I am a 34-year-old straight, single female. My fantasy is to be blindfolded, bent over a table/couch/whatever, and fucked by whoever happens to walk by. I realize this would have to take place in a safe environment, but most sex clubs or parties tend to be for swingers, specifically couples. There’s a sex club nearby that looks like it might cater to my fantasy, but can I just walk in off the street and bend over? Do I need to go a few times first and talk to people? That kind of kills the fantasy of it, really. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Take A Number

You could probably walk into a sex club and bend over—lord knows some gay men do just that—but it would be a bad idea.

But you can realize your fantasy, TAN, and here’s how: Most swingers clubs permit couples and single women to attend parties (sorry, single guys). Go to a few parties, keep your pants on, introduce yourself around, find a couple or two whom you click with. Share your fantasy with your new friends and ask if they might be interested in helping you realize it.

And your fantasy is totally realizable—I’ve seen very similar ones realized once or twice—but the only way to realize your fantasy safely is with a couple of trusted friends hovering nearby. You need someone there who’s making sure that men who take advantage of you in your bent-over-and-blindfolded state have condoms on and don’t attempt to do anything other than what you’ve consented to.

Sometimes realizing a fantasy requires a little suspension of disbelief, TAN, so you’ll just have to pretend your guardian angels aren’t there watching out for you. And if part of what makes the fantasy so hot is being a helpless sex object in a room full of strangers, you can always go with your friends to a different sex club, one where you don’t know anyone but that your new friends checked out for you in advance.

I’m a single, straight guy who just turned 30. Never had a serious relationship, had sex twice. Not for a lack of opportunity, but I wasn’t ready for it emotionally until I was about 25. I’m a good-looking guy with a good job. I’m funny, independent, and easygoing. But I feel like there is a wall preventing me from having a relationship. Part of it is that I like having my own space. I like solitude, but I feel like I could let someone in my life and make time for her and go from there. And another part of it is I cannot for the life of me flirt with a girl I find attractive. I can turn a girl I’m not attracted to beet red if I have to, but I get tongue-tied around girls I think are hot.

Now that I feel mature enough to have someone in my life, what can I do to break down this wall I’ve put up to protect myself?

Lonely One Seeks Ties

P.S. I should probably add that I’m a submissive. Not that I’m looking to be emotionally dominated or anything, but being tied up in a corner and only speaking when Mistress tells me it’s okay sounds pretty awesome.

I’m glad you included that postscript, LOST.

Google the term “munch,” along with “BDSM” and the name of the city where you live (or the nearest big city if you live in
buttfucknowhere). Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for straight folks into BDSM; most are hosted by reputable BDSM or sex clubs—Orlando Power Exchange, Los Angeles’s Threshold Society, Seattle’s Center for Sex Positive Culture—and nothing happens at a munch. No sex, no play, just conversation and lunch. You’ll meet other kinky straight folks who are interested in what you’re interested in, and you’ll be forced to interact with the women there—even the ones who typically leave you tongue-tied.

Serious question here: Does putting toothpaste or Bengay or whatever else on one’s scrotum cause sterility or have any other negative health effects?

Great Balls Of Fire

Um… nope. It would probably be for the best if the guys who’ve posted YouTube videos of themselves putting Bengay on their balls were all sterile, GBOF, but most will sadly reproduce.

I’m a pretty hairy dude. I like my hairy chest. I like growing a beard in the winter. I like my hairy arms and legs. The only place that I don’t like hair is my crotch. I shave my pubes pretty regularly, but I have long, scraggly, gross hairs all over my balls, which I could really do without. The thought of accidentally cutting myself down there has been a pretty good deterrent from going at it with a razor, and just the idea of putting some hair-removal product like Nair down there makes me wince. Is there a safe, easy, relatively pain-free way to get rid of this unsightly hair?

Clever Nickname Up To You

Um… nope. Waxing is the way to go, but it smarts.

Your advice for Seriously Troubled Here, the MARRIED MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male bias that straight men have come to expect from therapists, advice columnists, and “sex experts.” She gets drunk and flirts with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and he’s the douchebag?

Fuck you and your misandry. Men shouldn’t seek your advice because you’re clearly incapable of taking their side. You may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you’ll take the twat’s side every time. The world doesn’t need another asshole “advice professional” who sides with the woman no matter what she does.

Men Against Dan

Excuse me? I’m the advice columnist—I’m practically the only advice columnist—who doesn’t automatically leap to the woman’s side in a dispute. I’m the guy who tells women that all men watch porn (so get over it or get a dog), that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy), and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right and a responsibility to cheat (just because you’re not interested in sex anymore doesn’t mean he has to go without for the rest of his life). You won’t get that from Prudie or Amy or Carolyn.

Sorry, MAD, and everyone else who wrote in: I stand behind my advice to STH. His wife was apologetic and recognized that her behavior would have to change because it was, at the very least, deeply upsetting to her husband. She also confessed to kissing another dude, a gay dude, two years before they married, and he was having trouble forgiving her. If the roles were reversed—husband kissed lesbian two years before the wedding and wife couldn’t forgive and move on—you can bet your clenched butts that I would’ve called the wife a douchebag.

For crying out loud, MAD, I’ve told wives—and husbands—to forgive and forget infidelities. Did you really expect me to tell STH to leave his wife over a kiss?

mail@savagelove.net

164 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. Dan, Dan… Most munches are pansexual with the only requirements being that attendees are adults with the capacity to consent and that they understand the basic concept of discretion.

    CLUBS and PARTIES are often more specific about who (and what kinks) are welcome but munches are generally pretty laid back and the calender info will generally state clearly any restrictions.

    And this guy’s “perfect woman” is a pilot, flight attendant or regional sales rep- A woman who travels extensively and, if the ones I know are a fair sample, have difficulty maintaining relationships because most people (men and women) find it too hard to be apart so much… takes a special breed to be able to fully embrace the see-saw quality of such a relationship.

  2. To the hairy dude – shave with a standard multi-blade safety razor in a hot shower with lots of shaving gel or a good quality shower gel. I’ve done this for 15 years and never once nicked or cut myself while barely a day goes by that I don’t somehow manage to cut my face while shaving.

  3. Holy Jeez! For a bunch of people who harp day in and day out about how others should accept YOUR kinks and preferences, you guys sure seem to be getting awfully steamed about a little bit of hair! IT’S HAIR. Shave it, don’t shave it, dye it hot pink, give yourself a pube mohawk, who cares? By the time someone you’re arrtacted to gets your pants off, a little hair (or lack thereof) is unlikely to stop them in their tracks. If it does, it’s more like to be an issue of hygene then one of style. This guy’s already decided what he WANTS, he just wants advice about how to go about it. And by the way, was Google broken? I’m sure there’s everything from advice to videos of people removing their own pubic hair to work with. Use a little common sense, be careful, and have fun. The only downside I’ve ever found was itchy stubble when/if you decide to grow it back.

  4. No. 84 – Did you mean to say that TAN’s scenario was very hot? It certainly is. How much action are you likely to get despite bringing alon a few extra pounds? Lots, you can be certain of that .

  6. @98 – Shaving is an aesthetic choice, and that’s fair enough, do it if you and your partner like the look of it, but it’s definitely not the most hygienic… the hair is there to wick moisture away and give a larger surface area for evaporation of sweat and other moisture in the process sending those sexy pheromones out there too to lure in your lover.. :0) Add the fact that tiny nicks from shaving or loss of skin cells from waxing leave you more open to infection then it’s probably a whole lot less hygienic and potentially stinkier to be bald down there.. If you wash everyday with unperfumed soap or a pH balanced shower gel and wear undies that let your bits breathe a bit (or be daring and leave them off entirely ;0) ) then you’ll just get the sexy pheromones and no funky smells..:0)

  8. That “Prudence” is really a boring writer. It is like listening to your uptight aging aunt try to be “cool”.

    Yo Hairy Ball guy, shaving carefully with a regular old razor and soap is pretty easy. A friend of mine was doing it and I asked him about it and he said, “Just be careful, that’s all”, and he was right. Use scissors first if you need to, just like it if was your beard. I’ve done it dozens of times and never had a single cut.

  9. #9,

    I agree that looks are hardly a sufficient base for a relationship, but they are necessary, at least at first. Why? Because before anyone meets anyone else, looks tell us who we want to meet, or might potentially want to meet. Sure, you hope that the attractive person you meet will also share interests, be compatible, etc., but you have to meet the person to find out if that’s the case. And by definition, a stranger you want to meet is someone who looks attractive. Until you know something about the person, looks are all there is to go on.

    The cliché about men being visually stimulated is based in fact, at the very least when it comes to strangers. That’s just the way it is, and like it or not, anyone who is dealing with men will have to deal with that reality.

    No one ever saw a complete stranger across the room and thought, “wow, I’d really like to discuss literature with her!”

  10. LOST: You’re not the only 20- / 30-something out there who has had very little relationship and sexual experience. I would suggest going to counseling to talk about hang-ups and how to move past them. Therapy helped me a lot in getting over my own fear of intimacy. The munches sound like a good idea. In general, though, just get out there: take dancing lessons, get drinks on Friday night with friends, join a hiking club. As long as you’re not sitting at home alone, you open yourself to relationship possibilities.

  11. Well, Dan is no fan of the “pick up community” but as a group of guys trying to figure out how to bring women into their lives, they seem to be doing a pretty good job. the simple answer any one involved would tell you is, you have to go out and talk to women. talk to hot women, talk to not hot women. talk to men. Joke around. Flirt.

    No need for therapy. No need for fancy tricks and techniques. Just talk to them. Eventually, it will not be a big deal and you will find it easy to do. it is as simple as that.

    As for the woman with the fantasy, another simple answer is to find a guy who you can get to know and trust, then let him carefully screen and select some men to come by and participate, and make sure everything goes okay. Dan’s idea is fine, but if you don’t want to bother with sex clubs and munches (what an unsexy word) let a guy you know and trust set it up for you.

  12. I’m a hairstylist ( male) and work for a salon/ medi-spa in Baltimore, the salon is quite high end and located in a neighborhood filled with young professionals both gay and straight. My point is…if you go to a reputable place there is no need to be uncomfortable about getting ur pubic hair waxed or lazered( we offer both) I can’t speak to the pain involved but I can say it is a very safe and effective bet. I should mention that while it is uncomfortable to strip down, let alone call and book an appt. for such services, keep in mind that most of the people performing these services are professional and, trust me on this one, have seen much worse! 🙂

    I also wanted to say Dan, I love reading ur coloum, I catch every week and I love how well you handle all the idiot naysayers that send you letters, your a class act!

    Rin

  14. Hmm, aside from the submissive thing, LOST sounds almost like the man-version of myself. If this were a movie, I’d ask you to give him my contact info, and we’d happily, though awkwardly, stumble our way to true love…. However, since it’s not, I’d like Dan to shed a little more light on his problem as well, for my own information, and people who are equally inept… (Sorry if this is addressed more in another comment, but I didn’t have time to read all 114!) How to get over that fear? Sure, therapy’s great, if you can afford it, but, many can’t. I might also add a small suggestion to try online dating. http://www.okcupid.com is a great website, if you’re willing to just take some chances emailing with people (easier than in person, and good practice in a way) and go with the flow in terms of people not always living up to expectations they set on their profiles. It might be a good option to start off with. I tried with a little success, made some friends, dated a little, but kind of got tired of it after a few months. LOVE YOU DAN! <3

  16. I shave my man’s balls, and we make it a bit of foreplay. When he gets really hairy, we’ll break out the electric shaver, with the guard on it. Afterwards, when he’s down to stubble, we’ll soak in our 2-man tub a bit, then I’ll soap him up and shave him with a regular Gillette razor. It’s definitely easier for me to do it with my closer-eye view in the tub than for him to do it himself in the shower. Smooth, suckable balls, and we’re off to bed! If you’ve got a partner, ask him/her to do it for you…make it fun!

  17. I like to have smooth, hairless balls, crotch, ass and back. Hair everywhere else is fine — I have a beard. For the back, ass, and crotch, I go to a salon and have it all sugared, once a month. yes, it hurts a little, but easily worth the minor discomfort. I’ve never had a problem with ingrown hairs, maybe I’m just lucky. For the balls, I do it myself with tweezers, been doing it for years. It’s easy, quick, painless.

  18. What?!?! Shaving my balls once or twice weekly is the easiest and most pain-free way of keeping your balls nice and smooth all of the time. I’ve been doing it for over 12 years, and never a problem. Just use good shave cream and top-line razors (Fusion), and you are fine. Go slow and use a fresh razor. No problems in 12 years- ever! Smoother than a baby’s bottom!!! Please don’t waste time and pain into doing waxing or anything else. This is the only place where I’ve seen Dan off-base on an issue. Waxing damages the skin as well as the folicle!

  20. For Hairy Dude-

    I myself HATE shaving. In fact, I find it semi-painful unless I time it so that it’s not so short or too long to shave. And that doesn’t include whatever nicks I get while shaving

    That said? Unless your scrote is particularly sensitive, shaving that area without cutting is difficult. I’ve shaved the jewels plenty without a cut, and it’s FAR easier than facial shaving.

  22. Men Against Dan: Fuck you and your misandry. Men shouldn’t seek your advice because you’re clearly incapable of taking their side. You may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you’ll take the twat’s side every time. The world doesn’t need another asshole “advice professional” who sides with the woman no matter what she does.

    Savage Misandry? Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve been reading Dan’s column from the beginning (If I remember correctly, the original concept was a gay guy giving advice to straight people, and I loved that idea) and will back up what he says: he does not side with the woman no matter what she does (in contrast to what I see many female advice columnists do.)

  24. “No one ever saw a complete stranger across the room and thought, “wow, I’d really like to discuss literature with her!” “

    Speak for yourself. I’ve had that thought before. If I’m watching a guy across a room and he has certain “tells” that indicate he might be an intellectual match, that’s exactly what I think. It’s just as easy to check out, say, a book someone’s carrying, a message on a t-shirt, interesting taste in jewelry, the fact that he’s nodding along in enjoyment to a song I happen to love, whether he’s drinking craft beer or yellow fizz, or a million other little things as it is to check out his ass.

    And for some of us here in grown-up world, those things actually take priority. Whod’a thunk?

  25. 9: I am loathe to accept anyone at face value who says : “I can turn a girl I’m not attracted to beet red if I have to, but I get tongue-tied around girls I think are hot.” STOP FOCUSING ON LOOKS!!!! Stop it! Everyone!!! Yes, chemistry is good, but focusing on the “hot” factor doesn’t do ANYONE favors. It’s dehumanizing to everyone involved.

    You can be friends with someone if you get along with them and/or have things in common, but when it comes to getting sexually intimate with them, looks are going to play a large part. And for women as well as men. In my experience, and opinion, looks are no less important to women than they are to men. The only difference is that men are more honest about it.

    The word “shallow” is thrown around far too liberally. People who are truly “shallow” don’t care about anything but looks. They have no interest in going below the surface to find out what a person thinks, or how they feel, or what they like. But those people, in my opinion, are few. Most people want to get to know someone as well as find them attractive.

    Just because LOST finds some girls hot and others not, doesn’t mean he has no interest in anything else about them. To me, he’s simply stating what is common to many people: the more you’re attracted to someone, the more likely you are to be nervous around them.

  26. Denverguy, you are my new hero!

    I’m a girl, so my experience with balls is limited to what my boyfriends have asked me to do to theirs, but I know that when I shave my vagina – or anything else actually – olive oil is the BEST. Skin comes out smooth, sexy, and nick-free. Most supermarkets will have sales on olive oil regularly, and it can come out cheaper than Skintimate or any of the special shaving soaps.

  27. lol i must be insane.. but i treat my boyfriend to a personal grooming session every couple days. i’m the one who dislikes ‘hairy balls in my mouth’ so i trim them. i use a barbers comb and scissors.

    take my time, cut the hair nice and short and even. he stays still and enjoys the attention. i sometimes take the time to ‘admire’ my work.

    been doing it for quite some time now, no cuts, nicks or discomfort.

  28. To the hairy balled gentleman-

    I’ve found that, for some inexplicable reason, a straightedge razor glides effortlessly over my nutsack leaving nothing but smooth, hairless bliss. No razorburn, no nicks. Just give it a try. A light touch and just a little bit of shaving cream is the key. Hot wax on my balls? Ridiculous. I wish you luck my friend.

  29. To the hairy balled gentleman-

    I’ve found that, for some inexplicable reason, a straightedge razor glides effortlessly over my nutsack leaving nothing but smooth, hairless bliss. No razorburn, no nicks. Just give it a try. A light touch and just a little bit of shaving cream is the key. Hot wax on my balls? Ridiculous. I wish you luck my friend.

  30. I’ve read Savage Love for years with an open mind and straight face.

    That being said I laughed out loud when I heard about people putting toothpaste on their nuts.

    I’m a submissive myself but ouch, that’s got to sting.

  31. I agree that ball shaving is the way to go, but you definitely cannot use a bic. You need a quality razor, my bf uses my venus razor and it works great. trim with scissors before hand so it’s not too shaggy for the razor, then just get the hair all nice n soft in the shower, put one foot up on something stable a la capt morgan, and delicately, gracefully, shave those balls. it doesn’t hurt to stretch a little beforehand so you can bend over far enough to see the back of the sac. it’s worth it. the woman or women in your life will appreciate it. much more pleasant to suck shaved balls than hairy ones.

  32. Re: hairy balls..my boyfriend had the same problem he was really really hairy…I shave his crotch including his balls myself…but instead of using a man’s shaver I used mine which is strictly made for women..he loved it…need I say what took place when the shaving was over.

  33. @ #23 “Ass Goblins of Aushwitz” hasn’t been worth playing for months. Blizzard nerfed the tongue procs and extended the enrage timers on all the female guards.

  34. Lots of women on here wondering why men shave their package. I don’t do it all the time, but when I do, it’s for three reasons:

    1. Heightened sensitivity.

    2. All the man bits are more easily seen and caressed by partner. My wife likes my “chicken” parts and she likes to suck a smooth pair of balls.

    3. You get an extra optical inch by man trimming. The rod looks seriously longer. Every little bit helps average Joes like me!

  35. LOST may have mild Aspergers, a form of autism, since he “likes solitude.” Likely he has LOVE-SHYNESS, a phobia of sex and romance, since he is 30 and nearly a virgin despite being a great guy. Related to these conditions is being a “femme heterosexual” or “male lesbian”, where the guy is naturally submissive. This submissiveness is not usually BSDM related, rather he innately expects the lady to make the moves. Unfortunately, Dan and his readers seem to like fetish titillation rather than probing deeper into the problems of 30 year old virgins.

  36. You were wrong about the man who didn’t like his wife kissing a gay guy. Why is she kissing a gay guy? He isn’t interested. If she is doing it because it’s “safe” and can dismiss it b/c it wouldn’t lead to an affair she is an asshole. If you don’t have trust in your relationship or can’t agree on fidelity, you should end your relationship. Only gay people and religious nuts think nothing is more important than being married. If your relationship is hurtful, you shouldn’t be in it. You can still be friends and still have sex, but don’t pretend you have a “marriage” if your relationship isn’t working for both or you.

  37. Actually, ball-shaving is pretty easy. Use a disposable razor, soap up and zip off the “long, scraggly, gross hairs.” No nicks, no problem.

  38. Go, Dan, GO! I live for your column! Once again I feel that your advice in this week’s column is right on the money. And I’m not just kissing your butt.

    Spot on response to MAD: I’m happily divorced and would FAR rather continue to live alone than remain unhappily married.

  39. I’ve shaved my balls a lot using a regular old razor and Alba shaving cream and never had a single problem. The only cut I’ve ever had was using a set of electric clippers. I sure as hell would never use a chemical depilant on my nuts.

  40. old (30+) guys who’ve been taking care of their skin have super stretchy scrotus: I’m sure several methods work, but waxing or any type of pulling isn’t an option for the stretcht guys. More ‘give’ means hair that doesn’t let go, but skin , and tender bits, definitely get hurt. Also, the ingrowns are a bitch not worth the trouble. When it’s time to be a little breezier / kiltier, some gents prefer electric trimmers for that plucked-chicken-like section of the anatomy. stretching a section at a time and then trimming with a #1 or #0 works fine, risks no cuts, and leaves you without briefs-pinch, hotrocks, scheddyballs, and makes ball sucking lovers happy.

  41. i would suggest, as many have above, to try waxing those hairy balls if it bothers the guy. i get brazilians, so waiting for my waxing appointment has given me time to talk with men awaiting their monthly ball waxing. the ones i have spoken with have all said it wasn’t totally ouch free, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as they first expected it to be.

    i have seen waxing gel and creams you can buy… but i don’t know if the numbing effects would be very good for such a sensitive location. ask a dr.?

  42. I shave my balls and I have *never* cut myself down there.

    But if I did get a little nick, so what?

    I think I would survive. The hairy dude sounds like a big baby.

  44. A short time an event similar to TAN’s fantasy took place in my home town. An attractive woman wanted to be gang banged for her birthday present. Her boyfriend set up a bed in the living room, invited over about 35 male and female (some were bi with strap-ons) friends, and had several fluffers to get the guys hard and ready. Well, the first guy up humped and licked for over 2 hours. He would not finish. The other guests started getting bored, left the party and the gang bang never took place.

  45. For painless, smooth balls, just use tweezers. Tug, don’t yank, and go with the direction the hair is already going. It actually feels good, and doesn’t take long.

  47. I don’t see what the big deal is; I’ve been using a regular safety razor (atra or trac II) to shave my sizzling nutsac weekly for about 20 years, and I’ve never had a cut or a nic. It helps if you do it in a bath as opposed to a shower, and moisturize afterward.

    Why in the world Dan thinks waxing, which is bound to be extremely painful, is the only way to go, adds more fuel to his being clueless (right up there with his claming that “less than .00002% of people who do facebook personals are interested in meeting others” — uh-huh; je ne le pense pas, dude).

  48. shaving the bits and pieces is not that hard. And if you do nick yourself, you won’t feel it. It doesn’t hurt like it does on your face or legs, dunno why.

  49. to 125,

    “No one ever saw a complete stranger across the room and thought, “wow, I’d really like to discuss literature with her!” “

    Speak for yourself. I’ve had that thought before. If I’m watching a guy across a room and he has certain “tells” that indicate he might be an intellectual match, that’s exactly what I think. It’s just as easy to check out, say, a book someone’s carrying, a message on a t-shirt, interesting taste in jewelry, the fact that he’s nodding along in enjoyment to a song I happen to love, whether he’s drinking craft beer or yellow fizz, or a million other little things as it is to check out his ass.

    And for some of us here in grown-up world, those things actually take priority. Whod’a thunk?”

    You must realize you are a woman, and he is talking about men. I have no doubt some women see a man and want to discuss literature. But no man does that. Well, maybe a few, but very few. Most men wonder what she looks like naked.

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