I spoke at Pacific University in Forest Grove, Oregon, last Thursday night. PU students submitted a lot more questions than I could possibly answer in the 90 minutes we had together, so I’m going to use this week’s column to answer some of the ones I didn’t get to. Here we go:
What is the biggest barrier to the acceptance of gay marriage in the U.S.?
There are two big barriers.
First: all those loud, aggressive, and hypocritical right-wing “Christian” shitsticks who oppose marriage equality because of some supposedly anti-gay bullshit they read in the Bible while ignoring everything in the very same Bible that limits their own sexual freedoms—you know, all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce, and remarry, and then turn around and oppose same-sex marriage because it “goes against their religion.”
Second: all those quiet, timid, and cowardly NALT Christians out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative coreligionists to hijack Christianity. (“NALT” stands for “not all like that,” the phrase you hear from liberal Christians whenever you bitch about conservative Christians, i.e., “We’re not all like that!” Yes, yes, NALTs—we know. You’re not all like that. Don’t tell us. Tell Tony Perkins, tell the pope, tell Maggie Gallagher.)
Do you have advice about a breakup?
Thinking about breaking up with someone? Don’t draw it out—nothing is worse than the humiliating realization, some days after you’ve been dumped, that the person who dumped you wanted out of the relationship weeks or months earlier.
Just been broken up with? Cry, eat, delete (phone numbers, e-mail, texts, sexts), defriend, hit the gym, hit on someone else.
If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
I’m an animal already—I’m a primate, like you. If I had to be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband’s gut or a particularly lethal bacteria that had just been inhaled by Glenn Beck.
What is your opinion of straight women participating in No Shave November?
I know nothing about No Shave November—but I’m an American, and we don’t let ignorance stop us from forming opinions. So I wholeheartedly endorse No Shave November, its mission, and women’s participation in it.
I’m the “other woman” to a man 14 years my senior. I left home for school, and he stopped contacting me—this after 1.5 years and visions of a future together. Did I get played?
Yup.
What is your response to people who say that being gay is a choice?
“You think being gay is a choice? Then choose it: Suck my dick. Show me how it’s done. You choose it—suck my dick—and I’ll videotape it, and then we’ll put the proof that being gay is a choice on the internet for the whole world to see. Deal?”
Do cooling and warming lubes burn for everyone? Or is there something wrong with me? Why are they advertised as being so awesome?
I’m not sure why they’re suddenly marketing hot-and-cool lubes to breeders so aggressively. But straight folks should know that gay people were using these lubes 40 years ago. They were called “hot lubes” back then, and gay people quickly realized that there wasn’t anything interesting or sexy or awesome about a burning hole.
What’s the most effective method for getting santorum out of the sheets?
An ounce of prevention—or the careful placement of a towel—is worth a pound of Spray ‘n Wash Stain Stick.
I had a traumatic experience my freshman year that scarred me to the point that I did not want my boyfriend to be even a little dominant. Three years later I am ready to take on a sub role. How do I get my boyfriend to accept a submissive me?
Thank the boyfriend for being the not-even-a-little-dom partner you needed while you healed. Then tell him that, thanks to him, you’re secure enough to start mixing it up. Then offer him your erotic submission—in whatever form it takes/turns you on—without asking him to play an overtly dominant role. When he sees that you’re not going to shatter, he can grow into a more overtly dominant role.
What should I do if it is too BIG to get in without hurting? Lube is not an option!
If it hurts going in and lube is not an option, then I have a one-word answer for you. And it’s not what you should do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn’t an option for some mysterious reason, but what you’re gonna do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn’t an option for some mysterious reason: suffer.
Is college really the best place to meet the love of your life?
Lots of people meet the loves of their lives at college. But you won’t know if you’re one of those people until you’re out of college. Hook up with hope.
How important do you think sexual chemistry/compatibility is in a long-term relationship?
Sexual chemistry/compatibility is only as important as sexual exclusivity/satisfaction is. And for the record: Companionate marriage—the union of two individuals who love each other but don’t fuck (or don’t fuck each other)—can be wonderful.
Do you think polyamory is possible or healthy?
Polyamorous relationships are possible—I know for a fact that they’re possible—but they’re only as healthy as the folks who are in them. The same goes for monogamous relationships.
What’s the best song to have sex to?
“The Lonely Goatherd” from The Sound of Music. If you don’t have The Sound of Music—shameful!—then “If Momma Was Married” from Gypsy.
Thanks to Kayla, Chris, Lisa, Nancy, and everyone else at Pacific University who brought me in!
Oh no! Can I possibly be first?
Good take on the bacteria going into that fat fuck Glenn Beck’s gut, Dan, except that technically, bacteria are not animals. When I was in college, they were classified as eukaryotes, a kingdom a little closer to kingdom Animalia; but now they are classified as prokaryotes, more like viruses in that there is no true nucleus in most bacteria. And speaking of virus, that’s what I would want to be: a rabies virus infecting not only Glenn Beck, but also Sarah Palin, among others. Rabies is uniformly lethal. Hantavirus or Ebola virus, while not uniformly lethal, would be a good second choice. Good call Dan!
HEY, you cheap unregistered commenter, you. PPPFFFT!
Chicka what?
I vote for rabies. Glen Beck is already rabid, so it shouldn’t take too long for a second dose of Dan-rabies to finish him off.
… why the flying fuck would lube not be an option?
Yay, she says that she has The Sound Of Music!
It’s gonna be a great night, thanks Dan!
Best response EVER to the being-gay-is-a-choice question. Well done!
THE LONELY GOATHERD!!!!! oh man i almost fell off my chair. good one dan.
Thanks for such a great night at Pacific U last week, Dan! And thanks for a great answer to my bromance fetish question. I’ve been scoping out some bi guys on OkCupid!
FUCK the NALTs!
Moderate Muslims spend more time trying to convince non-Muslims that theirs is a “religion of peace” than trying to tell the fundy Muslims to tone it the heck down. Christians who tolerate fundies and try to get in good with the atheists, agnostics, etc more than they try to change Christian culture: you’re no different.
@2: Suppose you WERE a rabies virus, and suppose you did infect Glenn Beck… how would we tell the difference?
I am commenting on this for no other reason than “The Lonely Goatherd” is my absolute favorite song from “The Sound of Music.” But given that it reminds me of when my mom and dad used to sing it with me, I’m unsure if it’d ever be my go-to sex song. Actually, I am absolutely sure that it would not be.
@2 I though some clarification of microbiological terminology/concepts might be in order:
1. You are right that bacteria are not animals, and you are right that there is no true nucleus in bacteria.
2. Most likely, when you were in college (me too), bacteria were classified in the kingdom Monera, and were part of the 5-kingdom system that also included the kingdoms of Fungi, Protists, Plants, and Animals.
3. Now bacteria are classified as Eubacteria, and are part of the 3-domain system along with the Archaebacteria and Eukaryota.
4. Eubacteria and Archaebacteria are both *prokaryotic* (they don’t have a true nucleus). Eukaryota are *eukaryotic* (they do have a true nucleus).
5. The terms eukaryotic and prokaryotic have been around at least since 1962, and were coined so that biologists could classify organisms according to presence/absence of true nuclei. Thus bacteria have been recognized as prokaryotic for as long as the term ‘prokaryotic’ has existed.
6. Viruses are not cellular and are not considered to be alive by most biologist. They are not more closely related to any particular domain of life.
7. The rabies virus is not uniformly lethal. There is an extremely effective post-exposure treatment, involving a series of injections of rabies immune globulin and rabies vaccine. (Although, without treatment, rabies is almost always lethal.)
“Hook up with hope.”
Amen!
“Lonely Goatherd”?
Thanks for raping my childhood, Dan. You know, the first time I saw The Sound of Music, my parents told me it ended after the puppet show scene and switched off the TV. (They didn’t want the Nazis to scare six-year-old me.) I was quite astonished some time later, when the movie turned out to continue; for a while during my youth, I was under the impression that movies could be extended simply by rewinding and replaying the tape.
When are you going to come to the University of Texas? We’d love to see you. You have lots of fans in Austin!
We are constitutionally given inalienable human rights – life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness – unless you’re gay. then the loudmouthed closeted legislators and other influential people are outed or just plain shut up, we will probably continue to have this glaring inequality in our society. people like Dan thankfully (or thanklessly) continue to push us towards equality and acceptance.
Who else likes to hear about gay hating legislators getting outed because they try to pick up same-sex partners in public rest rooms (or wherever else for that matter)?
We are constitutionally given inalienable human rights – life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness – unless you’re gay. Until the loudmouthed closeted legislators and other influential people are outed or just plain shut up, we will probably continue to have this glaring inequality in our society. People like Dan thankfully (or thanklessly) continue to push us towards equality and acceptance.
Who else likes to hear about gay hating legislators getting outed because they try to pick up same-sex partners in public rest rooms (or wherever else for that matter)?
Um, if a dick is too big for your physical person, maybe it shouldn’t be in there! A gal could do some real damage unless she’s careful. I dunno – I’m kinda small, and I got used to my partner’s larger proportions through loving practice and time, but man, if things aren’t working, time to find other pleasures beyond simple penetration…
Christian hypocrites are quick to cite the passage of the Bible that states that “a man lying with another man as though he were a woman is an Abomination”. However, they refuse to acknowledge the “heterosexual Abomination” detailed in Deuteronomy 24.
In that story, a man divorces his wife and she later marries another man. Subsequently, that new husband either dies or divorces her. According to Deut 24, it’s an Abomination for that wife to re-marry the first husband.
A second, more damning point for Christian hypocrites is that the Bible states that “no one sin is greater than any other – except blasphemy”. But these hypocrites love to place “homosexual sin” above all others.
I have some real options for the clueless lubeless wonder. If lube is not really an option, then:
1) engage in protracted foreplay so you produce more lube naturally
2) find a new penis
But really, lube would be simpler.
Maybe the lubeless wonder or the gigantopenis are allergic to lube? But in that case, just use another kind.
@Robin, nice try on the biological taxonomy, but you’ve got it wrong. The following is summarized from the Wikipedia page on biological kingdoms http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingdom_%28… Eukaryotes (organisms whose cells have nuclei) and prokaryotes (organisms whose cells don’t have nuclei) are not “kingdoms” and never have been. Before 1866, biologists used a two-kingdoms system, Plantae (plants) and Animalia (Animals). All plants and animals are now understood to be eukaryotes. The three-kingdoms system, proposed 1866, added “Protocista” (which included all single-celled organisms, mixing together some eukaryotes and prokaryotes). At this point, bacteria were clearly in a separate kingdom from animals (which is where Dan went wrong). A four-kingdom system was proposed in 1938, with bacteria and blue-green algae together in kingdom “Monera” (all prokaryotes), with single-celled eukaryotes in kingdom “Protista.” A classification system dividing life into two “superkingdoms” or “empires” (“Eukaryota,” which included four kingdoms, plants, animals, fungi, and protists; “Prokaryota,” which included only monerans) was proposed in 1969, which may be what you were thinking of. (I won’t summarize later developments.) In short, however, bacteria have been in a separate kingdom from all eukaryotes since 1938 and in a separate kingdom from plants and animals since 1866.
Lube is not an option? I can’t understand why, but you’ve already been told your options, which are basically “change your partner” or “suffer”.
However, I still think that using lube is THE option, if you want to stay with your partner. But take into account that if it’s his length what causes trouble, no amount of lube will help. Find positions where he can’t push all the way into you.
As a confirmed NALT I’d just like to push back on the unrealistic assumption that liberal Christians can somehow reign in conservative Christians’ diatribes against gays and lesbians. How about if Dan Savage, a Social Commentator, reigns in his own fellow Social Commentators. Let me put it this way:
Second: all those quiet, timid, and cowardly NALT social commentators out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative co-social commentators to hijack social commentary. (“NALT” stands for “not all like that,” the phrase you hear from liberal social commentators whenever you bitch about conservative social commentators, i.e., “We’re not all like that!” Yes, yes, NALTs—we know. You’re not all like that. Don’t tell us. Tell Glenn Beck, tell the Rush Limbaugh, tell Michael Medved.)
“Suffer” Oy. If it’s the length, you can get an open ended masturbation sleeve, cut it to size, and put it on the part of his dick that doesn’t fit in.
If it’s the girth, a woman can stretch herself out over time by twenty minutes a day lying down with a dildo inside her. Gradually increase dildo girth as things get looser. Since graduated dildos are expensive, cheaper to do this with condoms on carrots (in appropriately increasing widths). But use lube, for this and for sex!
@27 #1: You’re comparing social commentary, which is at its root driven by money and ratings, to the biggest organized religion in the country, many denominations of which make efforts to fund and support those social commentators that advocate their religious views? Yeah, and conservative social commentators cause so much more tangible damage to the rights of LGBT citizens than the religious do. Srsly? Nice try.
And #2: When have the NALTs tried to push back? If the fundies can organize themselves and put themselves in the public sphere that way, why can’t you? I think NALTs are just like the Democrats – a lot of talk, no action, bitching at their base instead of getting anything done.
@27 And P.S.: Dan does push back against conservative social commentators, if you haven’t noticed. At this point, it’s not acceptable for CSCs to say “Oh, it’s totally cool for these kids to have been harassed to the point of suicide because of teh ghey.” Dan’s one-man (or maybe two-man, including Terry) IGBP has done more in the past two months to raise awareness and advance the dialogue about gay kids than I’ve seen NALTs do in at least the last 20 years.
I’m a straight male roman catholic who is out spoken whenever I get a chance about my whole hearted support for gay marriage whenever it comes up, and I work in construction in NYC so dont think that hasnt raised a few eyebrows or caused some speculation among my peers.
So why dont you suck MY dick Dan?
Re Suffer:
Has it dawned on anyone that she’s talking about *length*? No lubrication in the world — natural or synthetic — is going to make that work, and that’s a particularly excruciating kind of pain to have to endure.
In that case, the best bet is to experiment with positions so that you aren’t in pain, and your gentleman doesn’t have to be so mindful of hurting you. Pick up a copy of The Joy of Sex or something similar, there’s all kinds of interesting acrobatics in there that should accommodate both of you and let you have a pain- and anxiety-free sex life (nothing will destroy your sex life faster than one or both partners being afraid of pain/causing pain, the anxiety will just shut the whole thing down. Trust me on that one.)
Re Suffer:
Has it dawned on anyone that she’s talking about *length*? No lubrication in the world — natural or synthetic — is going to make that work, and that’s a particularly excruciating kind of pain to have to endure.
In that case, the best bet is to experiment with positions so that you aren’t in pain, and your gentleman doesn’t have to be so mindful of hurting you. Pick up a copy of The Joy of Sex or something similar, there’s all kinds of interesting acrobatics in there that should accommodate both of you and let you have a pain- and anxiety-free sex life (nothing will destroy your sex life faster than one or both partners being afraid of pain/causing pain, the anxiety will just shut the whole thing down. Trust me on that one.)
Sorry, Dan, but I have to disagree with some of your advice here. The Sound of Music is fucking terrible. Those creepy little children scare the crap out of me.
I have yodeling stuck in my head. I’m trying to write a sex scene right now and I have yodeling stuck in my head.
Any length can be accommodated anally, after teasing the second sphincter for ten or twenty minutes until it too opens up.
Keep up the good work, Dan. You and Rachel are my favorite homos.
@25 – thanks for addressing the taxonomy error. My additional 2 cents (pet peeve) – the term “animal,” is used in common parlance to denote things that are “alive” and aren’t plants. It’s similar to the use of the term “fruit” in a culinary context. In neither case are the terms accorded their scientific meaning.
A Christian minister (with a congregation of 40) threatens to burn the Koran, and he’s front page coverage throughout the world, for weeks on end. That kind of press coverage is kind of hard to generate if you are a reasonable, liberal practitioner of any religion. Locally, an imam found graffiti on his house after attending an interfaith prayer vigil involving several hundred people. It wasn’t even clear whether the graffiti was specifically directed at him or at Islam. Guess what got front page coverage (above the fold in the local paper) and what got a single line of text buried in the article on the inside continuation. Acceptance of queers within religious denominations is no longer news. NALTs don’t do the violent, irrational things that get press coverage and so they are invisible.
@37, whatever your taxonomy, I like your point about media coverage. Which is dumbing down, soudbite-oriented and irresistable to politicians & fantatics with a cause.
If you like some decent evidence, are not sure about things, think situations and people are complex, and don’t have the arrogance to impose your views on others, then you don’t get much airspace.
My solution is to vote with my feet: I’ve abandoned most of my consumption of media, and just visit relatively thoughtful places like here.
Love the advice for anyone who is the dumpee. Lord knows if I got dumped today, I’d be on the horn to my former booty call. I’d be upset, but nothing helps me when I’m upset over a lost love like fucking someone else. I always think it’s so funny when people say, “I thought he/she loved me, but they fucked someone else right after we broke up!” I don’t see the connection. Sex is sex, love is love, and sometimes, if you’re lucky, both happen at the same time. Most of the time they don’t.
Then I’d eat a tub of ice cream.
If we’re talking about a woman, I’d advise a copy of Women’s Anatomy of Arousal, by Sheri Winston. Joy of Sex is ok, but there are complete organ systems missing in most texts on female anatomy. It’s not even the fault of modern folks – a lot of it was simply excised from history. (the clitoris is NOT a tiny button, but looks more like a wishbone) If lube is “not an option” then extended foreplay is absolutely essential. Dehydration and medications (even allergy pills) can lead to a dry vagina, so lube up! I recommend Wet Lite – it’s approved for medical use, so it’s as safe as a lube can be! (yes, I sell these!)
I like these: “I’m an animal already—I’m a primate, like you.”
“I know nothing about No Shave November—but I’m an American, and we don’t let ignorance stop us from forming opinions.”
@LINAO: In addition to everything below, you should be engaging in plenty of non-penetrative sex before engaging in penetrative sex. Higher degrees of sexual arousal will increase vaginal self-lubrication (if we’re talking a vagina here) and relax genital/genital-area muscles, allowing the hole to stretch more and accommodate a larger object without pain/with less discomfort. If you have an orgasm before penetration, you’ll likely be quite relaxed. Lube IS an option, it may simply be one you have discounted for some reason. If there’s an allergy, try a different kind, if there’s an allergy to ALL of them, get non-lubricated condoms (you’re using condoms anyway, right?) and slap the lube on the side of the partner who isn’t allergic. If the big dick is allergic, use a non-lubricated on-the-dick condom and lubricate the outside. If the vagina/rectum is allergic, get a non-lubricated “female” condom and slather-up the inside. If there’s no allergy, get the hell over your lube hang-up, or find a smaller dick for penetrative sex (could be a plastic/rubber one that could be used with the same guy, or a flesh one on a different guy). If it’s length and not girth that’s the issue, have the dick-bearer NOT TRY TO PUSH ALL THE WAY IN. Or wrap a hand (or 2?) around the base so he can’t (though if he refuses to try things that make sex not-painful for you, and you’re not actively into that pain, you might want to find a different dick anyway, attached to someone who isn’t an inconsiderate, selfish fucker, as it were).
And now I shall never be able to hear “The Lonely Goatherd” the same way ever again.
@ 31:
Why the angst, stormcrow? You’re practicing what Dan is preaching. The great majority of your fellow NALTers aren’t. No need for your oddly sexualized resentment here.
For what it’s worth, the Episcopal Church in the US basically split over the election of Gene Robinson, their first openly gay bishop (he also did a video for It Gets Better). Those in favor of his appointment didn’t back down from their position despite the vigorous and cruel dissents from the homophobes. I’m not a Christian of any description, but my mother is an Episcopalian (in Texas, no less) and her church is proudly pro-gay, and some of the clergy officiate at gay weddings. Those Episcopalians, with both actions and words, stood up for gay rights and made their position a national issue. If that doesn’t count as Christians taking a stand to show the world that not all Christians are hateful homophobic fucks, what does? All the NALTs need to follow that example.
@ 37:
“NALTs don’t do the violent, irrational things that get press coverage and so they are invisible.”
NALTies don’t do *anything*, so they are invisible. Time for you to cowgirl up and organize against the fundies who have ruined your tradition.
My BF – a *very* talented top – finds lube makes things too slippery. To compensate, we use lots of foreplay including a good long round of rimming for me to get things ready. And he’s pretty big. My .02
Perhaps lube isn’t an option because she’s allergic to the most common types of lubes, and isn’t aware that there are other types if she only looks hard enough.
“If I had to be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband’s gut…”
That’s disturbingly sweet.
“If I had to be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband’s gut”
My first thought when I read that was,” How romantic!”
Clearly I’ve been reading this column for too long. And keep up the good work, Mr. Savage.
Also, the best song for having sex is, indisputably, the Led Zeppelin version of “When The Levee Breaks.” Especially for girl-on-top hetero sex.
LOL — “The Lonely Goat Herd??” Ask a silly question, get a silly answer. At least you didn’t respond with “The William Tell Overture.”
Ummm I think No-Shave November is a cousin to an event called “Movember” (mo for moustache) in the civilised (i.e. non-American) world.
You’d probably approve Dan, since it’s aimed at raising both money for and awareness of prostate cancer (and other men’s-health issues). People do this by stopping shaving and collecting sponsors. At the end of the event they should be sporting a moustache.
My workplace used to get hugely into it with before and after shots and everything.
Women could participate but tended to go for armpit hair growth instead.
http://nz.movember.com/
Miss No Lube perhaps also ought to see a doctor. One of my friends had a problem with vaginal intercourse for a very long time (and nothing worked, lube or foreplay) to ease the pain. But upon physical examination it turned out that part of her hymen hadn’t broken and was stretched across her vaginal passage, making it painful and difficult to have sex. A simple snip in the doctor’s office fixed it.
@45, “NALTies don’t do *anything*, so they are invisible. Time for you to cowgirl up and organize against the fundies who have ruined your tradition.”
Huh. I’ll be sure to mention that to our Lutheran minister. I’ll be singing with the rest of the choir during his commitment ceremony with his boyfriend next spring.
The ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) has decreed that gays and lesbians in committed relationships can serve as ordained ministers, and congregations that disagree with this have been told, in effect, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”
I must remember that answer to whether being gay is a choice! Now if I could only find someone dumb enough to ask me that…
The media is most definitely complicit in giving the crazy conservative Christians a bigger voice.
I’m not just talking Fox, liberal media contributes just as much to the problem.
How much coverage has the Stranger given to people like Ken Hutcherson, Mark Driscoll and Tony Perkins? Every time Hutch sends out a batshit crazy email, Eli makes a Slog post for it. Whenever Mark Driscoll lets some misogynist, bigoted shit come out of his mouth, there’s a Slog post for it. Whenever Tony Perkins says something ignorant and evil about gays and lesbians, Dan Savage will unfailingly post it on Slog.
Every time you post and discuss the bile that comes out of the religious right’s mouth, you give it legitimacy and power.
I don’t care what the NALTs do. It’s time for the liberal media, including the Stranger, to stop giving a voice and platform to the right-wing religious bigots.
wtf is wrong with lube, I use astroglide all the time to masturbate, unless you are squirter and can get nice and wet yourself, why not lube up that big cock and fuck it, you can even get organic lube if that is your hangup
@#15: You are right that when I was in college that bacteria were classified as monera. However, fungi hadn’t gotten their promotion yet; they were not their own separate kingdom. I admit I did not know about the three-tier system of bacteria classification. We were also taught that viruses are not considered to be alive, so you and I jibe on that. You are more up to date on your microbiology than I am.
As for #7, I meant to say that untreated rabies is uniformly lethal, and I guess you’re saying even that’s not right. I actually did get the rabies vaccine in 1994 after a bite from a feral cat. Fun time, that was. Most pain I’ve ever felt in my life. “Rabies is uniformly lethal” is a direct quote from one of the ER doctors that treated me. So either he misspoke or he was dumbing it down for me.
Either way, that’s what I want to be so I can infect that fat dumb demagogue fuck Glenn Beck. If I can’t be rabies or hantavirus, how about a Creutzfeldt-Jakob prion? (Though, having a sponge for a brain would be redundant on Palin and also the lusty Miss O’Donnell.)
@19 “We are constitutionally given inalienable human rights – life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”
You’re quoting the Declaration of Independence, not the constitution. Further, those inalienable rights are given by our creator, at least according to said declaration.
The constitution sets up the format of government, with the Bill of Rights giving certain alienable rights that the founders thought were a good idea at the time.
If you’re going to have sex to a song from Sound of Music, go with I Have Confidence. It begins slowly and quietly, then gets faster a louder, and ends in a wonderful, loud climax.
Just a thought.
Excess length and ladies, assuming we’re talking PIV:
– Keep your legs down in missionary position.
– Avoid doggie-style like all hell
– Spooning and similar positions are probably your best friend here.
But none of that is going to help if you’re dry. There’s lube out there for every possible allergy or preference – try babeland.com. If you’re really embarrassed about lube and aren’t willing to, say, keep your pants on until you’ve worked through your issues, you could always get one of those lube-squirters they sell for anal use and use it to apply lube vaginally in the bathroom before intercourse. And lie that you’re just that hot for his enormous man package.
(Speaking as one of the many women who couldn’t handle libido-killing birth control pills and got an IUD, I had to find positions where I never got poked in the cervix for months or I reacted like I’d been kicked in the nads. Still worth it.)
@50: that is an awesome song. Though I’m not sure it’d be best for sex, or to get through a nasty breakup. Maybe both?
@61: Lol, maybe that could cheer on a dude with erectile disfunction.
GREAT, now whenever I’m having sex, I won’t be able to hear anything OTHER than “The Lonely Goatherd.” Especially the tuba-playing part.
And for those who need a refresher, or want their ears to get similarly infected, here you go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snL8tTlfb…
Well, I am disappointed. I Googled No Shave November, and it’s for the boys celebrating masculinity! I was hoping it would be about girls like this!
I don’t think your argument is good about homosexuality being a choice or not. There are choices you make young enough, when you don’t discern. There are choices you can undo, and choose back, and there are choices that you can’t undo, and choose back, another option.
Sexual orientation could be a result of genetics and your environment (Genotype and phenotype? I don’t know, I’m guessing because I don’t know the actual terms in English). Could be one more than another, or could be not. Immutable sexuality could be a social construction, as sexuality is, as gender is. Aren’t there some opinions since middle XX century that say that just a minority of the population is actually gay or straight, and that the rest fluctuates in between in different grades of sexuality? I’m not talking about the prehistoric Kinsey scale type of “grades”, but some other more rational, adjustable, less stereotypical and less dogmatic.
BTW, I’m just saying…
@40 – Thank you for mentioning “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure”, just bought it off Amazon. Can’t wait to read it!
Awesome column this go-round. Thanks for letting the str8s know that ‘warming’ lube is a fail. But I wish you had delved more deeply into WHY lube is not an option for Mr. Big. Is it a religious thing?
I have had sex while The Lonely Goatherd was playing (don’t ask) and I don’t recommend it — unless you actually like the idea of being transported back to your childhood while fucking. Too weird for me!
Finally a use for my Sound of Music and Gypsy records.. Thanks mom!
37 NALT: Here’s what you do: you open a mouth. In YOUR church. You say, a la Anne Rice, that YOU are a Christian who is TIRED of evil, stupid people claiming that Christianity is about hatred. You organize. You publicly and energetically support pro-human rights candidates. You hold meetings and you stage protests and you write letters. You meet with your pastor or the head of the congregation as many times as necessary. You REFUSE to belong to a church or be counted as part of a group that promotes hatred or intolerance.
What you DON’T do is lay down like a whipped dog and say there’s nothing you can do about evil in the Christian churches, except make little mewing apologies and wimpy disclaimers when another child kills himself.
Oh my God! I love the Spray ‘N Wash Stain Stick, too!
Hey Dan,
Could you write a column on companionate marriage some time? If you need me to send you a letter and ask, I’ll do it, but maybe this is enough. We read so much about all the sex people are having I’m curious about the sex that people aren’t having.
Thanks!
Why must people on the left wish death on anyone with whom they disagree? So you disagree with Glenn Beck. Why not a reasoned, articulate rebuttal, and leave it at that? If you think he’s a fool, then prove it. You really don’t help your cause by saying, basically, “I hate you and I wish you were dead!”
I disagree with you sometimes, Dan. But I don’t want you dead, for Christ’s sake. Grow up. I used to be a big fan, but you’re losing me with your fantasies of killing people.
“but I’m an American, and we don’t let ignorance stop us from forming opinions.”
LOVE it!
For the person asking about lube – look for paraben free and glycerol free lube. That will likely help!
I don’t have reccomendations, because I can only find lube that is missing one or the other, but not both. Astroglide’s “natural” lube works well for me, but it does have some paraben.
@44 Where in Texas does your mom live/attend church? Don’t worry, I’m not intending to stalk her, but I live in Texas, too, and I’m interested in switching churches. It’s just kind of hard to know where to look since none of them are exactly waving rainbow flags. And you never know which ones really support the gay bishop/gay marriage, or which ones are just grinding their teeth and going a long with what their Diocese says to do. Anyway, just curious!
For the “too big, no lube” question: sometimes I have the problem of it hurting my hymen area right when it goes in. I asked my gyno what to do about this, and (in addition to lube!) she suggested that I use my fingers to stretch the hymen a bit before intercourse. I passed that info a long to my wonderful, wonderful boyfriend, and now, him using his fingers to stretch me out a little is just a standard part of our foreplay. That said, I can’t imagine lube not being an option…um, ouch?! And ick! That writer needs to explore his/her options!
And finally, Dan, you cracked me the fuck up with “The Lonely Goatherd.” But the tapeworm thing? I think I vaguely remember you writing once that Terry can eat whatever he wants and still look great…was that the point? I laughed, because it’s SO YOU, but I’m not sure I really get it. I’m not sure if it’s romantic, evil, or both (like those skull rings…hmm).
I’m with you on everything else – but never, ever use the term “breeder” again. It’s insulting and sophomoric.
@81 – echoing this sentiment.
http://www.mlp.org/index.php?topic=about…
Short of noisy protests on the streets or whatever, I’m not sure what more you expect… (aside from things like, oh, voting for or against relevant propositions, which I suspect most NALTs who actually vote, um, already do…)
@ 81 I feel that Dan should and can use any term he wants to describe folks as he sees them. If he sees certain heteros who, as a group, breed irresponsibly or use breeding as a platform to justify/create additional hatred; call it as it is Dan.
They are breeders; mere cattle to the slaughterhouse/meatpacking house of ignorance.
As a NON CHILDED hetero straight female (by choice: im fertile as the fields) I think BREEDERS is an accurate term to describe all the hateful, breeder heteros who act so very superior to me or my loverboy simply because they spawned. Just because we’re not part of the BABY BRIGADE in our 40’s you’d think we had become terrorists or have a social disease.
Having a child does not instantly exonerate your sins, make your opinions more valid or give you innate wisdom so quit patronizing those of us who remain childless. I have never needed my uterus full or empty to use my brain . . . . . They are not connected directly or Jerry Springer would have less audience. Good lord, overpopulation much?
Not choosing to have kids is not a problem, issue or a character flaw. Quit acting like we are pariahs for being socially responsible.
These type of folks above ARE breeders, Dan, you’re right, NOT everyone with kids
@ Lechugo (67): I don’t think your argument is good about homosexuality being a choice or not.
The whole question of “is homosexuality a choice?” is a distraction and tangent from the question of “is homosexuality okay?” Because while you can’t choose your orientation (you’re attracted to whomever you’re attracted to, and you don’t have conscious control over that), you can choose your actions, and people are more than capable of having sex with people to whom they’re not attracted, or not having sex with the people to whom they are attracted. In Dan’s example, the person absolutely could suck his dick, in order to prove him wrong– he’s just unlikely to want to prove his point as much as he is to not do something gay.
People say “being gay is not a choice” when they mean “being gay is not a sin.” The difficulty is, people who think it is a sin (as far as I know) object more to the actions than to the orientation, and it’s disingenuous to say that the actions aren’t chosen. It leaves out a whole, complex, multi-nuanced range of ways of relating to one’s sexual orientation.
We’d be better off sticking firmly with “there’s nothing morally wrong with being gay” than in making an argument about “choice” to which there are hundreds of thousands of counterexamples (like, for instance, every bisexual person ever).
@80
My mom goes to Palmer Memorial Episcopal Church in Houston. It’s in the medical center area, very close to Rice University. The current rector is slightly annoying, but EVERYONE is outspoken in their support for gay rights. The rector has given several sermons about it, actually. They also have one of the best choirs in the country, and it’s a very pretty church.
You forgot…two men raising a child is a selfish act by conceited entitlement minded individuals. For your vanity, you are HAPPY to experiment on a human…just to see IF raising a balanced human is possible. I do not hate gays, but I see them for what they are…self centered egotistical extroverted chip-on-the-shoulder little hitlers.
Case in point…you have hard on for Christians…really bad. But IGNORE what a muslim would do to you in a HEART BEAT. Just because all the muslims in the U.S. refuse to expose themselves and anything but islamic sheep…as soon as they could, they’d gut you, your man and dash the brains of your child.
Live your righteous live under the protection of this country, that is your right.
But don’t you dare vacation in Lebanon and think you’d be welcomed or “understood”, you would have neither.
Your conceit has been served.
Osage
Congrats, Dan! This is an amazing column. As much as I love the column, and read it every week, today is the first time I was inspired to read every comment posted. By the way, I have no problem with “The Lonely Goatherd.” It is, after all, about two people finding each other. But “If Momma Was Married” seriously cracked me up, made me laugh out loud. I’ve been singing it in my cabaret act for 30 years, I still love the song, and audiences of all ages still react well to the humor.
The frequency of people who double post in the stranger comment section because their comment didn’t show up right away is amusing.
The frequency of people who double post in the stranger comment section because their comment didn’t show up right away is amusing.
Godwin’s Law never fails, does it. LOL
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin%27s_…
Godwin’s Law certainly does creep in…from Liberals as well as Conservatives. I do believe lberals have no problem referring to their opponents (or is is enemies now???) as Nazis.
Such a predictable lament.
Osage
BTW – I know this is taboo in Seattle, but HAPPY VETERANS DAY to all veterans!
Osage
Glad you could join us, Osage, and stick around. You’ll be the first non-anonymous troll on Savage Love. It’s heartening to know people like you are curious and interested in Dan’s daily thoughts and weekly judgments.
Dan, when you say “there wasn’t anything interesting or sexy or awesome about a burning hole” you are leaving out all of us who are into figging! It involves ginger root and a seriously burning hole Google it.
@59: well, as of 1994, it pretty much was uniformly lethal. The Milwaukee protocol was thought up ten years afterward, and even that only has a success/survival rate of, what, 15-20%?
“What should I do if it is too BIG to get in without hurting? Lube is not an option!”
Adding my own suggestions while summarizing others. I’ve been through this before and will again. Plus, I know one girl walking around with a couple years worth of grey-area rape trauma from having let her husband fuck her even when it hurt. Others shall benefit by our experience and NOT end up feeling kinda-sorta raped or keeping their virginities for years longer than they really wanted to.
1. Why is lube not an option? When he’s only a little too big, extra lube can be the difference between it feeling good and him being told to get that thing out of there right now. Try out many more lubes by buying the samples from a good sex shop, and pay attention to ingredients. Or use unlubricated condoms plus lube on one side as suggested by others. If your partner just won’t try lube for reasons other than allergies, dump him and get one who’s less of an asshole!
2. If he is too long, there are several things to try. One, train him to not ram your cervix. If words won’t work, perhaps you should demonstrate how it feels by repeatedly punching him in the gut. This will soften him up for any of measures 2-4. Two, try different positions that use up some of his length or cause you to lengthen out a bit. Three, use a hand or cockring to set a stopping point where he cannot slide into you further. Between 5-6″ from the head should be right. Four, dump the jerk because he doesn’t care that he is punching you in the gut most thrusts.
3. If he has too much girth, you can buy a set of graduated dildos/vibrators to help stretch you open in gentle stages when you’re together. Said toys need to taper, that is, have a small head and a wide area on the shaft or base, with a pretty smooth glide between. Hard shape to find, sadly. This is what works for me, and my boyfriend thinks the process is sexy. Using them alone will help stretch you permanently too, though he may never get to jump from one finger to his 1.5″ diameter cock. But what about one finger > two fingers > 1″ toy > 1.25″ toy > 1.5″ toy > boy? With time and practice the steps get faster and easier, and you start reaching boy size more of the time. Unfortunately this solution REALLY needs the boy involved to be kind, gentle, and understanding.
Good luck for you with your boy, but if he’s too much of a jerk to do any of this to make you comfortable during sex, do not wait: dump him and get one who DOES care about your health, pleasure and happiness. They are out there.
Maybe carrots, rather than sticks:
Can lgbt folks start throwing fabulous events where we give awards to Lutherans and Episcopalians? Maybe they get to personally meet glamorous lgbt celebrities. Then have amazing dance parties afterwards?
Like: nationwide, Episcopalians and Lutherans can enter a drawing to have brunch with Ellen and then appear on her show.
Those other NALTs will be lining up to get invitations.
Osage: May I suggest Dan’s book, ‘The Kid,’ in which he actually details his reasons for wanting to be a parent.
Gay Hitler thanks you for the pageviews, meanwhile.
@97
What the fuck is grey-area rape?
@66 Bleh! Half the womyn of this town don’t shave anyway. Ugliest broads of any West Coast city right here.
@stormcrow – so why don’t you leave the Catholic church? I assume you pay into the collection plate, I assume you haven’t called for your community to leave the Catholic church in protest.
Why do you let your money and membership get used to support the oppression of LGBT folks?
You could go up the block to your local United or Anglican/Episcopalian church and get nearly the exact same doctrine, but with a married minister and acceptance of gays and lesbians.
After all, you *already* are directly disagreeing with the Catholic church. The Pope says gay is bad. The pope’s word is God’s word, according to Catholicism. So either you think God is wrong, or the Catholic Church is wrong and is misrepresenting the word of God to its followers. So why are you still part of the Catholic church?
@stormcrow – so why don’t you leave the Catholic church? I assume you pay into the collection plate, I assume you haven’t called for your community to leave the Catholic church in protest.
Why do you let your money and membership get used to support the oppression of LGBT folks?
You could go up the block to your local United or Anglican/Episcopalian church and get nearly the exact same doctrine, but with a married minister and acceptance of gays and lesbians.
After all, you *already* are directly disagreeing with the Catholic church. The Pope says gay is bad. The pope’s word is God’s word, according to Catholicism. So either you think God is wrong, or the Catholic Church is wrong and is misrepresenting the word of God to its followers. So why are you still part of the Catholic church?
@stormcrow – so why don’t you leave the Catholic church? I assume you pay into the collection plate, I assume you haven’t called for your community to leave the Catholic church in protest.
Why do you let your money and membership get used to support the oppression of LGBT folks?
You could go up the block to your local United or Anglican/Episcopalian church and get nearly the exact same doctrine, but with a married minister and acceptance of gays and lesbians.
After all, you *already* are directly disagreeing with the Catholic church. The Pope says gay is bad. The pope’s word is God’s word, according to Catholicism. So either you think God is wrong, or the Catholic Church is wrong and is misrepresenting the word of God to its followers. So why are you still part of the Catholic church?
There’s 2 schools of thought on the “my group is doing a bad thing” issue (whether the group is a religion, a country, a political party…)
There’s those who just leave, or (if the issue is small enough to them) suffer in silence. And there’s those who try to fight from within, because leaving only concentrates the remaining evil…
Liberal Christians ALLOWED fundamentalists to “hijack” Christianity? Moderate Muslims allowed insane fundamentalists to “hijack” Islam, I suppose? What the hell are we supposed to do about it? I mean that as an honest question; how do you imagine that liberal Christians have any more influence over fundamentalist Christians than you do? Christianity is not like a parliamentary body that debates and votes on what our message to the world is. I’m completely baffled by your supposition that liberal Christians have some magic power over the right-wing religious assholes that we are just too meek and passive to exert. Dan, you’re seriously an insensitive asshole for your attitude toward liberal Christians who do work to preach the message that our faith is compatible with and supportive of homosexual people and homosexuality. Telling us that we’re 50% of the problem when we’re actively working to help is just asinine, hateful and ignorant.
Dan, are you or Terry the yodeler?
LOL you are too funny!
Once again, Dan lets his liberal/atheist politics use the anti-gay canard to tarnish anyone who is a Christian or conservative.
For the record, Glenn Beck leans libertarian and I believe he actually supports gay marriage. Which means the only reason you chose to insult him is that you don’t like the fact that he is a Christian and conservative.
“I’m a straight male roman catholic who is out spoken whenever I get a chance about my whole hearted support for gay marriage whenever it comes up, and I work in construction in NYC so dont think that hasnt raised a few eyebrows or caused some speculation among my peers.
So why dont you suck MY dick Dan?”
Are you saying that you think gay is a choice? OK, you win, but that wasn’t the challenge. If Dan won’t suck it for ya, I’m sure plenty others on here will. (I’ll think about it, but I need pix).
OMG! Thank you #84! I’m sooo sick of people who think they’re better than me because they had kids (whether they planned them or not). & usually they’ll say, “Well,people who don’t want kids shouldn’t have them; they’ll just abuse them. Umm, no; the dumbasses that abuse kids are the ONES THAT HAVE THEM.
my alma mater! awesome. wish I was still a student so I could have heard you speak. Thanks for sharing more questions.
@Gaudior (85)
I’d answer your second paragraph, but I’m too lazy, having a whole post in slog that answers for me.
http://walkingwithintegrity.blogspot.com…
Ok, I COULD agree with the question (is homosexuality a choice?) being tangential. But that doen’t make it less valid. When I gave those examples, i meant, for example, that the person Dan answered could not choose to be gay as long as his choose for homosexuality were previous and could not be undone. As for the actions, I’ll translate the answer given before: I don’t think it’s relevant, I don’t care that everyone else is talking about ACTING gay and not BEING gay because that differentiation as Bishop John Shelby Spong says, it’s a part of a self serving lie […].
I may, from your answer, see that I didn’t make myself clear, and I use to think it’s my fault and I’m sorry because English is not my mother language, but I could explain it shortly and simpler.
I’ve always HATED the argument of homosexuality not being a choice to remark that homosexuality is not right (I won’t talk about sin or not sin, because there actually are many secular homophobic assholes around everywhere). Imagine, just imagine, that it’s clear enough that homosexuality is a choice. Not homosexual acts, but the sexual orientation, BEING GAY. Would that make it wrong? I think it would not. And as I think it wouldn’t, I also think that that very used argument is weak (as homosexuality could be a choice), so the way mostly NALTs use to convince themselves and other christians (and not christians) is weak and reversible, and dangerous. Homosexuality is not a bad thing because it’s not a choice. Homosexuality is not a bad thing because its personal stuff, and it doesn’t hurt third party, and because every argument told to make believe it’s bad, is arbitrary (we are surrounded bu “unnatural things, since when naturality of things is a valid criteria to discern between good and bad things? does naturality make medicine, for example, a bad thing?) and based on a previous judgment and posterior arguments built FROM that judgment.
The whole ‘lube is not an option’ thing didn’t surprise me really. College girl living with parents who snoop or she’s weirded out by the IDEA of lube (’cause she’s still pretty young/immature) or… there are lots of reasons she could want to avoid lube (none valid, really… she’ll figure that out when she finally tries it).
How about natural lube, like lady-juices or good ol’ fashioned spit?
How to get santorum out of your sheets? Get them in the wash machine ASAP, while they are still damp, before it sets in.
Osage @ #87, let me see if I can sum your comment up:
“I don’t hate gays, but I’ll make hateful generalizations about them because many disagree with me.”
See, wasn’t that simpler?
#75 It doesn’t matter very much what Jews feel about gay marriage, and it doesn’t matter in the least how Muslims feel. They do not have the influence on American politics that Christians do. That’s why Dan blames them specifically. “Christianity seems like the major barrier, because they are the majority.” Well, uh, YEAH.
#67 Oh, yes. If someone asks you if being gay is a choice, answer him that way. I dare you.
#75 It doesn’t matter very much what Jews feel about gay marriage, and it doesn’t matter in the least how Muslims feel. They do not have the influence on American politics that Christians do. That’s why Dan blames them specifically. “Christianity seems like the major barrier, because they are the majority.” Well, uh, YEAH.
#67 Oh, yes. If someone asks you if being gay is a choice, answer him that way. I dare you.
OK, so I really, really hate lube. I hate the texture. I hate the way it feels all goopy on my hands. I hate how it’s impossible to open a condom wrapper or a bottle of lube or do anything else with my hands because they’re all slippery and gooey. I hate how afterwards it’s impossible to get rid of.
I try to use saliva or natural juices whenever possible. They don’t seem to have these problems and they don’t leave residue; they just sort of absorb.
So are there any lubes that avoid these problems?
@117: What do you mean, you dare 67 to answer that way? 67 is correct. Human sexuality is flexible and sometimes changes depending on the situation or environment.
i followed Dan’s break up advice–it was better for me, but the break-upee didn’t appreciate the clean break and would, have, I think preferred a dishonest drag out where i acted unsure and led her on for a while. she is still pissed 2 years later and I’m her only ex shes not friends with. I still think his advice is good, but not for reasons of selfless compassion. people are different adn prefer different things.
also–i followed this advice (which dan gives a lot) in part after having the humiliating revelation that dan mentions after i was last dumped.
@Why is lube not an option?, people:
She might have had some sort of allergic reaction to a lube, and doesn’t want to try another one. Yeast infections/allergic reactions due to that type of thing = not fun. And before everyone starts jumping on the use olive oil (or whatever) bandwagon, well, that would pose a problem if they’re using condoms. If this is the issue, she just needs to get over it and experiment a bit.
And, I sincerely hope that its not because her partner doesn’t think its not necessary or some BS.
@43
I guess I’m just sick of people wagging their collective fingers at christians/catholics like we have the monopoly on judgemental ignorance. I am Not Like That, or whatever, and I dont tolerate hate speech when I’m confronted by it, neither do most of the folks I go to church with.
The lube issue may be yeasty. If you get yeast infections from lube, try a glycerin-free water-based lube. I had a chronic yeast infection for over 5 years before I realized it was the glycerin (i.e. sugar) in the lubes I used. And none of the OB/GYNs that I went to ever went there… it was a Babeland educator that passed this nugget of wisdom, and my yeast infections have dramatically decreased in frequency. Babelube® is my favorite, but there are several out there (Liquid Silk, Sliquid, and I think even KY and Astroglide have glycerin-free options). You can also try silicone-based lube… it lasts forever! However, it is harder to clean, and should not be used with silicone toys.
@118, my hubs & I use J&J baby lotion. It absorbs into the skin pretty quickly, so isn’t great (or needs to be reapplied) for super long sessions. But it doesn’t create a gross mess, doesn’t have a slimy, goopy texture and even with my super sensitive, fair, Irish skin, never causes any irritation or problems.
I like Dan’s sex advice, but his political opinions I can do without. You wish death on Glenn Beck because he is annoying? That’s wrong.
The Lonely Goatherd. Ridiculous. Hilarious.
The Lonely Goatherd. Ridiculous. Hilarious.
Osage is a weenie.
@85: the argument is queered either way. If being gay is something inherent like being black or being female, then you can construct the argument that it’s no more fair to discriminate on that basis than on the other two.
If being gay IS a choice, then either the person you’re arguing with can do exactly what Dan suggests :), or he can concede that religion should not be protected from discrimination because one’s religion is a choice.
So yeah, the real issue is that there is nothing wrong with being queer (whether chosen or inherent), full stop. There are legal precedents for protecting both sorts of things. But a side effect of that is that the arguments against are sophomoric — which these types of answers so astutely point out.
(Of course the other problem is that these religious types just don’t think rationally at all — and again there’s the real crux of the issue to begin with. How to reason with the unreasonable?)
Awright I’m dizzy now, let me off!
@37, you’re a little confused about the various meanings of terms like “animal” and “fruit” in scientific vs. vernacular contexts. These words had their everyday meanings first. The specialized scientific meanings were added later. And there’s no danger of mixing them up, because it’s clear from the context whether a term is being used in its original, non-technical sense. Even though “jerk” has a special meaning in physics (as the third derivative of displacement with respect to time), it can easily determined from the rest of the sentence when that special meaning is intended. So don’t be a jerk.
Dan: If you keep being hateful and ugly, how can I tell you apart from those that you despise for their hatred and ugliness?
Christianity and most major religions is opposed to gay marriage based on the principles of the religion. It is important to stress law and not religion when talking to any religious person. What you and your religion practice is one thing, a matter of law should be separate. If society is accepting of a change in law, even if our laws were originally based on a certain shared religious doctoring, the laws need to reflect societies view of acceptance.
The problem is we can’t argue with those who think laws and their religion is one in the same. We can talk, scream, jump up and down and through hissy fits but the conservatives won’t hear us, debate us, read our arguments or listen to us. We are not the barrier, the barrier is within the conservative Christians hearts and minds. All we can do for them is pray for them. God can reach down and knock some sense into them, we can’t.
Another problem is the media loves to portray all Christians as ultraconservative radicals in order for the liberal media to keep spreading the hate against Christians. Mainstream Christians do not get air time or print space on their views. Only those horrible people that oppose it are heard from in order to keep up the portrait of those ‘horrible’ Christians alive.
On a side note: For the life of me I can’t understand Rush’s opposition. He is a very intelligent smart man who does wonderful research and analysis on the issues but he is a stubborn douche-bag about same sex marriage. He really needs to pull his head out of his ass on this one. I actually agree with many of his views on things but same sex marriage, it’s like he punted it any never bothered looking into the issue at all. Lame, way lame.
@100
grey-area rape is the kind of sex that involves more subtle coercion and can’t fairly be construed as rape.
Chandra’s experience is a common one – women are oftne too timid to (or have some reason why they can’t) say “stop” when they want to stop. The guy in question isn’t really doing anything wrong – consent was given and never withdrawn – but the the woman winds up feeling violated anyway, just without anyone to blame, other than the societ yin which she was raised, I guess?
@133
Yes, I’ve had experiences like those myself. But please, for the love of God, can we NOT use the word rape in this context? Rape denotes force, period. If a woman is legally able to consent and does so, it’s not rape. There are many ways for a sexual experience to be traumatic without it being rape, certainly. Unfortunately, using the word rape in this context only dilutes its meaning and diminishes society’s interest in getting justice for actual rape victims.
Phylogeny, taxonomy is soooo 1859.
@ Chicago girl: right on!
@133 Hold on….. let’s not give the guy a complete pass here. If a guy knows the girl is not comfortable having sex but who for some reason cannot or does not firmly say “no,” but he pushes and pushes anyway, he’s being at the very least an asshole. It may not be rape, but it’s definitely crossing a line.
@barskin (117)
Nope, I wouldn’t. I already said I’m actually too lazy to spend my energy doing it.
And most of people who ask is trying to argue about homosexuality being “immoral”, from a religious or ultraconservative way. And, as I always say, and as @132 points out, I don’t like to waste my time “evangelizando indígenas” (evangelizing Indians, something some people say in Chile about the fact of trying to convince irrational people to act rationally).
Fuck Glenn Beck in the ass with no lube!
Fuck Glenn Beck BAREBACK in the ass and face at the same time. Use Crisco for lube. Brand his ass with a branding iron that says ‘I SUCK DONKEY ASS!’ Write ‘I AM RETARDED’ with a Sharpie on his forehead….
Then throw the Bitch into the ocean.
That’s nice, except for the part where you voluntarily remain a member of an organization whose leaders and dogma are adamantly opposed to gay rights.
If you never, ever, ever put money in the collection plate and have bumper stickers on your car supporting gay rights, then you have credibility.
Poor Suffer girl! Yikes! If you want an all-natural lube then there are three things I know of: coconut oil (my favorite and the only one I’ve tried!), olive oil…and then some people use egg whites shot in the vagina with a syringe. (Sounds gross to me…but so would painful sex!) There are also women’s-specific physical therapists who can help you increase your vaginal width and length if needed. I went to one for a while and it was very helpful! Good luck! Coming from someone who has been in a VERY painful sex situation…there are things you can do and it doesn’t have to be this way.
Hi Dan: Tried to email you this link, but don’t think you received it. My son’s high school just elected a transgender student as the homecoming king. The school’s administration has been very supportive too. http://www.culvercitynews.org/latest-new…
As far as Gay Rights and Gay Marriage is concerned.
It shouldn’t matter if a person is “born-that-way” or a choice.
So what if some chooses a sam-sex-relationship.
The NALT Christians need to leave little notes in the collection plate, every Sunday, stating that this week’s tithing went–again–to an organization fighting for same-sex-marriage rights.
As others noted above, if you’re giving money to an organization with objectives you don’t share, you’re supporting those objectives.
“It shouldn’t matter if a person is “born-that-way” or a choice.”
Every religion is a choice. If it’s right to discriminate against gays because “it’s a choice,” then it’s right to discriminate against Catholics or Moslems or Jews for the same reason.
@146:
That’s not really fair. Some choices are actively socially harmful, like choosing to practice and promote a religion based on falsehoods. Others aren’t, like entering into a same-sex relationship.
(Even if you don’t think being religious is socially harmful, the point still stands: I have no problem discriminating based on people’s harmful choices. Having consensual gay sex isn’t harmful, but there are other choices that are.)
“Does Size Matter?”
How big is too big when it comes to a dick?
Is it all about girth? Can a cock be too thick?
Is it length of the shaft that enhances sensation,
Increasing one’s pleasure with deep penetration?
Oh, big ones are scenic and show well online
But for practical matters six inches is fine.
And anything larger than comfort allows
Can rupture a membrane it casually plows.
And I think turgidity counts for a lot
Determining hot from what surely is not
For a large one that’s limp may not ever excite me
Though smaller but hard ones can often all night me.
It’s also the manner that dick is deployed
Affecting the way an engorgement’s enjoyed;
If the man that’s behind it is enthusiastic
He’ll probably make an orgasm fantastic.
Now I haven’t a clue if the way that I dangle
Will hit the right spot and at just the right angle
To give you the willies and cause you to moan,
(two beat pause)
But I do what I can with the one that I own.
JPK 7/18/2009
“Does Size Matter?”
How big is too big when it comes to a dick?
Is it all about girth? Can a cock be too thick?
Is it length of the shaft that enhances sensation,
Increasing one’s pleasure with deep penetration?
Oh, big ones are scenic and show well online
But for practical matters six inches is fine.
And anything larger than comfort allows
Can rupture a membrane it casually plows.
And I think turgidity counts for a lot
Determining hot from what surely is not
For a large one that’s limp may not ever excite me
Though smaller but hard ones can often all night me.
It’s also the manner that dick is deployed
Affecting the way an engorgement’s enjoyed;
If the man that’s behind it is enthusiastic
He’ll probably make an orgasm fantastic.
Now I haven’t a clue if the way that I dangle
Will hit the right spot and at just the right angle
To give you the willies and cause you to moan,
(two beat pause)
But I do what I can with the one that I own.
JPK 7/18/2009
@84 thank you. As a childed female, I will confess that having children merely indicates that I fucked up on the birth control 3 times.
However, as a woman who has given birth 3 times, I also have a good understanding of the miraculous stretchyness of the vagina (fisting comes to mind as well). So I have a hard time comprehending the ‘too big’ when it comes to SOP cock in pussy fucking. Protracted foreplay is a good suggestion–I think that all foreplay should be protracted. Maybe Mr. Very Well Hung, Can I Please Have His Phone Number? could benefit from a nice mature lady to show him how the girl parts work. But if we’re talking about butt fucking, well that should never be done without copious amounts of lube–no ‘lady juices’ in the ass. Y’all need to stop buying your lube at Target–go someplace good that knows sex and sex accessories.
regarding the santorum issue, i think gay or hetero sex should always involve some basic hygiene, and douching for men or women engaging in anal sex is basic. it takes 10-15 minutes top and prevents any embarrassment or general ickiness. then again, there are times when you know what’s up (you), and no douching is required, but either way, be a good lover and make it a mess-free exchange.
regarding the santorum issue, i think gay or hetero sex should always involve some basic hygiene, and douching for men or women engaging in anal sex is basic. it takes 10-15 minutes top and prevents any embarrassment or general ickiness. then again, there are times when you know what’s up (you), and no douching is required, but either way, be a good lover and make it a mess-free exchange.
Medical advice to the woman with the size issue:
1. Vaginal dilators (though they sound archaic) are an option. I’ve recommended them to patients who have size-incompatibility that has led to condom breakage (which can be a problem due to excessive friction when the penis is too wide for the vagina). The vagina is very stretchable (a baby’s head is wider than any penis you’re ever going to encounter).
2. Don’t follow some of the above advice that involves searching around for materials to use as lube that aren’t marketed as such without doing some research. Anything oil-based can eat away at the condom. If in doubt, ask a doctor before using anything as lube that isn’t marketed as lube. I know it sounds embarrassing to ask, but I promise your doctor has heard worse.
3. If the issue is length, then just use different positions. Easy fix.
Yes, it would be unkind to actually kill Glen Beck even if you had the opportunity.
Although if he were on fire I might commit a sin of omission by not pissing on him.
I don’t like you’re characterizing ‘NALTs’ as “letting” the religion get hijacked – that happened at least 1,000 years ago – and it makes as much sense as blaming 9/11 the peace-loving muslims who “let” bin Laden, the Ayatollah’s, etc. hijack their religion. If you think that NALTs are to blame for not speaking up, I hope you’re against the “Ground Zero Mosque”, or hell, against gay marriage; because you know SOME gay folk are ridiculously promiscuous. I hope their not all like that!
I love it
@33 – i used to hit my ex’s cervix. she said she loved it when i did…
To 145, and everyone else chastising NALT Christians who happen to belong to non-NALT churches/denominations for contributing financially to a church that doesn’t support gay rights…
um… unless you’re talking about something like Fred Phelps’s nutjobs, objecting to homosexuality is far, far, far from all any given church does. Should someone refuse to support their church’s many good works because of one deeply flawed policy?
A lot of churches do a lot of good things, that any sane person would agree help the community at large, and it’s kind of senseless to punish an organization that you agree 95% with (or whatever) because of that 5%, however important it may be to someone else…
(Kind of how I feel about single-issue voting, too; if I agree with basically everything else a politician stands for, I’ll usually vote for someone who I deeply disagree with on one issue over an opponent who I disagree with on every issue but that.)
Though I have absolutely no problem with taking, say, 5% of the tithe you would otherwise have given, giving it to Wingspan or whatever, and leaving a note to that effect in the collection basket… or, of course, finding a church that you agree with on this issue too (though single-issue church selection is a lot like single-issue voting…)
And I hope you aren’t the kind of person who thinks that “Gay rights aren’t the most important issue in the world to you”=”You don’t care about the rights of homosexuals”=”You are an evil person with no redeeming qualities”. I fully support gay rights, but I know, for me, there are other issues that I care a lot more about–universal access to education, vaccinating poor children, making sure that women don’t die from childbirth complications that any halfway competent midwife could take care of…
Oh for God’s sake, fetish (155), the “Ground Zero Mosque” isn’t. Park51 is neither a mosque (it’s a multifaith community center with swimming pool, theater space, food court, etc, in addition to a prayer space) nor at Ground Zero (it’s several blocks away, in an urban neighborhood of pizza places and strip joints). It is a non-Ground Zero non-Mosque. Please stop listening to muck-raking conservative bloggers who live nowhere near Manhattan (the majority of people who actually live in New York are fine with the planned community center) and really have nothing to do with this except wanting to make a stink.
Oh, wait, sorry– that was sarcasm. I wasn’t reading you closely enough. My apologies, fetish (155)!
@remny 36
Learn a little anatomy before you hurt someone.
There is no “second sphincter”.
@162
No, there are indeed 2 anal sphincters. The inner one is involuntary, so giving it a little extra attention before inserting a ginormous cock is an excellent idea.
Dan, the MAN, you absolutely ROCK!!!!!
Once again, I just LOVE your column!!!
Here’s hoping that you one day fatally poison Glenn Beck’s lethal innards before he causes too much damage.
Give him a SANTORUM!
Why all the hatred against Glenn Beck here? Are y’all aware he is a Libertarian not a Conservative, favors legalization and does not oppose same sex marriage.
Do you think it makes you seem cool to trash people who don’t think like you? Just wait until you get kicked out of your parents house and are forced to find a job. Reading this board convinces me that everybody hates everybody else who is not like them. Get over it already.
Now back to inner and outer anal sphincters. Just for balance, let me suggest that describes Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid which would make Obama…
To all the other readers who hate people who aren’t “straight”: Gay, transgendered, intersex people are a reality. Accept it, get used to it and don’t hassle them. You did not create them, therefore you don’t own them. They’re undeniably part of the cosmos just like you are and generally (as most “straight” people) don’t cause any harm.
Let me illustrate the above point: Two people engaging in mutually consenting sex acts between each other, are (generally) causing no harm. On the other hand; someone engaging in a bout of “Gay”/”Poofter” bashing, are undeniably causing harm.
Take care all and be nice to each other.
“…you know, all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce, and remarry, and then turn around and oppose same-sex marriage because it “goes against their religion.”
It goes against the Bible, not a specific religion. Those folks are what we call hypocrites, not Christians. I am a Christian, so please don’t lump me in with these kinds of judgmental folks. What they (the so called Christians) do is against what the Bible says, as well as same-sex marriage is against what the Bible says.
@163, thanks for the tip re the second anal sphincter… led me to this interesting discussion:
>>> The outer sphincter is a voluntary muscle, so it can be relaxed at will with some practice. The second sphincter muscle (an inch and a half inside) is just the opposite – it is an involuntary muscle like your heart, so unless the person who owns this second sphincter knows Kung Fu Martial Art Mind Control Techniques, you’ll just have to wait for it to relax.
>>> If the second sphincter is not relaxed, forcing entry will bruise the muscles holding it closed. This will hurt the owner of said second sphincter muscles … like, a lot! The only solution is to take things slow – very slow – waiting for the second sphincter muscle to finally relax of its own accord, that is, by itself. This can take up to twenty minutes for a beginner. Rush this step, and you may turn-off the person involved to ever trying anal sex again. >>>
The more times I read things like this, the stronger my backbone gets in insisting that guys who want entry put in at least 10-20 minutes of anal foreplay…
God? That’d be great!
Unlikely though that God is involved in human affairs other than as an observer. Much more likely that human affairs serve God by ultimately determining whether intelligence and free-will are a stable creation.
Religion? Efforts by humans to contemplate God. Pretty much a good-intentioned effort doomed to fail, until/unless there’s only 1.
Nature? God’s hand at work? God knows, not me.
At most, maybe. But nature isn’t ‘nice’ and while usually neutral isn’t friendly.
@168: Yes, definitely insist on this! Good to know.
As far as “Kung Fu Martial Art Mind Control Techniques” go, if you use your finger and feel the contractions, you can learn to relax the inner sphincter by noticing how it feels when it contracts and relaxes. Like biofeedback.
@148 Love it! Put that to music, and you’ve got the beginning of a broadway musical I’d see in a second.
I wonder what kind of answer he was expecting about No Shave November.
@165: Ummmmmm…..I’ve been living on my own for a bunch of years, now; a college educated U.S. veteran with a job, and not opposed to same-sex marriages, so you can’t really mean me. And one reason why I don’t pay serious attention to Glenn Beck is that he’s heavily endorsed on FOX TV, right along with Bimbo Barbie, Sarah Palin.
The only hatred I express is for income inequality, corporate-mismanaged 3rd world
war-mongering for profit, and the dumbing of America.
What exactly are you a Professor of?
“You forgot…two men raising a child is a selfish act by conceited entitlement minded individuals. For your vanity, you are HAPPY to experiment on a human…just to see IF raising a balanced human is possible. I do not hate gays, but I see them for what they are…self centered egotistical extroverted chip-on-the-shoulder little hitlers.”
#87. Oh, Osage, Osage, Osage. As a child of gay parents I am surprised to hear that I am so scarred. Why, I was under the impression that I was a socially functional human being. Thank you for alerting me to this issue.
Now that queer (is that OK, or as a non-activist should I say gay?) activists are seeking marriage equality and judges have repeatedly opined that marriage has nothing to with procreation or offspring, what is the rationale for joint tax returns?
IOW, why should gov’t. fund the pursuit of happiness in adddition to providing for it. Early on, happiness trumped property as the quality worthy of Declaration.
Many more gay people are unmarried than married and IMHO that’s unlikely to change when gay people become universally eligible for marriage. (The straight proportion right now is approx. 50%.) How does gov,t. discrimination against unmarried people provide equality for gay people?
Minor children are incapable of providing for their own welfare, and gov’t. has a legitmate duty to ensure at least minimal support.
So why shouldn’t all people raising minor children, single or coupled, gay or straight, be eligible for a (means tested?) tax break and everyone else, single or married, get taxed equally?
Savage Suck
—for Dan Savage
“Suck my dick?” Well, I’ve sucked a lot of dick in my lifetime—and I must say I agree with Senator McSame. I’d prefer separate showers—for my fun & games. It would be a great blow—to morale & cohesiveness if everybody knew. How good my blowjobs were—after all, honey, they caused the Fall of Rome. As for the Christians, well—throw them to the lions, my dear. They’re all tainted meat—as far as I’m concerned.
@86 I know I’m way late to respond to you, but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing! I’m up in D/FW, so Houston is pretty far away from me, but that sounds like an awesome church!
@44 – I’m an Episcopal by birth and rearing (also a naturalist/atheist by rearing), and although I’ve let go of ideas of super-natural entities like Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy and the god-man, it’s the folks in my former church like your mother who make me want to go sign back up.
If conventional lubes are not an option, I recommend a polyurethane condom and some olive oil. That stuff is like magic for my vagina.
If you need something thicker, try an oil that is solid at room temperature, such as palm oil, cocoa butter, or shea butter.
What’s the best song to have sex to?
“Mars, the Bringer of War” by Holst. It’s pretty intimidating but for raw aggressive sex between two men, it’s damn exciting.
Yo, poster whose partner is too big! 1) Get help picking out a lube that doesn’t cause you problems. 2) Go see a doctor. There are a few conditions that can cause the problem you’re having. I have one of them, vaginismus, a super not-fun condition that makes penetrative sex incredibly painful…a doctor can refer you to a physical therapist and/or mental health professional who can help you with this. I am not sure if insurance could cover dilators, but those are good, too.
Re: Santorum prevention.
You could have been a bit more informative about the ‘prevention’.
Best way to keep your man pussy fresh and sparkling clean? Go to any Home Depot, Walmart, etc. and buy a shower hose. Install it and take off the shower head, get the water running nice and warm, press the end to your nether lips and fill up. Waddle to the toilet (has the added benefit of toning up your sphincter) or remove the shower grate and empty. Repeat until what comes out is no different that what went in. Wait a few minutes and check to make sure everything has drained out, and you’re good to go. Works like a charm unless you’ve got tummy trouble (and you wouldn’t want to be doing this then anyway without a drop sheet).
NALTs are out there supporting gays to a medium extent. It just needs to be in a larger amount. When Kansas minister Fred Phelps’ picketed funerals of AIDs sufferers (he picketed AIDs deaths before military deaths) I saw Episcopalian groups counterprotesting. The Methodist church in Michigan was very non judgemental and inclusive about gays and lesbians. And actually the UCC is also inclusive and welcoming. It just needs to be more NALTs. And it needs to come from the Catholic and Orthodox churches too. Believe me, Fred Phelps is scary, NALTS just need the backbone to fight homophobia.
yoddle-ayeee yoddle-ayeee yoddle-ay-hee-hoo!
I agree w/ #75. Judaism and Islam are just as Homophobic as Christians.
Did you just call Terry fat? Haha, ouch
Good advice though.
Oh, and I think the NALT Christians are called “apologists”