I have a bit of a situation. I’m a 23-year-old het male, and I am married. My wife and I have a girlfriend now, making our arrangement a polyamorous triad. We all love each other, and we are getting to the point that we are thinking about how we are going to tell our parents about our relationship.
My parents have already been told. My mother was bemused and amazed, my father gave me a high five. But my parents are divorced/remarried atheists, and by the time I was 12, my dad was teaching me how to eat pussy.
My wife’s family is super Southern Baptist, while our girlfriend’s mother is a big ol’ bag of crazy: She was a physically abusive nut job who beat her children with a Bible attached to a rope.
Should we even bother disclosing to either of their sets of Bible-beating parents? To give you an even better idea about who my mother-in-law is: I’m a recovering addict (two years sober), and after I told her that in confidence, she used it against me the first chance she got (called me a thieving junkie). She’s a hypocritical, judgmental bitch, but my wife feels like she needs her approval.
If we shouldn’t disclose, then how do we deal with things like family holidays? Is not disclosing a sign that either my wife or girlfriend is ashamed of the life we lead?
Not Telling The Whole Truth
You don’t mention how long you’ve been in this poly triad, NTTWT, but seeing as you’re only 23 and were already married before you met the girlfriend, you can’t have been in this poly triad for very long. And while it’s nice that you have such an open and honest relationship with your parents—perhaps a little too open (I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my father for not teaching me how to eat pussy when I was 12)—your wife and your girlfriend aren’t similarly blessed.
For that reason, I’m gonna advise against disclosing the true nature of your relationship(s) for the time being, NTTWT. Not because you have anything to be ashamed of—you most certainly do not—but because relationships with parents are best run on a need-to-know basis.
And it doesn’t sound like your wife’s parents need to know—not yet. This triad is new, and like most romantic relationships, it may not stand the test of time. For the moment, introduce your girlfriend as a friend; if your MIL is curious about why you’re all living together, say something vague about the economy. If it turns out that your triad is one for the ages, NTTWT, then you can come out to your MIL and weather the judgmental shitstorm.
As for the girlfriend’s mother, NTTWT, it doesn’t sound like that woman has a right to know anything about her daughter’s life.
All that said, NTTWT, I do think loving, committed nonmonogamous couples should be open with their families, if only to prove to people that loving, committed nonmonogamous couples exist. I’m not encouraging you to be closeted, just strategic. Your wife’s family is more likely to be accepting if they perceive your marriage as not just loving, but lasting. Give it a few years, NTTWT, and then, whether the current girlfriend is still in the picture or not, your wife can let her mother know—as matter-of-factly as possible—that you’re poly.
What do you know about orgasm denial for men? My husband is asking me to try all kinds of crazy things like locking him in a chastity device and denying him orgasms until he begs. Is that safe? Do many couples do it? I admit I find it kind of sexy, but how in the world do I figure out how to do it and make it fun for him?
Wants Info For Erotics
Except in the most extreme cases, WIFE, male chastity play isn’t really about orgasm denial. It’s more of an elaborate, extended kind of foreplay, a way of introducing elements of erotic power and control that usually result in the denied/chaste man having more orgasms, not fewer.
There’s no way of knowing how many wives out there are locking up their husbands’ dicks, WIFE, but there are enough couples doing it to keep male chastity device manufacturers in business (www.cb-6000.com) and enough couples interested in male chastity play for publishers to bring out books that explain how to do it and how to make it pleasurable (Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders by Lucy Fairbourne, Be Careful What You Wish For…: The Ultimate Guide to Male Chastity by Sarah Jameson).
As for safety: Make sure you get a chastity device that fits properly, WIFE, as you don’t want his dick to go numb, develop gangrene, and fall off—that would be nullification, not chastity. And don’t deny your husband orgasms for weeks or months on end, as that could elevate his risk for developing prostate cancer.
I’m a guy in my late 30s and have been married for 12 mostly happy years, with three kids. I’ve never cheated, despite a boring sex life that I’ve tried to spice up. My efforts were not received well. We’ve talked at length about the frequency and style of our sex life, but she’s not interested in having sex very often, and when she is, it only happens one of two ways. I’ve thought about having sex with other women but have never acted on any of the opportunities that came my way.
Anyway, I meet a girl, we’re attracted to each other, and we decide to go for it. No, my wife does not know. Yes, I’m an asshole. And the problem is, suddenly I can’t get it up—for either of them! Neither my hand nor porn work, either. WTF? I have NEVER had this problem. It’s been three attempts—patient girl, huh?—and so far nothing. I can’t tell if this is guilt, performance anxiety, or what. Has my wife, porn, and my hand ruined me for having sex with other women? Do you have any suggestions? I doubt it’s medical, since the onset occurred precisely when this girl and I decided to have sex, and that would be far too much of a coincidence.
No Catchy Sign-Off
I’m thinking either it’s guilt plus performance anxiety—guilt-induced performance anxiety—or it’s a huge and highly unlikely coincidence. A medical checkup can rule out the latter, NCSO, but only a thorough examination of your feelings, your motives, and your circumstances can help the former.
You’ve taken a huge and potentially very consequential step: You’re gonna cheat on the wife (three attempts? you’re already cheating on the wife), NCSO, and if the wife finds out—and that’s a pretty small if—that could mean divorce. (It shouldn’t mean divorce, in my opinion, but it usually does.) Seeing as the potential consequences for you, your wife, and your kids are so dire that you’ve been struck bonerless, I would advise you to stop seeing the patient girl… for now.
You’re going to have to—sorry!—talk to the wife about your frustrations and the possibility of opening up your marriage. Because the only way your dick is going to work with other women, NCSO, is if you’re not risking everything with it.
@ avast
Yes, but then you’re essentially holding the housework hostage for the sex. And then, instead of the man feeling that he is partaking in a transaction would not the woman then feel like she was being forced to put out for help around the house?
One more thing, you say that cleaning the bathroom before having sex means that cleaning the bathroom is more exciting, but thats kind of a silly argument. I dont think anyone finds cleaning the sink exciting, but unfortunately, sadly, sinks must be cleaned by someone. And if the husband isnt doing it, then someone has to, some time. It’s just not always practical to ignore basic household chores whenever your significant other says come (especially if you know it wont get done otherwise). Note: this is not from personal experience. I dislike cleaning and i drag my husband away from picking up all the time. But id understand if he wanted to finish first.)
Also, if you’re not drained after sex sometimes, you’re not doing it right. =)
“Yes, but then you’re essentially holding the housework hostage for the sex.”
No, it isn’t symmetrical in that way. Done the way Morticia suggests, the husband is definitely doing chores in order to get laid. (As foreplay, even). The other way, the wife is not necessarily having sex in order to get the chores done. She (supposedly) is having sex because she likes sex. It then follows that both of them are being sexually satisfied, and the husband is happily doing chores as part of a good relationship.
“And then, instead of the man feeling that he is partaking in a transaction would not the woman then feel like she was being forced to put out for help around the house?
Sex is supposed to be something she likes. It is supposed to be its own reward. If she feels she is being forced to put out for help around the house, that would pretty much demonstrate that she doesn’t in fact like sex with the husband for its own sake all that much — which is the problem, isn’t it?
“One more thing, you say that cleaning the bathroom before having sex means that cleaning the bathroom is more exciting, but thats kind of a silly argument. I dont think anyone finds cleaning the sink exciting, but unfortunately, sadly, sinks must be cleaned by someone.”
Yes, precisely. Cleaning the bathroom ISN’T exciting. And sex with the husband is apparently even less exciting than cleaning the bathroom.
“It’s just not always practical to ignore basic household chores whenever your significant other says come “
Operative word being “always.” I never said “always.” I’m more worried about “never.” If you NEVER ignore basic household chores when your significant other says come, you have put him/her in last place, somewhere after cleaning toilets. That isn’t where your spouse belongs.
“I dislike cleaning and i drag my husband away from picking up all the time.”
Good. You are doing it right.
“But id understand if he wanted to finish first.”
Your situation is not a good example of the problem. You do realize we are talking about the situation where a) after he finished he wouldn’t have any energy left over for you, so it wouldn’t be “finish first,” it would be “finish, period.” That, and b) this behavior is chronic, where he is always doing the dishes, and never doing you.
No, it isn’t symmetrical in that way. Done the way Morticia suggests, the husband is definitely doing chores in order to get laid. (As foreplay, even). The other way, the wife is not necessarily having sex in order to get the chores done. She (supposedly) is having sex because she likes sex. It then follows that both of them are being sexually satisfied, and the husband is happily doing chores as part of a good relationship.
I’m sorry, but i dont see any reason why the man cant want to do chores because he likes his wife and consequently she has more time/energy for sex. Or why the man can want to do things to get sex, but the woman cant want to do things to get things she wants as well.
Really? you’re saying men that get sex a lot (as part of a happy, good relationship) do chores? happily? forgive me, but i call bullshit. It doesn’t follow, which is part of the reason so many women find “honey what can i do to help around the house” so sexy.
Sex is supposed to be something she likes. It is supposed to be its own reward. If she feels she is being forced to put out for help around the house, that would pretty much demonstrate that she doesn’t in fact like sex with the husband for its own sake all that much
or it demonstrates that maybe she likes sex but feels like he wouldn’t contribute any other way. your conclusions dont follow. I can like candy bars and not eat them because of the consequences.
I thought there were a few Savage T-Shirts for sale– Tech Savvy Youth etc.? All gone? I see the It Gets Better shirt on facebook…
@105:
True, it’s also possible that some women do like sex, but use it as a tool to get their husbands to do housework because they “feel like he won’t contribute any other way.” But that’s even more of a problem: that’s sexual manipulation and no healthy relationship should use sex like that.
Dan, one possible hesitation about your advice to NTTWT: my wife and I came out to our families about her boyfriend, and my atheistic, liberal, tolerant family shunned us, and my wife’s born-again fundamentalist sister is the most stable and understanding of the bunch. Go figger.
107 – It doesn’t have to be deliberate manipulation. More likely it’s – “My husband’s not helping out around the house, even though I’ve asked him to help. Maybe he thinks it’s my job just because I’m a woman, but that’s not fair because I also bring home a paycheck. What a jerk he is. I’m angry.”
That’s not deliberate manipulation – that’s being ticked off because you think you are being taken advantage of. And naturally if someone feels that way, they aren’t going to want sex (at least not from the person they are mad at.)
@ the people debating housework: I think the point was merely that if the male partner would offer to help the female with “chores”, there would be happy results. Of course, the assumption that there is even a lack of help is a bit sexist, but I am choosing to ignore that. I have to agree more with the assessment of #109.
As for the cheating argument: If you trying to cheat on your wife is making you feel guilty- it might be because you should feel guilty. Tell her about how desperate you are, that you are going to find sex elsewhere if she won’t have sex with you, and come to an adult agreement. Lots of people have committed relationships that also include one partner getting sexual gratification elsewhere. It’s more likely to be the lies and such that kill good relationships, just as #89 pointed out.
@60, you’re a narcissistic dumb ass. You followed the honesty is the best policy advice, and she chose not to divorce. Simple. But what about you? You continue to live a lie with her, not for her or your children’s benefit, but for your own. You get to fuck who you want when you want and still have a meal on the table when you get home. Have you discussed the subsequent affairs with her or are you afraid she would CHOOSE to divorce your dumb ass this time? Asshole. I dare say a divorce is better than a lie. Maybe not for you, but for your wife and kids it would be.
As for you, bad girl, you can try to justify it all you want but having walked a fucking mile in YOUR CHEATED-ON PARTNER’S shoes, all the excuses for those of you”going through it” are just that: Bullshit excuses for narcissistic people who want to avoid confronting their own issues and owning up to their behavior. It really is as simple as making a decision that may or may not be *gasp* in your own best interest. You may be unhappy because you aren’t getting pleased the way you want, perhaps your partner is similarly unhappy. All you selfish cheaters think about is satisfying your own needs without giving your partners the option of satisfying their own needs as well. Stop trying to justify it.
It is hilarious that those who get married then take on a “girlfriend” are behaving as Mormons but I can bet you NONE of them would put themselves in that pool.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…. I’m old now and I giggle at this column because there was a time, back in my 30’s (and still a kid, let’s face it, we all are at that age) when I would have bought into the complications of the relationships these folks have created but if any of them think they are somehow “exotic” or “better than” then they’re fooling themselves.
If this couple wants to come out as having 3 in a relationship, then they can paint it with a Mormon brush and the ultra-religious mum would be more accepting of the whole thing.
Boy, I wish I still lived in Seattle because I’d be laughing so hard now. I cringe when I think of my own way of putting complications onto life but folks, life isn’t complicated. Never has been, never will be.
@60 I would love, love, love to hear what your wife says about your “marriage.”
I worked in the sex industry for a while and I’ve heard variations of that very same tale that you’ve written yet when you speak to the wives, they shed a whole new dimension on the situation.
Something to consider. If your wife is genuinely not concerned about you cheating on her then stop moaning about it! You are the only one in YOUR head/mind therefore someone else’s opinion has nothing to do with you. If you felt secure with how you’re living then you wouldn’t be defending it to such a degree to a COMPLETE STRANGER.
The reason you’re doing it is because YOU don’t feel right with how you’re living. That is YOUR issues and not anyone else’s. Well, maybe your wife’s too!
Regarding the Cheating husband… You are just having Performance anxiety. You probably are very nervous and were really looking forward to your new affair. My best advice is lots of foreplay, take it slow, try to relax as best you can. Something similar happened to me once and not until the 4th time was I able to perform. I doubt it is your body telling your mind You are not ready for this. I doubt it’s guilt either. It’s all about relaxing.