I am a 33-year-old married male who has a WAM—wet and messy—fetish. I’m into mud and clay. I have played with various substances in the bathroom by myself over the years. It always ends with me masturbating myself into oblivion, wishing there were someone with me so we could sensuously rub against each other, etc., until we both climax. But I’m always alone!
I was always too shy to share this fetish with anyone until three years ago, when I told the woman I’ve now been married to for two years. She assured me that I should never be ashamed of any of my fantasies and that she would be glad to help me fulfill them. But when I went and got some clay from the art store, showed it to her, and said that we were going to be having some fun, she acted uncomfortable. Once I got the bathtub full of the “mud,” got naked, and started to coax her into the room, she totally freaked out.
Needless to say, I was mortified and disappointed, and there was $50 worth of clay in the tub that I didn’t want to go to waste. So I locked her out and decided to try to make the best of it. This backfired because soon she was pounding on the door like she was jealous that I was in there pleasuring myself. I washed off, washed everything down the drain, and opened the door, but it was too late. She was angry and wouldn’t say anything the rest of the day. Neither of us has spoken of it since.
I still have my fantasies, but now I feel I have to hide them. I have magazines and videos that I masturbate to, but it goes no further than that. So my questions are:
1. Am I some kind of a freak or weirdo?
2. Have you ever heard of this fetish before?
3. If so, why doesn’t anyone else ever write to you about similar fetishes?
4. Will I ever be able to show this side of me to my wife, or should I just hide it from her forever?
Mis-Understood Dude
Let me get this straight: Three years ago you shared your fetish and fantasies with the woman you married two years ago, and your then non-wife assured you that she wanted to help you fulfill all of your fantasies—but she completely flipped out when you filled the tub with clay. And 12 months later, you married her anyway?
I’m not endorsing the way you sprang a tub full of clay on your future wife—maybe she reacted badly because the bathroom was an unholy mess? Maybe you should’ve stopped everything and talked things through when she acted uncomfortable? Maybe the sight of you half-covered in mud and fully aroused was too much, too soon?—but why on earth didn’t you get to the bottom of this before you married this woman?
Sounds to me like you really spooked the wife-to-be, MUD, both with that “Hey, here’s a tub full of clay!” move and then, when she balked, by going right ahead with one of your solo mud-and-sex sessions instead of putting your orgasm on hold to, gee, go and inquire after the future wife’s feelings about what just went down. At that moment, she may have concluded that given a choice between her and a tub full of clay, you would choose a tub full of clay—because that’s just what you did… and yet she married you anyway.
People are fucking mysteries, man.
And in answer to your questions…
1. Yes, but your kinky weirdo freakiness is charming and harmless and not anything that you need to feel ashamed of, MUD.
2. Yes, yours is a relatively common fetish, MUD, one that exists on a continuum. Wet-and-messy play can involve substances that are harmless and represent a low barrier to entry for the loving, GGG, nonfetishist partner—mud, food, condiments, etc.—or substances that are not at all harmless and represent an impossibly high barrier to entry, e.g., shit, vomit, snot. Your kink could be much, much more problematic.
3. Other people have. Yours isn’t the first letter I’ve run from/about a weirdo freak like you.
4. You already showed this side of yourself to the wife. She knows, you know she knows, but you’re both pretending not to know what you damn well do know. To avoid becoming completely sexually estranged, TALK TO YOUR WIFE. Ask her what went wrong—how did she go from “never be ashamed… glad to help [you fulfill your fantasies]” to freaking out and pounding on doors and ignoring the mud-caked elephant in the room for more than three years?
Ask her to open up—beg her to open up—and apologize to her out of the gate for botching it, for rushing her, for being so insensitive as to prioritize the clay over her feelings after she freaked. And then tell her you want to be able to work on building a healthy, honest, and mutually satisfying sexual relationship, one that meets your needs and hers, but to do that you’re going to have to start communicating with each other again.
I have a 15-year-old daughter. I am bisexual and work in marketing for the adult industry;
both are things I explained to her when I thought she was old enough to form an understanding of what they meant.
Recently, I returned from an adult-industry convention, where I often pick up new toys. One of my gift bags contained a petite sparkly purple vibrator, and I thought, well it’s not my style but maybe I should give it to my daughter along with a lecture on masturbation being a great alternative to sex. Even though I am an open-minded and cool mom, this thought still made me uncomfortable, and I relegated the new toy to my nightstand full of gifted-from-vendors toys that aren’t my style.
I figured that no teenager wants to be given a masturbatory device by a parent. Was I wrong?
Teenage Masturbation Icky
No, TMI, you were right: No teenager wants to be given a masturbatory device by her parent. But that doesn’t mean a teenager—even your teenager—wouldn’t be delighted to have a masturbatory device. A moment of awkwardness and a little feigned teenage discomfort/disgust—perhaps even a show of discarding the device where it could be easily retrieved after Mom apologizes and retreats—is a price that most teenage girls would be willing to pay to have a brand-new sparkly purple vibrator of her very own. (Oh, and I’m thinking she knows about your drawer full of misfit sex toys. Maybe you could just tell her that anything in there that’s still in its original packaging is up for grabs.)
Some gay friends said that girls don’t ever think a penis is cute. I started asking all the chicks I know if they think cocks can be cute. Not one said yes. Gay guys think cocks are cute.
Curious Of Cock Knowledge
No man’s cock is cute—well, no man’s besides the man who got a Hello Kitty tattoo on the head. A cock can be hot, it can be beautiful, it can be vaguely threatening. But unless there’s something very, very wrong, no man’s cock is cute and no man wants to be told that his cock is cute.
Cute is as cute does….
I’m a chick. My boyfriend’s cock is certifiably cute. And he hates hearing it. Heh.
Cocks are weird looking. But I prefer pussy anyway, so there you go.
Also, all teenagers should have access to vibrators. Batteries are way cheaper than abortions.
Cocks can be beautiful? They’ve always seemed ‘awkward’ to me. Not like snakes, more… sea cucumbers: brainless and fragile. But maybe it’s just context.
I think my boyfriend’s cock is cute, especially as it seems to have a mind of its own sometimes. I like to give it little kisses and nuzzle my cheek against it affectionately because the skin there is really soft and touchable. It’s hard not to go, “D’awww…” at it. I guess I think of penises as small pets?
I’d vote no on giving the daughter a vibrator, even with a note. It’s really gross to think of your parents while masturbating, even tangentially–unless you’re into that sort of thing. I say, assign her the task of throwing them out–and if she steals one for herself, that’s her prerogative.
Mud guy, as a ceramic student: be careful with dumping loads of clay down drains. It can turn to sediment and clog your pipes. Also, you can reuse clay if you have a way of dehydrating it back to a similar state.
@TMI, five years ago I was fifteen. I freaking wish my mom just gave me a vibrator. I definitely would say go with a note and book and leave it on the bed. She’ll appreciate it in the long run, if not right away. I know I was frustrated as hell at that age and having a vibe probably woulda calmed me a bit haha. I also second the cute non-penis-shaped sentiment. Those big things STILL freak me out, and I’m no where near a virgin anymore.
“Cute” usually means “small”, which would be where some people might have an aversion to having it applied to penises.
That said, as a fairly slutty bi guy, I don’t recall ever thinking a cock was “cute”. The strangest adjective I have used to describe a cock was probably “photogenic”.
So while Mom’s open about her sexual preferences and the fact that she works in the industry, what TMI doesn’t say is how her 15-year-old feels about it or if she ever talks to her Mom about sex. My Mom was a pro but it certainly didn’t make me feel like I could talk to her about anything sexually related. And I would have been mortified if she’d ever given me a vibrator.
So unless TMI and her daughter usually have a very open dialogue about sex I’d suggest the more sneaky throw down of the vibrator.
Damn! That would’ve been so cool!
I’m a girl and I’ve totally thought cocks were cute… and I don’t mean ‘small’. I mean adorable and deserving of love and cuddles. Don’t most cocks want love and cuddles?
I’ve seen some cute cocks. I’ve seen some that are straight up adorable.
Why? Because cocks are usually representations of the person they are attached to.
Not all cock owners are powerful, sexy pinnicles of hard-core masculinity.
Some guys are just….cute. Everything about them is cute. Even their adorable cocks.
They don’t seem to mind when I tell them that, either.
@68, Having been a teenage girl at one point, I KNOW what sleepovers are like. Which is why I told her not to keep her vibrator out in the open. So that catty teenage girls wouldn’t tease her about having one. I have no idea where you got the idea I was suggesting they share the thing, since I specifically said for her to stash it in the nightstand so they wouldn’t see it, but whatever.
@115
Yes, @68 was having a major failure of reading comprehension. For what it’s worth, I think you have a good way of handling it–sex positive without being really explicit about it. I think all teenage girls should get vibrators, but it’s difficult for a parent to help out with this without it being kind of icky.
@3:
“…you’re already in the tub so cleaning up would be a breeze.”
Not quite. The fine particles in clay can, if they go down the drain, accumulate over time. Depending how long/often MUD is using clay in the tub, he could wind up with some very expensive plumbing repair bills. To be safe, he may want to look into a sediment trap. Some large art studio supply stores will have them available for those that do a lot of pottery.
@115
I understood what you meant the first time as well. Man, I WISH my mom had given me a vibrator. Sure, it would have been awkward, but most interactions with teenage daughters are awkward. I think a lot of girls that age need to know that it’s okay to masturbate. It would have been helpful for someone to tell me that it’s not dirty or desperate or weird, contrary to what my Catholic school teachers preached or my friends with horny 14-year-old boyfriends said.
Plus, I was so curious at the time that I was stealing our vibrating hairbrush from the bathroom… and subsequently felt more guilty about masturbation. Took a long time to rectify that sex-phobic period of life!
Yeah, I’d say “massively throbbing” and “rock hard son of a bitch” don’t really belong in the same thought process as “cute” —
Nice to know Dan actually makes sense once in a while.
I strongly disagree with anyone advising for the parents to just leave a vibe as a “present” on the bedstand. Talk about boundaries violation and confusion. It’s way too personal.
Better idea: An age appropriate book about safe sex and abstinence, along with a discussion about responsibility and health.
You can legally purchase vibrators at any age. They’re legally available for sale at dept. and drug stores everywhere as “penis shaped, battery operated neck massagers”, etc. I even have one such “neck massager” from Target with a USB cord that I got for less than 10 dollars.
If your teen really wants one they’ll buy one without assistance. When I was a teen I knew where to buy them, I just didn’t. Self-discovery is an important process, especially when it comes to something really personal like masturbation.
A flaccid, uncircumcised cock is adorable. He’s got a little cave he hides in, peeking his one eye out, waiting for his big moment.
It doesn’t get any cuter than that.
Now, when called upon, he grabs his sword and declares, “By the power of Greyskull, I HAVE THE POWER,” and he transforms into hot and impressive and manly and whatnot.
But, before that…..cute. Very definitely cute.
When I was a teen, I would have totally raided the “sex toys in their original packaging” drawer if my mom had such a thing. Moms are meant to be embarrassing. That’s what parents do. I fully support having a place where the extra (unused, obviously) sex toys are kept, when she feels like experimenting. MUCH better than using something that wasn’t meant to be a sex toy and risking injury with household items. Couldn’t hurt to put some safe lube and condoms in there as well. Better safe than sorry. hell, I might throw a morning after pill in there. Just make sure you say “if you’re ever interested, you can raid this cabinet” and not “here’s a vibrator. Stick it up your twat.”
Concerning mud and other “messy” items getting up in orifices where it shouldn’t be: I would wear panties. Maybe two pairs layered. They could be thongs, they just need to fit tightly enough that you’re not getting extra fluids inside yourself. I think that’s a good compromise between genital health and kinky GGG action. I can certainly still get off if I’m wearing panties, and the husband could be completely naked if he wants to be.
I’m mostly worried about the plumbing, now that $50 of clay has been drained into it. Keep the plumber’s number handy is about all the advice I can offer.
A few words of caution regarding vibrator use at a tender age. When your neurons (brain) and nerves (crotch) are learning what they like, there is some danger in getting habituated to the incredibly intense and efficacious stimulation that only a silicon device plus electricity plus high frequency vibrating motor can provide. It’s a drag to have to introduce your toys to every new lover forever, when it could have been avoided by making sure, as a young teen, you could come with HANDS ONLY. In my work (women’s health care provider) I have met a number of women over the years who regret early and regular vibrator use. One can wean, but it’s difficult. Sometimes I think vibrators should be saved for later when your sexual response patterns (to non-vibratory, non-electrified other humans) are well established. Maybe a Surgeon General’s warning on the package? Just sayin’.
I also read MUD’s letter in the context that he had told his future wife about his fetish two years ago, and only just recently tried to engage her in it. Having a conversation in which you tell someone that you like to play with mud during sex, then letting it sit for a long time without actually introducing the fetish is a TERRIBLE way to go about it, but even if he had the conversation and sprang the mud on her a few days after her approval, this is a dick move.
Oh, it wouldn’t have been a dick move if he had gotten a little mud or clay and introduced her to it gradually, in small increments. But to buy $50 worth of clay and fill the entire bathtub with it as a “surprise”? Dick move. He’s so self-centered that it appears that all he could think about was how awesome HE would find that surprise, not how it would come across to even the most GGG partner. Put this in the context of another fetish, let’s say something simple like bondage. It would be like saying, “Hey honey, I enjoy bondage, would you mind doing that with me sometime?” her saying yes, then you “surprising” her with a full blown reverse suspension ropework scene as her first introduction, when she was probably expecting something simple like handcuffs. Sure, you can work into the suspension scene, but damnit, you don’t START with that. The very fact that he thought this was a good idea shows that he’s probably a self-centered asshole, might very well prefer his fetish over her (especially considering that he assumed that locking her out and jerking off was a great idea and not at all offensive), but is certainly giving her that impression even if he doesn’t.
Last but not least, as harmless as a mud fetish sounds to me, I would be horrified if I came home to find my bathtub filled with mud. Does clay seriously just wash down the drain without causing a PITA clog? I would have my doubts. And being the person usually responsible for the cleaning, I would be pissed as hell being the one to have to deal with the aftermath. So, if my partner ever surprised me with a bathtub filled with mud, even if I had fully expected to wallow around in mud together at some point, I would be so horrified with the cleaning logistics the moment I saw the bathtub filled that I really wouldn’t find it sexy anymore. Get yourself a kiddy pool, mud puppies.
I’m a straight middle aged woman, and I have always thought cocks were very cute, once I have gotten to know them.
A pound of clay doesn’t wash down the drain, it clogs a drain. Much less 50 pounds. “Ghost” fantesy.
I sure hope Mud writes in to share the follow-up. Hope he hands her this column, tells her he’s sorry for freaking her out, and books a trip for two to some resort where they can take a mud bath together. Just freakin google it, bra.
Mud guy – Maybe she had just cleaned the bathroom!! Anyway – christmas is here – buy her a couple day at the spa. Make sure that they offer mud baths. Then broach the subject with her and get her to try a non-threatening mud soak w/o the sex. You may even be able to do it together – in two separate tubs – and even if you get very excited – behave yourself. No body worker wants to be greated with your fantasy. Then afterwards discuss the whole experience with your wife. Even if the thought of playing in mud is replusive (is she a neat freak) – most women will enjoy spa treatments – then there is a whole world of “spa treatments” that include mud (dead sea mud, etc.) that you two can enjoy. Just take it slowly…
When my daughter was a teenager – some of my vibrators would just “disappear”. Evidently, I bought her a vibrator and just left it in the bag it came in. Evenually it just “disappeared” also. My daughter is now 33 and we can talk about mastrabation and sex toys – and she also has a good sex life. I also feel that mastrabation for young girls helps them find their way later when partners are involved.
response to fiftynfun. I’m 60 and started sticking any and everything up my twat at the age of 12 (and can remember crayons up my butt at 5). Can’t say it ever hurt me. I didn’t have a vibrator – but found a great substitute – the bathtub faucet. Why do we think that young teens are not sexual. By the way, once I got past the wam, bam boys of my youth – I’ve been multi orgasmic since. We’re still a very puritanical country. Let them have vibrators – whenever they are ready!!!
@125 Vibrators might ruin it for some women, but not all. I never got off by my hands alone and always used a vibrator from the age of fifteen onward, so I was worried when it came to partner sex I’d be anorgasmic. Oh my no. The first time my boyfriend and I got into it I lasted about thirty seconds. Instead of deadening my nerves, it seems as though my vibrators just primed me for multiple orgasms. If only all young women were so lucky!
As a potter, I have to say NEVER PUT CLAY DOWN THE DRAIN! Aaaack! I cringed when I read that line!
But other than that, I’m all for that fetish.
Cocks are beautiful. They are fragile. They are sensitive. Once you grab a hold of them you basically have control of the situation. I think that qualifies them as cute. I would never tell a man that, though, at least not in a language that he understood.
Hey Mud… if you can afford the fancy Mudbath at the spa, Google Soap Lake, Washington/mudbath.
Hey Mud… if you CAN’T afford the fancy Mudbath at the spa, Google Soap Lake, Washington/mudbath.
Self-serve mudbath. Apparantly very soothing and great for your skin.
MUD needs social skills. What a douche move. @57 nailed it. It would suck to ask a partner what they’re into hoping for anal, girl-on-girl, BDSM, roleplaying, etc. and get sex in 50 some odd pounds of mud.
TMI is an awesome mom. I remember the bathtub faucet days. God, I wish my mom gave me a vibrator.
I don’t think cocks are cute. Enjoyable, pleasure giving, but not cute. Kind of ugly actually, but this is coming from someone who doesn’t find men physically attractive.
#77 & #85 – Couldn’t agree more, thanks for saving me the time of typing it.
MUD, you handled it like a creep/asshole, and it’s even more creepy/assholish that you can’t see that. Your fetish is fine, but IMO you should see someone about your social/personal skills.
@125 — I’m fascinated by this and would like to learn more. Where can I read more about habituation at an early age. Do you have any resources?
I’m not sure that I’d want my penis to be described as “cute.” (Well, I wouldn’t really want my penis described as anything but “nonexistent”, but….) Cute conjures up images of a, small things and b, young children. Call me crazy, but I wouldn’t want my sex partner associating my cock with the small cock of a prepubescent boy, thanks.
“a petite sparkly purple vibrator”…
I just had a great merchandising idea for Twilight.
Thank you for the feedback #131 and #132. To clarify, I too was a busy masturbator from a young age (orgasms at 10) and a well-aimed stream of water was my best friend. I submit that a stream of water is a different entity from a battery powered device. I have never had a patient tell me she wished the clawfoot bathtub of her youth didn’t dominate her sex life as a young’un. I am all for masturbation for everyone-the young, the old, the halt, the lame, etc. And I’m glad to hear from 132 that regular use of a vibrator did not limit her later.
@139–No resources about this specifically, just anecdotally from my work as a provider of women’s health for 20 years. I had a 30 something woman not too long ago tell me that her mother, with whom she had a terrific relationship, gave her a vibrator for her 16th birthday. It was the coolest thing ever at the time, all her friends were jealous, etc, but it lead to regret that she couldn’t come without it. I think anyone can retrain herself, but it’s hard. There is a website called “healthy strokes” about teen masturbation that focuses on warning boys to avoid “traumatic masturbation syndrome”–which is masturbating in a prone position with too much pressure on the penis. Leads to being unable to ejaculate during garden-variety intercourse, and never when he’s on his back. Kind of interesting how many boys and men write in saying they have a problem with this.
@141 – too late!
http://store.babeland.com/dildos-silicon…
As a straight girl who loves, craves, cock, I can tell you that none of them are cute (and none, in my experience are, as Dan said, “vaguely thrteatenting”) but they are Beautiful. Like a sweet Calla Lily
@142
I don’t know. Some people (like me) really are just extraordinarily insensitive, physically, period. I masturbated for years, starting from a young age without ever having an orgasm. Not even after water faucets and every other sort of means I could try. Very concerted efforts. Not until my first ‘vibrator’ (electric toothbrush, yo), did I ever experience an orgasm.
Some people just can’t do it manually. I don’t think I’ll ever be orgasmic during sex, either–oral certainly doesn’t seem to work 🙁 –but that’s not the fault of my vibrator (now an actual vibrator!).
I really think it’s jumping to conclusions to draw a causal connection like that. People shouldn’t blame their past behavior for how their body just is.
@146:
Are you me? Because that’s pretty much my story, right down to the electric toothbrush.
Thanks fiftynfun (143). My problem too (orgasms at 4, sheesh, my kids are that age). Never been able to orgasm without being completely in control and basically using my partners as a masturbatory aide!! No fun for them really. Interesting to see that it can be a problem for men as well as for us women.
@36 What if the guy IS cute? (i.e. not sexy, or hot, or handsome… just cute?). Take what you can get, I say!
Hooray, news of the It Gets Better Project on one of my gaming-nerd blogs:
http://kotaku.com/5714698/eas-gay-and-le…
And hooray for EA.
TMI’s daughter knows what she does for a living. All she has to do is put the vibrator in a plain gift bag, hand it over, and say, “I got this as a sample, and it’s not something I’ll use. If you don;t want it, you can get rid of it. Let me know if you have any questions,” and then give daughter some space. If daughter is uncomfortable, the whole thing end right there.
TMI should have a talk with her daughter about how your first partner should be yourself (knowing your own body). But that, like anything, infection prevention is very important (not sharing, hand washing) Mention that anything in that particular drawer is up for grabs for herself OR anyone she wants to give it to. Stress that you don’t want any of it and that you don’t keep track of it. This could easily lead into the subject of respecting each others privacy, (any other drawer is off limits) that you trust her and won’t snoop and you expect the same. Yeah, could be uncomfortable, but seeing how she’s already acquainted with your sexual preference and profession, shouldn’t be too bad. It also allows her to do some shopping and to have control of her own sexuality without shame. I think we’d all be better off if this were the case.
And for christ sake, put a new bottle of lube in the drawer. So much suffering could have been avoided if I’d know about and been comfortable with lube.
I’ve called my boyfriend’s cock “adorable” and probably “cute” on occasion. I use it because it really captures the irrepressible feeling I get to cuddle and nuzzle the shit out of it when I see it.
I always tell him that too, which staves off any misinterpretation that I see him as diminutive, etc.
I don’t really get the automatic association we’re making between “cute” and “small.” Girls use “cute” as shorthand for attractive men all the time.