I am a straight, crossdressing
male into bondage. That’s NOT my problem. Recently, I began
seeing a professional Dominatrix for forced crossdressing, among other
things. She was great, but our last session ended abruptly when She
told me that She wanted to start dildo training me. I was all for it,
but I asked Her, politely, if She could use my dildo. In no uncertain
terms, She said no.
I then asked, politely, if She would wash
Her dildo in bleach in front of me so that I would know it was clean.
She ended the session right then and there, and She told me not to
contact Her again.
Was I out of line? I signed a “contract”
with Her that said I would not “top from the bottom,” but She has
several other slaves who She probably uses that dildo on and I just
wanted to know for sure that the dido was clean. I know I won’t be
seeing Her again, but it would be nice to know if you thought I was out
of line. She reads your column.
Superior Her Ends Edgy Session Hastily
Why did this woman tell you to gather your
panties and go?
That’s hard for me to say, SHEESH, as I’m
not a mind reader. But I see two possible explanations: One, she is
unwilling to pause, step out of her role, and renegotiate a scene
that’s already underway, in which case you are well rid of her. Or,
two, you’re an insufferable controlling twat, and you managed to annoy
the fuck out of her and she kicked your ass to the curb.
I might be inclined to give you the benefit
of the doubt and declare you the wronged party here, SHEESH, but your
having carried this dispute into a column that you know she reads tips
me over to her side. By writing to me, you’re not just seeking the last
word, SHEESH, but hoping to have the satisfaction of seeing this woman
dressed down in public. So while you were careful to submissively
capitalize all those third-person pronouns—as if She Herself were
God Himself—your letter leads me to believe that in person, as in
print, you’re a disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative piece of
shit.
I’m having an interesting
dilemma.
I’m a 20-year-old female and a junior in
college. For the past few years, I’ve been working on becoming a
journalist. But I’ve found myself less and less interested (and
passionate) about it as time goes on. And I think I’d rather be a
fetish model.
For the past year, I’ve been a submissive in
a D/s relationship with my boyfriend. I love him VERY much, and he is
more respectful toward me than any other man I’ve been with. Lately,
we’ve been toying with the idea of creating a fetish-modeling website.
I do not want to be shot nude or have sex on camera, but I LOVE the
idea of bondage photos and pursuing this as a career, and so does
he.
From the photos I’ve done so far, I’m pretty
sure this could pay off AND be more personally satisfying than a job at
a newspaper. But I’m nervous about what my family and friends will say
when they realize I’m never going to write for the Washington Post or
the New York Times.
Kinky Coed
Journalism or fetish modeling, journalism or
fetish modeling—gee, which career is right for you?
Um, KC? If you bothered to read either of
the newspapers you cite as possible future places of employment, you
would know that times are tough at daily newspapers. The internet ate
their business model—so long, lucrative classified ads! hello
“citizen journalists”!—and right now, it’s all layoffs and
buyouts all the time at daily and weekly newspapers. If you care
so little about journalism that you’re tempted to make a career of
posting bondage pictures to a website instead, KC, then don’t go into
journalism. Leave the few jobs that remain at newspapers to people who
have some passion for the field.
So it’s fetish modeling for you, right? Not
so fast, kinkster. Porn companies, large and small, are experiencing
similar financial difficulties. Just as many people are willing to
write for free online, many millions of people are willing to post
everything from “tasteful” fetish shots to hardcore porn online for
free. So while there may be a handful of people out there who’ll pay to
see you tied up, you’re probably not going to make enough money as a
fetish model to support yourself.
So you might want to think of some other
line of work, something with more job security and better long-term
prospects—perhaps banking or real estate?
I have a bigot in the family.
My brother’s mother-in-law is scared this country is “on its way” to
legalizing same-sex marriage, which is “against what her Bible tells
[her].” Debating the issue with her is no use, because it always comes
back to her religious beliefs. She doesn’t dislike gays, and she’s said
that if gay marriage becomes legal she’ll help me find a husband.
Outside of the marriage issue, she shows no
prejudice. As a gay man, I find her views on marriage reprehensible,
but I’m conflicted about how to deal with her in the future. I see her
half a dozen times each year on holidays, the same time I typically see
my nieces and nephews. I don’t want her bigotry to impose on my right
and desire to spend time with these kids as their uncle. On the other
hand, I can’t just sit there and be quiet.
Battling Bigots In Brooklyn
Anyone looking for proof that the United
States is “on its way toward legalizing same-sex marriage,” despite
recent setbacks, only has to look to the numbers of people—gay
and straight—who poured into streets over the last two weeks to
protest the bigotry of the Mormon Church and its assault on minority
rights and individual liberty. (Oh, Canada: While we scream and yell
about being the land of the free, you quietly live it. I love how my
boyfriend magically becomes my husband when we visit Canada, without
anyone else’s marriage being threatened. Here’s hoping that one day
soon the United States will recognize the legal marriages of all
Canadian citizens, gay and straight.)
Okay, BBIB, my favorite sign at the protest
I attended in New York City last week—well, after “Jesus Had Two
Daddies,” “Use Your Magic (Underpants) for Good, Not Evil,” and “Thou
Shalt Not Fuck with Us”—was this: “No More Mr. Nice Gay.” If
anyone caught me on Anderson Cooper 360º later that same
night, you saw me refusing to play Mr. Nice Gay in a conversation with
lying right-wing überbigot Tony Perkins. (Looking to get involved
in the fight? Jointheimpact.com is a good place to start.)
But while I’m down with the whole no more
Mr. Nice Gay thing, BBIB, I see no need to go postal on your brother’s
MIL. She’s not Tony Perkins; she’s a human being. And it sounds like
her affection for you is already on a collision course with her
bigotry. Stand firm, continually emphasize that there’s a difference
between civil marriage rights and religious marriage rites. Polls show
that many Americans have already come around on this issue. Thanks to
the work you’ve already done, BBIB, it sounds like your brother’s MIL
will be next.
Dan Savage says “twat” like it’s a bad thing.
Dan I saw you on Tony Perkins.You were so angry that you came across as very childish, more so even than Perkins. You’re not going to win the debate by being pissy. Your impatience with that bigot reduced you to an ineffective advocate. Do better next time.
Dan,
I am beginning to worry about your readership. Perhaps ironic sarcasm is beyond the grasp of some. I thought you response to SHEESH was funny and appropriate, you nagging witty faggot. Now get back to work before I have to come over there and punish you for being a bad bad boy.
In the Anderson Cooper interview, Tony Perkins mentioned some BS about comparing the banning of same sex marriage to not being able to “marry a close blood relative”. I would just like to point out that marrying first cousins, along with other kinds of cousins, is legal in the majority of our states. http://marriage.about.com/cs/marriagelic…
I’m fairly certain that Dan wasn’t objecting to SHEESH’s original request for a clean dildo as much as he was objecting to the letter.
SHEESH knows that he’s right about this request, but all he really wants to do is publicly humiliate the woman who he knows reads Dan’s column. That’s the disrespectful, etc. piece of shit part.
How can Mormon families afford to donate? They have so many kids and refuse to let Mom work, so Dad has to work three jobs just to feed and clothe everybody.
The “Church” as an entity is probably officially staying out of it, but I can bet there were several talks at meetings emphasizing the importance of ‘traditional’ marriage.
When Her Dildo Highness refuses a reasonable request for proper hygiene in a situation where the lack of it could kill the sub — that’s past kink and into criminal culpability. And there’s no way he could trust her not to use a dirty implement when he’s in role, so he’s better off without her.
Fuckin’ christ, did anyone bother to look up whether or not bleach kills hepatitis OR HIV? ‘Cause the only thing that is certain to kill both is an autoclave. Bleach used to be certain to kill all diseases, which is why drug treatment clinics used to tell addicts to wash their syringes in a bleach solution, however, this practice isn’t used as often. Bleach often doesn’t kill hepatitis or the relatively fragile AIDS virus. (I’m getting this from the BME wiki, http://wiki.bmezine.com/index.php/Steril…)
“SHEESH knows that he’s right about this request, but all he really wants to do is publicly humiliate the woman who he knows reads Dan’s column. That’s the disrespectful, etc. piece of shit part.”
Alex, how can she be “publicly” humiliated if no one but she knows who she is? It’s not like her name or photo was in the column. (And in any event, Dan’s the one who chose to publish the letter instead of answering the guy privately.) What she’d get is a heads up from Dan saying “Yo Dom, whatever role you’re playing, it’s always OK to demand safe sex.” And that’s what she should have received.
Here’s a tale of another manipulative piece of shit:
“So in the middle of fucking this girl I decided to take the condom off and shove my cock up her ass. And she was like, ‘No, put the condom back on.’ And I was like, ‘Fuck you bitch, this was a foreseeable circumstance. I’m insulted that you would think I would put your safety at risk by not making sure I was disease free before I decided to stick my cock in your pooper.’ And she was like, ‘Well, I really like you, but I don’t want to put my safety at risk.’ So I kicked the bitch out of my apartment, but not before stealing her credit card number and using it to rack up a $40,000 bill. Serves her right, trying to top from the bottom.”
I think the Domme’s problem is SHEESH was unwilling to trust her. If you don’t trust your domme to use a clean dildo on you maybe you’re not a good match.
To BBIB: Watch the documentary “For the Bible Tells Me So,” either by yourself or with your brother’s mother-in-law. It shows how you can be a devout Christian without believing that the Bible condemns homosexual relationships. Share the film’s arguments and information with your relative, but don’t expect too much of her.
I agree with Dan, SHEESH was being a miserable little dick. The dom was pissed that he didnt trust her, and if he doesnt trust her, they are not a good match. She saved herself many future headaches, and possibly lawsuits from the little bastard.
Her business will be short lived if she doesnt wash toys, a great argument for letting karma take its course instead of being a sniveling, passive-aggressive piece of shit. Kudos, Dan.
Hey Dan,
Love your articles. I wish you’d rethink boycotting Utah, What Utah needs is a huge influx of politically motivated gay people to help those of us who live here. Salt Lake is full of gay people who have very few rights. Come to Utah and help us fight for our rights. The Mormon church will notice MUCH more if you come and help. Martin Luthor King didn’t boycott Alabama, he brought the fight to the source. Don’t punnish all of Utah for what the Mormons did, we’re only 63% Mormon. Gay Utahns need your help, not your boycott.
Come to Utah to Fight for Gay Rights!
http://apps.facebook.com/causes/158670?m…
Dan’s coming to a symposium at the University of Iowa, hooray!!!
I don’t see how BIBB’s relative is a bigot. Her only objection to homosexual marriage stems from her faith, not from personal intolerance. If it becomes legal, she will help BIBB find a husband- how could you then label her as intolerant? She not only tolerates but embraces the openly homosexual men she knows. Most fundamental Christians interpret the Bible as anti-homosexual unions; are they supposed to stop being Christian because they’re uncomfortable with one tenet? Or are they supposed to keep their faith, but only espouse the pieces they feel comfortable with?
I wonder why the dom didn’t just pull out every dildo in the house and MAKE the sub wash each and every one in bleach. And then wash them again after use. And so on and so on.
SHEESH, isn’t that what doms do?
Just another example of a crap domme. Being a good domme is not as simple as the sub simply doing what they say. A good domme understands the needs of the sub and reassures them whilst still maintaining dominance.
If the sub says something inappropriate it’s important that they understand why it’s inappropriate but that their fears are allayed nontheless.
The price of someone submitting to you is that you take care of their needs and leave them in a better state than they were. If you fail to do that, you are a crap domme.
Re: SHEESH. I think we all forget that Dan edits emails that he prints. Maybe he removed names/details to protect the depraved/not so depraved? (I am using “depraved” in the sex poz sense.) Not that it would change the advice he dispensed, but it could change our perception of the emailer and his beef. Maybe Dan removed more passive-aggression??
pg,
You need to reread Section 501(c)(3):
“no substantial part of the activities of which is carrying on propaganda, or otherwise attempting, to influence legislation”
and IRS Publication 1828 Page 5:
In general, no organization, including a church, may qualify for IRC section 501(c)(3) status if a substantial part of its activities is attempting to influence legislation (commonly known as lobbying).
Regarding the Dominatrix and the commenters implying SHEESH was in the right, I don’t know any sex worker of any kind that doesn’t clean their tools. Perhaps it was beyond the “topping from the bottom” situation. He disrespected his top by suggesting she’s sloppy and doesn’t clean her things after each session, which I doubt is the case if she is in fact a professional. And it was further rude of SHEESH to write about it.
Another dissent on the crossdresser in question- yes, he might be overreaching by requesting that she clean it *in front* of him, her reaction seems way more the red flag than his. The fact that she’s being so rigid about him setting reasonable conditions around an activity that *she* suggested strikes me as odd behavior for a professional- she’s the dom but he’s still the client.
I know all the “Her” and “She” capitalization is an annoying habit of many submissives, but it doesn’t invalidate the entire story. The favorable ratio Pro Dommes enjoy makes it all too easy for them to extend their bitchy persona from roleplay (where it belongs) to negotiation, which should be done in a professional manor. Just because she can get away with it doesn’t mean she should.
But I agree that he shouldn’t try to dress her down in your column. That’s what review sites are for.
Dan once-again, seems to have caught on *brilliantly* to the subtext in SHEESH – and well, SHEESH may well be as manipulative as the post, and Dan’s call out, implied.
But Dan, you fumbled the catch.
You might have caught the subtext, but many of your readers/new players won’t have – and therefore won’t understand why you disagreed, when it *is* a perfectly reasonable request to ask to use your own dildo, or a clean dildo, in dildo play. It was the subtext that was the callout (and old-player info, like – bleach maybe being bad for silicone toys, that as a Dominatrix, she was offended that a Sub wouldn’t trust her to properly sterilise a dildo – if he doesn’t trust her, he shouldn’t be subbing for that sort of thing).
Here’s hoping you clarify in the next column.
Dan, you were too rough on SHEESH. His request was reasonable. Even if he’s a total jerk the rest of the time, and that’s why his domme banished him from her client list, the issue he’s writing in about seems pretty straightforward.
Right on, Elysum. I think Dan got caught up in his Incredible Power to Spot Subtext & ignored what was in front of him: A chance to educate about dildo play, about dom/sub roles, and the proper etiquette of both. Instead, he spent all his time looking under the hood instead of changing the damn tire already.
Yes, we can argue about his attitude, intentions, etc, but the REAL obvious issue is simple sex etiquette, which Dan ignored.
If two gay men were sharing a dildo without a good cleaning inbetween I think you would be singing a different tune. Your advise in this case is dangerous. I commend the bottom guy for looking out for his own health. No one else seems concerned.
The mormons are all about the cash! Go forth and make as many babies as possible…one woman, two, three, 10, it doesn’t matter. It is all about the tithing! That is where their opposition kicks in; less homo kids, less tithings. Pretty much the same for all churches. Sad to say. The more kids, the more money in the collection plates, the more BILLIONS of dollars in the bank. Billions. Magic underpants along with the Jesus is an alien thing has somehow taken hold. All from their twisted scripture. AND yes, they are rich.
Your indication that the sub in the first letter is anything other than completely within reason to request (and expect complete compliance with the request) that any toys used internally be disease free is completely out of bounds, Dan.
A PROFESSIONAL Dom shouldn’t have to be asked, and frankly he’s well rid of her if she’s unwilling to do a small thing like protecting someone’s LIFE… you know, in order to keep her customers? Usually you’re right on, but not this time.
What self-respecting sex worker would refuse a request to make sure a dildo is clean?
MY EX!
SHEESH should have discussed the issue politely with his domme outside of any scening, expressed use of a dildo used by others as a hard limit, and negotiated.
No domme wants the sub telling them what to do. It kinda blows the whole point of the deal. But any responsible domme should in fact respect the hard limits of their subs.
Personally, as a sub, I’d have requested that the domme select the size, shape, brand etc. that she wanted to use, and allow the sub to pay for a pristine one that would be used only on that sub. That’s not an unreasonable request, it leaves control and the decision-making with the domme.
But of course, we don’t know the whole story here. Maybe the domme wanted to use some reasonable-sized dildo and the sub (like many guys who think they want to be pegged) had eyes bigger than his arsehole and wanted to get the model bigger around than a Coke can and longer than the average arm, and tried to push the issue under the guise of “one sub, one dildo”.
And there may very well have been a whole slew of other issues that meant these two were not a good D/s match, the domme realized it, and kicked SHEESH to the curb.
Add me to team “You were an unreasonable dick to SHEESH.” He had the right to request a clean instrument, she had a responsibility to see that he got one. End of story. If she had the spur of the moment great idea to tell him she’d be penetrating him with something he hadn’t seen new and in the package, then she should have damn well had the spur of the moment creativity to make HIM wash it in front of HER.
I’ve been reading your column religiously (no pun intended) since I was a teenager, and tell people you’re not just a shock-jock ass who likes to say inflammatory and explosive things because you like the sound of your own voice and enjoy telling people off. Please don’t make me wrong.
The SHEESH thing is a little more complex than Dan or the people slagging Dan’s response give it credit for, IMO.
Things like safety precautions (and dildo training!) should be negotiated before a scene. It is BOTH the Domme and the sub’s responsibilities to make sure that that happens. It’s bad form for a Domme to introduce something that hasn’t been negotiated – but it’s also bad form for a sub to make a demand that’s as complex as “wash the dildo in bleach in front of me” when a simple “Would Mistress consider putting a condom over the dildo?” would probably suffice – chances are that was the plan anyway – NO sex worker I know would fuck someone with an unprotected/unclean dildo, and they’d probably be equally insulted by the assumption that they would.
The dynamics of a Pro scene are different from the dynamics of a couple practicing BDSM in the context of a relationship, because in this case the Domme is HIRED by the sub. It can be a tricky thing to navigate, given the nature of the services the Domme is being paid for, but they are still being paid. If the Domme in question doesn’t want to be patient with the safety concerns of her subs, perhaps she should not Domme for money with multiple clients. And if SHEESH wants to be able to make complex and difficult requests of his Domme, perhaps he should find a nice kinky girl who is willing to tolerate breaking in the middle of a scene for negotiations and date her.
In short, it sounds like they are BOTH well rid of each other. What a pair.
Oh, and FYI, most high-quality dildos are made of non-porous materials such as silicone. Non-porous materials don’t need to be cleaned with bleach to be sterilized, as they don’t absorb bacteria. Simply washing them with, say, dishsoap and hot water will do the trick.
Job security in real estate is questionable, but I see your point.
shouldn’t that be part of the pre-scene discussion about safety. There was an episode of CSI this season where they tracked down participants thru saliva left on equipment left in a special customers only room in a club. I thought that there should have been clean up between parties
Thanks, Laura! Good response.
This was the correct response to SHEESH, not Dan’s little hissy-fit. As I wrote above, he should have gone into detail as to the proper etiquette, which you did a very good job on. Dan owes you 1/3 of the income he got from this article.
I could see how Ms Dom would have been offended by her sub telling her to do the dishes. Too bad she did not think to tell him to do the cleaning him self. Perhaps gagged and while being whipped would have made everyone happy.
As a former Pro-Domme, I have to disagree with you Dan on your advice to SHEESH.
The Domme in question was way out of line, regardless of how whiny, manipulative or topping-from-the-bottom this guy may have been. Emphasis on ‘may’.
SHEESH had the right and the obligation to protect his health from a potentially contaminated sex toy. The Domme had a moral and professional obligation to protect him as well.
It’s entirely possible SHEESH is feeling emotionally battered in a no-fun kinda way. Perhaps he simply needed some validation that he was right to take a stand.
And it wouldn’t hurt to have this ‘professional’ Domme put on notice that a respected sex educator such as yourself is appalled by her actions.
If you’re “straight” then Saddam Hussein was the milk man. You are a faggot, whether the cock be real or rubber. Why don’t you get a life? Go be queer somewhere and stop this absurd bullshit with strangers. Personally I think folks like you are why aliens from outer space have pretty much 86’d earth.
Dan–If SHEESH hadn’t framed his question that way–If he’d simply asked whether it was out of line to ask a partner of any type to make sure her toys were clean, you’d have agreed he was well within his rights.
I’m sure of it, and I’m fairly sure you are too.
Any truly professional DOM would have shown her sub a dildo with a condom over it, and then punished him for his impudence in assuming she did not know enough to do so.
Dan-
I just watched the clip of you on AC360 w/ that douchbag. I just wanted to let you know that you’re so well spoken and you’re a such a great mouthpiece for this issue. I stand behind you 100%!
-Shaunna
Frankly I dont care if John and Bill get maried or not, it dosnt affect me one bit do I care no, do I want to care about someone else’s lover or boyfriend, no. But what does bother me is that anything not considered progresive or doesnt fall in with the far left train of thought is called bigotry. So what would you say to a trangendered lesbian who dosnt support gay marriage and has been with the same woman for well over ten years, I know one and we have talked about this many times. Frankly to me you are the bigot, you want every one to hear you roar, you want every one to bow down to you and kiss the ground you walk on and you will slander someone in a heart beat as well as scream “We must have tolerance, we must have tolerance”, but you dont show any tolerance, nor compasion, all that you show is that you are acting like the sixteen year old brat that did not get her baby pink Mercedes SUV and comences to throw a temper tantrum because moma and popa got her a dark pink one instead. The last time I looked this was America and every one was free to think what they wanted and not have to worry about being crucified for it wheather we agree with it or not. I have several gay friends myself, and I am even considering the transgender life style but will I ever support gay marriage, no I will not.
MIL should keep his big mouth shut. One’s own mother in law hardly counts as a family member, and the mother in law of a brother certainly does not count as the kind of close family member who one is ethically obliged to engage in personal debate. It is not easy to host multiple family members for the holidays, and he should remember that his brother and sister in law should not be punished for taking pains to include him as well as her mother. It is possible that her mother will be the family member “dumped” if this turns into a nasty fight, but it will more likely be him. After all, he’s the one who wouldn’t leave the issue alone, characterized the other party as a ‘bigot’ and aired the issue in a publication.
LOL at “She’s not Tony Perkins; she’s a human being.” THIS is why I love your column, Dan!!!