Savage Love

1. Ooh first, I think. I totally agree with the last bit of advice. My “friend” used to include me in his sex games by asking to meet me at a place, and then sneaking in and having sex with his boyfriend there, so he knew someone was waiting for him to finish. I was only, like, 14. It was creepy.

2. Apparently Naive Housewife: you should have asked to speak to his mistress. That situation sounds like sexual harassment and is very creepy. Like Mistress Matisse hinted at, he could have written that letter becuse he thought that the harassment would go over better if a woman was “supposedly” in charge of his creepy behavior. So so icky to sexualize an otherwise non-sexual, and vulnerable, situation. Also, if he is in a DOM/Sub relationship like he describes, aren’t they being weird about it? Like, does he give that letter to ALL of his customers? Is his mistress taking proper care of him by setting him up to be molested or hurt like this? None of it makes sense, besides being creepy.

3. I’m a bit surprised you didn’t mention that ANH was probably holding the key to Sparky’s chastity device, Dan.

   How do I know? People used to send me messages on collarme asking me to “hold their key” all the time.

4. Re KOMS, many kinky women may not be interested in NSA + BDSM. I won’t let guys tie me up in private unless I know them. We don’t have to be dating, but I’d better be friends with his friends. KOMS is not in a stable time in his life (about to head overseas), and that also rings my alarm bells as far as private play.

   Best bet may be to hook up with a couple, where the husband tags along to make his wife feel safer letting a strange army dude have his way with her. Or go to a public club, be very very charming, and hope to play with someone there.

   (If he’s looking for a mistress, then his problem is just that there aren’t very many of them out there, so they get to be even pickier than your average woman.)

   For DRY, don’t sex columnists have an obligation to ask women who claim to be asexual whether they’ve ever even had an orgasm? That can be learned, and might change her outlook.

5. On a tangent, I am surprised no one has a complaint about the way the first letter starts out. Is the girlfriend a sociopath because she dumped him for his military choice? Or is the dumping in addition to other things he didn’t like. It seems like he thinks that him going into the military isn’t a valid reason for a girl to dump him. Why not? He is about to leave. For a long time. He clearly made this decision unilaterally without her, so she gets to decide for herself whether she wants to stick around (and if their relationship wasn’t serious enough to make the decision together, what is the big deal?). I most likely wouldn’t stay with someone if they up and joined the military on me. Something about that part really just does not sit well with me…

6. @4, i absolutely agree with your opinion of DRY. although there are some ladies who just dont enjoy sex. I can tell you I hate #2ing. If i could find a way to do away with that and live my life… i would. Just kidding. She could be not very sexually versed, or possibly a victim of sexual assault. Depending, either of those things can def make the difference.

   ANH, go with your little gut and listen to what its telling you. Those instincts are completely valid. Did you find him in the sexuality+services section? or has the business relationship evolved in some way to include something along those lines? Sounds like it hasnt… so don’t feel weird not hiring him again. Its not quite explicit in his or your job description to play dom/sub games. I agree with Matiesse in the err of professional conduct.

7. @5- right on the money.

8. In response to KOM, when I was in the military I used to date online myself but I never let on that I was in the military until it seemed alright to let the other person know (I said what I did for a living if asked but didn’t get any further into detail than that unless asked). All in all though I totally agree with Dan.

9. @5: Read the first two sentences again. Was the second one — the one about her cheating on him with a married man — present the first time you read the letter? Did Dan have to edit that tidbit back into the letter for clarity, or did you just miss it the first time?

   Those two sentences, taken together, certainly imply that she was a piece of work, and that there was more back-story than needed to be explicitly included in the letter.

10. To KOM, I was once in the military and I took to online dating much the same way you have (as a means to “branch out” per se). I never included that I was in the military though and whenever asked what I did for a living I simply gave my job title (because it was just as much truth, that’s not to say that I eventually mentioned being in the military but that’s something to work up to… in private). What I’m getting at is that you’re divulging too much information, with that being said I also totally agree with what Dan had to say.

11. Rehashing the asexual thread once again, I see.

    DRY, you need to go back and check out all of the posts from 1-2 months ago, when we explored asexuality ad nauseum. Sounds like you’ll learn a lot.

    But DRY, a typical heterosexual guy’s second or third most important reason for getting into a relationship/marriage is for frequent sexual relations. Sure, there are guys that put sex at a much lower level, but they wouldn’t be typical.

    Compare that to your own admission that sex is somewhere near #48 on your list and your answer is clear. Most guys would run away from you, no matter how beautiful, sweet or warm you are.

12. I think that the electrician has been masturbating to seventies porn videos where horny housewives get it on with repair men, then forgot this only happens in porn movies. His “mistress” is a figment of his imagination.

    I am in the kink community, and I see far too many confused men who think that they have a right to sexual attention from women. I suggest you repay him by reporting him to the state licensing board.

13. To DRY: Your current boyfriend may be able to deal with this, but ONLY if you are up front about it.

    If you try to hide or downplay your lack of libido, he will eventually start thinking that you don’t find HIM attractive, and that protestations about low libido are an excuse to put him off. It is painful to feel sexually attracted to one’s life partner and not have that feeling reciprocated. Over time, the constant rejection he feels under those circumstances will grind his self-esteem into a pile of tiny little abrasive particles, and eventually will kill the relationship. If you are lucky, he will leave before finding someone with whom to cheat on you. If he is lucky, he will leave long before this has him writing in to Dan Savage about which circle of Hell his sex life resembles.

    That’s not to say that you can’t have a successful relationship with this guy, but there will have to be some sort of accommodations made. Maybe you can learn to fake enthusiasm in the short term, and maybe get over disliking sex in the longer term. Maybe he can get his sexual needs met outside the relationship, with your blessing. (Don’t even think of trying to make him remain monogamous if you aren’t going to be a regular and active participant in his sex life.)

    Whatever the accommodation turns out to be, it has to be done with full disclosure, and soon. If you don’t disclose right up front, I guarantee that things will progress under a bunch of reasonable but false assumptions on his part, which, when things don’t work according to those assumptions, lead only to a lot of misunderstanding and heartbreak.

    I’m a little worried that you are saying you are “in a great heterosexual relationship.” Most great heterosexual relationships involve great heterosexual sex. Have you spent the last several months shoving genitals together and now you’re getting tired of it? I sure hope that isn’t the case, because it would mean you’ve been lying to him. Is he trying to be “caring and understanding” and give you all the space you need? Fuck, I hope not. That’s throwing away the best years of his sexuality.

    You talk about this like you would prefer to make it work with your current boyfriend. That may or may not work out over the long term, and it will be some work. Dan’s advice is better for the general case. You will have better luck if you can find somebody equally asexual as yourself.

14. OK, one of the first responders.

    I think DRY is probably just an average woman. News flash Dan, Asexuals are rare, probably less than 1% of the population. All these minimally sexual women who write (or more commonly who are written about) fall on the normal continuum. I understand the need to try and create this new huge category of people who have a grievance and chip on their shoulder (Asexual power!) but can we avoid medicalizing everything?

    I would love to be there at the big revelation though: “Honey, you know I love you but I just don’t like having sex with you. Can we just cuddle from now on? That will be OK, right?” LMFAO. She should marry him first- that is how it is usually done.

    As for Soldier boy- thanks for serving your country but I caught the learning about foreplay portion also. I am guessing you’re going infantry not helicoptor pilot school? Methinks there is more to the story than the liberal freelovers don’t want to boink a future soldier.

    ANH was sexually violated. This is more than creepy. I think it actually borders on criminal.

15. To ANH: Take his key, then order him to tear up his invoice and get the hell out.

16. I think EricaP’s onto something here, something that rarely gets addressed when men start in on “asexual” women. It could very well be that DRY has never had an orgasm, and not only does she not know what she’s missing, but she has become frustrated with what she experiences as a vaguely pleasurable experience which devolves into a tedious grind (pun intended) to be gotten through.

    Think about how you’d view sex if you never got over the barest threshold of arousal. After a while you might only get “‘horny’ maybe twice year,” and vastly prefer cuddling. There would never have been a payoff, and frequently, there might be actual discomfort.

    Dan is in a hurry to have DRY say something like, “I am asexual and you have a right to know this before committing to me for life,” so as to give the boyfriend a chance to dump her and then he wants her to go register with some sort of asexual dating group so that, like a leper, she will be limited in her social and romantic interactions to those of her own kind.

    I suggest that she ask and answer a few questions. First these: Has she ever had an orgasm? Does she masturbate? Does she have any idea of what arouses her, and if not, has she tried to explore erotica, porn, or other avenues of assistance to accessing her erotic imagination?

    Then these: How often are she and her bf currently having sex? If it is frequent (or far more frequent than she would like), does it give her some sort of emotional pleasure to please her bf, and if that’s all she’s getting out of the experiences, is she willing to continue at the same rate of frequency forever? Does her bf seem satisfied with the frequency and quality of the sex they’re having, or has he expressed dissatisfaction?

    Then the really big one: have they discussed the mis-match of libidos before (is her bf even aware that there is a mis-match)?

    They need to come to some mutual understanding and decisions. Either she is willing to continue having sex for her husband’s sake, even if she gets nothing much out of it because she loves him, or he needs to understand what a low priority sex is for her and be willing to accept that, or he needs permission to fulfill some of his sexual needs outside the marriage, or (my favorite) they need to work together to try to open her up to enjoying sex more, which would hopefully have the correlative effect of making her more desirous of sex more frequently–but without putting pressure on her (“how about now? Do you like it better now?”), or they need to break up and seek other people more like-minded about sexual desire and frequency.

    But to just write her off as an asexual who has an obligation to disclose is to miss the boat.

17. @14 – I think the LW is giving herself that label, saying she’s not interested in sex. She looks around, and other people seem to be enjoying it a lot more than she is. Dan’s responding to what she says. But (as someone who has been there, done that), I think she just doesn’t know that she has never had an orgasm. She has had little flutters, that she has called orgasms, but she doesn’t have anything to compare them too.

    Having orgasms is not obvious for many women. They need porn, vibrators, or really talented boyfriends. Sounds like she has had none of the above.

18. Dear DRY, while #13 has some pretty good advice to add to Dan’s (consider opening up the relationship, consider “fake it til you make it”…), #13 also seems really really emotionally invested and so forgot to consider this as a possibility: maybe your BF is also mostly asexual. You didn’t disclose how often you two are grinding genitals. If that amounts to “not very often” and he’s still talking about a future, then you might have found a sexually compatible match. Even more reason to disclose. And if he’s not like you, there are creative solutions to sexual incompatibility, but none involve repression and very few involve dishonesty. If you’re reading Dan, then you clearly feel comfortable thinking about sexuality. Start discussing it with your partner–this current BF and if he doesn’t work out, your future romantic encounters–they are the ones with the real answers.

19. See, this is why you should hire Union electricians.

20. To all the asexuals/minimally sexual people/very sexual people/normally sexual people: DISCLOSE HOW MUCH YOU WANT SEX. FIND PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HAVE AS MUCH SEX AS YOU. DATE THEM. BE HAPPY.
    Fuck anyone who tries to deceive people into a relationship. You are assholes. Lying, deceptive assholes. GTFO.

    You know what? I have a type. It’s a rare type. Hot asian b-boys/hip-hop dance instructors. Considerate and intelligence also a must. Do you have ANY idea how rare that is? Especially in a small city? And yet I manage to date without having to lie or deceive people. You have a small dating pool. Suck it the fuck up.

21. But do the NPR-listeners who want permission to cheat on (one infers) boyfriends who aren’t Mr Savage’s type with military-style men who are receive the permission they seek? If they do, I hope that’s not a significant part of the reason why.

    Sorry to be sour about this, but as someone who finds “buff” a distinct turn-off, I admit that my patience thins pretty quickly. There should be a specific example here, but it’s too late to think of an apposite one.

22. What Caralain@20 said, but with less emphasis…

    Nocutename@16: Although I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying, I don’t think that people (and men in particular) are going to hang around long enough to work things out over time. Sadly, I think that you’re giving men too much credit in this regard…or perhaps expecting too much from them. Most men do not have the patience to work through sexual issues of this type/magnitude during the early stages of a relationship.

    Frankly, why would they want to? Because they feel SOOOO connected with the woman? Sorry, that’s not how they’re wired (typical man). I know I sound like a shallow asshole in saying that, but it really is the truth.

    Overgeneralizing here, but women want to have sex with men whom they feel connected to. Men begin to feel connected to women that they have regular sex with. Sick and sad, but true.

23. DRY – end this relationship now or face years of having the same discussion and why you don’t like fucking your boyfriend. We’re 15 years and counting, and even though I said I understood and would live with it, I was wrong. I wasn’t lying–I really thought I could. But when it comes down to it, I’m still hurts every single day that my wife doesn’t want to fuck me. Intellectually, I understand. Emotionally, I’m still hurt.

    There could be something organic, but she doesn’t mind her libido. I don’t want sex outside the relationship: I want her to want me. She hasn’t masturbated in over 5 years. Full disclosure, arms length, and still we talk about it, still my journals are dominated by just how much sex I’m not getting from her and how much I resent it.

    So I have issues. Spare yourself. Run.

24. I think it’s condescending to tell DRY, an adult woman nearly 30, that while she might think she doesn’t like sex, she’s wrong, and if she just could become educated enough to enjoy a “real” orgasm, she’d see how wrong she is.

    This attitude reminds me of the smug men who declare that lesbians “just haven’t met the right man”, or the doctors who assure women not interested in bearing children that someday they’ll change their minds. It’s arrogant to “conclude” that you know more about someone than they know about themselves. I think DRY should be given credit for self-knowledge and given advice accordingly.

25. Anyone thought that maybe, just maybe, she’s really lucky and her boyfriend is asexual/minimally sexual too? She says they’re happy. Maybe she’s wrong, and I know we’ve all experienced and read about situations where one person thinks things are okay when they’re not. But he’s the one talking about long term plans. Maybe he likes things the way they are. She doesn’t mention begging, faking, or making compromises. Maybe they don’t have sex that often and he’s okay with it. Let’s hope so.

26. Boy am I sick of the big fat lie.

    The lie is this: Men want sex, want it all the time. Women don’t really like sex, but do it to please their partners.

    HA! Most of the women I know, (myself included) have healthy, active libidos. Most of those women have higher libidos than their male partners.

    High libido/low libido is not directly related to gender. Period.

    Some people have the drive and the desire, some people do not.

    Yes, sometimes there’s something “wrong” with a person that makes their libido “too high” or “Too low”. Sometimes it is simply how the person is. I’m all for people figuring out the road to orgasm, but I’ve met people (women and men) who know full well what a “real” orgasm is, and are really just not interested in pursuing it very often.

    I applaud Dan’s opinion that people with low sex drives should find other people with low sex drives. If you’re not gunning for sex, there’s nothing wrong with that… unless you present yourself otherwise in order to have a relationship. That’s a bit like hating the taste of alcohol and despising the feeling of being drunk and hanging out in bars to find a partner.

    If your sex drive is low, own up to that and be honest with yourself. If you think maybe there’s a problem, seek counseling or a doctor or both. If it is not a problem, don’t make it someone else’s lifelong problem!!!

27. I am surprised that you never suggest that the asexual writers should have a full hormonal workup before packing it in. After all sex drive is hormone driven, and these things can be treated.

28. @9 either I am totally blind or that sentence is a new addition. interesting.

29. @approaching 40 in LA
    I have a fever, so it gets me all capslocky and means my tolerance for whiny bitches is at an all time low.

30. Re DRY: Are you completely averse to having sex more than once or twice a year, or is it just that you don’t feel horny more often than that? I ask because sex in a committed relationship isn’t just about relieving horniness, it’s about pair bonding and sharing closeness with your partner. Of course you should be honest with him, but don’t write off the relationship just because he might want closeness even when you’re not horny. You might find that the closeness is fulfilling in itself.

    Re KOMS: I’m liberal/open-minded and would be glad to give anyone who is putting his/her life on the line to keep our country safe a great send off! I’m sure there are plenty of others. Don’t give up!

31. @17 EricaP

    “She has had little flutters, that she has called orgasms, but she doesn’t have anything to compare them to.”

    Exactly. I’ve seen this with a couple of women. One of them didn’t have an orgasm until 2 years into the relationship. When she finally did come it was like “Oh yeah, now I see.”

    (BTW are you still checking gmail?)

32. As far as being an asexual goes, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

    She seems to be of a mind that her libido is just fine with her, and her behavior is certainly minimally sexual. So from the perspective of the boyfriend it’s going to become clear that she is asexual when she gets around to cluing him in. (and what’s up with the guy that he doesn’t miss her lack of enthusiasm?! jebus guys, get it together)

    It doesn’t matter if her brain isn’t wired to be asexual. She behaves asexually and she isn’t asking for help to change that.

33. @16: I think there is a difference between not liking sex and being pre- or inorgasmic, and that most women can tell the difference between the two. I’m in my thirties now, but I didn’t have an organism until I was about twenty. That created about four years of sexual space where I had long term partners that were caring, thoughtful, and reasonably skilled, but no orgasms (long story—I didn’t masturbate until my twenties so I didn’t really know *how* to orgasm).

    However, in that protracted period, there was not one single moment I found sex boring. Yes, I knew I was missing out on orgasm. But I was still intensely aroused and physically responsive for all of that time.

34. I was well into my 30’s when I had my first orgasm and realized that I had never had one before. That hadn’t stopped me from being horny or from enjoying sex for the previous 20 years. I get tired of the whole It’s All About The Orgasm thing. I’m not saying I don’t care about orgasms — now that I know what they are — but jeez, enough with the “if you haven’t has an orgasm then you know nothing about your own sexuality” attitude. I’m with Sancho on this one.

    And even if her sex life has been not just non-orgasmic but downright lousy, that’s still not the same thing as only getting horny 2x a year. I seem to remember getting horny quite a lot before I had even had any sex at all. Am I the only one? It’s not just about not knowing what you are missing.

35. ANH should have asked Sparky if his drywall contained any santorum; then, depending on his response, should have either stripped naked or called the cops. Snap!

36. DRY doesn’t seem to want to alter her interest in sex and is already – early in the relationship – pretty contemptuous towards it. It appears that she is having it sometimes because she says she doesn’t like it.

    It’s fairly straightforward for her to determine his level of interest (e.g. how often he initiates, how often he mentions sex). Even if he claims he’s OK with it, but wants it significantly more than her, it will n.o.t. get better (normally gets worse).

    It’s also disingenuous to continue with a long-term relationship on the unverified basis that maybe sex ain’t important.

    As someone who has lived with the pain of mismatch, I beg DRY not to carry on. It’s awful. Disclosure is essential, otherwise DRY deserves all the names under the sun, should be a federal offence.

37. I am about to be a super bitch, and possibly piss people off. Sorry. What Sparky and his so-called “mistress” did is not just creepy–it’s unethical, it’s sexual harassment, and I’m not sure it isn’t illegal. She should not only not hire him ever again, but if I was put into that position, I would inform the better business bureau. Esp. since if the quality of his service really mattered to this probably mythical mistress, the survey could have been worded in such a way that the nature of the relationship was never disclosed. As an active participant in a 24/7 M/s relationship, I’m esp. angered, because I don’t want people like this sexually harassing creeper representing me or my Master.

38. Don’t forget that straight guys are always complaining they can’t get as much NSA sex as they want. Add kink to it, and yes, it’s gonna be more difficult. This is a surprise?

    (I’m also 100% with Dan, what part of foreplay didn’t this guy know about at his age?)

39. Is DRY on hormonal birth control and/or an SSRI? Both of these drugs can, and often do, smother the libido quite effectively.

40. Shouldn’t Dan have asked DRY to seek medical advice? Maybe there’s an underlying health problem here?

41. I’m not going to get in to trying to “fix” DRY’s libido so that it better suits people other than her, but I will also speak up as someone who dearly loves and is wildly attracted to a partner that has, for some time, been experiencing very low interest in sex.

    It is crushing. It is spirit-destroying. No matter how often I try to remind myself that there’s a lot of things it can be, it still just feels like me. Like I’m not attractive. Like he loves me, but I may as well be a close, cuddly friend.

    It feels like something that felt like part of being alive, something vibrant, some intrinsic, life-affirming, joyous part of me is being painfully starved to death.

    There has been more than one night in which I have been awake long into the night, just weeping in pain.

    I’m naturally monogamous. I’m not interested in sleeping with anyone else. But if I’d known way back before we became this couple that this was coming, I can guarantee you it would have caused me to seriously reconsider the relationship, because sex does matter, but more importantly, knowing your sexual self is loved by your partner, that your needs are important to your partner, that your partner finds you as sexually attractive as you find them is crucial.

    I’m not going to fuss too much. My partner has a mixture of illnesses going on and is depressed, and I have all sorts of hope things will get better for us. When he’s well, if it remains like this, we’re going to have a huge problem.

    But it is absolutely devastating to the self-esteem and emotional equilibrium to be in this place, and DRY, if you love this man (heck, even if you don’t and you have one shred of honor), you make sure he understands exactly what your outlook on sex is and how your libido works. He’s not a Ken Doll there to make your Barbie life complete, he’s a human, sexual being.

42. @KOMS: “Foreplay”? Didn’t know about it until 22 (which I take to mean that you though the only form of sexual expression was penis-in-vagina fucking until you were 22)? Yikes…

    The term “foreplay” is generally frowned-upon in inclusive sex-positive discourse these days, as it privileges penis-in-vagina intercourse over all of the other forms of sex (positioning anything that isn’t penis-in-vagina intercourse is positioned as a prelude to the ‘real’ sex). This serves to marginalize people who don’t prefer or ever engage in penis-in-vagina intercourse i.e. those who prefer solo sex; those who have penises or vaginas and prefer sexual partners with penises or vaginas, respectively; those who prefer partners with the sorts of genitals that would make penis-in -vagina sex possible between the pair, but who prefer oral sex or digital stimulation or anal sex or non-penetrative humping or stimulation with (non-human-body-part) objects; etc. That said, I think the term can still be appropriate when discussing sexual activity that is, in the instance being discussed, specifically undertaken with the intent to heighten arousal in order to make penis-in-vagina intercourse more pleasurable or possible.

    I’m not ‘blaming’ you here (you can’t help it if you were never given access to information that presented sex as anything other than penis-in-vagina intercourse, though I would urge everyone interested in sex/sexuality to try to get at least basic information about it, and if you continue to be willfully ignorant of how sex works for a spectrum of people even after someone has told you to get informed, then that is on you; Scarleteen is a great place to start), but your use of the word “foreplay” and your assertion that you didn’t know about it until 22 definitely makes me wonder if there aren’t things other than your impending military tour that are sketching people out/scaring people off. Perhaps you also have an exclusively male-centered or you-centered view of sex (or the remnants of it, after your last GF expanded your view a bit), and that’s coming through (you’re probably not going to have much success looking for NSA sex if you want someone who will let you do whatever you want and be done, without any consideration for her wants/desires; I suggest this as a possibility because, for most women, penis-in-vagina sex is not the most pleasurable or favorite sexual activity, and a view that holds it as the only form of sex ignores female sexuality to a certain degree or even completely). That may not be it, but it’s SOMETHING, probably not your military service (which shouldn’t be an issue for people hooking-up and not looking for any sort of commitment, and is likely just serving as a convenient excuse); you should start looking at other things about you and the profiles you’re posting with a critical eye.

43. You guys may be right about DRY’s lack of orgasm being responsible for her lack of interest, but just for the record, some of us rarely if ever have orgasms and LOVE sex. Sex isn’t just about the end result, it can be tons of fun and feel fantastic just because you’re having sex. Sure it’s a bummer to not be able to have a big finish, but it doesn’t make everyone completely disinterested.

44. Maybe I wasn’t being clear enough and perhaps I was wrong to conflate my historical issues with DRY’s. But if so, that means that others are also wrong to try and interpret her issues based on their own life experiences and viewpoints. All this tells me is that human sexually is very complicated, and perhaps we all (yes, even professional advice-givers like Dan) should have way more info before we start cavalierly telling someone how to solve her problems.

    FWIW, and to add my own story here, I was sexually active and very active, with lots of partners from the age of 19, yet I didn’t experience an orgasm until I was 38. Yes, 38: so when people say things like, “I didn’t become orgasmic until I was 22,” I want to scream. How I wished I could be orgasmic when I was 22. I knew I was missing something, but I didn’t know what it was. I had felt those “flutters” that EricaP mentioned, but no more. And I was interested in sex in the beginning, but as the years went by through my mid 20s to my mid 30s, I have to say that my libido plummeted. This probably had several causes. As echizen_kurage points out, hormonal birth control (and other drugs, such as SSRIs) can affect libido or contribute to difficulty with arousal, and I had been on the pill since I was 19. Marriage and the subsequent dip in sexual interest that occurs for many after several years also probably had something to do with it. But mostly, it was the fact that I’d never even come close to coming that was responsible. From 19-25ish, I’d say I was horny but unfulfilled; from 25ish-35ish, I’d lost interest.

    I had to get a renewed sense of myself as sexual, which started at about 37, after I’d had my second kid (and, btw, was no longer on the pill), to start feeling horny and interested enough to try and address the issue again. I had to discover the right kind of erotica, which I hadn’t seen as a younger woman, and the right kind of vibrator (everyone sings the praises of the Hitachi Magic Wand, but that did nothing for me, as did the little “bullet” vibes, I had assiduously tried in my 20s. Turns out I need more stimulation of my interior clitoral tissue, and a “rabbit”-type vibrator.), before I discovered what all the fuss was about. And then my libido went sky high. For me, anyway, libido or horniness is directly related to expectations of pleasure and satisfaction.

    I don’t presume to tell DRY what her problem is or suggest that all she needs is a good orgasm, or anything else people have attributed to me. I, like the rest of us, have to interpret and to infer from a letter that is limited to what the letter writer actually said; I may be waaaaay off the mark.
    But I don’t think that true asexuality is as common as some people are supposing.

    And I do understand the psychological/sexual/emotional consequences of being married to a spouse that shows little or no interest in you sexually. It is devastating. I just had some questions for DRY. I did forget to mention medication and vibrators.
    Experiment with vibrators, DRY, and see what happens. And marijuana.

    Okay, my 2 cents has turned in $25.

45. @DRY: I used to have absolutely zero interest in sex (except in the honeymoon-phase of a new relationship), even with guys I was attracted to and loved very much.
    Then I discovered my interest in BDSM, and since my current lover and I have started exploring this, I cannot get enough of it! I have turned into a sex-maniac!
    Not saying that the same would happen to you; just something to consider. Best wishes!

46. I’m with RTam @43 — I was one of those non-orgasming people with a high sex drive for many years — in my case, I think the fact that I never orgasmed contributed to my high sex drive.
    I also think like @39 that if she’s on some medications, that could be affecting her desire — and lastly, I want to recommend exercise. If she’s doesn’t work out regularly, she should — my sex drive when I’m working out regularly vs. when I am not is night and day….

47. @44 nocutename

    Congratulations on getting there! Finding what works for you can be difficult, but certainly “a renewed sense of myself as sexual” has got to be a good start. That and the meds issues you had.

48. Sparky’s behavior was COMPLETELY inappropriate, and Dan’s assessment of the situation was right on target – except I don’t think it went far enough. If it were me, I would write a letter to Sparky’s boss/the company he works for including a copy of the letter he gave me and underscoring how very inappropriate it was. I would explain that as someone who engages in kinky activities, I wasn’t completely horrified by the letter, but in the hands of another woman, that letter could generate anything from abject horror to feeling unsafe to feeling violated to having an angry husband attack Sparky to having him or his company get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Such a letter would probably get him fired, which would be a shame, but necessary if he’s doing this kind of thing – hopefully he’d be wise enough not to pull something like that at his next job.

    If Sparky was self-employed, I would send a similar letter to HIM letting him know how utterly inappropriate his actions were, what the potential consequences might be if he ever did anything like that in the future, and advice for the sake of his business and his personal and legal safety, that he NEVER EVER do something like that again (and that he insist that his mistress not instruct him to do things that A. could harm his business and livlihood and B. make uninvolved/unsuspecting people unwilling participants in their sex games).

    -BadKitty

49. Sparky’s behavior was COMPLETELY inappropriate, and Dan’s assessment of the situation was right on target – except I don’t think it went far enough. If it were me, I would write a letter to Sparky’s boss/the company he works for including a copy of the letter he gave me and underscoring how very inappropriate it was. I would explain that as someone who engages in kinky activities, I wasn’t completely horrified by the letter, but in the hands of another woman, that letter could generate anything from abject horror to feeling unsafe to feeling violated to having an angry husband attack Sparky to having him or his company get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Such a letter would probably get him fired, which would be a shame, but necessary if he’s doing this kind of thing – hopefully he’d be wise enough not to pull something like that at his next job.

    If Sparky was self-employed, I would send a similar letter to HIM letting him know how utterly inappropriate his actions were, what the potential consequences might be if he ever did anything like that in the future, and advice for the sake of his business and his personal and legal safety, that he NEVER EVER do something like that again (and that he insist that his mistress not instruct him to do things that A. could harm his business and livlihood and B. make uninvolved/unsuspecting people unwilling participants in their sex games).

    -BadKitty

50. I’m not saying that DRY needs to learn to orgasm. Maybe she already has fantastic orgasms twice a year and that’s all she wants. But that’s not in the letter, so I wanted to raise the idea that maybe her sex life could get better and then she might like it more. Since that was me. (Though at 20, not 30.)

    If she were giving up on life we would recommend she get help. I think it’s reasonable to urge her to get help before giving up on her sex life. If she has already done a lot of exploring, that’s fine, but it’s not in the letter. The letter does mention that she has had several “uncaring” boyfriends before; if she has been abused that could also turn her off from sex in ways which might be reversible.

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