My mother left her e-mail logged in on my computer, and I decided to be an asshole and snoop out of boredom. I honestly wasn’t expecting anything, but I found a few intimate e-mails between her and a strange man that pretty much confirmed that she was cheating on my dad.
My parents have been married for almost three decades, and it’s kind of an understatement to say he’s an antisocial psycho. He restricted her from so many things during their marriage—partly for religious/cultural reasons—and honestly did not appreciate what he had. He’s been a physical wreck for most of their marriage and has no personality to compensate. My mother, on the other hand, is one of the nicest and most caring people you could ever meet.
Okay: Dad’s an abusive asshole and borderline psycho, and Mom’s a beautiful woman with a lot of opportunities and social skills. The only reason she didn’t leave him was to keep the family together and for those same stupid cultural reasons. But it’s hard knowing my mom is a CPOS. It’s killing my older brother, who is close to her, and it’s making him really depressed. He feels betrayed, because for years he’s defended her against my father when he accuses her of cheating and calls her a whore. So what I want advice on is how the hell to confront her about it. I know I snooped in her e-mail, and I know that was wrong. So what the hell to say?
Mother Obliterated Monogamy
Here’s what you say to your mother: “Good for you, Mom.”
But you’re going to say it under your breath, MOM, audible but not quite loud enough for your mother to hear.
Because you’re not going to confront her about this affair or any other affair that you might uncover between now and your father’s death and you’re not going to tell your mom you snooped and you and your brother are going to go right on defending your mother to your father and you’re going to show a little respect—a little retroactive respect—for your mother’s privacy by pretending that you don’t know what you do know.
Is that clear?
Your mom sounds like a lovely woman, MOM, and you and your brother should be happy that she managed to find a little solace, a little love and tenderness, in the arms of a man who isn’t a raving asshole. She deserves that, doesn’t she? As for the CPOS label, that gets slapped only on people who cheat without cause, MOM, and it sure sounds like your mom had cause. Which means she’s not a cheating piece of shit. She’s cheating on a piece of shit.
Yes, yes: Maybe your mom should’ve divorced your father, or had him murdered, but for reasons that will only ever be known to her, MOM, she decided that keeping her family intact—maybe for cultural reasons, maybe for her boys—was more important than remaining faithful to an antisocial psycho. It’s easy to say that cheating is always wrong and to call everyone who cheats a POS, but sometimes an affair is the least worst option.
As for your brother’s feelings of betrayal: Maybe your dad was right and your mom was cheating on him throughout their marriage and his tirades were justified and your brother was a fool to defend your mother. Or maybe your mom decided, after being accused of cheating again and again, and after being called a whore again and again, that if she was going to be accused, indicted, and tried for that particular crime, she might as well have the pleasure of committing it. Encourage your brother to give your mother the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like she deserves it.
I’m a 28-year-old gay man. My only sibling is getting married next year, and I’m invited. My family doesn’t support my gayness. My mom has met my boyfriend only once and refused to be in his presence for more than two minutes. Should I bring my boyfriend to my sister’s wedding or ask him to stay home? My invitation came with only my name on it.
Brother Of The Bride
You say: “Hey, Sis. Looking forward to the wedding. I’ve been seeing a great guy for two years now, as you know, and I’m planning on bringing him to the wedding.”
If she says, “Don’t bring him. It’ll just piss off Mom,” then you say, “I’m coming with my boyfriend or I’m not coming at all—and remember, Sis, one day Mom will be dead and it’s just going to be you and me. So in the long run, you should be more concerned about pissing me off than pissing Mom off.”
And if she says, “Don’t bring him. I don’t want your gay boyfriend at my wedding,” then you say, “If you don’t want gays at your wedding, Sis, then you shouldn’t have invited me. I want to be there—but if I come, I’m bringing my boyfriend.”
Have the confrontation now, BOTB, so that you can’t be accused of trying to make trouble/drama right before your sister’s wedding. But you need to seize this opportunity to dictate terms to your family: They can have their homophobia or they can have you in their lives—but they can’t have both.
Last year, around this time, you promised to share your mom’s Christmas cookie recipe with the readers of your blog. I would love to try it out if you’re okay with sharing the recipe.
Jason
I’m delighted to share my mom’s Christmas cookie recipe. She made these chocolate snowballs every year when her kids were young. Once her kids were grown, Ma Savage shipped tins of these cookies to us if we couldn’t make it home for Christmas. Now I make them in December and ship tins off to my siblings on her behalf. It’s a great recipe for folks with little kids: There’s a step where you roll the dough into balls, a perfect job for little (freshly washed) hands.
I made some earlier this month, had a little sob (I’m still missing my mom), and got some tins off to my sibs. I’m happy to share my mom’s recipe with you, Jason, and with Savage Love readers.
Ma Savage’s Christmas Snowballs
2 cups flour
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/4 cup butter
2/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups pecans
confectioners’ sugar
Sift flour, salt, and cocoa together. Cream butter and sugar until fluffy, and add vanilla. Gradually beat dry ingredients into butter and sugar. Blend in pecans. Form dough into a loaf, wrap it up, put in fridge overnight.
Cut loaf into inch-thick slices, cut slices into inch-square cubes, roll cubes into balls about one inch in diameter. Bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 350 degrees for 20 minutes maximum. Transfer cookies off sheets right away and allow to cool completely. Put cookies in tub or tin, sift confectioners’ sugar over cookies, put lid on, turn tin or tub over a few times to coat cookies with confectioners’ sugar.
Enjoy my mom’s cookies and have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year, everyone.
147: “The brother doesn’t want to “protest”. He doesn’t want to make a political statement. He’s not planning to show up at the wedding in leather chaps and a harness, waving a rainbow flag and chanting “We’re here, we’re queer!” All he wants is to attend his sister’s wedding with the person he loves. Just like everybody else.”
That was funny as @#!*% ! I guess that is the image I had when I wrote my diatribe. So no rainbow flags or leather chaps- what about PDA’s?
@199: Um, I don’t know about where you live, but here in college town Texas, I am one of the only people my age (mid 20s) who is not engaged, married, or in a very serious relationship. And, I am not kidding.
@ 179, you were the first poster to point out that nowhere in BOTB’s letter did it say how long he had been with his boyfriend, but somehow everyone starting assuming it had been two years. Good on ya–that is a major detail that could change a lot of circumstances! His mother met the BF once–couldn’t be in his presence for more than two minutes–it could have been as the two of them were stumbling from a bar one morning. BOTB doesn’t say.
In principle, if they are a long-term couple, a dis-invitation would be rude and be grounds for a conversation (or confrontation). I think BOTB (and all the outraged responders) should try talking to his sister first and not write to an advice columnist before he knows for sure the reason for the lack of “+1” on the envelope. If it is because of his sister’s bigotry, he’d be justified in not attending, but the whole story is probably a bit more complex. Just talk to her already, you know what happens when you assume–you make an ass out of u and me. Duh.
@205 I made no such claim regarding the mom having an affair. How you came to such a conclusion is beyond me since I clearly stated that the mom had every right to find happiness. May be you need to take a reading comprehension course. My issue is with her raising her children in a toxic environment.
The dad may have health issues (he has been a physical wreck for most of his marriage). Whatever a being a physical wreck means since the LW did not provide details. In any event the children need to find out if the dad has some medical and/or mental condition that is hereditary and could affect their lives (just like an adopted child needs to know the medical history of its biological parents)
@199: “Furthermore, this guy is only 28. Who is in a serious relationship at age 28?”
I’m 28. I’ve been married to one guy for 6.5 years, and am in a committed relationship with another (since October). Both my sister and my mother had been married for more than 7 years by the time they turned 28 (sis celebrated #10 this year, mom #36). 28 isn’t that young.
My $.02 on BotB…
I… about 60% agree with Dan’s advice.
I think he should talk to his sister. And if his sister says something that boils down to “I don’t want your boyfriend’s gay cooties at my wedding”, he should issue the ultimatum. And if she says “Bringing your BF would upset [insert important relative here]” in a way that seems to suggest that she agrees with said relative, he might issue the ultimatum.
But if she says something more like “I’d love to have him there, but you *know* Mom would wig out” or “If I invite him, Dad refuses to pay for the wedding”, or “We’re having a really, really small wedding, no one’s getting a +1, really”, or “I’d rather you not bring him, he’s rude and smells like old cheese” (ie “I dislike him as a person” rather than “ew, he’s gay”), then… it becomes less a matter of his sister wanting him but not his gayness, and more a matter of prioritizing other things.
I’m sorry but your advice to the gay guy with a sister getting married was way off. The letter writer did not give you enough information to make a call like that. He said his mom had a problem with his boyfriend, not his sister. We do not really know why she only invited him. She may have a tight budget & needs to cut corners & is only inviting family. Yes, she may be doing it only to appease her mother but there is absolutely no proof of that & the letter writer doesn’t give us any. Bottom line it is HER wedding. Not his & not their moms. It is HER day. There are better times & ways to make a stand for this issue (which I absolutely support) this occasion is not it. I mean just think if he was marrying his partner, would he be ok with someone making demands about HIS day? I don’t think so. No one should do that to a bride or a groom whether or not said bride or groom is gay or straight. Period.
One question….Why would someone want to attend an event that they weren’t wanted at or invited to anyway? I am bi & I have gotten much discrimination from straight people & gay people (namely lesbians who proclaimed loudly that I am “Nasty” because I “suck cock”). I do not have to make a point to ugly people that act like aholes & would be more upset if my partner “forced” me to go somewhere I was not wanted with ignorant people there with no respect for people in general as human beings. Why would anyone want to sit through that? Example……my parents are complete aholes & judgmental idiots. I told my BF from the start that he was never under any obligation to ever go any where with or including my ahole parents! More often than not now, I don’t go because they are negative & counterproductive to my success & happiness. I value myself & my quality of life more than I value their unattainable acceptance. Bottom line they can suck it!
@59 you must sift all the flour & sugars & cocoa powder with a sifter or the cookies will go flat. If you use a sifter they will stay ball shaped. Hope this helps 🙂
The wedding is a year away and the guy already received an invitation addressed only to him? BS! Wedding invitations are generally mailed 3 to 4 weeks before the event.
Am I going to be the only one to make a joke about Dan’s Mom’s Balls?
She sounds like she was a lovely woman, Dan, and a good cook. It is wonderful that you have so many nice memories of her.
Happy New Year!
Dan’s advice to BOTB has bull’s-eye accurate. I was once in the same position as the BOTB, except I was cousin of the bride, and after receiving my RSVP the couple explicitly told me I could not bring my partner due to the bride’s father’s homophobic demands (and he’s the kind of person who would say he either wouldn’t attend or wouldn’t pay for the wedding if my partner was there).
It sounds like BOTB is in the same situation (his query to his sister should make it clear). No way should a domineering, homophobic parent expect to dictate the guest list; and nor should the bride and groom enable the parent to do so. It would’ve been unconscionable for me to acquiesce to this unwarranted insult to my partner by attending the wedding alone, so I stayed home. I also didn’t send a card or gift.
Don’t reward such b.s. by giving into – it just give them permission to do the same in the future.
What is wrong with you people? I’m sick of people who crusades for political correctness, only when it fits their twisted ego. Are you 100% free of biases/prejudices? You have right to be homosexual, others have right to be unhappy about it. Why do you take a long detour to avoid passing by ‘urban’ area? Do you feel perfectly comfortable about having a serial killer or rapist in your company? How about a chain smoker puffing right next to your kids? Many criminals, smokers and other groups who are usually shunned by society have compelling excuses or even scientific reasons that it’s not their fault, it’s just the way they are. And while it is the right thing not to blame them, it should be permitted to refrain from having them company. BTOB, if your sister did not invite your boyfriend, she feels uncomfortable having him to her wedding, for whatever reason. Whether it be her so-goddamn-wrong-that-she-will-burn-in-hell homophobia, or the possibility of confrontation/discomfort between you guys and your parents, respect her for christ’s sake. You may be a flaming political demagogue who cries out loud for so-called ‘Political Correctness’, but she reserves every right not to join your goddamn crusade. It’s HER wedding, for god’s sake. And if you can’t swallow it, just don’t go there. For others who cries for ‘justice’, you are more narrow-sighted, selfish, self-righteous bigots than Santorum, Osama bin Laden or Sarah Palin.