I’m a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for a couple of months. Two years ago, during an uncharacteristically wild few months in my life, I had a threesome with a couple, and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with them. We see them socially and have even all had dinner together. Nothing has been mentioned by anyone, and I’ve never told my BF. I feel guilty—not because I slept with his friends, but rather because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception of me. I don’t view threesomes as morally wrong, but I’m worried he does. Should I tell him?

Threesome Complications

Yes, TC, you should tell him.

He’s going to find out eventually—this isn’t the kind of secret that keeps—and the revelation will be much more damaging if he finds out about it from the couple or from a malicious third (fourth?) party. And while a threesome may be inconsistent with his current impression of you, TC, that’s something he might be able to get over. He’s much less likely to get over the realization that you were keeping this secret from him or that you’re so stupid as to think that this kind of secret can be kept.

And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right now he’s operating under the assumption that his boyfriend isn’t the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you’re operating under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you are wrong—you are the sort of person who has threesomes—so it stands to reason that your assumptions about him could be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or foursomes.

You’re the kind of person who can have a threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved, TC, and that’s a selling point, something in your favor, and nothing you should be ashamed of.

The time has come for you to use your influence to pick a day between now and the November election and declare it Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day in either the state of Delaware or the entire United States of America. This needs to happen, and you’re the only guy who can do it.

Hiding At The Elusive Fuzz Under Christine’s Knockers

For Savage Love readers who don’t read anything else: Christine O’Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously gay-baiting her straight primary opponent, and opposing masturbation because it makes the baby Jesus cry.

I’m all for masturbating to Christine O’Donnell, HATEFUCK, but why limit it to one day? So I hereby declare every day between now and November 2—when O’Donnell’s nomination costs the GOP a Senate seat—to be Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!

I just read about a gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas—who killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. It’s just heartbreaking and sickening. What the hell can we do?

Gay Bullying Victim Who Survived

Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other “Christians” out there who oppose anti-bullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).

Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.

Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural areas, exurbs, and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations or services for queer kids.

“My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas,” a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to my blog. “I wish I could have told you that things get better.”

I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that it gets better. I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets better.

But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.

Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.

So here’s what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them it gets better.

I’ve launched a channel on YouTube—www
­.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject—to host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were both bullied—he had it a lot worse than I did—and we are living proof that it gets better. We don’t dwell too much on the past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things in our lives now—our families, our friends (gay and straight), the places we’ve gone and things we’ve experienced—that we would’ve missed out on if we’d killed ourselves then.

“You gotta give ’em hope,” Harvey Milk said.

Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better. Online support groups are great, GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.

The video my husband and I made is up now—all by itself. I’d like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults—singles and couples, with kids or without, established in careers or just starting out, urban and rural, of all races and religious backgrounds. (Go to www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find instructions for submitting your video.) If you’re gay or lesbian or bi or trans and you’ve ever read about a kid like Billy Lucas and thought, “Fuck, I wish I could’ve told him that it gets better,” this is your chance. We can’t help Billy, but there are lots of other Billys out there—other despairing LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don’t think they have a future—and we can help them.

They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give them hope.

mail@savagelove.net

279 replies on “Savage Love”

  4. I cried when I saw the videos on this posting. It is so moving and hopeful to see our community rally around its young people. It makes me feel like, while these deaths will never be justified, if it makes the world pay attention to this problem & give resource to these youth, at least they weren’t in vain. We queers are a beautiful bunch and I’m so pleased to be one of you! 🙂

  6. Dan I love what you’re doing. I’m a straight woman, whose 15 years old niece recently told she is gay. It wasn’t a surprise, I notice how she acted, how she dressed, how she interact with other people, and I was pretty sure she was gay. But my first thought was her safety, how can I protect her from all those other people that doesn’t understand, and worst that doesn’t accept their differences. It was looking information that I came across your youtube channel, it was a great experience, I instantly felt like is going to be alright, my niece is going to be alright. First of all because she have me, her father, and her stepmother, that accept her just the way she is. I know that a lot of others teenegers don’t have that support, and I want them to know that they should be true to their self and look for their hapiness, eventually they will find that person who support them, just don’t give up.

  7. Maybe they should realize the world does not want people to be different, it is sad they feel the need to kill themselves and that is not acceptable but the gay thing is something that should be private. People don’t want to know about gay people. Accept it.

  8. I was bullied throughout the entirety of my school years and I didn’t need to refer to some creepy support group of adults targeting questionably gay children. I suppose children are more gullible and easily coerced than any other demographic amirite?

    I dealt with my problems by developing thick skin, using acquired experience and above all, refusing to give up, and not one of your pathetic groups is going to do any of that for a kid.

    What you’re doing is much more monstrous and cruel than what any of those bullies did, to be honest. You are robbing kids of the reality of life, putting them in a nice safe little bubble that will agonizingly erupt when they get into the real world. You cannot please everyone, and nothing in life is beautiful forever.

    Oh yeah, and when someone commits suicide, it’s an act of their own free will, and it wouldn’t make much sense to sue a rope company because one of their ropes were used by a suicidal teen.

    Think about it.

  9. I was bullied throughout the entirety of my school years and I didn’t need to refer to some creepy support group of adults targeting questionably gay children. I suppose children are more gullible and easily coerced than any other demographic amirite?

    I dealt with my problems by developing thick skin, using acquired experience and above all, refusing to give up, and not one of your pathetic groups is going to do any of that for a kid.

    What you’re doing is much more monstrous and cruel than what any of those bullies did, to be honest. You are robbing kids of the reality of life, putting them in a nice safe little bubble that will agonizingly erupt when they get into the real world. You cannot please everyone, and nothing in life is beautiful forever.

    Oh yeah, and when someone commits suicide, it’s an act of their own free will, and it wouldn’t make much sense to sue a rope company because one of their ropes were used by a suicidal teen.

    Think about it.

  10. Dan and Terry, you have done a wonderful, beautiful, inspiring thing with this project. I know you and the others who have posted here are helping young people who are struggling, and will continue to help them. It’s even helpful to those of us going through hard times unrelated to sexuality when we are well past high school. The world is brighter because of this project. Thank you.

  12. I love the masturbation idea – but don’t think I could get it up for Christine. Thanks so very much for your video. So far I have the most hits and thumbs up for my comment. Wow.

  13. Oh my gosh.. I loved your video Dan and Terry.. It speaks volumes.. It really, truly DOES get better.. (P.S I totally fell in lust with Terry when he face-palms about his cheesy pick up line LOL)

  14. this project is beautiful. One other thought (and I SO hope you see this!) is that a significant number of kids who are being abused—physically and sexually– attempt and may complete suicide as well.

    Can we please tell kids who are being sexually abused to hang in there too please? Ask them to come read the pages for kids who are being sexually abused at JustTell.org a new nonprofit which encourages sexually abused kids to tell an adult they trust about what’s happening.

    Peace
    Vivian Farmery
    Director, Just Tell
    JustTell.org

  15. This is a beautiful campaign. I wanted to add that kids who are being physically and sexually abused commit suicide at alarming rates too. Kids who are being sexually abused need to know that they can and should tell an adult they trust what’s happening to them. They can read about why it isn’t their fault, why they need feel no guilt or shame for the abuse and why they need to tell at JustTell.org
    Thank you.
    Vivian Farmery
    Just Tell

  16. Lisa M. January- God bless Joel Burns for his bravery and his empathy! Any child that is sad or being hurt because they are different is so wrong. Any parent that sees this talk to your children, this is NOT right. Gay is not wrong it’s just different and ANY child that is being mean to them could single out YOUR own child for ANY reason and do the SAME thing. We all saw it in school. It is our job to begin building awareness, and teaching tolerance, these poor kids are in so much pain. And any person choosing to not agree with me is fine, but DO not post any response because there is no time for your ignorance, I”ll pray for you, but your words will NOT be seen for long on any page. Different isn’t bad, it’s just different, you’d think we’d all get this by now.

  17. Lisa M. January- God bless Joel Burns for his bravery and his empathy! Any child that is sad or being hurt because they are different is so wrong. Any parent that sees this talk to your children, this is NOT right. Gay is not wrong it’s just different and ANY child that is being mean to them could single out YOUR own child for ANY reason and do the SAME thing. We all saw it in school. It is our job to begin building awareness, and teaching tolerance, these poor kids are in so much pain. And any person choosing to not agree with me is fine, but DO not post any response because there is no time for your ignorance, I”ll pray for you, but your words will NOT be seen for long on any page. Different isn’t bad, it’s just different, you’d think we’d all get this by now.

  18. It get’s better?

    No it doesn’t. Maybe in some cases, but not on it’s own and not in most cases.

    If you seed hope, you’ll be reaping disappointment. Too fluttery, too fragile, too unreliable.

    Want to help? Feed them INFORMATION. ARGUMENTS. FACTS.

    Don’t give them a crutch to survive. Offer them a weapon to live.

  19. I am 45, I have done whole out thing and you know its hard being different. I have struggle with it all my life. My first suicide attempt was at nine. Life is hard, being also a part of GLBTQ identity is hard. Its even harder as teenager. If you have other issues being out makes it even harder.
    For some us it doesn’t get better being out of closet, it doesn’t give loving relationships or choices. We still struggle, we still struggle cope.
    Sometimes there no such thing as hope you learn to take what you can. People still bully each other around difference even as a adult and it gets very hard sometimes to cope with it but you do your best to cope that is all you can do.

  20. I have watched many of the videos posted and am pleased with the messages that there is hope after high school. I just wish this was marketed to ALL teens who are bullied as opposed to just LGBT. I am a teacher and I see students bullied for many reasons. My own son was bullied for years and he isn’t any of the above. All children need hope to know that there is more to life than what they are facing at the moment.

  21. I love this project idea, awesome. In my country South Africa we have to also deal with the black community perpertrating vilent acts aginst member sof their community. It is not tolerated at all. recently we lost a sister to this. I applaud your column and your use of power as a writter in a positive way

  23. It Gets Better Project completely inspires me to make a difference. ALL I EVER WANTED, a new play by a Seattle playwright, addresses how one family can authentically discuss sexuality, sex & love. The play is raising money for Lambert House, a center for GLBTQ youth that encourages empowerment. The play runs through May 8, 2011 in Seattle. Get your tickets at http://www.allieverwantedproject.com

  27. I believed people who are homophobic are usually ignorant and these are heterosexual people who are afraid of being turn into gay or lesbian by homosexual people. The fact of the matter is gay people do not have this intent and they have the same need and want as couple in heterosexual relationship and these include love, affections and commitment.

    http://www.self-help-sexuality.com/gay-s…

  28. I believed people who are homophobic are usually ignorant and these are heterosexual people who are afraid of being turn into gay or lesbian by homosexual people. The fact of the matter is gay people do not have this intent and they have the same need and want as couple in heterosexual relationship and these include love, affections and commitment.

    http://www.self-help-sexuality.com/gay-s…

  29. I believed people who are homophobic are usually ignorant and these are heterosexual people who are afraid of being turn into gay or lesbian by homosexual people. The fact of the matter is gay people do not have this intent and they have the same need and want as couple in heterosexual relationship and these include love, affections and commitment.

    http://www.self-help-sexuality.com/gay-s…

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