Savage Love

1. Great advice to WDID. My BS detector went off in the third sentence, but I am a heartless woman, not a sensitive guy.

2. Alright, I’ll ask first: vajazzling?

3. Awww, I thought the advice to CTOAC was a cop-out…
   It sounds to me like she is (irrationally) waaaay emotionally dependent on this guy. He needs to break it off HARD to give her a chance at finding her own brand of happiness.

4. I think your answer to No Cocks was lazy. I’d ask what the difference is between how she’s being pleasured by a dildo versus a cock. Maybe the guy is 300 pounds and breaking her back each time he is on top.

5. @2: http://www.spookmag.com/wp-content/uploa… (NSFW!!)

6. @ 2 – Beaddazzler, but for one’s girlie parts. 😉

   Dan, thanks ever so much for reminding us you think pussy is gross. OTOH, that was a pretty cosmically stupid thing to ask you. & on a third hand, I wouldn’t know it was your column if there wasn’t something anti-bi, anti-fat or anti-pussy. Though then your insistence returns that straight guys go down on their women, & I just can’t seem to stop reading…

   “Revolting”.

   Ah well, in a few days you’ll stick up for some lonely gay kid & I’ll forget all about this. ’til the inevitable next time.

7. There’s a vajazzling.com for the truly curious.

   You’re welcome.

8. @2 Have you heard of Google?

9. Yeah, that pregnancy and miscarriage smelled like BS the second I read it. For fucksakes, what a psychic vampire.

10. @What Do I Do?: Of course she could have gotten pregnant (and, let’s face it, ‘with condoms’ can mean everything from start to finish every time and slip it on midway through sex, so the rate’s higher than 2%). And had a miscarriage. But unless she’d been missing periods for months – in which case she probably would have brought it up while they were still in a relationship – it was pretty early on. Approx. 50% of pregnancies end in abortion, and much of the time they’re too early to be detected. So, pardon me here, but it’s not like she was in a loving relationship and trying for a kid – she dodged a bullet.

    This woman clearly has problems. Doesn’t mean she’s lying, but Dan is right. She needs the therapy, but he doesn’t need to pay for it. If anything, she probably shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

11. Eva Hopkins: I am always astounded at the number of people who complain when Dan Savage, a gay man, says he hates pussy and finds it disgusting, WHEN PEOPLE DIRECTLY ASK HIM HIS OPINIONS ON PUSSY. Do you really consider it akin to being anti-bi or anti-fat? Sheesh. I am a 99% gay woman and I find cock pretty yucky. I clicked on that “dirty mirror” slog post of Dan’s a few days ago and felt like wretching at the floppy, saggy, over-obvious thing. There are few things I can think of more disgusting than the mental image of a ball sack. Am I a man hater now?

12. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought WDID’s f-buddy was lying, good bs meter Dan!

    Sadly, years ago I went through something similar. I respond well to guilt (ahh Catholicsm!) so every time she (my ex) reached out, I responded b/c well I didn’t want to “be the bad guy”. It got to ludicrous levels of intrusion, and it took me a while to finally say….and I’m done. Completely.

    Take the advice and run WDID, run!

13. some people will do anything to keep someone they say they love in the picture. how many times is a child brought into the world just to keep a relationship. people should need a license and a psych evaluation to have kids. also i went out with a girl years ago that would not have vaginal sex oral anal ok her reason was that she had been raped and it freaked her out.

14. Let’s review, CTOAC:

    SHE: cheated on you; lied to you; broke up with you on false pretenses. YOU: caught her in the act on all of the above. SHE: hates your guts for having the temerity to catch her in the act.

    Don’t ask for her forgiveness. You did nothing wrong here. What were you supposed to do, just accept that your relationship of several years’ standing — not to mention your engagement — just mysteriously evaporated, and just walk away without so much as a backward glance? No, you knew something didn’t smell right, so you did some digging and found out her lies. And somehow, that makes you the bad guy?! You are yet another example of being brainwashed by all the idiots who insist that someone’s right to privacy is so absolute and inviolate as to constitute license to hide any and all wrongdoing.

    She is pissed at you because she thought she was going to get away with her lies, and you exposed her. Now she is deflecting attention from her own wrongdoings by making you the bad guy. Don’t fall for that bullshit. The villain here is her — not you. She is a sociopath, and you only just figured it out. (Hey, it happens. The hallmark of the sociopath is a talent for manipulating people.) Now that you actually KNOW, now is the time to walk away. Forget the whole forgiveness thing. The only closure you need is to count yourself well rid of her.

15. When did avast2006 get his/her own column? Amazing how the “chosen” believe the comments section is the place to advocate for one’s own byline. But, at least you have a solid grasp of basic html tags. BOLD Oh, and Dan, keep up the good work. Looking forward to hearing how The Kid goes over on Broadway.

16. Re WDID,

    Here is your timeline, near as I can tell from your letter: 2 months ago: you two break up. 5 weeks later: she “discovers” she is pregnant (i.e., just long enough to definitely say she has missed a period) and miscarries shortly thereafter. 3 weeks after that: she calls you trying to guilt you into continuing to be involved with her in some fashion.

    My guess, based on the rather conspicuous timing, is that if the pregnancy was real, it was a last-ditch attempt to keep you from breaking up — or rather, an attempt to get you back when you found out she was pregnant and there was going to be a baby that needed you. Then when the plan fell through (though for all we know, it might just have been a heavy period combined with wishful thinking) that was two hopes dashed in one shot.

    At this point, it doesn’t matter if the pregnancy was real or not. Dan’s summary of your obligations to her are spot on. Since she won’t let go, it is time to make a hard break with her.

17. God Dan,

    Why do you have to be such a dick, yes dick, when it comes to ladies’ genitalia. You can dislike it without being so incredibly NASTY about it.

    The one part of your Catholicism that has stayed has been the comfort level you have hating on ladies’ genitalia.

    It reads through the newspaper. We all pick up vibes, and the ugliness you have towards our junk is just like the ugliness people have towards your kinda sex.

    And who in gay hell confuses a pussy with a ball-sack? Next time, skip being cute and just call the dude a sack, if that’s your intention.

18. God Dan,

    Why do you have to be such a dick, yes dick, when it comes to ladies’ genitalia. You can dislike it without being so incredibly NASTY about it.

    The one part of your Catholicism that has stayed has been the comfort level you have hating on ladies’ genitalia.

    It reads through the newspaper. We all pick up vibes, and the ugliness you have towards our junk is just like the ugliness people have towards your kinda sex.

    And who in gay hell confuses a pussy with a ball-sack? Next time, skip being cute and just call the dude a sack, if that’s your intention.

19. Wow. Out of all four letters, the only guy who’s NOT a pussy is the one who wears his girlfriend’s underwear.

20. @ yourmom.com – Dan’s advice to CTOAC wasn’t a cop-out, he’s pretty consistent on kinky sex questions – usually “do whatever works” switch it up if it doesn’t. Too dependent on the guy? That makes no sense. What would you have him say? Break up with the guy because you’re enjoying dressed-up sex too much?

    Anyway, like 99% of the time. Agree with everything Dan says, great issue! Serious I had 3 “laugh out loud” moments. You’re frick’n AWWWWWESOME Dan

21. IF ‘vajazzling’ were an actual *trend,* my reaction would be BLARGH. but considering that site was an endless loop of ads and not content, I’m convinced it’s just something that some advertising douche is trying to sell to some dumbass bitches that think their vagina can’t possibly be attractive just the way it is.

    which also makes me want to BLARGH.

22. WDID: Yes, she is manipulating you; She needs real therapy, which apparently isn’t helping much now. You need to run fast and far away.

    CTOAC: Forgive yourself and forget her. You can write a letter and burn it, so you get it out of your system. Then, move on to the next subject and never think about that stupid woman anymore.

    NC: As long as your partner wants what you want, all it’s OK. I’m sure there are those men out there, although scarce, I guess. Maybe you can reach an agreement: one regular fuck and then a series of no-cock fucks ’til the next time. There are so many ways to be pleased. Who knows? Maybe there’s someone who can love you enoguh and is willing to sacrifice his penis-in-vagina sex in exchaneg for great BJs. Actually, now that I tihnk better, you bet there are many more men willing to do just that, especially after some time of living together. Uff, millions!

    CAC: So what if you both get fixated in one kind of sex if it pleases you? Eventually you both will grow out into something else and revisit this obsession from time to time later on your life. If the relationship lasts, you bet there will be other fantasies to act upon. Give yourselves some time.

    Finally: I suspected it but didn’t know how HOTT Katy Griffin is. Vajazzlin… weeeell… is just a little shiny temporary tatoo. I’d be more creative with the designs, though. It makes a cute present but is not particularly arousing to me.

23. To “Confused and Curious”, the woman who dates a cross dresser and enjoys having sex with him while “dressed”: you and your boyfriend are extremely lucky to find each other. You should be proud of yourself for being such an open minded GGG kinda gal. And at least in your case, it seems to pay dividends as well!

    According to different studies done over the years, it is estimated that 5% to 15% of straight men enjoy cross dressing to some degree or another, and most of them find it very sexually stimulating. In other words, women who end up with a cross dresser are likely to benefit from letting their men “dress up” while having sex.
    Not to mention that women who let their man dress up have a huge leverage to ask him to do something, actually MANY THINGS, for them in return. And chances are good that most of your wishes will indeed come true!!!

    It takes time and trust, there’s a lot of stigma involved, and many cross dressers are ashamed and secretive about their habits to begin with. But as you and your boyfriend prove it can be fun and sexy for all involved.

    Best to you and all other couples who incorporate cross dressing in their lives!

    Yes, I’m one of those 5% to 15%, and you may have seen me around town as I’m not secretive nor ashamed anymore. I treat you all with respect and hope the same is coming my way. Thanks for reading this.

24. CTOAC – She didn’t do anything “wrong” either – she was simply exploring her options, and the option she opted for is the option where she opts out of YOU. Just move on.

25. Brilliant all around. I have to say, though, I was surprised at how brief your response was to NC. I kind of wish she had called the podcast instead, so that you would’ve allowed yourself to rattle on a bit in response.

26. I had a friend that got married based on the fact a GF told him she was pregnant. A month after the marraige, she had a miscarriage and they soon divorced.
    My first reaction to hearing the story was of course to ask: How do you know she WAS pregnant, and how did you know she miscarried? Of course the idiot said she told him…
    I think that was the beginning of the end of the friendship when he saw I looked at him the same way I would look at a mongoloid child

27. Not sure why they’re quickies this week, Dan, but for quickies they’re not bad.

    I thought I was going to groan when you started on pussies are powerful again. But replacing scrotum with ball sack–and transitioning from ball sack to sacky? That was just inspired.

28. White text on a black shirt is not good enough! The column is illustrated with those great Joe Newton drawings and The Stranger has plenty of willing graphic artists around. I demand colourful tees (and overseas shipping).

29. @12/RoseX: I *did* immediately qualify my statement by adding that it was a pretty stupid question, to ask Dan what he thought of vajazzling. 😉

    No, yer not a man-hater. & Dan is on average usually more pro-pussy (in terms of partners of ppl w/ pussies being nice to them) than anti. Just hit me the wrong way last night. “Revolting” is right up there w/ canned ham.

    I notice there’s no male equiv – dick-dazzling, or whatever you’d call it. Hopefully all the vajazzlers out there are taking ’em off before playtime, too. Those wee jewels could go bad places.

30. I’ve got a possible theory on why CAC is losing interest in her boyfriend when he’s not dressed up. Basically, her enjoyment of fucking him like that is based less on the outfit and more on the fact that he’s getting off on it. Which isn’t a bad thing, really. It’s a subtle distinction, like the difference between ‘fear of heights’ and ‘fear of falling.’

31. Hey, no hate for Dan being revolted by pussy in the SAME COLUMN where he came down on the side of pussy power. He appreciates it, he just doesn’t eat it. Sounds good to me. I feel that way about broccoli and kimchi.

32. Great article today Dan!

    @29, I agree. The shirts are lame. Is that the best they can come up with? Why not have some Joe Newton art with a list of Savage Love acronyms? Is there no creative soul at the stranger they can employ to make the Savage tees purchase-worthy?

33. @30: “Pidazzling”

    Simply shave the treasure trail and pubic hair. Then apply rhinestones to form a downward-pointing arrow.
    Sparkles in clubs when light hits the patch.

34. Isn’t it also possible that WDID’s girl cheated on him or was sleeping around with other men while with him and that’s how she got pregnant? It sounds like it was a pretty casual relationship and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she did get pregnant — but that it wasn’t his. Btw, good for him for always using protection!

35. God Dan,

    Why do you have to be such a dick, yes dick, when it comes to ladies’ genitalia. You can dislike it without being so incredibly NASTY about it.

    The one part of your Catholicism that has stayed has been the comfort level you have hating on ladies’ genitalia.

    It reads through the newspaper. We all pick up vibes, and the ugliness you have towards our junk is just like the ugliness people have towards your kinda sex.

    And who in gay hell confuses a pussy with a ball-sack? Next time, skip being cute and just call the dude a sack, if that’s your intention.

36. I know a ton of guys who would dazzle their bits and pieces in a heartbeat.

    Chacun a son gout, as the French say, although it seems totally ridiculous and absurd to me. All one need ever aspire to is clean (as in hygienic, not necessary bare) and tidy (if bare, no stubble or if hairy, trimmed).

    Then again, I also know a guy with a fetish for ultra-hairy… (and yes, he’s one of the same guys who would dazzle his bits and pieces given half a chance.) I know him – I didn’t say it was in the carnal sense!

    Good god.

37. @30: Oh man. I LOVE springing the “canned ham” remark on my boyfriend. He hates it; it’s so fun.

    I like seeing it humourously, because frankly, I don’t find my genitals that interesting. I’m down with my boyfriend appreciating them, but as a straight woman, I’m almost as baffled by their allure as many gay men are.

38. ballsack is a much better euphemistic label for someone acting like that than a pussy…

    thanks again for contributing to the vernacular, dan

39. Re: the planned parenthood stat. The 2% pregnancy rate cited for condoms is over the course of an entire year. Couple in question only dated for four months, so their supposed pregnancy rate would be lower – probably about two thirds of a percentage point.

40. Those t-shirts are hideous, Dan – I wanted to want to buy one when I clicked on the link, but no way! Who “designed” those?!

    How about putting a handful of those little cartoons (like the one above) on the fronts of t-shirts with the SL link (in small print, please!) on the back? Or at least coming up with a design that your listeners will actually want to wear.

41. CTOAC – don’t forget two important steps to recovery: Deleter her phone number from your phone and her email address from your contacts. If you want, write them down, put them in a ziploc and freeze em in a tupperware of ice (so if you ever do want them you at least have to wait for the ice to melt – also works well with credit cards).

    Cause it sounds like if someone put about 5 shots of tequila in you you would be drunk dialing and drunk emailing and crying. Protect yourself from yourself.

42. You know, the scrotum itself is actually pretty tough. It’s the cargo inside that’s all tender and sensitive.

    So don’t dump on the sack any more, Dan. The balls are the weak ones.

43. Dan, this is the most deleted comments I have seen in years. Which letter provoked all that? As far as bedazzling, I like it a lot more than tattooing. The little swarovskies can be painful, but you can take them off and let the hair grow back. A tattoo on your tender parts 1) hurts like hell, I’m told and 2) can’t be used until it is healed 3)requires constant shaving to be fully appreciated and 4) is permanent …and all I can think of is what it’ll look like after 40 years of stretching and bending, and even weight gain…BLECCH!

44. Some women are just plain desperate to keep man’s attention. I had a girl try to pull “I got pregnant and had an abortion several months ago and didn’t tell you, but now you owe me”. She told me this shortly after I explained to her that I was dating someone else and wasn’t interested (this happened months after we stopped having sex). I didn’t believe her, but even if it was true.. I guess I knew my sperm was OK, but it’s not like I owe her anything. No baby? No proof? Bye Bye.

45. I don’t buy T-shirts with slogans on them, so I’m a hard sell.

    But I remember having been seriously tempted, once, to buy an awesome T-shirt. I was hoping to be similarly tempted by the new SL T-shirts. The slogans have potential, but I’d be surprised if they can carry the day on their own.

46. Have to agree with all the other t-shirt haters. I wouldn’t mind advertising Savage Love on a t-shirt, but holy shit, those are ugly shirts. For starters, you might want to get a girl-fit shirt for the women- a slightly fitted shirt with cap sleeves looks good on most women. Next, the graphics- I’m sure there are at least a half a million art students out there who would be more than willing to do the graphics for free if you give them a plug (or even a link) on your site. Ok and finally, can you do at least one or two other colors- Maybe grey and one other color as well? You will sell more if they look good! Thanks.

47. Yeah, I also find it offensive when gay men talk about how gross — or in this case, “revolting” — they find vagina. When people call them gross, they cry homophobe. The thing is, a lot of WOMEN feel ashamed or grossed out by how their own vaginas look, for no other reason than a lot of negative reinforcement. A vagina is a part of the human body possessed by over half the global population, and the human body isn’t anything to be revolted by. I just think it’s a really juvenile attitude to take, whether you’re gay or straight.

48. I would only be offended that Dan called my ladyparts “revolting” if I’d offered them to him (imagining his face, as I lifted my skirt like can can girl, makes me giggle. Is there a fetish for straight girls grossing out gay boys?).
    That a gay man, even one who gives stellar sex advice to all kindsa folks, would be asked his opinion about fancy-fying ladyparts is hilarious… and he took the opportunity to make a joke. Which I, as a proud owner of ladyparts, thought was funny.
    Now all you fucking whiners need to shut the fuck up and quit telling people what they should and shouldn’t say. No wonder people think feminists are humorless. Sweet Jebus.

49. The crossdressing letter really made me laugh. “Oh noes! My boyfriend has a fetish and it gets me hot too!” Funny how some people will try to make a problem out of anything. Let things go wrong before you start to worry – life’s too short for inventing problems that *might* happen down the road.

50. Why did my comment get deleted? I’ll post it again:

    I also find it offensive when gay men talk about how gross — or in this case, “revolting” — they find vaginas. When anyone calls gay peopme gross they call homophobe. The thing is, a lot of WOMEN feel grossed out and ashamed of how their vaginas look for no other reason than a lot of negative reinforcement. A vagina is part of the human body that over half the population of the world possesses, and the human body is nothing to be grossed out or revolted by. I just think it’s a really juvenile attitude to take whether you’re gay or straight.

51. Sorry, uploading was just really laggy.

52. BTW, I went to the Vjazzle site to see what was up with that… Kathy Griffith getting it done poolside? Sheesh. Anyway, it’s really done near the top of the panty line. It’s more tummy dazzling. No more shocking (or classy) than a tramp stamp. I’m thinking the 15 minutes are almost over…next!

53. @49 I wasn’t whining, I was just pointing out the hypocrisy of it. Would a gay person who got offended by someone “joking” about how revolting and gross they think gay sex is be considered “humourless”? I don’t think being offended by having your body called revolting is a feminist thing. I think it’s pretty universal.

54. @12:

    Nobody expects Dan to find pussy sexy. But when he consistently goes out of the way to announce to his readers that he thinks pussy is EEEEWWW, GROSS (with a few exclamation points and some fake-gagging sounds thrown in for good measure), he kind of looks like a jerk. And Dan was clearly using VAG’s (admittedly ill-advised) letter as an anti-vag platform; there was nothing else of substance in his response.

    C’mon, Dan — this “I hate pussy” schtick is tired. Nobody’s going to break into your house and redecorate it with Georgia O’Keefe paintings if you stop reminding us that pussy gives you the heebie-jeebies. Next time you have a few extra lines to kill, just print a letter from a dog-fucker or something.

    @24:

    Good on you for being yourself. The world needs more people who dress the way they want to dress, however unconventional it may be. I’m a woman, and I’ve always felt deeply uncomfortable in skirts and dresses. Most of the time, this isn’t an issue, but every so often I’m expected to dress “like a lady,” which exasperates me to no end. I’ve reached the point where I say “to hell with it.” If you won’t have me at your wedding/Bar Mitvah/party/whatever in a formal suit instead of a dress, then clearly I don’t belong there in the first place.

55. Sacky, sacky, sacky! Love it, Dan. Such a nice pro-pussy letter, agitating against calling those sacky people ‘pussies.’ And then you get called anti-woman, shame.

56. @48 AND 51
    Amanda, if you’re this easily offended, you’re in for a lifetime of insult and outrage. Sounds like fun.

    Why not focus on the millions of straight men who really really LIKE vaginas? Dan was asked his opinion, and he gave it (hilariously, as usual). Are you asking him not to be honest?

    Why do you give a shit that a gay man doesn’t want to be near vaginas? I just don’t get it.

57. @54
    Amanda, you WERE whining. And calling Dan a hypocrite is hypocritical. First, you assume that HE takes offense at straight people being grossed out by gay sex. How do you know that? I’ll bet if he asked someone their opinion, he’d accept their answer without telling them how wrong they were for having that opinion. Remember, Dan was ASKED.

    I think you’re mistaking tolerance for advocacy. We all just need to put up with each other’s right to have diffferent opinions.

    And just because some gay man is grossed out by pussy doesn’t make me feel bad about mine. Do you really let other people’s comments affect your self worth? That whole… “women feel bad enough about themselves” argument just makes me want to hurl. Knock it off.

58. ggg,

    I’m actually not assuming he takes offense at straight people being grossed out by gay sex. He’s *illustrated* that he takes offense to this by crusading against it — most recently, remember his tirade against Nancy Elliot’s characterization of gay sex as gross?

    If someone asked me my opinion about gay sex and I thought it was absolutely disgusting — which I don’t — I’d just say it’s not for me, I wouldn’t rant about how gross and revolting I think it is because I have a bit more sensitivity than that. I wouldn’t tell a person his body is gross just because I don’t personally find his body physically attractive. It’s just gauche. Nobody appreciates being told that his or her body is revolting. Dan can’t help being gay and I can’t help that I was born with a vagina, so why should either of us be condemned as gross?

59. Lesbians of America, as a man, I am deeply offended! Some of you find male genitalia disgusting. Some of you are even willing to say so publicly! Please, lesbians, reassure me, a man you have no particular personal connection to, that my penis is beautiful. I can’t sleep comfortably at night.

60. the vajazzling reminds me of cracked.com’s clitter. Its so sad that a product like that actually exists

    http://www.cracked.com/video_16077_clitt…
    Too

61. “I also find it offensive when gay men talk about how gross…they find vaginas…a lot of WOMEN feel grossed out and ashamed of how their vaginas look for no other reason than a lot of negative reinforcement.”

    Playing the good ol’ victim card to it’s fullest.

    I’ve heard a lot of lesbians, newly single and scorn straight women talk about how disgusted they are by the penis…but for some reason I’ve never heard of men feeling ashamed of their man-rig or offended that there are some that don’t like all things phallic.

62. Gee @16, I thought commenting on the column was the purpose of this forum. I certainly prefer that type of comment to yours, which complains about someone giving their personal opinion on a blog (oh, the horror), and then poses a question that has nothing to do with the column, and that Dan will probably never read, in order to demonstrate some insider knowledge which marks you as one of the cool kids on the bus.

63. I don’t care if on a personal level he thinks ladyparts are revolting but really a SEX COLUMNIST shouldn’t go on about how gross he thinks your genitals are. Minimum job qualification stuff.

    I still like his column and I value his political stances but yeah, he could write neutrally instead of being hateful or graphically insulting.

64. There seems to be a strange conflation here between “not sexually attracted to” and “revolted by” occurring here.

    Yes, Dan, as a gay man, is obviously not sexually attracted female genitalia, but he seems to go out of his way to emphasize that point, given the slightest chance. That’s is at least what is bothersome to me: for somone who claims to promote a relatively sex-positive enviroment, he seems to be awfully negative about half the world’s genitalia.

    While I understand that his dislike of vaginas is personal taste, I think that it might behoove him to consider how negative he sounds when he expresses revulsion for them.

65. It’s true, there are not a lot of people out there talking about how esthetically pleasing the cock and ball set is, either. And it isn’t just lesbians thinking that; me and my girlfriends have sat around laughing over drinks about the irony of being so completely enamored and entranced about something as visually silly/ugly as a man’s junk. It’s wobbly, lumpy, veiny and hairy and god have mercy, you just can’t stay away from it. I’m a straight female, and find female genitals a bit… well, let’s just say they don’t appeal. I don’t think they’re dirty, or nasty or shameful. Nor do I feel that way about my pancreas. I don’t want to have to look at it while I’m eating dinner. And my pancreas isn’t as much fun to share with close friends.
    But both versions of standard-issue genitalia are fairly strange-looking, in my opinion; whether you find them strange/gag/Eww, or find them strange/compelling/in your mouth is one life’s coy little hints about your orientation.
    So, apparently, based on his reaction to lady bits, Dan’s queer.
    Who knew?

66. http://christwire.org/2010/03/vajazzling…

    get an opinion Dan, quick!

67. Agreed, 64. I’ve just noticed some gay guys seem to think it’s just cute to joke about how disgusting they think vaginas are, and it comes off as a bit misogynistic in my opinion. One gay friend’s description of vag — “It’s like God just started slashing” — or another friend’s joking explanation of how he came out of the closet — “I came out of my mother’s vagina holding my nose, and that’s how they knew I was gay” — seem really harsh to me, as does Dan’s joke. Just because you’re a gay guy who doesn’t want to fuck pussy, it doesn’t give you impunity to insult women’s bodies without anyone being offended or hurt. I’m sure gay guys don’t want their bodies or what they do with their bodies labeled revolting or gross, so why do it to women?

68. You know, the other thing that seems to have escaped most of the posters here (and perhaps the maner of the “vajazzling” is that it is not the vagaina itself that is being decorated; it is the pudenda.

    The point is that, while the practice is of course meant to draw attention to the pundenda and hint at the vagina, Dan’s comment is a bit out of place, because he stated an revulsion towards vagina, which is in fact not decorated in vajazzling.

69. #64, EXACTLY. And right, because I’m sure the men here calling us humorless bitches would just be cracking up at a female sex columnist repeatedly calling their genitalia revolting, and they wouldn’t respond to that shit at all.

70. If you think that it’s “hateful” that a gay man merely states his personal distaste for female genitalia – and seriously, that really is all he did! He didn’t universalize it or anything! – then your threshold for “hateful” really is comically low.

    Why would you be so invested in Dan Savage pretending that he might personally find your vagina beautiful? Am I to be horrified about the fact that there exist women who find penises gross and funny-looking? And if I were to complain about a woman saying she found penises gross and funny-looking, how would it _not_ sound completely whiny and ridiculous, as though I expected the whole world to gently tiptoe around my personal body image issues?

71. @20. I love you.

72. @59
    Amanda, Nancy Elliot’s tirade is a bit different. She’s a politician trying to pass anti-gay legislation that affect their civil rights. And, BTW, no one asked her to describe her strange and misguided version of gay sex (like she would fucking know). Dan WAS asked for his opinion (which did not affect your civil liberties, but I guess it hurt your feelings).

    Dan did not say vaginas are revolting. He said HE was revolted by them. Not everyone has to love your vagina. Hopefully the folks you hop in bed with do. There are people in the world who don’t want to see your twat. Deal with it.

    That said, I think Dan’s stance has been decidedly pro twat, pro cock and pro oral sex for all sexes (how many times have you heard him tell a gal who lamented not gettin cunnilingus t to DTMFA? He says hetero men should be licking their lady’s labia enthusiastically… if that ain’t pro-twat I don’t know what is). I don’t think he should back down from this humorous remark, as people are asking him to. He was simply noting the irony that he was asked at all.

    Without his honesty and wit, Dan wouldn’t be worth reading. Which is why I wish you babies would STFU and quit telling him what he shouldn’t be allowed to say in his column. The last thing we need is another PC columnist.

73. #70, I was the one saying feminists already have a rep for being humorless (at least I started it). And I’m a gal.

74. Ball sack!! I love it!!
    Ha ha ha ha ha!!

75. @73

    For the record, I was never insisting that everyone has to be sexually attracted to vaginas, OR telling Savage what he should or shouldn’t say. I was just stating my opinion about something. Just like Dan is allowed to say he thinks vaginas are revolting, other people are allowed to have an opinion about it.

76. I was totally amused and could have taken the vagina joke in stride, but it didn’t sit well, I guess, because it was easily toppled over when heading into the comments. I started reading with an “oh please” sort of attitude, and came out of it thinking, well, shit, I’d probably be pretty conscious of it if I ever met Dan. I would be crossing my legs thinking, he’d rather look at dead things than think about what’s under my skirt.

    Thankfully, I was reminded of the fact that I don’t need everyone to love my parts any more than I need everyone to appreciate my haircut. It’s just nice when someone does, and when someone doesn’t I do a mental “fu” and keep on walking. Dan’s just honest, like when I make a gaggy face at a plate of fish and my parents get bummed out and say I’m being disrespectful. Damn right it’s disrespectful, but my soulmate will let my gaggy faces slide and eat his fish anyway.

77. To echizen_kurage @ 55

    I’m the cross dresser @ 24. Thanks for your support. I will have no problem having you at my wedding wearing a formal suit…. Hopefully I’ll be the one wearing an elegant wedding gown 🙂

78. I Fcking love you Mr. Savage. I read you from Chile every week.

    I wanna congratulate you for that awesome term you used: “ball sack”. It actually has a chillean (not really spanish ’cause not every spanish speaker understand it) “literal” translation: saco’eweas. I really suggest you: go out and ask a chilean what does “saco’eweas” mean WIDELY, it’s one the most beautiful chilean words.

    Off course, i don’t agree with you, as i do mostly. I don’t think it’s bad to be a little selfish and do what you tell him to do, but i also think it’s not bad to be a little, not insanely, naive and caring, even for people who you don’t give a fuck. It’s one of the good things this atheist thinks are good from christianism (theorically xD).

79. Re: The male version of vajazzling (too lazy to scroll back and fine the #) if you head over to Em & Lo, they had a discussion about this awhile back, and the term selected was “gonazzling.” Which would, if you think about it, perhaps give “sacky” that extra zing to help him rediscover his lost cojones.
    http://www.emandlo.com/2010/03/wise-guys…
    @68
    “One gay friend’s description of vag — “It’s like God just started slashing” — or another friend’s joking explanation of how he came out of the closet — “I came out of my mother’s vagina holding my nose, and that’s how they knew I was gay”
    Okay, that is just fecking hilarious, even funnier than Dan’s “ham dropped from a great height.” …and yes, I do happen to be the owner of a canned ham…

80. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to be a woman. Tonight is one of those times. And no, it’s not because Dan thinks my pussy is revolting…it’s because of the Pussy Power Brigade taking offense to stupid things.

    Dan isn’t supposed to like pussy. If Dan liked pussy, Dan wouldn’t be the Dan we know and love. But, a mere FEW PARAGRAPHS above his personal opinion about the vag, he talked about what a powerful, life-giving thing it is (and referred to it before ball-sack, Emalie, because pussy is a widely-used term for “spineless, lily-livered yellow-belly”…as if you didn’t already know that).

    I’m sorry some women hate their pussies…I’m not exactly fond of mine, personally, except for that it gives me extraordinary pleasure and has magically delivered two gigantic offspring and managed to recover to again deliver previously-mentioned pleasure…but I’m not going to wear a die-cast model of it around my neck or anything. But Jesus, if anybody hates their pussy, it sure as shit isn’t because they read Savage Love. Savage Love makes me love my pussy WAY more than I used to…even if Dan would wretch at the thought of partaking in this particular delicacy.

81. (Also? Dan doesn’t pull fucking punches. Ever. He called a writer “sacky.” This column is as much about entertainment as it is about sex advice, so asking him to act “neutral” like a therapist is morally obligated to do is nonsensical.)

82. Yeah! What krista1203 said!

83. No Cocks: I’m a married woman in my 40s who has lately admitted that I hate being penetrated by a dick. I love sucking a dick and love having a dildo in me. I also love having sex with a man—as long as he is not penetrating me with his own personal cock.

    How interesting. I wonder why she has that revulsion for feeling a real cock inside of her. She says “lately admitted” so was it something she always hated but put up with before now, or has she just changed her mind? I’m sure she’ll be able to find a man who’s compatible with what she wants, but I’d certainly never be interested in a woman like her.

84. Dan: I’m simply too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor.

    I’m straight and have no desire to suck or touch another man’s cock, yet I don’t find cocks revolting because I have one (and, while it may not be an artistic masterpiece, I’m rather fond of it.)

    But I can understand why a gay man like Dan might be revolted by pussy, because not only doesn’t he want to touch or taste one, but he doesn’t have one. I would think it quite rare to be revolted by something that’s part of you.

85. Okay, Dan. So what about penazzling? That would be only one of several potential names listed in the article for male vdazzling, or whatever it is.

    http://theberry.com/2010/04/13/jennifer-…

    It saddens me that this idiocy may spread.

86. krista1203,

    So first I have to read about Dan calling vaginas revolting, and now you’re making fun of the die-cast model of my vagina that I wear around my neck? Today’s been rough …

    Sorry you feel embarrassed to be a woman. I’m sure nobody would mind if you just quit.

87. God I hate people… Ladies, Dan’s not being “just” honest or joking around. He’s not compelled to post every detail of his personal life, but he wants us to know that he thinks women are super super disgusting, because it’s fun for him. Undersexed straight guys, any guy who’s screwed over by the system–who can they feel superior to? Who can they kick around and still have the victim giggle politely at the insult? Women, of course. If nothing else, our hairy vaginas sure are weird and different, lulz!

    Insulting women and our anatomy an even more awesome revenge outlet for gay guys, who take more crap than most males yet have far fewer reasons to care whether women think they’re complete douche nozzles. So it makes perfect sense that: anti-gay-sex politician “expresses her opinion” that gay sex is gross, which is an easy “yucky” target for her socially acceptable moralizing, and Dan turns around and slams the easiest target available to *him.* It’s far more satisfying to find someone else to crap on than to limit yourself to “whining.” It’s not like straight guys will ride to our rescue: a lot of the homophobes and other dudes still think of ladybits as frequently-disgusting pleasure sleeves.

    If you haven’t noticed, ggg and krista, Dan IS kind of a douchebag–and I say that as someone who continues to read his column every week anyway. Just accept that it’s part of his shtick, get over it, and stop kidding yourselves that Dan’s NOT being deliberately offensive.

    I’m kinda surprised you didn’t catch the sarcasm in the bit about pussies being powerful, btw, krista. I thought it was pretty funny, personally, because he was clearly making fun of people who are oversensitive about people not worshiping pussy with every breath, coming from a gay guy who, DUH, doesn’t like pussy. Yet I’m not enough of a pansy/pussy/ballsack/whatthefuckever to sit here and giggle that Dan didn’t mean anything by it when he mentioned being “revolted” by pussy at the end of the article. You don’t have to be a crying baby demanding an apology to see what’s right in front of your goddamned face.

    Fuck political correctness, and double fuck all you flippant females who think the right response to excessive PCness is to just lay down and be a doormat for people who are trying to screw with you.

88. #12, I hope for your sake you don’t live in TrukNutz country!

89. CTOAC:

    She wronged you in so many ways, but she can’t live with being the “bad one”. So after she breaks up with you; excuse me, unceremoniously dumps you she doesn’t bother to change her email password, so that you would be able to “hack” (a word I’m sure she used) into her account. (How’s that for a run on sentence?)

    Anyone with the sense God gave a goose would know that you were eventually going to try to figure out WTF happened. So all she had to do was bide her time and wait for you to do exactly what you did.

    Now she has just what she wanted. She is able to cast you in the light of the bad guy and she is the wronged party. What a passive aggressive POS.

    You are well rid of her. Just be grateful that this happened before you had the misfortune to have children with her and allowed her to pass her psychosis onto them.

90. @90: It always amazes me when people construct devious explanations for things like that. It’s much more likely that she just didn’t think to change the email password, or didn’t realize he had it. Not everyone sits around plotting detailed plans that require events to occur in a certain way, like in a bad spy movie or soap opera.

91. Dan, you make the best analogies. Your ballsack adjectives and steakhouse metaphor had me stifling giggles. And about “ballsack” as a replacement for “pussy” as a derogatory term – I’m always pleased when you flip female-negative language. It’s funny and clever, and I’ve started quoting you to the confusion of my friends. “Ovary up” is my favorite.

    Great advice as always.

92. @88

    That’s pretty much how it came across to me too. And yes, he was ASKED about his opinion — not on vaginas, mind you, but on vaggazling — just as he’s ASKED many questions by the thousands of people writing him letters and emails every week. And he carefully selected this question out of MANY questions, and rather than taking it in any number of other directions that wouldn’t involve trashing women’s bodies — like the possible motives of anyone who glues little jewels to that area, the practical concerns, the celebrity component of this odd trend — he used it as an opportunity to joke about how revolting he finds vaginas. To me, it read as a bit abrasive and gratuitous.

93. You know what makes me feel really good about myself? The fact that even though I have some huge self-image issues, at least they are in no way affected but what a gay man thinks about vagina.

    @7 I don’t see the problem. Ever had a friend fall for someone who utterly repulsed you? And yet he was so perfect for your friend that you encouraged her to do her best to keep him? Same thing, Dan thinks that vagina is hideous but he knows it’s perfect for some people so he encourages them to do their best to keep it happy. The difference is that the entertainment value of this column is that Dan’s an honest asshole while giving great advice.

    @54 Being disgusted by vagina isn’t comparable to being disgusted by gay sex because one is a body part while the other is a sex act. You can compare vagina to penis and gay sex to straight sex but comparing vagina to gay sex is simply a failure of logic.

94. Wow–I agree that the girl in WDID might have been trying to manipulate the guy, but “your emotional obligation to her ended when the relationship did”? Miscarriages are hard, abortions are hard–a decent human being can make some emotional space for a ex who has had to go through one and needs someone to talk to. Some women don’t have many other people to confide in. There’s a line between being supportive and being chained to an ex, but I think reasonable people should be able to find it. Not suggesting the advice for this particular guy was bad, but if that “emotional obligation” bit is a rule, it’s a shitty rule.

95. Geez, Dan: “revolted?” There’s an enormous difference between “not interested” and “revolted.” I am not interested in sex with women, but I don’t find the thought revolting. Sex between two men has got nothing for me, either, but I certainly wouldn’t call it revolting. Given your chosen profession, you might wanna either get over your irrational response, or learn to shut up about it.

96. Sorry, still don’t think it’s offensive, and I’m not “lying down” and taking anything, because I *don’t* think it’s offensive for someone to find a pussy, or all pussies, revolting.

    Anybody who hasn’t found their OWN body at least remotely revolting in one way, shape or form is deluded. Bodies do LOTS of gross things. They might at the same time be revolting, miraculous, wondrous, pleasurable things, but that doesn’t stop them from being revolting in addition to the nice things they are.

    Shitting the bed when I had a baby? Totally normal, totally natural, and totally revolting. It didn’t make me feel shame for what my body did or shame for what my body is – that’s what bodies DO, and that’s what bodies ARE. But it still made me gag. To say that I can’t find something about my body at the same time natural, normal, even impressive, and also completely disgusting is denying the complexity and wonder of the human body. And saying I must loathe being a woman just because I don’t worship the appearance of my labias and find the regular discharge from my vagoo to be an unfortunate side effect of being female is doing a disservice to my ability to find my body both totally gross AND amazing.

97. I understand the statistics on condoms failing are based on lots of research/studies and math but for the last 8 years I’ve been only using condoms with my husband without any issues. That’s (conservatively)2.25 times a week for 8 years = 936 condoms, not even one scare.

98. I had much the same problem as CTOAC. I found out my BF of 4 years was cheating on me. He went away for a long weekend “to his parents” but was really in another city with a guy he met online. I found out only because he wouldn’t take my calls so I called his mom who, of course, said he wasn’t there. I immediately looked in his computer and found not only this one but several emails from other guys. He called 10 minutes later and admitted he was out of town and said he’d explain when he got back. He explained that he fucked up and told me all about his gayromeo profile, who the guy was etc but showed zero remorse. I kicked him out. Now I’m having regrets for not trying to work it out. He’s trying to get back with apologies and excuses for why he did what he did. He says the guy (he doesn’t know I know about the others) is just a friend and nothing more but the emails and other Skype chat history is laced with xoxox’s. Nothing sexual except one where they were going to gourmet burgers one night and BF said “I know how much you like good meat” – with a 🙂 added. I’m totally confused now. I love him and thought that I really found my soulmate. I’m not sure anymore and wonder if he was with me because, in part, I was supporting him. I have a much better job and can financially take care of both of us. He’s out paying his own rent and expenses and I wonder now if he’s seeing that he had it good and wants back. Any thoughts are appreciated!

99. Wow. Dan, did you just say that you find vaginas revolting? Nice attitude for a sex advice columnist. Or for any human being, for that matter.

100. I can’t belive Dan was so insensitive to the woman’s plight in No Cocks! Has he never heard of Vaginismus? Yes it’s hard to be the man in this situation but also difficult for the woman involved. Have a heart Dan!

101. @99: Your instincts sound right to me. Do NOT field any more of his calls or emails (or whatever). Ignore him.

102. Yeah, the T-shirts suck. The artist who did the beautiful illustrations for the “How to kill a pit bull with your bare hands” or whatever article could probably draw something worth wearing or a Joe Newton illo would be rad. The lame “Frankie goes to Hollywood” typeset lettering is WEAK!
     Back to the letters- good as always. Dan kicks ass. “Sacky”, indeed..

103. What Krista1203 said.
     What #97.
     ‘zackly.
     And you know, #88? I can’t find the place in the column where Dan says women are super, super disgusting… You feel he consistently implies that, I surely don’t. Everybody interprets things differently, but you really put a nasty vibe into your interpretations. I also have been reading here for years, and I really like being a woman, and don’t feel that means I have to adore and/or bronze every aspect and function of my body. I am a woman. I have a pussy. This is not the same as “I am my pussy”.
     I don’t need Dan to “validate” my pussy any more than he needs straight women to gather and worship his cock.
     And I don’t think any of that means that Dan thinks “women are super, super disgusting”.
     (Oh, ferfucksake…)

104. mmw1 #95: I agree with your sentiments in principle, but I think expecting him to pay for ongoing therapy falls on the “chained-to-the-ex” side of the line.

     That is particularly true in this case. Too much of this story smells of her trying to use a pregnancy to keep him around. Personally, I doubt that she fabricated the whole story, but a period after five weeks instead of four could easily be mistaken for a miscarriage by someone who wanted to believe it. I could even imagine her trying to get pregnant during the end days of the relationship, hoping for a baby to hold things together, and whether it was a miscarriage or a late period, she was disappointed the same.

     At any rate, a) asking him to pay for the therapist is excessive; and b) she needs to let go, and keeping him around paying for the therapy won’t do that.

105. “Fuck political correctness, and double fuck all you flippant females who think the right response to excessive PCness is to just lay down and be a doormat for people who are trying to screw with you.”

     That was awesome. I totally agree with you, #88, about everything.

106. Vajazzling? Good lord – I’m so straight lasers use me for calibration and I find hot-glue-jeweled pussy disgusting. It would be like seeing hot-glue-jeweled rectums on gay men I suppose (which is likely to turn up any day) – is there no end to profitable narcissism?

107. You’re right on about WDID, Dan.

     Until recently, I (as a gay dude) had no fucking clue how often women used made-up pregnancies and subsequent phantom miscarriages as ways to get attention, or to manipulate others.

     Yes, I know I was naive. But what do I know about pussy? Nada.

     Ladies, if you’re gonna pull that shit, or if you know someone who’s thinking about it, take some advice. Don’t. It’ll damage or destroy just about every relationship in your life, and deservedly fucking so. You’ll also just end up perpetuating misogynistic bullshit by living down to the very stereotypes that decent, honest women have been fighting against for the last hundred years.

     Jesus H. Christ, if you’re so emotionally fucked up that you have to pull a stunt like that, just fucking take a Xanax like everybody else.

108. I think it’s hilarious that the “well, people think gay sex is gross, you hypocrite” saw is being thrown around like it means something. There’s a delightful dissonance to that argument.

     He argues aesthetics, you argue social perceptions. Nobody is saying, “well, you can’t have that legal right, your vagina is gross”. Gauge your argument a little better.

     I mean, fine, he doesn’t like your vagina, oh boohoo. There’s reams of letters he gets all the time that basically say uncircumcised penises are gross or awesome, fat guys are hot or ugs, etcetera.

     It’s appropriate for a sex writer to explain their own personal aesthetic and sexual tastes when their column takes a decidedly unscientific slant to it, especially one peppered with a lot of humor.

     Being offended that he thinks your vagina is gross is stupid.

109. Dude. I am a bisexual woman and my husband is a straight man. We both find vagina pretty unattractive. We love it, mostly, for what it can do. You can make girls moan, and do other fun things.

     As such, we like the vagina, but it’s not the most attractive organ. It’s all pink and wrinkly. Like a hairless cat. It’s an amazing organ and it can do amazing things, but–like a spleen–it’s not pretty.

     I can imagine someone who has no interest in what a vagina can do would find it repulsive. It’s only natural.

110. I am still a bit confused as to how “not attracted to” equates with “disgusted by”.

     For instance, I have never really cared for the taste of vital wheat gluten products, so I tend not to consume them. Does that mean that I am disgusted by them? No. Does that mean that I often (if ever) take the opprotunity to menation that I am disgusted by them? Most certianly not.

     I just don’t see the reason why people who are not sexually attracted to member of the opposite sex seem to be disgusted by the genitalia there of. Yes, they prefer not to interact with it, but since when does a preference for non-interaction necessitate a profession of visceral revulsion?

111. Man, why *wouldn’t* No Cocks be looking to start a support group?

     I sometimes do and sometimes don’t (luckily, my partner and I are poly), but if I were monogamously married to a man and didn’t like it, I’d want therapy. I know Dan’s take is typically “shame on you for not revealing your sexual hangups before getting serious!” but there is so much pressure for women to fuck men even if they don’t really like it, I think the situation is a lot more nuanced than that.

112. I was also disappointed by Dan’s choice of the word “revolting” to describe a woman’s vagina. His whole pussy/scrotum thing is so contrived, too. I am not the PC Police, or feminazi or any of those degrading terms that people like to use when women assert themselves and stand up for themselves. I enjoy Dan’s column and podcast every week, but he needs to cut out this degrading language when referring to female genitalia.

113. Again, out of all the people who’ve posted saying they find Dan’s joke about vaginas being gross offensive, none of them have insisted he should be validating, worshiping, adoring, wanting to fuck, or “bronze”, vaginas. We just think it’s a bit douchey that he’d go out of his way to insult women’s genitals and call them revolting. There’s a massive chasm between calling something revolting and bowing down to worship it. Then again, maybe we’re all just deluded, whiny, humourless feminists.

     And the people claiming its somehow less valid to be disgusted by the idea of homosexual sex than it is to be revolted by women’s vaginas are a real laugh too.

114. I don’t think he “went out of his way” at all…he was explaining why he couldn’t answer the direct question given to him with a humorous simile.

     I’m a feminist, too. It has nothing to do with expecting people to have reverential – or even respectful – views of any parts of my body. I don’t care if every man on this planet finds my pussy revolting, nor if he tells me so, so long as he would be as candid and “douchey” with a man.

     And, Dan would be equally as douchey to a man. Dan is often equally douchey to men.

     So. What.

     It’s pretty clear it is NOT just about Dan making a douchey comment. If it was, your comments would also have been filled with disdain at Dan’s douchey comments to the woman who hates dick in her pussy, or his douchey comments to the guy pining for his cheating ex, or his douchey comments to the guy with the emotional vampire ex. I don’t know how anybody who reads Savage Love could be complaining about a douchey comment because it’s practically half of the entertainment value of his material.

     Amusing when it’s everybody else’s neuroses being picked at, notsomuch when it hits close to home, eh?

115. First time I’ve ever seen this level of b.s. from Dan Savage. Don’t his readers deserve better? I mean, we all get that you’re gay, but this advice to women (and men) is just hateful. Any woman who has ever even KNOWN someone who lost a baby would know how horrible it is, and how much a person goes through. Why the hell would someone lie about that and by the way, it’s pretty easy to find out! The automatic assumption that she’s lying, and this tool assuming that she would have wanted a damn abortion, it all makes me sick. I’m so tired of men thinking, oh, she’ll just murder her baby and we’ll just be happy and everything will be fine. And typical man, thinking only of the husband when a woman expresses genuine curiosity. Better shut down our sexuality, there would be more ass for you if we didn’t exist.

     I mean, come on? You write an advice column. Rather than waxing moronic about how girls have cooties, why not give some real advice?

116. @ planned parenthood stat comment. Oh. M. F. G. Two percent….you know…TWO out of ONE HUNDRED? So two times out of every one hundred times, not every year. mmmmkaaay? Am I typin slow enough?

     Course that would be for one couple. I’d have to see the empirical data, I mean how did they do this study that they probably didn’t do? 100 people for 365 days, two pregnancies? (which wouldn’t actually be 2% would it)? Were all variations on the theme considered. It says proper use, are these lab-controlled circumstances?

     In my thirty years, I’ve heard of the condom getting stuck in the vagina, condoms breaking, rolling off because the guy was too big, sliding off because the guy was too small, snapping because the guy was too thick, being slipped off because the guy was an asshole, getting stuck because the girl was too tight or too dry, but I have never seen a girl lie about a miscarriage. Go figure.

     I have held the hands of a few girls who were crying because they had a miscarriage (how do I know? I went to the hospital with her! you arseholes should try it sometime) and some guy didn’t believe them.

     I have sat there with a friend who was having an abortion because she told some loser she was pregnant and he told her to “take care of it”

     AND I’ve been accused of cheating when a guy (my ex husband) found out I was pregnant. I have another friend who was accused of cheating after getting pregnant by a guy who had been fixed. How did he know SHE’S not lying? The paternity test! Ugh.

     But we must all be a bunch of emo, lying sluts who don’t know our ass from our teakettle enough to live our lives without some man directing our every move.

     I am so glad my fiancee is not a big fat walking…..ego. Honestly :S

117. Krista@115 is right – it seems that many of the offended here don’t acknowledge the difference between “revolting” and “I’m revolted by”. At no point did Dan ever suggest his reaction to vagina was some reflection of objective truth. It was not even implied – at least not to anyone who wasn’t specifically looking for that interpretation.

118. I’m a straight girl. I like my vagina and enjoy it (no negative reinforcements here, eh?). Still, it’s not pretty. I won’t pretend it is. I prefer gazing at a nice cock and balls, uncircumcised or not.

     I think that I’m comfortable enough with my canned ham that I don’t have to have a visceral reaction when a gay guy doesn’t like it. There’s nothing wrong with ANYONE stating their opinion, but Dan is being Dan and I don’t know why you guys expect anything else from him. He can be an absolute douchebag, but he’s also very thoughtful, kind, and supportive.

     Gee, it’s enough to make you think Dan is a human with all the virtues and flaws that come along with the package.

119. I don’t understand why so many people get offended when Dan says vaginas are gross to him. As he said, it’s like asking a vegetarian what they think of a steak. I’m a meat eater, my sister is a vegetarian. I like meat, she thinks it’s gross. I know she thinks it’s gross, I don’t ask her what she thinks of meat. She knows I like meat, she doesn’t spontaneously declare that the meat I’m eating is gross. If I asked her something about how a steak was, she would tell me it was gross. Simple.

120. @116/117: “Why the hell would someone lie about [miscarriage] / I have never seen a girl lie about a miscarriage.”

     Well, clearly, if you don’t know why someone would lie about it, and you’ve seen someone lie about, then OBVIOUSLY no one ever would.

     I am well aware of how serious and traumatic a real miscarriage can be – my first wife had two of them. But I can still easily imagine someone – some emotionally disturbed or manipulative person – lying about having one. Maybe she wants attention, maybe she wants to get her boyfriend back, who knows. But it could happen.

     People lie about all kinds of sick shit. Cancer is pretty serious too – I know something about that as well, as my first wife died from it. And guess what? One of our “friends” – an emotionally disturbed and manipulative person – lied about having cancer. Lied before my wife’s diagnosis, through her illness and treatment, and kept right on lying about it after she died. (And, lied about it while her own best friend’s boyfriend went through his own bout of cancer – luckily he survived.)

     My point? There is nothing so sacred or important that some people won’t still lie about it, out of their own dysfunction, their own twisted needs, or their own out and out shittiness. Not saying that’s what happening here, of course, but it is well within the bounds of possibility and Dan is right to say so.

121. I’m confused. I’ve been going through the archives here, and frankly Dan says a *lot* of questionable and offensive things.

     So why the sudden outrage over the “too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor”? It’s certainly not the worst thing he’s ever written in a column.

122. Echoing many of the above posters – There’s a big, big difference between saying “I am grossed out by vaginas” and saying “Vaginas are objectively gross.” Dan has over and over come out strongly in favor of cunnilingus (performed by straight men and lesbians, of course), against douching, against the hangups society has about female sexuality – seriously.

     Hell, just read his first response in this column: “Pussies are powerful; they can take pummeling and spit out a brand-new human being. ” The man’s pro-choice, pro-cunnilingus, pro-equality, pro-female-sexual-empowerment; by any sane person’s definition, he’s a feminist.

     I have to ask if you’re so offended by all the lesbians out there who are personally grossed out by cock. Because I think that’s a totally fair reaction.

     Anyway, as someone who is very pro-pussy – both my own and that of the other lovely ladies out there – I have to say I find vajazzling fucking bizarre. Of course, I also think shaved pussies are kind of odd (and distressingly prepubescent). So maybe I’m just behind the times.

123. Clearly, I struck a nerve (Amanda) when I said that taking offense at Dan’s joke might give ammunition to those who find feminists humorless.
     You said…
     “Would a gay person who got offended by someone “joking” about how revolting and gross they think gay sex is be considered “humourless”?” (If the joke’s funny, then yes they would.)
     ..and…
     “, maybe we’re all just deluded, whiny, humourless feminists.”

     Well, if the foo shits…

     Here’s the deal… a PC world is not particularly funny. Safe, maybe, but not funny. The reason Dan’s comment was okay to me was,
     A) he was asked his opinion, and
     B) it was funny.
     Sometimes, the best humor may make some of us uncomfortable. Like Lenny Bruce. Sarah Silverman. South Park. Because the say the things people “shouldn’t” say.

     Why am I, a feminist with an actual vagina, not offended by Dan’s repulsion of actual vaginas? Because I don’t care. I probably wasn’t going to date him anyway (sorry, Dan). But mostly, I guess I think it’s okay for people (even a sex columnist) to express opinions–even unpopular ones. Cause I can always stop reading what I don’t like. First Amendment, baby!

124. @124 Amen! Why would Dan’s opinion on lady parts matter anyway? If your doctor and sexual partners haven’t got an issue, then no amount of canned ham comments should really bother you. Unless, you know, he’s posting leaflets through your door. That would get annoying. (And would be grounds for a court case, I’d imagine.)

     But that’s just me.

125. ggg,

     I don’t wish I lived in a PC world. Like I said in my original post, I’ve noticed that joking about how gross vaginas are seems to be a running theme with gay men I know or have encountered. I’m very secure with my own vagina, but something about this topic struck a chord with me, so I decided to post my view. Among the very un-PC comedians you list, even someone like Sarah Silverman has said she draws the line at making fat jokes about women because, by her assessment, we live in a country where women already receive way too much criticism about their weight. It’s not really a matter of PC or un-PC. Sometimes you hear a joke that just seems a bit easy and kind of mean instead of funny. That’s how Dan’s joked registered with me, but you have every right to think it’s funny. To each their own.

126. I’m a vegetarian and sometimes vegan. Gotta say Dan, sometimes a steakhouse is the best option for folks like us, because they always have stuff like baked potatoes, sweet potatoes, veggies, fruit, salads. If I have to go out to dinner with meat-eaters, I’d much rather go to Longhorn than to Fridays or Ruby Tuesday (where everything has grilled chicken or bacon in it).
     But still, I respect Dan’s personal revulsion toward vaginas. I won’t offer to show him mine. I think all penises are kind of gross, unless it happens to be the one that I am about to make use of.
     It’s Savage Love, for Pete’s sake! If you don’t want to be offended, go read Abby.

127. @123

     (Of course, I also think shaved pussies are kind of odd (and distressingly prepubescent). So maybe I’m just behind the times. )

     Finally, someone who agrees with me on this. Why are people so afraid of hair down there? Are we afraid someone might confuse us with mammals?

128. Sorry, but if someone finds a part of the human anatomy of either gender “revolting,” it seems they need to grow the hell up. I mean, wow. Are we in fourth grade sex ed class here or what?

     And yes, I have a feeling Dan was stirring shit up by the comment, but seriously. Judge people for being dumbasses, sure. Tell them their bodies are icky… HAR HAR funny, dude! Got any poop jokes while you’re at it? That stuff never gets old.

129. And the people claiming its somehow less valid to be disgusted by the idea of homosexual sex than it is to be revolted by women’s vaginas are a real laugh too.

     Your posts are terribly homophobic, Amanda. You go out of your way to shriek about how awful gay men are, use “people think gay sex is gross” as an example, get offended at gay men specifically and basically run us all up a flag pole.

     And it seems to be an on-going battle for you.

     I’m sorry that you don’t think gay men are equal to you, hopefully you’ll change.

130. Dan, You don’t know dick aobut having a pussy. It is OK to think pussies are icky but it is not OK to imply that having one is some sort of character defect. Thank you

131. I’m surprised Dan didn’t mention to NC that she might look for a guy with a chastity fetish. There are a lot of dudes who get off by having their partner deny them PIV sex and who fuck their partners with strap ons while their actual bits are safely tucked away somewhere. NC didn’t say she was into FemmeDom, but it might be where she needs to go to get what she wants.

132. @128

     Because pubic hair is a pain in the ass. When going down on a girl, it gets in your mouth and you have to spit it out. It’s easier to keep clean (When I started shaving I stopped getting yeast infections). Also, you don’t have hair tangling around the elastic around the leg holes of your underwear.

133. @133
     Ah the hair thing.
     You know, women feeling that they must present perfectly shaved parts to their partners is kind of like our processed food epidemic. The more we eat it, the lazier we get about cooking real food. And we’re all getting fat. What?

     Hair serves a purpose. It protects very senstitive parts from chaffing of clothes and skin on skin. I’ve felt the pressure to shave, but everytime I do I get those ugly bumps. Waxing does it too. I guess I’ll stick with the hair. As for shaving preventing yeast infections, that’s the first time I ever heard that one. I always found the opposite to be true. And I don’t like the feeling of my clothes right up on my bits…. I like the barrier hair provides.

134. @126,
     “even someone like Sarah Silverman has said she draws the line at making fat jokes about women because, by her assessment, we live in a country where women already receive way too much criticism about their weight.”

     But Dan wasn’t picking on fat vaginas. And again, he didn’t say vaginas were revolting. He said HE was revolted by them. Putting the onus on him. Not your vagina.

135. i always find it funny when gay men think that pussy is “gross”. me, i think assholes, where shit comes from, are gross.

136. @135 – Plus, I’m pretty sure we don’t live in a country where “women already receive way too much criticism about their vaginas.”

     Oh, except for that reality show, The Biggest Labias. And all those TV and magazine models with retouched pussies giving us skewed images of what real vulvas are supposed to look like.

137. @ 133 – Which is why I’m all in favor of trimming. And, you know, bathing regularly. I do shave my bikini line. But shaving/waxing all over tends to lead to chafing, itchiness, and unsightly bumps. As well as looking like you haven’t yet hit puberty.

     But, hey, personal tastes, I guess.

138. “Asking for my opinion on vajazzling, VAG, is like asking a vegan for her opinion on the wallpaper in a steak house. I’m simply too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor.”

     Because it’s not at all annoying to meat eaters when vegans walk into steak houses and mention repeatedly how they’re “VEGAN” and therefore cannot even CONTEMPLATE the wallpaper in this repulsive house of death, right?

     Vegans with manners keep that shit to themselves, which is what, as a sex columnist with a large female readership, Dan should consider doing. VAJ didn’t ask what he thought of vaginas in general, s/he asked what he thought of this fashion trend. If a vegan chooses to work for a non-vegan specific food blog and is asked a question involving meat, the vegan should either answer the question impartially, give it to someone who likes meat for them to answer, or ignore it. They shouldn’t take the opportunity to remind us yet again how repulsed they are by meat, unless they want to sound annoying and unqualified for the position.

139. @130, I’m not homophobic. I used the example of people joking about how grossed out they are by gay sex as an illustration of how jokingly stating your revulsion for something can come across as a pretty insensitive and even offensive sometimes. I also said I’m NOT someone who’s grossed out by gay sex. Learn to read.

140. Dan, I was excited to see the shirt offerings, too, until I SAW THEM. Do better.

     PS my vagina is awesome even without sparkles.
     Really, it is SOOOOooo pretty !

141. @134: Ditto.

     Funny enough, the only time I’m on the side of shaving when it comes to oral sex is when we’re talking about my boyfriend’s chin. When he’s got that four-day-old stubble, it’s haaaaaarsh. Usually he can manoeuvrer just enough to avoid scrapping me, but it can be dicey.

     Picking out pubes? Whatever. Sex is full of intervals … you gotta pause to adjust position, pause to move a sleeping limb, pause to rest your jaw, pause to wipe your face, pause to put on a condom. Stopping to remove a pube from your teeth is just one more thing on top of it all.

     Maintaining a comfortably shaven pussy just isn’t worth it. I mean, kudos if you can deal with the upkeep, but it doesn’t balance out for me.

142. “vajazzling” has to be the goddamn dumbest thing I have ever heard of, both the name and the actual thing.

143. @139 – If a vegan chooses to work for a non-vegan specific food blog and is asked a question involving meat, the vegan should either answer the question impartially, give it to someone who likes meat for them to answer, or ignore it.

     …unless the blogger writes for entertainment at least equally as much as for information, in which case there is no reason he shouldn’t be able to crack a joke about meat making him wretch.

     Seriously, I’m flabbergasted that people think Dan has some sort of serious responsibility or obligation to be neutral, polite and withhold his personal opinions (but only the ones you find personally offensive, of course). He’s a sex advice columnist, not a god-damned psychologist.

144. @140: You’re as dumb as a post, Amanda.

     Nobody is writing laws belittling women by using the vaginal aesthetic to back them up, but they are indeed writing laws by using gay sex as back up. Here’s a simple road map using your logic:

     Dan dislikes the way a vagina looks -> Dan makes joke -> People are offended

     People are grossed out by gay sex -> Write or ratify laws barring gays from the military, getting married, funeral rights, etc. -> ???????????????

     Well, I don’t know what to put there in that row of question marks, it kinda stopped being equal to people being offended by vagina jokes pretty much immediately.

     More than that, misogynist laws aren’t written by men because they hate vagina, they’re written by men because they really really REALLY looooooove vagina and want to make sure it stays co-dependent and willing and wanting.

     But yes, you’re right, being offended by pussy jokes is as much a hardship as being kept out of your dying partner’s hospital room. Mea culpa.

145. @139 “…Because it’s not at all annoying to meat eaters when vegans walk into steak houses and mention repeatedly how they’re “VEGAN”…

     that would be annoying. But if you invited the vegan to your steakhouse, you’d kinda have to expect them to be grossed out, wouldn’t you?

146. @134 & 138

     I resent the implication that I don’t bathe or am somehow unhygienic. Some people are simply prone to them, and eating 3 cups of yogurt, bathing with special no-perfume, no dye soap twice a day and wearing 100% cotton underwear doesn’t stop them. I am also prone to bladder infections. My immune system is inferior to yours. Happy?

     We also weren’t meant to wear blue jeans and underwear. When you have too much material around your groin it traps moisture and heat, which makes a yeast infection more likely. Shaving alleviates some of the problem because less moisture and heat is trapped. You could get the same effect by wearing skirts with no panties. Which, incidentally, is what most women did throughout history.

     As for trimming–it makes your hair coarse. When pubic hair is long it is soft. When it is short it stands up and the blunt unnatural ends feel rough.

     Red bumps don’t happen after a week. Sure it itches, but you stop getting red bumps and itching. if you keep doing it.

     I’m not saying that you have to shave, and men who pressure you to shave are not right. But there are valid reasons to want to shave, and it’s not just because a woman wants to please a man

147. #147, I agree with you. I shave and my boyfriend does, too, because I’m easily grossed out by stray hairs in my mouth and so is he. I personally like the way natural looks, but I really hate getting hair in my mouth during oral. That’s the only reason.

     I don’t get why people are so judgmental about it. When I go to The Hot House and I’m the only shaved one, I feel like people could be thinking I’m trying to look pre-pubescent or porn star-like (because I read comments like that from women on boards like this), and it’s embarrassing because it has nothing to do with that.

148. Yes, No Cocks, there is at least one other woman out there who enjoys sex with a man but doesn’t like being penetrated by his cock. My male lover and I have a satisfying sex life for 15 years. Oral, hands, and frottage are great for both of us, but having a cock (or anything else) in my vagina, or anything bigger than two fingers in my anus is painful and unpleasant (physically and psychologically) for me. My lover is a kind and caring man who gets no pleasure out of inflicting (or suffering) pain, and neither do I, so we don’t do things that cause either of us pain, like him putting his cock in me, or using positions that hurt his (frequently injured) knees.

     I’m a frequent reader of this column, and Dan’s view seems to be that it’s perfectly normal for some gay men not to want to be penetrated by cock (not just because they’re exclusively tops, but because they don’t like anal sex at all). So why does everyone assume that all straight or bi-sexual women need to like being penetrated by cock to be “normal”. I suppose it’s helpful (although no longer necessary) if the woman wants to get pregnant, but if she doesn’t…….

149. @145

     Not everybody who’s grossed out by gay sex is writing laws limiting the rights of gay people, or crusading against the gay community. I’m from Canada, where gay marriage is legal and (in my home province of Ontario) we’re on the verge of implementing a new sex ed curriculum for public and Catholic schools that would introduce the ideas of gay relationships and gender identities starting in grade 3. Of all the friends I grew up with and attended university with, I honestly don’t personally know anyone who opposes gay marriage, or actually believes gay people should have fewer rights than straight people. That being said, I’m sure many of my straight guy friends would be grossed out if you showed them gay male porn.

     Anyway, I didn’t bring up the example of some straight people being grossed out by gay sex in order to start a game of “Who in society has it the worst” with you. You just picked one part of what I wrote and took it completely out of context, and then start name-calling on top of it. Well, I’m done.

150. #149: That’s two of you who have mentioned pain from penetrative intercourse. If you read No Cocks’ letter, you will notice that she says she likes dildos just fine. Her reasons are pretty clearly not your reasons.

     I didn’t hear anybody say that women who have sex with men are required to like vaginal sex in order to be normal. I did hear Dan imply that it is entirely normal for hetero men to want vaginal sex, and that a healthy sex life takes into account the desires of both participants equally. That is not to say that you have to submit to something that you don’t want, but it is to say that your partner wanting it is not an unreasonable thing. If you don’t want to participate, then you either had better be damned accommodating when he gets that elsewhere, or you had better offer a damned satisfying alternative.

151. cool, yeah, vaginas are gross. thanks for a column dismissing everyone.

152. @ 147 – Oh, I didn’t mean to imply at all that you might have hygiene issues. Sorry – didn’t realize how my comment might be misconstrued. I meant that for my pussy consumption tastes, bathing regularly and trimming enough to keep pubic hair from really getting in the way is enough for me. I was mostly perplexed at how the hairless vagina has become a big trend now. When I said I was in favor of trimming and bathing, I didn’t mean you didn’t, I just meant that was the level of maintenance I liked.

     As for bumps/itching, my skin down there is extra sensitive. And most of the girls I’ve been with really don’t like the constant maintenance needed to keep a bald crotch from getting itchy and bumpy. If you’re willing to put up with it, hey, more power to you.

     Believe me, having a mother for a gynecologist means I knew far, far more about yeast infections and UTI’s than I wanted to while growing up. If shaving and waxing have taken care of issues you’ve had down there, great. But most women don’t need really need to shave completely. And I don’t shy away from shaved vaginas – I just think it’s odd how it’s become such a trend.

     Again, sorry if you thought I meant you were somehow unhygienic. After rereading my comment, I totally see where you got that. But that’s not at all what I meant.

153. vaginas are gross. wow, so funny.

154. the shirts are dumb. do we know what subtlety means? maybe we should talk more about how vaginas are gross.

155. @153
     Sorry about being so pissy. You struck a nerve. I have a weak immune system. I get sick a lot, and I get REALLY sick when I get sick. I constantly get the attitude of “Well if you washed your hands more/slept more/took more vitamins.”

     It comes from a place of not wanting to acknowledge that life is unfair. To keep from believing this, they decide that if someone is sick it is their fault. This keeps them from feeling bad. Of course, to make themselves not feel bad, they usually are scornful of the person who got the short end of the stick. This applies to those with financial problem, victims of crime, and every other situation where life is unfair.

     Obviously you weren’t one of those people. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, and I’m sorry.

156. I’ll tell you what I think of vajazzling…I think it’s a perfect example of how fucked up our society is when it comes to the female body. Hello…where those crystals are put is NOT your vagina…we don’t even have the right terminology!…but women don’t even seem to be able to say ‘vagina’, the wrong term for the vulva or mons anyways…they give it all kinds of ridiculous ‘pet names’ like vajayjay and then get giggly or timid about talking about it?! That’s the ‘yucky’ part, Dan! And now we are encouraged shave our vulva and pay hard-earned money to have crystals glued on it to feel good about ourselves?! That ranks up there with some of the biggest scams females swallow….fake nails, extensions, wigs, feet-crippling shoes, corsets…if we feel so good about ourselves, what’s the big cover-up all about? THINK, women!

157. @147
     Hey, DianeLGD,

     I was confused by your post… I didn’t even say anything about your hygiene… I was saying that shaving caused me problems, (discomfort, rash, and yeast infections). I was just surprised that by shaving, you got less yeast infections, when in my experience I got more.

     I appreciate that comments struck a nerve (getting sick a lot sucks)but I appreciate more your willingness to apologize. Now that’s a rarity!

158. @Baconcat:

     You’re playing Oppression Olympics, and totally missing Amanda’s point. No, Dan’s “pussy is gross” routine isn’t linked to attempts to legally marginalize women in the way that, say, Nancy Elliott’s “buttsex is gross” routine is linked to attempts to legally marginalize gays. Yes, being denied marriage and other basic civil rights is worse than simply being poked fun at. Nobody is arguing otherwise.

     However, this doesn’t mean that it’s perfectly okay to routinely express hyperbolic distaste for the bodies of an entire group of people, so long as that distaste is not being used as justification for oppression. Repeatedly stating that a certain group of people are intrinsically physically revolting — even when such statements have no political repercussions and are expressed as purely subjective opinion — is just plain fucking rude.

     For instance, imagine you had an acquaintance who was politically in favor of gay rights and generally treated gay people with perfect respect, but found the idea of gay sex to be profoundly unappealing on a visceral level. Now, imagine that this acquaintance was prone to making nasty little quips about how absolutely revolted he was by gay sex, complete with snide similes about unappealing food products. You probably wouldn’t think that this guy was an unmitigated bigot who was personally responsible for widespread oppression — but you probably would think he was kind of a jerk about this one thing, and wish he would shut the hell up about it.

159. Something about checking your partner’s email account-

     I turned 40 last week. I didn’t really have much of an idea about what my wife was doing for me, but I suspected that she might be planning something small for me.

     I looked up at the calendar and I noticed that the calendar warned to not plan anything over the weekend. I thought about how I didn’t really want a party, and I didn’t want to go anywhere.

     So I emailed my wife that exact phrase at work. She was incensed. She was extremely upset. We had an argument about the issue, and apparently she canceled the party. I had no idea what the party was.

     She came home, and she told me that we were going to be having 60 people over, and that on the next night I would be going out with my long time friends of 20+ years.

     I didn’t realize the extent of the party, so I immediately tried to get her to reissue an invitation. I begged, I pleaded, I apologized… I was willing to take the personal animosity just so that her hard work would not have been for nothing.

     The crux of her unhappiness wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in a party. It was that she was 100% sure that I had been reading her email! I told her that I was in no way reading her email, and that I would never do that. I trust her fine. We were having the fight on our 13th wedding anniversary after all!

     There were two reasons for her to believe that I was reading her email, neither of which had anything to do with me. One reason had to do with some friends of ours, but the other reason, and she told me this specifically- Dan Savage had just written in his column that partners should just expect that their partners are snooping in their email and their phone records! WTF? I was ticked, because I had done nothing that I was being blamed for, other than being a total mid life putz!

     So thanks Dan! Lucky for you, we’re still together and even more in love than before.

     I finally got her to believe me after 4 days of me being totally and completely irate that my wife of 13 years wasn’t going to believe me when I looked her directly in the eye and told her that I was telling the truth! 4 days of that BS, and she finally relented when she saw how PO’d I was the whole time.

160. Vaginas are gross? Hey,Dan, maybe you should ask yourself what kind of company you are keeping when you say something like that. You know, who else would endorse views like that?

     As for your inappropriately guilty correspondents, they need to attend some codependents anonymous meetings, or do some therapy.

     Don’t like being penetrated by dicks in you but do like to suck them? Prefer dildos? More therapy indicated, I’d say. Maybe you were raped, or have power / control issues?

     Vajazzler? That stuff looks tacky enough on sweaters. Second take? Ouch! Minnie Pearl had more class than that…I know, who’s Minnie Pearl? Google it.

161. @ CTOAC… there are a LOT of people out there who will create issues over what you did just so that the issue of what they did (first) gets all hazy and fades to the backdrop while they accuse, get angry, yell, name-call, ignore, cry, etc. to draw the blame away from themselves. Walk away. Don’t give her a 2nd glance. Be glad she is out of your life, since she not only cheated on you, she is one of these back-stabbing low-lifes who likes to cast blame. Yes, you sound vulnerable; take this as a life lesson and move on. I don’t think you should wait around for her to forgive you; she’s not that type.

162. When god made boys,
     He made them out of string
     He had a little extra,
     So made a little thing.

     When god made girls,
     He made them out lace,
     He didn’t have enough,
     So left a little space.

163. Can’t recall who said they like a shaved cock and balls, and i’m too tired to scroll up to look… but really, a shaved cock, unless it is FRESHLY shaved, leads to pussy burn. I’ve had it happen to me! What a horrible feeling, when you’re riding that shaved cock, and every thrust results in further pussy burn. Men… don’t shave down there, please!

     As for trimming my pussy, which i do, i disagree with whomever it was who said that a close trim results in coarse hair … not mine! I trim my pussy regularly and it’s nice and soft and lovely. I guess it might differ from one person to the next. Perhaps it depends on what implement you use. I use a rechargeable shaver, not scissors. This might make a difference; i don’t know.

     The main job of hair, anywhere on the body, is to protect that which it sits atop of… it also wicks moisture and perspiration from the skin. Just sayin…

164. @99 : never look back on that soggy ballsack. He’s only in there for the financial support you’ve offered him. If you take him back, he’ll know what a good doormat you are… and he’ll be even worse.

165. @99 : never look back on that sagging ballsack. He’s only in there for the financial support you’ve offered him. If you take him back, he’ll know what a good doormat you are… and he’ll behave even worse.

166. oops, sorry for the double post !

167. No Cocks needs to look into the male chastity fetish and find a submissive guy who’s into that.

168. Even though No Cocks says she enjoys dildos, it sounds like she may have vaginismus or something similar. I had a problem for a while where being penetrated by hubby’s penis was painful, but something smaller/smoother was pleasing. After complaining to several doctors who blew it off, I found a doctor who was able to discover the problem and cure it– a low grade infection with an unusual variety of yeast that couldn’t be cured through ordinary measures. I’m fine now, but for over five years I was in in exactly the same position No Cocks was in. Fortunately for me & my husband, he enjoys BJ’s and I enjoy giving them and am good at it.

169. I’m a 100 per cent straight man and I find pussy pretty disgusting (although it feels nice to be inside one). And I think Dan must be bored out of his skull having to talk, mostly, about straight people’s problems. Dan, you have one beautiful motherfucking mind…

170. NC feels like a freak, no? She wants to know if something is wrong with her only or if their are others like her out there. I think we all like knowing it’s not just us sometimes. Hilarious response to VAG.

171. @123:Right ON, Anne in MA!

     Dan, for a gay guy who’s not personally into pussy, but is still a fully supportive feminist (GOD and GODDESS I love your comment: ‘Pussies are powerful: they can take a pummeling and still spit out a new human being’!!), you continue to ROCK!!!

172. @123: Right on, about Dan, I mean.

     @170: I find you pretty disgusting and no, I wouldn’t want you inside me.

173. @170: You find pussy pretty disgusting, yet you’re “100% straight”? LOL, keep telling yourself that!

174. Thanks Dan! I will start to use ballsack from now on. I was always hesitant to say pussy because I didn’t feel comfortable adding to that pussies are weak, cocks are strong mentality. Also, I sympathize with your attitude toward vajazzling. But not for the same reasons. I’m a bisexual female, I love my own vagina and I love other vaginas, and though I’ve never actually seen one, I do NOT love vajazzled vaginas. The very idea just creeps me the fuck out. Maybe I just have a fear that all the bits and pieces will get stuck? And in the wrong places! Whatever, that shit is gross!

175. I guess I’m the only one who thinks that CTOAC’s ex wasn’t that bad a human being. It seems clear to me that she had moved on well before she actually broke up with him- and yeah, she should have been a decent human being and broken up with him then, and not CHEATED- but when I read his letter, I really heard “I’m someone for whom ‘I don’t want to be with you’ is not enough of a reason to break up”. I mean, he is still chasing her!

     I also didn’t appreciate his description of her “trumped-up reasons”- she wanted to leave, that is all he really needs to know. I mean, yeah, after a relationship of years there needs to be some warning signs and some sort of discussion- but there doesn’t have to be more of an actual reason than “You’re not the one for me.” Period. It seems to me that when people give bullshit reasons for breaking up, it’s because they don’t want to have to hurt someone’s feelings by rejecting them straight up. I don’t think that’s necessarily a wholly bad thing- it’s certainly better than giving your ex a laundry list of reasons you no longer love them, when even if he or she managed to change all of those things, you wouldn’t come back. Anyway, to sum, she did something terribly wrong and then he did something terribly wrong, and let’s us all thank Jeebus that they can move on to other people now.

176. @176

     Except that’s not what she said to him. She said to him “you horrible bastard, I can’t believe you did that, we’re through”. He, of course, doesn’t see himself as a bastard, so he doesn’t want things to be left on that sour note. He’s a wimp, but not “chasing” her.

     I agree, when people give bullshit reasons for a breakup, it’s to avoid simply saying “I don’t really like you that much”, but that doesn’t make it a good thing to lie, and that’s really what it is. If I’ve lost interest in my girlfriend, I can simply break up with her, I don’t need to excuse my behavior by making it her “fault”. In fact, that’s a very selfish thing. I want to walk away from the relationship feeling like I’m the aggrieved party, rather than the one who broke someone’s heart.

     Speaking as someone who has been broken up with, it’s always better for the person being broken up with to get the straight, honest, truth. It’s always better for the person breaking up to tell the gentle lies. It’s not about protecting your exes feelings, it’s about not having to yourself feel bad. I’d much rather get the laundry list, or even just the blunt “I’m no longer interested in you”.

     The only thing he did wrong was discover she’s a cheating bitch. He shouldn’t be wringing his hands seeking redemption and forgiveness because it should be her who wrings her hands. But, of course, she won’t. She got to manipulate the situation to where she could feel completely exculpated for cheating on him and breaking up with him. She was brilliant about it, butt she’s the one who did things terribly wrong.

177. Bah to the crummy response to No Cocks. EVERYONE wants support groups. It doesn’t feel good to have a sexual abnormality with no name or indication that other people are in the same boat.

178. Amanda, you’re awesome and not homophobic. What friggin moron suggested that? Same to you woman who said peeps shouldn’t lay down and offer a giggle to a mean spirited comment.

     Dan’s being a big fat hypocrite. When people talk about how disgusting gay sex is, they tend to not support gay rights cuz they’re revulsed by the idea. Although Dan is mostly supportive of women’s vaginas and the men/women/both who love them, his revulsion colors his perception. We all get that you’re quirky and outspoken. But directly insulting ma vag is fucked up and juveunile. You get poop dick for god’s sakes, yet you don’t rag on that everytime gay sex gets brought up. So kindly knock it the fuck off.

179. http://whiskeyandhaterade.blogspot.com/2…

180. http://whiskeyandhaterade.blogspot.com/2…

181. @17, Lets not forget how frequently pregnancy tests are misread. When a pregnancy test says, “Results in 3 minutes – results after 10 minutes invalid.” it’s because after that period of time, evaporation lines can show a false positive. Not reading the instructions can lead to some embarrassing situations when you think you see a positive.

182. Danielito #170:
     I’d imagine your junk is pretty disgusting, and without the benefit of feeling nice to have inside.

183. @179: “Revulsed” and “revulsion” aren’t words (I’m guessing you mean “repulsed/revolted” and “repulsion/revolt”) but other than that, I agree with your post.

184. @184, Actually, they’re both words.

     http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/r…

     http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/r…

185. I’m concerned by your response to NC–that her husband needs a shoulder to cry on–because it seems at odds with an idea that I’ve read in previous Savage Love columns: that anal sex is, contrary to popular belief, *not* a necessary activity for sexually active gay men, and that gay men shouldn’t feel obligated to enjoy anal sex in order to have fulfilling, “correct,” partnered sex lives (i.e. October 21, 2009). Surely that same sensibility that allows for a wide range of sexual expression among gay male couples would extend to male-female couples like NC and her husband. Surely, penetrative sex is one potentially fun sexual activity among many, for men and women and all combinations thereof.

186. @185 Oops, my bad 🙂

187. @137 (Krista 1203)

     “Plus, I’m pretty sure we don’t live in a country where ‘women already receive way too much criticism about their vaginas.’

     We DO live in a country where “women already receive way too much criticism about their vaginas.” In popular culture, the phallus = power, strength, godliness, etc., while pussy = gross, weak, smelly, filthy, shameful. And “eWW vagina!” jokes make up a significant amount of schoolboy/frat-boy/boys club humor.

     Good for Amanda for pointing out that Dan perpetuates this negativity when he describes himself as “revolted” by pussy. There are many ways he could’ve written a witty response without writing that vagina makes him want to puke.

     It baffles me that you (and many others) seem to think it’s okay for a widely-read sex columnist to endorse the perspective that anyone’s genitalia (male, female, or any combination thereof) is inherently revolting. (Dictionary definition: “nauseating, disgusting, or repulsive.”)

     Dan is viewed by many thousands as an authority on all things sexual. That doesn’t mean his sexuality should reflect ours, or vice versa. But he does have a responsibility to be respectful of everyone. I read the comments by Amanda and others as simply calling Dan out on his use of degrading language. Good for them.

188. Am I the only one thinking NC might want to consider that she might not be straight? I’ve realized I’m a lesbian recently. At first, I enjoyed sex with men but never had any emotional attachment to them. Then I realized not only did I not like sex with them, but I actually hated it. I can’t stand the idea of a penis in me. (This is not why I am gay – this was just part of the very complicated epiphany that I am gay).

     She may be too.

189. NC, just to check that penetrative sex doesn’t mean an end of the fun for you? If you don’t keep it varied, fucking with a dick might end up meaning your fun is about to end when your husband comes.

     You licking, him licking, you being fucked by a dildo, mean the fun will continue longer.

     So, keep it varied. Fuck (with a dick) between other fun stuff. Don’t always end a good time with it.

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