My boyfriend and I have “history.” We dated casually and weren’t ready to stop seeing other people, so we had an open relationship. This phase was awful: lots of fights, a couple minor breakups, and eventually I called it quits for good, cutting off all contact. A month later, we started talking again and decided to commit for reals. No fucking around this time. This is his first monogamous relationship, and while he claims to miss the variety, he says he wouldn’t trade having me for having it.
Here’s my question: I’d like to have a three-way. While I trust him, I don’t want to make it seem like it’s okay for him to fuck around again. Is this too dangerous a proposition?
One More Time
Full disclosure: I’m on an airplane, under the influence, and in coach (which means I’m typing with my computer resting on my chest). So this week’s advice is sure to be extra sucky.
Okay, OMT, if you make the mistake of having a three-way, you could wind up fighting, breaking up, and calling it quits all over again. But all of that could happen if you make the mistake of not having that three-way. And then, my God, just think of it: You would have gone through all of that again without having a three-way.
Err on the side of the three-way.
People in monogamous relationships get cheated on, OMT, even though their partners understand that it’s not okay to fuck around. So keeping the relationship officially monogamous doesn’t necessarily protect you from infidelity. Keeping it honest, keeping it communicative, and being in a relationship with someone trustworthy does.
After you discuss this with your boyfriend, OMT, if you believe him when he swears that he can be trusted—when he swears to fully understanding that he’d still be in a quasi-monogamous relationship (you only have sex with other people together)—then why not satisfy his desire for a little variety and your desire for a three-way, aka “a little variety”?
For the past six months, a very attractive, put-together auburn-haired man has come to my attention, but I have not done anything about this because he is a total stranger. He waits at the same bus stop as me in the morning. We also transfer to the same streetcar. I’ve been dating other people since I’ve noticed Hot Bus Stop Man, but no one incredible, and I can’t seem to get Hot Bus Stop Man out of my mind.
I’ve only made eye contact with this cutie a few times because I’m not in the habit of asking complete strangers out. This morning, though, I attempted a smile in his direction, although I can’t be sure he saw because, of course, I was trying my best not to look at him and give myself away. What else can I do?
Girl Crushing On Hot Bus Stop Man
I’m only running your insanely boring letter on the off chance—two very off chances—that HBSM is (1) a reader and (2) not a fag. Hopefully, he is and isn’t, respectively, will recognize himself, and will ask your demure little ass out. (If you’re reading and you’re gay, HBSM, compliment GCOHBSM’s new shoes the next time you see her and put her out of her misery, okay?)
If he’s not a reader, GCOHBSM, you’ll just have to risk saying something to him. Try “Hello.” Then smile at him—at him, not “in his direction”—and give yourself the fuck away, already.
Rick Santorum is definitely running for president. A member of a forum I frequent referred to him as “Senator Frothymix.” You should refer to him as such if you mention his presidential hopes in your column.
That Is All
Oh, right. Rick Santorum.
About a year ago, when Santorum first leaked… er, signaled… his intention to run, I asked if any of my readers had a desire to blog at www.spreadingsantorum.com, my long-dormant Santorum-bashing/redefining blog. It’s still the number-one internet search result for “Santorum” and “Rick Santorum.” (This has been described as Santorum’s “serious Google problem” by political reporters and bloggers.)
Anyway, people wrote in and volunteered for the gig, and I somehow lost all of the e-mails. Sorry about that. If there are still folks out there who want to blog about Santorum at the number-one site for his name—people who want to be a part of Santorum’s Google problem—and want to do it for free, please write me at santorumblog@savagelove.net.
Men enjoy porn, but women don’t. Here’s something women enjoy that men don’t: vibrators. Just as men feel threatened by vibrators (“My cock isn’t good enough for you?”), women feel threatened by porn (“My tits aren’t good enough for you?”).
And when women cry, “What if the children found those stashed in the garage?!” men can respond, “What if the children found your vibrator?!”
Desires Erotic Balance should use a vibrator while her boyfriend uses porn. They should also film it and put it up on the internet.
Vice Is Barely Erotic
Yeah, vibrators are probably a better example of something dirty that women enjoy and (most) men do not—certainly better than cupcakes with pink sprinkles. I stand corrected. (But most people don’t have incriminating porn stashes in the garage these days, VIBE, they have incriminating browser histories.)
And speaking of vibrators: Taylor Momsen—one of the stars of Gossip Girl—recently “divulged” to Disorder Magazine that her “best friend is her vibrator.” Fox News wrote up the “scandal,” of course, but got quotes only from antisex nutters: batshit Catholic reactionary Bill Donohue, conservative radio yakker Michael Medved, an elderly grandmother who runs a parenting organization, and some douchebag from the National Center for Biblical Parenting who predicted that Momsen’s actions “will result in failure in her life.”
There are no quotes—in the interest of fairness and balance—from anyone who doesn’t see vibrators as battery-operated tools of the devil. No one is allowed to point out that sex toys are common, completely mainstream, and safe for use by young women. A vibrator is a low-risk alternative to intercourse with, say, Chace Crawford. (No risk of pregnancy, disease, or Axe body spray.)
It’s true, Bill Donohue, that the young lady isn’t old enough to walk into a sex shop—or as Fox News so delicately put it: “[Momsen] is not legally of age to enter venues that sell sexual paraphernalia.” She is, however, over 17—that is, of legal age to consent to sex in New York.Anyone old enough to have a dick in her twat is old enough to have a vibrator in her nightstand. And social and cultural conservatives are apparently unaware of e-commerce—Amazon has a nice selection of vibrators.
Young ladies who want a vibrator don’t need to be of legal age to enter venues that sell sexual paraphernalia. All they need is internet access and a credit card.
Gloria @ 48
I guess I only had an illusion and after all women are just uptight about masturbation as men are.
Strap-on parties- not sure what you meant by that. If it’s for women only and my partner wants to go then she’s welcome to do so. And if she’s looking for a man in order to show her girlfriends how to do it right then I will gladly be on the receiving end while they all watch and ask questions (and I don’t mind their male lovers attending as well)
Thanks for mentioning male toys. I’m still looking for the one that does it all, not just enhancements here and there. Never heard of the Fleshlight, but it looks like the user still has to move it up and down by hand. I can’t look too deeply into it now since I’m at work, but promise to check it again this evening. Thanks for the info, though unfortunately it seems like women still have way more choices.
“Opening our hearts and other relevant body parts to ours and our lovers’ kinks can make the world a much happier place to live in.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Um, we had a detachable showerhead. No one ever asked why I took such long showers…
@50: “Guys are more likely to say “yeah, I banged her” or even be proud of his supposed conquests, women are more likely to discuss specifics.”
That’s nice? That said, my boyfriend says he’s not really into that kind of sharing/bragging. He’ll share in random “she’s hot” comments, but he’s fairly private overall.
But yeah, “studies”? Citation needed.
What I’m saying is based on my experience as an individual. @48 was feeling inadequate based on a specific assumption about a supposed habit among women, and my comment, based on my own experience, was just meant to say, “Well, here’s one woman who doesn’t go to toy parties/doesn’t casually share her sex stories, and I’m probably not the only one.”
Re: sex toys for dudes, He’s the one who implied that women are the only one with sex toys at all. “Orgasm-enhancing devices”, I believe, was his wording. Both cock rings and anal beads easily qualify.
“Anal beads only appeal if you’re into pegging/anal play. For a guy who isn’t, they wouldn’t help him cum.”
Well, yeah. But I didn’t assume @48 *wasn’t* into buttplay either. Let’s try to be inclusive!
@52: “Strap-on parties — – not sure what you meant by that.”
Yeah, I guess that was kind of cryptic? What I meant was that some toy parties are often not a real exploration of the participants’ sexuality — they’re kind of “safe” and sanitized. (Hence the Tupperware reference as well.) Yes, enjoy toys, but you know, not up your butt! And definitely not something you put up your boyfriend’s butt.
So using the phenomenon of toy parties to imply that women are somehow more open and sharing about their sexuality is a simplistic way of looking at it.
And yes, you and @50 are right that what I mentioned aren’t quite the do-it-all toys. I’d say, go to your local or online sex shop and ask about it. If they know there’s a demand, they’ll make it, eventually.
@44, 47: I also assumed VIBE was female. Funny how much the implications change depending on what the assumed gender of the writer is.
I don’t know if VIBE is sacrificing intelligence to make their lame joke, but seriously. Women do like porn. A lot of women like porn (it just might not be the kind of porn VIBE thinks it is). And a lot of men like sex toys. I’m a woman who has really rocking orgasms when it’s just me and my erotic literature. I have a vibrator that I’m indifferent to, but my boyfriend likes that it helps him fulfill certain fantasies. And I let him divulge in all the porn he wants. Neither of us are threatened. And I highly doubt my situation is unique.
This compartmentalizing BS “all men/women like/hate the same thing” is sooooo boring already! It takes all kinds. Get that into your head, VIBE, and stop validating him/her, Dan, when you know they’re wrong. Being under the influence is a lame excuse.
In my experience, my friends and I very openly talk about sex. I’ve never been uncomfortable about it and enjoy hearing their stories (which is why I love Savage Love as well). You can learn and give advice. My mother was maybe a little too open about her sexual nature, so I guess after that, nothing makes me uncomfortable. Just saying, most of my girlfriends are pretty open about sex, as they should be. There’s nothing to be ashamed of (not saying anybody’s ashamed here), and I think it helps me.
Um, also top GCOHBSM, that man at the bus stop might be (probably is) TAKEN.
To the girl crushing on hot bus stop guy: Mine was “hot bus guy,” because he used to get on every morning a few stops down the line from me, not at the same stop. But always sat in the back near me. We did eye contact and the quick smiles, and then finally once he just sat next to me and I struck up a conversation about the magazine he was reading. We dated for two years, then broke up for no particularly interesting reason.
So it is possible. Just talk to the guy.
@41 Check out online store “divine interventions,” home of the baby jesus butt plug.
Been around for years.
My wife loves porn, and I love vibrators.
That is all.
Apparently I am a parent straight from the devil, I got my daughters their own best friends on their sixteenth birthdays. Better than what I did as a teen 🙂 Borrow moms!
God damn it, Savage. I might comment on her new shoes and I’M NOT GAY! And what the hell is wrong with a woman taking a little initiative, fer Christ’s sake?
This is Dan’s best column in months, Sex at Dawn notwithstanding.
Great as always Dan. And I saw in the news this morning they’ve over-turned the same sex marriage ban in California!!
CONGRATULATIONS California! One more step towards equal rights for ALL humans.
Where is the party? Prop 8 got thrown out like we knew it would.
Bring it on to the Supreme Court. Look at page 114 in the PDF court ruling today…PDF (page 112).
quote:”archaic, shameful or even bizarre”
It falls short of calling it bigotry, but that’s what it is.
Oh hi, I’m a woman whose boyfriend likes to have a vibrator used on him, and who isn’t jealous of my vibrator. I’m also not jealous of the tits in his porn collection; we enjoy watching it both separately and together.
Way to stereotype, bro.
A Jesus vibrator? Brings a whole new meaning to “let me hide myself in thee!”
Another suggestion for girls who aren’t old enough to go a sex shop, and don’t want to get a package in the mail that their parents may open: visit your local drug store. “Back massagers” are inexpensive and provide clitoral stimulation as well as, if not better than, any sex toy openly marketed as such.
I spent most of my early teenage years extremely, extremely frustrated, because manual stimulation was never (and I do mean never) enough to get me off. I didn’t have my first orgasm until I bought a Conair massager at the ripe old age of seventeen. Ten years later, I’m still using the same one. I guess sometimes high school sweethearts do stay together.
Why do women hate porn? I mean, I’m a woman and my collection certainly rivals my husbands. When did they send out the memo that I’m supposed to be shocked and offended by it, because I never got that particular email. There certainly is porn out there that is degrading to women and is offensive and icky and all that, but that’s based on content, not genre. Either way, porn is the best cheat sheet for sex my marriage has. If I want sex, but don’t have lots of time for foreplay (early morning or whatnot) I just play the porn on the computer, let it get both of us riled up, and then head to bed. Not that it isn’t great for lonely time (it is), but it’s also great for together time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check my spam folder for that missed email.
I liked it when the guy in the seat next to you helped with answers. Were you sitting next to someone listening to an IPod this time? Or someone who minded his/her own business? Boring people.
Girls like porn. Maybe not entirely as much as guys do. But they do like it.
Personally I have no problems at all with my wife havin a vibrator/dildo. Shit I have no problem fuckin her with it or watching her do herself.
Honestly if ur a dude n r threaten by a viberator. Then u doin sumthing very very wrong. Embrace the dildo. A happy wife makes a happy husband!!
My now-boyfriend bought me a vibrator — very early on — to keep at his house after I mentioned that I had a particular favorite. We watch porn together and I don’t care if he watches porn in front of me when I’m doing something else. Neither of us feels threatened by any of this, obs. Feeling threatened by this really basic stuff seems to be the province of the very young and/or inexperienced.
Girls watch porn. LOTS AND LOTS of girls watch porn. Something to the tune of 80%, last I checked. Girls just don’t TALK about it.
@54
I never said it was particularly “nice”, just that it’s less in-depth than what I’ve seen from women. I’ll find the surveys when I’m *not* at work (searching for “women talk about sex more” in google from the office seems like a bad idea), but I can even speak from personal experience. My girlfriends have often told me about discussing our sex with their female friends (usually by way of saying “I tell them how much I enjoy it”, but it could just as easily be used in the opposite direction) in rather more detail than I use discussing with my male friends any sexual forays. We really do limit it (if it comes up at all, and it rarely if ever does) to “you having sex with her?” “Yeah” “Cool”. I don’t know if I speak for some grand section of the population (and I do know that the plural of “anecdote” is not “data”), it’s just my experience.
I understand your point though, and I can only say it’s a bit like if I came back and said (of the stereotype of the douchebag guy high-fiving about sexual conquests) that I don’t do it (I don’t), nor do my friends. Yes, it’s probably true, it may even be true for some significant minority (or even a majority) of men, but the stereotype is still there, sadly.
Re: sex toys.
Maybe I’m just less experimental than I think myself to be, but I still can’t see how a cock ring would make *my* orgasm enhanced, especially if I’m just wanking by myself. Anal beads I’ll accept, since some guys really do like to have their prostates stimulated, but I simply don’t comprehend cock-rings as a way to enhance my orgasm.
Wow, I never thought I’d be feeling a bit too vanilla for this place.
@72
I’ve never really understood that particular assumption, though my girlfriend pointed out something pretty interesting. She noticed that when I’m performing oral sex on her (as always, I’m at a loss for non-clinical terms for that which don’t sound either silly or gross), she’s not actually turned on by seeing me do it. When she’s performing oral sex on me (same thing), I really like watching her do it, it adds something to the action.
Maybe that’s where it comes from. Pornography itself is a fundamentally visual medium, which seems to appeal less to many women. And, of course, there is that most of it centers on topics and kinks of more male interest. But, maybe that’s just how I see the lay of the land.
@77 I’m a woman and I get very turned on my watching my boyfriend do almost anything in bed. I always keep my eyes open. Considering the number of women who now watch porn, it’s probably safe to say that men and women have been socialized (to a large degree) into believing that they’re more or less visual, and now that’s it’s more acceptable for women to openly watch porn, they’re catching up with teh menz in connected what they see to arousal. After all, women in studies have gotten turned on by watching apes do it; they just don’t always report feeling turned on even if their ladybits say otherwise.
I met my second wife on the bus. Not perfect, but it did last 13 years. Like #60 said, just start a conversation on some silly pretext.
as a teenager that had a vibrator for many years and managed to get good grades, stay out of too much trouble, and hold out for ggg sex until i was emotionally ready, i say all teens should have a vibrator!
I bet someone alrady pointed this out, but you can get vibrators at Walgreens. They are right there with KY and condoms. Pretty cool. But also shows they are not an equivalent to porn. Vibrators hurt no one therefore they are in Walgreens. Porn hurts the psyche of many women every day and many more relationships, hence porn is not found on the shelves of WAlgreens. Stop trying to downplay the dangerous side of porn. It is there. So what if it has its place in the world. Yes great it does. But its place is not in the benign culturally accepted realm many men are shooting for. Look at it sparingly, look at it in private and be a little embarrased about it. That is healthy and even keeps the masterbation effective. Happy stroking.
@33: “and the Onan story forbidding male masturbation is a stretch too…”
Zing!
@question 1. what the hell? you have decided to be in a monogamous relationship and the very first thing you need advice on is how to have a 3 way ? without giving your partner the idea that its ok to screw other people? you cant! maybe consider being friends with benefits instead and when everyone else in your life has bailed and the two of you are still together, still friends and still into each other; maybe then taking it to the “next level” . wow! lots of comments about vibrators this week. I’ve got nothing to add . personally I’m continuously amazed that women are attracted to men . the rational side of my brain tells me it must be something else, like our wallets they’re secretly after. while this is sometimes true and there’s a lot to be said for the whole “security & stability” thing it seams that in many cases women like us period . without any rhyme or reason or secret agenda .
I don’t get open relationships-that’s jsut roommates with benefits. I don’t believe that setting rules will stop the other person from breaking them any more than asking for monogamy is inviting being cheated on. If blowing your wad is the most important thing, rock out with your cock out-but don’t sneer at me for wanting to be a one & only. Monogamous people CAN & DO love hot sex too-they just don’t have to wear a piece of plastic to have it.
I used to be totally cool with my boyfriend watching porn.
I look at porn.
Till he stopped having sex with me because, as I found out, he was watching gay porn.
We broke up yesterday.
Does this mean I have to start worrying if my vibrator is underage, diseased, exploited or simply having an awful time?
Listen folks, the only way that spreadingsantorum.com is going to remain the #1 hit on a Google search for the term “Rick Santorum” (its currently at #2 after the Wiki listing) is if we each search for ‘Rick Santorum’ and then click on the spreadingsantorum.com link. Enough said. Do your part!
Senator Frothymix – hahahahahahahahah
I’m just off to google Rick Santorum again.
Err on the side of the 3-way? Personally, I have way more regrets over sex I actually had, than the sex I thought I wanted at the time. The sex I regret NOT having, I shrug & say oh well, the world still turns. The sex I regret still make me cringe, & more than once, in more than one way I suffered for it.
Straight set my browser to hit spreadingsantorum.com repeatedly for the next 80 hours. You’re welcome, World.
To #85, “Emotional cheating”
You must be very proud of yourself, but here is what you missed:
You two should have connected with another guy and take him to your place. Then both of them are fucking you, and later you get to watch them fucking each other… and give them instructions as how you want them to do it….
Or you could call him on that, put him to shame and dominate him to do whatever it is you always wished he did for you.
But you missed it since you dumped him the other day. You may be very proud of yourself, but you lost the chance to have the time of your life!!!
“Opening our hearts and other relevant body parts to ours and our lovers’ kinks can make the world a much happier place to live in.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Oprah did a show on teen sex and her guest sex therapist (who looks strikingly like Goldie Hawn) was confirming the advantages of a vibrator for a teen girl. Super prude Gail (Oprah “BFF”) almost had a stroke yammering about how awful it was to even discuss such a thing let alone suggest it. The audience (primarily female) seemed split in favor of the vibrator but Gail continued her rant.
“Just talk to the guy”… bwhahaha, get real. Women , by and large, don’t do such things. Doesn’t happen. PUA guys are douchebags in a lot of ways, but one thing they have 100% right is this: The *absolute* most a woman will do if she wants to talk to you is put herself in physical proximity to you. That’s it.
Yes yes, we’re all liberated blah blah but this is how life works. No point in fighting it.
Um, 93, I’m a woman and it happened just like I said (at 60). It’s not that hard to do. Sure, lots of women, and men, have trouble striking up a conversation, but it does happen.
What’s a PUA guy?
@8
I like it too.
“Men enjoy porn, but women don’t.”
False.
I’m a woman, and I masturbate with the frequency and enthusiasm of your average 15 year-old dude, and I do it to porn.
Rick Santorum, in addition to Caribou Barbie (‘Oh, look honey—RUSSIA!’), is running his sorry, runny-brown, frothy ass for President? Let the GOP bashing begin! Hopefully we’ll stamp ’em out this time!
Geez, the sewers must be crawling with them!
I noticed even the Tea-Baggers are voting against Dino Rossi, the Mafia King of Slime.
And the world just keeps getting crazier and crazier……
I thought I’d never say this to anyone else, being the epitamy of shyness that I am, myself, but GCOHBSM, go fer it!!
Re: an earlier column: Don’t call people maladjusted sh*ts. It’s stressful enough with one word; two is redundant and rubbing it in.
Re: girls like porn (#8)
Really?! Some members of the same sex actually have different desires? No shit?
(OP: Don’t take this personally–this isn’t aimed at you, but really a sarcastic jab at those who believe that everyone has the same desires as themselves.)
Just purchased the titty fuck blow job kit for a friend in a disappointingly ggg-less marriage and there are many man masterbators on the market included those with vibrating and stroking action.