I am a heterosexual male in my 20s, and I need some
help putting a label on my kink/fetish. I usually don’t care much for
labels in any aspect of life, but I’m hoping that knowing what to call
this may help me find others who share the same interest: I love it
when a woman watches me masturbate. She doesn’t have to touch me at
all, take off her own clothes, or play with herself. However, she has
to enjoy watching me for me to enjoy performing. I have no interest in
“flashing” or otherwise imposing myself on someone who doesn’t want to
watch. Also, I don’t want to show just anyone; I just enjoy being
watched by a woman.
I’ve seen some CFNM porn, but that often seems to be more about
humiliation, which I’m not interested in at all.
Wanting A Named Kink
If you’re looking for a label, WANK, what’s
wrong with “exhibitionist”? It’s a fine, serviceable term, and an
honorable sexual pursuit—provided, of course, that you exhibit
yourself exclusively to women who wish to take in your exhibition. A
flasher may be the first thing that pops to mind when people hear the
term “exhibitionist,” WANK, but while all flashers are exhibitionists,
it doesn’t follow that all exhibitionists are flashers. Perhaps you
could start a movement to reclaim “exhibitionism” from the creeps?
As for CFNM porn—that’s “clothed female, naked
male”—most of it features strong subtexts (or domtexts) of
humiliation, even seemingly vanilla-ish iterations, but that’s
unavoidable. CFNM upends all the usual gender power dynamics: The man
is naked and vulnerable and subject to the woman’s gaze; the woman is
clothed and in control and assessing the man. Perhaps the role that
dom/sub dynamics play in your turn-on is so subtle, WANK, that you
honestly believe humiliation has nothing to do with it. But it’s in
there.
I’m a gay man who never experimented with girls when I
was younger. I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year now,
and it’s great. We have an “open-enough” relationship that allows for
some exploration of our sexuality with other people and we talk openly
about it. The only thing is, I don’t know how to tell him about this
fetish I’ve developed for CFNM. I don’t want to have sex with a woman,
but I really want to find one who wants to stay fully clothed while
watching me masturbate. I also have a fantasy for a woman to watch me
have sex with my BF or another man. Attempts to find a woman via
various websites have so far been unfruitful. I want to blame the
prudes in Minneapolis for this, but I’m starting to think women just
aren’t into watching a man get naked and jack off.
How do I ask my boyfriend to get involved in this kink? And how do I
find a woman who is into watching?
Horny And Clothed In Minneapolis
Make some lesbian friends, HACIM.
Lots of dykes watch gay male porn, a
phenomenon I would unpack in this space if, um, I had the faintest idea
what was up with that. (Ladies? What is up with that?) And on more than
one occasion, lesbian pals have asked me and my boyfriend to put on a
live sex show for ’em. They apparently wanted to see what gay sex
looked like without the bad lighting, the waxed eyebrows, and the faked
chemistry. Equal parts modesty and performance anxiety have sadly
prevented my boyfriend and me from obliging our lesbian pals. But you,
clearly, could do better by your lesbian buddies.
And how do you ask the boyfriend to go there with you? Just like any
smart kinkster asks a partner to indulge, or consider indulging, his
kink, HACIM: with a smile and a sense of humor. Kinks should always be
presented as perks, as something that makes you a more interesting and
fun sex partner, not as something that makes you a defective or
problematic sex partner. And if your boyfriend isn’t willing to go
there, HACIM, it doesn’t sound like you’ll have much trouble getting
his permission to go there on your own.
My boyfriend and I met sleazy about six weeks ago when
a guy I met on Craigslist took me over to my then-future boyfriend’s
house for a three-way. During the three-way, my then-future boyfriend
struggled with a condom and said that they “choked” him. Then he asked
if he could stick it in me without a condom. He stated that he had had
a vasectomy and then asked me if I had any STIs. I said that I didn’t
and he said that he didn’t either. Long story short, we hit it off and
thus began a relationship. After a month of blissful, unprotected sex,
my boyfriend told me that he has herpes! He said that he got it a long
time ago at his bachelor party. I want to dump the motherfucker, but
he’s telling me that he hasn’t had an outbreak in three years and that
if I really cared about him it wouldn’t make a difference. What do you
think?
Didn’t Know I Was Dating Herpes Boy
What do I think? Honestly, DKIWDHB? I think
you’re an idiot.
You met up with a strange guy for a nearly
anonymous three-way that some other guy set up over Craigslist, and it
turns out that this strange man you met—your
now-boyfriend—has a rather common sexually transmitted infection.
A thinking person who met someone under those circumstances would be
shocked to discover that her now-boyfriend didn’t have
herpes.
Even though you may have already had herpes when you met this guy
(you could’ve been exposed long ago and just not shown any symptoms to
date), you still have a legit complaint. But it’s not about the STI
issue, DKIWDHB, it’s about the lying. A man who’s selfish enough to lie
to a woman about his health—even a woman he’s just met and
suspects he may never meet again—in order to get out of wearing a
condom isn’t going to draw the line at that lie. He’ll lie to you about
other stuff—like, you know, vasectomies that he may or may not
have had. You’re worried about the herpes when you should probably be
worried about the most common STI of all: pregnancy.
My girlfriend and I haven’t had anything resembling
sex in months. But anytime I bring it up, she says she doesn’t like to
discuss it and that she’d rather “surprise” me with it. That apparently
feels more natural, and the mere discussion of sex is a dead
turnoff.
What The Fuck?
Whatever the fuck is going on here, WTF, and whatever the fuck I
tell you to do, I’ll get shitloads of mail—all from readers with
no more information to work with than I have—explaining how this
is all your fault. Because, you see, you’re the man and whenever a
couple’s sex life goes off the rails, it is always the man’s fault.
(That’s what makes gay relationships so egalitarian.) But for what it’s
worth—and it ain’t worth much—here’s my advice: “surprise”
her by moving out.
HACIM needs to socialise with bisexuals. At least half of the bisexual girls I know love watching two guys make out. Not sure why it is (my bi wife doesn’t share the fetish, so she’s no help) but yeah, bi girls are the way to go if you want a girl to watch you and your boyfriend going at it.
I would like to point out that the “Then-future-boyfriend” with herpes got it at HIS bachelor party.
Cute.
I’m not prepared to believe that I’m rare as a straight female who enjoys watching both male masturbation and gay porn. We’re just not supposed to talk about it…
I would have to disagree with the belief that there is a necessary element of humiliation in WANKS ‘unidentified’ fetish. Its seems perfectly plausible that the turn on it in all the attention being focused on himself or something like that. But obviously you are the expert.
As a straight woman i will say that I love gay porn and watching guys masturbate. It’s that I love penis SO much that i would rather watch porn that featured an abundance of it. Plus I love watching the way a man gets himself off. So the point is that there are also straight women, not just lesbians who would appreciate watching a man jerk off.
I’m a straight woman that has a serious kink for gay porn- and I don’t think it’s even remotely unusual, but as SMM pointed out, we’re not supposed to talk about it…
1.I have answered ads for guys who just wanted to have a receptive audience, and it was FUN to just watch! I recommend it. 2. Pat Califia wrote a lot about gay male sex while identifying as a lesbian, then switched from being a woman to being male. ‘Nuff said. 3. Stupid! Just dumb. 4. This letter made me sad, and Dan’s response was perfect. I do hear from women (I work in the sex industry, and not in prostitution or porn) that old lie “if only he would ____ then maybe I’d want him more” TOO often. And I call them on it, too! As an educator, I say this to people who “can’t” talk about sex : “Don’t try to talk about sex unless you’re in an emotionally neutral space, and you aren’t about to start begging for it! If you can’t talk about sex with your partner in a rational way, you have NO BUSINESS actually ENGAGING in it!” Plus, anyone who will DATE someone who won’t talk about it is playing dumb, and therefore is ACTING dumbly. Sheesh! Grow UP! (dumpthegirl!!!)
1.I have answered ads for guys who just wanted to have a receptive audience, and it was FUN to just watch! I recommend it. 2. Pat Califia wrote a lot about gay male sex while identifying as a lesbian, then switched from being a woman to being male. ‘Nuff said. 3. Stupid! Just dumb. 4. This letter made me sad, and Dan’s response was perfect. I do hear from women (I work in the sex industry, and not in prostitution or porn) that old lie “if only he would ____ then maybe I’d want him more” TOO often. And I call them on it, too! As an educator, I say this to people who “can’t” talk about sex : “Don’t try to talk about sex unless you’re in an emotionally neutral space, and you aren’t about to start begging for it! If you can’t talk about sex with your partner in a rational way, you have NO BUSINESS actually ENGAGING in it!” Plus, anyone who will DATE someone who won’t talk about it is playing dumb, and therefore is ACTING dumbly. Sheesh! Grow UP! (dumpthegirl!!!)
What about “consensual exhibitionist”? There is, after all, a difference between the subway flasher and a woman consenting to watch him get off in the privacy of someone’s apartment.
@3, 5, and 6: Dan was asking dykes why THEY like gay male porn. You are all straight women. We have no problem understanding your interest.