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I read the letter from the woman who had cheated on her ex and now wants to patch it up. I have a similar situation, except it was my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. We’d been living together for a few years—we were engaged—and then she suddenly moved out “temporarily” to “work out some issues,” then dumped me several weeks later for trumped-up reasons.

So I went into her e-mail to find out WTF had happened and learned about the paramour, when she actually started fucking him, and so on. Even though she was a lying, cheating whore in any objective sense, I do feel bad about violating her privacy. Well, she was furious and basically hates my guts now, more than a year later. I reached out once around six months ago via e-mail, but got shot down. I just want to forgive and be forgiven.

Can’t Think
Of Anything Clever

You are a huge pussy, CTOAC—excuse me, sorry. Pussies are powerful; they can take pummeling and spit out a brand-new human being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable, and far too sensitive for your own good.

What you are is a ball sack.

Stop asking for your ex-girlfriend’s absolution, sacky, stop begging for her forgiveness. So long as you’re crawling to her, she can go on pretending that she was the injured party in your relationship. Forgive you? There’s no reason for her to do that—there’s no upside for her. So long as you’re standing there wringing your hands and acting like a cringing, wounded pussy—excuse me: a dangling, freshly slapped ball sack—she wins. Move the fuck on already, sacky.

I’m a married woman in my 40s who has lately admitted that I hate being penetrated by a dick. I love sucking a dick and love having a dildo in me. I also love having sex with a man—as long as he is not penetrating me with his own personal cock. So my question is, are there other women out there who enjoy sex with men but don’t want a dick inside them?

No Cocks

Wouldn’t the more pertinent question be, “Are there men out there who enjoy sex with women but don’t want their dicks inside them? And is my HUSBAND one of them?” Whether there are women out there who share your fondness for men but aversion to cock is only relevant if you’re looking to form a support group. And if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on, NC, it’s your husband, not you.

I was seeing a girl every other week for about four months. We only used condoms for birth control, but we always used them and we were careful. Two months after I ended it, she told me that three weeks previous she found out that she was pregnant and a few days later miscarried. Obviously, I was surprised and also concerned for her. We talked about it a few times over the phone, even though I’m seeing somebody else now.

Emotionally, she has not been dealing with the situation very well. She says that she cries whenever she sees babies. I’ve been making an effort to be supportive, but she thinks that I could be doing more. She also told me after we stopped seeing each other that she is in love with me. Which brings us to the issue: She’s been getting therapy since the miscarriage. She thinks I should help pay for her therapy; I’m reluctant, but I want to do what’s right. On the one hand, I did get her pregnant, and the pregnancy/miscarriage was the catalyst for her seeking therapy. On the other hand, it was a casual relationship and she has other personal issues. Obviously, if she were pregnant now, I would pay or at least help pay for an abortion. But she’s not pregnant. She’s unhappy, and I’m not sure what the scope of my responsibility is for that.

What Do I Do?

P.S. I’ve been reading your column for years, and I think it has had a profoundly positive impact on my life: Thank you.

It saddens me when someone with such a colossally defective bullshit detector signs off with “I’ve been reading you for years.” Perhaps you have, WDID, but to seemingly little effect.

Forgive me for being blunt: How do you know she got pregnant and had a miscarriage? Because she told you so. Did it not occur to you that she might have made this all up in an effort—successful thus far—to retain your attention, if not your affections?

Don’t pay for her therapy, don’t spend all day on the phone with her, and don’t believe everything you’re told.

In fairness: There’s a small chance she isn’t lying, WDID; according to Planned Parenthood, if you were using condoms carefully and correctly, there’s a 2 percent chance your ex could have gotten pregnant. Even so, your emotional obligations to her ended when the relationship did, and your financial obligations ended with the miscarriage.

I’m a straight girl who started dating this straight guy six months ago. Three months in, he told me he is a crossdresser. I was curious what it would be like to have sex with him dressed. It brought our sex life to a new level that is very pleasing to both of us. The problem is that I find myself very sexually attracted to him dressed. I’m not as attracted to him when he isn’t dressed, and the sex isn’t as exciting for me. He said he’s happy to dress for sex, and although I like that, now I’m afraid of getting into a routine where we will only enjoy sex in that way and down the road I may grow tired of the dressed sex and crave a regular guy. I think we both lower our inhibitions when we have sex while he’s dressed. I guess I don’t understand why.

Confused And Curious

When he’s dressed, he’s giving himself permission to live out his fantasies (with an assist from you); when you see him dressed, your inhibitions lift because, hey, there’s no way you can freak out or outfreak the boyfriend.

Routines can be deadly, of course, but I wouldn’t worry about being stuck in a rut. You’ve only been doing this for a few months, and his crossdressed ass is still a shiny new toy. And you can’t simultaneously worry that you’ll come to only enjoy sex while he’s dressed up and that you’ll grow bored with sex while he’s dressed up. If you continue to enjoy dressed-up sex, you won’t get bored; if you get bored, go back to non-dressed-up sex.

So I have to know, Dan: What is your opinion on vajazzling?

Vajazzle Azzle Gadazzle

Asking for my opinion on vajazzling, VAG, is like asking a vegan for her opinion on the wallpaper in a steak house. I’m simply too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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189 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. @ 147 – Oh, I didn’t mean to imply at all that you might have hygiene issues. Sorry – didn’t realize how my comment might be misconstrued. I meant that for my pussy consumption tastes, bathing regularly and trimming enough to keep pubic hair from really getting in the way is enough for me. I was mostly perplexed at how the hairless vagina has become a big trend now. When I said I was in favor of trimming and bathing, I didn’t mean you didn’t, I just meant that was the level of maintenance I liked.

    As for bumps/itching, my skin down there is extra sensitive. And most of the girls I’ve been with really don’t like the constant maintenance needed to keep a bald crotch from getting itchy and bumpy. If you’re willing to put up with it, hey, more power to you.

    Believe me, having a mother for a gynecologist means I knew far, far more about yeast infections and UTI’s than I wanted to while growing up. If shaving and waxing have taken care of issues you’ve had down there, great. But most women don’t need really need to shave completely. And I don’t shy away from shaved vaginas – I just think it’s odd how it’s become such a trend.

    Again, sorry if you thought I meant you were somehow unhygienic. After rereading my comment, I totally see where you got that. But that’s not at all what I meant.

  5. @153
    Sorry about being so pissy. You struck a nerve. I have a weak immune system. I get sick a lot, and I get REALLY sick when I get sick. I constantly get the attitude of “Well if you washed your hands more/slept more/took more vitamins.”

    It comes from a place of not wanting to acknowledge that life is unfair. To keep from believing this, they decide that if someone is sick it is their fault. This keeps them from feeling bad. Of course, to make themselves not feel bad, they usually are scornful of the person who got the short end of the stick. This applies to those with financial problem, victims of crime, and every other situation where life is unfair.

    Obviously you weren’t one of those people. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, and I’m sorry.

  6. I’ll tell you what I think of vajazzling…I think it’s a perfect example of how fucked up our society is when it comes to the female body. Hello…where those crystals are put is NOT your vagina…we don’t even have the right terminology!…but women don’t even seem to be able to say ‘vagina’, the wrong term for the vulva or mons anyways…they give it all kinds of ridiculous ‘pet names’ like vajayjay and then get giggly or timid about talking about it?! That’s the ‘yucky’ part, Dan! And now we are encouraged shave our vulva and pay hard-earned money to have crystals glued on it to feel good about ourselves?! That ranks up there with some of the biggest scams females swallow….fake nails, extensions, wigs, feet-crippling shoes, corsets…if we feel so good about ourselves, what’s the big cover-up all about? THINK, women!

  7. @147
    Hey, DianeLGD,

    I was confused by your post… I didn’t even say anything about your hygiene… I was saying that shaving caused me problems, (discomfort, rash, and yeast infections). I was just surprised that by shaving, you got less yeast infections, when in my experience I got more.

    I appreciate that comments struck a nerve (getting sick a lot sucks)but I appreciate more your willingness to apologize. Now that’s a rarity!

  8. @Baconcat:

    You’re playing Oppression Olympics, and totally missing Amanda’s point. No, Dan’s “pussy is gross” routine isn’t linked to attempts to legally marginalize women in the way that, say, Nancy Elliott’s “buttsex is gross” routine is linked to attempts to legally marginalize gays. Yes, being denied marriage and other basic civil rights is worse than simply being poked fun at. Nobody is arguing otherwise.

    However, this doesn’t mean that it’s perfectly okay to routinely express hyperbolic distaste for the bodies of an entire group of people, so long as that distaste is not being used as justification for oppression. Repeatedly stating that a certain group of people are intrinsically physically revolting — even when such statements have no political repercussions and are expressed as purely subjective opinion — is just plain fucking rude.

    For instance, imagine you had an acquaintance who was politically in favor of gay rights and generally treated gay people with perfect respect, but found the idea of gay sex to be profoundly unappealing on a visceral level. Now, imagine that this acquaintance was prone to making nasty little quips about how absolutely revolted he was by gay sex, complete with snide similes about unappealing food products. You probably wouldn’t think that this guy was an unmitigated bigot who was personally responsible for widespread oppression — but you probably would think he was kind of a jerk about this one thing, and wish he would shut the hell up about it.

  9. Something about checking your partner’s email account-

    I turned 40 last week. I didn’t really have much of an idea about what my wife was doing for me, but I suspected that she might be planning something small for me.

    I looked up at the calendar and I noticed that the calendar warned to not plan anything over the weekend. I thought about how I didn’t really want a party, and I didn’t want to go anywhere.

    So I emailed my wife that exact phrase at work. She was incensed. She was extremely upset. We had an argument about the issue, and apparently she canceled the party. I had no idea what the party was.

    She came home, and she told me that we were going to be having 60 people over, and that on the next night I would be going out with my long time friends of 20+ years.

    I didn’t realize the extent of the party, so I immediately tried to get her to reissue an invitation. I begged, I pleaded, I apologized… I was willing to take the personal animosity just so that her hard work would not have been for nothing.

    The crux of her unhappiness wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in a party. It was that she was 100% sure that I had been reading her email! I told her that I was in no way reading her email, and that I would never do that. I trust her fine. We were having the fight on our 13th wedding anniversary after all!

    There were two reasons for her to believe that I was reading her email, neither of which had anything to do with me. One reason had to do with some friends of ours, but the other reason, and she told me this specifically- Dan Savage had just written in his column that partners should just expect that their partners are snooping in their email and their phone records! WTF? I was ticked, because I had done nothing that I was being blamed for, other than being a total mid life putz!

    So thanks Dan! Lucky for you, we’re still together and even more in love than before.

    I finally got her to believe me after 4 days of me being totally and completely irate that my wife of 13 years wasn’t going to believe me when I looked her directly in the eye and told her that I was telling the truth! 4 days of that BS, and she finally relented when she saw how PO’d I was the whole time.

  10. Vaginas are gross? Hey,Dan, maybe you should ask yourself what kind of company you are keeping when you say something like that. You know, who else would endorse views like that?

    As for your inappropriately guilty correspondents, they need to attend some codependents anonymous meetings, or do some therapy.

    Don’t like being penetrated by dicks in you but do like to suck them? Prefer dildos? More therapy indicated, I’d say. Maybe you were raped, or have power / control issues?

    Vajazzler? That stuff looks tacky enough on sweaters. Second take? Ouch! Minnie Pearl had more class than that…I know, who’s Minnie Pearl? Google it.

  11. @ CTOAC… there are a LOT of people out there who will create issues over what you did just so that the issue of what they did (first) gets all hazy and fades to the backdrop while they accuse, get angry, yell, name-call, ignore, cry, etc. to draw the blame away from themselves. Walk away. Don’t give her a 2nd glance. Be glad she is out of your life, since she not only cheated on you, she is one of these back-stabbing low-lifes who likes to cast blame. Yes, you sound vulnerable; take this as a life lesson and move on. I don’t think you should wait around for her to forgive you; she’s not that type.

  12. When god made boys,
    He made them out of string
    He had a little extra,
    So made a little thing.

    When god made girls,
    He made them out lace,
    He didn’t have enough,
    So left a little space.

  13. Can’t recall who said they like a shaved cock and balls, and i’m too tired to scroll up to look… but really, a shaved cock, unless it is FRESHLY shaved, leads to pussy burn. I’ve had it happen to me! What a horrible feeling, when you’re riding that shaved cock, and every thrust results in further pussy burn. Men… don’t shave down there, please!

    As for trimming my pussy, which i do, i disagree with whomever it was who said that a close trim results in coarse hair … not mine! I trim my pussy regularly and it’s nice and soft and lovely. I guess it might differ from one person to the next. Perhaps it depends on what implement you use. I use a rechargeable shaver, not scissors. This might make a difference; i don’t know.

    The main job of hair, anywhere on the body, is to protect that which it sits atop of… it also wicks moisture and perspiration from the skin. Just sayin…

  14. @99 : never look back on that soggy ballsack. He’s only in there for the financial support you’ve offered him. If you take him back, he’ll know what a good doormat you are… and he’ll be even worse.

  15. @99 : never look back on that sagging ballsack. He’s only in there for the financial support you’ve offered him. If you take him back, he’ll know what a good doormat you are… and he’ll behave even worse.

  18. Even though No Cocks says she enjoys dildos, it sounds like she may have vaginismus or something similar. I had a problem for a while where being penetrated by hubby’s penis was painful, but something smaller/smoother was pleasing. After complaining to several doctors who blew it off, I found a doctor who was able to discover the problem and cure it– a low grade infection with an unusual variety of yeast that couldn’t be cured through ordinary measures. I’m fine now, but for over five years I was in in exactly the same position No Cocks was in. Fortunately for me & my husband, he enjoys BJ’s and I enjoy giving them and am good at it.

  19. I’m a 100 per cent straight man and I find pussy pretty disgusting (although it feels nice to be inside one). And I think Dan must be bored out of his skull having to talk, mostly, about straight people’s problems. Dan, you have one beautiful motherfucking mind…

  20. NC feels like a freak, no? She wants to know if something is wrong with her only or if their are others like her out there. I think we all like knowing it’s not just us sometimes. Hilarious response to VAG.

  21. @123:Right ON, Anne in MA!

    Dan, for a gay guy who’s not personally into pussy, but is still a fully supportive feminist (GOD and GODDESS I love your comment: ‘Pussies are powerful: they can take a pummeling and still spit out a new human being’!!), you continue to ROCK!!!

  22. @123: Right on, about Dan, I mean.

    @170: I find you pretty disgusting and no, I wouldn’t want you inside me.

  23. @170: You find pussy pretty disgusting, yet you’re “100% straight”? LOL, keep telling yourself that!

  24. Thanks Dan! I will start to use ballsack from now on. I was always hesitant to say pussy because I didn’t feel comfortable adding to that pussies are weak, cocks are strong mentality. Also, I sympathize with your attitude toward vajazzling. But not for the same reasons. I’m a bisexual female, I love my own vagina and I love other vaginas, and though I’ve never actually seen one, I do NOT love vajazzled vaginas. The very idea just creeps me the fuck out. Maybe I just have a fear that all the bits and pieces will get stuck? And in the wrong places! Whatever, that shit is gross!

  25. I guess I’m the only one who thinks that CTOAC’s ex wasn’t that bad a human being. It seems clear to me that she had moved on well before she actually broke up with him- and yeah, she should have been a decent human being and broken up with him then, and not CHEATED- but when I read his letter, I really heard “I’m someone for whom ‘I don’t want to be with you’ is not enough of a reason to break up”. I mean, he is still chasing her!

    I also didn’t appreciate his description of her “trumped-up reasons”- she wanted to leave, that is all he really needs to know. I mean, yeah, after a relationship of years there needs to be some warning signs and some sort of discussion- but there doesn’t have to be more of an actual reason than “You’re not the one for me.” Period. It seems to me that when people give bullshit reasons for breaking up, it’s because they don’t want to have to hurt someone’s feelings by rejecting them straight up. I don’t think that’s necessarily a wholly bad thing- it’s certainly better than giving your ex a laundry list of reasons you no longer love them, when even if he or she managed to change all of those things, you wouldn’t come back. Anyway, to sum, she did something terribly wrong and then he did something terribly wrong, and let’s us all thank Jeebus that they can move on to other people now.

  26. @176

    Except that’s not what she said to him. She said to him “you horrible bastard, I can’t believe you did that, we’re through”. He, of course, doesn’t see himself as a bastard, so he doesn’t want things to be left on that sour note. He’s a wimp, but not “chasing” her.

    I agree, when people give bullshit reasons for a breakup, it’s to avoid simply saying “I don’t really like you that much”, but that doesn’t make it a good thing to lie, and that’s really what it is. If I’ve lost interest in my girlfriend, I can simply break up with her, I don’t need to excuse my behavior by making it her “fault”. In fact, that’s a very selfish thing. I want to walk away from the relationship feeling like I’m the aggrieved party, rather than the one who broke someone’s heart.

    Speaking as someone who has been broken up with, it’s always better for the person being broken up with to get the straight, honest, truth. It’s always better for the person breaking up to tell the gentle lies. It’s not about protecting your exes feelings, it’s about not having to yourself feel bad. I’d much rather get the laundry list, or even just the blunt “I’m no longer interested in you”.

    The only thing he did wrong was discover she’s a cheating bitch. He shouldn’t be wringing his hands seeking redemption and forgiveness because it should be her who wrings her hands. But, of course, she won’t. She got to manipulate the situation to where she could feel completely exculpated for cheating on him and breaking up with him. She was brilliant about it, butt she’s the one who did things terribly wrong.

  27. Bah to the crummy response to No Cocks. EVERYONE wants support groups. It doesn’t feel good to have a sexual abnormality with no name or indication that other people are in the same boat.

  28. Amanda, you’re awesome and not homophobic. What friggin moron suggested that? Same to you woman who said peeps shouldn’t lay down and offer a giggle to a mean spirited comment.

    Dan’s being a big fat hypocrite. When people talk about how disgusting gay sex is, they tend to not support gay rights cuz they’re revulsed by the idea. Although Dan is mostly supportive of women’s vaginas and the men/women/both who love them, his revulsion colors his perception. We all get that you’re quirky and outspoken. But directly insulting ma vag is fucked up and juveunile. You get poop dick for god’s sakes, yet you don’t rag on that everytime gay sex gets brought up. So kindly knock it the fuck off.

  31. @17, Lets not forget how frequently pregnancy tests are misread. When a pregnancy test says, “Results in 3 minutes – results after 10 minutes invalid.” it’s because after that period of time, evaporation lines can show a false positive. Not reading the instructions can lead to some embarrassing situations when you think you see a positive.

  32. Danielito #170:
    I’d imagine your junk is pretty disgusting, and without the benefit of feeling nice to have inside.

  33. @179: “Revulsed” and “revulsion” aren’t words (I’m guessing you mean “repulsed/revolted” and “repulsion/revolt”) but other than that, I agree with your post.

  35. I’m concerned by your response to NC–that her husband needs a shoulder to cry on–because it seems at odds with an idea that I’ve read in previous Savage Love columns: that anal sex is, contrary to popular belief, *not* a necessary activity for sexually active gay men, and that gay men shouldn’t feel obligated to enjoy anal sex in order to have fulfilling, “correct,” partnered sex lives (i.e. October 21, 2009). Surely that same sensibility that allows for a wide range of sexual expression among gay male couples would extend to male-female couples like NC and her husband. Surely, penetrative sex is one potentially fun sexual activity among many, for men and women and all combinations thereof.

  37. @137 (Krista 1203)

    “Plus, I’m pretty sure we don’t live in a country where ‘women already receive way too much criticism about their vaginas.’

    We DO live in a country where “women already receive way too much criticism about their vaginas.” In popular culture, the phallus = power, strength, godliness, etc., while pussy = gross, weak, smelly, filthy, shameful. And “eWW vagina!” jokes make up a significant amount of schoolboy/frat-boy/boys club humor.

    Good for Amanda for pointing out that Dan perpetuates this negativity when he describes himself as “revolted” by pussy. There are many ways he could’ve written a witty response without writing that vagina makes him want to puke.

    It baffles me that you (and many others) seem to think it’s okay for a widely-read sex columnist to endorse the perspective that anyone’s genitalia (male, female, or any combination thereof) is inherently revolting. (Dictionary definition: “nauseating, disgusting, or repulsive.”)

    Dan is viewed by many thousands as an authority on all things sexual. That doesn’t mean his sexuality should reflect ours, or vice versa. But he does have a responsibility to be respectful of everyone. I read the comments by Amanda and others as simply calling Dan out on his use of degrading language. Good for them.

  38. Am I the only one thinking NC might want to consider that she might not be straight? I’ve realized I’m a lesbian recently. At first, I enjoyed sex with men but never had any emotional attachment to them. Then I realized not only did I not like sex with them, but I actually hated it. I can’t stand the idea of a penis in me. (This is not why I am gay – this was just part of the very complicated epiphany that I am gay).

    She may be too.

  39. NC, just to check that penetrative sex doesn’t mean an end of the fun for you? If you don’t keep it varied, fucking with a dick might end up meaning your fun is about to end when your husband comes.

    You licking, him licking, you being fucked by a dildo, mean the fun will continue longer.

    So, keep it varied. Fuck (with a dick) between other fun stuff. Don’t always end a good time with it.

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