I am a woman in a relatively new relationship. Prior to this guy, I had a deep disgust for anything anal-related. After some dedicated work and anilingus on his part, he’s helped me overcome my fears of the “grossness” of the area and made me an enthusiastic convert—as a recipient.
He has expressed an interest in me reciprocating in butt play and rimming. I know it’s a sensitive area for him and would bring him a lot of pleasure—but no matter how much he cleans the area, I’m having trouble getting over two issues.
1. I’m submissive and prefer my partners to be dominant. Butt play on him would ruin his “dominant” role for me. However, that problem is minor compared to…
2. He is overweight and hairy, and no amount of cleaning dispels the musk from that area for more than five minutes. When I’m going down on him, I deal, as it isn’t too bad and some amount of genital smell is to be expected. But moving further into his butt area—which is pretty darn huge, hairy, and flabby—would require burying my face in the smelliest and least attractive area of his body.
I feel horrible about this. Removing the hair would not be enough to give his butt a shape and remove the extra mass that’s trapping and producing the odors. I feel it’s too horrible to tell him, “I would probably do it if you dropped 50 pounds.” It’s also not fair, as he’s an enthusiastic anal giver (though if not giving means never receiving, I’m willing to go without).
How do I get over this, Dan? Aside from this issue, our sex life is fantastic. I truly am attracted to him, just not his butt. I want to be GGG, but this is really pushing my limits.
Can’t Go There
I don’t know how you get over it, CGT—hell, I don’t think I’ll ever get over just reading your letter.
I recognize, of course, that anal pleasure, however it’s administered, isn’t just for butts on the men’s Australian Olympic diving team. Butts come in all different sizes, shapes, and flavors, and not every butt looks as good in a Speedo or—presumably—tastes as good out of a Speedo as, say, Matthew Mitcham’s butt does. And, hey, reciprocity makes the orgasms go round. But there are times when there’s just no getting over something and a face-saving white lie is in order.
Tell him that, as much as you appreciate his efforts to open you up—figuratively and literally—to being on the receiving end of butt play, you don’t think you’ll ever get over your hang-up about being on the giving end. He doesn’t need to know that you might feel differently if Matthew Mitcham had asked you to eat his tiny, tight, and thoroughly chlorinated little butt, CGT, so feel free to leave that bit out. End by telling him that you’ll understand if he no longer wishes to indulge you in the butt play that, thanks to his efforts, you’ve come to enjoy so much.
I’m a straight 22-year-old male. I have a skin-picking fetish. I get off on picking scabs and patches of dry skin. I also have seborrhoeic dermatitis, a condition that causes flaky white patches of dry skin to grow on my scalp. I pick all the scales off my scalp daily. I masturbate afterward and have had some of the best orgasms of my life this way.
My problem: Every girlfriend I’ve ever opened up to about this has been grossed out. None of my girlfriends have been willing to indulge my fetish, even after I’ve been willing to indulge their kinks. They tell me it is unclean or dangerous. Even paid escorts have refused to pick my scalp for me. A woman picking my scalp while I jerk off is my biggest fantasy.
Surely there must be a scab-picking girl out there for me. How do I find her?
Scab Kinkster In Need
It’s going to be that kind of column—the kind you don’t write over lunch. (My apologies to anyone who’s reading this over lunch.)
Your fetish—which, according to the interwebs, goes by the name “phaneromania”—is a blessedly uncommon fetish, SKIN, as well as a pretty high bar to clear. Picking the scabs off someone’s scalp while he beats off isn’t something that even the most open-minded, sexually adventurous partner would regard as a GGG-related responsibility.
Don’t lose hope, SKIN. While there are always more men into a given fetish than there are women, fetishes that involve medical and/or physical maladies tend to tap women at slightly higher rates than other fetishes. It’s the caregiver/nurturer thing taken to a sixy extreme (sick + sexy = sixy).
Keep putting yourself out there, keep being open with the women you date about your ultimate turn-on, and you may hit the sixy jackoffpot. Your only other hope is enough: You’ll have to meet a woman who loves you enough to do this for you or you’ll have to pay a woman enough to do this for you.
I’m a 34-year-old openly gay white-collar professional man in an open relationship with my amazing boyfriend of nine years. I’ve been getting fucked on the side for the past two years by a 30-year-old closeted bisexual total-top white blue-collar steelworker. Although we have very different backgrounds, we both have a great time when his eight-inch cock is in me. He texts me when he’s horny, I show up, I blow him, he pounds my brains out and ejaculates, and I leave (all safely, of course). Maybe a little chitchat after. He seems like a nice guy, and it’s a NSA attachment that works well.
The issue: I’m afraid he may be a white supremacist. While he has never said anything to me, he has numerous tattoos, including the infamous “88” tattoo (which usually refers to “Heil Hitler,” with H being the eighth letter of the alphabet). Additionally, I’ve seen some paramilitary-type stuff around his place. He’s never said anything bigoted about minorities, and we’ve never discussed it. He obviously has no problem with gay guys—he knows I’m open and out—and I don’t think he’s planning for RAHOWA, but I’m wondering about the tattoos and am afraid to ask.
Do I have to give up his eight-inch blue-collar cock and our no-strings slam sessions because he may hold ideas I find offensive?
Worried Over Racist Dick
Color me intolerant, but I don’t think a member of one oppressed minority group—that would be you, WORD—should be bouncing on the dick of someone who endorses hatred directed at members of other minority groups.
Which means you will have to give up those hot slam sessions—but only if this dude is a racist and/or anti-Semitic piece of shit.
Doesn’t that 88 tattoo prove that he’s a POS? Not necessarily. It only proves that he was a POS at the time he got the tattoo. Hatred can fade and people can become more tolerant, but tattoos are forever. He may be ashamed of that tattoo and planning to get it inked over—but you won’t know until you ask.
And you should ask, WORD, and if turns out he’s still a racist and/or anti-Semitic POS, you shouldn’t see him anymore.
HEY, EVERYBODY: Do me a favor. Go to tinyurl.com/24rjpv7. Find “Colleen K.” Click “View profile.” Click “Like this.” Thank you.
I totally agree with the idea that SKIN should refrain from explaining his likes as a sexual kink, at least at the beginning. We girls sometimes get frightened by some ideas if they are framed like that. Well, guys do too.
I love the video on YouTube in which Dan talks about kinks and he says we should not talk about our kinks like “I have cancer, and these are my tumors” but “it’s Christmas morning, and these are YOUR presents. These are the fun sexy fucking things you get to do with me. What are the fun sexy things I get to do with you”
Tell them that it gives you pleasure without mentioning it’s sexual at first. As you might have seen already if you read the comments, MOST girls like grooming I think, and many times are afraid to ask, or teach their boyfriends to put up with it. You may find your kink can be totally mainstream!!
Most girls don’t mind picking their boyfriends. And none mind them jerking off. Just use the right frame for it and enjoy!!
I totally agree with the idea that SKIN should refrain from explaining his likes as a sexual kink, at least at the beginning. We girls sometimes get frightened by some ideas if they are framed like that. Well, guys do too.
I love the video on YouTube in which Dan talks about kinks and he says we should not talk about our kinks like “I have cancer, and these are my tumors” but “it’s Christmas morning, and these are YOUR presents. These are the fun sexy fucking things you get to do with me. What are the fun sexy things I get to do with you”
Tell them that it gives you pleasure without mentioning it’s sexual at first. As you might have seen already if you read the comments, MOST girls like grooming I think, and many times are afraid to ask, or teach their boyfriends to put up with it. You may find your kink can be totally mainstream!!
Most girls don’t mind picking their boyfriends. And none mind them jerking off. Just use the right frame for it and enjoy!!
@155 — “Most girls don’t mind picking their boyfriends. And none mind them jerking off. Just use the right frame for it and enjoy!!”
Now, you know there are plenty of ladies that do mind. HandJOB. Just one more inconvenient thing to do. We women hate giving pleasure.
All CGT needs to do is get him into the bathtub and give him the soapy finger a few times – after that, he’ll be unscented for at least an hour. If the tub is big enough, she can rim him in the tub & soapy-finger him anytime she wants.
I know SKIN’s woman, but unfortunately she just turned 16. My daughter has enjoyed this since she was very little and still does.
This means that there are others.
I am of the camp that loves picking skin- my own and others. I remember being like 5 years old- the big thing to do was to cover your hand in glue, let it dry and pick it off. We all loved doing it. I know tons of women who still love to pick- pick their fingers, scalps, sunburns, etc. I just told my husband the other day that the best Christmas gift would be to give himself a sunburn so that I could pick the dead skin in a few weeks. I was kidding of course. Kinda. So, SKIN, not gross at all! Fun!
I get the overly musky ass-smell. Sorry.
o
wow
wow I cannot believe that there are so many different ways to see the 88 thing. I had to read it again and WORD did mention that there are paramilitarty (sp) items in his NSA home. I would definately ask not just about the tat but the other stuff too, but more importantly, I would trust my gut. If it feels yukie it most likely is.
Another female here (attractive, successful, smart) who would love to engage in some scalp picking. Give me some tweezers, Q-Tips, and some hydrogen peroxide and I’ll get all up in that stuff. I’m happily married, and my husband submits (he’s usually a sub anyway) when he can. I also love zit picking and pubic tweezing- they are deceptively long!-I can do it for hours on myself, but hubby draws the line on his own pubes. Do I have OCD? Eh, who cares. I’m a fully functional adult comfortable in my own skin. 🙂
Dan shows again his one-sided political submission. WORD is having great NSA sex with a guy he is into. WHO THE FUCK CARES what the guy’s personal political views are!
If WORD was an unabashed meat-lover and WORD’s hot fuck buddy was a vegan, Dan would have not problem. But because WORD’s sex partner might be on the far right, Dan has a problem…
Dan Savage shows his true colors and they aren’t pretty!!!
@166 cute analogy, but it falls apart when you consider that white supremacy is an anti-human philosophy. Would most people want to fuck a murderer? Hell no.
I wonder what the other cat ladies on the site are thinking.
I’m actually inclined to believe that SKIN’s letter is genuine simply because I can’t believe anyone could make such a thing up. The mind just doesn’t go there.
Dan, come on. WORD, Dan should’ve said, “ask don’t assume.” Period. “ASK.”
Then, if you get an answer you wouldn’t prefer, ask yourself how much it really matters in your extra relationship. Dan’s mores in that venue may not match yours and Dan’s mores are his for an extra, not yours. Ask yourself.
My query is whether it really is an extra if you’re asking Dan for advice on whether it matters. Sounds like it’s competing for primacy which is fn ridiculous if he’s playing as you described.
I kinda wish I could find the Scab Kinkster. We’re the same age, and he might be less critical of my Dermatillomania than my last boyfriend. My picking is due to nerves, but I would be happy to pick his skin and let him pick mine… whatever the reason!
Regarding the scab kinkster – I thoroughly enjoy picking the scabs off my scalp. I do so all the time, and while I don’t derive any sexual satisfaction from it, it’s something that I would understand in a partner and be willing to do for them. It’s just satisfying! It taps into some kind of primal, grooming urge.
So… keep asking women! There’s bound to be other pickers!
Dan, you continue to ROCK!
@141: I had never heard the term “RAHOWA” before reading this post, but I looked it up and now know it’s a white supremacist term for “racial holy war,” and now you know it too. Knowing the term doesn’t mean anything.
@167: Some people think being a liberal (or conservative) is an “anti-human philosophy,” which is just another way of saying “philosophy I’m strongly opposed to.”
I wouldn’t want to fuck a republican, but a group of conservative dumbnuts is not analogous to a group that supports the killing of niggers, spics, and kikes.
You’re not convincing me.
175, thanks for the info-as it’s 5 a.m, I’d have been too tired to look it up. ITA w/the 2nd half of your post also: I’m EXTREMELY pro-choice & have {@ times in my life when I wasn’t too picky ie, 19-21}, been fucking some guy who was anti-choice. It was sort of thing I’d find out later-like, knowing a guy well enough to have his cock inside me, but not knowing him well enough to talk about politics, lol. {I’m being slightly facetious, but not much}. It seems to me that not too many comments on that letter feel, as I do, that any deal-breaking opinions or beliefs an NSA lover doesn’t share, are relevant & particular to each individual. For one thing, IF the tattoo is racist (& there seem to be a few alternative possibilities for the “88”, as illustrated by savvy commenters this wk), it’s not like Mr. 88 is spewing racist rhetoric @ the top of his lungs-on the contrary! WORD isn’t even sure. They’re not being seen in public together, meeting each other’s families or friends-none of that-it’s all NSA. WORD, if I’ve fucked pro-lifers, you can fuck this dude.
My BF is the smelly type too, and here’s a solution: Offer to shower together first. Its super sexy, and allows you to get into all those crevices with a bar of sop before you have to spend any time there. Also, it seems like you are offering something a bit kinky, which is a way better way of going about it than telling him “you smell”.
@165 (LOSE-LOSE): I want to be The Incredible Hulk!!
I’d like to register as someone with a minor skin fetish (for my own and others), and would totally pick the scalp of the man I love. Not you, #2, sorry.
@166:
WORD cares, that’s who.
Oddly enough, this is the second time in two days I heard that an 88 tattoo stands for Heil Hitler (did our letter writer watch the same L&O ep?). I managed to go 27 years without knowing this though, so while there is a change he’s a white supremest, he could also be completely ignorant of the ‘meaning’. Face it. Those numbers can stand for anything, from the year of his prom, to a specific football victory or even his IQ.
@177: There is… a significant difference between “philosophy I disagree with” and “philosophy I find fundamentally abhorrent”. I see a big difference between goinking a Republican, however far-right-wing, and goinking someone who thinks killing Jews is a spiffy idea. Or a difference between goinking a (normal, sane) pro-lifer and goinking the kind of person who bombs abortion clinics. Or, for that matter, on the other side, between goinking an avid and active environmentalist or animal-rights activist and goinking the kind of person who blows up “enemies of Mother Earth” or labs that work with animals.
But, yeah, find out if Mr. 88 actually *is* a racist nutjob before ya dump him. The most…neutral way to do that might be to just ask “So, what’s with the tattoo?”–less potentially offensive than other available approaches…
The scab guy might want to date women who give facials and do skin care for a living. They might be less grossed out by it and I have several friends who are aesthetisians who all joke about being “monkeys”. We all like to pick at scabs and pimples. It’s gross and not sexual but I don’t think any of us would be revolted. The bonus of someone trained is that she could help without causing tissue damage or a really-serious-you-might-actually-die infection like MRSA. (hope he doesnt mind if she wears gloves or douses him with tea tree oil or whatever afterwards),
SKIN should try dating a nurse, specifically a Burns nurse. If there’s anyone who doesn’t mind picking off other people’s scabs, its them.
I always felt like receiving oral/rimming was not a submissive act, but giving is.
THe “88” tattoo is for Dale Earnhart, the NASCAR guy. Not Hitler.
OMG,skin can’t find a %paid* escort to pick his scalp??? In *this* economy??? Sounds like pretty safe sex to me. If he’s offering enough money I’m sure there are plenty of women in financial need who would indulge him.
At least one person mentioned the hot tub and another mentioned taking a shower first.
How about eating @#!*% IN the shower? Probably also a real hot place for pegging if that is on the menu….
If WORD is so worried about the 88, why doesn’t he just ask the guy? But really if it is a NSA relationship why is WORD worried? Would it be any different if WORD meant the guy weekly at a bath house? It seems to me that he is going beyond the NSA rules, if he is worried about wants on the his body or in his apartment. I had a few NSA’s. I never got to think about what were on their bodies or in their apartments. We did the deed and departed. It was great.
I’d pick scabs off of a guy’s head. Why not? I have some pretty rare kinks myself.
White supremacists don’t like queers either. Personally I’d be afraid I was banging someone who was going to go nuts one day from the double life and kill me for leading him astray.
As for the “jail” excuse… OMG as if. It’s not expensive to get those covered in something else once you’re out. If he didn’t want a big ass 88 on his body if he was really against that he would have covered that shit up by now. As for the various sports excuses? Another please. it’s such common knowledge what the 88 is for that no one would want such a potential mixup. And if it was for sports, for real, there would be something else like a car or basketball or whatever. Not just an 88.