I’m a straight male and I love my
fiancée. But while I am physically attracted to her, I find
myself masturbating rather than having sex with her. She knows, but we
don’t talk about it—we can’t—and recently she walked in on
me, and it was very awkward. I put it away and she pretended she didn’t
see.
At first I assumed I was masturbating
because I was prone to romantic “dry spells” and was used to taking
care of things. But at this point, she’s sleeping in the other room and
I’m quietly jerking it, knowing that I could have her.
Right Handed Man
If you and the fiancée are too
immature or ashamed to discuss the state of your sex life—your
preference for your right hand, your lack of a strong sexual
connection, what she saw and when she saw it—then you’re not
ready for marriage, RHM. Period. If you can’t communicate openly and
successfully about sex now, when you’re merely
engaged, you’re going to find these issues impossible to
confront after marriage permanently raises the stakes. All you risk now
is a relatively uncomplicated, if emotionally traumatic, end to an
engagement. After marriage, you’re both going to be acutely aware that
a Big Talk about your sex life carries the risk of a big, messy,
humiliating divorce.
Oh, and speaking of poor communication
skills: You neglected to ask me a single question. You gave me the
facts—you could have her, but you’re jerkin’ it; she’s aware of
it, you don’t talk about it—but you didn’t ask for advice, or
anything at all. So I’m guessing that you’re the one with communication
issues here, RHM, not your fiancée.
And what’s with the passive voice? You “find
[yourself] masturbating.” How does that work exactly? You jump into a
time machine, travel to your bathroom an hour in the future, and
discover your future self jerking it? Sorry, RHM, but masturbation
isn’t something that happens to you—it’s something you decide to
do.
And here’s why you’re deciding to masturbate
when you could be banging away at the fiancée: You’re an
insecure bag of slop. When you masturbate, RHM, you’re in total
control. You can fantasize about whatever you like and, just as
importantly, you don’t have to take any responsibility for your
partner’s pleasure, nor do you have to risk failure. Masturbation
allows you to have orgasms free of any performance anxiety. (Only
schizophrenics experience performance anxiety when they jerk it.)
And here’s what you need to do: First step,
admit you have a problem—not to me, to her. Then refrain
from masturbating. Just don’t do it. No beating off until you’ve broken
your dysfunctional jerk-and-regret cycle; initiate long, open-ended
conversations about your turn-ons, her turn-ons, your sexual
expectations, her sexual expectations; and commit to only having
orgasms in her presence for the time being.
Masturbation will be part of your adult,
married life. All men masturbate—single, dating, married,
divorced—but a man who prefers masturbation over sex at all times
isn’t husband material, RHM; he’s ex-husband material.
I am 28, female, and bi. My
fiancé is 36, male, and straight. Before we got together, I was
notorious for occasionally sleeping with my female friends. He made it
clear that being with him meant no more sex with other women. “Cheating
is cheating,” he says, and he’s not into threesomes. It’s a long-term,
nonnegotiable deal breaker for him.
But recently, while traveling, I met up with
an old female “friend.” We got a little drunk, kissed, cuddled, and
slept in the same bed. I didn’t mention it to my fiancé because
I felt like it wasn’t really a big deal. Now I’m not so sure.
Throughout our relationship, I’ve satisfied my desires for women with
lesbian/bi erotica and masturbation, and I’ve been fine with that. But
now I’m having sexual dreams about this girl. It’s been three years
since I had sex with a woman and I miss it. Should I talk to my
fiancé about this before the wedding?
Bi Bi Bridie
Oh for crying out loud. YES, YOU SHOULD TALK
TO HIM ABOUT THIS BEFORE THE WEDDING. Talk about your bisexuality, his
irrational ultimatums, the fact that you’ve already come this
close (picture me holding my thumb and index finger a clit’s width
apart) to cheating on him already—address all this shit
before you two dumbfucks get married.
I’m sorry for flying off the handle, BBB,
but I debated an antigay ranter on CNN last week after the California
Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples had a constitutional right to
marry. The hater—Tony Perkins of the Family Research
Council—insisted that high rates of heterosexual divorce
are proof that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry. I’m
not sure how that works exactly. I mean, when a group of people have
proven themselves to be incapable of touching something without totally
fucking it up—heterosexuals and marriage, Republicans and
government—it doesn’t make sense to insist that the screwups, and
only the screwups, should be allowed to touch that thing. Maybe the
solution for marriage/governance is to ban heterosexuals/Republicans
from marrying/governing—or at least suspend them—and let
someone else have a crack at it.
Back to you, BBB: Before you marry this man,
you need to hammer out an agreement, something you both can live
with—and you clearly can’t live without pussy. An accommodation
has to be made or you will eventually cheat on him and your entirely
predictable divorce will be held up by douchebags like Tony Perkins as
proof that my boyfriend and I shouldn’t be allowed to marry. Don’t let
that happen.
I’m madly in love with my girlfriend.
She’s beautiful, intelligent, and progressive. Serious “the one”
potential here. One problem: My girlfriend is adamant that she will not
get married until everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, is free
to marry. So where do I sign up to fight for equal marriage
rights?
Adam In British Columbia
So… your girlfriend isn’t going to get
married until everyone can—including gay men in Saudi Arabia
(where they cut the heads off gay men), lesbians in Jamaica (where they
lynch lesbians), and homos in Russia (where fascist thugs beat homos).
You might not want to set a wedding date anytime before, oh, June of
the year 2608.
Please tell your girlfriend from me, a
geigh, that we don’t want straight people to stop getting
married—divorced, yes; married, no—particularly straights
up in Canada, where everyone already can get married. If she
wants to do something constructive about equal marriage rights, tell
her to make a large donation to www.equalityforall.com, the group
working to defeat an anti-gay-marriage amendment to California’s state
constitution that will be on the ballot this fall. 
Download the Savage Lovecast (my
weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger
.com/savage.
K. Graves is proud of being someone who defends Schizophrenics and then gets the definition of their own condition wrong, apparently. Schizophrenia does not involve “multiple personalities” and anyone with a modicum of psychological education knows that… much less someone actually suffering from it.
The fact that “multiple personalities” was put in quotes in K. Graves’ comment leads me to believe that he is referring to what other people think and say about schizophrenia. It’s a popular misconception that schizophrenia is synonymous with “multiple personality disorder.” I think this may have been K. Graves’ implication. It’s harmful to those who actually live with the disorder for others to toss around jokes and incorrect definitions about it.
That said, Dan never used the term “multiple personalities” in his advice to Right Handed Man, so K. Graves clearly isn’t quoting him specifically and may just be getting the disorder wrong.
Dan said, “Only schizophrenics experience performance anxiety when they jerk it.” He was using the word as if it were synonymous with “multiple personalities”, to make a joke.
That’s why K. Graves mentioned multiple personalities, because Dan used the word “schizophrenics” as if it were the same thing.