My boyfriend and I have “history.” We dated casually and weren’t ready to stop seeing other people, so we had an open relationship. This phase was awful: lots of fights, a couple minor breakups, and eventually I called it quits for good, cutting off all contact. A month later, we started talking again and decided to commit for reals. No fucking around this time. This is his first monogamous relationship, and while he claims to miss the variety, he says he wouldn’t trade having me for having it.
Here’s my question: I’d like to have a three-way. While I trust him, I don’t want to make it seem like it’s okay for him to fuck around again. Is this too dangerous a proposition?
One More Time
Full disclosure: I’m on an airplane, under the influence, and in coach (which means I’m typing with my computer resting on my chest). So this week’s advice is sure to be extra sucky.
Okay, OMT, if you make the mistake of having a three-way, you could wind up fighting, breaking up, and calling it quits all over again. But all of that could happen if you make the mistake of not having that three-way. And then, my God, just think of it: You would have gone through all of that again without having a three-way.
Err on the side of the three-way.
People in monogamous relationships get cheated on, OMT, even though their partners understand that it’s not okay to fuck around. So keeping the relationship officially monogamous doesn’t necessarily protect you from infidelity. Keeping it honest, keeping it communicative, and being in a relationship with someone trustworthy does.
After you discuss this with your boyfriend, OMT, if you believe him when he swears that he can be trusted—when he swears to fully understanding that he’d still be in a quasi-monogamous relationship (you only have sex with other people together)—then why not satisfy his desire for a little variety and your desire for a three-way, aka “a little variety”?
For the past six months, a very attractive, put-together auburn-haired man has come to my attention, but I have not done anything about this because he is a total stranger. He waits at the same bus stop as me in the morning. We also transfer to the same streetcar. I’ve been dating other people since I’ve noticed Hot Bus Stop Man, but no one incredible, and I can’t seem to get Hot Bus Stop Man out of my mind.
I’ve only made eye contact with this cutie a few times because I’m not in the habit of asking complete strangers out. This morning, though, I attempted a smile in his direction, although I can’t be sure he saw because, of course, I was trying my best not to look at him and give myself away. What else can I do?
Girl Crushing On Hot Bus Stop Man
I’m only running your insanely boring letter on the off chance—two very off chances—that HBSM is (1) a reader and (2) not a fag. Hopefully, he is and isn’t, respectively, will recognize himself, and will ask your demure little ass out. (If you’re reading and you’re gay, HBSM, compliment GCOHBSM’s new shoes the next time you see her and put her out of her misery, okay?)
If he’s not a reader, GCOHBSM, you’ll just have to risk saying something to him. Try “Hello.” Then smile at him—at him, not “in his direction”—and give yourself the fuck away, already.
Rick Santorum is definitely running for president. A member of a forum I frequent referred to him as “Senator Frothymix.” You should refer to him as such if you mention his presidential hopes in your column.
That Is All
Oh, right. Rick Santorum.
About a year ago, when Santorum first leaked… er, signaled… his intention to run, I asked if any of my readers had a desire to blog at www.spreadingsantorum.com, my long-dormant Santorum-bashing/redefining blog. It’s still the number-one internet search result for “Santorum” and “Rick Santorum.” (This has been described as Santorum’s “serious Google problem” by political reporters and bloggers.)
Anyway, people wrote in and volunteered for the gig, and I somehow lost all of the e-mails. Sorry about that. If there are still folks out there who want to blog about Santorum at the number-one site for his name—people who want to be a part of Santorum’s Google problem—and want to do it for free, please write me at santorumblog@savagelove.net.
Men enjoy porn, but women don’t. Here’s something women enjoy that men don’t: vibrators. Just as men feel threatened by vibrators (“My cock isn’t good enough for you?”), women feel threatened by porn (“My tits aren’t good enough for you?”).
And when women cry, “What if the children found those stashed in the garage?!” men can respond, “What if the children found your vibrator?!”
Desires Erotic Balance should use a vibrator while her boyfriend uses porn. They should also film it and put it up on the internet.
Vice Is Barely Erotic
Yeah, vibrators are probably a better example of something dirty that women enjoy and (most) men do not—certainly better than cupcakes with pink sprinkles. I stand corrected. (But most people don’t have incriminating porn stashes in the garage these days, VIBE, they have incriminating browser histories.)
And speaking of vibrators: Taylor Momsen—one of the stars of Gossip Girl—recently “divulged” to Disorder Magazine that her “best friend is her vibrator.” Fox News wrote up the “scandal,” of course, but got quotes only from antisex nutters: batshit Catholic reactionary Bill Donohue, conservative radio yakker Michael Medved, an elderly grandmother who runs a parenting organization, and some douchebag from the National Center for Biblical Parenting who predicted that Momsen’s actions “will result in failure in her life.”
There are no quotes—in the interest of fairness and balance—from anyone who doesn’t see vibrators as battery-operated tools of the devil. No one is allowed to point out that sex toys are common, completely mainstream, and safe for use by young women. A vibrator is a low-risk alternative to intercourse with, say, Chace Crawford. (No risk of pregnancy, disease, or Axe body spray.)
It’s true, Bill Donohue, that the young lady isn’t old enough to walk into a sex shop—or as Fox News so delicately put it: “[Momsen] is not legally of age to enter venues that sell sexual paraphernalia.” She is, however, over 17—that is, of legal age to consent to sex in New York.Anyone old enough to have a dick in her twat is old enough to have a vibrator in her nightstand. And social and cultural conservatives are apparently unaware of e-commerce—Amazon has a nice selection of vibrators.
Young ladies who want a vibrator don’t need to be of legal age to enter venues that sell sexual paraphernalia. All they need is internet access and a credit card.
Once I had a mad hetero girl crush on a gorgeous guy who got on at the same Chicago El stop that I did. We shyly eyeballed each other every day for months. Then he disappeared. I next saw him on the same El platform months later. Without a word we immediately ran into each others arms and started making out. That moment was unbelievably hot.
Sadly, the sex that followed was the worst that I’ve ever had. However, I still recommend that GCOHBSM attempt to make verbal contact with HBSM. She may have better luck than I did and even my one hot make out moment is still a treasured memory that I do not regret.
Also, her letter was not “insanely boring”. What actually is insanely boring is Dan’s inevitable, insufferable whining whenever he is subjected to even the slightest, most ordinary, bit of physical discomfort.
This is for you, GCOHBSM. I had a similar situation not very long ago, where I had a major crush on one of the cashier at Trader Joe’s. I would come in the door and immediately turn to see if he was working today, if he was I would always wait at his register, no matter how long the line was, and would get buzzed with excitement for the rest of the day after chatting with him for 30 seconds or even after just seeing his scruffy, blue eyed face. At some point I decided to act on my crush, because it was getting a little bit silly. I am the type of person to go after what I want even when it means slight discomfort and embarrassment of putting myself out there. In other words, not a Seattlite. One Saturday morning I wrote my phone number on a post-it note and handed to him after checking out. He said he would “definitely” use it. He never called. But I got something really good out of this whole thing – I got him out of my system. And, for a week or so after my brave move, I was completely psyched with self efficacy and with hopes that he might actually call me.
Here’s something you need to know, GCOHBSM, about (MOST not ALL) guys in Seattle (and I’m speaking from my experience and what I’ve heard from other people): They are one of the following or some combination of it:
1)In a monogamous relationship.
2)Gay.
3)Passive: intimidated by a woman who makes the first move and afraid of communication that doesn’t involve a screen and a keyboard.
So, chances are Hot Bus Stop Man is one of the above or some sort of combination. In that case, chances are that if you make some sort of attempt to reach out to him, he will not cooperate. But I still think you should. It’s a win win situation for you – option 1: you get this guy out of your system and stop asking “what if” in your head (or on the pages of The Stranger).
Option 2: you start going out with this lovely boy and have a short term/long term/successful/unsuccessful relationship.
GO FOR IT
@45 someonelse, if you’re still reading…there is definitely a toy for guys that “does the job for you,” it’s like the Fleshlight, but it has a pump of some sort in it (using my daughter’s computer, so don’t want to go searching for the link!). Can’t remember what blog I was reading that linked to it, sorry.
Also, in my experience, women talk about everything. My husband is completely shocked by what we discuss (sex, vibrators, etc.) while he and his friends literally never talk about stuff like that (which is sad, because then they could be sharing tips and techniques!)
@45, 50
Check out the Autoblow (http://www.roboticblowjob.com). It’s a male sex toy that doesn’t require you to move it up and down your dick.
@106 – I just went and checked out that site. It may be an awesome device, but the people who are selling it sound like douchenozzles.
Quote – “Compared with the alternatives, the Autoblow provides an inexpensive blowjob. The Autoblow is a one time purchase, and won’t wear out until it has provided you with hundreds, if not thousands of blowjobs. If you go to a prostitute, a blowjob can run you between $50-$150, just for a single shot! If you have a girlfriend, the customary pre-blowjob activities (dinner, drinks, movie) can easily run you $100, just for the single shot! And if you have a wife…you have to be married and the costs involved in that are enormous. So… amortized over time, the Autoblow is CHEAP!”
These guys need a toy because no woman is willing to put her mouth anywhere near them!
Consider your point acknowledged and verified, #8.
I’m female, and love written porn, have since I was a teen. (The lame “erotica” tag is, IMHO, for women who still can’t admit to themselves that they are porn consumers.) I read it, masturbate to it (love the slow scroll function on my mouse, thank you!), and am glad it’s out there online. I have actually turned a couple of guys on to using written porn as fuel, for couples reading. (“Uh, wait, wait, slide your legs higher then scroll back a paragraph… ooh maaaannn!!”)
Sorry about your life, #93. Is it possible that women aren’t talking to YOU? Because I’ve had a couple of dating relationships and one ltr come out of me initiating contact with a guy I found appealing.
Unless there’s something I find particularly disturbing about his porn choices, I have always had a hot and sweet spot for watching a man masturbate. Only recently have I found a guy who was as happy to put on a show for me as I am to observe. Go figure…
Last, I do talk in depth and detail about my sex life with my gf’s, with the exception of discussing anything regarding the guy I’m seeing concurrent to the conversation. (TMI, and not my right to disclose.)
Also, RE: the autoblow site – They have the gay and the straight version of the site, but all that changes is the gender of the cocksuckers, none of the text (so, it still has the line about a girlfriend/wife, etc)…
PUA=Pick-up artist. Google “Mystery Method.” I’ve met a couple of these guys and they’re cockier than they have any right to be, but they do get laid.
#93: I’ve met plenty of guys by making the first move. If women aren’t approaching you, the problem isn’t them – it’s YOU.
@Canadian,eh?
I’m a woman, and I acknowledge everything you say. I usually use porn AND a vibrator, for that matter. And really, it’s the easiest/fastest way for me to get there. Including intercourse, cuz, lets face it, the Rabbit ears do things that even the best of well-meaning men cannot.
To 105, 106, 107 (Canuck, Black Rose, and sanguisuga):
First I’d like to thank the thoughtful women who were doing the research and were so kind as to inform me of the results.
I checked the site and unfortunately got the same creepy feeling that sanguisuga @107 got. It looks like just another porn site and I’m reluctant to give those guys my credit card number and email and home addresses.
Did anyone try it? Did it work for you or your man?
I have bought my wife vibrators. Not sure how anyone could be jealous with a vibrator. I know my wife isn’t jealous of my Fleshlight, so how could I be jealous of her vibrators.
@77: Don’t worry, I wasn’t trying to judge “good/bad” on guys sharing explicit details — I just wasn’t sure what your point was when you mentioned it. Sort of “oh … that’s good to know? Anyway!”
My last boyfriend really enjoyed cock rings. It was partly for the idea — wearing something sexy — and also because it had extra straps that gave him some “lift and separation” in his balls. Apparently, it really enhanced the sensation for him. It also helped him delay orgasm … which made it better.
That latter point has always seemed like the obvious purpose of a cock ring to me — which leads me to think perhaps you have a different definition of what “enhances” the orgasm?
@77: Don’t worry, I wasn’t trying to judge “good/bad” on guys sharing explicit details — I just wasn’t sure what your point was when you mentioned it. Sort of “oh … that’s good to know? Anyway!”
My last boyfriend really enjoyed cock rings. It was partly for the idea — wearing something sexy — and also because it had extra straps that gave him some “lift and separation” in his balls. Apparently, it really enhanced the sensation for him. It also helped him delay orgasm … which made it better.
That latter point has always seemed like the obvious purpose of a cock ring to me — which leads me to think perhaps you have a different definition of what constitutes as affecting/enhancing the orgasm? I think pretty much anything you do while masturbating counts.
Uh. Sorry for the slightly different double posts.
@114 someonelse, I think that site’s legit, only because I saw it through a link on another blog I read, but yeah, I didn’t think the guys looked all that turned on, they kind of looked like cows at a milking machine… I’d stick with a Fleshlight if I were you, then the control is up to you. Look at sites that have reviews, so you can see which one you think would work (can’t remember if you said you’d heard of them or not?)
I’m a straight woman, love porn, love my vibrators. He loves porn and my vibrators – he can feel the vibrations when he’s in me. I use them on myself, he uses them on me, we both use them on me simultaneously. So we watch porn together, play with my vibrators together, and have fantastic sex.
I’m a straight woman, love porn, love my vibrators. He loves porn and my vibrators – he can feel the vibrations when he’s in me. I use them on myself, he uses them on me, we both use them on me simultaneously. So we watch porn together, play with my vibrators together, and have fantastic sex.
Why is it douchey for guys to high five after scoring? I used to do that with my girlfriends all the time. Also, we mostly discussed details of our sex life in the extremes. So and so was really, really good and unique in some way or (more likely) a total failure or had some unique kink. It’s not always nice, and it’s definitely not something you want to your partner to overhear, but that’s reality, I think. I love Art Brut’s song about impotence (which one you say, for there are several) where he screams, “please, don’t tell your friends!” Because you know you will!
I actually know a brick-and-mortar store where it is completely legal for a 17-year old to enter. It’s called the Safe Sex Store, and it’s been in Ann Arbor as long as I can remember. Their specific policy is to not carry any legally age-restricted merchandise; their rationale for this is that those awkward 12-year olds who walk in on dares shouldn’t think that condoms are inaccessible or out of the ordinary. Apparently this applies to vibrators too.
Dear Odour Regretfully Generates A Sexual Malady
There is a Maple Syrup flavored massage oil available at the Love Nest maybe this can help.
Love Nest Sue
THANK YOU #8
Who said women don’t like porn? I like porn, and I know other women who do as well. I also know some men who like vibrators.
I got a sale flyer from Babeland a month or two ago that featured an umbrella with a vibrator handle. That is pure genius. I couldn’t find it just now, but did find a vibrating rubber duckie. http://store.babeland.com/vibrators-disc…