wish everyone a Jewish side hug!

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