I have been married for 16 years and have three children. My marriage isn’t the best, nor is the sex. I have strayed many times, and it’s always been with women—I love women and I love having sex with women. However, for years I have had a fantasy about being with a transsexual. I recently paid to be with a T-girl escort. She was flipping gorgeous. She had a dick, sure, but she was the hottest fucking girl I have ever seen—absolutely gorgeous. She talked like a girl, looked like a girl, smelled like a girl, had the body of a girl—she was all girl, except for the unit. I have no interest in being with a man. Does seeing this T-girl make me gay?
Walked On The Wild Side
You’re not gay, WOTWS, but you’re not exactly straight either.
There are other points along the gay/straight continuum, WOTWS, and anyone resourceful enough to track down a flipping gorgeous T-girl should be smart enough to figure out where he falls along the gay/straight continuum. But let me end the suspense: You’re a teensy, weensy bit bisexual, WOTWS, just another mostly straight dude who’s into women, into cock, and into women with cocks. But you’re not into dudes, not at all. Just women. And cock.
I’m going to catch hell for this, but hey, I don’t have three “Catcher” T-shirts for nothing: While you’ve got a touch of the bi—just a bit, mostly around your tonsils—you’re not obligated to identify as bi.
An awful lot of “rounding up” and “rounding down” goes on when it comes to sexual identities. There are bi women out there who round themselves up to lesbian because they’re with women or primarily attracted to women or afraid of mean lesbians who hate bi women. (Some of those mean lesbians are, predictably enough, bi themselves.) Some bi guys in gay relationships round themselves up to gay; a small number of gays and lesbians round themselves down to bi in solidarity or something; and lots of bi men and women in straight relationships round themselves down to straight. (And there are gay men and lesbians—100 percent homos—who identify as straight. These closet cases aren’t rounding up or down; they’re lying.)
Backing way the hell up: Sexual identity is a combo platter. There’s who you wanna do, who you are doing, and who you tell people you are. You can’t control who you wanna do—sexual orientation is not a choice—but you get to choose who you wind up doing and who you tell people you are. Don’t wanna have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do. Don’t wanna be a messy closet case à la Haggard, Craig, and Rekers? Tell the truth about who you’re doing.
It all seems so black and white, doesn’t it? But that’s because we backed way the hell up. Pull in close and you’ll be able to see the gray—grays like you, WOTWS, guys who are flamboyantly, flamingly, screamingly gray.
I’m a big supporter of gray rights, WOTWS, so I’m not telling you that you’re obligated to identify as bi, WOTWS, even if that is the black-and-white truth. But “bi” means “attracted to men and women,” and you’re not attracted to men. You’re into girls who talk like girls, look like girls, smell like girls, etc., and some of the girls you’re into happen to have dicks. And since trans women are women—even those trans women who’ve decided to keep the genitals they were born with—it’s closer to your truth, if not the truth, for you to identify as straight.
My husband of 10 years has decided to end our marriage due to my occasional indulgences in alcohol and cigarettes. I do not smoke and drink every day. I admit that in the beginning of our courtship I did not tell him about my indulgences. I hid them. After we were married, I was careful not to smoke or drink when we were together. My question is, should I allow my marriage to dissolve due to our differences? I want my husband to love and accept me for the person I am, and I do not want to be controlled.
Won’t Be Controlled
Someone who wants to be loved and accepted for the person she is, WBC, shouldn’t mislead her gentleman callers.
That said, WBC, I assume your husband didn’t find out about the booze and cigarettes yesterday. So the booze and cigarettes, if those are the only reasons your husband gave for wanting to end this marriage, may symbolize a larger pattern of deceit that has long troubled your husband. Or it’s possible the booze and cigarettes are a face-saving dodge: Perhaps your husband is blaming the booze and cigarettes to avoid telling you some harsher truth. Or maybe there’s something about himself that he would rather avoid disclosing. Or maybe he’s an asshole and he’s blaming the booze and cigarettes in order to shift all the blame for the failure of this marriage onto your shoulders.
We can sit here speculating until your lungs turn black, WBC, and it’s not going to change anything: Your husband doesn’t need your consent to obtain a divorce.
Now, you don’t say whether your husband offered to stay if you quit drinking and smoking—and if he didn’t, WBC, then booze and smokes aren’t the issue—but you’re clearly unwilling to give up your indulgences to save your marriage, as you do not wish to be “controlled,” which means that your marriage is over.
I’m a straight guy. My former roommate, also a straight guy, calls all his ex-girlfriends “fucking bitches.” He went on a date with a neighbor. He told me that she was a “fucking bitch” and that she drunk-dialed him several times at 3:00 a.m. She told me, unprompted, that he drunk-dialed her at 3:00 a.m. after she refused to have sex with him.
Do I have any obligation to warn women about him? My friends and I were debating this hypothetically until two days ago, when I saw him on a date with a woman I know. Do I tell her what a douche this guy is?
What Would Dan Do?
If this douche weren’t so transparent—if women didn’t see through him instantly—Dan would feel obligated to warn his female friends. But as this douche is transparent, WWDD, Dan wouldn’t feel obligated to warn women away. Don’t get Dan wrong: Dan would still warn anyone he knew who (1) has a pussy and (2) isn’t a crazy bitch, because Dan’s a meddling douche. But Dan wouldn’t feel obligated. So it’s your call, WWDD.
Do I have a duty to disclose to my wife that a guy licked my balls?
Balls Already Licked Last Summer
There’s more to this question—a lot more—and I actually answered it already. BALLS’s question was the Savage Love Letter of the Day last Wednesday. Folks with the Savage Love app (SLAPP) for iPhone get the letter of the day delivered directly to their phones. To find out what happened to BALLS’s balls, and what he told the wife, get SLAPPed.
CONFIDENTIAL TO CAROLINE AT EMU AND RYAN AT PSU: Thanks for being such wonderful hosts!
DTMFA.
I have loved and adored solely male-to-female transgenders and transsexuals for a good few years now. At this point I can’t really imagine being with anyone else.
It’s honestly a shame that transgenders and transsexuals here consider themselves either one or the other (male or female), or want to be considered that way, and as such see transfans such as myself as being sick or sleazy. I’m not denying that sick and sleazy transfans exist, generally those who are in fact fetishists and do it simply because it’s a total fetish, ignoring the humanity of the people they’re with in exchange for the chance to bed a dickgirl. But there are other transfans out there, such as myself, who see transgenders as truly and seriously beautiful of their own merit. To me, they’re more feminine and lovely than anything, and worthy of just as much love as anyone else, love which I truly want to give them, in a romantic sense, not even necessarily a sexual one. I’d even date a transgender who wasn’t at all interested in sex, I really would, simply because it’s just everything about them which drives me wild.
As for sexual identity, I identify as neither gay nor straight nor bisexual. Sexuality is such a liquid thing that labeling myself would be a useless gesture. I suppose ‘transfan’ has to suffice for now.
A final note to transgenders and transsexuals: Please don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I know there are a lot of sleazy guys out there who would love you and leave you, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t guys out there who want to have a serious, loving, tender relationship with you.
PS as a matter of speaking, though, I do from time to time identify as gay, and yes, I have from time to time been known to be into the very softest, feminine of non-transgender men. So do not ever think that there is an interest in transgenders exclusively because some “straight guy wants just a little bit of cock,” it isn’t so simple, and to put it in such simple terms degrades both those who love transgenders and I think to a good extent transgenders themselves, and that’s never something which should be okay.
Here’s a link to http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…‘ letter…
All these people whining about how they don’t have the kind of phones where they can get the Savage Love app – even near the end of the thread! – are an interesting indication that a lot of people don’t actually read the other comments, they just want to have their say. I know you won’t read this, people without fancy phones, but the Q&A you want to read is available online & always was & several people have told you exactly where to find it!
@91– I admit that all I have to bring to the table is is anecdotal arguments. Just like any claim you currently have that cheaters are generally considerate enough to their spouse to not get them sick. Both of our arguments are flawed.
It’s possible that the “get tested” comments are aimed at the cheaters not as a judgement on the cheater themselves but as a reminder that the cheater is having sex with someone who may be openly supportive of dishonesty in relationships. Because Dan has gotten plenty of letters from people who cheat on their SO’s just to find out the one they’re cheating with is *gasp* not trustworthy, relationship-wise.
Again, purely anecdotal with a dose of speculation on my end, but there are people who become too comfortable with scorpions to forget what it might mean to carry one on their back. No matter how much you think you know the situation and the players involved, every now and again someone will act seemingly out of character and fuck things up for a large group of people.
Anything I have to say on your fallacy-laden ‘seatbelt’ argument was already handled by @93 who covered that far more eloquently than I could have; which I do appreciate even as she points out a valid flaw in my own argument (but without being a jerk about it or insulting my intelligence).
@106:
Do you care if they’re pre- or post-op? Just curious.
A person who looks like a woman and has a penis is freakish. How can anyone find such desirable? If I were into penises I would want it attached to someone who looks like a man. Preferable, a normal looking man who looks typical and average. If I got with a transvestite who initially looked like a woman but discovered during the undressing or feeling that the person had male parts I would freak out.
I have to agree with those who have said that someone with a fetish or specific desire for trans women is not necessarily bi. A bi person may actually have such a desire, but so could a straight or gay person or the vast numbers of people who don’t fit any strict category. But as Dan says in the last para, bi at base means ‘lover of men and women’, not lover of ‘women with either masculine or feminine genitalia’.
This is not pertinent to today’s Savage Love, but I friggin’ LOVE you, Dan!
I agree with your public statements and applaud your initiatives. You’re my cultural hero and I’d definitely have your baby if: 1.) I could have babies to begin with 2.) You didn’t have a husband already and 3.) you didn’t have a child already too.
You’re handsome, smart, articulate and a fierce advocate. I will continue to love you unrequited (which is actually fine by me) from afar.
Jim
@113:
But what about those of us who are specifically attracted to someone with certain genitalia? Am I ‘bi’ because I’m attracted to both men and women with female genitalia, but no one with male genitalia? That seems strange to me.
I think it would be more accurate to say that attraction can be divided in many different ways. It can be whether the person is a woman or a man, regardless of genitalia. Or, it can be about the genitalia, regardless of the person’s gender.
Just wanted to make a few comments on “cheating” from one who has been there. I found out my husband of 8 years cheated on me, and was devastated. DEVASTATED. We were both unhappy, but sex was not lacking. My choice was emotionally withdraw, his was to cheat. Neither of us knew the other was unhappy.
No one not a part of this marriage has the right to pass judgment on either choice – you don’t know the details – but suffice to say our choices had negative impacts on both of us. What we both recognize is his choice was far more hurtful, far more deceitful, and had a broader reaching impact than mine (his mistress was also married). Had either of us been adult enough to COMMUNICATE and be HONEST, the pain may have been better mitigated. So, point #1: Don’t be a douche, don’t lie and open up to your chosen life partner. You owe it to each other and your relationship, even if you don’t get the results you were hoping for. A relationship ending honestly is far better for the psyche and easier to heal from than a relationship that continues (or ends) under a lie.
My husband has a PhD in biology and works in the medical field, thus is more aware than some of the risks of having unprotected sex. However, he put our lives at risk by having unprotected sex anyway. Obviously “brains” did not come into the picture. Beside the trauma of realizing that your loved one thinks so little of you to put you at risk that way, the horror of the realization that you could be physically affected for life (either through STD or Pregnancy) by a choice you had little control over is a mind fuck to say the least. He had to be reminded to be tested, didn’t even think about it. So, Point #2, for those of you selfish asshats who “don’t need to be told” to use protection when cheating: STFU and use protection for the sake of the person you used to like enough to fuck.
Gee Dan, thought all your T-shirts said “pitcher” Way to ruin the fantasy…
@111: Depends on the operation. As far as sexual preference goes, in fact my preference is for actually *no* operation, and I have a serious appetite for rather young (very late teens, early-to-mid 20s, still in my age range, really), pretty shy crossdressers. But as far as romance goes, I don’t restrict myself to anyone, not even to transgenders, although again, shy, feminine guys and shy, feminine crossdressers especially drive me just up a wall crazy for them.
@112: Well that’s your business that you consider them freakish. Congratulations, you live in America, where it is perfectly legal to freak the fuck out about something harmless and dare I say attractive beyond measure (but of course, that’s just me). Just do me a favor and don’t start pressing your dumbass fear of breaking out of gender norms onto others.
I could be totally wrong on this, and I don’t know you, so I’m not at all claiming to speak for you, but it seems to me that it could be very likely that the reason you think of them as freakish is because of people like you who think of them as freakish and pass that on socially. People like to call it a crime against nature or some dumb zealous noise like that. The truth is that there have been footnotes on gender roles in countless civilizations throughout history. Currently, and thankfully, we’ve got a pendulum swing sort of thing heading back towards more open acceptance of this.
I’m not saying you’re an ass for being all “well, it’s freakish, penises should be on guys,” you go ahead and do that. I’m saying that you have the freedom to do that, so let me have the freedom to think of them as incredible and lovely. I myself and a good number of transgenders and genderqueer individuals I know live under a sort of umbrella fear of the people like you who gain power and then act on their feelings of disgust and revulsion, resulting in things like “morality crimes” and the like. Currently, there isn’t really anything for transgenders or transfans such as myself, but there’s always that fear.
Dan you are THE MAN. Keep up the good job, you are driving the christians even more crazy than they were before. They think they are so smart networking to stop gay marriage and anybody who will not go along with their hate and lies. It is time for them to go. What do they call it the rapture, well drink the Jim Jones christian kool aid and you will be in heaven.