I spoke at Pacific University in Forest Grove, Oregon, last Thursday night. PU students submitted a lot more questions than I could possibly answer in the 90 minutes we had together, so I’m going to use this week’s column to answer some of the ones I didn’t get to. Here we go:
What is the biggest barrier to the acceptance of gay marriage in the U.S.?
There are two big barriers.
First: all those loud, aggressive, and hypocritical right-wing “Christian” shitsticks who oppose marriage equality because of some supposedly anti-gay bullshit they read in the Bible while ignoring everything in the very same Bible that limits their own sexual freedoms—you know, all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce, and remarry, and then turn around and oppose same-sex marriage because it “goes against their religion.”
Second: all those quiet, timid, and cowardly NALT Christians out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative coreligionists to hijack Christianity. (“NALT” stands for “not all like that,” the phrase you hear from liberal Christians whenever you bitch about conservative Christians, i.e., “We’re not all like that!” Yes, yes, NALTs—we know. You’re not all like that. Don’t tell us. Tell Tony Perkins, tell the pope, tell Maggie Gallagher.)
Do you have advice about a breakup?
Thinking about breaking up with someone? Don’t draw it out—nothing is worse than the humiliating realization, some days after you’ve been dumped, that the person who dumped you wanted out of the relationship weeks or months earlier.
Just been broken up with? Cry, eat, delete (phone numbers, e-mail, texts, sexts), defriend, hit the gym, hit on someone else.
If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
I’m an animal already—I’m a primate, like you. If I had to be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband’s gut or a particularly lethal bacteria that had just been inhaled by Glenn Beck.
What is your opinion of straight women participating in No Shave November?
I know nothing about No Shave November—but I’m an American, and we don’t let ignorance stop us from forming opinions. So I wholeheartedly endorse No Shave November, its mission, and women’s participation in it.
I’m the “other woman” to a man 14 years my senior. I left home for school, and he stopped contacting me—this after 1.5 years and visions of a future together. Did I get played?
Yup.
What is your response to people who say that being gay is a choice?
“You think being gay is a choice? Then choose it: Suck my dick. Show me how it’s done. You choose it—suck my dick—and I’ll videotape it, and then we’ll put the proof that being gay is a choice on the internet for the whole world to see. Deal?”
Do cooling and warming lubes burn for everyone? Or is there something wrong with me? Why are they advertised as being so awesome?
I’m not sure why they’re suddenly marketing hot-and-cool lubes to breeders so aggressively. But straight folks should know that gay people were using these lubes 40 years ago. They were called “hot lubes” back then, and gay people quickly realized that there wasn’t anything interesting or sexy or awesome about a burning hole.
What’s the most effective method for getting santorum out of the sheets?
An ounce of prevention—or the careful placement of a towel—is worth a pound of Spray ‘n Wash Stain Stick.
I had a traumatic experience my freshman year that scarred me to the point that I did not want my boyfriend to be even a little dominant. Three years later I am ready to take on a sub role. How do I get my boyfriend to accept a submissive me?
Thank the boyfriend for being the not-even-a-little-dom partner you needed while you healed. Then tell him that, thanks to him, you’re secure enough to start mixing it up. Then offer him your erotic submission—in whatever form it takes/turns you on—without asking him to play an overtly dominant role. When he sees that you’re not going to shatter, he can grow into a more overtly dominant role.
What should I do if it is too BIG to get in without hurting? Lube is not an option!
If it hurts going in and lube is not an option, then I have a one-word answer for you. And it’s not what you should do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn’t an option for some mysterious reason, but what you’re gonna do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn’t an option for some mysterious reason: suffer.
Is college really the best place to meet the love of your life?
Lots of people meet the loves of their lives at college. But you won’t know if you’re one of those people until you’re out of college. Hook up with hope.
How important do you think sexual chemistry/compatibility is in a long-term relationship?
Sexual chemistry/compatibility is only as important as sexual exclusivity/satisfaction is. And for the record: Companionate marriage—the union of two individuals who love each other but don’t fuck (or don’t fuck each other)—can be wonderful.
Do you think polyamory is possible or healthy?
Polyamorous relationships are possible—I know for a fact that they’re possible—but they’re only as healthy as the folks who are in them. The same goes for monogamous relationships.
What’s the best song to have sex to?
“The Lonely Goatherd” from The Sound of Music. If you don’t have The Sound of Music—shameful!—then “If Momma Was Married” from Gypsy.
Thanks to Kayla, Chris, Lisa, Nancy, and everyone else at Pacific University who brought me in!
Liberal Christians ALLOWED fundamentalists to “hijack” Christianity? Moderate Muslims allowed insane fundamentalists to “hijack” Islam, I suppose? What the hell are we supposed to do about it? I mean that as an honest question; how do you imagine that liberal Christians have any more influence over fundamentalist Christians than you do? Christianity is not like a parliamentary body that debates and votes on what our message to the world is. I’m completely baffled by your supposition that liberal Christians have some magic power over the right-wing religious assholes that we are just too meek and passive to exert. Dan, you’re seriously an insensitive asshole for your attitude toward liberal Christians who do work to preach the message that our faith is compatible with and supportive of homosexual people and homosexuality. Telling us that we’re 50% of the problem when we’re actively working to help is just asinine, hateful and ignorant.
Dan, are you or Terry the yodeler?
LOL you are too funny!
Once again, Dan lets his liberal/atheist politics use the anti-gay canard to tarnish anyone who is a Christian or conservative.
For the record, Glenn Beck leans libertarian and I believe he actually supports gay marriage. Which means the only reason you chose to insult him is that you don’t like the fact that he is a Christian and conservative.
“I’m a straight male roman catholic who is out spoken whenever I get a chance about my whole hearted support for gay marriage whenever it comes up, and I work in construction in NYC so dont think that hasnt raised a few eyebrows or caused some speculation among my peers.
So why dont you suck MY dick Dan?”
Are you saying that you think gay is a choice? OK, you win, but that wasn’t the challenge. If Dan won’t suck it for ya, I’m sure plenty others on here will. (I’ll think about it, but I need pix).
OMG! Thank you #84! I’m sooo sick of people who think they’re better than me because they had kids (whether they planned them or not). & usually they’ll say, “Well,people who don’t want kids shouldn’t have them; they’ll just abuse them. Umm, no; the dumbasses that abuse kids are the ONES THAT HAVE THEM.
my alma mater! awesome. wish I was still a student so I could have heard you speak. Thanks for sharing more questions.
@Gaudior (85)
I’d answer your second paragraph, but I’m too lazy, having a whole post in slog that answers for me.
http://walkingwithintegrity.blogspot.com…
Ok, I COULD agree with the question (is homosexuality a choice?) being tangential. But that doen’t make it less valid. When I gave those examples, i meant, for example, that the person Dan answered could not choose to be gay as long as his choose for homosexuality were previous and could not be undone. As for the actions, I’ll translate the answer given before: I don’t think it’s relevant, I don’t care that everyone else is talking about ACTING gay and not BEING gay because that differentiation as Bishop John Shelby Spong says, it’s a part of a self serving lie […].
I may, from your answer, see that I didn’t make myself clear, and I use to think it’s my fault and I’m sorry because English is not my mother language, but I could explain it shortly and simpler.
I’ve always HATED the argument of homosexuality not being a choice to remark that homosexuality is not right (I won’t talk about sin or not sin, because there actually are many secular homophobic assholes around everywhere). Imagine, just imagine, that it’s clear enough that homosexuality is a choice. Not homosexual acts, but the sexual orientation, BEING GAY. Would that make it wrong? I think it would not. And as I think it wouldn’t, I also think that that very used argument is weak (as homosexuality could be a choice), so the way mostly NALTs use to convince themselves and other christians (and not christians) is weak and reversible, and dangerous. Homosexuality is not a bad thing because it’s not a choice. Homosexuality is not a bad thing because its personal stuff, and it doesn’t hurt third party, and because every argument told to make believe it’s bad, is arbitrary (we are surrounded bu “unnatural things, since when naturality of things is a valid criteria to discern between good and bad things? does naturality make medicine, for example, a bad thing?) and based on a previous judgment and posterior arguments built FROM that judgment.
The whole ‘lube is not an option’ thing didn’t surprise me really. College girl living with parents who snoop or she’s weirded out by the IDEA of lube (’cause she’s still pretty young/immature) or… there are lots of reasons she could want to avoid lube (none valid, really… she’ll figure that out when she finally tries it).
How about natural lube, like lady-juices or good ol’ fashioned spit?
How to get santorum out of your sheets? Get them in the wash machine ASAP, while they are still damp, before it sets in.
Osage @ #87, let me see if I can sum your comment up:
“I don’t hate gays, but I’ll make hateful generalizations about them because many disagree with me.”
See, wasn’t that simpler?
#75 It doesn’t matter very much what Jews feel about gay marriage, and it doesn’t matter in the least how Muslims feel. They do not have the influence on American politics that Christians do. That’s why Dan blames them specifically. “Christianity seems like the major barrier, because they are the majority.” Well, uh, YEAH.
#67 Oh, yes. If someone asks you if being gay is a choice, answer him that way. I dare you.
#75 It doesn’t matter very much what Jews feel about gay marriage, and it doesn’t matter in the least how Muslims feel. They do not have the influence on American politics that Christians do. That’s why Dan blames them specifically. “Christianity seems like the major barrier, because they are the majority.” Well, uh, YEAH.
#67 Oh, yes. If someone asks you if being gay is a choice, answer him that way. I dare you.
OK, so I really, really hate lube. I hate the texture. I hate the way it feels all goopy on my hands. I hate how it’s impossible to open a condom wrapper or a bottle of lube or do anything else with my hands because they’re all slippery and gooey. I hate how afterwards it’s impossible to get rid of.
I try to use saliva or natural juices whenever possible. They don’t seem to have these problems and they don’t leave residue; they just sort of absorb.
So are there any lubes that avoid these problems?
@117: What do you mean, you dare 67 to answer that way? 67 is correct. Human sexuality is flexible and sometimes changes depending on the situation or environment.
i followed Dan’s break up advice–it was better for me, but the break-upee didn’t appreciate the clean break and would, have, I think preferred a dishonest drag out where i acted unsure and led her on for a while. she is still pissed 2 years later and I’m her only ex shes not friends with. I still think his advice is good, but not for reasons of selfless compassion. people are different adn prefer different things.
also–i followed this advice (which dan gives a lot) in part after having the humiliating revelation that dan mentions after i was last dumped.
@Why is lube not an option?, people:
She might have had some sort of allergic reaction to a lube, and doesn’t want to try another one. Yeast infections/allergic reactions due to that type of thing = not fun. And before everyone starts jumping on the use olive oil (or whatever) bandwagon, well, that would pose a problem if they’re using condoms. If this is the issue, she just needs to get over it and experiment a bit.
And, I sincerely hope that its not because her partner doesn’t think its not necessary or some BS.
@43
I guess I’m just sick of people wagging their collective fingers at christians/catholics like we have the monopoly on judgemental ignorance. I am Not Like That, or whatever, and I dont tolerate hate speech when I’m confronted by it, neither do most of the folks I go to church with.
The lube issue may be yeasty. If you get yeast infections from lube, try a glycerin-free water-based lube. I had a chronic yeast infection for over 5 years before I realized it was the glycerin (i.e. sugar) in the lubes I used. And none of the OB/GYNs that I went to ever went there… it was a Babeland educator that passed this nugget of wisdom, and my yeast infections have dramatically decreased in frequency. Babelube® is my favorite, but there are several out there (Liquid Silk, Sliquid, and I think even KY and Astroglide have glycerin-free options). You can also try silicone-based lube… it lasts forever! However, it is harder to clean, and should not be used with silicone toys.
@118, my hubs & I use J&J baby lotion. It absorbs into the skin pretty quickly, so isn’t great (or needs to be reapplied) for super long sessions. But it doesn’t create a gross mess, doesn’t have a slimy, goopy texture and even with my super sensitive, fair, Irish skin, never causes any irritation or problems.
I like Dan’s sex advice, but his political opinions I can do without. You wish death on Glenn Beck because he is annoying? That’s wrong.
The Lonely Goatherd. Ridiculous. Hilarious.
The Lonely Goatherd. Ridiculous. Hilarious.
Osage is a weenie.
@85: the argument is queered either way. If being gay is something inherent like being black or being female, then you can construct the argument that it’s no more fair to discriminate on that basis than on the other two.
If being gay IS a choice, then either the person you’re arguing with can do exactly what Dan suggests :), or he can concede that religion should not be protected from discrimination because one’s religion is a choice.
So yeah, the real issue is that there is nothing wrong with being queer (whether chosen or inherent), full stop. There are legal precedents for protecting both sorts of things. But a side effect of that is that the arguments against are sophomoric — which these types of answers so astutely point out.
(Of course the other problem is that these religious types just don’t think rationally at all — and again there’s the real crux of the issue to begin with. How to reason with the unreasonable?)
Awright I’m dizzy now, let me off!
@37, you’re a little confused about the various meanings of terms like “animal” and “fruit” in scientific vs. vernacular contexts. These words had their everyday meanings first. The specialized scientific meanings were added later. And there’s no danger of mixing them up, because it’s clear from the context whether a term is being used in its original, non-technical sense. Even though “jerk” has a special meaning in physics (as the third derivative of displacement with respect to time), it can easily determined from the rest of the sentence when that special meaning is intended. So don’t be a jerk.
Dan: If you keep being hateful and ugly, how can I tell you apart from those that you despise for their hatred and ugliness?
Christianity and most major religions is opposed to gay marriage based on the principles of the religion. It is important to stress law and not religion when talking to any religious person. What you and your religion practice is one thing, a matter of law should be separate. If society is accepting of a change in law, even if our laws were originally based on a certain shared religious doctoring, the laws need to reflect societies view of acceptance.
The problem is we can’t argue with those who think laws and their religion is one in the same. We can talk, scream, jump up and down and through hissy fits but the conservatives won’t hear us, debate us, read our arguments or listen to us. We are not the barrier, the barrier is within the conservative Christians hearts and minds. All we can do for them is pray for them. God can reach down and knock some sense into them, we can’t.
Another problem is the media loves to portray all Christians as ultraconservative radicals in order for the liberal media to keep spreading the hate against Christians. Mainstream Christians do not get air time or print space on their views. Only those horrible people that oppose it are heard from in order to keep up the portrait of those ‘horrible’ Christians alive.
On a side note: For the life of me I can’t understand Rush’s opposition. He is a very intelligent smart man who does wonderful research and analysis on the issues but he is a stubborn douche-bag about same sex marriage. He really needs to pull his head out of his ass on this one. I actually agree with many of his views on things but same sex marriage, it’s like he punted it any never bothered looking into the issue at all. Lame, way lame.
@100
grey-area rape is the kind of sex that involves more subtle coercion and can’t fairly be construed as rape.
Chandra’s experience is a common one – women are oftne too timid to (or have some reason why they can’t) say “stop” when they want to stop. The guy in question isn’t really doing anything wrong – consent was given and never withdrawn – but the the woman winds up feeling violated anyway, just without anyone to blame, other than the societ yin which she was raised, I guess?
@133
Yes, I’ve had experiences like those myself. But please, for the love of God, can we NOT use the word rape in this context? Rape denotes force, period. If a woman is legally able to consent and does so, it’s not rape. There are many ways for a sexual experience to be traumatic without it being rape, certainly. Unfortunately, using the word rape in this context only dilutes its meaning and diminishes society’s interest in getting justice for actual rape victims.
Phylogeny, taxonomy is soooo 1859.
@ Chicago girl: right on!
@133 Hold on….. let’s not give the guy a complete pass here. If a guy knows the girl is not comfortable having sex but who for some reason cannot or does not firmly say “no,” but he pushes and pushes anyway, he’s being at the very least an asshole. It may not be rape, but it’s definitely crossing a line.
@barskin (117)
Nope, I wouldn’t. I already said I’m actually too lazy to spend my energy doing it.
And most of people who ask is trying to argue about homosexuality being “immoral”, from a religious or ultraconservative way. And, as I always say, and as @132 points out, I don’t like to waste my time “evangelizando indígenas” (evangelizing Indians, something some people say in Chile about the fact of trying to convince irrational people to act rationally).
Fuck Glenn Beck in the ass with no lube!
Fuck Glenn Beck BAREBACK in the ass and face at the same time. Use Crisco for lube. Brand his ass with a branding iron that says ‘I SUCK DONKEY ASS!’ Write ‘I AM RETARDED’ with a Sharpie on his forehead….
Then throw the Bitch into the ocean.
That’s nice, except for the part where you voluntarily remain a member of an organization whose leaders and dogma are adamantly opposed to gay rights.
If you never, ever, ever put money in the collection plate and have bumper stickers on your car supporting gay rights, then you have credibility.
Poor Suffer girl! Yikes! If you want an all-natural lube then there are three things I know of: coconut oil (my favorite and the only one I’ve tried!), olive oil…and then some people use egg whites shot in the vagina with a syringe. (Sounds gross to me…but so would painful sex!) There are also women’s-specific physical therapists who can help you increase your vaginal width and length if needed. I went to one for a while and it was very helpful! Good luck! Coming from someone who has been in a VERY painful sex situation…there are things you can do and it doesn’t have to be this way.
Hi Dan: Tried to email you this link, but don’t think you received it. My son’s high school just elected a transgender student as the homecoming king. The school’s administration has been very supportive too. http://www.culvercitynews.org/latest-new…
As far as Gay Rights and Gay Marriage is concerned.
It shouldn’t matter if a person is “born-that-way” or a choice.
So what if some chooses a sam-sex-relationship.
The NALT Christians need to leave little notes in the collection plate, every Sunday, stating that this week’s tithing went–again–to an organization fighting for same-sex-marriage rights.
As others noted above, if you’re giving money to an organization with objectives you don’t share, you’re supporting those objectives.
“It shouldn’t matter if a person is “born-that-way” or a choice.”
Every religion is a choice. If it’s right to discriminate against gays because “it’s a choice,” then it’s right to discriminate against Catholics or Moslems or Jews for the same reason.
@146:
That’s not really fair. Some choices are actively socially harmful, like choosing to practice and promote a religion based on falsehoods. Others aren’t, like entering into a same-sex relationship.
(Even if you don’t think being religious is socially harmful, the point still stands: I have no problem discriminating based on people’s harmful choices. Having consensual gay sex isn’t harmful, but there are other choices that are.)
“Does Size Matter?”
How big is too big when it comes to a dick?
Is it all about girth? Can a cock be too thick?
Is it length of the shaft that enhances sensation,
Increasing one’s pleasure with deep penetration?
Oh, big ones are scenic and show well online
But for practical matters six inches is fine.
And anything larger than comfort allows
Can rupture a membrane it casually plows.
And I think turgidity counts for a lot
Determining hot from what surely is not
For a large one that’s limp may not ever excite me
Though smaller but hard ones can often all night me.
It’s also the manner that dick is deployed
Affecting the way an engorgement’s enjoyed;
If the man that’s behind it is enthusiastic
He’ll probably make an orgasm fantastic.
Now I haven’t a clue if the way that I dangle
Will hit the right spot and at just the right angle
To give you the willies and cause you to moan,
(two beat pause)
But I do what I can with the one that I own.
JPK 7/18/2009
“Does Size Matter?”
How big is too big when it comes to a dick?
Is it all about girth? Can a cock be too thick?
Is it length of the shaft that enhances sensation,
Increasing one’s pleasure with deep penetration?
Oh, big ones are scenic and show well online
But for practical matters six inches is fine.
And anything larger than comfort allows
Can rupture a membrane it casually plows.
And I think turgidity counts for a lot
Determining hot from what surely is not
For a large one that’s limp may not ever excite me
Though smaller but hard ones can often all night me.
It’s also the manner that dick is deployed
Affecting the way an engorgement’s enjoyed;
If the man that’s behind it is enthusiastic
He’ll probably make an orgasm fantastic.
Now I haven’t a clue if the way that I dangle
Will hit the right spot and at just the right angle
To give you the willies and cause you to moan,
(two beat pause)
But I do what I can with the one that I own.
JPK 7/18/2009
@84 thank you. As a childed female, I will confess that having children merely indicates that I fucked up on the birth control 3 times.
However, as a woman who has given birth 3 times, I also have a good understanding of the miraculous stretchyness of the vagina (fisting comes to mind as well). So I have a hard time comprehending the ‘too big’ when it comes to SOP cock in pussy fucking. Protracted foreplay is a good suggestion–I think that all foreplay should be protracted. Maybe Mr. Very Well Hung, Can I Please Have His Phone Number? could benefit from a nice mature lady to show him how the girl parts work. But if we’re talking about butt fucking, well that should never be done without copious amounts of lube–no ‘lady juices’ in the ass. Y’all need to stop buying your lube at Target–go someplace good that knows sex and sex accessories.
regarding the santorum issue, i think gay or hetero sex should always involve some basic hygiene, and douching for men or women engaging in anal sex is basic. it takes 10-15 minutes top and prevents any embarrassment or general ickiness. then again, there are times when you know what’s up (you), and no douching is required, but either way, be a good lover and make it a mess-free exchange.
regarding the santorum issue, i think gay or hetero sex should always involve some basic hygiene, and douching for men or women engaging in anal sex is basic. it takes 10-15 minutes top and prevents any embarrassment or general ickiness. then again, there are times when you know what’s up (you), and no douching is required, but either way, be a good lover and make it a mess-free exchange.
Medical advice to the woman with the size issue:
1. Vaginal dilators (though they sound archaic) are an option. I’ve recommended them to patients who have size-incompatibility that has led to condom breakage (which can be a problem due to excessive friction when the penis is too wide for the vagina). The vagina is very stretchable (a baby’s head is wider than any penis you’re ever going to encounter).
2. Don’t follow some of the above advice that involves searching around for materials to use as lube that aren’t marketed as such without doing some research. Anything oil-based can eat away at the condom. If in doubt, ask a doctor before using anything as lube that isn’t marketed as lube. I know it sounds embarrassing to ask, but I promise your doctor has heard worse.
3. If the issue is length, then just use different positions. Easy fix.
Yes, it would be unkind to actually kill Glen Beck even if you had the opportunity.
Although if he were on fire I might commit a sin of omission by not pissing on him.
I don’t like you’re characterizing ‘NALTs’ as “letting” the religion get hijacked – that happened at least 1,000 years ago – and it makes as much sense as blaming 9/11 the peace-loving muslims who “let” bin Laden, the Ayatollah’s, etc. hijack their religion. If you think that NALTs are to blame for not speaking up, I hope you’re against the “Ground Zero Mosque”, or hell, against gay marriage; because you know SOME gay folk are ridiculously promiscuous. I hope their not all like that!