I have been married for 16 years and have three children. My marriage isn’t the best, nor is the sex. I have strayed many times, and it’s always been with women—I love women and I love having sex with women. However, for years I have had a fantasy about being with a transsexual. I recently paid to be with a T-girl escort. She was flipping gorgeous. She had a dick, sure, but she was the hottest fucking girl I have ever seen—absolutely gorgeous. She talked like a girl, looked like a girl, smelled like a girl, had the body of a girl—she was all girl, except for the unit. I have no interest in being with a man. Does seeing this T-girl make me gay?

Walked On The Wild Side

You’re not gay, WOTWS, but you’re not exactly straight either.

There are other points along the gay/straight continuum, WOTWS, and anyone resourceful enough to track down a flipping gorgeous T-girl should be smart enough to figure out where he falls along the gay/straight continuum. But let me end the suspense: You’re a teensy, weensy bit bisexual, WOTWS, just another mostly straight dude who’s into women, into cock, and into women with cocks. But you’re not into dudes, not at all. Just women. And cock.

I’m going to catch hell for this, but hey, I don’t have three “Catcher” T-shirts for nothing: While you’ve got a touch of the bi—just a bit, mostly around your tonsils—you’re not obligated to identify as bi.

An awful lot of “rounding up” and “rounding down” goes on when it comes to sexual identities. There are bi women out there who round themselves up to lesbian because they’re with women or primarily attracted to women or afraid of mean lesbians who hate bi women. (Some of those mean lesbians are, predictably enough, bi themselves.) Some bi guys in gay relationships round themselves up to gay; a small number of gays and lesbians round themselves down to bi in solidarity or something; and lots of bi men and women in straight relationships round themselves down to straight. (And there are gay men and lesbians—100 percent homos—who identify as straight. These closet cases aren’t rounding up or down; they’re lying.)

Backing way the hell up: Sexual identity is a combo platter. There’s who you wanna do, who you are doing, and who you tell people you are. You can’t control who you wanna do—sexual orientation is not a choice—but you get to choose who you wind up doing and who you tell people you are. Don’t wanna have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do. Don’t wanna be a messy closet case à la Haggard, Craig, and Rekers? Tell the truth about who you’re doing.

It all seems so black and white, doesn’t it? But that’s because we backed way the hell up. Pull in close and you’ll be able to see the gray—grays like you, WOTWS, guys who are flamboyantly, flamingly, screamingly gray.

I’m a big supporter of gray rights, WOTWS, so I’m not telling you that you’re obligated to identify as bi, WOTWS, even if that is the black-and-white truth. But “bi” means “attracted to men and women,” and you’re not attracted to men. You’re into girls who talk like girls, look like girls, smell like girls, etc., and some of the girls you’re into happen to have dicks. And since trans women are women—even those trans women who’ve decided to keep the genitals they were born with—it’s closer to your truth, if not the truth, for you to identify as straight.

My husband of 10 years has decided to end our marriage due to my occasional indulgences in alcohol and cigarettes. I do not smoke and drink every day. I admit that in the beginning of our courtship I did not tell him about my indulgences. I hid them. After we were married, I was careful not to smoke or drink when we were together. My question is, should I allow my marriage to dissolve due to our differences? I want my husband to love and accept me for the person I am, and I do not want to be controlled.

Won’t Be Controlled

Someone who wants to be loved and accepted for the person she is, WBC, shouldn’t mislead her gentleman callers.

That said, WBC, I assume your husband didn’t find out about the booze and cigarettes yesterday. So the booze and cigarettes, if those are the only reasons your husband gave for wanting to end this marriage, may symbolize a larger pattern of deceit that has long troubled your husband. Or it’s possible the booze and cigarettes are a face-saving dodge: Perhaps your husband is blaming the booze and cigarettes to avoid telling you some harsher truth. Or maybe there’s something about himself that he would rather avoid disclosing. Or maybe he’s an asshole and he’s blaming the booze and cigarettes in order to shift all the blame for the failure of this marriage onto your shoulders.

We can sit here speculating until your lungs turn black, WBC, and it’s not going to change anything: Your husband doesn’t need your consent to obtain a divorce.

Now, you don’t say whether your husband offered to stay if you quit drinking and smoking—and if he didn’t, WBC, then booze and smokes aren’t the issue—but you’re clearly unwilling to give up your indulgences to save your marriage, as you do not wish to be “controlled,” which means that your marriage is over.

I’m a straight guy. My former roommate, also a straight guy, calls all his ex-girlfriends “fucking bitches.” He went on a date with a neighbor. He told me that she was a “fucking bitch” and that she drunk-dialed him several times at 3:00 a.m. She told me, unprompted, that he drunk-dialed her at 3:00 a.m. after she refused to have sex with him.

Do I have any obligation to warn women about him? My friends and I were debating this hypothetically until two days ago, when I saw him on a date with a woman I know. Do I tell her what a douche this guy is?

What Would Dan Do?

If this douche weren’t so transparent—if women didn’t see through him instantly—Dan would feel obligated to warn his female friends. But as this douche is transparent, WWDD, Dan wouldn’t feel obligated to warn women away. Don’t get Dan wrong: Dan would still warn anyone he knew who (1) has a pussy and (2) isn’t a crazy bitch, because Dan’s a meddling douche. But Dan wouldn’t feel obligated. So it’s your call, WWDD.

Do I have a duty to disclose to my wife that a guy licked my balls?

Balls Already Licked Last Summer

There’s more to this question—a lot more—and I actually answered it already. BALLS’s question was the Savage Love Letter of the Day last Wednesday. Folks with the Savage Love app (SLAPP) for iPhone get the letter of the day delivered directly to their phones. To find out what happened to BALLS’s balls, and what he told the wife, get SLAPPed.

CONFIDENTIAL TO CAROLINE AT EMU AND RYAN AT PSU: Thanks for being such wonderful hosts!

mail@savagelove.net

115 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. re: the first letter, I’m surprised Dan didn’t say anything about the infidelity. at least from a health point of view, if he is still having sex with his wife, then he should be getting tested regularly. and hopefully if he’s miserable, he is in the process of getting out of the marriage. kids can detect unhappiness, so unless the problem is purely sexual (and can be solved by fucking other people), the kids are going to be way less happy if their parents stay together than if they divorce.

    WWDD: as a lady, I would say that some guys can be incredibly charming, and then turn out to be just manipulative. so warn them if you want, but his douchey side will probably come out soon enough, so if it makes you uncomfortable, just mention that he might not be the best boyfriend if they ask and otherwise let them figure it out on their own.

  2. May Dan Savage always know health and wisdom and may we all be free to pursue our sexual happiness and fulfillment without bringing harm or suffering to others!

  3. WBC looks more concerned about not being controlled than about loosing her husband. all she says is that she does not drink every day, which does not mean she is not an alcoholic. deffensiveness and emphasis on control by others also point in that direction. maybe the husband got sick of this.

  4. Letter one – blah blah de blahditty blah. Dan has lots to say here, but what I’d say is that gay and straight aren’t always very useful labels, and don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t be putting a lot of energy into deciding what you are or aren’t.

    I *would* be putting some energy into doing something about this marriage. Getting some honesty in there, or ending it, or in some way working toward getting both your needs and those of your wife met.

  5. Dan you’re not going to catch hell for the identity stuff, because who really cares, but you will and should catch it for ignoring the major issue in the guy’s letter, which is that he’s cheating on his wife with paid escorts, possibly among other women, and he’s a chronic cheater who admits it openly and is thus a douchebag.

    The quality of your married sex life doesn’t allow you to cheat, people. News flash: it is not your partner’s fault if monogamy doesn’t suit you and you’re not enough of an adult to value your home and family more than sex with a whore.

    Jesus Dan, READ the letters! Address the situation – not just the question. This dude needs to quit *&^%ing his wife, get an STD test, then sit her down and ‘fess up so that they can arrange their divorce. Who gives a rat’s posterior about what his “sexual identity” is? There are three kids involved and he’s no father to them if he cheats on their mother with hookers and is such a self-absorbed twat that the main issue he has with it is how he has to think about himself some more.

  6. WOTWS: The REAL question is if the Tranny’s balls slapped you in the forehead, or if you got your balls licked? If so, then you’re definitely a fag. Unfortunately, you didn’t provide us with those teensy details.

    WBC: The divorce is probably more about the fact that you won’t be controlled. Or, that you won’t control yourself.

    WWDD: Doesn’t matter what Dan would do. The REAL question is WWJD? And I think the Big J would probably tell it like it is, cause that’s what decent fellas do. No?

  7. I have no idea what Dan would do, but what Paul would do is to warn the women. Just as I would warn guys about a particularly predatory woman, if I had the opportunity.

    Just because he’s your former roommate doesn’t mean you have to support his asshole behavior.

  8. I know I am painting with a broad brush here, but the last married ‘straight’ guy I knew who was into transsexuals basically let his reasoning slip, drunkenly: ‘Men are better than women at everything, including being women. They’re hotter, have great (fake) boobs, and spend all their time trying to be feminine instead of trying to be like men! And they don’t have disgusting, scary vaginas!’

    Yeah… he left his wife. And has major, major rage issues. I know, one case does not make a statistic or whatever, but it’s one perspective…

  9. The problem with warning someone about a potential douchebag is that they won’t listen.

    People like to make their own judgments, and if you warn them, you’ll end up being the douchebag that you tried to warn them against.

  10. Dan’s general perspective is that cheating is okay if it’s making the marriage better. He addresses cheating a lot, and could probably fill the column every single week with questions about it. The question (as obvious as the response was) was about the definition of his sexuality. It doesn’t need to be yet another letter about infidelity.

  13. #12, he didn’t need to state his position again, but he’s also been pretty clear about being first and foremost honest with your partner before ‘straying’ is okay – if you agreed to a open relationship in the first place, that’s different – and that your partner deserves to be safe even if you decide to stray.

    Disappointed he didn’t reiterate that myself, but whatever.

    WWDD – don’t make it a point to seek the women your friend is chasing out, but if it’s someone you know, by all means warn her. In this day and age, there’s a good chance word will get out anyway – a coworker of mine was basically blacklisted from dating any local woman who had a profile on an online dating site (and although I liked him as a friend, he got what he deserved there) – but on the other hand, I wish I would’ve been warned myself with one boyfriend (acquaintances said, after the fact, had a pattern of that behavior – didn’t call me a bitch, but he did use me financially and talked BS about our sex life after we broke up).

    Don’t tell her *not* to date him – just say that you have some information you feel she should know and that it’s her decision in the end.

  16. Don’t think for a minute Dan missed the infidelity issue in the wild side letter. If Dan is anything, he is meticulously thorough. He thoughtfully gave it the level of attention he felt it desired, by omitting to address it. On the other hand, the issue that Dan loves to address and pound into his readers thick little helmets is that of the continuum of sexual preference – a captivating issue of much wider public interest than boring old infidelity (especially if that move down the continuum involves some break in the traditional hetero relationship). And to top it off, in this case the subject is what most people would consider a middle of the road fella with a good number of married years under his belt, kids, probably a good father and overall nice guy who occasionally strays (come on, who doesn’t these days), and now – bingo, has discovered cocks, albeit attached to georgeous chicks. We are being told, hey its perfectly ok to enjoy what you like and try not to get too hung up on any label – just go with it. It’s somewhat liberating….

  17. Those of you complaining about the lack of smartphones should note that the Letter of the Day is available on Dan’s Blog. No app necessary.

  18. I don’t think it’s right to implicitly support infidelity in ordinary cases. Just break things off. Life is complicated enough without lying all the fucking time. The extraordinary cases involve either 1) a terminal spouse or 2) a spouse who becomes incapable of sex for medical reasons after the marriage has begun, but refuses to allow their spouse to bang other people.

    I live my life under a policy of full-disclosure. Maybe your wife wants to open up the marriage but she’s afraid to tell you. Maybe she’ll kick your ass out for even thinking of straying–in which case, congratulations, you’re now free to fuck whoever and whenever. Either way, honesty is the only policy with the two exceptions listed above.

    Thanks for getting something right about transfolk, Dan (that transwomen are women even if they still have penises). It’s surprisingly refreshing.

  21. Am I the only one who is surprised that someone who reads (and would write to) SavageLove would marry someone who is a hardcore teetotaler? Or am I just tipsy? I mean, that does appear to be a glass of wine in my hand, but, really… if it truly is an “occasional indulgence”, as the writer insists, wtf is the issue? Ending a 10-year relationship over “occasional indulgences” like booze and tobacco seems ridiculous and controlling….

  22. Sorry, not gonna spend $200 to see what advice you gave to some incredibly inane letter.

    Also, I was really hoping this was gonna be about aliens.

  23. About warning girls about your douche friend, consider this: you are about the same age, no? So you are essentially dating from the same pool. If he dates them and f*ks them up in the head, they are less datable for you. Just like the campsite rule (you should always try to leave the people you date in as good or better condition than when you met them) you have to look out for your own potential future campsites. If some ass hat is leaving trash around, do your best to stop him.

  27. No one’s going to read this comment, but I’m not sure why people are surprised that Dan’s supporting married mens’ right to stick their dicks into any consenting orifice and lie about it. That’s been his basic stance for years. The fact that the majority of spouses would be heartbroken if they found out is, to him, grounds for lying, not for talking it out first.

    I am sure he would support a woman’s right to insert anyone’s willing body parts into her vagina regardless of marital status and lie about it, but I’ve seen maybe two letters like that in five years, while cheating husbands pretty much crop out weekly. The stance in the comments tend to be that that’s because bitches ain’t shit. I think it’s because married men and married women tend to have different amounts of free time, and if you aren’t careful to check in with yourself every so often, both giving birth and birth control can fuck up your sex drive something fierce.

  29. There may be more to Ms. “I don’t need no stinkin’ rules” letter, or there may not. I have a couple of friends whose spouses get really upset whenever they indulge in ANYTHING. Heck, one of them gets pissed off about COFFEE. She’s never hidden the fact that she’s addicted to peppermint mochas and drinks about 6 of them a year. Suddenly it’s a big deal, as of about a year ago…he claims she should be able to maintain the abstinence from all things unholy to the temple of body that she undertook while she was pregnant. Between the small and large babies in the house, she’s drinking more coffee than ever. 🙂 This is not the only example I have of irrationally and sometimes suddenly controlling spouses.

    People can sometimes be controlling. I think you’re right that if he didn’t offer to stay if she quit, then he’s making up excuses. She could also check her behavior by asking other friends and family members about it (NOT the friends she “indulges” with). If all her friends and family say she doesn’t appear to have any problems, I would be worried about HIS control issues, not her attitude.

  30. There may be more to Ms. “I don’t need no stinkin’ rules” letter, or there may not. I have a couple of friends whose spouses get really upset whenever they indulge in ANYTHING. Heck, one of them gets pissed off about COFFEE. She’s never hidden the fact that she’s addicted to peppermint mochas and drinks about 6 of them a year. Suddenly it’s a big deal, as of about a year ago…he claims she should be able to maintain the abstinence from all things unholy to the temple of body that she undertook while she was pregnant. Between the small and large babies in the house, she’s drinking more coffee than ever. 🙂 This is not the only example I have of irrationally and sometimes suddenly controlling spouses.

    People can sometimes be controlling. I think you’re right that if he didn’t offer to stay if she quit, then he’s making up excuses. She could also check her behavior by asking other friends and family members about it (NOT the friends she “indulges” with). If all her friends and family say she doesn’t appear to have any problems, I would be worried about HIS control issues, not her attitude.

  31. @ comment 29: I don’t know what sex advice column you’ve been reading, but I’ve seen numerous letters from women describing intollerable home sex lives and seeking permission or affirmation on their cheating and the non-disclosure thereof. Remember, for every pussy starved husband seeking a warm hole to fill, there’s also just as many cock craving wives looking for a cock to be filled with.

    Because of cultural influences, women tend to be more discreet about their dalliances than men to avoid the “ho” label. Nevertheless, women are no less sexual than men and are equally as interested in getting off as is the opposite sex.

    In support of the aforementioned theory, I offer my own primitive, but real world experiences. As a college student I earned beer and gas money by driving a limo on weekends and at night. Since I was the young guy, I wound up driving most of the bachelor and bachelorette parties. I’d probably ferried north of 75 such groups over a two year period.

    For the guys, I’d invariably be asked to take them to the local titty bars where the buddies would buy the groom a lap dance(s). If he wasn’t yet vomiting on himself, he’d sit passively in the chair on his hands while the buddies yelled and screamed and paid $40 for the pleasure of seeing their friend get tits rubbed in his face and the lingering aroma of strawberry douche. I cannot think of even one trip on a bachelor party where the groom was banging some chick in the back of the limo.

    On the other hand, women usually made a circuit of the local clubs and went about dancing and drinking the night away. Once sufficiently intoxicated, and after squirting everyone in sight with their cock shaped water guns, more often than not, the future bride wound up in the back of the limo getting drilled by some guy she’d hooked up with in one of the clubs. On at least three of said occassions the driller happened to be the limo driver himself;-) Can I get an AMEN, brothers?

    Although not conducted scientifically, I think my experiences would constitute empirical evidence of my hypothosis, that women are just as naughty as men and equally as apt to cheat.

    Maybe they’re just not as open about it.

  33. Won’t Be Controlled’s husband really does sound unreasonable and controlling. Dan is right that is isn’t within her power to stop him from divorcing her (unless she wants to give in and let him control her behavior–and her behavior does not seem problematic) but really that guy sounds like no loss at all. I am not much of a drinker myself and if I could never drink again for health reasons or something I could give it up easily, but if my husband demanded I never drink again just to appease him I would sure as shit have a problem with it.

  34. An escort for mental masturbation. Nice work when you can get it, Dan!

    If being passive to oral stimulation qualifies and requires being received only once, the percentage of bisexual men is probably closer to 50% than 0%!

    Religious fundamentalists use this easy shortcut to sin (as they see it) when spinning the line that being gay is a choice.

    Sexual orientation isn’t a choice when a person is homo or hetero but bisexual people do make choices between allures offered by each gender. Such choices are in/of the moment of course. What’s in dispute are the percentages.

    Sex for me is essentially a private affair; not talking about it is as reasonable as touting it and more reasonable than lying about it. YMMV!

  36. I have to say the title “GRAY RIGHTS” title really led me down the garden path as to what the article was going to be about! (Hey, everybody should enjoy sex! Except I don’t want to think about my parents. Or grandparents. Ever.) And what a great overview of how people self identify their sexuality. As a bi who has at times rounded down to het and other times rounded up to homo (but at all times queer), I particularly appreciated this.

    @29 I’ve not seen Dan advocate lying. Yes, he believes that open marriages can work — if people work at them and don’t lie to each other. Yes, he believes that most men are by nature non-monogamous — not being a man I’ll have to defer on that one. AND yes, he believes that a one time case of cheating in of itself doesn’t have to destroy a relationship . But none of that is advocacy of ongoing lying in a relationship. Perhaps you should provide some links to support your assertions. After all, I’ve only gotten about two thirds of the way through the archives & thru two of his books in the last few months.

    AND HEY, ALL OF YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT NO APPS, I GOT Y’ALL TRUMPED: PODCASTS? I CAN’T EVEN HEAR THEM. 😛 😀

    Poor Dan, either folks bitch at him for not including the letter or bitch at him for including the letter when it previously appeared in his blog 🙂

    Anyway, the letter in question is at http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive… and it is maybe the funniest letter ever PLUS great comments (including the original letter writer) so set your deficient phones aside and go read & enjoy…

  37. Woah, down on the ladies week.

    1. TELL YOUR WIFE you are having sex with hookahs. Doesn’t Dan tell everyone to be open and honest? So be open and honest. Sleeping with T-girl hookers? Honey, get tested. Wife of dude, get tested. And probably leave him because who puts someone else at risk like that? Let alone, who puts their life partner at risk like that?

    2. Sounds like you either need to stand up to him and say, this is me. Or let him dissolve the marriage, and lesson learned. From your tone, it sounds like you act meek when you really feel very different. Perhaps it’s a pattern of you feeling you acquies to other people, and then wonder why they don’t appreciate you? Anyhow, a marriage is bigger than booze and ciggies. Clearly it’s important to both of you – if you want to stay together – why don’t you just drink/smoke on the weekends?

    3. FUCK YES you need to tell people. THANK YOU for being a responsible citizen.

    4. Sounds like a fun story. I dig.

    Dan, your orthodox Catholic upbringing shines through sometimes – you really disregarded the ladies this week.

  38. Well, Dan did create the acronym CPOS to describe cheaters, so I’m not sure he’s been all that easy on them.

    For those who don’t read SL enough to develop an informed opinion, that stands for Cheating Piece Of S**t.

  39. Woah, down on the ladies week.

    1. TELL YOUR WIFE you are having sex with hookahs. Doesn’t Dan tell everyone to be open and honest? So be open and honest. Sleeping with T-girl hookers? Honey, get tested. Wife of dude, get tested. And probably leave him because who puts someone else at risk like that? Let alone, who puts their life partner at risk like that?

    2. Sounds like you either need to stand up to him and say, this is me. Or let him dissolve the marriage, and lesson learned. From your tone, it sounds like you act meek when you really feel very different. Perhaps it’s a pattern of you feeling you acquies to other people, and then wonder why they don’t appreciate you? Anyhow, a marriage is bigger than booze and ciggies. Clearly it’s important to both of you – if you want to stay together – why don’t you just drink/smoke on the weekends?

    3. FUCK YES you need to tell people. THANK YOU for being a responsible citizen.

    4. Sounds like a fun story. I dig. – I read the letter – bravo! I wonder if it’s my wife and her husband that live up in Portland….

  40. I read WOTWS’s letter over & over, & nothing in it denotes the sex of the writer. Nothing. The LW actually *could* be a woman. However, i do like Dan’s idea of “rounding up or down”, and so it really doesn’t matter what the sex of the LW is as it pertains to sexual preferences. That said, i tend to agree with responders who are telling WOTWS to stop cheating on the unsuspecting spouse & get into marriage &/or personal therapy. Nothing like an STD or STI to “round things out”, right?

  41. Bought the app. Somewhat disappointed. Sure, it delivers a Savage Love Letter of the Day. Problem is, it’s not always the one that’s posted on SLOG. It’s often an archive one. This is irritating. The archives on the app also only go back to 2003. So if you want to read older stuff, you have to wade through the archives on the web.

    Of course, for $1.99 or whatever, you get what you pay for.

    Which includes a picture of Dan that vibrates when you tap it. I have no words.

    As for today’s letters, yeah, whatever.

  42. Bluejean – The fact that the reader is questioning their sexuality after being with somebody with a penis is a pretty big clue. The user also states that he has no interest in being with a man. If it was a woman writer she would clearly be gay and wouldn’t be asking the question.

  44. If I were in WWDD’s situation, I’d handle the Douche Warning System on a case-by-case basis. It’s a double-standard, yeah, but I’d go to a lot more effort to warn women I knew to have a pattern of putting up with abusive douchebags (or a simple social blind spot towards them) than I would some random stranger I saw him having a beer with.

    Maybe, if he’s dating his co-workers or something, warn one or two of those (if they don’t know what he’s like already) and the warning will get around on its own from there.

  46. Um, hello all you commenters whining about not having smartphones: It’s a Letter Of The Day. It was in the Savage Blog. You are presumably reading this online, so it can’t be that hard to go look for it there, if you want to read the rest of it. If Dan had published the entire letter, a whole different set of folks would be whining about how he doesn’t work hard enough and is re-posting things…

  47. @Bluejean Baby If the writer was female, married to a man, and cheating with women frequently I’d think there would be little questioning of sexual identity. The fact that the writer was worried cheating a someone with a dick would make them gay is a very clear indication that it’s a man writing.

  48. Wow, would everyone chill the fuck out about Dan not addressing the “cheating” in the first letter? That’s not what the writer was asking about, and he didn’t even indicate whether or not his wife knew about the “straying”…because that wasn’t relevant. He wasn’t asking, “How can I repair my marriage,” or even “Am I a CPOS?” He was asking, “Am I less straight than I thought?” If Dan wanted to address the “cheating” issue, he would’ve had to ask that writer for more info about it, and frankly, I’m glad he didn’t waste time on that BECAUSE IT WASN’T THE GUY’S QUESTION.

    Ahem. Also, as much as I enjoyed Dan’s response to this letter, I think I somewhat prefer this explanation from an older column:

    So what’s up with the she-male thing? It’s like this: Straight boys love tits. Straight boys also love cock. In most cases straight boys are enamored of their own cocks exclusively, and there’s nothin’ queer about that. But for a tiny minority of straight guys, their love of cock extends to other cocks. This “thing” is most commonly expressed by a taste for “straight” porn that prominently displays cock. Most straight guys who enjoy cock in their porn identify with the other men’s cocks, enjoying the thrill of living vicariously through them. But a thin slice of these straight guys actually lust after cock—but just the dicks, GIIRL, not the dudes. An even thinner slice of this already thin slice of the straight-guy pie actively long for dick—a dick other than their own—but they’re straight, you see, and they don’t want to mess around with an actual dude, just a cock. And that’s where she-males come in—excuse me, cash in. They’ve got dicks and their dicks aren’t attached to dudes. Their dicks are attached to babes, and cock-hungry straight boys will pay them good money for the pleasure of their company.

    So is your boyfriend gay? No, he’s not. I don’t know any gay men who lust after she-males; that obsession is an exclusively straight-identified-male-with-a-hunger-for-cock phenomenon. His she-male obsession technically disqualifies him from the 100-percent-straight category, but it doesn’t necessarily make him bi or gay—just a touch queer. If you’re not down with that, well, then DTMFA.

  50. Well, you tell me. I haven’t considered myself anything other than queer for a long time. But I rarely use “bi” because it just doesn’t seem like the right label. “Bi” sounds like I have to have one of each hanging around at any given time or that all my partners have to divide up equally by each, N men and N women. That’s not even taking into account the sexuality of each of my partners, only their current sex.

    The rounding up and rounding down quite frankly happens when I am a) with someone specific or b) talk about a specific man or woman as a past/present sexual partner, and the rounding up or down is done by the person seeing me with my partner or the person hearing me speak of a former partner.

    So, whatever.

  53. “Backing way the hell up: Sexual identity is a combo platter. There’s who you wanna do, who you are doing, and who you tell people you are. You can’t control who you wanna do—sexual orientation is not a choice—but you get to choose who you wind up doing and who you tell people you are. Don’t wanna have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do. Don’t wanna be a messy closet case à la Haggard, Craig, and Rekers? Tell the truth about who you’re doing.”
    Does Dan always read EVERY comment and reply secretly through his next SL? >.>

  54. I love listening to/reading tobacco addicts go on about “not being controlled!” They sure do love being controlled by their addictions, though, don’t they?

  55. I’m sorry but why is everyone assuming the wife doesn’t in Letter 1 doesn’t know her husband is cheating?!? Do YOU know she’s not aware?!?

    I am a woman…and thus have many girlfriends and friends of girlfriends etc. I am constantly amazed at how MANY women I know take the stance of “He can cheat, as long as he keeps it out of my face, continues to provide for the family and is generally otherwise available. It doesn’t really matter anyhow I’m doing Person X from the office/PTA Meeting/Gym etc”

    So yeah all this outrage about Dan not making a fuss about infidelity is a bit ridiculous. YOU morals aren’t everyone elses’. Making mass generalizations of “YOU cannot do this or that in a marriage…” are so tired. People do DO what they want in a marriage and unless you are in it you have no idea what the terms are.

    Oh and also very tired is the stock response of “Get tested for STDs” whenever someone is cheating. I mean really…if someone has managed to successfully cheat (or has permission to cheat) why this great assumption that in the middle of the plotting and planning they must have suddenly lost all logic and gone without protection?!? I don’t get it.

    It’s kinda like telling people “Smoking is bad!”. Well duh…”Use protection” kind of falls under the same category. Well of course you are going to wrap it up with a hooker. Or am I giving people too much credit?!?

  56. Ah my outrage over some of the sanctimonious comments = many typos. Please excuse…I’m usually a fair bit more conscientious about my typing.

    And @50-Neptune, very much in agreement with you. The LW’s question wasn’t related to cheating at all!

  57. I’ve wondered if straight men are into t-girls because they so often act and dress like a stereotype of hyper-femininity seen in few biological females.

  58. “Don’t wanna have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do.”

    and what do you do
    when you aren’t the ‘who’
    of the people
    who you want to do?

  60. @57 – you said – I am constantly amazed at how MANY women I know take the stance of “He can cheat, as long as he keeps it out of my face,”

    How does this come up, among you and your girl friends? Does it start with listening to them complain about the cheating, and then after a couple of years of that, when their friends are sick of hearing them moan about it, do they then develop the sense of acceptance that you’re talking about? Or does it hit at a certain age? Because I’m in midlife, and I also know quite a few women, and none have ever told me that it’s okay with them if their husband cheats. (Not counting poly & open folks, of course, because that’s not cheating….)

  62. @63, I’m confused, isn’t that pretty much what everyone does? They get the person who is willing to do them and is most like what they want, and then they use their imaginations to make it even hotter?

  63. go download your app? really?

    what about us poor slobs who haven’t bought into the iPhone fad?

    come on Dan, don’t do this to your loyal readers, either answer letters in Savage Love or don’t bother posting them at all…

  65. ARRGH! After two people linked the blog in the comments, people are STILL bitching? Go read it there, it’s funnier with the comments anyway.

  66. I find it, uh, we’ll say, *semantically* interesting that one rounds down to hetero or bisexuality. Homo’s the top of the heap, eh? Is this a kinsey-scale reference? Personal bias? Or a deliberate inversion of the expected bias?

    I’m not offended by it. I just think it’s interesting.

  67. What about us poor slobs with out iPhones? Why is the letter of the day hid from us who won’t drink the cider of the evil empire?

  68. @BEG: Dan advocates lying all the time, though for what he considers to be good reasons: lying to parents supporting you when you can’t support yourself about sexual identity if you think telling the truth will end that, lying to a partner about porn usage if sie is being crazy about it, lying to a partner about infidelity if sie is being unreasonable in hir demands about sexuality e.g. “I’m not going to fuck you and you can’t fuck other people”, etc. Also, maybe one of these days when I’m bored at work (tomorrow?), I’ll look into doing speech-to-text of the podcasts and editing the probably-crappy transcription so you can participate in the full range of Savage glory. Unless you already have Dragon or something similar, which is probably going to do a much better job than the free alternatives I can find.

  70. @68 I think it’s simply a matter of rounding down a relatively small amount of gay.

    If the situations were reversed – say, a gay man who liked an occasional dip into pussy – he could choose to round down that bit of het and still identify as gay.

  71. @57

    THANK YOU! The unending chorus of “Well, I hope you use protection” is so much self-righteous bullshit, and it makes me feel so stabby! I mean, do you tell every car-traveling person you speak with “Well, I hope you wore your seatbelt”?

    Those of us who indulge in sex with multiple partners take a calculated risk that we are well aware of. Walking out of your house on any given day is risky, but most people do it. So is cooking. So is driving.

    I appreciate your concern, but I do not need your reminder to act responsibly. Despite the non-judgmental disclaimer that always precedes it, it’s a not-so-subtle reminder that you’re actually judging my behavior, and it just makes you look like a turd.

  75. Lol @ 73!!!

    but yet, you should be used to the sactimonous BULLSHIT that flies, I know I am!!!

    See if you have heard these before: “Why don’t you try to work it out with your parnter….communicate” (Well, what afucking knee slapper, WHY didn’t I think of that???). Or how about “Why don’t you just leave? Cheating is the WORST THING a person could ever do!!!!” (Ummmm, no leaving my children and ripping apart my family is the worst thing I could ever do)

    So I guess my alternative is to go with out sex. Fuck THAT.

  76. @77 badgirl, you have your reasons for what you do, but I would rather my husband left than lied to me for years and years. The kids will survive divorce, the adults will survive, and everyone will get to live their actual life, not a simulacrum of a disney marriage that falls apart whenever I finally figure out that it was all fake.

  77. @74 — A lot of people don’t believe in “gay”. They just think there are a number of straight people sinning by choosing to have sex with people of the same sex.

    I’m bi — do I exist?

  78. Ironically, I did ask to leave, even before I strayed; he has caught me before, and still wanted to “work things out”, HE promised to change… Perhaps if my lover were availible, perhaps if kids were not in the picture, perhaps if it were worse at home….as of now, it is what it is. Judging someone over a misdemenor like infidelity….

    There are far worse crimes one can commit, especially if one is not privy to what actually goes on in a marriage.

  79. @57 and 73 — I think the sheer number of people who catch something off of cheating SO’s suggests there’s still a need to remind folks to get tested. Sure, folks who knowingly sleep with multiple partners and know how to Do It Right is one thing, but a lot of cheaters find excuses to justify dodging the issue because they think it’ll make it easier for them to get caught or something.

  80. I am surprised that Dan missed the boat about the guy into TS women. There is quite a bit of evidence in the literature to suggest that “tranny chasing” is a distinct paraphilia, unrelated to homosexuality or bisexuality. The guy may simply be into chicks with dicks and never have any interest in normally equipped guys. As a TV myself, I can tell you that there are a lot of guys out there who want to get into my panties (no thanks, not my thing), but who otherwise are turned on only by women. I wouldn’t call them “bi” or “gray”.

  81. I am surprised that Dan missed the boat about the guy into TS women. There is quite a bit of evidence in the literature to suggest that “tranny chasing” is a distinct paraphilia, unrelated to homosexuality or bisexuality. The guy may simply be into chicks with dicks and never have any interest in normally equipped guys. As a TV myself, I can tell you that there are a lot of guys out there who want to get into my panties (no thanks, not my thing), but who otherwise are turned on only by women. I wouldn’t call them “bi” or “gray”.

  82. @81 “Pansy”? Nice. Didn’t know that believing that women shouldn’t be called “fucking bitches” was a gay signifier. Thanks for pointing that out.

  84. Hi Dan. Not sure if you’ll ever read this comment. Nevertheless, this is the best stuff I’ve EVER heard you say about bisexuality. I have usually came to expect something at least slightly biphobic and I have to admit I really like what you wrote! I don’t see any reason why you should catch heat for it. (Beyond the whole shades of gray means you are never “really” anything. Long, largely irrelevant thought there.)

  85. yes he is gay,still has a penis. the boobs are just a facade. wait till he gets rid of the wiener and then its just being courious.

  86. some times you feel like some nuts …… some time’s you don’t ! almond joy , or mounds .flippin , or floppin it’s still a fish . The kid’s in the hall say it’s only gay if you do it 3 time’s . opinions are like ass hole’s , every one’s got one and it usually stink’s . Bottom line , you were bi when you made the date . you were gay when you were catching , bi when you were pitchin . Marilyn Manson said it best – if you suck a dick for curiousity , it’s just that . if you do it for business your not gay . if you do it to get your dick sucked in return your bi . if your dick get hard while you were sucking it your gay ! Hope that helped !

  87. @12, I don’t want to profess to speak for Dan, but my takeaway from his columns has always been that non-monagamy can be ok, but cheating is almost never ok. And they aren’t the same thing.

  88. @82 and just how many do these “sheer numbers” amount to? I’m curious because I’m yet to see any real numbers on this cheating-spouses-bring-STDs-home.

    Roughly 43,443 people die in car accidents each year in the US (look it up). Does your “sheer number” equal close to that? I’m going to guess not.

    And yet I certainly don’t see/read comments from people insisting anyone getting into a car wear a seatbelt. Why don’t we get the “Ooh you are driving?!? Wear a seatbelt” parade of comments then? I mean 43,443 deaths per year is no joke right?

    Oh well I stand by the fact that the tired refrain to cheaters of “OOh get tested for STDs” is mostly based in judgement and not much more. But of course feel free to stand by your own facts.

  89. @81, why do bad guys deserve girlfriends? Having a partner is not a right. We have to work to build trust and respect with other people. A guy who refers who women as “fucking bitches” is never going to get a woman to respect him.

  90. @91

    I agree that it’s condescending and stupid to remind adulterers that you can in fact get STIs from sex, but your argument is not sound. Car accident-related deaths are a matter of public record and there is no ambiguity. STIs from cheating are extremely difficult to account for. Partly this is because most STIs are not fatal, but also because these statistics rely on people telling the truth. For car crashes, the sample size in the entire country; for STIs you might get stats about an increase or decrease in certain diseases, but there is simply no way to accurately determine who has gotten an STI from infidelity. The best people can manage is a survey, but this will never give us hard numbers. This is the real flaw in @82’s argument; you can’t argue about facts that don’t exist.

  92. I don’t know how this got to be about cheating statistics, but IMO the most under disclosed figure in any type of polling is that of the number of women who cheat. Men are less concerned about the social stigma attached to being a “cheating spouse” vs. that of women. Many women, therefore, not only fabricate about the fact that they have cheated to pollsters, they convince themselves that there activities don’t amount to cheating.

    “Oh sure, I blew my sales manager in the bathroom during the Christmas party, but that’s not cheating”. It’s unfortunately a societal conditioning that makes men less ashamed to admit or be perceived as the cheater vs. the woman. After all, the 75% of cheating husbands aren’t all cheating with the same 20% of cheating wives.

  93. I would like to address the last letter regarding informing women of the douchiness of a man. I would encourage you to tell women about this guy. Even if he is transparent they can be sly, slip by and possibly harm one of these women. I was in a situation a few years ago where a man kept asking me out and I kept refusing until one day after a series of stressful event led me to let my guard down, “Oh he can’t be so bad.” This guy ended up date raping me. Far too many of my friends who watched him pursue me didn’t say anything because they didn’t trust what they felt about him, not a single person was surprised that he capable of rape. If they had said something I NEVER would have let my guard down and had to live through the terrible experience and aftermath of being raped. Say something.

  94. Dear WWDO:

    The real point here, WWDO, is why don’t you tell this dude to stop disrepecting women in your presence? Tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s not cool to call his exes “fucking bitches.”

  96. When tempted to cheat (i.e., lie to someone you’re in a relationship with), first try to fix the relationship by being honest and kind about what you’re not getting. “I wanna stay with you but the the lack of sex / interesting sex is a dealbreaker for me.” Be honest about what you want and how hard you’re willing to work with your partner to get it. After you’ve given it your best and it still won’t work, then break up with kindness and dignity, and look for someone you’re compatible with.

    To stay and live a lie is cowardly, lazy, immature and selfish. It’s probably not something you’d be thrilled with if someone else did it to you. You’re just trying to avoid facing reality, or trying to stay comfortable, at someone else’s expense. It sucks and is shameful. It’s a hideous thing to model for children (and yeah, on some level they know a lie is being lived and they suffer).

  97. I guess I’m the only one who thought it was odd that she said she drank only “occasionally” rather than saying she didn’t drink very much or was only a mild drinker, or social drinker. Binge drinkers only drink occasionally but they drink too much at once and can make complete fools of themselves. Having to deal with someone who is “only” an occasional drunk is still no picnic.

    Or he could have just had a bad experience in a previous relationship with someone who turned out to be an alcoholic. I’d be willing to give up drinking for a spouse if there was some reason for it, even if it was an irrational fear on his part. Alcohol just isn’t that important.

    Maybe he is a control freak, but we don’t even know what his stated rationale is for objecting to her drinking. Cigarettes are one thing – even mild amounts of cigarette smoke in one’s own home when you don’t smoke is just annoying. But most people who object to someone else’s drinking have a reason to, even if the drinker doesn’t see it that way. I’m thinking she’s either a binge drinker and/or she has a tendency to do something stupid or annoying when she has that occasional drink.

  100. Yo Dan. I know it seems that “everyone” has the iphone these days, but “everyone” isn’t everyone. I’d like to read the answer to BALLS, but now I can’t….

  102. I have loved and adored solely male-to-female transgenders and transsexuals for a good few years now. At this point I can’t really imagine being with anyone else.

    It’s honestly a shame that transgenders and transsexuals here consider themselves either one or the other (male or female), or want to be considered that way, and as such see transfans such as myself as being sick or sleazy. I’m not denying that sick and sleazy transfans exist, generally those who are in fact fetishists and do it simply because it’s a total fetish, ignoring the humanity of the people they’re with in exchange for the chance to bed a dickgirl. But there are other transfans out there, such as myself, who see transgenders as truly and seriously beautiful of their own merit. To me, they’re more feminine and lovely than anything, and worthy of just as much love as anyone else, love which I truly want to give them, in a romantic sense, not even necessarily a sexual one. I’d even date a transgender who wasn’t at all interested in sex, I really would, simply because it’s just everything about them which drives me wild.

    As for sexual identity, I identify as neither gay nor straight nor bisexual. Sexuality is such a liquid thing that labeling myself would be a useless gesture. I suppose ‘transfan’ has to suffice for now.

    A final note to transgenders and transsexuals: Please don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I know there are a lot of sleazy guys out there who would love you and leave you, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t guys out there who want to have a serious, loving, tender relationship with you.

  103. PS as a matter of speaking, though, I do from time to time identify as gay, and yes, I have from time to time been known to be into the very softest, feminine of non-transgender men. So do not ever think that there is an interest in transgenders exclusively because some “straight guy wants just a little bit of cock,” it isn’t so simple, and to put it in such simple terms degrades both those who love transgenders and I think to a good extent transgenders themselves, and that’s never something which should be okay.

  105. All these people whining about how they don’t have the kind of phones where they can get the Savage Love app – even near the end of the thread! – are an interesting indication that a lot of people don’t actually read the other comments, they just want to have their say. I know you won’t read this, people without fancy phones, but the Q&A you want to read is available online & always was & several people have told you exactly where to find it!

  106. @91– I admit that all I have to bring to the table is is anecdotal arguments. Just like any claim you currently have that cheaters are generally considerate enough to their spouse to not get them sick. Both of our arguments are flawed.

    It’s possible that the “get tested” comments are aimed at the cheaters not as a judgement on the cheater themselves but as a reminder that the cheater is having sex with someone who may be openly supportive of dishonesty in relationships. Because Dan has gotten plenty of letters from people who cheat on their SO’s just to find out the one they’re cheating with is *gasp* not trustworthy, relationship-wise.

    Again, purely anecdotal with a dose of speculation on my end, but there are people who become too comfortable with scorpions to forget what it might mean to carry one on their back. No matter how much you think you know the situation and the players involved, every now and again someone will act seemingly out of character and fuck things up for a large group of people.

    Anything I have to say on your fallacy-laden ‘seatbelt’ argument was already handled by @93 who covered that far more eloquently than I could have; which I do appreciate even as she points out a valid flaw in my own argument (but without being a jerk about it or insulting my intelligence).

  108. A person who looks like a woman and has a penis is freakish. How can anyone find such desirable? If I were into penises I would want it attached to someone who looks like a man. Preferable, a normal looking man who looks typical and average. If I got with a transvestite who initially looked like a woman but discovered during the undressing or feeling that the person had male parts I would freak out.

  109. I have to agree with those who have said that someone with a fetish or specific desire for trans women is not necessarily bi. A bi person may actually have such a desire, but so could a straight or gay person or the vast numbers of people who don’t fit any strict category. But as Dan says in the last para, bi at base means ‘lover of men and women’, not lover of ‘women with either masculine or feminine genitalia’.

  110. This is not pertinent to today’s Savage Love, but I friggin’ LOVE you, Dan!

    I agree with your public statements and applaud your initiatives. You’re my cultural hero and I’d definitely have your baby if: 1.) I could have babies to begin with 2.) You didn’t have a husband already and 3.) you didn’t have a child already too.

    You’re handsome, smart, articulate and a fierce advocate. I will continue to love you unrequited (which is actually fine by me) from afar.

    Jim

  111. @113:

    But what about those of us who are specifically attracted to someone with certain genitalia? Am I ‘bi’ because I’m attracted to both men and women with female genitalia, but no one with male genitalia? That seems strange to me.

    I think it would be more accurate to say that attraction can be divided in many different ways. It can be whether the person is a woman or a man, regardless of genitalia. Or, it can be about the genitalia, regardless of the person’s gender.

  112. Just wanted to make a few comments on “cheating” from one who has been there. I found out my husband of 8 years cheated on me, and was devastated. DEVASTATED. We were both unhappy, but sex was not lacking. My choice was emotionally withdraw, his was to cheat. Neither of us knew the other was unhappy.

    No one not a part of this marriage has the right to pass judgment on either choice – you don’t know the details – but suffice to say our choices had negative impacts on both of us. What we both recognize is his choice was far more hurtful, far more deceitful, and had a broader reaching impact than mine (his mistress was also married). Had either of us been adult enough to COMMUNICATE and be HONEST, the pain may have been better mitigated. So, point #1: Don’t be a douche, don’t lie and open up to your chosen life partner. You owe it to each other and your relationship, even if you don’t get the results you were hoping for. A relationship ending honestly is far better for the psyche and easier to heal from than a relationship that continues (or ends) under a lie.

    My husband has a PhD in biology and works in the medical field, thus is more aware than some of the risks of having unprotected sex. However, he put our lives at risk by having unprotected sex anyway. Obviously “brains” did not come into the picture. Beside the trauma of realizing that your loved one thinks so little of you to put you at risk that way, the horror of the realization that you could be physically affected for life (either through STD or Pregnancy) by a choice you had little control over is a mind fuck to say the least. He had to be reminded to be tested, didn’t even think about it. So, Point #2, for those of you selfish asshats who “don’t need to be told” to use protection when cheating: STFU and use protection for the sake of the person you used to like enough to fuck.

  114. @111: Depends on the operation. As far as sexual preference goes, in fact my preference is for actually *no* operation, and I have a serious appetite for rather young (very late teens, early-to-mid 20s, still in my age range, really), pretty shy crossdressers. But as far as romance goes, I don’t restrict myself to anyone, not even to transgenders, although again, shy, feminine guys and shy, feminine crossdressers especially drive me just up a wall crazy for them.

    @112: Well that’s your business that you consider them freakish. Congratulations, you live in America, where it is perfectly legal to freak the fuck out about something harmless and dare I say attractive beyond measure (but of course, that’s just me). Just do me a favor and don’t start pressing your dumbass fear of breaking out of gender norms onto others.

    I could be totally wrong on this, and I don’t know you, so I’m not at all claiming to speak for you, but it seems to me that it could be very likely that the reason you think of them as freakish is because of people like you who think of them as freakish and pass that on socially. People like to call it a crime against nature or some dumb zealous noise like that. The truth is that there have been footnotes on gender roles in countless civilizations throughout history. Currently, and thankfully, we’ve got a pendulum swing sort of thing heading back towards more open acceptance of this.

    I’m not saying you’re an ass for being all “well, it’s freakish, penises should be on guys,” you go ahead and do that. I’m saying that you have the freedom to do that, so let me have the freedom to think of them as incredible and lovely. I myself and a good number of transgenders and genderqueer individuals I know live under a sort of umbrella fear of the people like you who gain power and then act on their feelings of disgust and revulsion, resulting in things like “morality crimes” and the like. Currently, there isn’t really anything for transgenders or transfans such as myself, but there’s always that fear.

  115. Dan you are THE MAN. Keep up the good job, you are driving the christians even more crazy than they were before. They think they are so smart networking to stop gay marriage and anybody who will not go along with their hate and lies. It is time for them to go. What do they call it the rapture, well drink the Jim Jones christian kool aid and you will be in heaven.

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