I’m a 21-year-old woman with bi-curious tendencies who’s been in a committed relationship for four years. He’s sweet and kind. We share a lot of interests and get along very well. Thing is, I don’t know if I’m meant to be in a committed relationship. For the past year and a half, I’ve been thinking about what things would be like with another man. I also frequently imagine what it might be like to sleep with another girl. In fact, whenever I’m masturbating, I get more excited by lesbian scenarios than straight scenarios—although I’ve never been able to come. I’ve never experienced an orgasm. But that’s another can of worms.

I’m open to the possibility of a threesome, but my boyfriend isn’t. He’s completely against the idea. From the start, I’ve never hidden the fact that I’ve never reached orgasm, and he’s never created any macho drama about that.

I’ve slowly come to the realization that I’m no longer sexually attracted to my boyfriend. I don’t have the motivation to improve our sex life anymore. I just go through the motions. At the same time, my boyfriend remains my best friend, and I’m not willing to give up my best friend over sex. I want to keep him in my life, as he is my most important source of emotional support.

Have My Cake

You can have your current boyfriend, HMC, at the price of a lousy and uninspired sex life with a guy who doesn’t give a shit about your pleasure—excuse me, a partner who hasn’t created a lot of “macho drama” about the fact that you’ve never had an orgasm and isn’t interested in helping you realize your fantasies—or you can find a new boyfriend and/or girlfriend and perhaps discover that orgasms are easier to come by when you’re with someone who (1) turns you on, and (2) gives a shit about your pleasure, and (3) hasn’t come to symbolize the death of sexual possibility.

Giving up the current boyfriend means you’ll have to find a new emotional tampon—excuse me, a new “source of emotional support”—but that’s a price that you should be willing to pay, HMC, particularly at your age.

And if you don’t want to find yourself boyfriendless and bestfriendless ever again, HMC, in the future keep those roles separate.

I’m a 26-year-old heterosexual male in a relationship with a 25-year-old female. I’m her first boyfriend. She’s never had an orgasm that wasn’t self-induced. I’ve asked her multiple times what I can do to try to get her off, but she doesn’t really have anything to tell me. There’s a lot of trial and error going on. I feel like I’m kind of flying blind. Help please?

This Question Again

If she can get herself off, TQA, then she should be able to get herself off while you assist. Let her get herself off while you watch, while you hold her, while you suck on her tits, while she sits on your face. Gradually work your way up to her getting herself off while you’re inside her.

Don’t make the “macho drama” mistake of viewing the orgasms she self-induces while you’re there as somehow deficient or dysfunctional. The more you can relax and enjoy the orgasms she’s self-inducing now—the more you can both relax and enjoy them—the sooner she’ll be able to relax, enjoy, and, perhaps, transition to orgasms induced by someone else/someone else’s dick.

If you want that someone else/someone else’s dick to be you/yours, TQA, then don’t be an impatient, insecure, macho drama queen about the way she’s capable of having orgasms now.

I am a woman who is with the love of her life. I enjoy sex immensely but have begun to fake orgasms because it hurts him that he is not making me come. I believe the obstruction is psychological. I am self-conscious about my body and can only come using a vibrator while looking at pictures of women with nice boobs. I fantasize that I am both the woman in possession of these assets and the person lusting after her. I am certain of my sexual orientation: I did quite a bit of experimenting with beautiful women, but they did nothing for me. Any insights?

Breasts On Other Babes

Stop faking, BOOB, and start incorporating your vibrator and your fantasies into the sex you’re having with the boyfriend. Your boyfriend needs to talk a boob-esteem-building blue streak while you fuck—he needs to tell you how hot your breasts are, how much they turn him on—and you need to use your vibrator on yourself and fantasize aloud about the assets you’ve got and the assets you lust after while you two are fucking.

You know what works for you, BOOB, you just have to risk sharing it with the love of your life.

I am an 18-year-old straight girl. I am also a virgin. After my 18th birthday, I bought a small vibrator. I love it—it’s completely changed masturbation and I reached orgasm for the first time. However, I’m worried about developing a dependence on it. Should I hold off on using it until I get some real experience?

Teen With A Tech

Enjoy your vibrator, TWAT, and enjoy those orgasms—but mix it up. Masturbate with your vibrator and without; see how worked up you can get through fantasy alone; get yourself close to the edge and finish yourself off with your hand; experiment with nonvibrating, inanimate sex toys. And when you start having sexual experiences with nonvibrating, animate sex toys (boys), don’t be shy about introducing them—or their genitals—to your vibrator. Dicks are just big clits, TWAT, and vibrators can work wonders on dicks, too.

I am in college and in a super-fantastic relationship. We have fun together and we have great sex. However, he doesn’t orgasm when I blow him or give him a handjob. He says he’s never been able to come from blowjobs or handjobs. I don’t mind going straight to vaginal intercourse after blowing him for a bit, although I sometimes encourage him to finish himself off and ejaculate in my mouth. It’s not like I’m offended; I’d just like to get him there.

I have a tiny mouth and tiny hands—could that be the problem? He says it doesn’t have anything to do with me. He just plateaus. HOW DO I SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, DAN? Is our sex life condemned to, God forbid, just vaginal intercourse?

Barely Licking Over Wide
Junk Of Boyfriend

What’s the opposite of macho drama? Vulvo drama?

Look, BLOWJOB, if you’re both giving and receiving oral, and giving and receiving handjobs, then you haven’t been “condemned” to “just” vaginal intercourse. You’re having all kinds of sex—it’s just that he requires something very specific in order to get off. If there are times when you want to mess around without being fucked, or times when you’re not up for vaginal intercourse, just get him as close as you can and let him finish himself off with his hand.

Your boyfriend is orgasmic, BLOWJOB—THERE’S NO PROBLEM HERE TO SOLVE.

mail@savagelove.net

170 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. Does anyone ever get the impression that most of the letters that Dan prints must come from people who’ve never read the column, because, if they had, they would know the answers to the questions they send?

    How many “I can’t come,” “I can’t make my boyfriend/girlfriend come,” “my boyfriend/girlfriend is upset that he/she can’t make me come,” etc. questions do we have to deal with?

    Sorry – I’m very cranky today. I can’t come.

  3. OMG i’m first.
    I’m sure for the time I post I won’t be anymore.

    And I have a question.
    “Dicks are just big clits, TWAT, and vibrators can work wonders on dicks, too.”
    Are you talking on experience? I’ve thought of buying one, just for fun. And that statement excites me.

  5. I feel like I have been in all of the above situations and now, at age 28 happily married with two kids, I’m finally having non-vibrator induced orgasms with my seriously awesome husband. It took a lot of years, talking, experimenting and GGGing.

    It helps that we’re both long-time Savage readers.

  6. There are guys who want MFM threesomes but without any kind of homo contact, and there exist straight guys and lesbians. As I can’t seem to understand how men or women would like clits, I pretty much understand there is people who don’t want threesomes, especially knowing there are actually many gay couples that wanna stay that way.

  7. My sex life improved immensely when I learned to think of stuff like this not as “issues” but as individual quirks and preferences. For fuck’s (literally) sake, just enjoy yourself!

  8. @1 exactly. After reading the column for a few years I can almost anticipate what dan’s response will be to these types of questions.

  11. The problem that BLOWJOB is obsessing over is one that I have as well- my cock just isn’t that sensitive. I can get off with a wank, but my wife can’t get me there my hand or mouth. (It has the added benefit of giving me a lot of stamina, though, so it’s not all bad.)

    As for the guy who doesn’t want a threesome- maybe he just doesn’t want to mess up a great relationship by including someone else in it? Unless you can detach your emotions from sex and view the third person as a playmate and nothing more (which most people can’t really manage), there is going to be some emotional impact that will affect the couple. Sounds like it’s headed down the tubes anyway, though…

  12. HaveMyCake doesn’t have to start by dumping her clueless boyfriend. She could tell him that her goal for the new year is to figure out how to have an orgasm, and he can either come along for the ride or not. Also, she wants to sleep with someone else, yet to be determined. He can come along for that too, or not.

    Maybe he’ll be cool with the whole thing, and support her, and maybe he’ll even open up about what turns him on… Or maybe he’ll walk (and she’ll see that he wasn’t really supporting her before, he was just controlling her).

    She won’t be any worse off than she is now, and she will be on the road to improving things greatly.

    Then, to put her New Year’s resolution into action, she should get herself a couple of vibes (one a Hitachi) and read a couple of sexy stories on literotica each day.

  13. I dunno Dan, vibrators don’t seem to do anything for my dick other than feel a little numb.

    Also, BLOWJOB, there are probably just as many guys out there who can’t get off from a woman’s (good or lousy) handjob or blowjob as women who can’t get off from a guy’s (equally good or lousy) fingering or cunnilingus.

  14. Funny, I could be BOOB (gets off alone but not partnered, has a quasi-narcissistic boob fetish) and my boyfriend could be BLOWJOB’s (doesn’t come from blowjobs or handjobs). Except neither of us is terribly troubled by this. How we are sexually is how we are… as long as we’re both enjoying ourselves, where’s the problem? I am working to increase my range and learn to come with a partner, but stressing out about it would be pretty counter-productive.

  15. I think HMC should also be reassured that there are literally billions of men in the world who would lose no sleep whatsoever over her lack of orgasm.

    Where could she get the idea that any guy would be upset? I blame those Twilight movies. Sheesh.

  18. Dan’s advice to TWAT is spot on.

    I would add, good for her for getting a vibe and starting to play with herself before being sexually active with partners. Knowing how you work is key to making it work with others. Enjoy the toys.

  19. I have a dear friend, blowjob, who swore he would marry the first girl who could get him off with oral. It’s not as easy as it seems and it only gets harder with age and more experienced partners. If he’s satisfied, let it be. If he’s not, then try talking about what you could do to make it better. And know, if it were really that bad, he wouldn’t be hard, much less begging for what really rocks his…um…rocks.

  20. It’s a little unfair to call it “macho drama”. Sometimes it is. But sometimes it’s just a partner who would love to feel like they are giving just as much pleasure as they receive. And it can be very frustrating.

    On the other hand, the only solution is to relax and try new things. Freaking out only makes things worse. The more it seems like you’re trying, the less likely it is to work. Eventually you find the way, or you don’t and move on.

  21. And to bring this around to one of Dan’s hobbyhorses, many guys worry that if they aren’t keeping their girlfriends satisfied the girlfriend will either a) leave him or b) marry him and then immediately stop having sex with him. The first is painful but okay; the second is a big problem.

  22. Apparently anyone you don’t FUCK but have a relationship with is an “emotional tampon.” I’ll be sure to let my friends and family know. Matter of fact — not sure why I’m wasting my time on any of them. If we don’t FUCK, then what’s the point?

  23. My boyfriend has macho drama over the fact that I can’t come during vaginal intercourse, even if he’s hitting all the right places! For some sick reason, my clit doesn’t feel right when he’s inside me, and he’s often complained about how it’s like his fingers do nothing. He also gets annoyed at how sore his wrists get in getting me of via masturbation, despite the fact that I spent 45 minutes on him in order to give him his first successful oral-induced orgasm. The lesson is that love and patience can over come even the most annoying sexual problem.

  24. Dan is full of shit in his response to HMC. I mean, Christ, a guy can’t win. If he’s unhappy that his girl can’t get off, then he’s accused of being insecure, or making her self-conscious or feel ashamed. But if he leaves it alone, then he’s accused of “not giving a shit about [her] sexual pleasure”. Fuck that noise.

    Maybe we should agree that ALL PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN ORGASMS, whether they’re men or women? And that if a woman hasn’t figured out how to get off, maybe it’s her responsibility to decide whether that’s a problem, not his? And that part of being an adult is not expecting another person to figure out your body for you?

    Having said that, @20 is bang on. It’s not “macho drama” to feel frustrated when you can’t get your partner off (or if when they get off it’s not that great for them, and can only happen in a very specific position, neurotic neurotic neurotic, etc.). People who can get off easily and consistently are usually more fun in bed, and anyone who wants to be fun in bed should figure that shit out.

  25. TQA — I’ve been there! For several months, actually, the only time I ever orgasmed with my boyfriend was when I did it myself. But:

    (a) he loved watching me

    and

    (b) I learned to love the extra stimulation from him after a few tries

    so that was fun for a long time, and eventually, yeah, sometimes I orgasm in other ways now too. I still quite like my hand, though.

    So I advise you to learn to love watching her get off, and be patient with that (let her take as long as she needs to; if she stops and says it isn’t working, just accept that and keep enjoying her company). The transition takes time, but it can be worth it.

  28. Re: Have My Cake — Easy there, Dan. You did read the part of her letter where she says “…I’ve never been able to come. I’ve never experienced an orgasm”…right? She made that pretty clear. Twice. Unless you edited out the words “with him” — twice — you are accusing him of not giving a shit, when the reality is she hasn’t figured out how to come herself. How the hell is he supposed to know how to do it when she doesn’t? How can he possibly have a more intimate connection with her state of arousal and instantaneous nerve feedback than she does herself? To hear you talk, she comes with a reference manual and an Ethernet port in her ass.

    As to why he is completely against the idea of a threesome, maybe that’s because he knows damned well that his girlfriend has already stuck him squarely in The Friend Zone, and that all it will take is her finding another man who actually excites her sexually and he’s out the door entirely.

    Message to the boyfriend, if he’s reading this: DTMFA. Why would you want to remain in a sexual relationship with someone who is not attracted to you, who is not aroused by you, who wants to fuck other people more than you? You want to be her best friend, fine, go ahead and be her best friend, but be honest about it being from the The Friend Zone. Meanwhile, go find yourself an actual girlfriend.

  29. Question to BLOWJOB: Why is it important to you that he comes as a result of what you are doing with your mouth/hands? Is this some sort of trophy for you?

    Seems to me you are making his orgasms be all about you. Don’t do that.

  30. @28 FTW:
    ‘To hear you talk, she comes with a reference manual and an Ethernet port in her ass….’
    That said, I do enjoy the themed weeks, Dan. Hilarious responses this week.

  31. Great column, but Dan seemed a bit grumpy. Maybe it’s because of what #1 said. How many times does he have to answer the same questions?

  32. I agree with @24 and @28. Girls are responsible for saying “I want an orgasm” if they want an orgasm. I asked my girl if she wanted an orgasm, and she said she didn’t care. So am I an asshole now?

    A man cannot stop fucking every thirty seconds saying “Do you still not care if you want an orgasm or not? Are you sure? Do you want me to help you? Do you want to completely lose the spontaneity of this moment?” It doesn’t work. If girls want something, they must say that they want it. NO ONE READS MINDS.

  33. @24:

    So, let me get this straight: according to you, anyone who isn’t highly orgasmic is at fault for their own condition, because obviously orgasmic capacity can be controlled by force of will and has nothing to do with nerve endings or neurotransmitters. Good to know.

  34. @32:

    So am I an asshole now?

    Given the overall self-centered tone of your comment, and the fact that you consistently refer to women as “girls,” I’m going to go out on a limb and say “yes,” as in “yes, you are an asshole.”

  35. I’m kind of surprised Dan didn’t mention to BLOWJOB that her boyfriend might have ‘deathgrip syndrome.’ He may be used to a certain amount of pressure from his own hand that he can’t get from her hand or mouth. Perhaps varying his grip during masturbation, or laying off the masturbation for a while, would help? Or she could just take Dan’s advice and get over it.

  36. With respect to advice given HMC (Dec.2), I doubt the wisdom of suggesting sex is not compatible with bestfriendmanship. It might apply to HMC, but not the world at large.

  37. #1, #31, et al:
    Dan is writing an *advice* column, not a column to feed your appetite for novelty, though hopefully, that’s often one and the same thing. He is *educating,* not necessarily entertaining his readership, and he needs to address the actual letter writers and their real concerns.
    Yes, we’ve seen this problem before: the fact that it’s so prevalent would seem to require the occasional readdressing of it. The letter writer (HMC)is 21, and has been with her bf since she was 19. Perhaps we’ve all been reading Dan for the past 10 years, but she may not have. Maybe she hasn’t read anything about human sexuality until recently. She is having a problem; she wrote to the sex-advice columnist. Sorry (for you) that her problem was so humdrum and didn’t involve pitbull sodomy, but I guarantee you that if it was *your* problem, you’d want a little help with it.

  38. This is the most helpful column ever! Seriously, it summed up ALL the questions I ever thought of asking Dan Savage!

    Well except for the last one… how is that a problem?

    But really, great column! Thank you! I have common traits with all three of the women, and their problems are also mine. Thanks again!

  39. And sorry I was so cranky in my last posting, but I can only come when I get surly with strangers.

    So thanks: I feel more relaxed now.

  40. @13: Try using the vibe on your taint.
    @32. Yes you are. “I asked my girl if she wanted an orgasm, and she said she didn’t care.” Um, yes, dumbass, she does. Most women DON’T come through fucking alone, so if you’ve already started fucking without getting her there, stopping every 30 seconds to ask about it ain’t gonna help. Ever heard of foreplay? Spend more time on it. And make an effort to do it right. Here’s a word that can help you enourmously: TEASE. Don’t go right for the goods… kiss her right NEXT to the nipple, blow on it, lick all around it until she’s dying for you to close your lips around the target. And I’m not talking 30 seconds of teasing, take five or ten minutes to get there. Don’t even think about going down south until she’s squirming and moaning. Take your time, tease her there too. You know that tendon where the inner thigh joins the torso? Spend some time there. Just behind the knee too. Use your imagination. Spend at least a half-hour on foreplay and you’ll be the studmuffin you always dreamed you could be.
    Part of what gets YOU off should be getting HER off.

  41. @34: All right, Mr. Jellyfish.

    When I was very young I used the word “women”. At the time, I believed it was demeaning to call females “girls” because it suggested all women were childlike and naiive (In the same way that many Japanese names for women contain the kanji for “child”). However, a number of women/girls whose word I trusted complained to me about this. They said that being referred to as “woman” rather than “girl” made them feel old, which depressed them. So I stopped. Behold, the evolution of an asshole.

    Next, what would you have me do? Should I take the position of “Women lack willpower and imagination and don’t know what’s best for them. Therefore I must insist that we continuously try to make her orgasm whether she wants to or not.” Is that good?

    I take the position that people (all people) approach sex as something that’s fun–ie where people cooperate to achieve the good feelings that they want.

  42. I am not a doctor, but I believe the usual advice to someone who cannot achieve orgasm, is to first rule out a physical problem through a doctor’s exam.

  44. @37 & @39

    What are you – Dan’s lawyer?

    Get a grip on yourself. It’s called SARCASM and Dan is very familiar with it.

    If you’ve been reading Dan for 10 years, you know he can dish it out too.

  46. @avast2006 – heh…yep, spot-on about DTMFA – I’m betting BF is a) not feeling “friend” but feeling “lover” and b) thinks she’s hot and wants to keep nailing her. Still, nothing is a boner-killer like trying to do someone who really isn’t interested.

    On BLOWJOB – I’m one of those guys…I went a VERY long time – until my mid-thirties – before I got off from a blowjob. That blowjob was given to me by one very talented and DETERMINED lady who really really got off herself on sucking and swallowing. So, yeah, completion was very important to her own sexual satisfaction. I was left with my ears ringing…I did NOT over-analyze why/what got her off, but instead we just enjoyed.

    It’s fine for her to want to work at this…but she should also make sure he understands that this is WHAT GETS HER OFF. I used to get very self-conscious about my inability to get off from oral, and that head-game really kept me blocked. I felt pressure to “hurry up” before giving my partner lock-jaw or a cramp…and that interfered. This gal made it clear that what got her off was sucking and that she was experiencing a lot of pleasure, regardless of what happened for me…and that set me free. I still have a hard time, but not nearly as hard.

  47. @2: All kinds of guys. All “what kind of [x] doesn’t like [x]” statements are unhelpful and intimidating. You might as well say, “Straight guys who don’t want threesomes are obviously closet gays.” Ooh, yeah, that sounds pretty crazy and judgmental.

    @40: I’m kind of with @32 on the issue of straightforward communication. Sometimes I just want to help my BF get off, and he doesn’t stop pestering me about “finishing” when I really, genuinely can’t be bothered. DUDE! I said I don’t want an orgasm! I’m not playing mind games here … I just want to be GGG and then get some freakin’ sleep.

    People can joke about how that’s a “good” problem, but it wears on you after a while. It makes me self-conscious about how his pleasure is predicated on mine, and basically, the pressure is on me to guarantee we BOTH have a good time. Yeah, that sounds like relaxed, sexy fun.

  48. @46: “I felt pressure to ‘hurry up’ before giving my partner lock-jaw or a cramp…and that interfered.”

    Nice one. A lot of women experience the same problem (I did) and I think maybe we don’t hear from men enough on the same point. Everyone just assumes all men explode on the mere thought of a blowjob, without realizing that puts pressures on them.

  50. Re all the posts on blowjobs – here’s a technique that has worked for me with guys who didn’t come easily from blowjobs: I start with a nice, leisurely blowjob, no pressure to come, I’m just having the time of my life down here, slobbering, etc… then have him lend his own hand, in place of my hand, while I continue to lick and suck the head, sometimes just the tip, depending on where his hand needs to go.

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