Where can a straight guy find a transsexual woman who is NOT a hooker and just wants to be friends (with benefits)? I know of one club where they hang, but they are mostly hookers there. I would like to go someplace where I could meet one and see if we could hit it off and go from there. I know they are out there, but I just can’t find them! Help a brother out! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!

Lonely Tranny Lover

If what you’re looking for is a transsexual who’ll allow you to fuck her—or who’ll fuck you—but who won’t require you to have an actual relationship with her, LTL, then you’ll have to pay some nice woman for her time and her emotional distress, like all the other straight guys out there into MTFs. Why do they have to pay? Because, LTL, it’s kinda shredding to sexually service someone who’s embarrassed to be seen in public with you. Just ask any openly gay man dating a closet case and/or a Catholic priest, or any BBW sleeping with a man who’s married to a rail-thin trophy wife he isn’t physically attracted to. Someone who puts up with that kind of bullshit—”You blow me, I blow you off”—should be compensated for her time, pain, and suffering.

It’s nice that you’re willing to be friends with the transsexual you’re fucking, LTL—that puts you above most straight-identified men who are into trans women. But most trans women, hookers or not, want more than that. They want love, companionship, intimacy, and a commitment—you know, all that shit non-trans women want. Be open to an actual relationship, LTL, and you’ll have an easier time finding a non-pro who’s open to you.

I’m a 24-year-old straight female in a relationship. The sex is great, except for one thing: My boyfriend is so fucking quiet while we are having sex. No words, no moans, a stone-cold facial expression. I know he is enjoying himself because he always comes and he initiates sex as often as I do. However, his stoic demeanor makes it hard for me to really get into stuff that isn’t directly pleasurable for me. It’s hard to be motivated to choke on someone’s cock when they look and act like they can’t even feel anything.

I’ve mentioned this to him several times after sex, and he just laughs it off and then says something like “Do you expect me to scream like a girl?” I’ve told him that that’s not at all what I expect. I just want some sign of life! One time, I purposely remained completely silent during an orgasm, like he does, and he became very self-conscious. He didn’t believe me when I told him I came, and I asked him how he likes it when I’m quiet. He thought this was funny, and then things went back to normal.

Why is he so quiet? What can I do?

We’re Not In The Library

Stop treating this like it’s a problem, WNITL, even if you experience it that way, and start treating it like a challenge and a game.

Give him a blowjob, choke on that cock, bring him right to the edge, then pull his cock out of your mouth and say, “Do you like that? Are you close? You want me to keep going?” Then look up at him and slowly stroke his cock—not fast enough to get him off, but not so slowly that you’ll have to start that blowjob all over again—and wait for his response. When he says something, his dick goes back in your mouth. When he stops talking, his dick comes back out. Or if he’s fucking you and he’s getting close, wrap your legs around his ass and pull him in and hold him there so he can’t thrust. Then say, “Feel good? Getting close? Wanna finish?” Don’t let him budge until he talks; don’t let him continue if he stops talking.

Be playfully, sexily confrontational, WNITL, and you’ll be able to extract the feedback you want during sex while helping him get over his insecurities about how men are supposed to act during sex.

My boyfriend/fiancé likes to be put in a cage, and we have a very scary-looking cage in my closet. (God help me if my mother ever finds it—I’ll be in more trouble than that guy whose mother found his life-size sex doll!) His biggest turn-on is to come home on Friday night, go right into his cage, and for me to keep him there until Sunday morning. I only let him out if he needs to have a bowel movement or if I want to screw. (There’s a bottle of water in his cage if he gets thirsty and an empty bottle if he needs to pee, and he doesn’t get fed much because he’s not exactly burning calories in there.)

I’ve been reading your column since I was 19 (I’m 27 now), I’m GGG, and I’m happy to do this for my boyfriend. And knowing he’s in there waiting for me—and doing crunches to pass the time (you should see his abs!)—does make me horny, too. The issue: I won’t leave our apartment when he’s locked up. What if there’s a fire? Or we get burgled? Or if there’s a meteor strike? Or a terrorist attack? He says I’m being paranoid and that it really turns him on to know that I’m out with my girlfriends, having drinks or whatever, while he’s locked up in my closet “with the rest of my things.” Who’s in the right here?

My Boyfriend Is My Prisoner

P.S. Our only other conflict: He insisted we find a place with two closets, one of them walk-in, because he wants to be stored in my closet, not a shared closet, “with the rest of my things.” (That phrase really turns him on—he’s one of my things!) We passed on some beautiful apartments because the closets weren’t perfect, and my mom—who helped with the down payment and apartment-shopped with us—thought we were crazy. If only she knew!

You’re in the right, MBIMP. If there’s a fire or a burglary or meteor strike—or if you get hit by a car and wind up in a coma for three months and he slowly starves to death in your apartment—then you could go to jail for manslaughter and/or negligent homicide. So that fiancé thing of yours shouldn’t be left alone when he’s in his cage; no one should ever be left alone tied up and/or imprisoned. If he insists on you going out on a cage weekend, MBIMP, then you’ll have to hire a sitter—bondage, not baby. Take out a personal ad, lay out what you need (someone to be there, in case something happens, but that’s all), and very, very carefully interview applicants. Better yet, get involved with your local BDSM group, make some kinky friends, and see if anyone is up for a little bondagesitting.

Or, hey, you can live a little dangerously: Give your boyfriend a cell phone, don’t go far, and instruct your prisoner to call if he smells smoke while he’s doing his crunches.

A PROGRAMMING NOTE: Lots of folks have asked me where my iPhone app is. Well, I didn’t have one—until now. The Savage Love iPhone app has been submitted to Apple. Will they accept it? Or will it be too porny for Steve Jobs? Stay tuned.

mail@savagelove.net

93 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. @19: MBIMP could try a hybrid approach. If she’s home, no key. If she’s going out, she leaves a key where he can get it in an emergency. Once in a while, she “goes out” and “forgets” to leave the key, and just reads a book on the couch.

    The key (so to speak) will be to strike a balance with how big of a deal leaving the key behind is. Make it enough of a big deal that he’ll notice when she “forgets” but not so big a deal that “forgetting” is out of character and he figures out that she’s not actually leaving.

    Of course, this doesn’t preclude other options, like hiring a sitter.

  2. Can someone help me out here. I’m confused by the first letter…the strait guy wants to hook uo with a trans woman…but if she’s a trans woman wouldn’t she identify with being male and look/dress male? Do I have that right?

  3. I haven’t even finished the column, just the first letter, but I had to stop and say, Dan, I love you.

    From a ‘tranny’s’ mom.

  4. Talking and Noise while doing it is like sex with 3 pigs. One talked to much and was a turn off. One was to quiet and it was hard to tell if he was turned on. But the pig who said everything just right squealed all night long. Or am I thinking of Goldilocks and the 3 bears?

  5. @53 – a transwoman is a transsexual woman, or male-to-female transsexual. She was born biologically male but identifies as a woman.

  6. @53 exactly backwards, the gender after the “trans” is how trans folk identify, not the anatomy they were born with.

    And adding to the many safety suggestions for MBIMP, I like the idea if a secure door on the cage, but an entire cage wall should be able to be kicked loose with ease. This helps keep the illusion intact, but leaves options in case something bad happens.

  7. Android app! Please make an Android app, too! 😀

    Regarding the silent boyfriend, I agree with what someone said above: it’s possible that the feelings are so intense to him, he is completely focussed on the sensations, and his seemingly blank look is actually one of profound concentration. I also agree, though, that the girlfriend should just be straightforward: “I find your silence during sex distracting and uncomfortable, and it would really turn me on if you’d let your face/voice loosen up.”

    As for the caged fiancée, I support erring on the side of caution. I like the cell phone idea, though, since he’d at least have access to 911 in a very worst case scenario.

  8. MBIMP must use a fail-safe strategy like #44’s: a simple tamper-evident nearby key/lock arrangement, even if only based on a strip of paper she’s signed and dated. Technological solutions are not solutions at all, and even if she’s only around downstairs, something could go tragically wrong: dreadful for him to hear her calling for help but be unable to escape!

    I think the ‘sometimes forget the key’ idea is particularly dangerous: she really might forget the key on the one day he needs it, and he won’t think to ask. Even if he’s ‘just one of her things’ she would want him in good condition.

    WNITL – I’m a silent type, feeling very self-conscious if I try to make noise. My wife is very vocal, and struggles to keep it in even when politeness says she might want to. I know she likes me being noisier (and talking dirty) so I do try, but it feels… fake, even kinda dishonest.

  9. I don’t think Dan’s advice to WNITL is very helpful & would ultimately result in long tiresome games that aren’t worth the time & effort. His “do you want me to scream like a girl?” comment raises a serious red flag, and I agree w/#48 that she should tell him if he doesn’t start addressing this she’s gonna look elsewhere.

    Of course it largely depends on how important this is to her when held against the other facets of the relationship, but it seems to be important enough that he needs to at least take it seriously, which he doesn’t seem interested in doing, & it seems to me she can do better elsewhere.

  10. . . . .”fiance-thing”. Hehheh. That’s funny.

    Chacun a son gout, but I can’t imagine a lifetime with something I had to keep in a cage every weekend. Lots of lonely picnics, parties, movies, protest marches, dumpster diving, little chic lunches . . .

    And I think it’s cheating to let him out to make doodoo. I mean, what’s a cage if you have access to a flush toilet? Grow a pair.

  11. @41

    I think the problem is that there’s always going to be some guys who like girls (or guys) who they would not want to be associated with liking. As Dan noted, it’s like someone who really legitimately likes BBW, but doesn’t want all his friends knowing that he likes big butts and he cannot lie.

    In this case, it’s especially bad, because there’s much more about trans-women that makes society writ large a bit squeamish. There is, at least, some support for liking BBW (or nerdy girls, or redheads, ect.) but it’s pretty rare for a guy who likes trans-women to either be open about it, or try to justify it. There are some fetishes that we’re open (or at least more open) about, and some that we hide in the deep, dark, corners and try to both fulfill and keep under wraps.

    I intend no offense, but it’s a bit like being into furries or ABDL, or any of the other more “out there” kinks; things so far outside the mainstream that most people would (at best) look at you like you’re insane. I’m not sure how to get rid of the stigma there.

    But, here’s the other part of the issue (as I see it): he may be going after trans-women because he doesn’t see it as being necessary to do anything beyond FWB. In the same way that some portion of chubby-chasers (I may argue most, but that’s for another time) go after their target demographic due to a perception that it’s easier to get them into bed, perhaps men who fetishize trans-women do it because they think it’s either (a) easier, and (b) requires/allows less investment than with a “real” woman.

    @48

    Speaking as a guy who’s mostly quiet during sex, I think it’s just a different standard. Rather than being judgmental, though, I think that Dan’s advice is correct, with a slight modification.

    The problem is that we don’t really know what WNITL is looking for, and her boyfriend is assuming she means she wants some sort of noise like “Mmm, oh, god, aaah”. Gutteral moans and grunts. Dan’s advice, though, would work if what she’s looking for is (essentially) dirty talking.

    That said, if she went to the boyfriend and asked it differently (not just “can you make more noise”, but “can you tell me you’re enjoying it, I really like it when you talk dirty to me”), she might get a different reaction. Moaning and panting might rub her fellow the wrong way, but telling her that it feels good, and how much he loves it when she does x,y, or z, might be more up his alley.

    I know, for instance, that I would have a hell of a time trying to moan or pant, or whimper, or scream during sex. But, I’ve always been happy to extol the virtues of my girlfriend’s actions, telling her how good it feels, how beautiful she looks doing it, ect.

    @60

    I’m not sure we can assume it’s selfishness or a lack of desire on his part. And, holy crap, when did “I’m gonna cheat on you” become a legitimate bargaining position? Jesus, are we really that jaded about relationships that we’re so quick to jump to ultimatums and threats? “Give me what I want, or I’m going to get it from someone else” is more likely to backlash with most people.

    But, consider how she presented it. Most vanilla guys would naturally think “making noise” takes the form that they hear women engage in during sex (or, at least, the stereotype); squirming, gasping, moaning, whimpering. The fact that he doesn’t realize that she’s probably looking for something more along the lines of dirty talk doesn’t make him a villain.

    Before we advocate “give up on him, he’s not taking you seriously”, perhaps we should advocate her presenting it to him in a way that will make sense to him.

  12. She locks him up until Sunday morning? What happens on Sunday morning?

    Jesus F. Christ, religionists sure are bizarre. Is it too late to not put them in charge of anything?

  15. WNITL here, he is not lazy in bed and does exhibit non audible reactions to playing around such as biting, hair pulling, etc. he talks dirty when we’re not actually having sex, but when when we talk about past or future sex. he’s from ireland. i think the idea of being stoic as a male trait may be a cultural thing? but good point with the concentration thing- i realized that i am naturally quiet as well but sometimes play into the noise making to add to the experience and to communicate what feels good to me.

  18. OK About tranny Lovers : what is the point? are we talking chicks with dicks? If so, fine that I can see; you want both. But what is the point of dating a former man with a post op cooze ?The knowledge that they were(are?) men even if they no longer are ,visually? Im serious when I hear about tranny chasers I wonder what type of tranny’s and why. I apologize for my ignorance in advance?
    —Flyover GUY

  20. 2 things for the last lady… get a copy of Gerald’s Game and peruse, then rehearse the phrase… “It’s a gun-safe,” over and over.

  21. Regarding MBIMP’s issue:
    I have to second all the emergency-out options for the cage itself. From my limited D/S newbie knowledge, I’ve at least heard of one box (as the producer called it) that had not just one, but two ways for the occupant to escape. I imagine that if the releases, devices, keys, and so on are cleverly placed, then it won’t hamper the experience much, if at all. It would really, really suck to be that one funny but sad entry in a news blotter. Who seriously wants to be the guy that dies as a consequence of Play?

    At the very least, key under the flower pot. That’s the kind of thing I would do.

  22. WNITL didn’t just say that her bf is silent, but that his face also shows no expression. I’ve dated two men like this. Nothing in their facial expression ever indicated pleasure, although they certainly wanted sex often enough. I found it unnerving to fuck someone who just watched me expressionlessly – made me feel like some kind of experiment being dispassionately observed by a scientist…”She moaned when I moved like that… fascinating…” It’s like screwing a robot. I’ve been with quiet guys who still smiled, got some raunchy look on their face, or at least contorted a little when something felt particularly great. But nothing? No sound, no expression? It left me flat and made me much less interested in having sex, or trying particularly hard to please my man. A lot of the enjoyment of sex is getting positive feedback that what you are doing is pleasing your partner. So this guy is getting lots of feedback and gratification from his girl, and she gets nothing from him to indicate that she’s pleasing him, other than an orgasm. Which he could do on his own. Because WNITL says her bf became self conscious and uncomfortable when she decided to clam up during sex, my guess is this is a control issue for her bf. He likes being the orchestrator of sex and getting the self-affirmation of seeing that he was successful in pleasing his partner, but he doesn’t feel any need to give her the same kind of affirmation. At least, that was the case with the two guys I dated like that. Eventually I stopped fucking them. WNITL should, too.

  23. WNITL didn’t just say that her bf is silent, but that his face also shows no expression. I’ve dated two men like this. Nothing in their facial expression ever indicated pleasure, although they certainly wanted sex often enough. I found it unnerving to fuck someone who just watched me expressionlessly – made me feel like some kind of experiment being dispassionately observed by a scientist…”She moaned when I moved like that… fascinating…” It’s like screwing a robot. I’ve been with quiet guys who still smiled, got some raunchy look on their face, or at least contorted a little when something felt particularly great. But nothing? No sound, no expression? It left me flat and made me much less interested in having sex, or trying particularly hard to please my man. A lot of the enjoyment of sex is getting positive feedback that what you are doing is pleasing your partner. So this guy is getting lots of feedback and gratification from his girl, and she gets nothing from him to indicate that she’s pleasing him, other than an orgasm. Which he could do on his own. Because WNITL says her bf became self conscious and uncomfortable when she decided to clam up during sex, my guess is this is a control issue for her bf. He likes being the orchestrator of sex and getting the self-affirmation of seeing that he was successful in pleasing his partner, but he doesn’t feel any need to give her the same kind of affirmation. At least, that was the case with the two guys I dated like that. Eventually I stopped fucking them. WNITL should, too.

  25. @69–I assume that the letter writer meant a completely post-op transexual, so a person who looks more or less biologically feminine (so no, not a ‘chick with dick’).
    As to why, it depends. It could be the thrill of being with someone who is straddling genders. It could be morbid curiosity (though I doubt it, if the advice seeker would go the trouble of wanting any sort of relationship). It could be that he feels that a tranny has perspective on gender issues that other partners lack. It could be that he is a closet transexual himself.
    There are a lot of reasons for sexual attraction and sometimes no reason that one can pinpoint–it just is. Sometimes there is no “point” to sexual desire. It just exists.

  26. Hi, I’m a huge fan Dan, but your advice to wnitl is extremely wide of the mark, imho.

    To wnitl, you’re not dating an Englishman are you? 🙂

    I’m English and almost silent (bar a bit of growling), and I’m convinced that all the wailing and moaning people do is because that’s what they’ve seen on porn. If your man is quiet, it’s probably because that’s what he likes, and instead of listnening to Dan’s assumptions about how he’s repressed, how about considering why you can’t just accept his word when he says he enjoys sex with you? Sounds like if anyone’s insecure, it’s you, not him.

    As for all that teasing stuff Dan advises, that would get a girl dumped instantly if she tried it on me. I may be quiet, but I’m also sexually dominant and a bit of a brute.

  27. MBIMP- stop putting up with so much. He says he wants to be controlled and be one of your things, but he is controlling you and your weekend, WTF? Your BF wants/needs control. (Maybe even a spanking? hehehe) And, he needs to understand that you are not his hand maid and he will be getting out of his cage and doing things to make your life better ASAP. (for instance, cleaning etc… and as needed, being an errand boy.) There are plenty of symbolic bondage items like cuffs or harness that he can wear, under his clothes as needed (at your discretion, not his!). Then he can go in his cage. Make him earn the privilege of using the bathroom without a chamber pot. Definitely make him earn sex.
    (and I really liked the idea of keeping the glitter coated key by his cage)

  28. Library, maybe that’s just how your guy likes to concentrate on his pleasure. Mine is pretty quiet as well – but there’s no doubt he likes it! Would I like him to make a bit more noise? Well, yes, but I’d also like a BMW 325i, a 5-bedroom house with a pool and a weekend with “Big” from Sex and the City (since I’m wishing, I liked him as Logan in Law and Order better) – it doesn’t mean I have to have those things to be satisfied with life.

    What Dan’s suggesting is very controlling and, if someone did that to me, I’d DTMF so quickly he’d barely have time to get his shoes on. This sounds to me like your problem, not his.

  30. Mort,

    Showing appreciation is not “extra” or something people do because they watch porn. It’s natural, and expected. Let’s put this into perspective:

    How would you feel if you gave someone a present, and they didn’t smile, say thank-you, or react at all? If you ask them, point blank, they say “Yes, I like it.”

    I’d stop giving them gifts!

    If someone wanted me to give them gifts, and reacted like that, there would be something wrong with them, not me.

    I’m not asking you to jump up and down and scream when you get a gift from me. I am asking you to smile and say “thank-you,” or “I appreciate this.”

    And that’s what wnitl wanted. She wasn’t asking him to scream. She was just a little put off by the no smiling, or showing appreciation at all.

    It’s rude, ungrateful, and there is something wrong with him if he thinks being polite is somehow unmasculine.

  31. @77, it’s really funny because I’ve been thinking while I read all these comments that the guys who are “stone cold silent” during sex get that from mainstream porn- where ime guys hardly ever make noise, or they make, at most, grunts and comments. Sort of like “men don’t react with extreme pleasure”.

    I think it’s unfair of you to assume that just because you’re not a noise-maker other people aren’t really either. Everybody’s different, but I think intense sensation brings out a desire to make noise in most of us. Stepping on a tack, for instance, most people will react vocally. And as a doula, I will note that there is a wide range of variation in women’s noises during birth. Some women scream and holler. Some are stone cold silent, totally focused elsewhere. Some bleat! I would argue that natural birth is far less culturally influenced than sex noises are, simply because most people don’t know what birth looks like.

    That being said, I will say it’s unnerving to be the partner of the silent guy. I used to accuse my ex of being a sex ninja. I think in the end it’s not about them being appreciative or not, but just another incompatibility that either you suck up or move on.

  32. @82
    I think that you might be onto something! I think that its funny that when you look at armature porn like Xtube you see a lot more vocal guys. (which may I add is a heck of a lot hotter!)

    I know personally that I find it less then engaging and to be a turn off if my guy is not particularly vocal and is instead silent. I want to hear them, and hear that they are enjoying them selves. It’s not like one has to be a police siren or something but don’t act like your in a library other wise you are going to kill the mode!(as I can’t imagine any being that silent all the way threw sex!!)

  33. I agree with #82. You’re not “supposed” to be loud or quiet or anything – people are just different in the ways they experience sexual pleasure. People are also different in what turns them on in bed. I’m pretty loud, and I prefer that my partner be vocal as well…not necessarily loud, but moaning or grunting or something. Then there are people like #80 who prefer their men silent. It’s just another one of those things that you have to recognize as an incompatibility and try to work on.

    It can be pretty fun to try and coax a sound out of a silent type…but it’s also fun to try and keep a screamer silent! My ex was a very tender lover, but sometimes I like it rough. He tried to accommodate me, but he was uncomfortable with hurting me, though I asked him to. Once, we were having sex in his parents house (with very thin walls) and I was doing my best to keep quiet, but sometimes sounds escape. He kept telling me to try to be quieter, then all of a sudden, he put his hand hard over my mouth and gave me this look, like “if you make one more sound, you’ll regret it.” Hottest look ever.

  34. @ 77 I’m a screamer — or a “wailer and a moaner”, if you prefer — and I don’t watch porn. So much for that theory.

  35. @ 84… when he covers your mouth…

    it’s not the “if you make one more sound, you’ll regret it”…

    it’s the “you will do as i say” look when he tells me to be quiet that is the hottest look ever… so Dom-like, take control, Alpha-male, sexually erotic look that makes you want to yell “OMG fuck me”, but then, …ooops, no yelling!

  37. to ltl – if you’re nice, pleasant, flirty-without-being-creepy, and just basically make yourself good company (and a good bed partner) to enough ladyboys who’s services you pay for, eventually you may run across one that genuinely finds you attractive enough to see outside of work. if you get this vibe, try carrying on a conversation with her after the sexytime is over – if she lets it drag on (thus missing valuable customer time/off-work time just to chat with you) there’s a good chance she’d consider meeting up after work hours. make a date, even if it’s a stay at home date if you’re not down with being seen in public with her. ladyboys get lonely too! and i’m guessing most of them are used to the whole closet-case thing, and are willing to deal with it if they like you enough. the crucial factor is that there’s a genuine connection between you and her, that you have something to talk about besides sex, like each others company, etc… it might take a few paid sessions to work up to this point, as they probably have to fend off cheapskates looking for freebies on a regular basis…

    but it can happen – i’m speaking from experience, and in my case i think everyone concerned was pretty happy with the fwb thing while it lasted.

  38. oh, wait – you said you didn’t want a hooker. i’d say that one’s gonna be harder, for sure. it’s a cliche but you might try going to every hair salon in a big city like san francisco, la, new york etc, and become a regular at the one with the trans girl who makes eyes at you?

    i’m not just saying that cause of the crying game lol

  40. I see the Savage Love iPhone app, but where’s the HD ipad version? We need Dan in HD! Don’t leave us iPad users out in the cold!

  41. Good advice for WNITL, Dan.

    Honestly, WNITL—is it really so bad to have a quiet partner? “The sex is great–he just doesn’t scream like a banshee and wake the neighborhood”? Is he showing signs of pleasure? Is he into satifying your sexual needs? Is he hard? Is he coming like a gorilla and seeing stars?

    Count your blessings.

  42. MBIMP- I’d be happy to bondage sit for a small hourly fee. 23 yr old female fairly new to the fetish world, and understands the importance of secrecy…

  43. Grizelda where did you read ‘the sex is great he just doesn’t scream like a banshee?’
    He’s obviously NOT showing signs of pleasure and therefore NOT satisfying her sexual needs. Being hard is not enough.
    How the F would you know he’s coming like a gorilla- and how would she???
    I’m dating the same guy- tonight. I think Dan was off on this one.
    dtmf

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