I love reading your column and never thought that I would have a reason to write to you, but to my pleasure and chagrin, I realized today that I could use your help.
I am a 23-year-old woman. I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and we have lived together for two. We have a very healthy sex life, and the longer we are together, the better it gets! There is just one problem: He wants me to get really raunchy with his come when I am blowing him. I guess it’s called an “oral creampie.” Anyway, he wants to shoot on my face with my mouth open, he wants me to let him come in my mouth and then let it drool back out on my chin or his cock, all kinds of things in that vein. I would LOVE to do that for him—but when it’s go time, I freeze and can’t bring myself to do it and end up swallowing his come instead.
Honestly, I think the thought of come bothers me. I can swallow it, because once I do it’s gone and I don’t have to worry about it—but with this, I have to play with it and run it all around in my mouth. I need to know how to embrace his come instead of fearing it so our sex life can continue to grow instead of stagnate on this one thing. HELP!
Frozen Creampie
According to Urban Dictionary—the final authority on all sex definitions these days—an “oral creampie” isn’t anywhere near as involved a process as your boyfriend makes it out to be.
“While receiving a blowjob,” says Urban Dictionary, “the alpha male peaks to orgasm—while the male is in the midst of ejaculation, or cumming, the female continues the act of oral sex without removing her lips and/or mouth from the alpha males penis—thus, causing the male to cum inside the females mouth, and possibly down her throat while she is still sucking the males penis.”
You gotta love how the alpha male—no blowjobs for you beta males—”peaks to orgasm” all by himself. He isn’t brought to orgasm thanks to the determined efforts of a giving partner. No. A blowjob is something alpha males do for themselves. There he is, our alpha male, peaking to orgasm all on his own, when suddenly a woman trips and falls face-first into his lap.
Anyway, FC, it looks like you’re doing the oral creampie already: You’re blowing him; you’re swallowing. Your boyfriend is asking you for what we’re going to call “more.” And this isn’t something he’s asking you to do “when [you’re] blowing him,” but after you’re done blowing him. Because once he comes, FC, the blowjob is technically over. Emission accomplished. So he’s asking for a blowjob-and-then-some, an above-and-beyond-the-call post-blowjob indulgence.
A couple of thoughts…
Presumably, your boyfriend eats your pussy. And when he does, FC, he gets your vaginal secretions all over his face—it’s smeared all over his chin and cheeks and nose and lips. It’s applied gradually, in layers, like a varnish. There’s a big difference between your secretions and his—he comes all at once, in a few massive splats—but if he’s eating your pussy, FC, he’s already doing a slo-mo version of what he’s asking you to do for him.
But even so, FC, your boyfriend has to recognize the above-and-beyond nature of the request he’s making. He’s getting head—good, enthusiastic head, too, as evidenced by all the alpha orgasms he’s peaking. And there you are, only too happy to swallow—even if your true motive is to dispose of his semen as quickly as possible. It seems to me that (1) your boyfriend shouldn’t push this oral creampie thing too hard and (2) you shouldn’t feel too bad if you can’t bring yourself to do this for him anytime soon.
Your inability to do this one thing—this one above-and-beyond thing—shouldn’t be allowed to derail an otherwise excellent sex life. Your sex life can “continue to grow” even if this particular act won’t be scratched off the boyfriend’s bucket-o-come list anytime soon. Do the stuff you enjoy, try new things, continue to grow together. And maybe play with his come a little bit along the way—masturbate him sometimes, or let him masturbate himself, and run your fingers through his come—and perhaps your fears and inhibitions will decrease and one day you’ll be able to enjoy his juices (a word I hate in this context) just as much as he enjoys yours.
And he does enjoy yours, right? Because if he isn’t eating your pussy, FC, then you shouldn’t even be blowing him, much less feeling guilty about not gargling with his come after you’re done.
I grew up in a shitty conservative town with a batshit crazy mother and a philandering father who, despite leaving my mom when I was 2, went on to be a pretty good dad and definitely the only moderately stable parent in my life. I wanted his love and approval. I went to law school and married a guy who was, essentially, my dad. They became best friends. Very shortly into the marriage, I fell in love with a woman, realized I’m a total homo, and got divorced. I’m still with the same woman and I’m no longer suicidal over my internalized homophobia. Yay.
My dad didn’t exactly support my decision, but he has made an effort to get to know my girlfriend and isn’t acting quite as crushed as I know he was when I came out and divorced my husband.
However, he continues to have a relationship with my ex-husband. This enrages me. I felt like he sided with the ex at every turn during our separation and divorce, and now I feel like he’s incapable of understanding my feelings. I’m still friendly with my ex, although I have tremendous guilt issues over not having figured myself out before dragging him into a marriage. My dad’s point is that his friendship with my ex has nothing to do with me.
Am I just being a petty bitch or is he being an insensitive asshole?
Angry Lesbian Daughter
Petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole—does it have to be one or the other, ALD?
Your dad bonded with your ex while you were married and didn’t regard the divorce as your ex’s fault. Perhaps your dad took your ex’s side because he couldn’t see that the divorce wasn’t entirely your fault, either. You were a victim, too, ALD—victimized by the homophobia you had internalized. The homophobic culture that rendered you incapable of recognizing that you were a lesbian before you dragged your ex into a doomed marriage is ultimately to blame—that doesn’t mean you bear no responsibility—and if your dad couldn’t see that at the time and was insensitive, then, yeah, he owes you an apology.
You brought your ex into your dad’s life, your dad bonded with him as a son-in-law, and it’s unfair of you to demand that your dad cut all ties to your ex. That’s controlling, irrational behavior—aka petty bitchery—and you should apologize to your dad for it.
You have a right to your feelings, of course, and if your dad’s relationship with your ex makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. In this era of divorce, remarriage, and blended families, rest assured that you’re not the only person in the world with an ex who’s still, for better or worse, part of the family.
Could I be first?
I dont’ want to be first.
I was hoping for a third letter
Shut up about being first!!!
Any body else feel a little ‘meh’ about this weeks column? I’m not asking for dog shit eaters every time, but if this is the kind of crap people need advice on, how do they manage to get through their day making all those big decisions about which underwear to put on and how many times to swish the mouth wash? Sheesh!
Only two letters, and the first one a rehash of a SLLOD? I know you’ve been traveling, Dan, and maybe you’re sick or something, but maybe you could bank a column or two for weeks like this.
How many laughed out loud at “like a varnish”?
I personally think this “oral creampie” is malarky. It’s a blow job! A creampie has two parts: the cream & the pie. A mouth is not a pie; only a pussy or asshole can be a pie.
btw, YUM!
I would have liked a threesome as well.
@5…a SSLOTD *is* a banked column, isn’t it? I mean, it’s easy to say we should have gotten something new, but would you have wanted him not to put it on Slog because he might want to use it in the column later?
why does he post sllod if he’s not going to add anything we put in the coooommmmennnnts. Commenting on SLLODs is useless, cos were gonna just rehash the whole thing right here.
Have to disagree with the advice to ALD.
Blood relationships outweigh all others. Out of loyalty to the daughter, the Dad should end the friendship with the son-in-law.
The Dad is prolonging the daughter’s pain. He should sacrifice his friendship for the daughter’s well-being. The Dad should side with the daughter even if the breakup was entirely the daughter’s fault. This is what we do for loved ones.
The Dad’s an asshole. Family first!
why does everybody get so pissy about the free advice/entertainment they are getting?
Thanks Dan. Keep working so hard, we appreciate it!
QUIT RE-PUBLISHING SLLOTDs!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this necessary? Are people not writing to you with their problems anymore and you have to scrape-up material for the column??
Stop it!
Kudos to Frozen Creampie for making the effort. Gargling with semen is a true act of love.
ALD, if it helps at all, I’m still friends with the mother of an ex, 14 years after we broke up. It had nothing to do with getting back at him; I just really liked his mom and didn’t want to lose her friendship. My ex was okay with it (or so he said) and so she and I stayed friends.
I think it’s harder for men, especially older ones, to make new male friends, and so in some ways you really gave your dad a gift by bringing someone he could be friends with into his life. If your dad is making an effort to get to know your girlfriend and you really are still friendly with your ex, then their friendship really is something wholly separate from you.
@11: Bullshit… she brought the two together. She broke up with her ex, not her dad. She doesn’t like it? Tough. Dad and daughter are close-ish, he seems to be accepting of her in a (his?) way… Why is she monitoring the relationship and interactions between her dad and her ex in the first place? If she wasn’t a petty bitch, she wouldn’t be paying ANY attention to this.
It’s not a cream pie, it’s a cream pie-hole.
@11 – I totally disagree with you. If anyone in my family (one of my kids!?) had authority to tell me whom I should and should not be friendly with, what would that make me? Loyal? Hardly. Petty bitch can ignore it or wallow in it and all it means to HER HER HER. Who cares? She has her girlfriend and is finally living the life she needs to. Except she can’t stop thinking her emotional needs are more important than everyone else’s.
“Only two letters, and the first one a rehash of a SLLOD? I know you’ve been traveling, Dan, and maybe you’re sick or something, but maybe you could bank a column or two for weeks like this.”
and
“Any body else feel a little ‘meh’ about this weeks column? I’m not asking for dog shit eaters every time, but if this is the kind of crap people need advice on, how do they manage to get through their day making all those big decisions about which underwear to put on and how many times to swish the mouth wash? Sheesh!”
*steps onto soapbox*
If you can’t stand the reruns, skip the letters he runs in the blog already! If your biggest gripe in life is that Dan doesn’t publish new letters for your enjoyment every single week, or that the letters he chooses aren’t “entertaining enough” for you, GET A LIFE!
This goes for all of the other whiners who post about this every time Dan posts a rerun, or chooses a letter/letters that isn’t/aren’t about sexual deviancy that is/are entertaining enough for you, too. Sheesh. Be glad he has a life outside of writing his columns, and find something more important to do already. I can see why Dan rarely reads the comments attached to his columns here!
*steps off of soapbox*
Custard pies (Zeppelin), cherry pies (Warrant), hair pies (Captain Beefheart) — what is it with desserts, music, and sexual innuendo?
@#11
‘Blood relationships outweigh all others.’
Um, really?
‘Cause I’ve got a hell of a lot of blood relatives I’ve never met, and I really couldn’t care less.
I must be a really bad person.
I think Dan is a little busy saving gay teens from bullying this week. Sheesh.
If you guys want to be surprised by SL don’t read the SLLOD.
Can you imagine if he printed 3 SLLOD in a week, and then did a column that had no SLLODs in it? He would be accused of not using the best letters for the column and going for low-ball easy questions.
So, ALD, you get to remain friendly with they guy that you brought into your family, but your dad doesn’t? Sorry, nope: that’s 99.94% pure, petty controlling bitch.
It would be one thing if the ex had been a right bastard, you had a horrible, acrimonious breakup, and now there he was, someone you wanted nothing to do with, the metaphorical viper’s nest in the bosom of your family. But you are still friendly with him yourself. And you expect all the other people in your life to cut ties, as if he was persona non grata? That’s seriously irrational.
That’s not to say that you don’t have some legitimate anger to work out, but I’m guessing it isn’t really about the relationship between your dad and your ex.
I’m guessing that your dad “siding” with the ex meant that from his perspective the ex hadn’t done anything wrong to deserve being dumped. (Other than be the wrong sex for you.) You feel horribly guilty about dragging him into a doomed marriage, and Dad is essentially siding with the guilty voice that sits on your shoulder and whispers in your ear.
I guess further that Dad probably put some pressure on you to work it out with the ex during the breakup, which probably seemed very disrespectful of your growing understanding of your sexual orientation.
But in the present moment, the bottom line is that there is nothing legitimately objectionable about the relationship between your father and your ex husband — particularly in light of the fact that you maintain an amicable relationship with him yourself.
I, for one, am glad that this column included a SLLOD repeat. And that, finally!, it included the details of the cum fetish.
Carry on.
@11 – Are you kidding?? No one tells me who I can and can’t be friends with, as long as I’m not an asshole about it. As long as this woman’s father doesn’t invite the ex-husband to family functions – in other words, force any kind of relationship between the exes – it’s his choice to continue a relationship. True close friends aren’t always easy to come by. Leave them alone. Remember, the ex-husband is a victim in this, too.
Obviously Frozen Creampie’s boyfriend has been watching blowjob porn. The only reason for a woman to open her mouth and slurp around the cum is visual: to confirm that said cum has indeed occurred.
Men who jack off on their ladies’ faces are missing the wonderful feeling of wet parts, tongues, suction, etc., that a genuine blowjob provides. I think the guy should just be thankful FC swallows. Lots of ladies spit immediately. If he wants to see a mouthful, he should just crank up the computer and watch (more) porn. There’s no shortage of viusals there.
whoa whoa whoa.. whats with all the hate… we all have days and weeks where we feel like crap and dont quite perform as well as other days.. maybe this is Dan’s way of saying “fuck this shit, i’m taking a break” week… let him be…
and @11… my blood brother defrauded me and caused me lots of money, tears and sweat… he had to go to jail and i am now under close surveillance for acts that i never committed.. i certainly still love him because he is my brother… but i definitely do not treat him anywhere as nicely as i do my friends..
food for thought..
Kid
@7 Maybe it’s a cake? You know, as in, “Oi! Shut yer cake-hole!” So then this would be a creamCAKE, no? Once again proving the superiority of cake to pie. Num. (That “num” was for real cake, not…)
Hey CrazyCanuck, you need an avatar, and I found one for you! (no, no, no need to thank me…)
http://wildmanhangout.com/wordpress/wp-c…
Our numbers are small, but mighty. Rock on. Eat a Tim Bit.
Dan could easily hire someone to flesh out (aka actually type) his advice. Get a tape recorder and send it off to be transcribed, if nothing else.
There is absolutely no reason that, with the hundreds if not THOUSANDS of letters Dan receives every week he couldn’t pick 3 EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It’s time to revamp your business model, Dan. 1 repost and 1 letter a week? If every column was as poor as today’s, your readership would drift off to something with more frequent updates.
Slidebone, gotta completely disagree. Some family members are friends but not all. Friends are people you choose. Family are people you’re stuck with.
My brother married my best friend. When they divorced, I tried to maintain a relationship with both even after the brother stalked her and threatened mutual friends who sided with her. I forgave him for his borderline criminal behavior. But he needed me to choose him. When the best friend came to a gathering that he was not invited to, our relationship had to end.
Since your ex was initially attracted to you, and you ARE your father’s daughter, he probably sees that same thing in your dad. You don’t know the relationship between them — women can understand male bonding about as well as men can understand women and the things THEY do.
Their friendship has nothing to do with you.
Since your ex was initially attracted to you, and you ARE your father’s daughter, he probably sees that same thing in your dad. You don’t know the relationship between them — women can understand male bonding about as well as men can understand women and the things THEY do.
Their friendship has nothing to do with you.
Since your ex was initially attracted to you, and you ARE your father’s daughter, he probably sees that same thing in your dad. You don’t know the relationship between them — women can understand male bonding about as well as men can understand women and the things THEY do.
Their friendship has nothing to do with you.
I’m all about efficiency, and reusing a SSLOTD for his syndicated column is nothing if not efficient. We see it twice, but no one else does!
Anyway, I have to agree with Dan, ALD has no right to dictate her father’s friendships, as long as he’s not pushing them on her.
She does have the right to ask her father to not invite her ex to thanksgiving, or on the family vacation, or over to her house for dinner. Her father can hang out with her ex when she’s not around.
@11 thats retarded childs talk. family first? well then, you should let your dad (FAMILY) alone! the new lesbian sounds like an only child and needs ALL the attention. grow the fuck up.
Dear Slidebone 11:
Re: “Blood relationships outweigh all others. Out of loyalty to the daughter, the Dad should end the friendship with the son-in-law.”
“Family first” is the kind of nonsense that perpetuates all kinds of problems in our society. God knows how many child molesters, spouse abusers, ne’er do wells, and general layabouts are given a free ride because they’re family members.
Dear ALD: You say your father is “incapable of understanding your feelings.” What you mean to say is that your father doesn’t agree with you. Having strong feelings about something doesn’t give you a free pass to claim he’s an idiot if he won’t go along with those feelings.
And anyway, as you hint at, you need to deal with the underlying reason your ex’s presence in your dad’s life makes you feel crappy.
You also need to realize that you made a smart and courageous decision when you broke up your marriage. Now you both have a chance at happiness; before, neither of you did.
@36, I completely agree. As long as the dad doesn’t insist on inviting the ex to daughter-attended events, there’s no problem. He can have a relationship with both independent of each other.
no, wingedkat.
an “efficient” operation (assuming he gets letters), would be able to sift through the mail and come up with a column,
Would it be “efficient” if he simply re-ran the same column every week?
“One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.” – Euripedes
@27 is dead on regarding FC’s boyfriend.
OK, can’t resist my inner Freud. ALD has ISSUES, like enough for years of therapy, and obviously those have not been resolved since she keeps reliving them. 1) Marries a man just like dad, then dumps him early in the marriage. Irrational revenge against the father figure much? Then the irrational plan didn’t work b/c the dad and dad figure became friends and have a warm relationship. Hahaha. Then in her irrationality ALD sides with the mother figure, of course. That one is not going to last either. Drag your ass into therapy before hurting any more people, you freaking manipulative bitch!
My ALD theory: her Dad and her then-husband first bonded because of their shared connection with ALD, but also because the two men are so much alike. Dad “sided with” her then-husband during the divorce, partly for the reasons Dan suggests – but also because he identifies so closely with her then-husband.
This makes ALD verrrry uncomfortable, because it leaves her thinking that Dad identifies her divorce with his own divorce – which he probably does to some extent. Carrying this line of thought further, she’s afraid that Dad identifies ALD with her batshit crazy mother – which he probably does not do, since he raised her and knows she’s not batshit crazy. But it would probably help her to talk to him about this, and hear him tell her that he knows she’s not a clone of her mom.
@5, 9, 10 – A free column, a free podcast, and a free letter of the day. And you’re complaining because each and every one of them isn’t 100% unique? Kwitcherbichen. That’s German for shut up.
I think that the possibility cannot be ruled out that dad was on the ex’s side during the divorce. If he was too assholish about it he should apologize, but let’s not forget that we aren’t talking about divorcing an abusive spouse. We’re talking about a woman who presumably got a man to fall in love with her and then realized that “oops! I’m a lesbian” and dumped him. Sure maybe she hadn’t realized she was gay, but I would be quite understanding of a guy being suspicious that his wife made it to an age where she was in law school without having an inkling that she liked women and not men. If that guy were my best friend, I’d be even more understanding, even if the woman were family. At the very least, she has to understand that given that her ex is the bigger victim in all of this her father has the right to be at least conflicted.
If ALD got divorced because her husband had been an abusive asshole and then her father was still friends with him, then that would be a problem. But that’s not what happened. She got divorced because she found out she was lesbian. Her divorce had nothing to do with her ex-husband as she would have divorced *any* man she was married to. She’s even still on good terms with her ex.
I wouldn’t suggest to her father that he invite the ex for Thanksgiving (unless he is one of those people that invites everyone he knows and has fifty or more people at his house) but if the two of them are hanging out or going to the game or whatever, it isn’t really ALD’s problem. Her ex wasn’t a bad dude, after all; he was just a dude and she didn’t want that anymore, and that’s not her dad’s fault.
Dear complainers: Besides being away from home and sick (I guess? I don’t have a hidden camera following him.), Dan is running a newspaper, taping podcasts, and–did you hear?–managing an insanely successful online anti-bullying GLBT support campaign that has been covered on every news network and garnered attention all the way up to the White House. So yeah, maybe he has better things to do this week than respond to frankly ridiculous sex questions for your entertainment.
Great column this week. I saw Savage this Monday at Williams College, got his autograph for my partner, and listened to some pretty awesome Q&A. Lots of gasps from the freshmen, but otherwise good questions and a lot of funny, fresh answers.
@38
“‘Family first’ is the kind of nonsense that perpetuates all kinds of problems in our society. God knows how many child molesters, spouse abusers, ne’er do wells, and general layabouts are given a free ride because they’re family members.”
Very well said.
“Dear ALD: You say your father is “incapable of understanding your feelings.” What you mean to say is that your father doesn’t agree with you. Having strong feelings about something doesn’t give you a free pass to claim he’s an idiot if he won’t go along with those feelings.”
I, in particular, wanted to echo this part of your comments; many people seem to believe their feelings, of all things, have validity merely because they are strong, even overpoweringly so. Some people possess an overpowering feeling of fear and distrust of minorities; that doesn’t make that viewpoint valid either, does it?
A stronger self-consciousness, nationally, would profoundly be a social good.
#48, I’m jealous! I looked into getting tickets for Dan’s event in Chicagoland next month, but they were already sold out.
FWIW, I’m with the people telling the advice-seeker to get over the fact that her father wishes to remain friends with her ex. Her dad’s wanting to stay friends with her ex is not a direct threat to, or repudiation of, his relationship with her. In fact, it’s evidence that she had good enough taste to pick a man her father liked. The advice-seeker should seek to grow up a little, and accept she gets to choose whom she likes or loves, but she doesn’t get to chose whom her parents like or love.
#32, did you really pick your abusive brother over your (former) best friend? If so, you chose unwisely, and your brother’s done as big a number on you as he did on his ex. How’s that working out for you?