I’m sorry about sending this letter to you via snail mail. I don’t want to send an e-mail because I’d rather not have a record of this living forever on some server somewhere.

About six months ago, after watching my girlfriend insert a tampon, I asked if I could do it for her next time. She thought it was an odd request but agreed. After “helping” a few times, the conversation turned to what it felt like to wear one. Her response was, “Want to try one yourself?” With her help—and a little lube—soon there was a string hanging out of my butt. This has now become a regular feature of our sex life. And I have started doing this when I masturbate alone. I went out and got my own box of tampons—Tampax Pearl Plastic Regular are the best (they’re the easiest to insert)—which I keep hidden.

I have a few questions:

1. Why do I get such a euphoric feeling when I pull the tampon out when I’m coming? Does it have something to do with my prostate?

2. Am I doing any damage to myself?

3. Just how deviant is this practice?

The Ass Man’s Peculiar Anal Xccentricity

1. The tampon in your ass swells as it absorbs lube and rectal mucus and whatever else, TAMPAX, and stimulates—yes, indeed—your prostate as it swells. Yanking the tampon out when you’re coming further stimulates your prostate at the exact moment it’s being zapped by orgasmic contractions—contractions that involve your anal sphincter, which you’re also stimulating as you yank. A butt plug would provide you with the exact same sensations—well, the exact same physical sensations. Part of the tampon-related thrill for you, I suspect, is the gender-transgression aspect of this. You’re not just penetrating yourself, TAMPAX, you’re penetrating yourself with an absorbent feminine talisman. Not all men who enjoy anal penetration are interested in being symbolically feminized—ahem—but clearly you are, TAMPAX.

2. My hunch: As long as you’re using lube and not leaving ’em in for days at a time, you should be fine. And a medical expert I consulted—who wished to remain anonymous (he didn’t want his name linked forever to anal tampon play on some server somewhere, either)—backed me up. “This would pose zero risk,” says my medical expert. “Medically, there’s nothing else to say about it.”

3. When it comes to human sexuality, TAMPAX, deviation from imaginary and tyrannical “norms” is the norm.

I had a conversation over lunch with a gay friend who is into BDSM as a dominant. He told me he’s “coaching” a novice dom, a young straight fellow who doesn’t have much experience but who is into very heavy bondage and “some stuff that is potentially dangerous.” My friend warned him away from the dangerous stuff and is coaching him on safer and saner pursuits. The interesting thing, however, is that, whatever they do, they must both be fully clothed at all times. The reason? The young fellow is LDS, i.e., Mormon. For most people, BDSM is inescapably tied up (no pun intended) with sexuality, but leave it to a Mormon to attempt to de-eroticize erotic bondage!

Pornography, on the other hand (also no pun intended), is a serious plague destroying the moral fiber of this country. But not to worry: Deseret Book, the Mormon Church’s publishing arm, has developed the “Clean & Safe Media Pledge.” You’re supposed to download it, print it out, sign it, and put it near your computer. Then you don’t have to worry about porn ever again!

Latter Day Taint

There’s a lot of cross-orientation play in the BDSM scene these days, LDT, which has become less sexually segregated with every passing year. Skills are skills: An inexperienced straight bondage top can learn a lot from a gay bondage expert. The experience may be less erotic, or less intense, than being tied up by someone you’re physically and emotionally attracted to, of course, but it is still erotic—street clothes and/or magic underpants notwithstanding.

As for the Mormon Church’s “Clean & Safe Media Pledge,” LDT, that seems to work about as well as those purity pledges taken by countless unwed teen moms. Utah has the highest per capita online-porn consumption rates in the country.

I recently had a delightful evening out on the town with a friend of mine. Things got a little out of hand and both of us drank a small amount of a female bartender’s urine. I would say it was about one ounce each. We were pretty drunk, and I’m not quite sure what led up to it. I think we were trying to show how “badass” we were. It sounds really goddamn stupid when I type it. The urine was clear and it had little taste, but now I am concerned about the health risks. What sort of diseases could I contract? I really don’t want to get hepatitis or something.

Worried About Server’s Piss

You can scratch “drink a random bartender’s piss” off your bucket list, WASP, but everyone else out there reading has to add it to theirs.

Drinking urine presents no risk of HIV infection and low to no risk for just about everything save cooties. Hepatitis C is mainly blood-borne, and if there wasn’t any blood in your bartender’s urine—and if you didn’t have any cuts or open sores in your mouth—then you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

But you know what? You’re going to worry regardless, WASP, until you know for sure that you didn’t catch anything. So go see a doctor and get your bad ass tested.

Your maple-syrup fetishist from last week—the guy who had to smell maple syrup to get off—should find someone who is working on her milk supply or really likes fenugreek. While I was trying to nurse my son, I took fenugreek—an herb that helps with milk production—and, by God, I smelled like a Waffle House in all the important places.

Intriguingly Hot Odorous Pussy

Thanks for the tip, IHOP. And you weren’t the only reader with a tip for someone whose letter ran in last week’s column.

Seeking Slave Food’s mistress wanted to deny him the pleasures of food, and he was looking for a “slop” that was “highly nutritious but as bland-tasting as possible.” I urged him to patronize vegan restaurants where he lives—much to the consternation of the vegans. (Apparently, vegans are prejudiced against BDSMers and don’t want to dine with them—who knew?) But readers suggested that SSF try Nutraloaf, “a food served in United States prisons to inmates who have demonstrated significant behavioral issues,” according to its Wiki page. And my readers had lots of suggestions for the man who wanted to find straight porn for his iPhone: www.mobile
boner.com, www.pornhub.com, www.tube8.com, www.thehun.com, www.americansfortruth.com, and www.spankwire.com.

Savage Love: It’s about people helping people… smell like maple syrup, avoid vegan restaurants, and porn out their iPhones.

mail@savagelove.net

119 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. @30–tampons can and do “get lost” inside women, most often in the manner described by @45. My gynecologist friend tells me it’s the most common cause of unusual vaginal discharge & odor; she discovers 2-3 “lost tampons” a week.

    And as for me, one of the lingering pleasures of sex is the cum dripping down my leg during the day, smelling it on my panties when I go to the bathroom, etc. I have no wish to hide the evidence. But then, I’m a bit of a perv.

  2. @51– I agree, feeling and smelling my guy for several hours afterward (esp if we do it in the morning before work) keeps a smile on my face for a long time. Oddly enough, he thinks it’s kind of disgusting.

  4. #38/39 (Seldon 2639): Interesting stuff.
    What does a straight male sub want? Does he want to lick his domme until she comes or does he want her to humiliate him before either making him come or allowing him to make himself come? Or is it something else entirely.

    I’ve thought about the differences between “typical” male and female sexuality a lot, and it’s long been obvious to me that whereas most men want to *do* things *to* women, most women want to have things *done to* them. Both those responses tend to reinforce existing cultural norms and I have often wondered how much of them are innate and how much of them are culturally ingrained. The fairy tale Sleeping Beauty is a very old example of how these roles and behaviors play themselves out.

    I also wonder if that is what is behind a phenomenon that irritates many men: the woman isn’t active enough; she just lies back and expects the man to do all the work. But she may well just be so indoctrinated in the paradigm of the man doing to and the woman getting done to that she never even thought about being a more active participant.

    This doesn’t apply to more kinky sex, even if the woman is submissive, as either she’s being *made* to do a lot more, or she’s implicitly (or explicitly) asking to have things done to her, in which case, she’s an active participant.

  7. I used to work for Planned Parenthood (a loooong time ago) and we used to tell women to cut a tampon in half to use after sex when using a spermacide foam to absorb the excess. I remember one woman said it would also be good for ordinary post sex “runoff.” And I thought, “Why would anyone want to remove that smell?” It’s one of my favorite things, not only in itself, but in the memories it evokes.

    These days, I like to collect my own juices (and those of my partner, or the two of us intermingled) and rub them on my neck and wrists–the same pulse points that perfume manufacturers advise you to use when applying fragrance–and catch whiffs all throughout the day.

  8. I thought Dan Savage’s vegan comment was rather funny too, though it did reveal that Dan Savage didn’t research that answer very well. For starters, BDSM folks are welcome in vegan restaurants, provided they realize vegan food is some of the spiciest food in the nation.

    NutraLoaf is somewhat complex to make and needs to be baked. A slop of sweet potatoes and peanuts would fit the bill without requiring “mistress” to do much work herself (she could even make slave make his own slop without him needing fingers, toes, or fire), and as it is vegan it still permits Dan Savage to make jokes about vegans.

    Back at the turn of the 19th century George Washington Carver proved that human beings could live off a diet of nothing but sweet potatoes and peanuts. While this kind of diet would quickly make you wish you didn’t live off sweet potatoes and peanuts, it fits the bill for “mistress” perfectly.

  9. JustAnotherSavageLover wrote:
    Tampons can and do “get lost” inside women, most often in the manner described by @45. My gynecologist friend tells me it’s the most common cause of unusual vaginal discharge & odor; she discovers 2-3 “lost tampons” a week.

    And as for me, one of the lingering pleasures of sex is the cum dripping down my leg during the day, smelling it on my panties when I go to the bathroom, etc. I have no wish to hide the evidence. But then, I’m a bit of a perv.
    ***

    I like that feeling when I’m staying home and sitting around grinning like an idiot, but not when I have to leave the apartment and pretend to be a normal adult. We all have our quirks!

    As for the “lost” tampons, I thought I covered that when I wrote that riskiest thing about them is forgetting you’ve already inserted one. (I don’t mix sex and tampons, myself–that’s one way around the problem.)

  12. Fenugreek really does work! my milk, underarms, and private areas all smelled lightly of maple syrup while i was taking it. it was pretty hilarious. 😛

  13. Hey, #58, are you joking, or are you unable to perceive one yourself? I honestly can’t tell. Well, I’m pretty sure you must be kidding, but I have a tiny nagging doubt. Eh, being sleep-deprived is messing with my social perceptions, very bad indeed.

  16. I would just like to let maple syrup guy know that that is the most ADORABLE kink, and were he my boyfriend I’d let him pour it all over me and lick it off, or I’d wear it as perfume. Seriously. That kink is not a deal breaker, and I’m pretty fucking vanilla.

  17. @20 I’m glad someone like it!

    I realized after I posted it that I forgot one of the main elements of the bird’s anatomy: its butt! The original Buttpon bird had a large butt that was basically an elongated heart shape attached to the stick figure’s waist. Ah, high school.

  18. Neptune @67: I like the additional image of the butt. I saved the link you posted above so I can look at it when I need to laugh at something silly. Your definition reminds me of the “human horn” episode of Futurama.

    Ah, high school indeed. Though when I was in high school (1990-94) AIM didn’t exist. Or did it? All I know is that e-mail and the internet didn’t exist in my life until college.

  19. A reasonable method of administering fenugreek without having to just eat spoonfuls of the stuff is by getting some basterma at your local Arabic grocer. It’s a distant relative of pastrami, and coated with fenugreek; fry a few slices up like you would bacon with breakfast. I know I always end up smelling like maple syrup afterwards…

  20. Hey Dan, I am a long time reader and lover of you, but I have to disagree about your TAMPAX butt plug theory. Anal stimulation is not always the same. For instance; my husband’s finger, a tampon, and a butt plug are all very different. Given that TAMPAX used lube to insert his tampon does not mean when inserted it mimicks a butt plug or finger at all. Tampons(Tampax in fact) are made of cotton, rayon, and polyester etc. which is absorbent and contours to wherever you put it. They absorb! I feel like butt plugs and fingers don’t take away whatever important layer in your rectum is there. Don’t get me wrong. I want people to get off however they want or need to and I won’t judge. I am just stating that butt plugs and whatever else seem safer to me because they don’t absorb which is why, maybe the tampon companys haven’t gotten into this. With all respect, SR St. Louis

  21. “Intriguingly Hot (Mal-)Odorous Pussy” My Ex had that title Down! (I think she secretely ate a LOT of salmonella-infused tuna. Whoa!)

    “..wouldn’t it be a good idea for him to tie something onto the end of the tampon so it doesn’t get (lost) inside?”

    That’s why GOD invented bricks. (And why I ALWAYS leash-up my Gerbil. Or Hamster. Whatever.) (I’ve lately been pondering the Idea getting a shock-collar for the little Bugger. Any thoughts?) (Oooo — I’ve just had one! How’s about an electrical-cord-leash? Any more thoughts?) (Don’t try this at Home!)

  22. @47

    I’m not really sure. The bit of femdom pornography I’ve seen (especially jerk-off encouragement and instruction) falls kind of into two categories: (1) sweeter, I-want-you-to-feel-good encouragement, or (2) humiliating, degrading, worthless-little-baby-dicked-jerk-off-boy instructions.

    Insofar as the second category tells me that there are some guys who either fetishize being in a position of inferiority, or actually feel inferior (I fear the latter, frankly), I presume some guys legitimately like the “lick my boots, worship me, you should be glad I’m letting a worthless prick like you taste my skin” domination. What confuses me is that I’ve never met a domme (admittedly, I’ve never searched specifically for one) who wasn’t like that. Hell, I’ve seen some dommes advertising on fetlife or craigslist specifically that they would “allow” a guy to go down on them.

    The final question you ask was kind of the one I was. There’s no fathomable reason it *shouldn’t* happen, except that it doesn’t. That’s my confusion. Even assuming that dommes who want to be doing this *to* her male sub and female subs who want to please (without reciprocity) her dom are at the extremes of the bell-curve, having never seen one is a curiosity to me. Though, I guess if we include some of the more disturbing and degrading BDSM relationships men post about on the interwebs, it may be different. Still, the lack of dommes of this type is still odd to me.

    @54

    Depends on the sub, honestly. From the female friends of mine through the interwebs who switch or domme (and seeing posts places like fetlife), there’s a lot of the desire for humiliation, and at least enough desire to be servile that the dommes who offer to allow a sub to lick her out are getting responses. For me, I’m peculiar, and my interests run more toward encouragement and mild embarrassment as a sub. I’m, honestly, kind of a softie as a submissive.

    Per Snow White, I’m not really sure. I’ve had some girlfriends who actually enjoy doing things *to* me, but who still wanted me to be the one to initiate any kind of intimacy, to say nothing of anything kinky. My last girlfriend was eager to give great oral sex, and even some kinky stuff therein, but it had to be me telling her to do it; which feels like it’s still me doing it *to* her.

    I think the entire paradigm of women being expected to be the more passive recipient (especially insofar as it allows women not to expect more of themselves, and requires men to accept it) does create the problem you mention.

    That said, it *does* apply to kinky sex. Excluding either rape roleplays (in which she is an active participant by begging him to stop) or if she’s *really* good at begging, neither explicit nor (especially) implicit “asking” to have it done to her defrays the passive nature of her role. My biggest problem with being a dom is that very mindset.

    I don’t consider it active for me to tie up a sub, have her legs tied apart, and her completely exposed to me, and then simply lie there and drown in pleasure while I do all of the work. It’s just massively inequitable; I’m doing an awful lot of work making her come, and the only pleasure I then get is more work for me to do? Christ, I’m not lazy, but that just sucks in my opinion.

  23. @#72 Seldon2639):
    With a few choice word substitutions, your description of *dominating* a woman by which you mean you do all the work (“I don’t consider it active for me to tie up a sub, have her legs tied apart, and her completely exposed to me, and then simply lie there and drown in pleasure while I do all of the work. It’s just massively inequitable; I’m doing an awful lot of work making her come, and the only pleasure I then get is more work for me to do? Christ, I’m not lazy, but that just sucks in my opinion.”) is exactly my attitude towards going camping!

    Why would I want to spend my vacation doing even more work of basically the same nature but under less comfortable conditions?

  24. @72 (seldon), It’s true that it’s not easy to find someone with whom you’re sexually compatible. Why blame people (female subs, female dommes) for asking for what they want? If your desires aren’t compatible, then go find someone else.

    That said, both parties don’t have to love the activity equally. I like being beaten, but I understand that it’s hard work. So I’m happy to reciprocate by donning a strap-on or whatever.

    Maybe you just need more communication. Tell them (preferably in an evil voice, if you’re domming) you understand that they want this activity, and in return you hope they will enthusiastically do X for you.

  25. #72 (Seldon):
    I wouldn’t identify myself as a sub in the BDSM-understanding of the term. The sex I like, while somewhat moderately kinky in its own way, would probably seem laughably vanilla to a member of the BDSM community.
    But I often like being submissive without being hurt–no whips or bondage I couldn’t escape from if I wanted it–and in that capacity, I’ve experienced both the aspect of female submission you described (do something I love to me, while I’m immobilized and on display) AND also being told or *made* to *do* something *to* my male partner. Some of these actions are ones I like doing, and some are actions I wouldn’t voluntarily choose if I were setting the agenda, but which I nevertheless turn out to find very erotic.

    And I also like to switch the roles, not so much in humiliating or degrading my partner, but in perhaps tying him up, and riding him, or allowing him to watch, but not touch–either me or himself–as I masturbate until he begs me to let him have some relief.

    I don’t know what it says that you, operating in the *real* BDSM world with clearly identified doms and subs, have only run accross those two limited and limiting options. I suspect it may have something to do with the officalness of that world and its carefully delineated roles, whereas in my undefined and unidentified role, as a non-member of any “scene,” there are no expectations as to what either of us can do.

    Then it becomes a matter of tailoring the events and agency to the people involved and the moods that each is in, etc.

  27. Great response, Dan, to TAMPAX!

    @70: I agree, though, with STR.
    Tampons are absorbent. Fingers, cocks, and butt plugs, et cetera, aren’t.
    Proceed with caution, TAMPAX.

  28. I want to point out that something that does not have a flared base on it should never never never be used anally! The other end of your anus is your mouth, your vagina is much much different. Any orgasm or vigorous anal contraction has the potential of pulling the item into the anus further, and then you’re faced with the potential of making yourself an embarrassing doctors appointment. I like the column, but Dan! Anal play using a device that is not attached to your body necessitates a flared base!

  29. @73

    Precisely. If at the end of the day, the benefit to me is that I then get to simply screw her, the kink loses it’s interest.

    @74

    I’m not assigning blame, I promise. I’m not a misogynist, and I don’t feel there’s anything “wrong” with how the women I’ve interacted with in a BDSM context feel. I’m just curious about what I see as a rather interesting tendency. I will say, I’ve tried your method, though. It pissed off one sub something fierce, and a domme ended up just asking me to leave.

    If there is any bitterness (and perhaps there is) it’s the feeling of entitlement I see a lot of women in the BDSM community possessing.

    @75

    Good points, in general, though I’ve run into the same issues in the amateur population as well (I’m not sure the right word for people into kinks, but not into the entire lifestyle).

    In the interest of full-disclosure, I’m not into the lifestyle either. My interaction with the more formalized BDSM stuff is mostly through relationships with individuals involved. But…

    There are elements in what I’m saying, even in your switch-based D/S relationship. He “makes” you do things to him, where he has to “beg” you for relief. *Shrugs* I dunno, maybe it’s just one of those things.

  31. #79: No, no, that’s not it.

    Perhaps I didn’t articulate it clearly enough.

    When I’m being submissive, I am also being active, in that I might be told to do something, rather than just having things done to me. Sometimes the things I am *made* to do are things I would never think of orchestrating. Sometimes he gets control over who I will fuck–and I agree because I like ceding that control to him.

    The “begging” on his part, comes about when I’ve been VERY active, controlling what he can or can’t do, or teasing him long past the point at which he’d like to be allowed to come. Then he begs (I don’t *make* him beg, he just gets reduced to desperation, which I love because it asserts my control–he gets reduced to a state of total submission, or I have total control over whether I’ll allow him to orgasm through my agency. I may suck him off then, or stimulate his prostate while he fucks me, or something else. He’s never just begging me to assume a passive role while he does the work of getting me off when I take control. But the bottom line is that I get to choose when and if he’ll orgasm and whether he does that though plain old, missionary-style fucking, his goal is not about pleasing me, but about FINALLY be allowed to come.

    To be honest, I’ve really only had this relationship with one man, and part of the reason that it worked so well was that in *real* life, I am a very assertive, strong woman, and he is extremely respectful, but has always had a strong desire to control women sexually, even though most of his other relationsips have been very egalitarian. So when we took on those other aspects of our personality, it was with an appreciation that the other was giving something up for it.
    If I had been a dishrag in all aspects of my life, my submission wouldn’t have come at any cost to my natural autonomy and he wouldn’t have valued it so much. And because he liked to be in control sexually so much, it was a real sacrifice on his part to submit to me and my plans, which I appreciated because it made his submission more valuable because it came at greater cost.

    I guess at rock bottom, there’s no full escape from the dynamic that frustrates you–as long as women can be easily penetrated and men have the appendages to penetrate, as long as men typically reach orgasm more quickly and easily than most women there will probably always be an element of whatever it is that makes you sigh. But if you’re invested enough in being creative, things don’t have to follow such cut-and-dried roles and rules.

  32. @72: I don’t consider it active for me to tie up a sub, have her legs tied apart, and her completely exposed to me, and then simply lie there and drown in pleasure while I do all of the work. It’s just massively inequitable; I’m doing an awful lot of work making her come, and the only pleasure I then get is more work for me to do?

    It sounds like you’ve taken on the role of a service top, and you don’t like it. Trust me, there are plenty of submissive women who love being made to perform as their dom wishes. Don’t settle for partners who aren’t willing to put in the effort for you.

  33. Despite Dan’s counsel, I’m doubtful about the safety of buttpons. Tampons, being absorbent, most likely STICK and remove a layer of crucial mucus membrane upon removal if not sufficiently lubricated. (This doesn’t happen much to women since menstrual blood keeps it lubricated).
    BTW I’m surprised to read that ER doctors remove 2-3 “lost” tampons a week — I thought that was was an urban myth. It’s not like there’s a lotta space for them to get lost in!
    But, back to safety — a friend of mine once put a tampon up his nose at a party, for grins. It swelled, and stuck, and he had a hell of a painful time getting it out. He was (and is) a county judge. But that’s Texas for you.

  35. Um, isnt the first rule of buttplugs “Thou shalt use a plug with a base?”

    How is a tampon different from a tiny, cotton buttplug? It cant “get lost” in a woman because there is nowhere for it to go….but an anus seems like a mighty fine desert for a tampon to go wandering in.

  36. Best sexual advice ever given, a gay friend in SF, years ago… Always use a small tampon after anal/vaginal sex. The tampon absorbs everything, keeping it tight. It works, been doing it for years. Biggest problem is forgetting it’s up there.

  39. @79 Seldon, there are lots of people in the world. Try asking for what you want from more than two women before you write us off for our feelings of “entitlement.”

    Yeah, experienced BDSM women feel entitled to ask for they want, and to not do what they don’t want to do. It’s called negotiation. Try it more often, and maybe you’ll get what you want. Or maybe not. Life isn’t fair. But in the BDSM world, if you don’t ask for what you want, you’re pretty much guaranteed not to get it.

  40. @89

    Wow. You read a lot of bitterness into my post that I didn’t put there. Tone is difficult to tell over text, I guess. Maybe I should use more emoticons.

    You’re absolutely right, there are a lot of people in the world, but please don’t misinterpret “I only specifically mentioned two women” with “I only noticed this of two women”. They were illustrations, not the sum total of my experiencing this phenomenon.

    Like I said above, I’m not really angry about it per se, more confused. That said, your characterization of feeling “entitled to ask for what they want” is distinct from the meaning of the word “entitled” as I used it. My point was about the significant number of women I’ve run into on both sides of the D/S equation who *demand* that their conception of the distribution of labor be adhered to.

    Not for nothing, but it isn’t just women who have significant experience in BDSM. If you took any hundred random female self-identified subs, and sussed out whether they’re more of the “serve and please” or “passive recipient” variety, I’d bet all the money in my pocket against all the money in yours that at least ninety of them would fit into the latter. I’d bet the divide is closer to 50/50 among men. Reverse the question, ask dom(mes). I’d bet around 90% of dommes believe the job of the sub is to serve and please, with only 10% wanting a passive recipient of whatever treatment whey want to give; and I’d wager it’s closer to 50/50 among men.

    Yes, I agree, negotiation is important, and insofar as I’ve had partners with whom I’m simply incompatible, I’ve walked away. My curiosity is less “bawww, I want what I want”, and more “why is the difference between the genders quite so large, and quite so predictable”.

    You’re reading bitterness and scorn where I’m simply legitimately wondering.

    That said, going with “eh, life isn’t fair” seems somewhat odd to me. I would imagine that if you had a female sub writing to Dan who was complaining about how every male dom she’d ever had simply demanded blowjob after blowjob, and never gave her any pleasure, you’d be a bit less glib. If I’m wrong in that assessment, I do apologize for casting aspersions.

  41. Lol at the unnamed “medical expert”. It would be a shame if any medical experts you know become known for anal tampons instead of, say, drinking copious amounts of urine.

  42. @92:
    You know Seldon, I was thinking that it’s really not about the D/S relationship, but the gendered relationship. You want to divorce the D/S from gender, so that a female S would act in a more masculinely gendered way (doing *to*), and you’d like to configure the male S to someone who gets to enjoy the traditionally female role (being done *to*).

    I’ve been thinking about that, and wonder if you wouldn’t have better success by initiating conversations about which roles both of you are fulfilling that encompasses not only “dom/domme” and “sub” roles, but also gendered roles.

    Worth a try, anyhow.

  43. Seldon —

    All this whining — pardon me, *wondering* — about female “entitlement” is fascinating, really, but isn’t there a pedophile somewhere who needs a champion?

  45. @38–there are some female dommes like you describe. I love having my partner tied up so I can have my way with him. I mean, yes, I sit on his face, but it’s mostly me doing things to him, not the other way around.

  47. I just discovered something mildly amusing and tres, tres au courant. If you type the words “masturbation” and “witchcraft” into Google, it leads its results with numerous links to stories about Christine O’Donnell.

    You don’t have to thank me. You may now return to your regularly scheduled reading.

  48. Apropos of absolutely nothing, I’ve made a mildly amusing and tres, tres au courant discovery: if you type the words “masturbation” and “witchcraft” into Google, it immediately pulls up links to stories about Christine O’Donnell at the top of the results.

    Just sayin’…

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