I’m sorry about sending this letter to you via snail mail. I don’t want to send an e-mail because I’d rather not have a record of this living forever on some server somewhere.

About six months ago, after watching my girlfriend insert a tampon, I asked if I could do it for her next time. She thought it was an odd request but agreed. After “helping” a few times, the conversation turned to what it felt like to wear one. Her response was, “Want to try one yourself?” With her help—and a little lube—soon there was a string hanging out of my butt. This has now become a regular feature of our sex life. And I have started doing this when I masturbate alone. I went out and got my own box of tampons—Tampax Pearl Plastic Regular are the best (they’re the easiest to insert)—which I keep hidden.

I have a few questions:

1. Why do I get such a euphoric feeling when I pull the tampon out when I’m coming? Does it have something to do with my prostate?

2. Am I doing any damage to myself?

3. Just how deviant is this practice?

The Ass Man’s Peculiar Anal Xccentricity

1. The tampon in your ass swells as it absorbs lube and rectal mucus and whatever else, TAMPAX, and stimulates—yes, indeed—your prostate as it swells. Yanking the tampon out when you’re coming further stimulates your prostate at the exact moment it’s being zapped by orgasmic contractions—contractions that involve your anal sphincter, which you’re also stimulating as you yank. A butt plug would provide you with the exact same sensations—well, the exact same physical sensations. Part of the tampon-related thrill for you, I suspect, is the gender-transgression aspect of this. You’re not just penetrating yourself, TAMPAX, you’re penetrating yourself with an absorbent feminine talisman. Not all men who enjoy anal penetration are interested in being symbolically feminized—ahem—but clearly you are, TAMPAX.

2. My hunch: As long as you’re using lube and not leaving ’em in for days at a time, you should be fine. And a medical expert I consulted—who wished to remain anonymous (he didn’t want his name linked forever to anal tampon play on some server somewhere, either)—backed me up. “This would pose zero risk,” says my medical expert. “Medically, there’s nothing else to say about it.”

3. When it comes to human sexuality, TAMPAX, deviation from imaginary and tyrannical “norms” is the norm.

I had a conversation over lunch with a gay friend who is into BDSM as a dominant. He told me he’s “coaching” a novice dom, a young straight fellow who doesn’t have much experience but who is into very heavy bondage and “some stuff that is potentially dangerous.” My friend warned him away from the dangerous stuff and is coaching him on safer and saner pursuits. The interesting thing, however, is that, whatever they do, they must both be fully clothed at all times. The reason? The young fellow is LDS, i.e., Mormon. For most people, BDSM is inescapably tied up (no pun intended) with sexuality, but leave it to a Mormon to attempt to de-eroticize erotic bondage!

Pornography, on the other hand (also no pun intended), is a serious plague destroying the moral fiber of this country. But not to worry: Deseret Book, the Mormon Church’s publishing arm, has developed the “Clean & Safe Media Pledge.” You’re supposed to download it, print it out, sign it, and put it near your computer. Then you don’t have to worry about porn ever again!

Latter Day Taint

There’s a lot of cross-orientation play in the BDSM scene these days, LDT, which has become less sexually segregated with every passing year. Skills are skills: An inexperienced straight bondage top can learn a lot from a gay bondage expert. The experience may be less erotic, or less intense, than being tied up by someone you’re physically and emotionally attracted to, of course, but it is still erotic—street clothes and/or magic underpants notwithstanding.

As for the Mormon Church’s “Clean & Safe Media Pledge,” LDT, that seems to work about as well as those purity pledges taken by countless unwed teen moms. Utah has the highest per capita online-porn consumption rates in the country.

I recently had a delightful evening out on the town with a friend of mine. Things got a little out of hand and both of us drank a small amount of a female bartender’s urine. I would say it was about one ounce each. We were pretty drunk, and I’m not quite sure what led up to it. I think we were trying to show how “badass” we were. It sounds really goddamn stupid when I type it. The urine was clear and it had little taste, but now I am concerned about the health risks. What sort of diseases could I contract? I really don’t want to get hepatitis or something.

Worried About Server’s Piss

You can scratch “drink a random bartender’s piss” off your bucket list, WASP, but everyone else out there reading has to add it to theirs.

Drinking urine presents no risk of HIV infection and low to no risk for just about everything save cooties. Hepatitis C is mainly blood-borne, and if there wasn’t any blood in your bartender’s urine—and if you didn’t have any cuts or open sores in your mouth—then you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

But you know what? You’re going to worry regardless, WASP, until you know for sure that you didn’t catch anything. So go see a doctor and get your bad ass tested.

Your maple-syrup fetishist from last week—the guy who had to smell maple syrup to get off—should find someone who is working on her milk supply or really likes fenugreek. While I was trying to nurse my son, I took fenugreek—an herb that helps with milk production—and, by God, I smelled like a Waffle House in all the important places.

Intriguingly Hot Odorous Pussy

Thanks for the tip, IHOP. And you weren’t the only reader with a tip for someone whose letter ran in last week’s column.

Seeking Slave Food’s mistress wanted to deny him the pleasures of food, and he was looking for a “slop” that was “highly nutritious but as bland-tasting as possible.” I urged him to patronize vegan restaurants where he lives—much to the consternation of the vegans. (Apparently, vegans are prejudiced against BDSMers and don’t want to dine with them—who knew?) But readers suggested that SSF try Nutraloaf, “a food served in United States prisons to inmates who have demonstrated significant behavioral issues,” according to its Wiki page. And my readers had lots of suggestions for the man who wanted to find straight porn for his iPhone: www.mobile
boner.com, www.pornhub.com, www.tube8.com, www.thehun.com, www.americansfortruth.com, and www.spankwire.com.

Savage Love: It’s about people helping people… smell like maple syrup, avoid vegan restaurants, and porn out their iPhones.

mail@savagelove.net

119 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. Dan’s statistic about the Utah having the highest per capita online-porn consumption rates in the country is just delicious. It is wonderful to contemplate all those sanctimonious Mormons secretly being giant porn consumers. However, Dan’s statistic is based on a study which found that Utah had the highest per capita number of paid subscriptions to online porn sites, 5.47 per 1,000 broadband users. That doesn’t necessarily tell us anything about mormon enjoyment of porn.

    Although a wide majority of Utahns are Mormon, if we look only at the major metropolitan areas, where broadband access is more likely, the ration of Mormons to non-Mormons is roughly 1:1. So, out of every 1,000 Utah broadband users, 500 are likely to be non-Mormon. It is not implausible to assume all or almost all of those 5.47 paid porn site subscribers come from the non-Mormon group.

    Explicit porn is illegal to sell in Utah, so it’s not hard to see why non-Mormon Utahns would be the most willing to part with their hard earned dough to find some good stuff. Hell, when I lived in Utah, in the days before internet porn, I used to drive all the way to Wyoming or Nevada so that I could smuggle porn back for myself.

  3. #32 (Nonamehere): “A clarification: Tampons should only be worn as long as they’re actually absorbing some sort of liquid.”

    Um, why? We have a clear case of someone enjoying a tampon for something other than absorbing liquid, and it’s fairly harmless. l don’t understand your statement.

    #78 (Stephie T): “The other end of your anus is your mouth”

    Please, please tell me you aren’t saying a tampon will actually make its way back through the body, up through the esophagus, and out the other end. l get promoting flared anal toys, but this is a ridiculous argument for it.

    #98 (San Fran Guy): THANK YOU!!

  4. Re: Buttpons:

    The differences between vagina and lower colon are both that one is short and the other is long( with lots of room for travel). I don’t understand the logic that a string hanging outside will prevent travel – unless it is attached to something large that can’t enter the anus. (Thats’s why butt plugs have flanges!)

    But another key difference is that the lower colon terminates in a sphincter muscle and the vagina doesn’t. If the anal sphincter is not ready for something to pass it can take a lot of force – that’s why both foreplay and lube are key for anal insertions. Tampon designers probably did not consider the worse case of anal withdrawal in specifying the strength of the string. Here there is a greater possibility that the string could break in anal removal vs. vaginal removal and at that point you have a real problem.

    Rather than suggesting that tampon manufacturers advertise to this “market”, perhaps TAMPAX should urge anal sex toy makers to come up with some tampon-like products that are safe.

  5. Re: Buttpons:

    The differences between vagina and lower colon are both that one is short and the other is long( with lots of room for travel). I don’t understand the logic that a string hanging outside will prevent travel – unless it is attached to something large that can’t enter the anus. (Thats’s why butt plugs have flanges!)

    But another key difference is that the lower colon terminates in a sphincter muscle and the vagina doesn’t. If the anal sphincter is not ready for something to pass it can take a lot of force – that’s why both foreplay and lube are key for anal insertions. Tampon designers probably did not consider the worse case of anal withdrawal in specifying the strength of the string. Here there is a greater possibility that the string could break in anal removal vs. vaginal removal and at that point you have a real problem.

    Rather than suggesting that tampon manufacturers advertise to this “market”, perhaps TAMPAX should urge anal sex toy makers to come up with some tampon-like products that are safe.

  7. #46, ” Just like getting funky with a zucchini never leads to good things…” Putting a condom on your zucchini solves the problem. Try that next time. 🙂

  9. On the whole BDSM behavioral gender imbalance thing, I think there may be a few contributing factors.
    One is, as several people have pointed out, traditional gender roles.

    Another is risk. Especially in nonmonogamous relationships, penetrative sex is always riskier for the penetratee than the penetrator. I suspect that, to at least some extent, part of the thrill for a sub can be the risk, but not so much for the dom.

    Another is, well, the biological differences in sexual response. Generally speaking, it’s pretty easy to stimulate a guy to orgasm, but it can be very difficult to get a woman to come, particularly from the aforementioned penetrative sex. So, when Master ties up and rides his sub, he’s probably having most of the fun. But when Mistress ties up and rides *her* sub, *he’s* still having most of the fun.

  10. #103: Um, because tampons are absorbent and if they aren’t absorbing liquid, they’re drying out membranes that need to remain lubricated, that’s why

  11. Ah the Stranger’s bashing of vegans continues. That was kinda out of left field and a sweeping generalization, near the end there. Why?? I’m curious because vegans are such a minority, to be smearing and broad-brushing all of the time. Hire a vegan writer, get some fucking balance in this liberal-leaning rag already if you’re going to constantly highlight omnivore vs vegan stuff

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  13. A Non-LDS friend of mine mentioned this letter about the LDS Dominatrix Who is learning. After reading some of the comments I realized that most of the commentators are just as prejudiced as they claim I am. I am LDS and a straight (like that’s not obvious being LDS and all) woman married with kids.
    What’s with all the rude and snarky behavior directed at a religion? Is it because you view our beliefs as contrary to yours? Let me clear up a few things for you. First…I have no problems with anyone of any race, religion or creed. If you are a good person who lives their life not hurting others and helping those in need you are a person I would call friend. Second…your sexuality is not a problem for me either. If you like boys, girls, both or neither that your business, not mine. I would never presume to tell you how to live your life unless you asked my opinion I would keep silent. Third…there are no “magic underwear.” I do however wear a garment that is like underwear that is a symbol of my personal commitment and covenants with my Heavenly Father. It is not magic. If I am faithful to my beliefs I will be protected by God in the things He wills me to be spared from. Notice the if it is His will. Each obstacle that He has given me is not necessarily for me to overcome but to live through and learn from. Each and every experience in this life is a learning one. Fourth… Your orientation is between you and your God and has nothing to do with me. Just as my orientation has nothing to do with you. Fifth…your views on my so called oppressed sexuality and the whole purity rings is laughable! How do you think all of those children born into LDS home got there? The way it works in a LDS marriage is just like any relationship in regards to what is allowed sexually. If both partners agree to it, it hurts no one and no one is brought into the marriage bed then so be it. So if both partners want to play with Dominance and Submission and all boundaries are respected than it is not forbidden. However no one will ever know how many there many be who do because we don’t go telling tales about what happens in our marriages. Sixth…the reason we believe marriage is for one man and one woman is because marriage is for the procreation of children and the stability of the family. There is alot of confusion from outsiders to what we believe but my question is why worry about what we believe? Worry about what YOU believe. I don’t push my religion on you and if you don’t want the missionaries that may come to your door hen send them away! Just as I have the right to send away someone with a petition to open an adult bookstore in my area. If you want to marry go right ahead. But don’t ask me to sign up for something if I don’t want to. I do not believe alternative sexuality from mine are always evil but neither are people who go to church always good. The human condition is one of great trials and beauty bu no one is all good or all evil. All we should strive for is to do better than the day before.
    That all said just for clairification my cousin is gay and married his boyfriend. Both are invited to all the normal family occasions and their children are just as beloved by everyone as any child would be. Yes he was raised LDS but decided to separate from the church as a teenager. Both are accepted into the family because they are family and we love them even if they choose to no be LDS any more.
    As for the signing of the paper and putting it next to your computer. It is a reminder of the promise you made not a magical sheild to save you from your baser human desires. Just like the garments I wear it is a covenant I made and the garments are a reminder of those promises between Heavenly Father and me. That is all. I am guessing your humor toward the purity rings is sarcastic because if you couldn’t figure out that it was merely a reminder to do what you made a promise to do when your hormones and mind are clouding your way.
    One more thing there is no repressed sexuality in my marriage and how would you know if there were some marriages repressed anyway? It sounds like most of you have never been friends with a devout LDS couple let alone privy to their private times. As it is not common to discuss the marriage bed with others as it is inappropriate in the extreme. The only people with knowledge of what goes on in a LDS couples sexual life is the couple and possibly a therapist if there are some sort of issues that need to be worked out. For example I was sexually assaulted as a teenager and it was imperative to work through those issues when they crop up and cause a problem. There are so many things that I could enlighten you about but I suspect you are just as close minded to my ideas as you claim I am to yours. The difference is I am not prejudiced against your lifestyles of BSDM, swinging, Bi, Trans, Hetro, Homo etc. I let you live your life as you see fit as it is yours to do with as you please. Also to Dan who loves to say that you cannot be against Homosexuality because you only pick and choose the parts of the bible to listen to. For example divorce, premarital or extramarital sex, swearing, ect. I have news for you I have never done any of those things so I guess that in your exame then I am allowed to be against homosexuality? How does that work out for you? In fact I know alot of people who have never done any of those things. I also have never done drugs, drank alcohol, smoked or even drink caffeinated things. Does that make me sheltered? No, because I see the world as it is and I a so grateful for parents who taught me to listen to try and to do what is right. However I never look down on people who fail from time to time to do what they believe because we are human after all and it is why we are here on earth. To learn, to live, to love and to do what is right and repent when we fail to make it. So it seem your arguements are invalid by your own reasoning. Plus your obvious prejudiced views contradict your own teachings of tolerance and acceptance.

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