Hey, everybody: Now you can buy your own Savage Love T-shirt. Go to thestranger.com/savagemerch.
I read the letter from the woman who had cheated on her ex and now wants to patch it up. I have a similar situation, except it was my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. We’d been living together for a few years—we were engaged—and then she suddenly moved out “temporarily” to “work out some issues,” then dumped me several weeks later for trumped-up reasons.
So I went into her e-mail to find out WTF had happened and learned about the paramour, when she actually started fucking him, and so on. Even though she was a lying, cheating whore in any objective sense, I do feel bad about violating her privacy. Well, she was furious and basically hates my guts now, more than a year later. I reached out once around six months ago via e-mail, but got shot down. I just want to forgive and be forgiven.
Can’t Think
Of Anything Clever
You are a huge pussy, CTOAC—excuse me, sorry. Pussies are powerful; they can take pummeling and spit out a brand-new human being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable, and far too sensitive for your own good.
What you are is a ball sack.
Stop asking for your ex-girlfriend’s absolution, sacky, stop begging for her forgiveness. So long as you’re crawling to her, she can go on pretending that she was the injured party in your relationship. Forgive you? There’s no reason for her to do that—there’s no upside for her. So long as you’re standing there wringing your hands and acting like a cringing, wounded pussy—excuse me: a dangling, freshly slapped ball sack—she wins. Move the fuck on already, sacky.
I’m a married woman in my 40s who has lately admitted that I hate being penetrated by a dick. I love sucking a dick and love having a dildo in me. I also love having sex with a man—as long as he is not penetrating me with his own personal cock. So my question is, are there other women out there who enjoy sex with men but don’t want a dick inside them?
No Cocks
Wouldn’t the more pertinent question be, “Are there men out there who enjoy sex with women but don’t want their dicks inside them? And is my HUSBAND one of them?” Whether there are women out there who share your fondness for men but aversion to cock is only relevant if you’re looking to form a support group. And if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on, NC, it’s your husband, not you.
I was seeing a girl every other week for about four months. We only used condoms for birth control, but we always used them and we were careful. Two months after I ended it, she told me that three weeks previous she found out that she was pregnant and a few days later miscarried. Obviously, I was surprised and also concerned for her. We talked about it a few times over the phone, even though I’m seeing somebody else now.
Emotionally, she has not been dealing with the situation very well. She says that she cries whenever she sees babies. I’ve been making an effort to be supportive, but she thinks that I could be doing more. She also told me after we stopped seeing each other that she is in love with me. Which brings us to the issue: She’s been getting therapy since the miscarriage. She thinks I should help pay for her therapy; I’m reluctant, but I want to do what’s right. On the one hand, I did get her pregnant, and the pregnancy/miscarriage was the catalyst for her seeking therapy. On the other hand, it was a casual relationship and she has other personal issues. Obviously, if she were pregnant now, I would pay or at least help pay for an abortion. But she’s not pregnant. She’s unhappy, and I’m not sure what the scope of my responsibility is for that.
What Do I Do?
P.S. I’ve been reading your column for years, and I think it has had a profoundly positive impact on my life: Thank you.
It saddens me when someone with such a colossally defective bullshit detector signs off with “I’ve been reading you for years.” Perhaps you have, WDID, but to seemingly little effect.
Forgive me for being blunt: How do you know she got pregnant and had a miscarriage? Because she told you so. Did it not occur to you that she might have made this all up in an effort—successful thus far—to retain your attention, if not your affections?
Don’t pay for her therapy, don’t spend all day on the phone with her, and don’t believe everything you’re told.
In fairness: There’s a small chance she isn’t lying, WDID; according to Planned Parenthood, if you were using condoms carefully and correctly, there’s a 2 percent chance your ex could have gotten pregnant. Even so, your emotional obligations to her ended when the relationship did, and your financial obligations ended with the miscarriage.
I’m a straight girl who started dating this straight guy six months ago. Three months in, he told me he is a crossdresser. I was curious what it would be like to have sex with him dressed. It brought our sex life to a new level that is very pleasing to both of us. The problem is that I find myself very sexually attracted to him dressed. I’m not as attracted to him when he isn’t dressed, and the sex isn’t as exciting for me. He said he’s happy to dress for sex, and although I like that, now I’m afraid of getting into a routine where we will only enjoy sex in that way and down the road I may grow tired of the dressed sex and crave a regular guy. I think we both lower our inhibitions when we have sex while he’s dressed. I guess I don’t understand why.
Confused And Curious
When he’s dressed, he’s giving himself permission to live out his fantasies (with an assist from you); when you see him dressed, your inhibitions lift because, hey, there’s no way you can freak out or outfreak the boyfriend.
Routines can be deadly, of course, but I wouldn’t worry about being stuck in a rut. You’ve only been doing this for a few months, and his crossdressed ass is still a shiny new toy. And you can’t simultaneously worry that you’ll come to only enjoy sex while he’s dressed up and that you’ll grow bored with sex while he’s dressed up. If you continue to enjoy dressed-up sex, you won’t get bored; if you get bored, go back to non-dressed-up sex.
So I have to know, Dan: What is your opinion on vajazzling?
Vajazzle Azzle Gadazzle
Asking for my opinion on vajazzling, VAG, is like asking a vegan for her opinion on the wallpaper in a steak house. I’m simply too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@99: Your instincts sound right to me. Do NOT field any more of his calls or emails (or whatever). Ignore him.
Yeah, the T-shirts suck. The artist who did the beautiful illustrations for the “How to kill a pit bull with your bare hands” or whatever article could probably draw something worth wearing or a Joe Newton illo would be rad. The lame “Frankie goes to Hollywood” typeset lettering is WEAK!
Back to the letters- good as always. Dan kicks ass. “Sacky”, indeed..
What Krista1203 said.
What #97.
‘zackly.
And you know, #88? I can’t find the place in the column where Dan says women are super, super disgusting… You feel he consistently implies that, I surely don’t. Everybody interprets things differently, but you really put a nasty vibe into your interpretations. I also have been reading here for years, and I really like being a woman, and don’t feel that means I have to adore and/or bronze every aspect and function of my body. I am a woman. I have a pussy. This is not the same as “I am my pussy”.
I don’t need Dan to “validate” my pussy any more than he needs straight women to gather and worship his cock.
And I don’t think any of that means that Dan thinks “women are super, super disgusting”.
(Oh, ferfucksake…)
mmw1 #95: I agree with your sentiments in principle, but I think expecting him to pay for ongoing therapy falls on the “chained-to-the-ex” side of the line.
That is particularly true in this case. Too much of this story smells of her trying to use a pregnancy to keep him around. Personally, I doubt that she fabricated the whole story, but a period after five weeks instead of four could easily be mistaken for a miscarriage by someone who wanted to believe it. I could even imagine her trying to get pregnant during the end days of the relationship, hoping for a baby to hold things together, and whether it was a miscarriage or a late period, she was disappointed the same.
At any rate, a) asking him to pay for the therapist is excessive; and b) she needs to let go, and keeping him around paying for the therapy won’t do that.
“Fuck political correctness, and double fuck all you flippant females who think the right response to excessive PCness is to just lay down and be a doormat for people who are trying to screw with you.”
That was awesome. I totally agree with you, #88, about everything.
Vajazzling? Good lord – I’m so straight lasers use me for calibration and I find hot-glue-jeweled pussy disgusting. It would be like seeing hot-glue-jeweled rectums on gay men I suppose (which is likely to turn up any day) – is there no end to profitable narcissism?
You’re right on about WDID, Dan.
Until recently, I (as a gay dude) had no fucking clue how often women used made-up pregnancies and subsequent phantom miscarriages as ways to get attention, or to manipulate others.
Yes, I know I was naive. But what do I know about pussy? Nada.
Ladies, if you’re gonna pull that shit, or if you know someone who’s thinking about it, take some advice. Don’t. It’ll damage or destroy just about every relationship in your life, and deservedly fucking so. You’ll also just end up perpetuating misogynistic bullshit by living down to the very stereotypes that decent, honest women have been fighting against for the last hundred years.
Jesus H. Christ, if you’re so emotionally fucked up that you have to pull a stunt like that, just fucking take a Xanax like everybody else.
I think it’s hilarious that the “well, people think gay sex is gross, you hypocrite” saw is being thrown around like it means something. There’s a delightful dissonance to that argument.
He argues aesthetics, you argue social perceptions. Nobody is saying, “well, you can’t have that legal right, your vagina is gross”. Gauge your argument a little better.
I mean, fine, he doesn’t like your vagina, oh boohoo. There’s reams of letters he gets all the time that basically say uncircumcised penises are gross or awesome, fat guys are hot or ugs, etcetera.
It’s appropriate for a sex writer to explain their own personal aesthetic and sexual tastes when their column takes a decidedly unscientific slant to it, especially one peppered with a lot of humor.
Being offended that he thinks your vagina is gross is stupid.
Dude. I am a bisexual woman and my husband is a straight man. We both find vagina pretty unattractive. We love it, mostly, for what it can do. You can make girls moan, and do other fun things.
As such, we like the vagina, but it’s not the most attractive organ. It’s all pink and wrinkly. Like a hairless cat. It’s an amazing organ and it can do amazing things, but–like a spleen–it’s not pretty.
I can imagine someone who has no interest in what a vagina can do would find it repulsive. It’s only natural.
I am still a bit confused as to how “not attracted to” equates with “disgusted by”.
For instance, I have never really cared for the taste of vital wheat gluten products, so I tend not to consume them. Does that mean that I am disgusted by them? No. Does that mean that I often (if ever) take the opprotunity to menation that I am disgusted by them? Most certianly not.
I just don’t see the reason why people who are not sexually attracted to member of the opposite sex seem to be disgusted by the genitalia there of. Yes, they prefer not to interact with it, but since when does a preference for non-interaction necessitate a profession of visceral revulsion?
Man, why *wouldn’t* No Cocks be looking to start a support group?
I sometimes do and sometimes don’t (luckily, my partner and I are poly), but if I were monogamously married to a man and didn’t like it, I’d want therapy. I know Dan’s take is typically “shame on you for not revealing your sexual hangups before getting serious!” but there is so much pressure for women to fuck men even if they don’t really like it, I think the situation is a lot more nuanced than that.
I was also disappointed by Dan’s choice of the word “revolting” to describe a woman’s vagina. His whole pussy/scrotum thing is so contrived, too. I am not the PC Police, or feminazi or any of those degrading terms that people like to use when women assert themselves and stand up for themselves. I enjoy Dan’s column and podcast every week, but he needs to cut out this degrading language when referring to female genitalia.
Again, out of all the people who’ve posted saying they find Dan’s joke about vaginas being gross offensive, none of them have insisted he should be validating, worshiping, adoring, wanting to fuck, or “bronze”, vaginas. We just think it’s a bit douchey that he’d go out of his way to insult women’s genitals and call them revolting. There’s a massive chasm between calling something revolting and bowing down to worship it. Then again, maybe we’re all just deluded, whiny, humourless feminists.
And the people claiming its somehow less valid to be disgusted by the idea of homosexual sex than it is to be revolted by women’s vaginas are a real laugh too.
I don’t think he “went out of his way” at all…he was explaining why he couldn’t answer the direct question given to him with a humorous simile.
I’m a feminist, too. It has nothing to do with expecting people to have reverential – or even respectful – views of any parts of my body. I don’t care if every man on this planet finds my pussy revolting, nor if he tells me so, so long as he would be as candid and “douchey” with a man.
And, Dan would be equally as douchey to a man. Dan is often equally douchey to men.
So. What.
It’s pretty clear it is NOT just about Dan making a douchey comment. If it was, your comments would also have been filled with disdain at Dan’s douchey comments to the woman who hates dick in her pussy, or his douchey comments to the guy pining for his cheating ex, or his douchey comments to the guy with the emotional vampire ex. I don’t know how anybody who reads Savage Love could be complaining about a douchey comment because it’s practically half of the entertainment value of his material.
Amusing when it’s everybody else’s neuroses being picked at, notsomuch when it hits close to home, eh?
First time I’ve ever seen this level of b.s. from Dan Savage. Don’t his readers deserve better? I mean, we all get that you’re gay, but this advice to women (and men) is just hateful. Any woman who has ever even KNOWN someone who lost a baby would know how horrible it is, and how much a person goes through. Why the hell would someone lie about that and by the way, it’s pretty easy to find out! The automatic assumption that she’s lying, and this tool assuming that she would have wanted a damn abortion, it all makes me sick. I’m so tired of men thinking, oh, she’ll just murder her baby and we’ll just be happy and everything will be fine. And typical man, thinking only of the husband when a woman expresses genuine curiosity. Better shut down our sexuality, there would be more ass for you if we didn’t exist.
I mean, come on? You write an advice column. Rather than waxing moronic about how girls have cooties, why not give some real advice?
@ planned parenthood stat comment. Oh. M. F. G. Two percent….you know…TWO out of ONE HUNDRED? So two times out of every one hundred times, not every year. mmmmkaaay? Am I typin slow enough?
Course that would be for one couple. I’d have to see the empirical data, I mean how did they do this study that they probably didn’t do? 100 people for 365 days, two pregnancies? (which wouldn’t actually be 2% would it)? Were all variations on the theme considered. It says proper use, are these lab-controlled circumstances?
In my thirty years, I’ve heard of the condom getting stuck in the vagina, condoms breaking, rolling off because the guy was too big, sliding off because the guy was too small, snapping because the guy was too thick, being slipped off because the guy was an asshole, getting stuck because the girl was too tight or too dry, but I have never seen a girl lie about a miscarriage. Go figure.
I have held the hands of a few girls who were crying because they had a miscarriage (how do I know? I went to the hospital with her! you arseholes should try it sometime) and some guy didn’t believe them.
I have sat there with a friend who was having an abortion because she told some loser she was pregnant and he told her to “take care of it”
AND I’ve been accused of cheating when a guy (my ex husband) found out I was pregnant. I have another friend who was accused of cheating after getting pregnant by a guy who had been fixed. How did he know SHE’S not lying? The paternity test! Ugh.
But we must all be a bunch of emo, lying sluts who don’t know our ass from our teakettle enough to live our lives without some man directing our every move.
I am so glad my fiancee is not a big fat walking…..ego. Honestly :S
Krista@115 is right – it seems that many of the offended here don’t acknowledge the difference between “revolting” and “I’m revolted by”. At no point did Dan ever suggest his reaction to vagina was some reflection of objective truth. It was not even implied – at least not to anyone who wasn’t specifically looking for that interpretation.
I’m a straight girl. I like my vagina and enjoy it (no negative reinforcements here, eh?). Still, it’s not pretty. I won’t pretend it is. I prefer gazing at a nice cock and balls, uncircumcised or not.
I think that I’m comfortable enough with my canned ham that I don’t have to have a visceral reaction when a gay guy doesn’t like it. There’s nothing wrong with ANYONE stating their opinion, but Dan is being Dan and I don’t know why you guys expect anything else from him. He can be an absolute douchebag, but he’s also very thoughtful, kind, and supportive.
Gee, it’s enough to make you think Dan is a human with all the virtues and flaws that come along with the package.
I don’t understand why so many people get offended when Dan says vaginas are gross to him. As he said, it’s like asking a vegetarian what they think of a steak. I’m a meat eater, my sister is a vegetarian. I like meat, she thinks it’s gross. I know she thinks it’s gross, I don’t ask her what she thinks of meat. She knows I like meat, she doesn’t spontaneously declare that the meat I’m eating is gross. If I asked her something about how a steak was, she would tell me it was gross. Simple.
@116/117: “Why the hell would someone lie about [miscarriage] / I have never seen a girl lie about a miscarriage.”
Well, clearly, if you don’t know why someone would lie about it, and you’ve seen someone lie about, then OBVIOUSLY no one ever would.
I am well aware of how serious and traumatic a real miscarriage can be – my first wife had two of them. But I can still easily imagine someone – some emotionally disturbed or manipulative person – lying about having one. Maybe she wants attention, maybe she wants to get her boyfriend back, who knows. But it could happen.
People lie about all kinds of sick shit. Cancer is pretty serious too – I know something about that as well, as my first wife died from it. And guess what? One of our “friends” – an emotionally disturbed and manipulative person – lied about having cancer. Lied before my wife’s diagnosis, through her illness and treatment, and kept right on lying about it after she died. (And, lied about it while her own best friend’s boyfriend went through his own bout of cancer – luckily he survived.)
My point? There is nothing so sacred or important that some people won’t still lie about it, out of their own dysfunction, their own twisted needs, or their own out and out shittiness. Not saying that’s what happening here, of course, but it is well within the bounds of possibility and Dan is right to say so.
I’m confused. I’ve been going through the archives here, and frankly Dan says a *lot* of questionable and offensive things.
So why the sudden outrage over the “too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor”? It’s certainly not the worst thing he’s ever written in a column.
Echoing many of the above posters – There’s a big, big difference between saying “I am grossed out by vaginas” and saying “Vaginas are objectively gross.” Dan has over and over come out strongly in favor of cunnilingus (performed by straight men and lesbians, of course), against douching, against the hangups society has about female sexuality – seriously.
Hell, just read his first response in this column: “Pussies are powerful; they can take pummeling and spit out a brand-new human being. ” The man’s pro-choice, pro-cunnilingus, pro-equality, pro-female-sexual-empowerment; by any sane person’s definition, he’s a feminist.
I have to ask if you’re so offended by all the lesbians out there who are personally grossed out by cock. Because I think that’s a totally fair reaction.
Anyway, as someone who is very pro-pussy – both my own and that of the other lovely ladies out there – I have to say I find vajazzling fucking bizarre. Of course, I also think shaved pussies are kind of odd (and distressingly prepubescent). So maybe I’m just behind the times.
Clearly, I struck a nerve (Amanda) when I said that taking offense at Dan’s joke might give ammunition to those who find feminists humorless.
You said…
“Would a gay person who got offended by someone “joking” about how revolting and gross they think gay sex is be considered “humourless”?” (If the joke’s funny, then yes they would.)
..and…
“, maybe we’re all just deluded, whiny, humourless feminists.”
Well, if the foo shits…
Here’s the deal… a PC world is not particularly funny. Safe, maybe, but not funny. The reason Dan’s comment was okay to me was,
A) he was asked his opinion, and
B) it was funny.
Sometimes, the best humor may make some of us uncomfortable. Like Lenny Bruce. Sarah Silverman. South Park. Because the say the things people “shouldn’t” say.
Why am I, a feminist with an actual vagina, not offended by Dan’s repulsion of actual vaginas? Because I don’t care. I probably wasn’t going to date him anyway (sorry, Dan). But mostly, I guess I think it’s okay for people (even a sex columnist) to express opinions–even unpopular ones. Cause I can always stop reading what I don’t like. First Amendment, baby!
@124 Amen! Why would Dan’s opinion on lady parts matter anyway? If your doctor and sexual partners haven’t got an issue, then no amount of canned ham comments should really bother you. Unless, you know, he’s posting leaflets through your door. That would get annoying. (And would be grounds for a court case, I’d imagine.)
But that’s just me.
ggg,
I don’t wish I lived in a PC world. Like I said in my original post, I’ve noticed that joking about how gross vaginas are seems to be a running theme with gay men I know or have encountered. I’m very secure with my own vagina, but something about this topic struck a chord with me, so I decided to post my view. Among the very un-PC comedians you list, even someone like Sarah Silverman has said she draws the line at making fat jokes about women because, by her assessment, we live in a country where women already receive way too much criticism about their weight. It’s not really a matter of PC or un-PC. Sometimes you hear a joke that just seems a bit easy and kind of mean instead of funny. That’s how Dan’s joked registered with me, but you have every right to think it’s funny. To each their own.
I’m a vegetarian and sometimes vegan. Gotta say Dan, sometimes a steakhouse is the best option for folks like us, because they always have stuff like baked potatoes, sweet potatoes, veggies, fruit, salads. If I have to go out to dinner with meat-eaters, I’d much rather go to Longhorn than to Fridays or Ruby Tuesday (where everything has grilled chicken or bacon in it).
But still, I respect Dan’s personal revulsion toward vaginas. I won’t offer to show him mine. I think all penises are kind of gross, unless it happens to be the one that I am about to make use of.
It’s Savage Love, for Pete’s sake! If you don’t want to be offended, go read Abby.
@123
(Of course, I also think shaved pussies are kind of odd (and distressingly prepubescent). So maybe I’m just behind the times. )
Finally, someone who agrees with me on this. Why are people so afraid of hair down there? Are we afraid someone might confuse us with mammals?
Sorry, but if someone finds a part of the human anatomy of either gender “revolting,” it seems they need to grow the hell up. I mean, wow. Are we in fourth grade sex ed class here or what?
And yes, I have a feeling Dan was stirring shit up by the comment, but seriously. Judge people for being dumbasses, sure. Tell them their bodies are icky… HAR HAR funny, dude! Got any poop jokes while you’re at it? That stuff never gets old.
Your posts are terribly homophobic, Amanda. You go out of your way to shriek about how awful gay men are, use “people think gay sex is gross” as an example, get offended at gay men specifically and basically run us all up a flag pole.
And it seems to be an on-going battle for you.
I’m sorry that you don’t think gay men are equal to you, hopefully you’ll change.
Dan, You don’t know dick aobut having a pussy. It is OK to think pussies are icky but it is not OK to imply that having one is some sort of character defect. Thank you
I’m surprised Dan didn’t mention to NC that she might look for a guy with a chastity fetish. There are a lot of dudes who get off by having their partner deny them PIV sex and who fuck their partners with strap ons while their actual bits are safely tucked away somewhere. NC didn’t say she was into FemmeDom, but it might be where she needs to go to get what she wants.
@128
Because pubic hair is a pain in the ass. When going down on a girl, it gets in your mouth and you have to spit it out. It’s easier to keep clean (When I started shaving I stopped getting yeast infections). Also, you don’t have hair tangling around the elastic around the leg holes of your underwear.
@133
Ah the hair thing.
You know, women feeling that they must present perfectly shaved parts to their partners is kind of like our processed food epidemic. The more we eat it, the lazier we get about cooking real food. And we’re all getting fat. What?
Hair serves a purpose. It protects very senstitive parts from chaffing of clothes and skin on skin. I’ve felt the pressure to shave, but everytime I do I get those ugly bumps. Waxing does it too. I guess I’ll stick with the hair. As for shaving preventing yeast infections, that’s the first time I ever heard that one. I always found the opposite to be true. And I don’t like the feeling of my clothes right up on my bits…. I like the barrier hair provides.
@126,
“even someone like Sarah Silverman has said she draws the line at making fat jokes about women because, by her assessment, we live in a country where women already receive way too much criticism about their weight.”
But Dan wasn’t picking on fat vaginas. And again, he didn’t say vaginas were revolting. He said HE was revolted by them. Putting the onus on him. Not your vagina.
i always find it funny when gay men think that pussy is “gross”. me, i think assholes, where shit comes from, are gross.
@135 – Plus, I’m pretty sure we don’t live in a country where “women already receive way too much criticism about their vaginas.”
Oh, except for that reality show, The Biggest Labias. And all those TV and magazine models with retouched pussies giving us skewed images of what real vulvas are supposed to look like.
@ 133 – Which is why I’m all in favor of trimming. And, you know, bathing regularly. I do shave my bikini line. But shaving/waxing all over tends to lead to chafing, itchiness, and unsightly bumps. As well as looking like you haven’t yet hit puberty.
But, hey, personal tastes, I guess.
“Asking for my opinion on vajazzling, VAG, is like asking a vegan for her opinion on the wallpaper in a steak house. I’m simply too revolted by what’s on the menu to take much notice of the decor.”
Because it’s not at all annoying to meat eaters when vegans walk into steak houses and mention repeatedly how they’re “VEGAN” and therefore cannot even CONTEMPLATE the wallpaper in this repulsive house of death, right?
Vegans with manners keep that shit to themselves, which is what, as a sex columnist with a large female readership, Dan should consider doing. VAJ didn’t ask what he thought of vaginas in general, s/he asked what he thought of this fashion trend. If a vegan chooses to work for a non-vegan specific food blog and is asked a question involving meat, the vegan should either answer the question impartially, give it to someone who likes meat for them to answer, or ignore it. They shouldn’t take the opportunity to remind us yet again how repulsed they are by meat, unless they want to sound annoying and unqualified for the position.
@130, I’m not homophobic. I used the example of people joking about how grossed out they are by gay sex as an illustration of how jokingly stating your revulsion for something can come across as a pretty insensitive and even offensive sometimes. I also said I’m NOT someone who’s grossed out by gay sex. Learn to read.
Dan, I was excited to see the shirt offerings, too, until I SAW THEM. Do better.
PS my vagina is awesome even without sparkles.
Really, it is SOOOOooo pretty !
@134: Ditto.
Funny enough, the only time I’m on the side of shaving when it comes to oral sex is when we’re talking about my boyfriend’s chin. When he’s got that four-day-old stubble, it’s haaaaaarsh. Usually he can manoeuvrer just enough to avoid scrapping me, but it can be dicey.
Picking out pubes? Whatever. Sex is full of intervals … you gotta pause to adjust position, pause to move a sleeping limb, pause to rest your jaw, pause to wipe your face, pause to put on a condom. Stopping to remove a pube from your teeth is just one more thing on top of it all.
Maintaining a comfortably shaven pussy just isn’t worth it. I mean, kudos if you can deal with the upkeep, but it doesn’t balance out for me.
“vajazzling” has to be the goddamn dumbest thing I have ever heard of, both the name and the actual thing.
@139 – If a vegan chooses to work for a non-vegan specific food blog and is asked a question involving meat, the vegan should either answer the question impartially, give it to someone who likes meat for them to answer, or ignore it.
…unless the blogger writes for entertainment at least equally as much as for information, in which case there is no reason he shouldn’t be able to crack a joke about meat making him wretch.
Seriously, I’m flabbergasted that people think Dan has some sort of serious responsibility or obligation to be neutral, polite and withhold his personal opinions (but only the ones you find personally offensive, of course). He’s a sex advice columnist, not a god-damned psychologist.
@140: You’re as dumb as a post, Amanda.
Nobody is writing laws belittling women by using the vaginal aesthetic to back them up, but they are indeed writing laws by using gay sex as back up. Here’s a simple road map using your logic:
Dan dislikes the way a vagina looks -> Dan makes joke -> People are offended
People are grossed out by gay sex -> Write or ratify laws barring gays from the military, getting married, funeral rights, etc. -> ???????????????
Well, I don’t know what to put there in that row of question marks, it kinda stopped being equal to people being offended by vagina jokes pretty much immediately.
More than that, misogynist laws aren’t written by men because they hate vagina, they’re written by men because they really really REALLY looooooove vagina and want to make sure it stays co-dependent and willing and wanting.
But yes, you’re right, being offended by pussy jokes is as much a hardship as being kept out of your dying partner’s hospital room. Mea culpa.
@139 “…Because it’s not at all annoying to meat eaters when vegans walk into steak houses and mention repeatedly how they’re “VEGAN”…
that would be annoying. But if you invited the vegan to your steakhouse, you’d kinda have to expect them to be grossed out, wouldn’t you?
@134 & 138
I resent the implication that I don’t bathe or am somehow unhygienic. Some people are simply prone to them, and eating 3 cups of yogurt, bathing with special no-perfume, no dye soap twice a day and wearing 100% cotton underwear doesn’t stop them. I am also prone to bladder infections. My immune system is inferior to yours. Happy?
We also weren’t meant to wear blue jeans and underwear. When you have too much material around your groin it traps moisture and heat, which makes a yeast infection more likely. Shaving alleviates some of the problem because less moisture and heat is trapped. You could get the same effect by wearing skirts with no panties. Which, incidentally, is what most women did throughout history.
As for trimming–it makes your hair coarse. When pubic hair is long it is soft. When it is short it stands up and the blunt unnatural ends feel rough.
Red bumps don’t happen after a week. Sure it itches, but you stop getting red bumps and itching. if you keep doing it.
I’m not saying that you have to shave, and men who pressure you to shave are not right. But there are valid reasons to want to shave, and it’s not just because a woman wants to please a man
#147, I agree with you. I shave and my boyfriend does, too, because I’m easily grossed out by stray hairs in my mouth and so is he. I personally like the way natural looks, but I really hate getting hair in my mouth during oral. That’s the only reason.
I don’t get why people are so judgmental about it. When I go to The Hot House and I’m the only shaved one, I feel like people could be thinking I’m trying to look pre-pubescent or porn star-like (because I read comments like that from women on boards like this), and it’s embarrassing because it has nothing to do with that.
Yes, No Cocks, there is at least one other woman out there who enjoys sex with a man but doesn’t like being penetrated by his cock. My male lover and I have a satisfying sex life for 15 years. Oral, hands, and frottage are great for both of us, but having a cock (or anything else) in my vagina, or anything bigger than two fingers in my anus is painful and unpleasant (physically and psychologically) for me. My lover is a kind and caring man who gets no pleasure out of inflicting (or suffering) pain, and neither do I, so we don’t do things that cause either of us pain, like him putting his cock in me, or using positions that hurt his (frequently injured) knees.
I’m a frequent reader of this column, and Dan’s view seems to be that it’s perfectly normal for some gay men not to want to be penetrated by cock (not just because they’re exclusively tops, but because they don’t like anal sex at all). So why does everyone assume that all straight or bi-sexual women need to like being penetrated by cock to be “normal”. I suppose it’s helpful (although no longer necessary) if the woman wants to get pregnant, but if she doesn’t…….
@145
Not everybody who’s grossed out by gay sex is writing laws limiting the rights of gay people, or crusading against the gay community. I’m from Canada, where gay marriage is legal and (in my home province of Ontario) we’re on the verge of implementing a new sex ed curriculum for public and Catholic schools that would introduce the ideas of gay relationships and gender identities starting in grade 3. Of all the friends I grew up with and attended university with, I honestly don’t personally know anyone who opposes gay marriage, or actually believes gay people should have fewer rights than straight people. That being said, I’m sure many of my straight guy friends would be grossed out if you showed them gay male porn.
Anyway, I didn’t bring up the example of some straight people being grossed out by gay sex in order to start a game of “Who in society has it the worst” with you. You just picked one part of what I wrote and took it completely out of context, and then start name-calling on top of it. Well, I’m done.
#149: That’s two of you who have mentioned pain from penetrative intercourse. If you read No Cocks’ letter, you will notice that she says she likes dildos just fine. Her reasons are pretty clearly not your reasons.
I didn’t hear anybody say that women who have sex with men are required to like vaginal sex in order to be normal. I did hear Dan imply that it is entirely normal for hetero men to want vaginal sex, and that a healthy sex life takes into account the desires of both participants equally. That is not to say that you have to submit to something that you don’t want, but it is to say that your partner wanting it is not an unreasonable thing. If you don’t want to participate, then you either had better be damned accommodating when he gets that elsewhere, or you had better offer a damned satisfying alternative.