I’m a recovering anorexic and I am still struggling a great deal to eat normal and healthy portions of food. A friend and I have recently become “friends with benefits.” He lives very far away, so we primarily indulge through IMs. He knows I have issues with food, though he doesn’t know to what extent. Normally, I try to be GGG, even trying out a bit of vore in our role-playing and making it a regular thing since he really enjoys it. Recently, though, he brought up adding pregnancy play to our games, and I’m terrified of trying it. Just the thought of it is a bit triggering to me, and I’m so scared that actually trying it will be even more triggering, not to mention my fear that, once we finally get together again physically, he will want to indulge in pregnancy play with me wearing one of those fake-stomach things.

Am I overreacting? Should I just try it at least once? How do I explain to him that I’m scared that something he finds exciting could send me right back into the starving hell I was dealing with just a month ago?

Fearing Erotic Deeds

“Where to start?” asks Brian, a straight, married Catholic guy who won the right to give advice in this space via Strangercrombie. (Yes, yes: Writing an advice column is a sacred trust—blah blah what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Savage blah—and letting some auction winner rummage through my e-mail is a brutal violation of that trust, etc., etc., and I’m a bad, bad man, etc., etc.)

“That you are having trouble eating anywhere close to normal shows that you have not fully recovered from your anorexia,” Brian continues. “And that you’re worrying about pregnancy play and its effects on your psyche tells me that you are not even in the recovering phase yet. Pregnant does not equal fat. I’m not even sure that fake pregnant equals fake fat, but that is beside the point. While pregnant women can become fat, and fat women can become pregnant, the two have very little to do with each other.”

Let me break in here for a second: Vore play, FED? Really? Is that wise? Vore, for the uninitiated, is short for vorarephilia, which involves fantasies about being eaten or eating. It’s hard to imagine a more potentially damaging fantasy role-play scenario for a recovering anorexic than vore, for crying out loud, particularly when that anorexic has only been “recovering” for a month.

“If strapping a plastic baby bump under your T-shirt is going to send you back to Starvingtown, USA,” Brian advises, “then you need to address these issues with professional counseling. GGG or not, you are no good to your current FWB, any future ones, or yourself if you don’t get past this.”

Dan again: Frankly, FED, I’d advise you to give sex a rest for the moment. You don’t have to be 100 percent recovered before you become sexually active again, of course, but I’m concerned about your judgment and that your FWB—who knows that you have “issues with food”—would pursue these particular fantasy scenarios.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. We have a really great relationship and we talk out any issues that arise, but right now we have a problem that can’t really be talked out. He has a really close female friend whom he supposedly has no romantic feelings for whatsoever. I get along pretty well with her. But recently, he has started to get our names mixed up. The first time he did it to me, we were on the phone. He said, “I love you, [insert her name].” It was upsetting, but I brushed it off as a one-time brain fart. But since then, he’s done it a half a dozen more times. We’ve talked about it, and he says he has no idea why he does it and that it doesn’t mean anything, but it still hurts me so much when it happens. Is it possible that it really means nothing? How can I just ignore it?

Hurt And Confused

“What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?” asks Brian. “You are about to find out. Heads you cut him loose and move on; tails you pass off his name switching as a brain fart and don’t give it another thought.”

Brian isn’t serious about the coin toss; he just wants to draw attention to your predicament and the choice you face. At least I think that’s what he means. Okay, back to Brian:

“Either you believe they are just friends or you don’t. My suspicion is that you feel threatened by this girl. The tone of your letter also implies that if you did pressure him, you believe he would choose her over you. But maybe not—I really have no way of knowing.”

And that’s what separates the advice professionals from the auction-winning
amateurs. Now, Brian’s a lovely guy and he’s doing a great job—and he made a sizable donation to three worthy charities—but advice professionals never let not knowing stop us from making definitive pronouncements: Your boyfriend may have feelings for this other woman, HAC, and feelings for you that are just as strong or stronger. Whether or not you should DTMFA depends entirely on how strong your feelings are for him.

Okay, now back to Brian. It turns out that he is serious about a coin toss: “Go to the nearest vending machine,” Brian says, “and buy a can of Coke for 75 cents. Use the quarter you get back for that coin toss. If you find out later that your decision was wrong, then so be it. But to live in a state of paranoia about a name slip seems silly.”

In your advice last week to Lonely One Seeks Ties you said, “Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for straight folks into BDSM…” I’ve attended various munches on a regular basis, and I’d have to say that over half of the regular attendees at each of them are not straight. The folks at the monthly munch I attend include my Husband/Owner (pansexual trans man), a gay male couple, a straight male/bisexual female couple, a lesbian possibly accompanied by one of her female partners/submissives, a hetero couple (at least as they present straight), a single bisexual man, a crossdressing male, and a straight man with two bisexual female submissives. Munches are for everyone!

Bad Dan’s Silly Munchconception

Sorry about that, BDSM.

I’ve actually never been to a munch, and the people I know who go are straight or, um, “straight presenting.” The fags I know into BDSM—hey guys!—have a much easier time finding partners than my straight kinky pals, which perhaps makes munches less necessary for gays, if no less welcoming of gays. Straights tend to be more invested in “normal”—and quicker to freak out about kinks—than proud-to-be-abnormal homos.

But I stand corrected: Munches are for everyone. I should’ve checked with a regular munch-goer, and someone really ought to punish me for screwing this up.

Any takers?

HEY, READERS: Why not be like Brian and make a donation to a worthy charity? The people of Haiti could really use your help. I made a donation at www.redcross.org. You should, too. And fuck Pat Robertson and his vile, hateful, santorum-spewing mouth.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

115 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. er, i said 3 consecutive girlfriends, but then i only named two. he’s currently engaged to a mandy. i don’t hang out with him any more, so who knows if he still switches them up, but i wouldn’t be surprised.

  2. What #67 said! I wish I could copy/paste it 1,000 times!

    It seems possible that there’s something more sinister going on here — that what FED’s “friend” really gets off on isn’t vore or pregnancy, but messing with a vulnerable woman’s most painful insecurities.

    THIS.

  4. On multiple occasions, I’ve called my boyfriend “mom.” His name is Dan.

    And ironically, the only time I’ve called my new boyfriend by a past boyfriend’s name was when I’m upset or frustrated at him, which is very rarely (and definitely an indicator of how my past relationship functioned).

  5. The coin flip idea may be a better one than you think it is… provided you use it correctly. The right way to use a coin flip is, essentially, to force your brain to make up its frelling mind already.

    You flip the coin, and if either you were truly ambivalent, or you were inclined towards the answer the coin gave you, you go with it. If you find yourself thinking “No, that’s not right”, then you *don’t* go with it. But it can help your brain get itself sorted when you’re dithering.

  6. Good job Brian!! Do you know any Catholic men in their mid-to-late 20s I could date? I’m awesome, by the way 🙂

    I think it’s strange HAC’s boyfriend has called her by the friend’s name at least 7 times. Once, sure… 7 times!? And after “I love you”? Something’s not right there.

  7. For my money, GGG doesn’t include doing things that make you feel bad (and being worried and stressed about potential triggers counts as feeling bad just as much as knowing you’re going to be exposed to one).

    Isn’t the whole point of FWB to enjoy sex without emotional hangups? If FED is this worried about saying no to something that makes her uncomfortable, that defeats the whole purpose of casual sex, doesn’t it?

  8. Dear FED,

    There’s a huge difference between “food issues” and anorexia. I’d guess about 95% of American women have food issues. But until you tell the truth to your FWB, it’s unfair for anyone on this board, even Dan, to call him “insensitive” for not magically guessing the extent of your illness. If he’s a reasonable guy, he’ll be mortified that he pushed foodplay, then supportive and caring.

  10. Every time my bf would do something that annoyed me and made me made, I accidentally would call him by my ex-bf’s name! (go figure)

    My friend’s husband started doing the same thing, except it was during tender moments between he and his wife. He was having an affair with the co-worker.

    If she is feeling insecure, she should listen to intuition.

  11. Catholic charities indeed! In the 90’s, a friend gave $10 (Lots of money in India, especially then) a month to an Indian famaly(threw Catholic charities), and while traveling she went to visit them. Well, the family was still very poor. The Catholics however, drove around in a nice new minivan! Spank. BAD POPE.

  12. Hurt And Confused: I honestly think from what you wrote that your man is cheating on you or at least thinking about it. He has called you this other girls name a half a dozen times? If he had slipped up once …ok but half a dozen times..wtf…really… come on now. Take it from someone that went through something similar…he will more than likely not ever admit his feelings for this “friend” so it’s on you to decide whether or not you want to continue a relationship with him.

  13. Rule #6: Don’t make things worse than they are.

    Coin toss can be helpful. While coin is spinning in the air, you will wish for the right answer.

  14. Am I the only one that is reading the coin toss line as a quote from No Country? Anton asks the guy at the service station in the middle of nowhere. C’mon… I have come to expect this audience to be pop savvy.

Comments are closed.