I spoke at Pacific University in Forest Grove, Oregon, last Thursday night. PU students submitted a lot more questions than I could possibly answer in the 90 minutes we had together, so I’m going to use this week’s column to answer some of the ones I didn’t get to. Here we go:
What is the biggest barrier to the acceptance of gay marriage in the U.S.?
There are two big barriers.
First: all those loud, aggressive, and hypocritical right-wing “Christian” shitsticks who oppose marriage equality because of some supposedly anti-gay bullshit they read in the Bible while ignoring everything in the very same Bible that limits their own sexual freedoms—you know, all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce, and remarry, and then turn around and oppose same-sex marriage because it “goes against their religion.”
Second: all those quiet, timid, and cowardly NALT Christians out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative coreligionists to hijack Christianity. (“NALT” stands for “not all like that,” the phrase you hear from liberal Christians whenever you bitch about conservative Christians, i.e., “We’re not all like that!” Yes, yes, NALTs—we know. You’re not all like that. Don’t tell us. Tell Tony Perkins, tell the pope, tell Maggie Gallagher.)
Do you have advice about a breakup?
Thinking about breaking up with someone? Don’t draw it out—nothing is worse than the humiliating realization, some days after you’ve been dumped, that the person who dumped you wanted out of the relationship weeks or months earlier.
Just been broken up with? Cry, eat, delete (phone numbers, e-mail, texts, sexts), defriend, hit the gym, hit on someone else.
If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
I’m an animal already—I’m a primate, like you. If I had to be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband’s gut or a particularly lethal bacteria that had just been inhaled by Glenn Beck.
What is your opinion of straight women participating in No Shave November?
I know nothing about No Shave November—but I’m an American, and we don’t let ignorance stop us from forming opinions. So I wholeheartedly endorse No Shave November, its mission, and women’s participation in it.
I’m the “other woman” to a man 14 years my senior. I left home for school, and he stopped contacting me—this after 1.5 years and visions of a future together. Did I get played?
Yup.
What is your response to people who say that being gay is a choice?
“You think being gay is a choice? Then choose it: Suck my dick. Show me how it’s done. You choose it—suck my dick—and I’ll videotape it, and then we’ll put the proof that being gay is a choice on the internet for the whole world to see. Deal?”
Do cooling and warming lubes burn for everyone? Or is there something wrong with me? Why are they advertised as being so awesome?
I’m not sure why they’re suddenly marketing hot-and-cool lubes to breeders so aggressively. But straight folks should know that gay people were using these lubes 40 years ago. They were called “hot lubes” back then, and gay people quickly realized that there wasn’t anything interesting or sexy or awesome about a burning hole.
What’s the most effective method for getting santorum out of the sheets?
An ounce of prevention—or the careful placement of a towel—is worth a pound of Spray ‘n Wash Stain Stick.
I had a traumatic experience my freshman year that scarred me to the point that I did not want my boyfriend to be even a little dominant. Three years later I am ready to take on a sub role. How do I get my boyfriend to accept a submissive me?
Thank the boyfriend for being the not-even-a-little-dom partner you needed while you healed. Then tell him that, thanks to him, you’re secure enough to start mixing it up. Then offer him your erotic submission—in whatever form it takes/turns you on—without asking him to play an overtly dominant role. When he sees that you’re not going to shatter, he can grow into a more overtly dominant role.
What should I do if it is too BIG to get in without hurting? Lube is not an option!
If it hurts going in and lube is not an option, then I have a one-word answer for you. And it’s not what you should do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn’t an option for some mysterious reason, but what you’re gonna do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn’t an option for some mysterious reason: suffer.
Is college really the best place to meet the love of your life?
Lots of people meet the loves of their lives at college. But you won’t know if you’re one of those people until you’re out of college. Hook up with hope.
How important do you think sexual chemistry/compatibility is in a long-term relationship?
Sexual chemistry/compatibility is only as important as sexual exclusivity/satisfaction is. And for the record: Companionate marriage—the union of two individuals who love each other but don’t fuck (or don’t fuck each other)—can be wonderful.
Do you think polyamory is possible or healthy?
Polyamorous relationships are possible—I know for a fact that they’re possible—but they’re only as healthy as the folks who are in them. The same goes for monogamous relationships.
What’s the best song to have sex to?
“The Lonely Goatherd” from The Sound of Music. If you don’t have The Sound of Music—shameful!—then “If Momma Was Married” from Gypsy.
Thanks to Kayla, Chris, Lisa, Nancy, and everyone else at Pacific University who brought me in!
I love it
@33 – i used to hit my ex’s cervix. she said she loved it when i did…
To 145, and everyone else chastising NALT Christians who happen to belong to non-NALT churches/denominations for contributing financially to a church that doesn’t support gay rights…
um… unless you’re talking about something like Fred Phelps’s nutjobs, objecting to homosexuality is far, far, far from all any given church does. Should someone refuse to support their church’s many good works because of one deeply flawed policy?
A lot of churches do a lot of good things, that any sane person would agree help the community at large, and it’s kind of senseless to punish an organization that you agree 95% with (or whatever) because of that 5%, however important it may be to someone else…
(Kind of how I feel about single-issue voting, too; if I agree with basically everything else a politician stands for, I’ll usually vote for someone who I deeply disagree with on one issue over an opponent who I disagree with on every issue but that.)
Though I have absolutely no problem with taking, say, 5% of the tithe you would otherwise have given, giving it to Wingspan or whatever, and leaving a note to that effect in the collection basket… or, of course, finding a church that you agree with on this issue too (though single-issue church selection is a lot like single-issue voting…)
And I hope you aren’t the kind of person who thinks that “Gay rights aren’t the most important issue in the world to you”=”You don’t care about the rights of homosexuals”=”You are an evil person with no redeeming qualities”. I fully support gay rights, but I know, for me, there are other issues that I care a lot more about–universal access to education, vaccinating poor children, making sure that women don’t die from childbirth complications that any halfway competent midwife could take care of…
Oh for God’s sake, fetish (155), the “Ground Zero Mosque” isn’t. Park51 is neither a mosque (it’s a multifaith community center with swimming pool, theater space, food court, etc, in addition to a prayer space) nor at Ground Zero (it’s several blocks away, in an urban neighborhood of pizza places and strip joints). It is a non-Ground Zero non-Mosque. Please stop listening to muck-raking conservative bloggers who live nowhere near Manhattan (the majority of people who actually live in New York are fine with the planned community center) and really have nothing to do with this except wanting to make a stink.
Oh, wait, sorry– that was sarcasm. I wasn’t reading you closely enough. My apologies, fetish (155)!
@remny 36
Learn a little anatomy before you hurt someone.
There is no “second sphincter”.
@162
No, there are indeed 2 anal sphincters. The inner one is involuntary, so giving it a little extra attention before inserting a ginormous cock is an excellent idea.
Dan, the MAN, you absolutely ROCK!!!!!
Once again, I just LOVE your column!!!
Here’s hoping that you one day fatally poison Glenn Beck’s lethal innards before he causes too much damage.
Give him a SANTORUM!
Why all the hatred against Glenn Beck here? Are y’all aware he is a Libertarian not a Conservative, favors legalization and does not oppose same sex marriage.
Do you think it makes you seem cool to trash people who don’t think like you? Just wait until you get kicked out of your parents house and are forced to find a job. Reading this board convinces me that everybody hates everybody else who is not like them. Get over it already.
Now back to inner and outer anal sphincters. Just for balance, let me suggest that describes Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid which would make Obama…
To all the other readers who hate people who aren’t “straight”: Gay, transgendered, intersex people are a reality. Accept it, get used to it and don’t hassle them. You did not create them, therefore you don’t own them. They’re undeniably part of the cosmos just like you are and generally (as most “straight” people) don’t cause any harm.
Let me illustrate the above point: Two people engaging in mutually consenting sex acts between each other, are (generally) causing no harm. On the other hand; someone engaging in a bout of “Gay”/”Poofter” bashing, are undeniably causing harm.
Take care all and be nice to each other.
“…you know, all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce, and remarry, and then turn around and oppose same-sex marriage because it “goes against their religion.”
It goes against the Bible, not a specific religion. Those folks are what we call hypocrites, not Christians. I am a Christian, so please don’t lump me in with these kinds of judgmental folks. What they (the so called Christians) do is against what the Bible says, as well as same-sex marriage is against what the Bible says.
@163, thanks for the tip re the second anal sphincter… led me to this interesting discussion:
>>> The outer sphincter is a voluntary muscle, so it can be relaxed at will with some practice. The second sphincter muscle (an inch and a half inside) is just the opposite – it is an involuntary muscle like your heart, so unless the person who owns this second sphincter knows Kung Fu Martial Art Mind Control Techniques, you’ll just have to wait for it to relax.
>>> If the second sphincter is not relaxed, forcing entry will bruise the muscles holding it closed. This will hurt the owner of said second sphincter muscles … like, a lot! The only solution is to take things slow – very slow – waiting for the second sphincter muscle to finally relax of its own accord, that is, by itself. This can take up to twenty minutes for a beginner. Rush this step, and you may turn-off the person involved to ever trying anal sex again. >>>
The more times I read things like this, the stronger my backbone gets in insisting that guys who want entry put in at least 10-20 minutes of anal foreplay…
God? That’d be great!
Unlikely though that God is involved in human affairs other than as an observer. Much more likely that human affairs serve God by ultimately determining whether intelligence and free-will are a stable creation.
Religion? Efforts by humans to contemplate God. Pretty much a good-intentioned effort doomed to fail, until/unless there’s only 1.
Nature? God’s hand at work? God knows, not me.
At most, maybe. But nature isn’t ‘nice’ and while usually neutral isn’t friendly.
@168: Yes, definitely insist on this! Good to know.
As far as “Kung Fu Martial Art Mind Control Techniques” go, if you use your finger and feel the contractions, you can learn to relax the inner sphincter by noticing how it feels when it contracts and relaxes. Like biofeedback.
@148 Love it! Put that to music, and you’ve got the beginning of a broadway musical I’d see in a second.
I wonder what kind of answer he was expecting about No Shave November.
@165: Ummmmmm…..I’ve been living on my own for a bunch of years, now; a college educated U.S. veteran with a job, and not opposed to same-sex marriages, so you can’t really mean me. And one reason why I don’t pay serious attention to Glenn Beck is that he’s heavily endorsed on FOX TV, right along with Bimbo Barbie, Sarah Palin.
The only hatred I express is for income inequality, corporate-mismanaged 3rd world
war-mongering for profit, and the dumbing of America.
What exactly are you a Professor of?
“You forgot…two men raising a child is a selfish act by conceited entitlement minded individuals. For your vanity, you are HAPPY to experiment on a human…just to see IF raising a balanced human is possible. I do not hate gays, but I see them for what they are…self centered egotistical extroverted chip-on-the-shoulder little hitlers.”
#87. Oh, Osage, Osage, Osage. As a child of gay parents I am surprised to hear that I am so scarred. Why, I was under the impression that I was a socially functional human being. Thank you for alerting me to this issue.
Now that queer (is that OK, or as a non-activist should I say gay?) activists are seeking marriage equality and judges have repeatedly opined that marriage has nothing to with procreation or offspring, what is the rationale for joint tax returns?
IOW, why should gov’t. fund the pursuit of happiness in adddition to providing for it. Early on, happiness trumped property as the quality worthy of Declaration.
Many more gay people are unmarried than married and IMHO that’s unlikely to change when gay people become universally eligible for marriage. (The straight proportion right now is approx. 50%.) How does gov,t. discrimination against unmarried people provide equality for gay people?
Minor children are incapable of providing for their own welfare, and gov’t. has a legitmate duty to ensure at least minimal support.
So why shouldn’t all people raising minor children, single or coupled, gay or straight, be eligible for a (means tested?) tax break and everyone else, single or married, get taxed equally?
Savage Suck
—for Dan Savage
“Suck my dick?” Well, I’ve sucked a lot of dick in my lifetime—and I must say I agree with Senator McSame. I’d prefer separate showers—for my fun & games. It would be a great blow—to morale & cohesiveness if everybody knew. How good my blowjobs were—after all, honey, they caused the Fall of Rome. As for the Christians, well—throw them to the lions, my dear. They’re all tainted meat—as far as I’m concerned.
@86 I know I’m way late to respond to you, but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing! I’m up in D/FW, so Houston is pretty far away from me, but that sounds like an awesome church!
@44 – I’m an Episcopal by birth and rearing (also a naturalist/atheist by rearing), and although I’ve let go of ideas of super-natural entities like Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy and the god-man, it’s the folks in my former church like your mother who make me want to go sign back up.
If conventional lubes are not an option, I recommend a polyurethane condom and some olive oil. That stuff is like magic for my vagina.
If you need something thicker, try an oil that is solid at room temperature, such as palm oil, cocoa butter, or shea butter.
What’s the best song to have sex to?
“Mars, the Bringer of War” by Holst. It’s pretty intimidating but for raw aggressive sex between two men, it’s damn exciting.
Yo, poster whose partner is too big! 1) Get help picking out a lube that doesn’t cause you problems. 2) Go see a doctor. There are a few conditions that can cause the problem you’re having. I have one of them, vaginismus, a super not-fun condition that makes penetrative sex incredibly painful…a doctor can refer you to a physical therapist and/or mental health professional who can help you with this. I am not sure if insurance could cover dilators, but those are good, too.
Re: Santorum prevention.
You could have been a bit more informative about the ‘prevention’.
Best way to keep your man pussy fresh and sparkling clean? Go to any Home Depot, Walmart, etc. and buy a shower hose. Install it and take off the shower head, get the water running nice and warm, press the end to your nether lips and fill up. Waddle to the toilet (has the added benefit of toning up your sphincter) or remove the shower grate and empty. Repeat until what comes out is no different that what went in. Wait a few minutes and check to make sure everything has drained out, and you’re good to go. Works like a charm unless you’ve got tummy trouble (and you wouldn’t want to be doing this then anyway without a drop sheet).
NALTs are out there supporting gays to a medium extent. It just needs to be in a larger amount. When Kansas minister Fred Phelps’ picketed funerals of AIDs sufferers (he picketed AIDs deaths before military deaths) I saw Episcopalian groups counterprotesting. The Methodist church in Michigan was very non judgemental and inclusive about gays and lesbians. And actually the UCC is also inclusive and welcoming. It just needs to be more NALTs. And it needs to come from the Catholic and Orthodox churches too. Believe me, Fred Phelps is scary, NALTS just need the backbone to fight homophobia.
yoddle-ayeee yoddle-ayeee yoddle-ay-hee-hoo!
I agree w/ #75. Judaism and Islam are just as Homophobic as Christians.
Did you just call Terry fat? Haha, ouch
Good advice though.
Oh, and I think the NALT Christians are called “apologists”