I am a 34-year-old straight, single female. My fantasy is to be blindfolded, bent over a table/couch/whatever, and fucked by whoever happens to walk by. I realize this would have to take place in a safe environment, but most sex clubs or parties tend to be for swingers, specifically couples. There’s a sex club nearby that looks like it might cater to my fantasy, but can I just walk in off the street and bend over? Do I need to go a few times first and talk to people? That kind of kills the fantasy of it, really. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Take A Number

You could probably walk into a sex club and bend over—lord knows some gay men do just that—but it would be a bad idea.

But you can realize your fantasy, TAN, and here’s how: Most swingers clubs permit couples and single women to attend parties (sorry, single guys). Go to a few parties, keep your pants on, introduce yourself around, find a couple or two whom you click with. Share your fantasy with your new friends and ask if they might be interested in helping you realize it.

And your fantasy is totally realizable—I’ve seen very similar ones realized once or twice—but the only way to realize your fantasy safely is with a couple of trusted friends hovering nearby. You need someone there who’s making sure that men who take advantage of you in your bent-over-and-blindfolded state have condoms on and don’t attempt to do anything other than what you’ve consented to.

Sometimes realizing a fantasy requires a little suspension of disbelief, TAN, so you’ll just have to pretend your guardian angels aren’t there watching out for you. And if part of what makes the fantasy so hot is being a helpless sex object in a room full of strangers, you can always go with your friends to a different sex club, one where you don’t know anyone but that your new friends checked out for you in advance.

I’m a single, straight guy who just turned 30. Never had a serious relationship, had sex twice. Not for a lack of opportunity, but I wasn’t ready for it emotionally until I was about 25. I’m a good-looking guy with a good job. I’m funny, independent, and easygoing. But I feel like there is a wall preventing me from having a relationship. Part of it is that I like having my own space. I like solitude, but I feel like I could let someone in my life and make time for her and go from there. And another part of it is I cannot for the life of me flirt with a girl I find attractive. I can turn a girl I’m not attracted to beet red if I have to, but I get tongue-tied around girls I think are hot.

Now that I feel mature enough to have someone in my life, what can I do to break down this wall I’ve put up to protect myself?

Lonely One Seeks Ties

P.S. I should probably add that I’m a submissive. Not that I’m looking to be emotionally dominated or anything, but being tied up in a corner and only speaking when Mistress tells me it’s okay sounds pretty awesome.

I’m glad you included that postscript, LOST.

Google the term “munch,” along with “BDSM” and the name of the city where you live (or the nearest big city if you live in
buttfucknowhere). Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for straight folks into BDSM; most are hosted by reputable BDSM or sex clubs—Orlando Power Exchange, Los Angeles’s Threshold Society, Seattle’s Center for Sex Positive Culture—and nothing happens at a munch. No sex, no play, just conversation and lunch. You’ll meet other kinky straight folks who are interested in what you’re interested in, and you’ll be forced to interact with the women there—even the ones who typically leave you tongue-tied.

Serious question here: Does putting toothpaste or Bengay or whatever else on one’s scrotum cause sterility or have any other negative health effects?

Great Balls Of Fire

Um… nope. It would probably be for the best if the guys who’ve posted YouTube videos of themselves putting Bengay on their balls were all sterile, GBOF, but most will sadly reproduce.

I’m a pretty hairy dude. I like my hairy chest. I like growing a beard in the winter. I like my hairy arms and legs. The only place that I don’t like hair is my crotch. I shave my pubes pretty regularly, but I have long, scraggly, gross hairs all over my balls, which I could really do without. The thought of accidentally cutting myself down there has been a pretty good deterrent from going at it with a razor, and just the idea of putting some hair-removal product like Nair down there makes me wince. Is there a safe, easy, relatively pain-free way to get rid of this unsightly hair?

Clever Nickname Up To You

Um… nope. Waxing is the way to go, but it smarts.

Your advice for Seriously Troubled Here, the MARRIED MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male bias that straight men have come to expect from therapists, advice columnists, and “sex experts.” She gets drunk and flirts with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and he’s the douchebag?

Fuck you and your misandry. Men shouldn’t seek your advice because you’re clearly incapable of taking their side. You may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you’ll take the twat’s side every time. The world doesn’t need another asshole “advice professional” who sides with the woman no matter what she does.

Men Against Dan

Excuse me? I’m the advice columnist—I’m practically the only advice columnist—who doesn’t automatically leap to the woman’s side in a dispute. I’m the guy who tells women that all men watch porn (so get over it or get a dog), that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy), and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right and a responsibility to cheat (just because you’re not interested in sex anymore doesn’t mean he has to go without for the rest of his life). You won’t get that from Prudie or Amy or Carolyn.

Sorry, MAD, and everyone else who wrote in: I stand behind my advice to STH. His wife was apologetic and recognized that her behavior would have to change because it was, at the very least, deeply upsetting to her husband. She also confessed to kissing another dude, a gay dude, two years before they married, and he was having trouble forgiving her. If the roles were reversed—husband kissed lesbian two years before the wedding and wife couldn’t forgive and move on—you can bet your clenched butts that I would’ve called the wife a douchebag.

For crying out loud, MAD, I’ve told wives—and husbands—to forgive and forget infidelities. Did you really expect me to tell STH to leave his wife over a kiss?

mail@savagelove.net

164 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. Okay… so ever heard of a beard trimmer? It would be pretty damn hard to cut yourself with one, and would leave the area neatly trimmed.

    And to MAD, and everyone else who commented on this, Dan is soooooo right. GET OVER IT

  2. Wow! I have hairy balls, too! Damn that pesky Y chromosome.

    That said… The thought of having my balls licked, sucked, nibbled, juggled, gargled or anything else has never appealed to me. The couple times a woman took the initiative to do so, it was painful – so, either she was sucking on them WAY too hard, or my “family jewels” are just a bit more delicate than others. So be it. And while I like the “silky smooth” feel of 100% hairless scrotum skin, I find that it’s far more effort than I care to put forth – considering the drought that my sex life is experiencing.

    I have… shaved (tolerable, though I can’t manage to get all of the pesky hairs), plucked (that was almost enough to make me cry), and used Nair (can we say chemical burn?) Never again. And I’m one of those hirsute men who have an abundance of hair. I don’t put gorillas to shame, nor do I have a cashmere rug on my chest, but I have enough that having a hairless sack dangling between hairy legs and below a hairy stomach kinda seems… silly.

  3. MAD, trust me, Dan is not anti-male. I’m a woman and I’ve literally cried myself to sleep after a Savage Love podcast.

    Dan has taught me a lot of things about men I didn’t want to know.

    Real misandry exists, but you’ll find more of it by reading Warren Farrell.

  4. I just wanted to chime in on the above comments to MAD. Go cry a goddamn river, MAD. You totally missed the point on some really helpful advice on forgiveness and being realistic about long-term relationships that I’m sure have saved quite a few (that should have been saved). It’s people like you that make even more man-hating women.

    You just keep doin’ what you’re doin’, Dan. You’re amazing.

    Wait, I forgot your revulsion to compliments.

    I meant, you suck.

  5. Just a thought for the guy who doesn’t like the hair on his balls… You don’t think it’s going to look a little weird if you’re hairy all over and your balls are just bald?

  6. Hello Dan,

    I have to agree with MAD, although, I don’t agree with the language that he was using towards you.

    The husband is not happy with what his wife is doing, and I don’t think its fair for you to make him feel worse. If that was my wife, I would feel hurt and disrespected, regardless if she had too much to drink. There is no excuse for that behaviour, its too easy to say ” I had to much to drink” that’s B.S. If you know you lose control when you drink, then don’t drink so much. Too easy.

    For the husband, I would feel the same if my wife was acting like, I would have to question her loyalty It starts with a kiss then who knows, before you know it, it ends in something else.

    Best of luck.

  7. Anybody out there know a way to TRIM pubes, etc without creating irritating stubble? I’d love to thin out the forest, but the wife objects, for reason above.

    Burnham Wood

  8. I would NEVER wax my nuts…holy SHIT! I shave my sack regularly and it’s easy…and unless you’re using a naked blade, there’s VERY little risk of nicking the skin. I use my Quattro and it does absolutely fine.

  9. Another possibility for Clever Nickname up to You is Vaniqa, a prescription cream that inhibits hair growth. Its intended use is for facial hair but I don’t see why one couldn’t use it on other body parts. You spread it thinly on clean skin twice a day. It take a few weeks to take effect, but it does work.

  10. Once again, the need for a straight guy guyinist advice columnist has become painfully obvious.

    In my post In Defense of Guys, http://guyinism.com/?p=283, I laid out the case that it is simply unacceptable that the best guys have had for a pro-guy guy columnist is Dan Savage, a gay activist. As I wrote:

    1. Dan advises women that all guys watch porn.
    On the other hand, I, DirkJohanson, advise women that normal women watch porn …

    2. Dan advises women that oral comes standard, both sucking cock and eating pussy – easy for him to say – when was the last time his gay nose went anywhere near a wide-open stinkbox on a bad day? Talk about not practicing what you preach!

    On the other hand, I, DirkJohanson, advise you that you should expect your cock to be sucked even if you don’t eat pussy.

    3. Dan maintains that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right and a responsibility to cheat.

    On the other hand, I, DirkJohanson, maintain that nearly all guys have the responsibility to cheat – because if you don’t, you are making all
    of us other guys look bad.

    Look – I’m not trying to savage Savage – Lord knows, its nice to at least have someone speaking out for us – but shouldn’t us be speaking out for us? Maybe like many of the women I know who request that I not wear a condom, the woman inquiring of Savage hates condoms and wants be ridden bareback. Is not what’s good for the bear – or Andrew Sullivan – good for the gander?

    What does Dan Savage know about swingers clubs? Apparently, not much, but I, DirkJohanson, know a lot about them. I’ve been going to swingers clubs – numerous swingers clubs – for 18 years. I’ve fucked in swingers clubs, been sucked in swingers clubs, was the General Counsel for a swingers club, and a girlfriend of mine even resided in a swingers club, nightly sleeping on – and all-too-rarely fucking me on – one of the clubs’ fuck beds. I’ve even had a menage-a-14 in a swingers club.

    In fact, sorry Dan, but while single guys often can’t get into a swingers club on a Saturday night, single guys are indeed welcome on most nights in nearly every swingers club in the land. I hate swinging as a single – single guys in a swingers club hold a sexual status somewhere between lepers and last pick in sports – but, ultimately, especially after the husbands and boyfriends of the swingstresses have dropped a load in or on some strange – there’s plenty of sex to be had, and the emotional bruising a single guy goes through watching dozens of people all around him have sex hour after hour can be easily avoided merely by showing up late.

    Don’t believe me about single guys being allowed in? Lets go to the evidence: the websites of some of the top swingers clubs in the countries.

    At the Red Rooster, in Vegas, which many regard as the best club in the whole U S of A, single guys can get lucky 7 nights a week. While there are limits on where guys can cruise the club solo, says the club: “Some single women are at the parties but there is normally a lot more single men then women. This is not a bad thing though, there are many couples that are looking to party with single men” (emphasis supplied).

    At Trapeze, in Fort Lauderdale, regarded by many as the best swingers club on the East Coast, $100 gets a single guy a monthly membership, and as little as $45 more (on a Thursday, $75 on a Wednesday or Friday) gets the guy in the door of a club which requires – requires! – nudity throughout about a third of its square footage.
    And, as I’ve been told by a club owner, the rules aren’t always the rules if you’re the right guy – I’ve been invited to several couples-only nights as a single, and the Trap ain’t turning away legendary baseball player, drug user, and swinger Darryl Strawberry if he shows up at the door without a date.

    Savage also fails to mention the alternative of the many gang bang clubs throughout the land – organizations whose very vires is stuffing many cocks into a smaller number of chicks.
    At Dark Caverns Real Players Club parties, some of my sexploits at which I documented in Johns by Choice, the typical menage is white women getting nailed by multiple black guys at a time. Bareback isn’t allowed without an HIV-negative test result, meaning Andrew Sullivan would have to wear a condom, and the DCRP Club usually has an STD testing company present at each party (indeed, the tester I met is cute, a swinger herself, received a naked massage, and gave me her phone number). A whole page on the DCRP website is dedicated to club rules such as “NO MEANS NO.”

    And if you’re a white guy like DirkJohanson, but not hung enough to want to show at Dark Caverns like DirkJohanson, out in Cali, there’s West Coast Gangbangs. Clubs like this all over the country.

    Its not just Savage’s ignorance of swing clubs that’s a problem. Savage’s piece is tinged with heteroguyphobia. In putting a damper on the girl’s fantasy, you can almost hear Savage lamenting, “where where chicks like this before I decided I was gay?!” He advises the woman to “find a couple or two” – why not bring a large or otherwise intimidating guy she already knows in tow to look out for her? Savage also fails to mention that the woman could arrange all this with the club management – presumably because club owners – like most owners of decent-sized businesses – are straight guys, and therefore presumably not to be trusted in the presence of naked strange.

    Savage also apparently does not realize how sexually aggressive many couples are in swingers clubs toward single women. Having had to defend myself against cuckholding couples on several occasions, the notion that swinger couples are going to fully cooperate with facilitating the woman’s fantasies to screw a bunch of guys, rather than attempt to waylay her between their own loins, is fanciful.

    And what does Dan Savage know firsthand about satisfying the fantasies of women who want to be blindfolded, bent over and fucked by random passers-by? In her inquiry, the woman specifically stated that going to the club first to talk to people “kind of kills the fantasy of it, really.” But his advice to the chick, who asked, “can I just walk in off the street and bend over?”, is to make a big production of it, and is to the effect of “beware of those horrible straight guys.”

    To Dan Savage, a lot of us – or perhaps all of us inherently – are still the big bad straight guys. He doesn’t think guys that are sex-savvy enough to be in a swingers club are capable of acting appropriately. A woman wants to be fucked blindfolded by all-comers – Savage apparently pictures us trying to set her on fire or something.

    The right advice, Dan, wouldn’t be to have this admirably horny woman throw herself in the hands of couples. The right advice would have been to tell her to show up on a Friday night, or, for the rare clubs that maintain such hours, on a Wednesday afternoon (doctors’ day off).

    Yes, its true that, as Savage has boasted, he gives better advice than Prudie or Amy or Carolyn. But like Prudie and Amy and Carolyn, Savage sucks cocks. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you don’t – and neither do I. Who speaks to YOU?

    Me?

    or Dan Savage?

    Who speaks to the guys – the regular guys – of not just America, but the world?

    Me – DirkFuckingJohanson.

    Dan Savage, I hereby issue you a challenge. Find me a website of just one on-premises swingers club in the United States – just one – that is open at least two nights a week and, by policy, does not allow single guys into the club.

    Betcha can’t do it.

    Finally, waxing is not the way to go for hairy balls. Shaving is easy, and laser hair removal is recommended before the hair turns gray and get stubbly from shaving. I know – I’m the author of “The Balls Monologues” (http://guyinism.com). The first piece of advice I told guys in my very first post was to shave their balls. Shaving balls is my mantra. And chicks love it.

    Note: the original of this post, with links and pictures, is found at http://guyinism.com/?p=326

  11. Clever Nickname, I have your solution: The Phillips Norelco Body Groomer. I’ve been using it for years and it’s perfect. It has three different attachments for varying lengths, plus you can use it without attachments for shaving all the way down. There is almost no chance you will cut yourself, even if you use no attachments.

    I was so frustrated, trying to use scissors [I don’t like completely hairless] before I got this thing. I had even nicked and drawn blood from the sack. This thing has made this one area of keeping myself looking good super simple. I just use it once every few weeks. For the sack, you can just buzz around, but you might have to move things around a bit to really be able to trim evenly.

    I use the first one, but the other model or any similar product will do.

    http://www.amazon.com/Philips-Norelco-BG…

    http://www.amazon.com/Norelco-Body-Groom…

  12. Okay, seriously, ball-shaving isn’t that big of a deal. Even if you nick yourself it’s not that bad. Quit being a pussy.

    My methodology: use a trimmer to get the hairs to a length that’s easy to shave. Then, get in a hot shower, use conditioner, olive oil, or something else that is non-foaming and non-opaque, and draw your razor across the surface of your scrotum VERY LIGHTLY. Don’t apply much pressure, and move the razor in a fairly straight line. For your taint, lift your sack, put your foot on the lip of the bathtub, and shave in a straight line from the base towards your ass.

    I’m almost 29 and have been doing this successfully since I was 17. 17 year old Eurasian guys with barely any facial hair can’t shave for SHIT, so trust me, it’s only as hard as you make it.

    Or, you could go the smoother route and PLUCK. C’mon, be a man. It’s smoother that way, too.

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