Savage Love

I’m a 22-year-old female, and the older I get, the
more often I am ridiculed by straight men for being ugly. Just last
night, a man asked me if I was jealous of my pretty friends and if I
wished I could look like them. I know I’m unattractive, but I’ve met
wonderful girls who I think are at least as physically unattractive as
me who have managed to find someone to love them. I need to know if I
should even bother anymore—it’s hard to find a job, make friends,
and basically just find people who will treat me like a human being. I
shower every day, try to dress well, and wear makeup, but none of it
seems to help. It appears that my only options are plastic surgery or
suicide, and the older I get, the more appealing the latter becomes.
And no, I don’t have body dysmorphic disorder, I am absolutely
sure.

Anonymous

P.S. I can’t trust my friends to tell me the truth, because they
love me, which either (a) clouds their judgment, or (b) makes them
reluctant to hurt my feelings. The only commentary I have to go on
comes from people I don’t know who feel a need to inform me that I’m
ugly. But I’m not sure. Should I send you a picture?

You can send me a picture if you like,
Anonymous, preferably one taken by the brand-new therapist that you’re
going to get. Because you may or may not have body dysmorphic disorder,
and you may or may not be ugly, and your friends may or may not be
shining you on, but you clearly need more help than I can give you in
this space. But I’ll accept your self-diagnosis and say this
much…

Things will get better as you get older. Not
your looks, Anonymous, if your looks are truly the problem, but your
peers. People are assholes in their 20s, and pouring alcohol into
assholes doesn’t make ’em stink less. Straight boys raised to believe
that women exist for their pleasure will sometimes feel personally
affronted by unattractive women, and alcohol makes them feel entitled
to comment. But the passage of time makes monsters of us all,
Anonymous, and the young, relatively hot straight guys tormenting you
today are the bald, paunchy, and if there is a God, burn victims of
tomorrow.

So the numbers of guys who can appreciate what you bring to the
table—your humanity, your compassion, your ability to
love—will grow over time, kiddo, and you may find in middle age
what your girlfriends found as young adults. Unless you off yourself in
the meantime, Anonymous, in which case you won’t be around to watch
those cruel, drunken boys deteriorate, wither, and die. And why would
you want to cheat yourself out of that?

I’ve been with my husband for two years and married
for one. We eloped in June of last year and didn’t have any sort of
honeymoon. Instead, about a month later, my husband went on an overseas
trip with an old college friend. “Bill” is poor and my husband is
well-off, so my husband paid Bill’s way. I joked at the time about how
my husband was going on his honeymoon with Bill. Fast-forward to last
week: My husband tells me he is going to a conference in Europe and
meeting Bill there. I thought, okay, no big deal. Well, the day my
husband was leaving, I found out that he was spending the first four
days with Bill, Bill’s fiancée, and Bill’s sister just hanging
out, and that the actual conference didn’t start until the end of the
week. I didn’t say anything before he left, because I was so caught off
guard. Today I went to a therapist who, after hearing all this, asked
me if I thought my husband was gay.

We only have sex once a week, because I’ve forced him to make it an
appointment with me. He does not have a sex drive at all: nothing,
nada. So my question is, should I dump the therapist or is she on to
something? My husband comes back from his trip on Sunday and I’m dying
inside. Help!

Really Uncertain

Do you really want to stay married to a man who makes you feel this
way, RU, even if he is straight?

It’s been weeks now since you republished that “canned
ham” comment about the aesthetics of women’s genitals. The battle of
the sexes is creepy enough, Dan, when it’s being fought by people who
want to fuck each other. At the end of the day, straight and bisexual
men and women know that they want what the other side has got. But when
lesbians and gay men do it, not only is it cruel and dehumanizing, but
it makes Republicans smile. Conservatives already do a fantastic job of
making it seem like lesbianism is the ghastly consequence of
man-hating; the more gay men keep going on about how much women disgust
them, the more it makes them seem like deranged misogynists, rather
than sane men who just want to sleep with other men. (Never mind that
if misogyny caused gayness, the entire Republican Party would be a mad
gay orgy.)

Too Sad For A Pseudonym

Your points are well taken, TSFAP, and I
hear you. Hell, I agree with you; I frequently tear into faggots who
play up their disgust with female genitals in a misguided attempt to
justify their gayness. But my comparison of female genitals to canned
hams dropped from great heights wasn’t grounded in disgust, TSFAP, so
much as it was unfamiliarity. And, hey, I deserve some credit for
comparing women’s genitals to something I will put in my mouth. Ham?
Love it! Baked or canned, dropped from a great height or grilled to
perfection—can’t get enough! It would have been infinitely ruder
of me to compare women’s genitals to something I would never, ever put
in my mouth, something like… uh… women’s genitals.

And, excuse me, but haven’t you been paying attention? The entire
Republican Party is a mad gay orgy. Brace yourself, MSP!

So, Dan, I agree that men in their 30s and 40s who
“date” legal teenage boys have a good chance of being scummy. But what
about men who make no bones about just wanting some of that sweet twink
ass and are honest with their just-out-of-high-school playmates? Is the
40ish man who says, “I am not in love with you. I might think you’re
cool. I do think you’re hot. Let’s fuck!” a refreshingly honest
learning opportunity for a barely-legal boy just out on his own? Or
does the inherent power imbalance mean all older guys are self-deluding
scumbags?

Thirtysomething Realizes
Oldsters Lack Luster

The campsite rule applies here: So long as older persons leave
younger persons in better shape than they found them, it’s all good.
And emphasizing to a young, horny, potentially love-struck teenager
that, while there may be a mutual attraction, love isn’t in the cards
is one way an older person honors the campsite rule. But, as I wrote
last week, since almost all older men willing to sleep with
teenagers—gay or straight—are total scumbags, the older
person should be regarded as scum until proven otherwise.

mail@savagelove.net