Any time I have relationship questions, I always ask my inner Dan Savage, and he never leads me astray! My boyfriend and I have had a wonderful relationship for six years. We have had “girlfriends” in the past who were involved with both of us simultaneously. He recently met a girl and they instantly clicked. They have been on a few dates—nothing physical yet—and she seems infatuated with him. She is aware that he lives with me/we are together, but I’ve yet to meet her. I am fine with them dating, but I have a few questions:

1. My guy and I share everything. He’s shown me her texts and told me about her life. We both feel slightly uncomfortable with me knowing such personal things about her without meeting her, but we don’t want to limit the intensely open communication we have earned with each other. How much am I entitled to know about her/them, and how can he tell me about her without being disrespectful?

2. Can I meet her? Under what circumstances?

3. Can this end well for her? Every girl we’ve dated has ended up hurt because our relationship with each other is always more important than she is. I worry this girl will be devastated when he doesn’t leave me for her. Should he squelch all the romance now? She’s had a rough few years, and he doesn’t want to add to her problems. Should he even consider bringing her into our relationship? Things always end badly for the other girl, and I don’t want to hurt her.

Curious And Respectful

Your outer Dan Savage won’t lead you astray either, CAR, but he will smack you around:

1. Your guy needs to tell this girl that he shares absofuckinlutely everything with you. He needs to tell her that he’s in a successful open relationship—successful for you two, anyway—and that he has no intention of limiting the “intensely open communication” that has made your relationship work. She needs to know that you’re hearing about their dates and the details of her life, reading every text, etc.

2. Sure, you can meet her—you absofuckinlutely should meet her, CAR, as soon as possible. How about under coffee circumstances? Or drinks circumstances? Or dinner circumstances?

3. Um… gee. If every girl you two have ever “dated” has wound up hurt, CAR, then a reasonable person might conclude that YOU’RE DOING THIS OPEN-RELATIONSHIP SHIT ALL WRONG. Your “wonderful” open relationship may be working for you, but if it’s not working for them, CAR, then it’s not working.

So your outer Dan Savage is ordering you to refrain from inviting anyone else into your “wonderful” relationship until you get a handle on what’s so un-fucking-wonderful about it for your thirds. If you can’t come up with anything—if it’s really not anything you’re doing wrong—then you should have a few laminated cards made that read, “He’ll never leave me for you, his relationship with me will ALWAYS be more important than his relationship with you, and this will most likely end in tears for you. Enjoy the ride.”

Finally, CAR, if this woman is reeling from a rough few years and she can’t handle more heartache right now and everyone you’ve ever messed around with has gotten hurt and you elect to “bring her into your relationship” despite my advice, then at least have the decency to stop pretending that you give a shit about the people you mess around with. Fuck her, fuck her over, move on—but don’t stand there wringing your hands, pretending that you’re just heartsick about the damage you two are doing to people.

My 20-year-old brother is gay. He came out to my mom—she found his Facebook profile; he hasn’t come out to anyone else in the family, but we all found out anyway. (I already knew because I would be treated to some interesting porn whenever I opened the browser on the family computer after he used it.) I’ve voiced my acceptance of homosexuality while he is around, but he hasn’t come out. Should I pull him aside and tell him that the family is okay with him?

His Straight Big Brother

If you wanted to pull your brother aside to tell him the same shit every homo on earth has heard ten million times by age 20—”I love you, bro, but Jesus said that every time two dudes get it on, an angel gets an anal fissure”—I would advise you to keep your mouth shut. But since you’re supportive, and mom already knows, and it’s on his freakin’ Facebook page, pull the little coward aside. Tell him everybody knows, everybody loves him, but everybody is sick of having to pretend that they don’t know what they damn well do.

I’m a hetero guy in my late 20s. I’ve been dating a woman I am crazy about for two months. We waited a little while to have sex, but once we finally did, during the ensuing pillow talk she probed my general fantasies and I dropped that I sometimes fantasize about superheroines. Despite the fact that these fantasies are otherwise very vanilla, she freaked out and said it reflects some kind of deep psychological problems and fundamental immaturity.

Dan, these women are drawn to appeal to what the inner pubescent boy in every hetero guy wants! Can you weigh in on whether there’s something unhealthy about a grown man fantasizing about Supergirl and Zatanna?

Superheroines Unconsciously Permeate Erotic Romps

There’s nothing unhealthy about a grown man fantasizing about superheroines, SUPER, but there is something deeply disturbing about a grown man using the present tense the way you did in your letter. You wrote “a woman I am crazy about,” when what you clearly should have said was “a woman I was crazy about.”

She drew you out after sex and encouraged you to open up to her about your sexual fantasies, and then she stomped on you like that? That was an asshole move on her part, borderline emotionally/sexually abusive, and I hope you arranged to have the door hit her in the ass on her way out of your apartment.

I love it when you invent words, and I want to nominate a nameless phenomenon that sometimes afflicts boring het guys like me (as well as all other guys): The blockage that is created by dried semen on the tip of your dick after sex. You wake up at 3:00 a.m. to drop a line after dozing off after sex, and either the urine gets blocked for a moment and then bursts out like a geyser (which kinda hurts) or the blockage is only partial and the piss sprays off at some crazy angle and gets all over the floor or the walls (which kinda sucks). This phenomenon should have a name!

Can’t Spell Neologism Without Gism

I’m tempted to ask SUPER what his girlfriend’s name is, CSNWG, because if anyone on earth deserves to be forever associated with a crusty blockage that has to be pissed away after sex, it’s her. But I’m sure my readers—the folks behind “santorum”—can come up with something better. Gang?

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

301 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. “Tell me your deepest sexual fantasies… trust me… EEEWWWWWWWWW! Freak! Sicko! Loser!”

    Dan’s absolutely right – SUPER’s biggest problem is that he’s still infatuated with this vicious, uptight bitch. Unless a) another of his fantasies is being betrayed and degraded on a regular basis or b) it turns out she freaked because she was afraid he’d stumbled upon her secret identity as Wonder Woman, he needs to move on. Yesterday.

  3. SEMENT is definitely the winner.

    Also am I the only one who thought CAR sounded threatened by this new woman and only wrote in to Dan to publicly affirm that she’s DEFINITELY, NOT AT ALL threatened by her boyfriend’s attraction to this woman and it’s that OTHER woman who should be worried?

  4. wait, it’s actually a “rule” to pee after sex? it’s not exactly a choice I make, regardless of when i pissed last my body always makes me pee after i come.

    as for SUPER, if the girl’s still willing to fuck him, he just needs to start hate-fucking her until she leaves. then he needs to go pee, just to be safe.

  5. Is SUPER’s (ex-)gf, like, SUPER-conservative? This is so common, and enacting it is such a low bar to clear, that I have to wonder why one would even bring up fantasies if this wasn’t cool. Was she expecting something like: “I want you to suck my dick while I eat you out AT THE SAME TIME!!! How kinky is THAT!”? Yikes.

    @26: I strongly approve of the steampunk Batgirl costume plan.

  7. Man, there are strong candidates this time around. Sement is way too obviously good, but Spitzer? Rush Limbaugh? Crusty O’Donnell? I applaud you all.

    @56: “Was she expecting something like: ‘I want you to suck my dick while I eat you out AT THE SAME TIME!!! How kinky is THAT!’? Yikes.”

    Thank you for my first morning chuckle.

  10. I’ll chime in with “sement” FTW.

    @34 While it’s nice that you don’t want to “intentionally hurt your family,” I think that we, as parents, need to accept our children just as they are, not as we wish them to be (doctor, lawyer, baker, straight guy, whatever), so if they are hurt when you come out to them, that’s their problem, not yours. It’s up to them to rearrange their thoughts and attitudes, not up to you to have to hide who you are. You have as much right not to be hurt as they do, and staying in the closet so as not to offend granny probably hurts you as much as coming out will “hurt” her. Just my opinion, of course, but I thought I’d give you my 2 cents as a parent.

  11. A Congressional House/Senate Republican minority is the crusty blockage that refuses to be pissed away after sex. A GOP minority blocks everything up so that important things (like pissing, health-care reform, gun control laws) can’t get done or get done so badly that there’s a huge mess to clean up afterward.

    But I’d be willing to settle for calling it the Mitch McConnell as he’s certainly the crustiest ‘member’.

  12. I can’t think of a better answer to “what’s your fetish?” Dressing up and acting as a horny superheroine / supervillainess for my fellow sounds like *so* much fun. I’d much rather hear that than… a lot of other options.

  15. SUPER’s gf sounds like the most ultra-vanilla person ever. Being interested in superheros is pretty vanilla as it is. It is basically dressing up and roleplaying. That is pretty basic fantasy material. Would she have complained if he said he wanted to role play as a cop? Not that different.

    Honestly, if she wanted to hear about his fantasies and was weirded out by superheros then I cannot imagine what should would be okay with.

    Actually, I want 10 minutes with her. I would break her brain telling her what I think about.

  19. @ SUPER: excellent advice. Drawing someone out and then stomping on them? Beyond uncool.

    @ 12 Sement is brilliant. (But I agree, go pee).

  20. Sement FTW

    @ 34 I agree with Canuck @ 61 (the voice of parental reason). It’s your life, you have every right to live it freely and openly, and not to have to constantly rack your brains trying to find non gender specific ways to talk about it. If dad and grandma aren’t so accepting of you, well, that’s too bad, but it’s their “parental values” that should be questioned, not your sexual orientation, since the former can be changed, but not the latter.

  23. While it does sound like SUPER’s girlfriend handled the situation badly and was generally a jerk, it’s possible that her reaction was driven by jealousy and insecurity rather than extreme sexual conservatism.

    Think about it: SUPER didn’t say that he fantasized about having sex with someone roleplaying as a superheroine; he just said he fantasized about superheroines — i.e., other women. And not just any other women, but the kind of women that SUPER’s girlfriend could never hope to become herself (unless she’s bitten by a radioactive spider or something, and we all know how often that happens).

    When SUPER’s girlfriend initiated the conversation about fantasies, she was probably hoping that SUPER would name an activity that she could participate in. Instead, he disclosed a preference for something that she isn’t and cannot be. I’m guessing that, rightly or wrongly, SUPER’s girlfriend thought SUPER was saying something along the lines of “comic-book superheroines are SOOOO much sexier and SOOOO much cooler than real women (and I’m only with you because they don’t exist).” Hence her fit of pique and accusations of immaturity.

  24. you people are really fucked in the head…

    … which is why I like you

    sement is the best word so far, maybe with the idea of the crust that goes flying is called a sement block

  28. Good to know there’s a “RULE” about peeing after coming…geez! How about the “rule” that I’m sleepy and soporific after coming and I’m rolling over and going to sleep? I’ll deal with the sement and messy walls in the morning, thank you all so very much. Oddly enough, no sement has ever given me a UTI.

  30. “some kind of deep psychological problems and fundamental immaturity.”

    A dickish attack, be it the product of conservatism or an inability to handle jealousy/insecurity. Just because she might be sad or upset herself doesn’t make her what she said excusable. Unless she’s prepared to come around and apologize profusely, I’d cut this one loose.

  31. @79: “Oddly enough, no sement has ever given me a UTI.”

    Well, going on the assumption that this means you’ve never had a UTI full-stop, that’s probably why it isn’t a rule for you. UTIs SUCK. Big time.

    I’m also crazy sleepy after sex, but following a few incidents, I now pee after sex *religiously.* I’m not surprised that others have also made it a “rule” in their lives, if they’ve had the same experiences as I have.

    But unlike you, I’m not really offended that your practises differ from mine.

  34. All of the people saying you need to pee after sex seem to be females. True for females.

    The dribble of semen after masturbation can have the same effect.

  35. Sement rocks! though presumably not when you’ve got it… I practice good preventive hygiene by giving my guy a good post-coital squeeze, root to tip. Also works as a DIY.

  37. Sement also can occur when you were wearing a condom.

    Or after a blow job.

    And doesn’t the act of squirting semen out a man’s urethra basically accomplish the same thing as a woman peeing?

    (anyone remember the sement scene from “Me, Myself, and Irene”?)

  38. I love that in Savage Love world, not being ridiculously kinky makes you a terrible person but you can hatefuck your girlfriend until she leaves you and that’s cool. Basically, if you’re female and you prefer vanilla sex, go kill yourself.

  39. Dave M. – #54 – I’m with you. Her letter had “I don’t want this woman in my relationship” all over it. She was building a case against her. And asking, “can I meet her” was weird, if they’re open and share everything etc.

  42. Completely agree with the advice to SUPER. As I read the letter, all I thought was what an ass! I have way too many geek pals (and too many sci fi crushes myself) to accept that sort of nonsense.

  44. @89
    Who said not being kinky is a terrible thing? But if you ask for fantasies you have to expect to hear some sort of fantasy, and I imagine it will normally be something a little kinky. More than just sex at least. What did she expect? That his fantasy would be a romantic dinner followed by straightforward sex?

  46. @ 71 and 61,

    Wish the story was better told…those are two out of the three people who are paying for college (dad finally relented into helping). And, if it was a perfect world — I would have nothing to hide. As well, I have either hidden myself that I believe what is on the outside is the same as what I have inside (there is no way that anyone could suspect). So, I have an issue with social identity — I have no friggin’ clue what is me and what is not me. I have more problems than that, but won’t get into them here. Also, I believe (personally) that I have forfeited what I wanted a long time ago because I am the one lying to them. Honestly, I think it is only my business (granny and dad are not participants) so let them live blissfully.

  47. “Um… gee. If every girl you two have ever “dated” has wound up hurt, CAR, then a reasonable person might conclude that YOU’RE DOING THIS OPEN-RELATIONSHIP SHIT ALL WRONG.”

    Yep, that flashed thru my mind when reading it as well. Several times is a pattern, and it’s not the third…

  49. “Dan, these women are drawn to appeal to what the inner pubescent boy in every hetero guy wants! “

    Hm. I think boys are presently socially and culturally trained to consider this to be what they want. Otherwise we’d fucking find superheroine drawings on cave walls.

  50. “The blockage that is created by dried semen on the tip of your dick after sex.”

    I could have happily lived the rest of my life not knowing about this o.O. However, I’m throwing my vote in with “phelps”…

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