Any time I have relationship questions, I always ask my inner Dan Savage, and he never leads me astray! My boyfriend and I have had a wonderful relationship for six years. We have had “girlfriends” in the past who were involved with both of us simultaneously. He recently met a girl and they instantly clicked. They have been on a few dates—nothing physical yet—and she seems infatuated with him. She is aware that he lives with me/we are together, but I’ve yet to meet her. I am fine with them dating, but I have a few questions:

1. My guy and I share everything. He’s shown me her texts and told me about her life. We both feel slightly uncomfortable with me knowing such personal things about her without meeting her, but we don’t want to limit the intensely open communication we have earned with each other. How much am I entitled to know about her/them, and how can he tell me about her without being disrespectful?

2. Can I meet her? Under what circumstances?

3. Can this end well for her? Every girl we’ve dated has ended up hurt because our relationship with each other is always more important than she is. I worry this girl will be devastated when he doesn’t leave me for her. Should he squelch all the romance now? She’s had a rough few years, and he doesn’t want to add to her problems. Should he even consider bringing her into our relationship? Things always end badly for the other girl, and I don’t want to hurt her.

Curious And Respectful

Your outer Dan Savage won’t lead you astray either, CAR, but he will smack you around:

1. Your guy needs to tell this girl that he shares absofuckinlutely everything with you. He needs to tell her that he’s in a successful open relationship—successful for you two, anyway—and that he has no intention of limiting the “intensely open communication” that has made your relationship work. She needs to know that you’re hearing about their dates and the details of her life, reading every text, etc.

2. Sure, you can meet her—you absofuckinlutely should meet her, CAR, as soon as possible. How about under coffee circumstances? Or drinks circumstances? Or dinner circumstances?

3. Um… gee. If every girl you two have ever “dated” has wound up hurt, CAR, then a reasonable person might conclude that YOU’RE DOING THIS OPEN-RELATIONSHIP SHIT ALL WRONG. Your “wonderful” open relationship may be working for you, but if it’s not working for them, CAR, then it’s not working.

So your outer Dan Savage is ordering you to refrain from inviting anyone else into your “wonderful” relationship until you get a handle on what’s so un-fucking-wonderful about it for your thirds. If you can’t come up with anything—if it’s really not anything you’re doing wrong—then you should have a few laminated cards made that read, “He’ll never leave me for you, his relationship with me will ALWAYS be more important than his relationship with you, and this will most likely end in tears for you. Enjoy the ride.”

Finally, CAR, if this woman is reeling from a rough few years and she can’t handle more heartache right now and everyone you’ve ever messed around with has gotten hurt and you elect to “bring her into your relationship” despite my advice, then at least have the decency to stop pretending that you give a shit about the people you mess around with. Fuck her, fuck her over, move on—but don’t stand there wringing your hands, pretending that you’re just heartsick about the damage you two are doing to people.

My 20-year-old brother is gay. He came out to my mom—she found his Facebook profile; he hasn’t come out to anyone else in the family, but we all found out anyway. (I already knew because I would be treated to some interesting porn whenever I opened the browser on the family computer after he used it.) I’ve voiced my acceptance of homosexuality while he is around, but he hasn’t come out. Should I pull him aside and tell him that the family is okay with him?

His Straight Big Brother

If you wanted to pull your brother aside to tell him the same shit every homo on earth has heard ten million times by age 20—”I love you, bro, but Jesus said that every time two dudes get it on, an angel gets an anal fissure”—I would advise you to keep your mouth shut. But since you’re supportive, and mom already knows, and it’s on his freakin’ Facebook page, pull the little coward aside. Tell him everybody knows, everybody loves him, but everybody is sick of having to pretend that they don’t know what they damn well do.

I’m a hetero guy in my late 20s. I’ve been dating a woman I am crazy about for two months. We waited a little while to have sex, but once we finally did, during the ensuing pillow talk she probed my general fantasies and I dropped that I sometimes fantasize about superheroines. Despite the fact that these fantasies are otherwise very vanilla, she freaked out and said it reflects some kind of deep psychological problems and fundamental immaturity.

Dan, these women are drawn to appeal to what the inner pubescent boy in every hetero guy wants! Can you weigh in on whether there’s something unhealthy about a grown man fantasizing about Supergirl and Zatanna?

Superheroines Unconsciously Permeate Erotic Romps

There’s nothing unhealthy about a grown man fantasizing about superheroines, SUPER, but there is something deeply disturbing about a grown man using the present tense the way you did in your letter. You wrote “a woman I am crazy about,” when what you clearly should have said was “a woman I was crazy about.”

She drew you out after sex and encouraged you to open up to her about your sexual fantasies, and then she stomped on you like that? That was an asshole move on her part, borderline emotionally/sexually abusive, and I hope you arranged to have the door hit her in the ass on her way out of your apartment.

I love it when you invent words, and I want to nominate a nameless phenomenon that sometimes afflicts boring het guys like me (as well as all other guys): The blockage that is created by dried semen on the tip of your dick after sex. You wake up at 3:00 a.m. to drop a line after dozing off after sex, and either the urine gets blocked for a moment and then bursts out like a geyser (which kinda hurts) or the blockage is only partial and the piss sprays off at some crazy angle and gets all over the floor or the walls (which kinda sucks). This phenomenon should have a name!

Can’t Spell Neologism Without Gism

I’m tempted to ask SUPER what his girlfriend’s name is, CSNWG, because if anyone on earth deserves to be forever associated with a crusty blockage that has to be pissed away after sex, it’s her. But I’m sure my readers—the folks behind “santorum”—can come up with something better. Gang?

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

301 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. @150 Good luck to you, then. I can see how it would be tricky if they’re paying for your education, and as you say, it’s your business…but, as @147 suggested, the public face you’ve been presenting to everyone since forever, it sounds like, may be part of what is causing you stress? Anyhoo, lots of people here who just love to give free advice (not that you actually want it) if you are in the market… 🙂

  2. Spork (spoo cork, spunk cork, semen cork)? Too bad it already has a meaning. Although it does open up a cheesy line: “baby I’d love to spoon but I’ve gotta go take care of this spork.” Or a PSA: “Remember kids, de-spork before you spoon.”

  4. 1. The boyfriend should find someone experienced in poly (maybe even someone with a primary partner of her own).

    2. Yes, talk to him (and also tell him to clear the browser history – leaving porn up is just rude).

    3. I agree that what SUPER’s girlfriend did was ridiculous, but he should find out why she freaked out (maybe she’s jealous, as some people said, or she’s naive – or she could be an emotionally abusive/manipulative fuckwit). There could be a totally valid reason, but SUPER won’t know if the relationship is worth saving until he asks. Plus, if he dumps her for this without an explanation, she’ll convince herself that he was a pervert and that she did nothing wrong – even if the relationship ends up not being salvageable, maybe she’ll learn something in the process of trying to make things work.

    4. PEE AFTER SEX. Gross.

  6. @ 153,
    Thank you for respecting that; it was my fault (as I do not fail to point out), but my sexuality is the least of my worries now. Basically keeping myself happy and occupied is what I need; and I hate airing out dirty laundry — but as I have done it to the nth degree already, I might as well right? My pseudofacade or whatever goes on in my fool head — it is not that I keep myself from living my life (admittedly I don’t comment on anyone’s looks, but that is a problem I am rapidly getting over): I support my campus’ LGBTQ community, consider myself a member, attend their functions regularly and (hate this phrase) religiously. I want a relationship, but can’t help feeling unready (I realize that I don’t have to be 100%, honestly I would kill for 50% — but that is too optimistic at this point) and unable to make the leap and just choose. On campus (I am technically away at school 1000 miles from home) I act according to my true nature — timid/shy but loveable and smart. Also, I have no way of separating me from whatever kind of mask it is that I wear — and it is not like I take it off — which is my problem. Where the mask ends, or I begin is honestly anyone’s guess; I wish I had a better understanding of myself and I don’t. People to meet, crosses to bear — that’s just life. Enough with my unorthodox social life; I don’t think I could stand another comment.

  9. Dang, sement is taken, but the definition isn’t really that far off. So all it needs is a little modifier, like boehner cement.

    I like the Limbaugh suggestion too. How about Limp(dick)baughers, in honor of the poster boy for viagra smugglers? Boy, boy molester… close enough.

  16. Cumclot is also a dirty word; changing it to kumclot (which is basically the same thing as sement) is kind of disappointing really.
    We should popularize sement, though — it sounds classical and infintely dirty “She’s [semented] in there pretty well.” Cumclot (which is how it is spelt in the urban dictionary) sounds like the fruit — too cute. Which is why my vote is for sement. Getting on another subject: I’m tired of all the political crap — we get it they suck (but you know what all VERY successfull politicians suck! Anywhere and everywhere that they can fuck you they will, because in part it is an innane but totally legitamized popularity contest). Good Lord, now I am all hot and sweaty — cumclots and sements (how bout a lube named sement — clever, but no one would by it unless there was an explanation of the name). Don’t you miss the times when all we had was word of mouth to get words like snowballing, felching, and cum-slag out there? Now, we even have a dictionary for our own dirty words (are we more perverse or less perverse for having created such a thing to invent our own dirty words? I say less because it goes against intuition and if everybody knows the meaning — let’s face it, we want to tell people (almost a source of pride in some, myself included) to gross them out, tell them how raunchy and nasty our minds are, and basically feign sexually mastery — the name loses it’s power).
    –These words of dishonesty brought to you by the pungent mist of a fart from downwind. Again santorum in your mouth if you don’t like what I say.

  18. I think I’ve got it. I’m still saying seament for the win, and even more so because it instantly brings to mind the Beverly Hillbilies and Dukes of Hazard, and this neighbor I used to have…

    And when you’re blocked with seament and don’t Spitzer it out promptly, the nagging infection that shows up two days later and refuses to go away is your Palin.

    Phelps is pretty well cornered now by guys who get in and out of the pool much more quickly than the average man, but perhaps it could also be expanded to include the infected track marks you get after sharing a needle with your prostitute while on a week-long meth binge…

  19. @150 bsmaster Only you can decide when and if to come out. Only your family will be able (or not) to control their actions. You (and possibly your therapist) are the one(s) in a position to judge what the possible fallout may be.

    But generally speaking, if it puts you in danger of actual physical harm: don’t do it in person.

    If it puts you in danger of them tossing you out on your ass, leaving you underage and destitute: Perhaps it may be best to wait a couple of years.

    If it means they won’t pay for college: do you really need them to? To me, every single penny of the student loans I’ll be paying off until I’m 97 is worth it to have been able to look at the people trying to use their money to control my decisions and make me be who they wanted me to be, and say, “it’s okay, I don’t need it.”

    And it sounds like half your family already knows, so why not just get the rest of it over with? Does it ever occur to you that you could be putting additional strain on your family dynamic just by having some family members keep you in the closet to others? And if it’s no big deal, why are you making such a big deal out of it by NOT telling your father — especially when odds are he already knows?

    You never know, they might be just as pleasantly surprised at your directness and honesty, as you are by their adult, mature, reasonable reactions to it. See the responses from some of the awesome parents on this board. But then, I don’t know your family…

    My cousin had to slap me to my senses and tell me I was being rude by not coming out to certain people (conservative grandmother included). I thought it was no big deal too, but certain people want to have “The Conversation” with you. Either because they want to feel included, or because they want to have their say about it.

    So over a few months, I made it a point to have The Conversation with everybody who didn’t already “know.”

    And you know what, after everybody had their reactions–which ranged from “duuuuhhhh @.@” to “what about grandkids?!?!?” to “You make Jesus cry, you’re not welcome in my home, or to the family functions we hold here” to “when do I meet your girlfriend?” to “I never want to meet any girlfriend,” to “hey, let’s go out and pick up some chicks” to “don’t expect any money out of me”–it turns out they still love me anyways–even if it took them until Jesus finally stopped crying to admit it aloud. And, I’m not indebted to them for anything, I never have to worry about trying to hide who I am around them, or worry about introducing them to a new girlfriend or boyfriend, but at the same time I don’t flaunt it around certain family members, and they do their best to keep their muttering about the evils of “teh gays” (and by extension “teh bis”) out my earshot.

    But you know, Dan’s said this so much more eloquently than me so many times. Yours is not an uncommon situation, and he answers variations on this question on a regular basis. Read, watch, listen, follow links. You’ll learn something.

    And haven’t you heard yet?

    IT GETS BETTER!!

    Oh, and stick with therapy. Images that cycle and you can’t get rid of, depending on the nature of the image, are generally a sign of something Not Good. PTSD, obsessive disorders, major depression, severe anxiety, and so on. Though, sometimes, a change of scenery (perhaps a college Far Far Away) and putting new stuff in your head to focus on can work wonders too.

  22. I’m kinda disagreeing on the SUPER question.

    Which is to say, I think there’s two different questions. One is about a guy who fantasizes about super heroes, and asked if that was normal — the other is about a girl who had sex with a guy for the first time, and in the afterglow of pillowtalk, when she was trying to pick up on ideas from his fantasies about how they should have sex next time, he told her that he’d rather be having sex with cartoon characters.

    In other words, she probably wanted to know about his fantasies *about her*. When she found out that she WASN’T the object of the fantasies of the guy she just slept with, she reacted poorly.

    So don’t write her off, necessarily. And don’t take her words to heart; she was wanting to hear how wonderful she is, and how much you want to do it again, with her; telling her about how wonderful PowerGirl’s cleavage would have been like a bucket of cold water on her head, but so would have been telling her you fantasize about celebrities or enjoy watching porn: it was supposed to be about her, and it wasn’t. That’s her problem, not superheroes.

    Which isn’t to say that she handled it well, either. Just saying that I think both SUPER and Dan answered the wrong question.

  23. Some years ago I saw a comedian on Late Night with Conan do a bit about split streams while urinating. If memory serves correct, he referred to it has Magic Harry Potter Tinkle, or something to that effect.

    To this day, when I have a stream shoot off in an unintended direction I say to my say, ‘whoa, Harry Potter tinkle.’

  25. Wow, The woman is freaked out by a little yen for a busty chick in seriously form fitting clothes, who is, by definition, “good” (“good” as opposed to “bad”, in this case) who can, despite being all things honorable, kick major ass… This strikes me as a GOOD thing in a fella- if we’re going to disect and analyze a completely harmless and culturally commonplace fantasy, wanting to do Wonder Woman strikes me as a marvelous tribute to an admiration of strong, independant, incorruptable (as in “will do the right thing at every crossroads” regardless of risk or inconvenience) I’d say this is as “pro-woman” as stroke fuel gets….. and it’s not that damn significant. Almost fantasies are at least somewhat adolescent simply because most took hold during puberty… DUH.
    The woman is a bitch to have coaxed him to share and then kicked him for it… Dan’s right, the door should hit her ass on the way out.

  26. Smegma is totally different- That’s the disgusting combination of shed skin cells, bacteria, sweat and traces of urine and other secretions that collects under the foreskin of an uncircumsised man who is not careful about keeping himself clean… sort of the penile equivilant of toe jam.

  30. “der WeinerBlochenSchpritzer”?

    A “pudplug”?

    A “270” (number of degrees my piddle radiates from my member)

    and a little nod to “poopnoodle”: “spoogenoodle”

  34. I’m with arsfrisco on the cum blockage and the risk of peeing all over the place. Sit down, for goodness sakes! And why would you even worry about it looking wrong for a dude? You sit down when you take a dump don’t you? (Don’t you!?)

  35. I’m with arsfrisco (#151): sit down when you pee after sex. And don’t worry about it looking weird for a dude. You sit down when you take a dump, don’t you? Don’t you?! In fact, if you regularly share a bathroom with a female, think of sitting down all the time. Way less toilet rim splatter.

  39. In response to CSNWG: I like sement and if popular opinion rules it will probably be the winner, BUT when I heard of the “problem” I thought of a “semen” cap on one’s penis, so I looked up the official name of the caps Seamen wear to see if it was a good fit…”Gob Cap” – it fit perfectly!

  41. OMFG, worst mistake — making a comment that had anything to do with me. I’ll just comment on the dirty words and not make this horrible, horrible mistake — thank you Lord, I have learned my lesson: do not comment if someone else is going to think that they know your life better than you do.
    Anyway…@171, thank you for telling me all that? For me, I am in a college Far Far Away (can’t pay out of state tuition because it is insane and I only get subsidized loans — and that is just for tuition; that is to say that — I don’t have a job yet — I do not have ANY money for anything else, although I have worked on changing that. I have bent over backwards with scholarship applications and generally trying to help; myself out a bit; but none of that is certain/dependable because my mother made herself into a decent person). Off that soapbox and onto another one — thank you for telling me that I could be messed up (NOT the word I thought first) and while your differential diagnosis is delightly informed (of course it is, why would someone be so willing to dole out medical advice if they didn’t absolutely know right?) it is entirely wasted. My therapist knows more about me than anyone on the planet, because I cannot (nor do I wish to) disclose certain information about myself to my family. And if they are so in want of thinking that they know this about me — and want to “confirm” and/or rant about it — 1) why should I let them? 2) It is out there — if people want to know they can ASK me or look it up! 3) We don’t share our sex lives with our family, so why the fuck does our family care? 4) Screw honesty! It is not always the best policy — I am not damaged by it (never teased in high school or middle school and I was not in the closet there) and my family is blissfully ignorant. 5) (Can’t help but use complete sentences even though it is a list) I have no perspective on the situation — so even if I wanted to change it (if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it) — there would be no way to satisfy my needs.
    Let’s just say, for argument’s sake that I come out right now — tell them everything. Basically I’d be telling them “Well, I am bisexual so you can be upset for [certain period of time] and rant and rave — but after that you can’t do it or I am jumping off the bandwagon.” They might say they knew, they might be shocked, maybe even cry a little bit. Where does that leave me if I basically do not change any of my core behaviors? It leaves me with a hurt family, and me feeling like a major asshole who made a major mistake. And lastly, even if I did get some benefit from it I won’t be happy until I get my (far removed, and possibly completely separate) mental problems under control.
    I realize you said that I have the choice — and I certainly do. If there is NO benefit for me, or them (I don’t give a crap if they feel uncomfortable about me in the closet, if they wanted to be the better person and fix a lie then they can TALK to me — I have given them no indication that I would not be okay with any advice from my family) then what is the point in doing it?
    But honesty is somehow this magical thing that keeps people unstressed and happy? Hell to the no!
    Tired of it, and will stop reading the comments — so it will be physically pointless to give me advice (because I am clearly a wackjob and not worth your precious words). So don’t strain yourselves trying to “advise” me.
    –Seament is a better word, but I still like sement even though it has a non-popularized definition already. If you have a criticism about my spelling or grammar, you may go ahead and fellate me.

  44. 74 makes a good point. I have a friend who makes it a habit of telling older women how attracted he is to young women. Of course they get pissed off and forget about their supposed liberal open mindedness. Maybe the gf took offense in the same way she might if he admitted he had a thing for 18 year old chearleaders, or the women in playboy. Kind of dumb if you look at it that way.

  47. CSNWG,
    what you are describing is called “Kalanbè” in Haitian creole. It is used in Haitian curses.

    Dan Savage,
    I am hoping that the event of a Haitian writing in to Savage Love about Creole is rare enough that I get a mention.

    It’s good to hope, at least.

  48. @145: ‘…which may very well mean she laughed and said “oh my god, so you have a cartoon fetish. That’s so childish.” ‘

    If we have to second-guess what she actually said, I’ll take his wording over yours. Something about “fundamental immaturity” has the ring of a direct quote to me.

    Letter Writer: Clearly she has just demonstrated to you that she is emotionally unsafe. She drew you out in a moment of shared intimacy, openness, and vulnerability, and then stomped on you.

    The fact that the overreaction was over something so vanilla tells me that the person with the maturity problem is her, not you; but that is kind of beside the point. You can’t do anything about her issues. You can only take responsibility for yourself.

    Were I in your shoes, that would be the last personal question I would answer in her presence for a very long time, perhaps ever. Once it’s been established that she needs to stay on the outside of your emotional armor, that tends to seriously spoil her chances of being the right relationship for you. At that point, why prolong it?

    It’s possible that you giving her a curt dismissal will clue her in as to how how badly she fucked up (hell, print this article and give it to her), she’ll apologize, and make a serious effort to get her shit together. At that point you can reconsider your options. (Personally, I doubt that will work, because after you dump her, _both_ of you will be feeling unsafe about the other. But hey, you never know.) But don’t even consider getting back together unless she gets down on her metaphorical knees and takes full responsibility for the all-but-premeditated knee-chopping she dealt you.

  49. A crusty blockage that has to be pissed away after sex. For some reason the term PALIN comes to mind as she (paraphrasing CNSWG) Spurts out like a geyser that kinda hurts or shoots off at some crazy angle and gets all over the place.

  50. how about Dyke VanDick.
    dutch translation: dam from the dick.
    i.e.”Gotta go pee so I don’t wake up with Dyke VanDick.”

    sement is good but too subtle aurally.
    filibuster- isn’t that already what happens while you’re generating Santorum?

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