Ever since hearing you say on your podcast that all men use porn, I have had a burning question: What about us women? If all men get a pass to have this whole other sex life, which is (mostly) external to their partnerships and is sexually satisfying, then all women should have a pass as well. Ideally, it would be a pass to enjoy something universally arousing to all women, something that would sexually satisfy us, but it wouldn’t be something that turns most men on, perhaps it might even repulse them. If there were something that met my criteria, I wonder how it would play out in our relationships? Also, I am not sure what it could be, as women are a little bit more complicated.
Desires Erotic Balance
Something women enjoy but men do not… something erotic… something that repulses most men…
Cupcakes?
The now-ubiquitous cupcake isn’t explicitly sexual, I realize, but our culture does encourage people—women in particular—to sublimate their erotic desires by stuffing their faces with food. And most of those squat, round, and pink-frosted things look, to my jaded eyes, like so many squat little cocks, DEB, so many growers-not-showers with pink sprinkles, and most of those cupcocks are inhaled by women. So, cupcakes.
But if cupcakes don’t do it for you, DEB, then how about a free pass to enjoy, eyedunno, maybe porn?
“We’re actually in the middle of a porn-for-women revolution as millions—yes, millions—of women are loudly, even proudly, proclaiming their interest in porn,” says Violet Blue, author, blogger, activist, and tireless foe of antiporn boneheads everywhere. If you were reading Blue’s blog—www.tinynibbles.com—you would know that one out of every three consumers of internet porn are female, according to a Nielsen NetRatings report released in 2007.
“What’s interesting isn’t just the growing number of women using porn,” says Blue, “it’s that they’re doing exactly what DEB suggests. It’s part of their own private sex lives that are mostly external to their relationships.”
What women have lacked up to now is the same “free pass” men enjoy.
“Guys are encouraged to have this other sex life with porn,” says Blue, “that’s seen as normal and healthy. But despite the numbers, our culture is having a hard time admitting that women like porn. Antiporn feminists ignore the female viewer. The only people, besides Oprah, acknowledging the female viewer are the antiporn Christians who see it (and female masturbation) as a disease they can cure!”
Blue directs female porn consumers to Our Porn, Ourselves (www.ourpornourselves.org).
“On OPO, women are talking about liking all kinds of porn, even stuff that goes too far for some guys,” says Blue. “Women are making each other feel comfortable about their newfound access to porn, openly having their desire to watch sex (and jack off to it) validated the same way that guys do.”
I am a man who has been in an open marriage for 10 years. My wife dates men on her own, and I get to enjoy the occasional threesome with her and one of her partners. (We had no luck dating women or couples.) The problem is, she is clearly more interested in “her” dates than in “ours,” probably because the hotter guys are more interested in her alone than in us together. My wife is GGG, but it is hard for her to persuasively feign interest in the guys who are interested in us both. And it is frankly depressing to watch her go through the motions with one of “ours.”
Does being GGG require her to be a good actress, or does it require me to pretend that I believe her when she claims she enjoys the three-ways we have together?
Is This A Silly Problem?
This isn’t a silly problem. You’re not happy, which means your relationship isn’t working, which means it’s time to renegotiate terms: Tell the wife to stop fucking other people for a while. (And, yes, you should have the authority to do that—both partners in an open relationship should be able to call a time-out.) If your wife balks, concede that you’re asking her to pass up on some opportunities for hot sex. Then remind her that you’re the guy she married, that you’re the guy she’s hoping will stick around once hot guys aren’t lining up to get in her pants anymore, and that there will still be hot guys out there who want to fuck a year from now.
While you’re not fucking other people, fuck each other, fuck a lot, work to reestablish your sexual connection.
Then when you’re ready to start fucking other people again—and you’re not ready until you’re both ready—your wife should agree that over the next year she will fuck only guys who are interested in fucking you both. That’s going to mean passing up on some hot guys who are only into her, of course, but that’s a sacrifice she should be willing to make in order to save her marriage. It also means that she’ll have to work harder to find hot guys who are into you both—do whatever you can to help—but she’s likelier to make that extra effort if it’s the only way she gets to fuck a hot guy who isn’t her husband.
Hopefully by the time your three-way-or-the-highway year is up, ITASP, you’ll have a few regular thirds on deck—hot guys who are into you both, guys your wife won’t have to pretend with—and then she can do some solo adventuring without shredding your self-esteem in the process.
What is your favorite kink? What fucked-up thing does Dan Savage get up to?
Nosy Reader
My kinks aren’t interesting, NR, and my marriage vows specifically forbid me from disclosing that sort of information.
Here’s something interesting: “A Palestinian man has been convicted of rape after having consensual sex with a woman who had believed him to be a fellow Jew,” the Guardian reported last week. After the dude “introduced himself as a Jewish bachelor seeking a serious relationship,” the two “had consensual sex in a nearby building.” The woman went to the cops to report that she had been raped only after she learned that the man wasn’t Jewish.
Now I don’t think there’s anything wrong with fucking the shit out of a guy you’ve only just met (that’s how I met my husband), but I gotta say: When we have consensual sex with strangers—when we go to “a nearby building” with someone we’ve only just met—we’re not just taking a chance on a person we know very little about. We’re taking a chance on our own bullshit detectors. And no one’s bullshit detectors are 100 percent accurate. So someone who can’t bear the thought of accidentally fucking an Arab or a Republican or a married man or a guy who makes less than $250,000 a year really has no business fucking strangers. That person owes it to himself/herself to get to know people a bit better before visiting any nearby buildings with them.
Not because it’s okay to lie. But because people do lie.
I’ll never think of cupcakes in the same way again…
For ITASP–I’d also consider the idea that the wife likes the men who are into fucking her because it’s not the hot sex she likes, but the ego boost. So when a guy is into the threesome and not just her, she doesn’t get the rush. Sounds like she could be getting off on flattery. I’ve known quite a few women who are guilty of just that.
The cupcake letter is very interesting because this very morning as I was driving to work, one of the local radio station dee-jays brought up the idea that romantic comedies are to women what porn is to men. The argument he made (and that the two other males agreed with) was that porn gives men unrealistic expectations about sex, while rom-coms give women unrealistic expectations about relationships. Being a women, this completely infuriated me. I would take a porn over a rom-com anyday, but that isn’t even the point – anyone who looks at porn and thinks that’s what sex will always be like is an idiot. And anyone who watches a romantic comedy and thinks that’s what their relationship will be like is an idiot – male or female! When are we going to drop these gender stereotypes and just let people be people?
Oh boy, here comes another debate between anti-porn and pro-porn women for the ‘right’ to irrefutably characterize the female gender. But the debate will be weighted unfairly, as most pro-porn women will be occupied with the link above.
Ahh, that was a bit to cheeky. Good column as usual. Love hearing from Violet Blue. And the link above is more educational than explicit; she is trying to challenge the same tired old anti-porn mantras with modern facts.
Universally arousing to women, repulses most men = Romance Novels.
You already have societal permission to indulge, Dan’s permission is just icing. (so to speak)
First intelligent response I’ve heard so far concerning the Arab “rapist”. Thanks for that!
And as for porn for us ladies — I’m 24 and have been enjoying it since I was about 12 (all of it guy-on-guy, by the way). And every girl I know has dabbled in it or steadily consumed it since adolescence as well. The fact that women as a whole still think it’s odd or even funnier, rebellious, need to wake the fuck up. And porn in the form of the written word counts too, girls — just because our imagination is a little more vivid doesn’t get us off the hook.
Ugh, forget the romance novels and go for the erotica! I don’t really dig seeing strangers have sex, but I have been happily reading steamy steamy stories since I was a teen — and writing them too. There are a million places to go online, and plenty of other women who’d also rather read sex than watch sex.
Haven’t there been some studies about how many women read erotica rather than watch porn? I personally know of one women *ahem* who started reading a filthy sex advice column when she was 12 in order to get off, and then would read all the x-matches afterwards to see if there were any local people into the disgusting kinks mentioned in said column.
I wonder how many Savage Love readers are masterbating to Savage Love. And does that creep Dan out, or make him happy?
Romance novels? Arousing? Maybe Kushiel’s Dart, if that even counts. (I don’t really think it does, personally; it has a solid, interesting, and tightly woven plot.) But me and every female friend that I’ve talked to about romance novels just laughs at them.
More likely? Yaoi fanfiction. It’s by no means universal, but in my friendship groups, that’s what women turn to, and it repulses most men.
But it’s porn, too, so maybe that rules it out?
@9 Romance novels (Danielle Steele) … that was exactly what I thought. Generally women like them, men turn their noses up at it. And it satisfies a sexual / romantic desire in women.
I thought everyone loved porn. I love porn. Also erotica, and cupcakes. I’ve never masturbated to Savage Love though.
That woman humiliated Jewish women everywhere. She cannot be all that religious if she is having premarital sex with a stranger. I understand having a preference for fellow Jews, but accusing someone of rape is not a joke, and in this case, complete bullshit.
I have a hard time believing one out of every three customers of online porn is female. And even if that is true, I’d like to see the data on hours/dollars spent. I think it still skews hugely male.
@Learned Hand: Romance novels?!? Eew…
@Dan: Cupcakes, mmmm…but a bit fattening in excess.
@namae natne iranai: um, excuse me while I google Yaoi non-fiction…
Can’t there be shades of gray to the whole porn thing? I’m a feminist. I am by no means anti-porn. But I do feel like SOME porn is problematic, in the way it creates unrealistic expectations of female beauty (anal bleaching and labiaplasty anyone?) and how a lot of straight porn seems to hinge on the objectification of women. Once a clip leans towards the more misogynistic side, it ceases to be hot to me, but I’m not trying to say that people aroused by that kind of thing are gross. I’m saying that there are teenagers, male and female, whose ideas and expectations about sex, and their roles in sex, develop while watching porn; some of them don’t have awesome parents or good sex ed or access to this column, making porn a pretty big influence. And we can’t pretend we don’t live in a society that degrades women. Porn is not the cause, but maybe deeply misogynistic porn is both the result of a woman-hating culture and one of the things that helps to perpetuate it? Maybe that will change as the number of women admitting to watching porn increases. It’s complicated. Dear porn lovers and/or feminists: just think it over.
@12 It’s not really about religion. It’s pretty much like a white woman who had sex with a black guy in Jim Crow era Alabama and then complained she was raped out of lover’s remorse (like buyer’s remorse for fucking). She is a member of the privileged class, made a regrettable sexual decision, and now is calling “backsies” and if a pleb gets his life ruined, who cares? He’s just an Arab, anyways.
Written word porn! Yes! Men (most, not all) like to look; women (most, not all) like to imagine. Rom-coms? Ick, and yawn! Cupcakes? Yum! Of course, my husband happens to love cupcakes!
Romance novels have plenty of sex, but I’ll take a nice naughty erotic short story any day. And yeah, I prefer my erotica, written or visual, to have a modicum of a plot. And for the sex to make sense in context. Yeah — I’m picky. I’m also old and set in my tastes. Sort of!
You’re obsessed with that Butch Bakery, aren’t you Dan?
I absolute believe that one third of porn consumers are women. I am one of them. The internet has provided a free pass for all of us who do…no having to enter a XXX shop on my own, dealing with creeping leering looks form strange men. Plus the variety and ease of access to one’s particular tastes is spectacular!
Waitaminute waitaminute waitaminute…
DEB’s request is totally off-base. Men (most men. I think.) don’t like porn because they desire some sort of “free pass” away from their partner, they like porn because they like having sex a lot… no, scratch that… they like to orgasm a lot. Porn isn’t some trick or deception men (most men) use to sneak away from their partner, they do it because they probably believe (and rightly so) that they would drive their partner crazy if they asked them to constantly do new shit to get them to orgasm quickly.
Porn for men is relief. Not some kind of pleasurable spa-massage vacation. They load it up, jerk off, and get on with the rest of their day.
Women, if they NEED to have something similar, should feel more than welcome to have a “free pass” on something that they really really want and that their partner does for them out of love but maybe doesn’t always love doing themselves. If that’s cupcakes, fine. If it’s porn, fine. If it’s a spa-massage day, fine. Whatever. But to imply that men have some “special privilege” in getting a free pass with porn and they want that special privilege too? I resent that. Having a super high sex drive is not always a huge benefit. In fact, for many people, it’s a huge detriment. Porn is the poor-man’s way of getting that “benefit” taken care of. It’s nothing to envy.
And… rant done.
I’m all for removing the whole society taboo of women being into porn. I think the problem isn’t women being into porn, though; I think it’s the fact that most porn seems to be aimed specifically toward men. I think I can probably count on one hand any porns I’ve seen that involve someone who looks like they enjoy going down on a woman. Juxtapose that to the number of facials I’ve seen, or blow job porn in general (not that I don’t immensely enjoy blow jobs in porn, but double standard? Yes), and I think one can see a pretty clear rift of intended audiences.
What an interesting continuation of the discussion about female arousal, which continues to be elusive (see Mary Roach’s book ‘Bonk’). Anyway, to throw in my two cents: I would agree with The Wild Sow @17 about the necessity of plot and context, which is missing from male-centred porn, and thus I’d recommend Second Life. I don’t know why Second Life has never been mentioned before, (perhaps we are all a bit shy about letting our geek show?) but I have found it to good solution for discovering and playing out one’s fantasies, whilst avoiding the risks of real life. It sure saved my marriage. Although, like porn and other forms of sex that go beyond what you and your partner(s) have agreed, I think it is important to discuss, reassure and get a pass.
As for the Israeli woman who fucked an Arab man posing as a Jew and then blamed him for rape:
First, it should be noted that they’ve only spoke for 10 to 15 minutes before proceeding to a “nearby building”. And just for the record, they actually did it on the roof!!! Which is somewhat funny considering how King David, living in the same city thousands of years ago, spotted an attractive woman “washing on the roof” one evening (from the biblical text it’s hard to understand whether she was washing her clothes or her body, and I read the original text few times as a horny native speaker teenager). He then sent her husband to the front line to be killed in the battlefield just so that he can fuck her. Which he actually did.
As for the poor Arab guy, he got 18 (yes, that’s EIGHTEEN!!!) months of jail for this ridiculous charge, though it should be noted that him and his lawyer accepted a “plea bargain”.
All agree he had a lousy lawyer, but that can also point to a judiciary system that can intimidate and discourage Arabs, as I’m sure some of you will point to and unfortunately rightly so (Hi Pamela, how are things these days?)
It should be also noted that most Israelis commenting about this obviously-ridiculous sentence sided with the guy.
Let’s just hope that Arabs and Jews living throughout the Holy land will now concentrate on fucking and pleasing each other in the sexual context only, and that words like “shooting” and “blowing” will get a new, positive meaning in the Middle East and all over the world. Amen!!!
Characterizing porn as “this whole other sex life, which is (mostly) external to their partnerships and is sexually satisfying,” is bullshit. What porn is, is an aid to arousal and stimulation. If porn is “this whole other sex life,” then so is a vibrator.
I like my porn to have just enough plot to get to the sex.
And generally prefer gay porn, since that focuses on the man. Most straight porn focuses on the woman. Being a straight woman, I’m not interested in watching another woman.
Show me the cock! Stiff, please. Can’t believe how many I’ve seen where both guys were like cooked pasta. >
Could ya use the phrase “preserve the marriage” rather than “save the marriage”? The latter indicates that it is always in peril. I hate to think of it that way.
@5 Exhibit A: Twilight
But I think that only works for preteen girls.
Twilight is vile.
I used to go to Literotica for written porn, but I got so tired of sifting through really dreadful writing, and the lack of “tags”. I mean really is it too much to ask for girl/girl without the fear of incest???? I do not think so!
@28:
Try StoriesOnline. The quality of writing is much better.
Must it be either porn or Erotica/fanfic? To me they’re very different kinds of turn-on.
If I just feel like some quick solo release, sure, I go online and look for some porn, preferably anal (doesn’t matter much which gender the ass belongs to, as long as some nice cock is working it) to masturbate to.
If otoh I feel like making a nice steamy evening out of it, with hubby’s participation, I find myself something hot and written that helps me really get in the mood.
Women, we’re complicated, I know. We want it all :).
I’m a feminist who’s not into porn at all and never watches it, but I’m certainly not an anti-porn crusader. I have no moral objection to porn and don’t begrudge anyone their enjoyment of it, including my husband — it’s just not my thing. When I whack off, I just use my imagination.
Am I weird?
I do not think it is that weird. As it has been mentioned a lot of porn is just geared towards the male audience. Most of them do not require a “lead up” to get to the sex and more often than not women prefer it.
I typically take what I’ve read and use it later if I like the story.
Thanks for clarifying why the Israeli girl crying rape is absolutely appalling under those circumstances. Never mind the inherent racism. At the risk of sounding judgmental the judge’s statement on the case seems wrong too. “If she hadn’t thought the accused was a Jewish bachelor interested in a serious romantic relationship, she would not have co-operated. The court is obliged to protect the public interest from sophisticated, smooth-tongued criminals who can deceive innocent victims at an unbearable price – the sanctity of their bodies and souls.” We don’t care what she thought. She didn’t bloody ask. This was a horny girl who saw a hot guy, felt free enough to fuck him there and then (oh, yeah, don’t forget to praise israel for giving its women such freedom and being the ONLY democracy in the middle east!) but then gets pissed off and squirmy because somehow she finds out he’s an arab after the fact. Now the guy has been charged with something called “rape by deception” and the only reason he got caught is because he called her up and wondered if she wanted to be “raped” again. Oh my lord. 18 months in prison for having a quickie.
Romance novels? Blech. Cupcakes? Meh. I like porn as much as the next porn-using person (of any gender).
@Freche_Lola: Amen to Kushiel’s Dart as the rare exception…hot, hot, HOT!
@avast2006 and Urgutha: I agree…sometimes hard to sift through the straight porn that seems to be made for 20-something frat boys to hoot over with their friends during their “we’re so straight we like to get boners together watching those dirty sluts”. The gay porn has more of what I like…hot guys doing hot stuff.
@coyote69: It’s not a men/women thing…it’s a variability of human traits thing. Some PEOPLE have really high sex drives and porn/jacking off is a good way to release some tension/energy. It’s saved my sanity in libido-mismatched relationships and now that I’m with a guy who runs at my speed, we’re BOTH happy as pigs in mud doing it all the damn time…and watching porn together and separately.
I’m one of those tedious guys who claim not to use porn. But then I’d get the derision, I must be a liar, like claiming not to masturbate (which, yes, I do). FWIW, I generate the necessary fantasy in my head.
Talking of lies, now that the precedent has been set for rape by lying about things beforehand, how’s about a guy prosecuting for rape, for entrapment to marriage – the woman pretended to be keen on sex, until the ring was on the finger. Or fraudulently claimed that he was the father of her kid. Must be rape, n’est pas?
I have this vision of a dystopian world where, prior to the dread act of intercourse, forms in triplicate have to be signed and witnessed by a costly team of lawyers, backed by DNA samples, forensic and medical tests, binding pre-nuptial agreements and of course, continuing witness during the act itself to ensure that it continued to be consensual. Perhaps it’s not a vision but reality.
ITASP: This is a situation where not only are the terms of the agreement unequal, but the practical aspects of fulfilling those terms makes the inequality way worse.
On her end of the agreement, she gets to go find and have sex partners who are focused on her. On your end of the agreement, you get to have — you don’t get to find, you only get what she brings you — sex partners who are either focused on HER, not you, or the ones that are interested in both of you together turn her off, which spoils the mood. Here it is, your fantasy sex, and you don’t even get to be a primary participant. That is seriously fucked up.
Why is she free to seek sex outside the relationship without regard to you, but you only “get to enjoy the occasional threesome with her and one of her partners”? Why don’t you get to find sex partners on the same terms that she enjoys? Is it that threesomes really are what you want, and it’s just that the ones you are getting are mediocre? If not, your agreement is seriously unfair.
What is missing here is a sex partner who is focused on YOU. It’s clear that role isn’t going to be fulfilled any time soon by the guys that she brings home. (If at all. I can’t tell from your letter whether you are bi and the guys are into you, or if your threesomes are two men focusing on the woman.) That role is either going to have to be her, or it’s going to have to be another person of your choosing, independent of your wife, using the same freedom to choose that she herself enjoys. If she is not comfortable with you dating outside the marriage independently, she is going to have to stop doing it herself, and focus her attention on you.
@31: No. It’s just that people don’t tend to talk about how imagination oppresses their sex lives, so nobody is defensive about it.
Besides, if you’re using your imagination, that’s porn … in your head. (To me, pornography *tends* to be shorthand for videos, photos, etc., but generally it just means scenarios and ideas intended to curry sexy feelings.)
@37: Although I guess that broader definition is a little silly if the word includes the word for “image.” Oh well.
I always enjoy reading the Don but I do get a bit tired of “Please let me usher you out of the cage of old definitions of normativity into the cage of new definitions of normativity. As you transit, please be sure to enjoy your five seconds of actual freedom to be yourself.”
Stop with the generalizations and pronunciations of what’s ‘normal’, FTLOG. Anyone of any gender can like or not like porn. Or monogamy. Or anything else. And open marriages can work (only ever seen it not working myself, but remain willing to take it on theory) but they tend to come with more baggage than a Samsonite factory and more drama than Italian opera.
“…one out of every three consumers of internet porn IS female…” Is the editing staff on holiday? Sheesh.
If there was more porn where the woman looked like she was REALLY enjoying it and was having a GENUINE orgasm, I’d be much more interested.
And I agree with above comments about the porn featuring guys with REALLY stiff cocks! Limp noodles are not going to do much for women – we want to see that hard cock and imagine how it feels thrusting inside. A medium sized hard cock is much better for me than a huge squishy one.
Thank heavens for the news item about the Jew/Arab rape case; it’s the only thing mentioned in this week’s column that isn’t insanely uninteresting and pointless.
Oh, and #23? That couldn’t have happened; David was only interested in boning Jonathan, whom he met on boychick.net.
Jews are the new Nazis with their racial apartheid laws.
No Israel = Know Peace
If we’re looking for something for straight women that repulses most straight men, I’d have to go with /slash fanfic. Written by straight-identifying women, it refashions (weird choice of word) male pop culture icons into lovers–think Harry Potter/Malfoy, Kirk/Spock. While I’ve only sampled a little of it, it’s XXX erotica, as in it has graphic sex preceded by an elaborate emotional build-up–i.e. the characters slowly realizing they’re in love is “the” erotic trip switch. I don’t see many straight dudes being into that–seems to me it primes feminine longing as desire, esp. romantic narratives of over-coming obstacles.
In my own life, I’ve been sorry to discover over and over that too many straight men see toys as a threat. Such a turn-off.
In the cases of toys and porn, I wish both straight men and women, respectively, would confront their insecurities. Being turned on by openness myself, I lose interest almost immediately when I hear any declarations of “real men don’t do that” or “good women don’t like that.” Makes me feel isolated and not at all horny.
Count me in as yet another woman who likes her porn to be verbal rather than visual. I don’t know why I have this preference, but I don’t think it’s because I suffer from the stereotypical feminine thirst for romance or some prudish aversion to “real” pornography. Language just gets me going in a way that pictures generally don’t.
GrammarSnot – at least be right if you’re going to correct someone/something.
One (blah blah blah) IS Female.
One is the subject, not consumers jackass.
DEB is an idiot.
“If all men get a pass to have this whole other sex life, which is (mostly) external to their partnerships and is sexually satisfying”
Porn is a means to an end. The end being an orgasm. Do you really think men would pass on real sex with a willing partner for porn instead?!? I mean really.
Porn is just a substitute until you can get your hands on the real thing. It’s hardly this entire separate relationship men (or women like me) are having on their own to the point of excluding their partners (and if it is then that silly DEB is called an addiction – and addictions are always cause for concern).
And DEB is also an idiot for the generalizations she makes about women not enjoying porn.
I watch porn. Lots of it. More than my husband because hey I like to get off. I don’t care about a plot, misogyny etc. It’s just a tool to get me off. So just about anything on say XVideos will do. And you know what else? Many of my girlfriends do the exact same thing.
Ugh. I’m not quite sure what it is but everything about DEBS letter + tone irritates the shit out of me. It’s not rocket science. People eat ice-cream because it’s yummy. People watch porn to have orgasms. C’est fini.
Add me to the 1/3 of women who watches and *le gasp* buys porn. I/we are a huge fans of Adam & Eve’s productions and it took us 6 different sessions to make it through Pirates!
On the other hand, when it comes to masturbation, I love to read/listen to romance novels (long commute) and have a dozen hentai novels I brought back from Japan that are kept near the toys. Something about the onomatopoeias… 🙂
@47: This pretty much said all I needed to know about DEB: “[W]omen are a little bit more complicated.” *facepalm* So grating and condescending.
romance literature is hot to women, because it taps into what’s turning us on, without showing us the details that turn us off.
Sure, i’ve tried watching porn. Too bad all of it sucks (ya including the stuff aimed at women. Fat chicks in their forties fucking sluggish looking balding chubby boring people. They look like my parents, ick). If I like the porn actress, I almost invariably hate the actor. If I like the act, the porn actress is making a stupid face and screaming like a stuck pig the entire time or wearing a onepiece hot pink leotard. You know what, I’m actually pretty happy with anything that happens as long as the guy is hot, but the guy is NEVER EVER HOT.
I have found ONE good porn in my life, ever. It’s Kenny Styles and Asa Akira. He’s hot, she’s hot, he looks into it when he’s doing things to turn her on, she looks pleased, etc. THATS ALL I WANT.
Anyway, that’s why women turn to romance literature (or gay porn, where you can actually sort porn to look for hot guys). Romance literature/fanfics taps into all the mental hottness of “Ohhh, the temptation! I must resist! Nay I am seduced” and leaves your imagination to fill in the sexy details, without some ugly actor ruining it for you.