I am a 23-year-old woman living with my 25-year-old boyfriend. We have been dating for a little
over a year, and for the majority of that time we had a great sex life.
Unfortunately, when we decided to move in together we also decided to
stop having intercourse until we decide to get married. We made this
choice with a couple factors in mind: (1) lots of pressure from
religious parents who urged us not to engage in premarital sex, and (2)
we aren’t ready to risk having a kid.
We are not engaged yet because we want to
live together for a while to make sure we both want a lifelong
commitment. Our relationship is still thriving, and if we do get
married we already know that we are sexually compatible. The problem is
that every time he instigates a session of fooling around in
nonintercourse ways (which we still do) I am not turned on. I know
whatever we do is not going to end in sex. He has no idea I’m not
interested because I focus all my attention on getting him off. I enjoy
that, but I know he would love to pleasure me as well. What do you
suggest?
No Sex For Us
I’ve written columns stoned, I’ve written
columns hammered, and I’ve written columns on prescription
medications—not necessarily prescribed to me—that impaired
my ability to operate heavy machinery and, you know, my laptop is so
old that it probably qualifies as heavy machinery. But I’ve never
written a column after three straight nights of brain-killing
insomnia.
So welcome to a very special, sleep-deprived
episode of Savage Love, and I apologize in advance if the advice you’re
about to receive is suckier than the stoned, hammered,
heavily
medicated crap that made this column great.
Okay, NSFU, I’ve got a few suggestions.
First, grow the fuck up. You guys are
23 and 25, not 13 and 15, which means you get to make up your own minds
about premarital sex. Seeing as you two were engaging in premarital sex
before you moved in together, it’s a whole lot of ridiculous to cave to
the delicate sensibilities of your religious parents now. After
all, kids, the same vengeful, sex-obsessed, entirely fictitious God who
disapproves of premarital sex also disapproves of any and all
“nonintercourse ways” of getting your boyfriend off. Spilling his seed
is a sin, too, NSFU, whether you’re helping him spill on the ground or
on your tonsils.
Second, birth control works. If
you’re not willing to assume the teeny, tiny risk of getting pregnant
now that you’re living together, NSFU, why were you willing to risk it
when you hardly knew each other? Take the pill, use condoms, and if you
really want to be paranoid about it, have the boyfriend pull his
condom-wrapped cock out of your nonovulating twat after you’ve
come but before he does, which will reduce your risk of an
unplanned pregnancy to so close to zero that zero will feel like it’s
being stalked. Or something.
Finally, open your mouth. This
arrangement works for the boyfriend, NSFU, but it’s making you
miserable. Tell him you want to renegotiate terms. You stop worrying
about what your parents think and stop inflating your fear of pregnancy
and get back to your old intercoursin’ ways—which you don’t have
to tell the parents about—or he’s going to have to buy a strap-on
dildo and fuck you with that before you’ll even think about touching
his dick again.
I’m a 19-year-old gay boy, and while I have tried
dating guys my own age, I realized a long time ago that I am far more
interested (romantically and sexually) in older men. I understand,
though, that many older men out there looking for a guy my age may not
have the best of intentions. Do you have any tips for someone in my
situation?
Timid Whelp In Needa Knowledge
Gay men in their 30s and 40s who will date
teenage boys are almost always scum, TWINK, as you’ve surmised. But gay
guys in their 30s and 40s who will date 23-year-olds? Some are scum, of
course, because some of everyone is scum, but the scum makes up a far
smaller percentage of the total. And these nonscummy older men are much
more likely to be interested in a 23-year-old who has his shit
together.
So I would advise you to skip the older guys
who’ll date you now and go and get your shit together. Get your ass
into a decent college, fuck the odd TA (and they’re all odd) to earn a
little dating-and-mating wisdom, and then, after you graduate, take
your gathered figurative shit to a big city where you’ll meet plenty of
attractive, older men.
Oh, and all the angry
middle-aged gay men out there who “date”
teenage boys and don’t regard themselves as scum: Spare me the angry
e-mails, fellas. I didn’t say that you’re all scum, guys, I wrote that
you’re “almost always scum.” Unfortunately, scum never thinks
it’s scum, which can make it difficult to tell the scummy ones and
nonscummy ones apart, particularly for young and inexperienced
guys.
My boyfriend and I met nearly three years ago when I
was a call girl and he was a guy who wanted to be pegged (a big, big
part of my business). We became friends, then partners, and now we’ve
been together for three years. We share a home and we’re bringing up my
7-year-old son together. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been
in—he’s loving, communicative, patient, supportive, and WAY fun
sexually. His dad told me recently that he’s never seen his son so
happy. He’s got a good job, and in addition to being a stay-at-home
mom, I occasionally see my old regulars. In fact, we’ve done a few
calls together, for trusted clients who wanted to experience a
threesome.
My question is, how common is it for prostitutes and clients to end
up together? Of course the business is full of pitfalls, and is not for
the timid or directionless, but human beings in proximity do tend to
fall in love given the chance… or are we just an anomaly?
Lucky In Love
Sex workers and clients do occasionally fall in love (check out the
wonderful memoir Concertina by Susan Winemaker), so it
does happen, LIL. But it happens so rarely that I was reluctant to
print your letter, as it will give countless johns false hope. But I’m
sleep deprived, so here it is.
Here’s an ultravanilla one for you: It’s been about
eight months since I was dumped, and every day I still think about the
girl who broke my heart. I don’t speak to her and don’t want to. How do
you get over a breakup?
Tired Of Her
Sometimes a cliché is all I’ve got: Time heals all
wounds—time and, of course, fucking other people. Did you know
that every ounce of another woman’s saliva that you swallow, TOH,
shaves a week off the healing process? It’s a true and totally
scientific fact. I distinctly remember reading it in the Science
section of the New York Times this morning.
Rock the fuck on dan!
That’s actually pretty true. The best way to get over a break up is to get under someone else.
Your helpful neighborhood psych major.
“After all, kids, the same vengeful, sex-obsessed, entirely fictitious God who disapproves of premarital sex also disapproves of any and all “nonintercourse ways” of getting your boyfriend off. Spilling his seed is a sin, too, NSFU, whether you’re helping him spill on the ground or on your tonsils”.
Hey Dan, I think you should research more on the God you are calling fictitious and read his book (Bible) properly and with sincerity. I’m absolutely sure that it will do you some good because it’s very bad to say damaging things about someone you do not know and misinterpret what he says to suit you and your audience (or fans).
My dear woman who talked about “pre-marital sex”, I think you should better listen to your parents. Your parents might sound archaic, but what they see standing on the ground, you’ll not be able to see even if you climb a tree. Talk to your fiance, if he loves and respects you, he’ll listen to you. Remember, there’s more to life than sex.
Alright, Mr. Truth here might be putting it on a little thick. If I may, perhaps you are bringing personal theories into this a bit too strongly. It seemed rather obtrusive to go beyond “you can make up your own minds about sex,” after that, you’re just wasting your time.
“God who disapproves of premarital sex” + “Spilling his seed is a sin, too,” true and true. So what is the problem? took the long way to say it but he is correct. And she is lying to herself.
Mr Truth, I’m sorry to say, but I’ve read the Bible twice over, and it’s not at all what you claim it to be. I’ve read the Bible with sincerity, under the advice of loving parents, and I came away shocked — literally shocked — by how much evil that books contains. Wars, infanticide, massacres of innocent populations, nepotism (‘God’s chosen people’), lies and deceit — I can’t think of a single mortal sin that is not recommended somewhere in the Bible.
I’m sorry, but this is one of the worst books I’ve ever seen to give you moral advice. Even though I am quite smitten by the person of Jesus — a guy I certainly would like to meet — I have the impression (let’s say He told me) that he would rather support Dan’s attitude than what the Bible suggests (the Bible is, after all, a book Jesus didn’t write and, I am sure, would have many problems with).
For a good commentary on the Bible’s many errors, lies, deceitful statements, unethical and immoral suggestions, and pure and simple bigotry, have a look at:
http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/
I don’t care what the bible says. Refraining from intercourse because of others’ views is just immature all the way around. Any adult who just grudgingly performs sexual tasks and doesn’t speak up is a resentment time bomb! What of the genius who can’t figure out that hey, maybe his wife-to-be has needs, too?? I echo Dan’s sentiment about birth control methods. If a conception happens, hold your head up high and make a decision about it. Be an adult! Sleep deprived or not, this is a great column.
I suppose that there is no real point to me responding randomly to agree with ankylosaur (Like your name by the way. That was my favorite dinosaur as a kid), but I agree that any person who has actually read the bible and still doesn’t hate god for being a complete asshole, is in fact immoral.
And, I mean, that’s god’s propaganda; not something written to defame it by its enemies. But if it exists, I hope it withers and dies.