I’m a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for a couple of months. Two years ago, during an uncharacteristically wild few months in my life, I had a threesome with a couple, and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with them. We see them socially and have even all had dinner together. Nothing has been mentioned by anyone, and I’ve never told my BF. I feel guilty—not because I slept with his friends, but rather because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception of me. I don’t view threesomes as morally wrong, but I’m worried he does. Should I tell him?

Threesome Complications

Yes, TC, you should tell him.

He’s going to find out eventually—this isn’t the kind of secret that keeps—and the revelation will be much more damaging if he finds out about it from the couple or from a malicious third (fourth?) party. And while a threesome may be inconsistent with his current impression of you, TC, that’s something he might be able to get over. He’s much less likely to get over the realization that you were keeping this secret from him or that you’re so stupid as to think that this kind of secret can be kept.

And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right now he’s operating under the assumption that his boyfriend isn’t the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you’re operating under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you are wrong—you are the sort of person who has threesomes—so it stands to reason that your assumptions about him could be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or foursomes.

You’re the kind of person who can have a threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved, TC, and that’s a selling point, something in your favor, and nothing you should be ashamed of.

The time has come for you to use your influence to pick a day between now and the November election and declare it Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day in either the state of Delaware or the entire United States of America. This needs to happen, and you’re the only guy who can do it.

Hiding At The Elusive Fuzz Under Christine’s Knockers

For Savage Love readers who don’t read anything else: Christine O’Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously gay-baiting her straight primary opponent, and opposing masturbation because it makes the baby Jesus cry.

I’m all for masturbating to Christine O’Donnell, HATEFUCK, but why limit it to one day? So I hereby declare every day between now and November 2—when O’Donnell’s nomination costs the GOP a Senate seat—to be Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!

I just read about a gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas—who killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. It’s just heartbreaking and sickening. What the hell can we do?

Gay Bullying Victim Who Survived

Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other “Christians” out there who oppose anti-bullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).

Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.

Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural areas, exurbs, and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations or services for queer kids.

“My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas,” a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to my blog. “I wish I could have told you that things get better.”

I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that it gets better. I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets better.

But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.

Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.

So here’s what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them it gets better.

I’ve launched a channel on YouTube—www
­.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject—to host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were both bullied—he had it a lot worse than I did—and we are living proof that it gets better. We don’t dwell too much on the past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things in our lives now—our families, our friends (gay and straight), the places we’ve gone and things we’ve experienced—that we would’ve missed out on if we’d killed ourselves then.

“You gotta give ’em hope,” Harvey Milk said.

Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better. Online support groups are great, GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.

The video my husband and I made is up now—all by itself. I’d like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults—singles and couples, with kids or without, established in careers or just starting out, urban and rural, of all races and religious backgrounds. (Go to www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find instructions for submitting your video.) If you’re gay or lesbian or bi or trans and you’ve ever read about a kid like Billy Lucas and thought, “Fuck, I wish I could’ve told him that it gets better,” this is your chance. We can’t help Billy, but there are lots of other Billys out there—other despairing LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don’t think they have a future—and we can help them.

They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give them hope.

mail@savagelove.net

279 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. 1.) TC, not only have you had a threesome with your boyfriend’s friends…so has your boyfriend. Repeatedly. He will probably not be shocked or horrified by the revelation you, too, have had a threesome with them. If in fact he doesn’t already know, he’ll be intrigued at the very least and in all liklihood some time in the future I predict a fourgy with the you, the boyfriend, and your mutual pals.

    2.) I’d rather masturbate to a liberal, thankyouverymuch. Jerks like Christine O’Donnell don’t deserve our sexual energy. They don’t deserve sexual satisfation at all.

    3.) Dear bullied kids, gay and straight and undecided, it does get better. Your school years, especially middle school and high school, are the worst years of your life. I speak from personal experience. Ignoring the assholes does not make them go away; this causes things to escallate. Beating the living crap out of them, descretely of course, does. If a good old-fashioned beat down is not possible, try something more passive-aggressive and vicious like spreading gossip about bed-wetting or instigating fights between them and their cronies. Get really good grades. It doesn’t matter how crap your public school is, find the library and lock yourself inside every free momment available. Hobbies and outside interest will not only expose you to a wider variety of people it will make you a more talented and interesting person. Graduate from high school and go to college. If you can’t afford a University, go to community college and get some kind of certificate in a trade, so you can get a decent job and you can afford University in the future. Enjoy sex with college kids (with protection and birth control, of course). Meet all the people you wished you grew up with.

    Dear Bullies, high school will be the best years of your life. Bwa, aha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Never again will you be popular or successful. You’ll never be top dog again. You’re opinion will never again be important to anyone…ever! From the end of high school onward it’s all down hill. You’re narrow mind and lack of imagination and your fear and hate of anything that isn’t “normal”, which is another word for mediocre and boring, will cause you to stagnate….which is appropriate since you’re pond scum. Ta, losers, me and the rest of the queers are off to enjoy our success and your failures.

  2. How about telling *all* kids that *it gets better* – lots of kids are harassed for everything from being a different color to having a different orientation and although LGBT kids may have it worse than many, suicide is permanent for everyone.

  3. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter what nice thing you do, someone will find something to bitch about in it. This is a good thing Dan has done. Will it fix all the world’s ills? No. But it’s still a GOOD thing. So thank you, Dan, good job!

  4. I posted this to my facebook. Dan – you and Terry have a wonderful family, and I am so happy for you. As a heterosexual female I can’t quite relate to the sexuality bullying. But I certainly had my share of picked on-ness as I didn’t go to school (homeschooled), wore thrift store clothes, spoke funny (english accent)… Kids can be cruel, but it does get better!

  5. I love love love this project – reminds me of the fantastic book “100 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and other Outlaws”. Should be required reading in middle school…

  6. I think this article requested a special day for Christine first… “National Jack-off for Christine O’Donnell (Jerk-off) Day – September 19th!” (from omg-sex.com, google it) but weeks of it I suppose is better…

  7. I tried to jerk off to Christine O’Donnell but could not stop regurgitating small portions of my lunch repeatedly. Is this normal? I had a cry, took a long shower, cried again…. Nothing seems to help.

    Sincerly,

    Sad Insignificant Christine

  8. People are mean to others for all kinds of reasons – and they pick up on the things we’ve all been told are “wrong” in order to keep their victims compliant. Society punishes gays, teachers and administrators are usually at best ambivalent about supporting gay students. So any teen with a hateful heart aligns themselves with authority and punishes gay teens.

    Nothing will ever cure teen bullying, but this kind of bullying will get better when the people at the top of the school power structure get over themselves Resist kiss asses. Examine yourself for assumptions about others AND ABOUT YOURSELF that you are internalizing from authority figures. And realize the strongest defense against this bullying is a refusal to believe what they’re telling you about yourself

  12. GAY MORMONS need to watch the “MorMenLikeMe” channel on youtube. It contains interviews of gay Mormons who have survived. The interviewer is a cool honest RM (BYU graduate) with a lot of realistic wisdom for how to deal with intolerant or ignorant people, and how to separate Mormon culture from the gospel. His interviewees are down to earth, and talk about their own experiences and how they overcame. Once you are older, it is easier to call the shots. It does get better, much, much better.

  13. Dan!
    I’m listening to Savage Love 206, and… you don’t know any gay guys that kiss girls when they’re shitfaced?

    My god, most of my gay friends kiss EVERYONE when they’re shitfaced! Most of my straight friends kiss EVERYONE when they’re shitfaced!

    Haven’t you ever just kissed someone and gone, hey, you got good technique, without needing to sleep with them? Or necessarily wanting to? Finding someone sexy, without feeling sexual towards them?

    My social group is generally old enough to have fun doing things ironically, so when someone pull out a really nice bottle of cinnamon whisky, obviously you have to mouth shot from someone else. There was that time when a (oops) really drunk friend turned and gave his brother a cinnamon shot, and then there was that slow moment where they both stopped and pondered it for a moment, and the less drunk one pronounced it “Awk-ward” (but tasty).

    My gay friends have ruefully declared that the friend group of cute young guys we know who kiss each other on the lips in greeting, are actually.. completely straight.
    Basically, they’re just from a different generation to us. They’re happy to kiss the gay guys on the lips as harmless flirtation, but if any or most of them were really bi or gay, they’d be fucking someone already, because it’s *completely socially acceptable* in their social group to be bi or gay.
    Instead, it’s just a way of showing intimacy in their group.
    Well, same in our circles as well.
    Oh, and they also kiss their female friends on the lips.

    When people are completely comfortable with being bi or gay, they’re also more comfortable with being straight and pan-flirty. And we’re going to see that more and more.

    Dan, do you have a skype number to call? I’m international!

  14. Sangrail, that’s fascinating. Your experience is totally foreign to me. I’ve never kissed anyone I’m not sexually attracted to, and can’t imagine doing so — drunk or sober. I’m gay and the only two women I ever kissed were when I thought I had no choice in grade school and thought I HAD to date women, but I had zero interest in doing so and tried to avoid it. I’ve only ever known one person who’s behaved as you suggest, and he was generally wild in all respects, so that’s interesting. FWIW, I’m in the USA (east and west coast major cities), and my usual crowd is 30s-40s, so maybe it’s a cultural and generational difference you’re seeing? Also, I don’t really hang out with any big drinkers, just casual drinking with meals, so maybe that’s part of it too? A serious partying crowd may behave differently from other people? But even in my bar-hopping and party days in my teens and 20s, I never saw such behavior.

  15. re: Bullied Student Commits Suicide.

    In my opinion… nobody gives a rat’s ass about a some internet channel devoted to homophobia, or some video on FaceBook. Go out and have a car wash or bake sale… you’re outcome will be the same… there will be no outcome. The ANSWER: go out and do what all good American’s do… you file a civil law suit and sue the shit out of the school board, the school administration, then you subpoena and interview every teacher in the school, adding to the suit every teacher who knew, or had the vaguest indication that this student was being tortured by his classmates. After rounding-up every person in the school and administration, I would turn my focus on the real perpetrators, those students responsible for this hate crime.

    To be even more precise, I would bankrupt this school system and vigorously pursue jail time for any and every professional educator and administrator who had even the slightest knowledge that “something” was going-on, but chose NOT to get involved.

    When are you people going to figure it out; our country, our states, and our communities DON’T need more (useless) laws. We must enforce (to the fullest extent) the laws we already have in place.

    I have no sympathy for any teacher, principal, school board member, or superintendent who fails to vigorously enforce the anti-bullying laws or hate crime legislation that already in place, or should be in place. Vicious bullying in middle and high school is old-news. Most teachers and administrators have already received training and should know how to deal with the little Nazi morons who harass and assault these poor kids.

    Playing dumb (stupid); “I had no idea these kids were harassing him” has become the Nuremberg Defense of modern day bullying. It was a bullshit and unacceptable defense in post-war Germany, just as playing dumb/ignorant is bullshit and unacceptable today. If however, a teacher or administrator can prove their ignorance to the bullying, then they should be fired on the spot, and possibly sued for negligence.

    You want these heinous crimes to stop; enforce the damn laws.

    Respectfully submitted,
    (a gay) 8th grade English teacher

  17. @218. I really do not agree with what you are saying. I feel that adults who work with children need to be more pro active in dealing with bullying. I still hear teachers tell victims that “boys will be boys” or blame the child who is being teased. It is in this culture that we send our children to school. This is what needs to change. We as parents, teachers, counselors, and concerned citizens need to man up and speak out for ALL the children in our communities. We need to teach adults and other children that this behavior will no longer be tolerated. And when we see a child being bullied, we need to speak up for them right then! Beacuse the next time we pick up a paper we may be looking at another school shooting or another child dead from suicide and have no one to blame but ourselves. We should ALL feel ashamed by this tradegy. And to the family, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  19. you are an amazing man. it is people like you who perpetuate the last fragments of good left in this world and who give people the means the cling to these fragments. without this youtube channel, many kids (myself included) would have nowhere to turn to, no idea what to do, and nothing to have hope for.

    hearing your inspiring message and seeing your beautiful family, i know that life will get better; the bad memories, alienation, self-hatred and shame will slowly fade away and be consumed by all the positives in my future.

    thank you,

  20. you are an amazing man. it is people like you who perpetuate the last fragments of good left in this world and who give people the means the cling to these fragments. without your ‘it gets better’ channel, many kids (myself included) would have nowhere to turn to, no idea what to do, and nothing to have hope for.

    hearing your inspiring message and seeing your beautiful family, i know that life will get better; the bad memories, alienation, self-hatred and shame will slowly fade away and be consumed by all the positives in my future.

    thank you,

  21. @218
    I really think it is the party scene thing. My roommate is a super clubby girl and she tells me that all the gay guys make out with girls for shits and giggles when they are all hammered. I am bi and have friends of all sexual/gender identities, but none of my friend’s kiss people they are not attracted to.

  23. justsayin, while I agree that we live in an all too happy to sue you society, with this kind of situation if suing is all that is going to get their attention then that’s what needs to be done. If a lawsuit sets the precedence and makes them take action and enforce the rules for everyone then that’s okay with me.

    Doing nothing is so not working so lets do something even if it means filing a lawsuit.

  28. Thank you for doing this Dan.

    My girlfriend and I will definitely be participating in “it gets better”, along with a slew of of our friends that we are rallying now!

    There is a young lesbian, USC film school student named Becca Katz who has created a website called
    http://www.IWantTheWorldToKnow.org

    It is a video bank of folks telling their coming out stories so LGBT youth and isolated adults have access to other gay adults and the chance to hear their stories. Perhaps the two of you could link to each other’s projects. Powerful together.

    My girlfriend and I are out lesbian actors and gay advocates. We have both had features travelling the LGBT film festival circuit for the last 3 years, and another coming this year. We have found the internet to be a powerful connecting tool to be able to reach out to our LGBT community. We’ve created content and a community online to no one ever has to feel alone or isolated. It’s good for us all to band together.

    Thank you for doing this Dan. We will be participating and supporting.

    Bravo –

    Cathy DeBuono

  29. Thank you for doing this Dan.

    My girlfriend and I will definitely be participating in “it gets better”, along with a slew of of our friends that we are rallying now!

    There is a young lesbian, USC film school student named Becca Katz who has created a website called
    http://www.IWantTheWorldToKnow.org

    It is a video bank of folks telling their coming out stories so LGBT youth and isolated adults have access to other gay adults and the chance to hear their stories. Perhaps the two of you could link to each other’s projects. Powerful together.

    My girlfriend and I are out lesbian actors and gay advocates. We have both had features travelling the LGBT film festival circuit for the last 3 years, and another coming this year. We have found the internet to be a powerful connecting tool to be able to reach out to our LGBT community. We’ve created content and a community online to no one ever has to feel alone or isolated. It’s good for us all to band together.

    Thank you for doing this Dan. We will be participating and supporting.

    Bravo –

    Cathy DeBuono

  31. I know this is incredibly superficial given the weight of the project, but my god, Dan, your man is fine. Not to say that you all aren’t very cute. Ah, I see I’m not alone in my crush. Signed, Woman

  32. Good work Dan, Thank you. We are all in this world. We’re using the itgetsbetter videos on our 24 hour online bully stakeout on November 9, 2010. More information at http://bullyoutreachproject.com and on Facebook, or just get straight in touch with me. Hope you’ll see value in our project, especially the online components. We’ll be watching and sharing your information. Again. Thank you, and Blessings. Kelly Karius

  35. are you serious ..what has the world come to ITS NOT RIGHT !!! WOMEN+MAN=LOVE SORRY THAT’S JUST HOW I FEEL ..ITS NOT RIGHT.. I DONT WANT ANYONE TO GO TO HELL ..I DONT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO THE LBGT..ITS JUST NOT RIGHT.. BUT YOU GUYS JUST WANN DO WHAT YOU WANT BUT JUST REMEBER THIS JOHN 3:16

  36. Love your It Gets Better campaign and have always loved your column. It seems young LGBT teens need a Big Brother/Big Sister program, especially in the fly-over states.

  38. Thank you thank you thank you thank you, Dan. For reminding me that not everyone got the crazy support I did when I came out (20 yrs ago, at 15). Thanks for finding a place for hope in the face of effed-up, devastating news. Thank you. Ok. Off to make a video with my wife.

  39. Hi Dan, I have always read your columns, which are a mix of advice and humor, I love the idea about “It gets better” However, and I am a 42 y/o gay man living in NYC, attending daily counseling meetings, because for me hasn’t got better. I don’t want to diminish this wonderful project, but what about if it doesn’t get better? what about if you are 40’s and still get bully at the streets of NYC, what about within the same Gay community is as cruel and torturing as when I was in school, what about not having a boyfriend, or not social support? English is my second language so I hope this comment makes sense, but I would love to see something in the middle where it gets better but still we as human beings have to struggle with the day to day ups and downs of living as openly gay men. One has to protect ourselves from that hot muscle gay men next to you that will not even share the same space with you or be the recipient of a bitchy joke from a drag performer? I am just saying a balanced campaign can be nice. I have watched the videos several times and in a selfish way, I guess, I wish I found a husband or a nice group of friends that I share my life with, like in the videos, but I haven’t. After I watched them, I went out but the hedonistic- materialistic culture of the NYC/ SF gay life retrieve me back home, maybe I am just haven’t been lucky, I just wish that those kids don’t get their expectations to high to crash to a wall of a very demanding gay community, that’s all.

  40. Hi Dan, I have always read your columns, which are a mix of advice and humor, I love the idea about “It gets better” However, and I am a 42 y/o gay man living in NYC, attending daily counseling meetings, because for me hasn’t got better. I don’t want to diminish this wonderful project, but what about if it doesn’t get better? what about if you are 40’s and still get bully at the streets of NYC, what about within the same Gay community is as cruel and torturing as when I was in school, what about not having a boyfriend, or not social support? English is my second language so I hope this comment makes sense, but I would love to see something in the middle where it gets better but still we as human beings have to struggle with the day to day ups and downs of living as openly gay men. One has to protect ourselves from that hot muscle gay men next to you that will not even share the same space with you or be the recipient of a bitchy joke from a drag performer? I am just saying a balanced campaign can be nice. I have watched the videos several times and in a selfish way, I guess, I wish I found a husband or a nice group of friends that I share my life with, like in the videos, but I haven’t. After I watched them, I went out but the hedonistic- materialistic culture of the NYC/ SF gay life retrieve me back home, maybe I am just haven’t been lucky, I just wish that those kids don’t get their expectations to high to crash to a wall of a very demanding gay community, that’s all.

  41. I am not gay and none of my kids are gay, so far as they know so far, the youngest is 13. But I feel so strongly that we are failing as a culture if we cannot love and value all of our children. Everyone feels different somehow, every one IS beautiful and unique, and these differences should be celebrated. It is not ok to try and make yourself feel right by trying to make someone else wrong.
    Love is love, and other peoples love is none of my business.
    If any teen is being teased in my town, tell them to come over to my place. I will make them hot chocolate, make up the spare bed, and then open up a fresh can of whup-ass for their tormentor.

  42. Dan and Terry:

    Bravo a thousand times over.

    As a 63 year old gay man, my heart breaks every time I read about a gay young person’s suicide.

    It Get’s Better is so heart warming.

    A big pat on the back to you and these videos’ submitters.

    Michael J. Carlon, MD
    Palm springs, CA

  43. @186: I’m not in anyone’s face. I got over it.
    After 28 years out of high school, living in another county seems to help.

    Dan–THANK YOU and BLESS YOU for yet more PURE GOLD!!! Stop the bullying everybody!

  45. My fiancé and I are both straight, but we were bullied as adolescents, and more than once accused of being gay (and my family thinks he is anyway, but that’s a miserable family drama can of worms I care not to open here). I am also the survivor of an ill-conceived suicide attempt at age 13. We are both extremely supportive of our gay friends and family, including (but not limited to) his brother, my cousin, and our friend Andrew who will be our best man. I bless each and every heart that is beating with this project, as it’s a beautiful thing to see this social networking thing being used for a greater good. When he comes home from South America, I want to make a Spanish-language video, because that is a population that is tremendously disparaged and shoved further into the closet. They need to know there are people who support them and will stand “siempre al lado”- always by their side. <3

  46. You’re absolutely right! and it was great that you published this blog.
    Here’s an excerpt from a NY Times article…which hits the nail on the head:

    “…In a pair of blog postings last week, Dan Savage, a sex columnist based in Seattle, assigns the blame to negligent teachers and school administrators, bullying classmates and “hate groups that warp some young minds and torment others.”

    “There are accomplices out there,” he wrote Saturday.

    In an interview, Mr. Savage, who is gay, said he was particularly irate at religious leaders who used “antigay rhetoric.”

    These are the people who are responsible for the hate, indifference, bullying, gross negligence that allows gays to be pushed to suicide.
    The Federal Government (Justice Department) should be investigating each of these events as a denial of civil rights of the gay, lesbian, transgender persons.
    HELLO??? JUSTICE DEPARTMENT???? WHERE ARE YOU???
    YOU WERE ABLE TO INVESTIGATE THE LONG SERIES OF BLACK MURDERS AND DISCRIMINATION OVER THE YEARS.
    WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RIGHTS OF GAYS WHO ARE BEING BULLIED AND EVEN MURDERED?
    WHAT HAPPENED TO FEDERAL CIVIL RIGHTS AND YOUR RECENT NEW DIRECTIVE TO LOOK INTO GAY HATE CRIMES?

  50. Great project, I am sorry that there is no more room to post videos, but I did leave a comment under voncile67. I hope that anyone who reads it will be able to hang onto the belief that they will survive almost anything and that it does get better. I wish I had something like this when I was a younger person.

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