I am a 33-year-old married male who has a WAM—wet and messy—fetish. I’m into mud and clay. I have played with various substances in the bathroom by myself over the years. It always ends with me masturbating myself into oblivion, wishing there were someone with me so we could sensuously rub against each other, etc., until we both climax. But I’m always alone!
I was always too shy to share this fetish with anyone until three years ago, when I told the woman I’ve now been married to for two years. She assured me that I should never be ashamed of any of my fantasies and that she would be glad to help me fulfill them. But when I went and got some clay from the art store, showed it to her, and said that we were going to be having some fun, she acted uncomfortable. Once I got the bathtub full of the “mud,” got naked, and started to coax her into the room, she totally freaked out.
Needless to say, I was mortified and disappointed, and there was $50 worth of clay in the tub that I didn’t want to go to waste. So I locked her out and decided to try to make the best of it. This backfired because soon she was pounding on the door like she was jealous that I was in there pleasuring myself. I washed off, washed everything down the drain, and opened the door, but it was too late. She was angry and wouldn’t say anything the rest of the day. Neither of us has spoken of it since.
I still have my fantasies, but now I feel I have to hide them. I have magazines and videos that I masturbate to, but it goes no further than that. So my questions are:
1. Am I some kind of a freak or weirdo?
2. Have you ever heard of this fetish before?
3. If so, why doesn’t anyone else ever write to you about similar fetishes?
4. Will I ever be able to show this side of me to my wife, or should I just hide it from her forever?
Mis-Understood Dude
Let me get this straight: Three years ago you shared your fetish and fantasies with the woman you married two years ago, and your then non-wife assured you that she wanted to help you fulfill all of your fantasies—but she completely flipped out when you filled the tub with clay. And 12 months later, you married her anyway?
I’m not endorsing the way you sprang a tub full of clay on your future wife—maybe she reacted badly because the bathroom was an unholy mess? Maybe you should’ve stopped everything and talked things through when she acted uncomfortable? Maybe the sight of you half-covered in mud and fully aroused was too much, too soon?—but why on earth didn’t you get to the bottom of this before you married this woman?
Sounds to me like you really spooked the wife-to-be, MUD, both with that “Hey, here’s a tub full of clay!” move and then, when she balked, by going right ahead with one of your solo mud-and-sex sessions instead of putting your orgasm on hold to, gee, go and inquire after the future wife’s feelings about what just went down. At that moment, she may have concluded that given a choice between her and a tub full of clay, you would choose a tub full of clay—because that’s just what you did… and yet she married you anyway.
People are fucking mysteries, man.
And in answer to your questions…
1. Yes, but your kinky weirdo freakiness is charming and harmless and not anything that you need to feel ashamed of, MUD.
2. Yes, yours is a relatively common fetish, MUD, one that exists on a continuum. Wet-and-messy play can involve substances that are harmless and represent a low barrier to entry for the loving, GGG, nonfetishist partner—mud, food, condiments, etc.—or substances that are not at all harmless and represent an impossibly high barrier to entry, e.g., shit, vomit, snot. Your kink could be much, much more problematic.
3. Other people have. Yours isn’t the first letter I’ve run from/about a weirdo freak like you.
4. You already showed this side of yourself to the wife. She knows, you know she knows, but you’re both pretending not to know what you damn well do know. To avoid becoming completely sexually estranged, TALK TO YOUR WIFE. Ask her what went wrong—how did she go from “never be ashamed… glad to help [you fulfill your fantasies]” to freaking out and pounding on doors and ignoring the mud-caked elephant in the room for more than three years?
Ask her to open up—beg her to open up—and apologize to her out of the gate for botching it, for rushing her, for being so insensitive as to prioritize the clay over her feelings after she freaked. And then tell her you want to be able to work on building a healthy, honest, and mutually satisfying sexual relationship, one that meets your needs and hers, but to do that you’re going to have to start communicating with each other again.
I have a 15-year-old daughter. I am bisexual and work in marketing for the adult industry;
both are things I explained to her when I thought she was old enough to form an understanding of what they meant.
Recently, I returned from an adult-industry convention, where I often pick up new toys. One of my gift bags contained a petite sparkly purple vibrator, and I thought, well it’s not my style but maybe I should give it to my daughter along with a lecture on masturbation being a great alternative to sex. Even though I am an open-minded and cool mom, this thought still made me uncomfortable, and I relegated the new toy to my nightstand full of gifted-from-vendors toys that aren’t my style.
I figured that no teenager wants to be given a masturbatory device by a parent. Was I wrong?
Teenage Masturbation Icky
No, TMI, you were right: No teenager wants to be given a masturbatory device by her parent. But that doesn’t mean a teenager—even your teenager—wouldn’t be delighted to have a masturbatory device. A moment of awkwardness and a little feigned teenage discomfort/disgust—perhaps even a show of discarding the device where it could be easily retrieved after Mom apologizes and retreats—is a price that most teenage girls would be willing to pay to have a brand-new sparkly purple vibrator of her very own. (Oh, and I’m thinking she knows about your drawer full of misfit sex toys. Maybe you could just tell her that anything in there that’s still in its original packaging is up for grabs.)
Some gay friends said that girls don’t ever think a penis is cute. I started asking all the chicks I know if they think cocks can be cute. Not one said yes. Gay guys think cocks are cute.
Curious Of Cock Knowledge
No man’s cock is cute—well, no man’s besides the man who got a Hello Kitty tattoo on the head. A cock can be hot, it can be beautiful, it can be vaguely threatening. But unless there’s something very, very wrong, no man’s cock is cute and no man wants to be told that his cock is cute.
My cock is cute.
I read the first letter in that MUD told future wife of his fetish three years ago, she was GGG, they married two years ago, but he just now is actually approaching it with her. Well, not with her.
His big fail was not prepping her at all that “today was the day”, not that he married her.
Unless it’s as Dan read it, in which case, I’ll STFU and he never should have married her.
I feel bad for the mud guy. That really does seem like about as low entry as it gets. Also, you’re already in the tub so cleaning up would be a breeze.
Yep, ‘cute’ is not a word that should precede (or follow for that matter) ‘cock.’
The mud guy should just find one of the millions of girls who dig mud wrestling and take her out on a date. HELLO?
@2 I read it the same way.
And what about Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost?
@7. Joe Newton was also thinking about that scene. Or rather, the naughty and interspecies(?) version of it.
21 now, but if my mom had presented me with a vibe at 15 I would have been mortified–but secretly curious and appreciative. Just do it quickly and casually–almost like you’ll toss it, but you think she’s mature enough now to consider this as a safe option for herself. Or even put it on her bed with a note.
My boyfriend and I joke about how there are a number of things you should never call a man’s cock, and “cute” is definitely one of them. It just has the implication of, “Awww, look at the cute little cock. Isn’t it just the most precious little thing ever?”. Not sexy.
The clay guy really screwed up how to approach the problem of dealing fetishes with your partner. I have some as well, I certainly know what it is like. You cannot just walk in and say “Today we are going to do all the things I like” if they do not share them. Talk to her first, let her know what you like, find out what she is comfortable with and maybe slowly get into it. Buying $50 worth of clay and springing it upon her is not going to go over well. Sitting in the tub playing with yourself when she is not happy is also a bonehead move.
I’m not sure I get the problem with clay – skin treatment and sex at the same time! Maybe MUD could sell it to his wife that way.
Wow I am the 14th commentator. Either the column was not as worthy of comment as Dan’s usual work or I got the kind of head start a sperm in a sloppy seconds contest is always looking for (yummy sperm competition).
A very sensitive bit of advice for MUD although I would have been a lot harder on him. I thought Dan was going to nail him but he let him off light. MUD is an incredible putz. The big fear in fetishes is that the fetish guy cares more about the fetish than he cares about the woman. Way to allay that fear MUD monkey. Gee my future wife is all upset about this whole scene I created so why don’t I just lock her out and jack off. LMFAO.
TMI- great name baby! Maybe you can put it in her Christmas stocking as a gift from Santa- because she has been good. If she wants to discuss it with you the door is obviously open.
And Dan nailed COCK just as we knew he would. Although I thought Larry Craig was barred from posting here.
Yeah, MUD’s not fucked up, he just fucked up the approach. Seriously, if I came home and my hubby had filled the bathtub with clay/bought a bunch of nontoxic paints and a big sheet of canvas/wanted to make a plaster cast of my boobs/whatever? That’d be awesome. That said, his reaction when she freaked? Not so awesome. His biggest problem is his social skills.
@2
That is interesting. I had read it how Dan had, but your reading might make more sense. But, unless she had at some point in the meantime said “by the way, that whole ‘don’t be ashamed, I’ll act out your fantasies with you” stuff was just a joke, it doesn’t change how I feel about this issue.
@12
Strategically, I agree with you. Morally, I’m a bit more torn. Yes, if he had wanted her to understand, approve of, and help him engage in his fetish he should have moved more slowly. At the same time, if someone says “don’t be ashamed of your fetishes, I’ll help you act them out”, I would generally take him or her at his or her word. If she wasn’t going to be comfortable with whatever he could throw at her (and he didn’t throw much), she shouldn’t have said what she said.
And then, when *she* had rejected *him* and left him forlorn and feeling both freakish and unloved, he decided to bring himself the pleasure she had promised to give him, but refused to. She didn’t have the right to be hurt at that point.
@2
I think Dan’s interpretation makes sense. If his then girlfriend said that she was game to try the mud, why would he then wait three years to actually try it out? The story doesn’t make sense with a three year gap between the discussion and actually trying the mud.
MUD definitely had an awkward first time of it.
Maybe, if he’s lucky, she will have forgotten the incident enough that he can give her a “spa pampering night”. Sea-salt scrubs plus a full body kaolin mask (it’s the clay they use, but if he uses a fancy word, she may not get the heebie-jeebies about it), followed by a rinse, and a massage.
If he makes the night about her and is lucky, they can make hot, sweet love AFTER the clay is off. If not, well, then she drifts off to sleep and he goes to fap in the bathroom. He would still be one step closer to his fantasy.
I have to wonder if seeing her husband in the tub covered with clay looked a bit too much like goatse for her comfort and her libido screamed and fled. If that was it, then a different color of clay might solve the problem.
Also, the approach could be better than: “Here’s some clay – make with the kinky sex now.” And maybe it was and he just simplified for the letter’s sake, but being told it’s time to perform is a completely different kink.
Anyway, he should talk to her, and next time, don’t spring it on her, and maybe start with something less than an entire bathtub, like maybe a few pots of fingerpaints.
I don’t blame the wife for freaking out at all. Sure, she knew this fantasy existed, but instead of talking about it and easing into it, he went full blown into this fantasy. Surprise honey! Come and get me in the tub full of mud.
I’d have TONS of questions if that was my mate, even if I was GGG for Mud play like,
What the heck kind of clay is that? Is it even safe to have in our bodies? Is it going to ruin my tub?
What exactly do you want me to do in this tub? Just have sex with mud on us? Does the kink go further than that?
And then for him to just shrug his shoulders and start jerking off in the tub. Weird. Just weird. This guy sounds like HE’S the insensitive one and not the other way around.
I just want to say that you shouldn’t wash that much clay down the drain. Unless you want plumbing issues on top of the marital issues.
Seldon @16 – “She didn’t have the right to be hurt at that point.” Hey, feelings are feelings. They don’t wait around to find out who’s in the right. She freaked out, he freaked out, they had a bad night of it. One of them should have brought it up again afterwards, in the calm light of day, to say “Honey, I’m sorry I overreacted; I didn’t know that’s what you had in mind.” Or “Honey, I’m sorry I locked you out; I was just so hurt by your reaction.” Then they could work through it… But years of stewing in silence can’t have been good for their relationship & trust. Might as well try to air the issues now, as Dan suggests.
Just fyi, LW#1 should invest in a clay trap (ask a ceramicist) to prevent too much clay from going down the drain and getting stuck there. Clay in the bathtub pipes WILL back up and become a huge, messy, gross problem –fast.
Also, why didn’t he just start off slow with $5 worth of clay in a big tupperware in a nonsexual (but maybe sensual) context with his wife? Overeager much? I mean, if it could be sexy in Ghost, it can be sexy for him.
I bet his wife was thinking she’d get to be Demi Moore and freaked out when he turned out to be Jim from American Pie (with a really big pie made of mud) instead.
(That said, my actual belief is that MUD has never raised the issue with his wife. This story is how he fears it will go, which is why he has never told her about it.)
I have a friend with a wet-and-messy fetish, although his is specific to “girls stuck in quicksand”. Oddest fetish I’d ever heard of. But yeah, this sort of thing should be introduced in stages, not full-blown wallowing in mud like dirty little piggies. Of *course* she freaked!
Genitalia in general are not cute.
The mud thing was a little over the top. The first thing he should have done was asked her if she would be okay with trying it out BEFORE he bought $50 worth of mud and clay! I mean, this isn’t exactly flowers and chocolates. Just like sex toys or a new fetish, these things need to be discussed! You don’t just go on http://www.lelo.com, get your man a love ring and slap it on him!
The mud thing was a little over the top. The first thing he should have done was asked her if she would be okay with trying it out BEFORE he bought $50 worth of mud and clay! I mean, this isn’t exactly flowers and chocolates. Just like sex toys or a new fetish, these things need to be discussed! You don’t just go on http://www.lelo.com, get your man a love ring and slap it on him!
As a girl, if someone ever addressed my genitalia as “cute” I don’t think I’d take it well. I also cannot fathom calling a guy’s cock “cute”. Unless I was really annoyed and was aiming it as an insult.
#2 – I read the letter that way the first time, then I re-read it, and it doesn’t make sense to have waited that long to bring it up. Rather I think he’s waited that long to ask anyone about the muddy elephant everyone is pretending they don’t know about.
Heh, my daughters received a vibrator of their very own as a 15th birthday present, done quietly away from the family. They both bitched complained and whined, and acted like it was horrible that this was presented to them. But neither one of them threw them away 🙂
I remember seeing a video with Dan’s advice on sharing one’s kinks- “You have to talk about your kinks like it’s Christmas morning and these are YOUR PRESENTS.”
If only MUD had seen that one…
On a practical note…women can get infections from exposure to substances that are not specifically designed for “internal” use.
#16,
One reason I am not really torn is that I do not really believe the writer’s characterization of his wife’s statement about how willing she was. “She assured me that I should never be ashamed of any of my fantasies and that she would be glad to help me fulfill them”
I have never met anyone who has made such a large promise. People might say they want to be open about their fetishes and fantasies, they will try to help, but I think very few people would just say they are glad to help do anything. If she did say it this way I think someone should still have the brains to realize that few people want to be thrown into a fetish without talking about it…unless that is what gets them off.
@26: pussies are definitely cute. Cocks too, actually.
cute cock = micro penis ^_^
On the subject of cocks being called cute, one of my male friends told me he’s turned off by a woman calling HIM cute in general because he finds it emasculating. He’d rather be called sexy or hot or handsome. Another male friend admitted that, while he feigns offense at being called cute in order to look macho, he’s secretly delighted by it.
Guys are weird.
I think cocks are cute. Not in a bunny kind of way, but in a “ohmigawd you’re showing my your extremely vulnerable external genitalia! ♥” Okay maybe that’s a little bunny.
But they are also sexy-cute, as in, attractive. Cute is better than ugly, and too many cocks are called “ugly”, imho. Pretty penises, everywhere. Deal with it.
One solution to the purple sparkling vibrator giveaway problem could be this: Mom could put several of the “not-really-my-style” toys in a box and when she leaves the house for work or whatever, tell her daughter: “Honey, I’m getting rid of some of the old junk I never wanted or used anyway. Could you please throw it out for me? It’s in that paper box over there, I forgot to take it out and I’ve got to run now.”
Now the daughter, if she’s at least a bit smart and interested, can have her own unashamed pick. Plus, you’ll be getting rid of that old junk you are not using anyway.
Dan, you are a god damn gem for straight dudes.
“apologize to her out of the gate for botching it, for rushing her, for being so insensitive as to prioritize the clay over her feelings after she freaked.”
TAKE NOTE STRAIGHT DUDES
Jeezus.
Sounds like Mud Guy was too obsessed and horny about his turnon to be at all considerate to his partner. WTF? Why would you marry them?
And seriously, $50 worth of clay? I know how much clay costs, so HOW MUCH clay was that??
(PS. You can just wrap it up and store it in a cool place).
GGG goes both ways, and being there and considerate for your partner when they are uncomfortable or *freaking out* is absolutely necessary for it.
Seriously, he couldn’t have just started with giving her a mud mask massage? Making out in a sandpit?
*headdesk*
The mud fetish is no big deal in my opinion. I think it’s kind of hot, and fairly understandable. Everyone knows about mud wrestling and the movie Ghost, so there’s plenty of precedent and context for this kind of thing.
If MUD had better social skills, he’d have had messy, slimy sex with dozens of women by this point in his life. Sometimes when you make a really big deal out of something, it becomes an insurmountable obstacle, even when it’s really not anything important or unusual.
OH MY GOD Dan the advice you gave on the podcast this week to the woman whose boyfriend was hung up on her sexual past was perfect!
@41: Framing counts, you are so right. If you come off as creepy, even about something mild, it becomes creepy. Sounds to me like the fetish isn’t the issue for the letter writer, it’s the ability to communicate about it in a positive, sexy way. The wife might be reacting badly too for her own reasons.
On the plus side. communication issues are more changeable then fetishes.
TMI could get another adult female to give the toy to her daughter… like an “aunt” figure. That is generally a bit less squeamish for girls than having the gift come directly from their mother. Though I like the idea of the “open misfit drawer” too. I think it is so valuable for young girls to be taught masturbation can be a positive and fulfilling experience.
It seems that #16 and I are in the minority in having sympathy for Mud man. Did he screw up? Sure, but not in the way everyone is dogpiling him. His mistake was like 23 said, in terms of the pipes and clay clogs. People are gasping at “50 bucks!” “For clay!?!” We’ve all blown the odd 50 here or there for something that makes us happy, so making an issue of that is nonsense.
People are yelling at the guy for sharing the fetish–something the partner knew about and agreed to be GGG about– and then not comforting her when she outright rejects him.
Like his leaping from the bath as a mud covered-mess and chasing her around the house to wrapping her in his comforting mud crusted arms wouldn’t make a bad situation worse?
He put himself out there, and she rejected him. Heartbroken, he took pleasure in the one thing that comforts him. I’m amazed that none of the other posters, have been so hurt that they took comfort in the pleasure of self love. You’re all very lucky.
I can’t say why MUD’s wife objected to his clay play, but I’m surprised you left out the obvious concern about reproductive health, Dan. If he wants to involve penetrating a woman’s vagina while covered in clay or mud, there is always the potential for BV, a UTI, or other vaginal irritation. Maybe he wasn’t thinking of that, but you probably should have.
Damnit Dan, where can I see a pic of that Hello Kitty cock tattoo? Or did you make it up?
Why not just put the sealed up new toy on the daugter’s bed without a note. Then she will not even mention it to mom and they both will know about it, but no awkward moment!
And how about a book on masterbation and how it’s ok, besides the seal up new toy.
“She assured me that I should never be ashamed of any of my fantasies and that she would be glad to help me fulfill them. But when I went and got some clay from the art store, showed it to her, and said that we were going to be having some fun, she acted uncomfortable. Once I got the bathtub full of the “mud,” got naked, and started to coax her into the room, she totally freaked out.”
Mmmm…yeah, I think Dan got it right on MUD…the wife definitely pulled a fast one on him (promising to be GGG then reneging) but the right response from him was not to go plow on ahead. He should have just stopped right then and there and called her out on her reneging. Of course, he should have tested her out BEFORE the wedding as well. It certainly would not be the first time “things have changed” after the wedding ring goes on the finger.
I am, however, suspicious EricaP is right, since “mortified and disappointed” generally are boner killers…rejection is not really the same thing as “forced humiliation” (which is a huge turn on for a lot of guys).
Did anyone else think about sending all that clay down the tub drain? Like it just magically disappears?
Krikey–I’ll bet mud-man is a renter!
Sorry, bi chick here says cocks are fucking adorable! Soft and vulnerable, yet hard and hot… So cute! Poke one with your nose and see if you don’t get the warm fuzzies…
When I was fifteen, I was the recipient of the “awkward vibrator present” from my parents, so I have a few words of cautionary advice. First, it WAS awkward, but it didn’t scar me forever (and makes a funny story about my up-bringing). But what my folks gave me was a nine-inch long, realistic, flesh-colored (but slightly orange) vibrating dildo, complete with a realistic set of balls. But I was a fifteen-year-old virgin, and I didn’t really understand the concept of a clitoris, or that I might have fun using it on the OUTSIDE of my naughty bits. I spent one awkward evening trying to shove the giant thing inside my virginal self (without lube, of course), gave up, frustrated, confused, and in a bit of pain, and never touched the thing again.
I vote for the vibrator (provided it is not a huge, orange, intimidating faux-penis) and a good, detailed book for women on how to orgasm. Just stick them on her bed stand, and never mention them again.
@24, I’m with you. I bet the guy is so ashamed of his fetish that he doesn’t know how to talk with his wife about it in a way that makes what he wants to do seem appealing. By not talking about it with her, though, he makes it more likely she’ll act like his fetish is something shameful. It’s a catch-22 that can only be solved if he gets up the courage to talk with his partner in a positive way about how both of them can get their needs met.
in all earnestness: i don’t get how folks develop these weird, extremely specific fetishes. not judging; i’m just a person who likes to understand WHY people to the things they do, and dan’s column has always been terribly enlightening. dan and friends, what’s the psych behind this? how do you get from, i dunno, kerr jars filled with chicken’s feet to jizzing?
OMG. MUD is a douche. I’m sorry, but Wet and Messy is a weird fetish to most vanilla people. It isn’t well socialized (as in exploited in MSM), and isn’t what people expect when they say “you can share your fantasies, lover boy.”
And, even if it is, they don’t want it to be SPRUNG on them. Talk about it. Ease them into the idea. Bring it up as a positive thing. “I have a fantasy about doing it in mud. It would be so hot to be surrounded by this slick substance covering our body.” But, don’t pull the clueless straight guy thing of “Hey, baby come here! Check out this tub of mud! Does it make you horny baby?”
I’ll bet you dime to dollar that MUD’s wife has either some bisexual latencies (hoping he had a threesome fetish) or is a closeted kinkster (hoping he had a regular old BDSM thing) trying to get the green light to explore THOSE fantasies as opposed to diving in the mud.
I would imagine most, if not all, guys want their cocks to be called impressive, rather than cute.
Y’all do understand that most women are too smart to tell you that cocks are cute, right?
Als, @20 What the heck kind of clay is that? Is it even safe to have in our bodies? Is it going to ruin my tub?
Awesome. *applause*
Why would anyone freak out about someone liking clay? I don’t think I could be turned on by if but it is definately sensual and I can’t imagine how it could be anything but fun fun fun. Maybe she was just worried about clogging the drain.
“I will help you act our your fantasies” does not require her to go full throttle in a bathtub of mud right out of the gate. Her reaction is an indication that it was too much too soon, and his handling of it only compounded the problems. I’d just like to echo the other advice of starting small and working your way up to bringing your ultimate fantasy scenario to life. Mud mask was a good suggestion. Maybe play in the shower, so you can rinse off faster? Or she just rubs the clay on you at first, or vice versa. Clay handjob? Get a potter’s wheel and recreate the scene in Ghost? What woman wouldn’t try that?
Whatever way you go, you need to go slow and help her to eroticize it too, to whatever extent she can. As someone who has a pretty extreme fetish, albeit not one that Dan considers “too far,” I can’t stress enough the importance of treating this like a lighthearted bonus game you get to play in your sex life. Even more than that, being tuned in to her comfort level and knowing when not to push is invaluable. I know it can be hard to be forthright and get past your shame. Good luck awkward messy fetish dude!!!
I gave my 12 year old daughter a back massager and told her to maybe stash it in her nightstand before she has sleepovers, because some girls use them to masturbate and her friends might be shocked to see it. I hope she got the hint. I also showed her the Taylor Momsen thing about how girls need to learn themselves and told her how stupid it was that people disagreed with the sentiment. She’s a bright girl and I hope she figures it out.
On a side note, how stupid is it that there are “Romeo & Juliet” laws specifically permitting underage sex (as there should be) but it’s illegal for a minor to enter a sex toy shop and buy a vibrator (which is infinitely less risky)?
Damn, MUD dude, you couldn’t start small by offering her a facial or mask. No, the clay kind, not the giz kind.
I’m definitely with other commenters in saying I feel like the divide between what the wife said and how she reacted are largely because of the way it was presented. I like to think I’m GGG myself (never had a kinky partner, but I’ve done everything to accommodate their vanilla desires), and am the mildest of kinky, and no matter how chill I like to think I am, I would NOT be prepared to deal with something like that my first time. Not even the fact that it’s something that doesn’t arouse me, if someone who had similar kinks to me wanted us to go from vanilla to ‘okay so here, you’re tied down, i’m going to smack you around a lot and call you names and tease you and make you beg for the privilege of sucking my cock,’ I’d probably balk. And to be fair, that’s more communication than it sounded like what went on.
You start slow. Explain a little bit if you know why it turns you on. Let her be in control of the mud/clay at first, try using maybe one of those clay masks if she uses beauty products so she can feel more comfortable and in control. Maybe try some sort of lube/oil on both of your bodies making out in the shower so she can get used to the sensation of something on her, and can see it as sort of sexy.
But for fucks sake, jumping in the bathtub full of clay and expecting her to just do everything you want without even really telling her what you want? I was trying to think of a hyperbolic example to compare it to, but that’s really just about all you could do to spook her away!
I have to echo the point other women have made about infection fears. It’s one thing for a guy to want to have sex in the mud, it’s another thing for a woman to contemplate mud getting in her vagina. Unless he’s willing to match her vaginal infection with, say, an Icy Hot handjob, he should explain HOW he is going to protect her from gynecological harm, or accept that his fantasy is outside the realm of possibility. It’s like ATM, maybe good in fantasy but not in real life.
I don’t care if my woman calls my cock “cute” or calls it “angry”, just so long as she calls it on a regular basis and enjoys sucking it and riding it. I’ve heard lots of adjectives used and never taken offense at ANY of them, because they have all been intended in a positive way. Just another example of reverse alchemy with someone trying to turn gold into lead. If your woman (or man) likes your cock, don’t question why.
Charlie, that’s sick. Hate to tell you but teen girl sleepovers are not mass masturbation sessions. I don’t think you should be around any teen girls, whether they are your daughter or your daughter’s friends.
charlie, you are *awesome*! How I longed for a “back massager” when I was a younger, virginal lass, but was too chicken to buy one! And as one of the other posters has noted, for a virgin, a huge 9″ vibe is a bit much for a lot of teens. A sparkly purple one might be just what the doctor ordered…if the embarassment can be overcome. Guess a lot depends on their relationship, my kids are still so young, I don’t know how I am going to handle those “talks”.
And guys can be cute; my bf is cute….and sexy, and FUCKING HOT….but his cock is not. His cock is his mighty weapon of pleasure!!!! >:)
@TMI: Yes, your daughter would likely feel awkward and embarrassed but the upside to that is that it will reinforce the idea that she can talk to you about anything no matter how embarrassing. If you do decide to leave it “anonymously” I agree with everyone else that a book about masturbation is a fantastic idea. I just want to add that it would be a great idea to include a bottle of lube (since not all lubes are safe for all toys) AND a bottle of toy cleaner (since using whatever is in the bathroom could cause health issues).
WTF? Cocks are adorable! They look like weird little dudes!
MUD should check out THeLittle Red Day Spa. They have a mud-play thing that couples can indulge in, then shower, then hit th ehot tub, get a massage or whatever. The mud is a little grainy, so it feels like a salt scrub, and has the by-product of being really good for your sking.
ps – sorry for my lousy typing.
@26 : I completely disagree… my girlfriend has some of the cutest little genitalia there is to be seen. I couldn’t really say that a penis is all that cute, unless it is on a child… where it is a non-sexual device.
@54 – good advice! also – giving your daughter something cute (but not penis shaped!) would, I think, lessen the awkward factor.
what are your thoughts on age? were you too young? too old? I was thinking 14-15, kind of as a graduation-from-middle-school present (!) or does that send out the wrong signals about high school!?
I think that some guys ahve cute cocks…but it is not something I would ever say to any of them…men have such big hang ups about their equipment
Sorry, but I gotta say, I think how MUD handled it is so much worse than people are thinking. I had to look it up, but he bought about 50 pounds of clay.
“I went and got some clay from the art store, showed it to her . . .” That’s 50 pounds of clay, presumably still in its packages, stacked on the diningroom table.
“she acted uncomfortable.” “I got the bathtub full of the ‘mud,’ . . .” So after he realizes that she is not reacting well, he proceeds to haul then entire 50 pounds of clay to the bathroom, unpack it, mix it with enough water to get muddy, which has got to be a huge job . . . All the while completely ignoring how she is reacting.
What is she doing this whole time? Standing there realizing that the guy she has committed herself to is either autistic or a sociopath. Her freak-out when he emerged naked and expected sexual favors was the natural and may I say rather restrained and moderate end-point of this.
The most amazing part of this whole story is that she went ahead and married him. A woman with such spectacularly bad emotional skills wouldn’t get past the first date. Sheesh.
The writer asked whether or not any women THINK cocks are cute. Dan’s answer was worthless, merely insisting that no man wants to be told his cock was cute. Maybe so, but that’s not what she asked about.
And the obvious answer, of course, is that soft cocks are cute and hard ones are hot.
I think my husband’s cock is adorable (when flaccid).
Beautiful.. is the word I use for my man’s penis. I never felt that way about another. I as much as I love cock have never really found them attractive. but I tell you what my man’s is beautiful and her loves the complement. I think if I said “cute” it would have all kinds of weird/bad connotations.
Beautiful.. is the word I use for my man’s penis. I never felt that way about another. I as much as I love cock have never really found them attractive. but I tell you what my man’s is beautiful and her loves the complement. I think if I said “cute” it would have all kinds of weird connotations.
Since the mom works in the sex toy industry and the daughter knows it, the mom can always say something like, “Give this to one of your friends, but don’t tell them that it was from me. I don’t want to know who you gave it to, so the police don’t arrest me for trying to seduce an underage girl or something.” There. The daughter can use it for herself or give it to one of her friends. Easy.
Beautiful.. is the word I use for my man’s penis. I never felt that way about another. I as much as I love cock have never really found them attractive. but I tell you what my man’s is beautiful and he loves the complement. I think if I said “cute” it would have all kinds of weird connotations.
I did not mean to post that so many times ha ha but I am that enthusiastic.
@77 Spot on. As soon as I read the price tag on the clay my jaw dropped. This wasn’t a little bit of clay for slicking a body up. This was a full immersion event. No, no, no, you idiot. When he told his wife he liked the idea of “sensuously rubbing against each other” while covered in a wet, slick substance she was probably envisioning a sexy spa treatment rather than fucking Swamp Thing.
And when your apparently GGG partner starts looking uncomfortable when you bring in your fifty God damned pounds of clay, you stop. You ask her if this is too soon. You talk things over. You don’t fill up the fucking tub and jump in.
Jesus. I have many kinks and I’ve introduced plenty of far wilder things than this to my boyfriend, but I’ve done so by talking about it every step of the way and making sure he knows how grateful and lucky I feel. I sure as hell would never spring something on him, ignore his obvious discomfort, and then lock myself in the bathroom to masturbate.
And this, MUD, is why I get to fulfill my fantasies with my partner.
If someone told me my cock was cute, I’d kick him in the nuts.
@85 Preach on. No, really, keep going! This is the advice Dan missed, and would be good for most people to hear, if they don’t know it.
@68 I don’t think that’s quite how Charlie intended but somehow now the image of a bunch of teenage girls masturbating in unison at a sleepover won’t leave my mind….thanks… (and this from a Kinsey 4/5 guy…)
I’m with everyone else. MUD was an idiot in the way he approached the whole thing.
Step 1: “Honey, I have a kink and it involves us getting literally dirty together”
Step 2: ????
Step 3: RAGING MUD SOAKED BONER!!!!
DO NOT SKIP STEP 2.
Step 2 is crucial.
I cannot stress enough the importance of Step 2. Step 2 is made up of little steps to Step 3. You discuss it, in MUD’s case, maybe some chocolate body paint to begin with, a bowl of mud in the bathroom to rub on one another. You have to build up the experience as a good one for your partner, not mortify them for years to come.
Unless your kink is to emotionally scar your partner and live in a relationship where one of you still feels freaked out and the other one is left with unfulfilled desires- DO NOT SKIP STEP 2.
82, that sounds soooo much shiftier than straight up giving it to her daughter, ahahahahaha.
Now, see, I don’t consider myself even a little bit kinky, but if I came home to my husband/BF “half covered in mud and fully aroused”, I just don’t see where the freaking out comes in. He’s told her about it, she’s said she was OK with it – even if it was not really what she’d had in mind, I don’t see what the problem was. It sounds kinda hot, honestly. And even if not, even if you are a bit startled and not sure you like this idea, you give it a go, you don’t freak.
But what I *really* can’t understand here is that neither of them dragged it out into the light and discussed it further. She’s pounding on the door – what happened then? They just dropped it? What kind of way is that to run a marriage?
I’d say that if we are throwing fault around, she’s at fault for freaking so badly, he’s at fault for going into his jerkoff session rather than trying to calm her, and they are both at fault for not talking it out – if not that night, the next day.
Cocks may not be cute, but some are cuter than others.
I feel sorry for MUD, but good fucking christ did he handle that situation badly. As others have noted above, 50 goddamn dollars worth of clay?! And then, to walk into the bathroom to see the man you love all crazy-eyed with lust while he sits in a tub of WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY BATHTUB YOU NEVER TOLD ME IT’D BE A WHOLE FUCKING SWAMP’S WORTH OF CLAY and you didn’t put a dropcloth or anything down to protect the floor!!! and holy fucking shit are those my GOOD towels sitting 2 inches away from the Creature in his Black Lagoon?!? why can’t we just talk about this a little more because the thought that all this mud might cause irreparable hard to my pussy and my plumbing is freaking me out… oh, no, you’re just going to lock the door and masturbate feverishly even though I’m super freaked out, fine, fine, I’m just never going to speak of this again.
I feel for her. I feel bad for him too, but you have to ease people into things.
I still think people are missing the most disturbing part of his letter. She didn’t come home and find him all set up, like rose-petals on the bed only kinkier. No, he barged around the house setting it all up in front of her, AFTER seeing that she was uncomfortable about it.
Most of this has already been said before probably, but …
On MUD, I read the first letter as he met this woman, told her about the fetish three years ago and married her a year later. Then he waited two years after the wedding to spring the actual experience on her.
Honestly, I think he’s a massive jerk. I don’t even find his fetish that wacky and could easily see myself participating in it. But he’s a total dickhead. I’d divorce him for being emotionally leotarded.
1) You don’t just spring it on her and inform her it’s going to happen “right now.” He needed to broach the topic and GIVE HER A CHOICE in advance. 2) You don’t go “full tub” the first time around – you ease into things. 3) When your significant other seems uncomfortable with the direction you are taking you BACK THE FUCK OFF. 4) If you have freaked out and disturbed your significant other you write off the measly $50 worth of clay and ask to discuss the matter, not lock the door and spank the monkey. After all, a divorce is a hell of a lot more expensive.
Dude, you need a shrink. Not because of your fetish, but because of your horrendous interpersonal skills. I’m thinking that’s more what’s kept you isolated than your rather boring fetish.
TMI, you sound like a great mom. Leave it somewhere she will find it and have the masturbation conversation in a completely separate time and place. She’ll put two and two together.
I beg to differ. Some cocks are just plain adorable.
Well, I’m under-gifted in the cock department, meaning I rather got the short end of the stick. And telling me I’m big would just be a ridiculous lie. I think my cock is very cute. In fact, it’s fricken adorable, thank you very much.
#89 (Mistress D) nailed it.
My local art store sells 50lb boxes of clay for $22.50 and I’ve seen clay for as little as $15 for a 50lb box, so $50 worth of clay could have been 100lb or more.
And you definitely don’t want to send that much clay down a regular household drain. That leads to nasty nasty plumbing problems.
When I was 16 my mom and her friends(who I had grown up with) went to a sex shop and got me a pocket rocket vibrator. I was totally confused and a little confused, and it sat in my sock drawer for about a month before I was even able to take it out of my drawer. Even if there was a brief moment of being weirded out it was totally worth it for the hours of fun and sexual exploration that I got out of it, and when I turned 20 I thanked my mom for it.
So in short, adult industry mom, go for it! your daughter will appreciate the power you’ll be giving her(eventually!)
My mans cock isn’t cut but it does taste like fresh baked cookies.
Really! Yum!
Cute is as cute does….
I’m a chick. My boyfriend’s cock is certifiably cute. And he hates hearing it. Heh.
Cocks are weird looking. But I prefer pussy anyway, so there you go.
Also, all teenagers should have access to vibrators. Batteries are way cheaper than abortions.
Cocks can be beautiful? They’ve always seemed ‘awkward’ to me. Not like snakes, more… sea cucumbers: brainless and fragile. But maybe it’s just context.
I think my boyfriend’s cock is cute, especially as it seems to have a mind of its own sometimes. I like to give it little kisses and nuzzle my cheek against it affectionately because the skin there is really soft and touchable. It’s hard not to go, “D’awww…” at it. I guess I think of penises as small pets?
I’d vote no on giving the daughter a vibrator, even with a note. It’s really gross to think of your parents while masturbating, even tangentially–unless you’re into that sort of thing. I say, assign her the task of throwing them out–and if she steals one for herself, that’s her prerogative.
Mud guy, as a ceramic student: be careful with dumping loads of clay down drains. It can turn to sediment and clog your pipes. Also, you can reuse clay if you have a way of dehydrating it back to a similar state.
@TMI, five years ago I was fifteen. I freaking wish my mom just gave me a vibrator. I definitely would say go with a note and book and leave it on the bed. She’ll appreciate it in the long run, if not right away. I know I was frustrated as hell at that age and having a vibe probably woulda calmed me a bit haha. I also second the cute non-penis-shaped sentiment. Those big things STILL freak me out, and I’m no where near a virgin anymore.
“Cute” usually means “small”, which would be where some people might have an aversion to having it applied to penises.
That said, as a fairly slutty bi guy, I don’t recall ever thinking a cock was “cute”. The strangest adjective I have used to describe a cock was probably “photogenic”.
So while Mom’s open about her sexual preferences and the fact that she works in the industry, what TMI doesn’t say is how her 15-year-old feels about it or if she ever talks to her Mom about sex. My Mom was a pro but it certainly didn’t make me feel like I could talk to her about anything sexually related. And I would have been mortified if she’d ever given me a vibrator.
So unless TMI and her daughter usually have a very open dialogue about sex I’d suggest the more sneaky throw down of the vibrator.
Damn! That would’ve been so cool!
I’m a girl and I’ve totally thought cocks were cute… and I don’t mean ‘small’. I mean adorable and deserving of love and cuddles. Don’t most cocks want love and cuddles?
I’ve seen some cute cocks. I’ve seen some that are straight up adorable.
Why? Because cocks are usually representations of the person they are attached to.
Not all cock owners are powerful, sexy pinnicles of hard-core masculinity.
Some guys are just….cute. Everything about them is cute. Even their adorable cocks.
They don’t seem to mind when I tell them that, either.
@68, Having been a teenage girl at one point, I KNOW what sleepovers are like. Which is why I told her not to keep her vibrator out in the open. So that catty teenage girls wouldn’t tease her about having one. I have no idea where you got the idea I was suggesting they share the thing, since I specifically said for her to stash it in the nightstand so they wouldn’t see it, but whatever.
@115
Yes, @68 was having a major failure of reading comprehension. For what it’s worth, I think you have a good way of handling it–sex positive without being really explicit about it. I think all teenage girls should get vibrators, but it’s difficult for a parent to help out with this without it being kind of icky.
@3:
“…you’re already in the tub so cleaning up would be a breeze.”
Not quite. The fine particles in clay can, if they go down the drain, accumulate over time. Depending how long/often MUD is using clay in the tub, he could wind up with some very expensive plumbing repair bills. To be safe, he may want to look into a sediment trap. Some large art studio supply stores will have them available for those that do a lot of pottery.
@115
I understood what you meant the first time as well. Man, I WISH my mom had given me a vibrator. Sure, it would have been awkward, but most interactions with teenage daughters are awkward. I think a lot of girls that age need to know that it’s okay to masturbate. It would have been helpful for someone to tell me that it’s not dirty or desperate or weird, contrary to what my Catholic school teachers preached or my friends with horny 14-year-old boyfriends said.
Plus, I was so curious at the time that I was stealing our vibrating hairbrush from the bathroom… and subsequently felt more guilty about masturbation. Took a long time to rectify that sex-phobic period of life!
Yeah, I’d say “massively throbbing” and “rock hard son of a bitch” don’t really belong in the same thought process as “cute” —
Nice to know Dan actually makes sense once in a while.
I strongly disagree with anyone advising for the parents to just leave a vibe as a “present” on the bedstand. Talk about boundaries violation and confusion. It’s way too personal.
Better idea: An age appropriate book about safe sex and abstinence, along with a discussion about responsibility and health.
You can legally purchase vibrators at any age. They’re legally available for sale at dept. and drug stores everywhere as “penis shaped, battery operated neck massagers”, etc. I even have one such “neck massager” from Target with a USB cord that I got for less than 10 dollars.
If your teen really wants one they’ll buy one without assistance. When I was a teen I knew where to buy them, I just didn’t. Self-discovery is an important process, especially when it comes to something really personal like masturbation.
A flaccid, uncircumcised cock is adorable. He’s got a little cave he hides in, peeking his one eye out, waiting for his big moment.
It doesn’t get any cuter than that.
Now, when called upon, he grabs his sword and declares, “By the power of Greyskull, I HAVE THE POWER,” and he transforms into hot and impressive and manly and whatnot.
But, before that…..cute. Very definitely cute.
When I was a teen, I would have totally raided the “sex toys in their original packaging” drawer if my mom had such a thing. Moms are meant to be embarrassing. That’s what parents do. I fully support having a place where the extra (unused, obviously) sex toys are kept, when she feels like experimenting. MUCH better than using something that wasn’t meant to be a sex toy and risking injury with household items. Couldn’t hurt to put some safe lube and condoms in there as well. Better safe than sorry. hell, I might throw a morning after pill in there. Just make sure you say “if you’re ever interested, you can raid this cabinet” and not “here’s a vibrator. Stick it up your twat.”
Concerning mud and other “messy” items getting up in orifices where it shouldn’t be: I would wear panties. Maybe two pairs layered. They could be thongs, they just need to fit tightly enough that you’re not getting extra fluids inside yourself. I think that’s a good compromise between genital health and kinky GGG action. I can certainly still get off if I’m wearing panties, and the husband could be completely naked if he wants to be.
I’m mostly worried about the plumbing, now that $50 of clay has been drained into it. Keep the plumber’s number handy is about all the advice I can offer.
A few words of caution regarding vibrator use at a tender age. When your neurons (brain) and nerves (crotch) are learning what they like, there is some danger in getting habituated to the incredibly intense and efficacious stimulation that only a silicon device plus electricity plus high frequency vibrating motor can provide. It’s a drag to have to introduce your toys to every new lover forever, when it could have been avoided by making sure, as a young teen, you could come with HANDS ONLY. In my work (women’s health care provider) I have met a number of women over the years who regret early and regular vibrator use. One can wean, but it’s difficult. Sometimes I think vibrators should be saved for later when your sexual response patterns (to non-vibratory, non-electrified other humans) are well established. Maybe a Surgeon General’s warning on the package? Just sayin’.
I also read MUD’s letter in the context that he had told his future wife about his fetish two years ago, and only just recently tried to engage her in it. Having a conversation in which you tell someone that you like to play with mud during sex, then letting it sit for a long time without actually introducing the fetish is a TERRIBLE way to go about it, but even if he had the conversation and sprang the mud on her a few days after her approval, this is a dick move.
Oh, it wouldn’t have been a dick move if he had gotten a little mud or clay and introduced her to it gradually, in small increments. But to buy $50 worth of clay and fill the entire bathtub with it as a “surprise”? Dick move. He’s so self-centered that it appears that all he could think about was how awesome HE would find that surprise, not how it would come across to even the most GGG partner. Put this in the context of another fetish, let’s say something simple like bondage. It would be like saying, “Hey honey, I enjoy bondage, would you mind doing that with me sometime?” her saying yes, then you “surprising” her with a full blown reverse suspension ropework scene as her first introduction, when she was probably expecting something simple like handcuffs. Sure, you can work into the suspension scene, but damnit, you don’t START with that. The very fact that he thought this was a good idea shows that he’s probably a self-centered asshole, might very well prefer his fetish over her (especially considering that he assumed that locking her out and jerking off was a great idea and not at all offensive), but is certainly giving her that impression even if he doesn’t.
Last but not least, as harmless as a mud fetish sounds to me, I would be horrified if I came home to find my bathtub filled with mud. Does clay seriously just wash down the drain without causing a PITA clog? I would have my doubts. And being the person usually responsible for the cleaning, I would be pissed as hell being the one to have to deal with the aftermath. So, if my partner ever surprised me with a bathtub filled with mud, even if I had fully expected to wallow around in mud together at some point, I would be so horrified with the cleaning logistics the moment I saw the bathtub filled that I really wouldn’t find it sexy anymore. Get yourself a kiddy pool, mud puppies.
I’m a straight middle aged woman, and I have always thought cocks were very cute, once I have gotten to know them.
A pound of clay doesn’t wash down the drain, it clogs a drain. Much less 50 pounds. “Ghost” fantesy.
I sure hope Mud writes in to share the follow-up. Hope he hands her this column, tells her he’s sorry for freaking her out, and books a trip for two to some resort where they can take a mud bath together. Just freakin google it, bra.
Mud guy – Maybe she had just cleaned the bathroom!! Anyway – christmas is here – buy her a couple day at the spa. Make sure that they offer mud baths. Then broach the subject with her and get her to try a non-threatening mud soak w/o the sex. You may even be able to do it together – in two separate tubs – and even if you get very excited – behave yourself. No body worker wants to be greated with your fantasy. Then afterwards discuss the whole experience with your wife. Even if the thought of playing in mud is replusive (is she a neat freak) – most women will enjoy spa treatments – then there is a whole world of “spa treatments” that include mud (dead sea mud, etc.) that you two can enjoy. Just take it slowly…
When my daughter was a teenager – some of my vibrators would just “disappear”. Evidently, I bought her a vibrator and just left it in the bag it came in. Evenually it just “disappeared” also. My daughter is now 33 and we can talk about mastrabation and sex toys – and she also has a good sex life. I also feel that mastrabation for young girls helps them find their way later when partners are involved.
response to fiftynfun. I’m 60 and started sticking any and everything up my twat at the age of 12 (and can remember crayons up my butt at 5). Can’t say it ever hurt me. I didn’t have a vibrator – but found a great substitute – the bathtub faucet. Why do we think that young teens are not sexual. By the way, once I got past the wam, bam boys of my youth – I’ve been multi orgasmic since. We’re still a very puritanical country. Let them have vibrators – whenever they are ready!!!
@125 Vibrators might ruin it for some women, but not all. I never got off by my hands alone and always used a vibrator from the age of fifteen onward, so I was worried when it came to partner sex I’d be anorgasmic. Oh my no. The first time my boyfriend and I got into it I lasted about thirty seconds. Instead of deadening my nerves, it seems as though my vibrators just primed me for multiple orgasms. If only all young women were so lucky!
As a potter, I have to say NEVER PUT CLAY DOWN THE DRAIN! Aaaack! I cringed when I read that line!
But other than that, I’m all for that fetish.
Cocks are beautiful. They are fragile. They are sensitive. Once you grab a hold of them you basically have control of the situation. I think that qualifies them as cute. I would never tell a man that, though, at least not in a language that he understood.
Hey Mud… if you can afford the fancy Mudbath at the spa, Google Soap Lake, Washington/mudbath.
Hey Mud… if you CAN’T afford the fancy Mudbath at the spa, Google Soap Lake, Washington/mudbath.
Self-serve mudbath. Apparantly very soothing and great for your skin.
MUD needs social skills. What a douche move. @57 nailed it. It would suck to ask a partner what they’re into hoping for anal, girl-on-girl, BDSM, roleplaying, etc. and get sex in 50 some odd pounds of mud.
TMI is an awesome mom. I remember the bathtub faucet days. God, I wish my mom gave me a vibrator.
I don’t think cocks are cute. Enjoyable, pleasure giving, but not cute. Kind of ugly actually, but this is coming from someone who doesn’t find men physically attractive.
#77 & #85 – Couldn’t agree more, thanks for saving me the time of typing it.
MUD, you handled it like a creep/asshole, and it’s even more creepy/assholish that you can’t see that. Your fetish is fine, but IMO you should see someone about your social/personal skills.
@125 — I’m fascinated by this and would like to learn more. Where can I read more about habituation at an early age. Do you have any resources?
I’m not sure that I’d want my penis to be described as “cute.” (Well, I wouldn’t really want my penis described as anything but “nonexistent”, but….) Cute conjures up images of a, small things and b, young children. Call me crazy, but I wouldn’t want my sex partner associating my cock with the small cock of a prepubescent boy, thanks.
“a petite sparkly purple vibrator”…
I just had a great merchandising idea for Twilight.
Thank you for the feedback #131 and #132. To clarify, I too was a busy masturbator from a young age (orgasms at 10) and a well-aimed stream of water was my best friend. I submit that a stream of water is a different entity from a battery powered device. I have never had a patient tell me she wished the clawfoot bathtub of her youth didn’t dominate her sex life as a young’un. I am all for masturbation for everyone-the young, the old, the halt, the lame, etc. And I’m glad to hear from 132 that regular use of a vibrator did not limit her later.
@139–No resources about this specifically, just anecdotally from my work as a provider of women’s health for 20 years. I had a 30 something woman not too long ago tell me that her mother, with whom she had a terrific relationship, gave her a vibrator for her 16th birthday. It was the coolest thing ever at the time, all her friends were jealous, etc, but it lead to regret that she couldn’t come without it. I think anyone can retrain herself, but it’s hard. There is a website called “healthy strokes” about teen masturbation that focuses on warning boys to avoid “traumatic masturbation syndrome”–which is masturbating in a prone position with too much pressure on the penis. Leads to being unable to ejaculate during garden-variety intercourse, and never when he’s on his back. Kind of interesting how many boys and men write in saying they have a problem with this.
@141 – too late!
http://store.babeland.com/dildos-silicon…
As a straight girl who loves, craves, cock, I can tell you that none of them are cute (and none, in my experience are, as Dan said, “vaguely thrteatenting”) but they are Beautiful. Like a sweet Calla Lily
@142
I don’t know. Some people (like me) really are just extraordinarily insensitive, physically, period. I masturbated for years, starting from a young age without ever having an orgasm. Not even after water faucets and every other sort of means I could try. Very concerted efforts. Not until my first ‘vibrator’ (electric toothbrush, yo), did I ever experience an orgasm.
Some people just can’t do it manually. I don’t think I’ll ever be orgasmic during sex, either–oral certainly doesn’t seem to work 🙁 –but that’s not the fault of my vibrator (now an actual vibrator!).
I really think it’s jumping to conclusions to draw a causal connection like that. People shouldn’t blame their past behavior for how their body just is.
@146:
Are you me? Because that’s pretty much my story, right down to the electric toothbrush.
Thanks fiftynfun (143). My problem too (orgasms at 4, sheesh, my kids are that age). Never been able to orgasm without being completely in control and basically using my partners as a masturbatory aide!! No fun for them really. Interesting to see that it can be a problem for men as well as for us women.
@36 What if the guy IS cute? (i.e. not sexy, or hot, or handsome… just cute?). Take what you can get, I say!
Hooray, news of the It Gets Better Project on one of my gaming-nerd blogs:
http://kotaku.com/5714698/eas-gay-and-le…
And hooray for EA.
TMI’s daughter knows what she does for a living. All she has to do is put the vibrator in a plain gift bag, hand it over, and say, “I got this as a sample, and it’s not something I’ll use. If you don;t want it, you can get rid of it. Let me know if you have any questions,” and then give daughter some space. If daughter is uncomfortable, the whole thing end right there.
TMI should have a talk with her daughter about how your first partner should be yourself (knowing your own body). But that, like anything, infection prevention is very important (not sharing, hand washing) Mention that anything in that particular drawer is up for grabs for herself OR anyone she wants to give it to. Stress that you don’t want any of it and that you don’t keep track of it. This could easily lead into the subject of respecting each others privacy, (any other drawer is off limits) that you trust her and won’t snoop and you expect the same. Yeah, could be uncomfortable, but seeing how she’s already acquainted with your sexual preference and profession, shouldn’t be too bad. It also allows her to do some shopping and to have control of her own sexuality without shame. I think we’d all be better off if this were the case.
And for christ sake, put a new bottle of lube in the drawer. So much suffering could have been avoided if I’d know about and been comfortable with lube.
I’ve called my boyfriend’s cock “adorable” and probably “cute” on occasion. I use it because it really captures the irrepressible feeling I get to cuddle and nuzzle the shit out of it when I see it.
I always tell him that too, which staves off any misinterpretation that I see him as diminutive, etc.
I don’t really get the automatic association we’re making between “cute” and “small.” Girls use “cute” as shorthand for attractive men all the time.
Well I’m a woman, and I think they are cute. And I don’t date any guy who’s too insecure to handle having his cock called cute. They are. (Sometimes.) They look like dinosaurs! Or little gerbils with helmets! They can be hot as WELL as cute.
I also don’t date any guy who gets freaked out if I call his flaccid cock “small,” when it’s obvious I mean “in comparison to the erect state.” I mean, I say more orthodox flattering things too, but I have very little patience for macho complexes.
MUD dude, she wasn’t pounding on the door because she was jealous you were jerking off; she probably knocked in order to apologize and re-establish communication and found you’d locked her out. Also, I can’t get over choosing the tub of mud over the upset woman – I mean, really! The person with the fetish has to work really, really hard not to obsess. I once dated a guy with a foot fetish and I ended up breaking it off – not because it grossed me out – but because I ended up feeling like a pair of feet that happened to have a girl attached. Anyway, you don’t need my advice because Dan’s was excellent – but I do recommend you try and put yourself in the other person’s place. Imagine she was obsessed with something you’re indifferent to. (let’s randomly pick pencils). Now imagine she had 60 pencils in the bed, you got stuck by one and were bleeding and went to get a bandaid, saying, “sorry, can’t do the pencils” and she locked the door to be alone with her pencils and didn’t care about your injury.
maybe she was pounding at the door because she needed to use the toilet
Wow, I am really disappointed in Dan on this one.
I almost always agree with his judgment.
I am a gwm with an extremely “cute” Asian partner (together 17 years).
Everything about him is “cute”.
He is 5’0 105pounds and keeps his hwp 4 inch hard and 1 inch soft cock completely shaved.
He has a very tight to his body little ball sac, and maybe even Dan would have to admit that his genitals are “cute”.
Surely, Dan would not suggest that I should stop calling him cute, because Dan likes them hung or whatever, as we both really get off on our kind of play!
Cocks are too cute! And hot. And odd. They are marvelous and magical. (Actully, I complimented my husband for his with a “that’s a pretty cock” just a second ago.)
And, MUD – I’ think your kink is cute! I’d love to play with clay… But a bathtub full of it seems kind of frightening. So, maybe that’s what went wrong.
Cocks are too cute! And hot. And odd. They are marvelous and magical.
(Actually, I complimented my husband for his with a “that’s a pretty cock” just a second ago when he walked by on his way to the shower.)
And, MUD – I’ think your kink is cute! I’d love to play with clay… But a bathtub full of it seems kind of frightening. So, maybe that’s what went wrong.
I’m shocked – I think cocks are just perfectly ADORABLE when flaccid. Very cute in my book.
I’m shocked – I think cocks are just perfectly ADORABLE when flaccid. Very cute in my book!
Ooof. Sorry for the double post. Blasted sign up labyrinths.
As with other commenters, my first thought when reading MUD’s letter was something along the lines of, “Holy mother of fuck, how the hell is he going to get the mud out of the bathtub?!” You can’t wash anything and everything down the drain, and getting your bathtub clogged is so much more difficult to fix than your sink or your toilet. If I was MUD’s wife, I would be open to messing around with clay, but I still would have flipped out at his presentation for purely utilitarian reasons. I’ve done some pottery before, and let me tell you, clay can be a pain to clean up even in facilities equipped to handle it. And be assured that when we had extra clay in my pottery classes, the stuff went in the trash, not in the sink, because of the clogging issue. I’m not even sure I believe this is a real letter BECAUSE I can’t imagine him getting a tub full of clay-mud down the drain without there being a problem.
Here’s how you pull off a nice muddy date. Get a hotel room, some spa-grade theraputic mud and a BIG housekeeping tip… your wife will love it. Much better than art mud in your bathroom at home. ps, give housekeeping a headsup that the bathroom will require extra time to clean up because you will be doing some in room “spa treatments” and make sure you give enough tip to compensate.
Mud. Hmmm… I’m pretty vanilla, but a mud fetish barely makes me raise an eyebrow. I think that is pretty low-level on the kink-meter. I think MUD’s problem has more to do with his approach than the kink itself.
Okay, so the mud scene fell apart. Neither party handled it well. MUD seems to have handled it particularly badly. Regardless how they got to this point, Dan is right. You have to talk about it. It isn’t going to get better if you both maintain the silent treatment.
TMI: I second @44. Talking about sex or sex toys with mom is almost always very awkward. But when I was a teen, I had one uncle who seemed really cool, and I could talk to him much more easily than my parents. If you know of another adult in your daughter’s life that she talks to about this, the vibrator might be more acceptable from them.
Cute: No. Never. “Cute” is too often synonymous with “small”. And no guy wants to be told his dick is small.
Why the fuck isn’t there a universal guide on how to get partners acclimated to weird fetishes? And no, I’m not talking about spanking or dirty talk; I’m talking about the kind of stuff that most people haven’t even heard of, and would react very poorly to if not introduced slowly and carefully.
As someone who’s been very successful at making my weirdo fetishes part of my happy and healthy sex life, I can safely say that you kind of messed up at every step of the way, MUD.
My mother was damn-near victorian in her prim and properness; she never even swore. But she did pass on age appropriate sex-ed books by the simple expedient of leaving them on my bed AND NEVER MENTIONING THEM AGAIN. EVER. And I am eternally grateful. Vibrators are next-level, but I think for this generation the same conditions would apply. Leaving them would probably be ok, but one mention over breakfast of “hey, so how did that work out for you?” would probably scar the daughter for life.
This whole column makes me want to go watch Rocky Horror Picture Show all over again!!
OH! Rocky!
Where do people get the idea that $50 worth of clay is a huge amount? I don’t think any of you are artists who use modeling clay in your work. The stuff’s expensive. It’s not like he was buried up to his neck in a huge block of clay with only his cock in sight.
But to address the question of why she acted like she did: when he asked her about his fetish, they weren’t married. When a woman marries a guy it often changes him, in her estimation. He goes from being potential husband material to being potential father material. She may have felt that the time to explore fetishes (including his incredibly harmless fetish) was before he moved from being “potential husband to future father of my kids that I’m building a life with.” To her it represented a step backward, not a step forward toward the relationship and future she had her eye on.
Learning to masterbate is not brain surgery. The 15 year old has either already explored her body w/her hands or the shower massage – or she will soon. Why anyone thinks she needs her MOM to provide her w/a vibrator and a book is beyond me. I haven’t bought my 15 year old son Penthouse – nor am I planning on buying my 13 year old daughter any sort of masterbatory devices, visual or otherwise. Especially if this girl’s mom is open about sex, her sexuality, and her job, the girl is fine about her own sexuality and will get it figured out.
BTW…new here – what on earth does GGG mean?????
It was just a little mud! Holy crap, I can’t believe anyone really has a problem with this. You’d think savage love readers would be a little more open minded than they apparently are.
Thank god I have a real GGG partner, I’d hate to have sex with anyone who finds a problem with this scenario. In fact, I might use this as a litmus test in te future for a new partner should I need one. Freak out about this — no getting in my pants. All of you up there failed the test, and trust me, you’re missing out.
@173: Seriously?
In the LW’s own words: First “she acted uncomfortable” when presented with the reality of his fetish, then when he pressed on with things “she totally freaked out.”
Did he stop, check in with her, walk her back from the edge? Er, no. Again, his words: “There was $50 worth of clay in the tub that I didn’t want to go to waste. So I locked her out and decided to try to make the best of it.”
That is the EXACT OPPOSITE of GGG behaviour on his part. He didn’t give a rat’s ass about his partner – he had $50 worth of clay and a hard-on, and goddamnit he was going to put them to use.
Could his partner have been more open-minded? Sure. Could other women have responded more favourably? Absolutely. But in the moment, the woman he was with was finding it difficult to indulge his kink – his kink, not hers. He was asking her to step outside her comfort zone, but he clearly wasn’t willing to take the time she needed to feel safe in doing so.
He wasn’t selfish in asking her to engage with him in his fetish. He wasn’t selfish in taking steps to make it happen. But when she flipped out, he had a choice between satisfying himself or taking care of his partner. And he made the selfish choice.
If you don’t see something wrong with that, then trust me, we’re not missing out on anything.
@171, I’m not an artist, but this inspired me to look up prices for clay, and most internet retailers offer modeling clay for around $25 for 50 lbs. There are fancier types of modeling clay that cost a bit more, but why would he use those?
Hey, uptight bitch @ 174, I’m pretty sure the wife said she was up for anything. Why should he play all nicey-nice after she freaked out and humiliated him? I’d let her go fuck herself too. Wifey is a LIAR.
Uptight bitch? Wrong on several counts (not the least of which is that I do not have the necessary equipment to qualify) but thanks anyway for making it clear that you are a misogynist asshole.
But hey, I don’t envy all those uptight bitches who sure are missing out by not getting into your pants.
To the mud guy: Watch Ghost with your wife.
Clay sounds chafey.
Aww uptight bitch got her feelings hurt. Good to know I’m a woman hating woman. Way to throw out $2 words! Makes you sound like a 19 year old sociology major.
@180: I seem to have touched a nerve.
Speaking as a straight girl, cocks are DEFINITELY adorable when completely flaccid. As Erika Moen says (http://www.darcomic.org/2008/08/06/shrin…), “I feel like a benevolent giant protecting the villagers.”
i’ve seen some beautiful penises, but not many ‘cute’ ones.
@175: “There are fancier types of modeling clay that cost a bit more, but why would he use those?”
Maybe it’s just his personal preference for how it feels, etc. It’s like how people spend more on, well, pretty much anything.
@172: Good, game, giving.
One more vote for cocks being “cute”.
I find that I’m more attracted to “cute” guys than to “hot” guys. “Hot” can be intimidating. “Cute” is more in line with guys in the real world. Plus, “cute” guys aren’t pursued like “hot” guys are, so the “cute” guys tend to be more appreciative when they do get pursued.
After my partner and I wrapped up a year-long sex ed curriculum for our church’s teen group, we wanted to get nice little presents for the kids, and considered vibrators for the girls (all 15-17 years old [the girls, not the vibrators]). Then we found out we could go to JAIL — apparently it’s illegal in this state to give a minor a sex toy. Also to mail-order one, even if you’re of age. It’s literally easier to buy a gun than a dildo in Texas — how fucked-up is that?
However, “personal massagers” can be found in any Walgreens. And if you want to give the teen girl in your life a little push toward sexual health, just gift her a vibrating hairbrush or electric toothbrush. She’ll figure it out.
OMG it’s f*ing CLAY! He didn’t ask her to sh*t down his mouth while he wore women’s clothes! Did he pick this lady up at a latter day saint’s meeting or what? Savage you blew it.
@187 Like everyone else is saying here, it’s not the fetish that’s the problem (I personally find it quite hot, if a bit risky- muddy vajay-jay, not fun), it’s the way in which MUD dealt with his partner’s discomfort. He chose to go fully into indulging his own fetish, neglecting the needs of his wife (not to mention their plumbing). Dan’s just pointing out the obvious- there’s a right way and a wrong way to introduce a fetish to your partner, and MUD did it the wrong way.
aww… I like few things better than an ADORABLE cock.
I hope I’m not too late for the MUD fetish guy, but you and all others who are into Mud should travel to the Bay of Fundy in Eastern Canada. The Bay has the highest tides in the world and it is a stunningly beautiful area for all. However, the Bay is full of a very soft, silky and sensual mud that covers your body. In my University days I would takes groups to the Bay for mud sliding and it was an awesome feeling. I was too repressed at the time to make it sexual, but for someone into such a thing, this would be heaven. Link here to see a photo of the mudflats and learn more about the Bay
http://bayoffundy.com/articles/intertida…
Sorry Dan, some cocks are cute – especially when they are soft and clean. A lot of straight girls have not seen the number of cocks that most gay guys have – and therefore don’t know the difference. I love touching and playing with a cute cock, tonguing and then blowing a cute cock. After the foreplay it becomes something else and that is great too. Cute cocks don’t have to stay cute after arousal..(I also like cocks that aren’t clean – and they are called something else.). Cute cocks are usually on cute guys.
I have to disagree on that last one! My very first vibrator was given to me by my mother when I was a teenager. I’ve worked in the adult industry and bought many since then, but it is still the only one I keep next to my bed and use at least once a day! As creepy as it sounds, I owe my first orgasm to my mom. Weird, huh?
My advice? Do it like my mom did: She put the vibrator on my bed. She didn’t hand it to me; I never saw her with it. She briefly explained the “gift” to me after I discovered it: no big production, no discomfort. Just a quick explaination and then move on to something else. It’ll be weird for a minute, but just fine in the long run!
I have to disagree on that last one! My very first vibrator was given to me by my mother when I was a teenager. I’ve worked in the adult industry and bought many since then, but it is still the only one I keep next to my bed and use at least once a day! As creepy as it sounds, I owe my first orgasm to my mom. Weird, huh?
My advice? Do it like my mom did: She put the vibrator on my bed. She didn’t hand it to me; I never saw her with it. She briefly explained the “gift” to me after I discovered it: no big production, no discomfort. Just a quick explaination and then move on to something else. It’ll be weird for a minute, but just fine in the long run!
You know, I’m pretty GGG according to my husband and girlfriend but if he told me he had a mud thing, and we were going to get into it, I’d be all envisioning Ghost right? Then he gets a bunch of clay that takes up more volume that both our bodies combined while I’m wondering “wtf does he want to do with all that shit?!” and he doesn’t notice I’m wondering “wtf?” and then he comes out covered in mud all I am thinking is “what a goddamn mess what kind of freak are you yuck this is disgusting what are you some kind of porcine you’re not sticking your muddy dick anywhere near my cho cho ewwwww!”
That said… I think this letter is fake. Someone that into playing in mud would know by now not to wash that much down the drain.