I’m a woman who wants to be spanked. But I’m overweight and self-conscious. Men who like to spank women like to spank petite women. Sometimes I’ll search kinky personal sites or other online forums and find someone who might want to spank me. But I get scared and I back out. Most recently, I’ve been talking to a trucker who stops at rest stops along his routes around the country and meets with/spanks women. He is patient and encouraging, and has references, and has directed me to boards with all this safety information, and insisted on getting to know each other via e-mail and phone conversations before we actually meet. This makes me trust him and feel better when I think about going to meet him.

But I still feel like it’s a very bad idea. Nobody knows I have a fetish for this stuff, so I can’t tell anyone where I’ll be going, and I feel like going to meet a stranger on a highway so he can beat me is a very stupid thing to do. Plus, if he kills me, everybody will scream, “Well, what did you think would happen!” at my fat dead body.

What do you think?

She Wants A Tanning

I think meeting strange men in rest stops is a bad idea generally, SWAT, and meeting strange men in rest stops for a beating seems like a particularly bad idea. There are probably lots of decent and kind truckers out there, some of them kinky, and they have just as much right to pursue their sexual interests as anyone else. (And I’m going to be hearing from them after this column appears.) But you are not the right person for a kinky rest-stop hookup with a near-stranger.

This has nothing to do with your size, SWAT, and everything to do with your self-esteem issues and your isolation. I’m not saying this particular trucker is a crazed serial killer or an abuser. But serial killers and abusers seek out women who are isolated and have self-esteem issues, vulnerable women they can manipulate and exploit. Until you can approach someone with some confidence and with at least one confidant, you shouldn’t be making dates to see anyone.

Repeat after me: “Some men like big women. Some men like spanking women. Some men like spanking big women.” For those men, your big ass is an asset, SWAT. Also: “I can’t meet someone for a kinky hookup—in a rest stop or a hotel room or someone’s apartment—unless someone knows where I’m going, who I’m with, and when I’m expected home.”

My boyfriend of six months has a weird dick-area odor. It’s worse after a long day, but it’s there even after he showers. It’s this sickly sweet rotting smell that makes it hard for me to give him oral. Even jacking him off can be tough when I get a whiff. In all the years I’ve been sexually active, I’ve never smelled anything like this. I wonder if it might be that he was in a brutal car accident years ago that messed up his innards. He’s one of those closed-off stoic types who hasn’t had much luck or help in life, including follow-up care after the accident, and he also doesn’t take the best care of his health—heavy smoker, doesn’t eat right or exercise (although no drugs).

When we first got together, he seemed like a confident, happy, dominant man, the first man of this type I have ever met who also treated me respectfully. As the relationship wears on, I am finding that he is locked up tightly with insecurities. He worries everything down to shreds and hates his job but won’t leave it because “he helps people there,” despite being royally screwed wagewise. If it were one problem or the other, I would suck it up for the sake of the most supportive relationship I’ve ever had. But iron emotional control + horrible dick odor = I have to get stupid drunk to have sex with him. Do you know what the odor might be? And should I wait to see if he loosens up more with time (his request when I talk about the emotional issue) or get on with my life solo?

One Dick Only Reeks

Our bodies have two types of sweat glands, ODOR, eccrine glands, which are all over our bodies, and apocrine glands, which are concentrated in our armpits and crotches. Apocrine glands pump out ranker-
smelling sweat, and these glands pump out more sweat when a person is stressed out—and it sounds like your boyfriend is always stressed out. And since the fluids that come out of our bodies—spit, piss, come, and sweat—are composed of what we put into our bodies, your boyfriend’s shitty diet and his cigarette addiction aren’t helping matters much, either.

If you love him, ODOR, be straight with him: If he wants to keep you in his life, he needs to loosen up, improve his diet, and see a doc and a dermatologist about the crotch stank.

I have recently been toying with the idea of doing electro stuff, but I’m worried that it could get ugly. Suppose you have a battery-powered vibrator in your ass and two of those electricity-conducting e-stim pads on either ass cheek. I have horrible mental images of the vibrator exploding in my ass. Am I being completely irrational? I need a kinky electrician to guide me! Thanks so much for all that you do!

The Electric Company

“He has nothing to worry about,” says David, the mad genius behind SexTek, which makes and markets erotic e-stim gear, and my go-to guy for all e-stim questions. “The electrical bits in the vibrator won’t be bothered in the slightest by the e-stim currents flowing nearby, and the vibrator won’t interfere with the e-stim. Assuming your device is made for use on the human body, the low power currents involved only stimulate nearby nerves and muscles. The vibrator won’t be bothered at all. But make sure you’re using a proper commercial e-stim device and read the manual. Most electrosex injuries occur when someone uses the wrong equipment or improvises.”

Yeah, yeah: The guy who sells commercial e-stim products is telling TEC to buy a commercial e-stim product. Anyone who thinks David is wrong—anyone who thinks exploring e-stim without first purchasing equipment designed to be used for e-stim play—is welcome to stick the frayed end of an extension cord up his butt and then report back to us about how that worked out for him. The e-stim-curious with sense, however, will take David’s advice and check out the products available at www.sextek.com and those made by other e-stim companies.

Any last-minute Xmas gift ideas, Dan?

Nothing Under Tree

Sure, NUT: Tinsel, my friend Hank Stuever’s brilliant and hilarious new book about America’s Christmas present; Every Man Dies Alone, a chilling 1947 novel by Hans Fallada about life under the Nazis (Fallada was a German novelist who barely survived the war and didn’t live to see his masterwork published); the bondage enthusiasts on your list will love the hemp rope for sale at www.twistedmonk.com; and the ET302R available at www.sextek.com makes the perfect stocking stuffer. recommended

117 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. I once developed a nasty funk on my dick that stemmed from a yeast infection. It wouldn’t go away for months. It was embarrassing and ruined my dating life. I explored various healthy solutions, went on the candida diet, lots of vitamins and supplements. Nothing helped. Then I discovered chlorophyll. You can get it in any health store. It’s an internal deodorizer that cleans out your intestines. Just squirt a bit in a glass of water. After a few days of trying it, the funk went away. A month later, I was dating a girl and she actually said my cum tasted sweet. Total 180. Try it; it can’t hurt — Stinky No More

  3. ODOR needs to check and see if her boyfriend has been circumcised because if he isn’t that might account for the foul smell. I’m not trying to imply that all uncircumcised men smell bad in the crotch area..I’m just saying that might be part of the problem. It’s very easy to tell when a man has not been circumcised. There is a marked difference in the appearance between one that is circumcised and one that isn’t. If he his not he may not know how to keep that area clean. If that is the case you can help him out. I have heard that uncircumcised men last longer than circumcised men..if that’s the case if you can get to the root of his odor problem you might have a real winner on your hands.

  4. @grinchbinch and zzakk –

    I don’t think people are offended primarily about whether what you said is true or false…rather by your unbelievable arrogance at thinking you could possibly make a claim about what “most” people want.

    Everyone has different tastes, sexual and otherwise. Not only do we have tastes different from one another, we ourselves have different tastes from one minute to the next. And what people SAY they want sexually and what they ACTUALLY want are almost always different.

    I may SAY I want a slim, fit girl with a perfectly proportioned body, and that’s true. But it doesn’t mean that the very next second I won’t see a girl with a big ass and a nice smile and be physically attracted to her.

    In spite of how you phrased it, your assertion isn’t one about people’s sexual tastes: you are, in fact, claiming that overweight people are unattractive. How else could you possibly take it upon yourself to presume that people in relationships with overweight partners aren’t physically attracted to them?

    And why is it exactly that you see someone jerking off to Playboy and being attracted to chubbies as being mutually exclusive? Because you’re projecting your own narrow and, may I say, unrefined tastes onto everyone else. There is no generalizing when it comes to sexual preferences.

    The fact that you’re trying makes you a douche. That’s what’s offensive.

  6. One quick comment about the dick stank-

    To everyone who is suggesting anti bacterial options-

    This would be my first suggestion as well because there are any number of skin infections that could be cleared up by regular washing with anti bacterial soap or cleanser. However just be careful not to wash with the anti bacterials directly before sex with your stupid drunk partner- some ladies aren’t as sensitive as me, but that would create an instant yeast infection for me. Every time. Just a word to the wise…

    And as for SWAT… join fetlife Make kinky friends. You’ll find that the kink community, as so many people have said, is generally in love with all types of body shapes and sizes. And you will also learn safe ways to indulge in your kink…. and probably gain the confidence to pursue what you desire…

  7. i have a big fat ass and haven’t had any lack of people willing to take a whack at it.

    stop letting your self-doubt get in your way… own who you are and be confident that if you’re the most attractive you that you can be, someone will be sparked by it.

  8. @15 — No, you’re not an asshole at all. Just clueless in this particular case. It was a joke.

    And re ODOR — as with pretty much every other problem humans (and dogs!) have: Exercise is the first step. It makes us happier and it gets the juices flowing around … and flowing out. Besides, saying, “Smoochie, let’s go for a walk,” sounds a lot better than, “Smoochie, your dick stinks.”

  9. Why has NOT ONE person (other than Dan) suggested that ODOR’s bf get himself to the doctor to get it checked out PROPERLY. It sounds to me like a fungus infection too, but it could be any one of a few STIs… which ODOR might pick up as well.

    If it’s simply a BO problem, usually the shower will make a difference (even if only for an hour or so), and it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. Of course, fixing up the diet and dropping the cigarettes will undoubtedly help if BO is being compounded by an infection.

    And Grinchbitch, nothing wrong with saying that people don’t universally like fat arses. But turning it around to say that most people DON’T like fat arses is equally stupid. Haven’t you seen all that BBW or big-ass porn around? Obviously not, in your narrow wee world.

  10. Grinchbitch,

    Well sure if everyone had the choice we’d all pick perfect mates with perfect bodies, genius brains, who make millions of dollars and give half to charity because they are also the most moral people around – oh, and also have the funniest sense of humor. But nobody with all those qualities actually exists, so we’re all stuck dating and marrying real people and if we’re lucky we get as close to the “whole package” as we think we can get. Looks are only one small part of the whole package, and maybe people are willing to trade a 23-inch-waistline or 6-pack abs for other characteristics we’re looking for.

  11. I worry about ODOR’s boyfriend having ketoacidosis, which may possibly be linked to alcoholism or type 1 diabetes. Ketoacidosis is a state where the body produces large amounts of ketone bodies by metabolizing fatty acids when it does not produce enough insulin (which typically slows this process).This often produces an almost-fruity odor often described as “sickly sweet”, as ODOR has done. Diabetic ketoacidosis is potentially fatal, so ODOR should recommend her boyfriend to have it checked out immediately.

  13. Maybe the best thing for SWAT to do would just be to date guys who she likes/like her without worrying too much about spanking right away. It wasn’t a really big thing for my fiance to start slapping my ass on occasion, he just thought it was hot I told him I was a “naughty girl” who, er, needed to be “punished”.

    Man that sounds cheesy.

  14. Thank you Dan, and thank you everyone who posted helpful comments. He did quite a few of these things of his own accord, like quitting smoking, starting an SSRI, changing scrub habits (definitely not a DTMFA!). Things have much improved in smell and in sex life, but since it’s still occasionally present in much less intensity, I’ll follow up on some of the suggestions with him to make sure he doesn’t have an underlying health issue.

    Many thanks!

  15. Not to drag the drama too much further, I don’t actually think Grinch and Zak were trying to say that fat girls are unlovable. Their sentiment could have been expressed better, but from what I’ve read, all they wanted to say was this:

    People on the comments board are trying to be too nice, they are giving people who have genuine physical set backs – as considered by many of the ‘normals’ – false hopes and not helpful advice (connected to the body image problem).

    There should have been stronger focus on the fact that indeed, people DO find attaraction in things other than body size and smell etc, but in general those are not adding to the attraction unless one’s partner has a fetish or particular preference for the thing.

    The very fact that people are so eager to point out the failings of skinny people in landing a desirable partner seems to indicate another form of condescension – believing that fat people need ego boosts and success stories to go on. I.E: Not treating them as any other person, which they are.

    Grinch pointed out at the start of the post that ‘attraction’ is based on tastes, this part of it was largely ignored in everyone’s willingness to become self-righteously incensed by any hint of insensitivity.

    Worded better, it’s just the flip side of the coin everyone has been avoiding. If SWAT is really insecure and shy about herself and the REASON for that is she feels she is overweight, she can be encouraged to change that on her own steam. I’m not SWAT, so I can’t tell what her whole story is. If she’s comfortable with her weight but wants someone who can accept that, of course there are plenty of people who will do that, because as Grinch pointed out, people’s preferences DIFFER from person to person.

    If however, SWAT is shy and too self-conscious to advertise her kink because SHE HERSELF belives her body weight is a problem, her problem is obviously not ONLY that she is a shy person. She should not only be told “if you have a great personality it will all work out!”

    This is the fantasy that Grinch was trying to dispel and I think it’s valid. Some people are just naturally introverted, and that isn’t helped when they have issues with their own image. I would encourage SWAT to change what she doesn’t like about herself, not by ignoring the issue that’s making her self-conscious (her weight), but by dealing with it head on.

    She can either choose to be comfortable with how she looks, and battle this insecurity until she lands a partner and realizes indeed she IS wanted regardless of her own self-doubts. OR she can exercise, eat right, and overcome this part of her emotional issue with her body by changing it.

    Sometimes it isn’t best to simply tell a person that positive thinking and success stories means their life will turn out the same way. If we are truly concerned about people’s welfare, we have to take into account that they may just need a helping hand to change what bothers them instead of motivational words that often offer only temporary respite from self-doubt.

  16. There are lots of comments telling you (SWAT) to be careful. This overlooks the fact that whoever you find to date is going to be a stranger.

    I’m not saying that you should overlook common sense safety precautions but don’t let that stand in the way of finding someone. Meet in public the first time and have a way to leave and someone you can call if things go badly.

    Use your intuition. If it doesn’t feel right, get out. But if you are afraid of every man, maybe you need to reduce you level of paranoia. The vast majority of men will not do any serious harm to you. At worst they won’t be interested and that is OK. After all you also reserve the right not to be interested in them.

    And don’t wait till you get your shit together before you date. If you do that you may never date. Who among us can claim that they have no problems?

    Be a little more open about your kink. You don’t have to tell your fantasies in detail unless you want to. Your real friends will like you anyway and if they are so uptight that they freak out over something as mild as spanking, do you want them as friends?

    I met my girlfriend on the internet. We have been together over 4 years and it has worked out well. It is possible to meet nice people on the internet.

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