I have been married for 16 years and have three children. My marriage isn’t the best, nor is the sex. I have strayed many times, and it’s always been with women—I love women and I love having sex with women. However, for years I have had a fantasy about being with a transsexual. I recently paid to be with a T-girl escort. She was flipping gorgeous. She had a dick, sure, but she was the hottest fucking girl I have ever seen—absolutely gorgeous. She talked like a girl, looked like a girl, smelled like a girl, had the body of a girl—she was all girl, except for the unit. I have no interest in being with a man. Does seeing this T-girl make me gay?
Walked On The Wild Side
You’re not gay, WOTWS, but you’re not exactly straight either.
There are other points along the gay/straight continuum, WOTWS, and anyone resourceful enough to track down a flipping gorgeous T-girl should be smart enough to figure out where he falls along the gay/straight continuum. But let me end the suspense: You’re a teensy, weensy bit bisexual, WOTWS, just another mostly straight dude who’s into women, into cock, and into women with cocks. But you’re not into dudes, not at all. Just women. And cock.
I’m going to catch hell for this, but hey, I don’t have three “Catcher” T-shirts for nothing: While you’ve got a touch of the bi—just a bit, mostly around your tonsils—you’re not obligated to identify as bi.
An awful lot of “rounding up” and “rounding down” goes on when it comes to sexual identities. There are bi women out there who round themselves up to lesbian because they’re with women or primarily attracted to women or afraid of mean lesbians who hate bi women. (Some of those mean lesbians are, predictably enough, bi themselves.) Some bi guys in gay relationships round themselves up to gay; a small number of gays and lesbians round themselves down to bi in solidarity or something; and lots of bi men and women in straight relationships round themselves down to straight. (And there are gay men and lesbians—100 percent homos—who identify as straight. These closet cases aren’t rounding up or down; they’re lying.)
Backing way the hell up: Sexual identity is a combo platter. There’s who you wanna do, who you are doing, and who you tell people you are. You can’t control who you wanna do—sexual orientation is not a choice—but you get to choose who you wind up doing and who you tell people you are. Don’t wanna have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do. Don’t wanna be a messy closet case à la Haggard, Craig, and Rekers? Tell the truth about who you’re doing.
It all seems so black and white, doesn’t it? But that’s because we backed way the hell up. Pull in close and you’ll be able to see the gray—grays like you, WOTWS, guys who are flamboyantly, flamingly, screamingly gray.
I’m a big supporter of gray rights, WOTWS, so I’m not telling you that you’re obligated to identify as bi, WOTWS, even if that is the black-and-white truth. But “bi” means “attracted to men and women,” and you’re not attracted to men. You’re into girls who talk like girls, look like girls, smell like girls, etc., and some of the girls you’re into happen to have dicks. And since trans women are women—even those trans women who’ve decided to keep the genitals they were born with—it’s closer to your truth, if not the truth, for you to identify as straight.
My husband of 10 years has decided to end our marriage due to my occasional indulgences in alcohol and cigarettes. I do not smoke and drink every day. I admit that in the beginning of our courtship I did not tell him about my indulgences. I hid them. After we were married, I was careful not to smoke or drink when we were together. My question is, should I allow my marriage to dissolve due to our differences? I want my husband to love and accept me for the person I am, and I do not want to be controlled.
Won’t Be Controlled
Someone who wants to be loved and accepted for the person she is, WBC, shouldn’t mislead her gentleman callers.
That said, WBC, I assume your husband didn’t find out about the booze and cigarettes yesterday. So the booze and cigarettes, if those are the only reasons your husband gave for wanting to end this marriage, may symbolize a larger pattern of deceit that has long troubled your husband. Or it’s possible the booze and cigarettes are a face-saving dodge: Perhaps your husband is blaming the booze and cigarettes to avoid telling you some harsher truth. Or maybe there’s something about himself that he would rather avoid disclosing. Or maybe he’s an asshole and he’s blaming the booze and cigarettes in order to shift all the blame for the failure of this marriage onto your shoulders.
We can sit here speculating until your lungs turn black, WBC, and it’s not going to change anything: Your husband doesn’t need your consent to obtain a divorce.
Now, you don’t say whether your husband offered to stay if you quit drinking and smoking—and if he didn’t, WBC, then booze and smokes aren’t the issue—but you’re clearly unwilling to give up your indulgences to save your marriage, as you do not wish to be “controlled,” which means that your marriage is over.
I’m a straight guy. My former roommate, also a straight guy, calls all his ex-girlfriends “fucking bitches.” He went on a date with a neighbor. He told me that she was a “fucking bitch” and that she drunk-dialed him several times at 3:00 a.m. She told me, unprompted, that he drunk-dialed her at 3:00 a.m. after she refused to have sex with him.
Do I have any obligation to warn women about him? My friends and I were debating this hypothetically until two days ago, when I saw him on a date with a woman I know. Do I tell her what a douche this guy is?
What Would Dan Do?
If this douche weren’t so transparent—if women didn’t see through him instantly—Dan would feel obligated to warn his female friends. But as this douche is transparent, WWDD, Dan wouldn’t feel obligated to warn women away. Don’t get Dan wrong: Dan would still warn anyone he knew who (1) has a pussy and (2) isn’t a crazy bitch, because Dan’s a meddling douche. But Dan wouldn’t feel obligated. So it’s your call, WWDD.
Do I have a duty to disclose to my wife that a guy licked my balls?
Balls Already Licked Last Summer
There’s more to this question—a lot more—and I actually answered it already. BALLS’s question was the Savage Love Letter of the Day last Wednesday. Folks with the Savage Love app (SLAPP) for iPhone get the letter of the day delivered directly to their phones. To find out what happened to BALLS’s balls, and what he told the wife, get SLAPPed.
CONFIDENTIAL TO CAROLINE AT EMU AND RYAN AT PSU: Thanks for being such wonderful hosts!
Cigarettes and ALCOHOL? What are you, Mormon?
Cigarettes and ALCOHOL? What are you, Mormon?
“Backing way the hell up: Sexual identity is a combo platter. There’s who you wanna do, who you are doing, and who you tell people you are. You can’t control who you wanna do—sexual orientation is not a choice—but you get to choose who you wind up doing and who you tell people you are. Don’t wanna have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do. Don’t wanna be a messy closet case à la Haggard, Craig, and Rekers? Tell the truth about who you’re doing.”
Does Dan always read EVERY comment and reply secretly through his next SL? >.>
I love listening to/reading tobacco addicts go on about “not being controlled!” They sure do love being controlled by their addictions, though, don’t they?
I’m sorry but why is everyone assuming the wife doesn’t in Letter 1 doesn’t know her husband is cheating?!? Do YOU know she’s not aware?!?
I am a woman…and thus have many girlfriends and friends of girlfriends etc. I am constantly amazed at how MANY women I know take the stance of “He can cheat, as long as he keeps it out of my face, continues to provide for the family and is generally otherwise available. It doesn’t really matter anyhow I’m doing Person X from the office/PTA Meeting/Gym etc”
So yeah all this outrage about Dan not making a fuss about infidelity is a bit ridiculous. YOU morals aren’t everyone elses’. Making mass generalizations of “YOU cannot do this or that in a marriage…” are so tired. People do DO what they want in a marriage and unless you are in it you have no idea what the terms are.
Oh and also very tired is the stock response of “Get tested for STDs” whenever someone is cheating. I mean really…if someone has managed to successfully cheat (or has permission to cheat) why this great assumption that in the middle of the plotting and planning they must have suddenly lost all logic and gone without protection?!? I don’t get it.
It’s kinda like telling people “Smoking is bad!”. Well duh…”Use protection” kind of falls under the same category. Well of course you are going to wrap it up with a hooker. Or am I giving people too much credit?!?
Ah my outrage over some of the sanctimonious comments = many typos. Please excuse…I’m usually a fair bit more conscientious about my typing.
And @50-Neptune, very much in agreement with you. The LW’s question wasn’t related to cheating at all!
I’ve wondered if straight men are into t-girls because they so often act and dress like a stereotype of hyper-femininity seen in few biological females.
“Don’t wanna have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do.”
and what do you do
when you aren’t the ‘who’
of the people
who you want to do?
@60 use your imagination with whoever you do rate (even if that’s only your hand).
@57 – you said – I am constantly amazed at how MANY women I know take the stance of “He can cheat, as long as he keeps it out of my face,”
How does this come up, among you and your girl friends? Does it start with listening to them complain about the cheating, and then after a couple of years of that, when their friends are sick of hearing them moan about it, do they then develop the sense of acceptance that you’re talking about? Or does it hit at a certain age? Because I’m in midlife, and I also know quite a few women, and none have ever told me that it’s okay with them if their husband cheats. (Not counting poly & open folks, of course, because that’s not cheating….)
@61 if that’s an acceptable alternative, why doesn’t everyone just do that and save themselves a lot of time and misery?
@63, I’m confused, isn’t that pretty much what everyone does? They get the person who is willing to do them and is most like what they want, and then they use their imaginations to make it even hotter?
go download your app? really?
what about us poor slobs who haven’t bought into the iPhone fad?
come on Dan, don’t do this to your loyal readers, either answer letters in Savage Love or don’t bother posting them at all…
@65, Quit whining, you somehow managed to get online, it will take you no effort to find Dan’s response to BALLS on Slog.
ARRGH! After two people linked the blog in the comments, people are STILL bitching? Go read it there, it’s funnier with the comments anyway.
I find it, uh, we’ll say, *semantically* interesting that one rounds down to hetero or bisexuality. Homo’s the top of the heap, eh? Is this a kinsey-scale reference? Personal bias? Or a deliberate inversion of the expected bias?
I’m not offended by it. I just think it’s interesting.
What about us poor slobs with out iPhones? Why is the letter of the day hid from us who won’t drink the cider of the evil empire?
@BEG: Dan advocates lying all the time, though for what he considers to be good reasons: lying to parents supporting you when you can’t support yourself about sexual identity if you think telling the truth will end that, lying to a partner about porn usage if sie is being crazy about it, lying to a partner about infidelity if sie is being unreasonable in hir demands about sexuality e.g. “I’m not going to fuck you and you can’t fuck other people”, etc. Also, maybe one of these days when I’m bored at work (tomorrow?), I’ll look into doing speech-to-text of the podcasts and editing the probably-crappy transcription so you can participate in the full range of Savage glory. Unless you already have Dragon or something similar, which is probably going to do a much better job than the free alternatives I can find.
@67 I’m starting to think they’re yanking our chains by this point o.O
@68 I think it’s simply a matter of rounding down a relatively small amount of gay.
If the situations were reversed – say, a gay man who liked an occasional dip into pussy – he could choose to round down that bit of het and still identify as gay.
@57
THANK YOU! The unending chorus of “Well, I hope you use protection” is so much self-righteous bullshit, and it makes me feel so stabby! I mean, do you tell every car-traveling person you speak with “Well, I hope you wore your seatbelt”?
Those of us who indulge in sex with multiple partners take a calculated risk that we are well aware of. Walking out of your house on any given day is risky, but most people do it. So is cooking. So is driving.
I appreciate your concern, but I do not need your reminder to act responsibly. Despite the non-judgmental disclaimer that always precedes it, it’s a not-so-subtle reminder that you’re actually judging my behavior, and it just makes you look like a turd.
I don’t believe in bi.
In a year or two, “Wild Side” will be gay, out and proud, sleeping with feminine men who aren’t girls at all.
so tell me Dan, is being a “teensy, weensy bit bisexual” like being a little bit pregnant?
@75, I’m not Dan, but I’d say no. Mostly because one is possible and the other is not.
Lol @ 73!!!
but yet, you should be used to the sactimonous BULLSHIT that flies, I know I am!!!
See if you have heard these before: “Why don’t you try to work it out with your parnter….communicate” (Well, what afucking knee slapper, WHY didn’t I think of that???). Or how about “Why don’t you just leave? Cheating is the WORST THING a person could ever do!!!!” (Ummmm, no leaving my children and ripping apart my family is the worst thing I could ever do)
So I guess my alternative is to go with out sex. Fuck THAT.
@77 badgirl, you have your reasons for what you do, but I would rather my husband left than lied to me for years and years. The kids will survive divorce, the adults will survive, and everyone will get to live their actual life, not a simulacrum of a disney marriage that falls apart whenever I finally figure out that it was all fake.
@74 — A lot of people don’t believe in “gay”. They just think there are a number of straight people sinning by choosing to have sex with people of the same sex.
I’m bi — do I exist?
Ironically, I did ask to leave, even before I strayed; he has caught me before, and still wanted to “work things out”, HE promised to change… Perhaps if my lover were availible, perhaps if kids were not in the picture, perhaps if it were worse at home….as of now, it is what it is. Judging someone over a misdemenor like infidelity….
There are far worse crimes one can commit, especially if one is not privy to what actually goes on in a marriage.
@57 and 73 — I think the sheer number of people who catch something off of cheating SO’s suggests there’s still a need to remind folks to get tested. Sure, folks who knowingly sleep with multiple partners and know how to Do It Right is one thing, but a lot of cheaters find excuses to justify dodging the issue because they think it’ll make it easier for them to get caught or something.
I am surprised that Dan missed the boat about the guy into TS women. There is quite a bit of evidence in the literature to suggest that “tranny chasing” is a distinct paraphilia, unrelated to homosexuality or bisexuality. The guy may simply be into chicks with dicks and never have any interest in normally equipped guys. As a TV myself, I can tell you that there are a lot of guys out there who want to get into my panties (no thanks, not my thing), but who otherwise are turned on only by women. I wouldn’t call them “bi” or “gray”.
I am surprised that Dan missed the boat about the guy into TS women. There is quite a bit of evidence in the literature to suggest that “tranny chasing” is a distinct paraphilia, unrelated to homosexuality or bisexuality. The guy may simply be into chicks with dicks and never have any interest in normally equipped guys. As a TV myself, I can tell you that there are a lot of guys out there who want to get into my panties (no thanks, not my thing), but who otherwise are turned on only by women. I wouldn’t call them “bi” or “gray”.
@81 “Pansy”? Nice. Didn’t know that believing that women shouldn’t be called “fucking bitches” was a gay signifier. Thanks for pointing that out.
@81: “He offers us 3 “facts”: 1) The x-Roomie calls women “fucking bitches”; 2} He said the Girl drunk-called him; 3) Girl says he drunk-called her… Facts 2 and 3 cancel each other.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie
Hi Dan. Not sure if you’ll ever read this comment. Nevertheless, this is the best stuff I’ve EVER heard you say about bisexuality. I have usually came to expect something at least slightly biphobic and I have to admit I really like what you wrote! I don’t see any reason why you should catch heat for it. (Beyond the whole shades of gray means you are never “really” anything. Long, largely irrelevant thought there.)
yes he is gay,still has a penis. the boobs are just a facade. wait till he gets rid of the wiener and then its just being courious.
some times you feel like some nuts …… some time’s you don’t ! almond joy , or mounds .flippin , or floppin it’s still a fish . The kid’s in the hall say it’s only gay if you do it 3 time’s . opinions are like ass hole’s , every one’s got one and it usually stink’s . Bottom line , you were bi when you made the date . you were gay when you were catching , bi when you were pitchin . Marilyn Manson said it best – if you suck a dick for curiousity , it’s just that . if you do it for business your not gay . if you do it to get your dick sucked in return your bi . if your dick get hard while you were sucking it your gay ! Hope that helped !
@12, I don’t want to profess to speak for Dan, but my takeaway from his columns has always been that non-monagamy can be ok, but cheating is almost never ok. And they aren’t the same thing.
@82 and just how many do these “sheer numbers” amount to? I’m curious because I’m yet to see any real numbers on this cheating-spouses-bring-STDs-home.
Roughly 43,443 people die in car accidents each year in the US (look it up). Does your “sheer number” equal close to that? I’m going to guess not.
And yet I certainly don’t see/read comments from people insisting anyone getting into a car wear a seatbelt. Why don’t we get the “Ooh you are driving?!? Wear a seatbelt” parade of comments then? I mean 43,443 deaths per year is no joke right?
Oh well I stand by the fact that the tired refrain to cheaters of “OOh get tested for STDs” is mostly based in judgement and not much more. But of course feel free to stand by your own facts.
@81, why do bad guys deserve girlfriends? Having a partner is not a right. We have to work to build trust and respect with other people. A guy who refers who women as “fucking bitches” is never going to get a woman to respect him.
@91
I agree that it’s condescending and stupid to remind adulterers that you can in fact get STIs from sex, but your argument is not sound. Car accident-related deaths are a matter of public record and there is no ambiguity. STIs from cheating are extremely difficult to account for. Partly this is because most STIs are not fatal, but also because these statistics rely on people telling the truth. For car crashes, the sample size in the entire country; for STIs you might get stats about an increase or decrease in certain diseases, but there is simply no way to accurately determine who has gotten an STI from infidelity. The best people can manage is a survey, but this will never give us hard numbers. This is the real flaw in @82’s argument; you can’t argue about facts that don’t exist.
WBC: Typical alcoholic. Your ass deserves to get dumped already, motherfucker.
I don’t know how this got to be about cheating statistics, but IMO the most under disclosed figure in any type of polling is that of the number of women who cheat. Men are less concerned about the social stigma attached to being a “cheating spouse” vs. that of women. Many women, therefore, not only fabricate about the fact that they have cheated to pollsters, they convince themselves that there activities don’t amount to cheating.
“Oh sure, I blew my sales manager in the bathroom during the Christmas party, but that’s not cheating”. It’s unfortunately a societal conditioning that makes men less ashamed to admit or be perceived as the cheater vs. the woman. After all, the 75% of cheating husbands aren’t all cheating with the same 20% of cheating wives.
I would like to address the last letter regarding informing women of the douchiness of a man. I would encourage you to tell women about this guy. Even if he is transparent they can be sly, slip by and possibly harm one of these women. I was in a situation a few years ago where a man kept asking me out and I kept refusing until one day after a series of stressful event led me to let my guard down, “Oh he can’t be so bad.” This guy ended up date raping me. Far too many of my friends who watched him pursue me didn’t say anything because they didn’t trust what they felt about him, not a single person was surprised that he capable of rape. If they had said something I NEVER would have let my guard down and had to live through the terrible experience and aftermath of being raped. Say something.
Dear WWDO:
The real point here, WWDO, is why don’t you tell this dude to stop disrepecting women in your presence? Tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s not cool to call his exes “fucking bitches.”
Are we ever going to get SLAPP for Android? 🙁
When tempted to cheat (i.e., lie to someone you’re in a relationship with), first try to fix the relationship by being honest and kind about what you’re not getting. “I wanna stay with you but the the lack of sex / interesting sex is a dealbreaker for me.” Be honest about what you want and how hard you’re willing to work with your partner to get it. After you’ve given it your best and it still won’t work, then break up with kindness and dignity, and look for someone you’re compatible with.
To stay and live a lie is cowardly, lazy, immature and selfish. It’s probably not something you’d be thrilled with if someone else did it to you. You’re just trying to avoid facing reality, or trying to stay comfortable, at someone else’s expense. It sucks and is shameful. It’s a hideous thing to model for children (and yeah, on some level they know a lie is being lived and they suffer).
I guess I’m the only one who thought it was odd that she said she drank only “occasionally” rather than saying she didn’t drink very much or was only a mild drinker, or social drinker. Binge drinkers only drink occasionally but they drink too much at once and can make complete fools of themselves. Having to deal with someone who is “only” an occasional drunk is still no picnic.
Or he could have just had a bad experience in a previous relationship with someone who turned out to be an alcoholic. I’d be willing to give up drinking for a spouse if there was some reason for it, even if it was an irrational fear on his part. Alcohol just isn’t that important.
Maybe he is a control freak, but we don’t even know what his stated rationale is for objecting to her drinking. Cigarettes are one thing – even mild amounts of cigarette smoke in one’s own home when you don’t smoke is just annoying. But most people who object to someone else’s drinking have a reason to, even if the drinker doesn’t see it that way. I’m thinking she’s either a binge drinker and/or she has a tendency to do something stupid or annoying when she has that occasional drink.
@101
No, I thought the same thing. That letter was incredibly odd.
@13 and 16 Dudes, just check the blog and scroll down to last Wednesday. It was a funny letter…
Yo Dan. I know it seems that “everyone” has the iphone these days, but “everyone” isn’t everyone. I’d like to read the answer to BALLS, but now I can’t….