I am a straight, crossdressing
male into bondage. That’s NOT my problem. Recently, I began
seeing a professional Dominatrix for forced crossdressing, among other
things. She was great, but our last session ended abruptly when She
told me that She wanted to start dildo training me. I was all for it,
but I asked Her, politely, if She could use my dildo. In no uncertain
terms, She said no.
I then asked, politely, if She would wash
Her dildo in bleach in front of me so that I would know it was clean.
She ended the session right then and there, and She told me not to
contact Her again.
Was I out of line? I signed a “contract”
with Her that said I would not “top from the bottom,” but She has
several other slaves who She probably uses that dildo on and I just
wanted to know for sure that the dido was clean. I know I won’t be
seeing Her again, but it would be nice to know if you thought I was out
of line. She reads your column.
Superior Her Ends Edgy Session Hastily
Why did this woman tell you to gather your
panties and go?
That’s hard for me to say, SHEESH, as I’m
not a mind reader. But I see two possible explanations: One, she is
unwilling to pause, step out of her role, and renegotiate a scene
that’s already underway, in which case you are well rid of her. Or,
two, you’re an insufferable controlling twat, and you managed to annoy
the fuck out of her and she kicked your ass to the curb.
I might be inclined to give you the benefit
of the doubt and declare you the wronged party here, SHEESH, but your
having carried this dispute into a column that you know she reads tips
me over to her side. By writing to me, you’re not just seeking the last
word, SHEESH, but hoping to have the satisfaction of seeing this woman
dressed down in public. So while you were careful to submissively
capitalize all those third-person pronouns—as if She Herself were
God Himself—your letter leads me to believe that in person, as in
print, you’re a disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative piece of
shit.
I’m having an interesting
dilemma.
I’m a 20-year-old female and a junior in
college. For the past few years, I’ve been working on becoming a
journalist. But I’ve found myself less and less interested (and
passionate) about it as time goes on. And I think I’d rather be a
fetish model.
For the past year, I’ve been a submissive in
a D/s relationship with my boyfriend. I love him VERY much, and he is
more respectful toward me than any other man I’ve been with. Lately,
we’ve been toying with the idea of creating a fetish-modeling website.
I do not want to be shot nude or have sex on camera, but I LOVE the
idea of bondage photos and pursuing this as a career, and so does
he.
From the photos I’ve done so far, I’m pretty
sure this could pay off AND be more personally satisfying than a job at
a newspaper. But I’m nervous about what my family and friends will say
when they realize I’m never going to write for the Washington Post or
the New York Times.
Kinky Coed
Journalism or fetish modeling, journalism or
fetish modeling—gee, which career is right for you?
Um, KC? If you bothered to read either of
the newspapers you cite as possible future places of employment, you
would know that times are tough at daily newspapers. The internet ate
their business model—so long, lucrative classified ads! hello
“citizen journalists”!—and right now, it’s all layoffs and
buyouts all the time at daily and weekly newspapers. If you care
so little about journalism that you’re tempted to make a career of
posting bondage pictures to a website instead, KC, then don’t go into
journalism. Leave the few jobs that remain at newspapers to people who
have some passion for the field.
So it’s fetish modeling for you, right? Not
so fast, kinkster. Porn companies, large and small, are experiencing
similar financial difficulties. Just as many people are willing to
write for free online, many millions of people are willing to post
everything from “tasteful” fetish shots to hardcore porn online for
free. So while there may be a handful of people out there who’ll pay to
see you tied up, you’re probably not going to make enough money as a
fetish model to support yourself.
So you might want to think of some other
line of work, something with more job security and better long-term
prospects—perhaps banking or real estate?
I have a bigot in the family.
My brother’s mother-in-law is scared this country is “on its way” to
legalizing same-sex marriage, which is “against what her Bible tells
[her].” Debating the issue with her is no use, because it always comes
back to her religious beliefs. She doesn’t dislike gays, and she’s said
that if gay marriage becomes legal she’ll help me find a husband.
Outside of the marriage issue, she shows no
prejudice. As a gay man, I find her views on marriage reprehensible,
but I’m conflicted about how to deal with her in the future. I see her
half a dozen times each year on holidays, the same time I typically see
my nieces and nephews. I don’t want her bigotry to impose on my right
and desire to spend time with these kids as their uncle. On the other
hand, I can’t just sit there and be quiet.
Battling Bigots In Brooklyn
Anyone looking for proof that the United
States is “on its way toward legalizing same-sex marriage,” despite
recent setbacks, only has to look to the numbers of people—gay
and straight—who poured into streets over the last two weeks to
protest the bigotry of the Mormon Church and its assault on minority
rights and individual liberty. (Oh, Canada: While we scream and yell
about being the land of the free, you quietly live it. I love how my
boyfriend magically becomes my husband when we visit Canada, without
anyone else’s marriage being threatened. Here’s hoping that one day
soon the United States will recognize the legal marriages of all
Canadian citizens, gay and straight.)
Okay, BBIB, my favorite sign at the protest
I attended in New York City last week—well, after “Jesus Had Two
Daddies,” “Use Your Magic (Underpants) for Good, Not Evil,” and “Thou
Shalt Not Fuck with Us”—was this: “No More Mr. Nice Gay.” If
anyone caught me on Anderson Cooper 360º later that same
night, you saw me refusing to play Mr. Nice Gay in a conversation with
lying right-wing überbigot Tony Perkins. (Looking to get involved
in the fight? Jointheimpact.com is a good place to start.)
But while I’m down with the whole no more
Mr. Nice Gay thing, BBIB, I see no need to go postal on your brother’s
MIL. She’s not Tony Perkins; she’s a human being. And it sounds like
her affection for you is already on a collision course with her
bigotry. Stand firm, continually emphasize that there’s a difference
between civil marriage rights and religious marriage rites. Polls show
that many Americans have already come around on this issue. Thanks to
the work you’ve already done, BBIB, it sounds like your brother’s MIL
will be next.
I have to agree you were too harsh on SHEESH there. This woman sounds like a control freak on a power trip pretending to be a pro dom to me.
The “topping from the bottom” problem is when subs are nitpicky and try to direct all the action (“I like the rope around my wrists five times, not four”). Asking for basic assurance of personal health and safety is not the same as that, and if people start calling it “topping from the bottom,” you might as well throw out all guidelines around BDSM, since it’s supposed to be SAFE.
The guy sounds like he’s pissed that she overreacted and he’s kinda passively-aggressively trying to get back at her. That seems like his only problem, not that he was being unreasonable with his request. I can’t blame him though, I’d want to do the same thing.
I come from the Bitchy Jones school of BDSM though, so I’d rather everyone wash their hands of it. Feminization and Very Important Capitalized Pronouns, ugh.
I love your column Dan and 99% of the time I agree on your views/responses to your letters, but the one to SHEESH was outta line for sure. This Pro Domme refused to give her sub the piece of mind of washing the dildo in front of him? Then I think she’s the “disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative piece of shit”. Yes, there are rules in a ‘scene’ and topping from the bottom isn’t something most Dom/Dommes take, but this isn’t like the sub intentionally acting bratty so they’ll get their desired spanking, this is real life concerning safety and cleanliness. Any responsible Dom/Domme, pro or otherwise, would not refuse this request from a sub. I can understand not wanting to use his dildo, but hers (could be a control thing among other things) but he was being responsible and safe himself in asking if she would clean it in front of him. Ironically, I have an inkling that if he didn’t and she made him take one of her dildoes up his ass without a second thought of cleanliness, you’d come down on him as well. Maybe, just maybe, I can see another side to this: maybe she thought he didn’t trust her and she was mad or disappointed or offended by that. But it certainly doesn’t give her reason to act that way. Dom/sub play is a control thing yes, but real life also exists, and it needs to be acknowledged now and then. So SHEESH I think you did the right thing in your request to her; and I think she herself needs to step out of her heeled boots once in a while to do a reality check…
And in case you think SHEESH the sub was being nit-picky: HepC can live for up to 6 months in dried blood.
I have been thinking about this for a day now and just getting angrier. Dan’s bitch slap can only have had the rotten effect of making subs, already fairly vulnerable, reluctant to raise legitimate concerns about safety.
Favorite sign from the L.A. protests on Prop 8 was:
“When do I get to vote on YOUR marriage?”
I am a Professional dominatrix and I believe that SHEESH is a “do me bottom!”
I can’t speak for every Domme out there, but *I* would never use an uncovered toy on a sub/client.
I don’t know why he didn’t just ASK the Domme what happened! She was likely planning to cover it and got annoyed by him “questioning” her judgment!
The whole idea of submitting is to do as the Mistress says, if you do not want to go there, just say so.
Since you didn’t respect the Domina’s wishes, it sounds like you deserved what you got, SHEESH!
Hey, any of y’all figure that SHEESH’s domme might have have felt insulted that SHEESH thought she would be so unprofessional not to take proper care of her tools? Also, in no place does SHEESH state that said dildo appeared, she said dildo training was on the agenda.
Hey people! It wasn’t just Mormons in California! Mormons from all over the country gave money to support bigotry in CA. Check it out: http://www.sfgate.com/webdb/prop8/
DEAR DAN SAVAGE!! ON GAY MARRIAGE!! FIRST I DON’T AGREE WITH IT!!! BUT WHAT PISS’S ME OFF IS THE COMMON SENSE OF NO GOVERNMENT ARGUEMENT FROM THE GAY PEOPLE ON TALK SHOWS OF HOW JUSTICE IS SUPPOSE TO BE BLIND??????? ASK YOURSELF WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!! CAN A WOMEN VOTE?? WHY?? CAN A BLACK MAN VOTE?? WHY?? CAUSE IN THE UNITED STATES IT CAME TO TERMS WITH ITS SELF THE ALL MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL??? WHEN YOU GO BEFORE THE JUDGE HE CAN NOT SAY YOU ARE MALE OR FEMALE BLACK OR WHITE ONLY JOE CITIZEN!! THATS RIGHT YOUR A U.S. CITIZEN!! AS A CITIZEN YOU ARE ABLE TO GO TO A GOVERNMENT OFFICE AND GET A MARRIAGE LICENSE AND THAT CAN’T ASK IF YOUR MAN OR WOMEN BLACK OR WHITE GAY OR WHATEVER!! ITS THIER JOB TO BE AS JUSTICE IS BLIND TO HAND JOE CITIZEN THEIR LICENSE FOR BUILDING PERMIT OR MARRIAGE PERMIT!!! IN THEIR EYES ITS ONLY A GOVERNMENT FUNCTION AS THEIR JOB!! ONE MORE THING BEFORE I GO!! WHEN YOU GO BACK ON REAL TIME I WANT YOU TO ALSO EXPRESS THAT DEMOCRATS DON’T HAVE TO BE FOR ABORTION!!! ALL THEY HAVE TO SAY IS I DON’T LIKE ABORTION!! BUT AS THE BUSH’S SAID AS REPUBLI=CONS SAY WHEN THEY HAVE FAMILY MATTER’S ITS FUCKING A PRIVATE MATTER BETWEEN THE HUSBAND WIFE AND THEIR DOCTOR!!!!!! THE REPUBLI=CON PEOPLE ARE LIKE SOAP OPERA MOMMA’S THEY WANT THEIR NOSE IN PEOPLE’S PRIVATE LIVE’S AND WHEN YOU GO ON REAL TIME AGAIN YOU NEED TO PUSH THAT MESSAGE!!! ITS PRIVATE PRIVATE PRIVATE!!! BUT JUST LIKE IN BILL CLINTON THAT CAN’T HELP THEMSELVE’S THEY ARE SOAP OPERA MOMMA’S SORRY FOR ANY SPELLING ERROR’S OR THE GRAMMER BUT I WORK OFF COMMOM SENSE NOT OVER EDUCATED
The problem with SHEESH is that he assumed that his Mistress was so stupid that She wouldn’t know to clean a dildo before using it again. THAT is why the session was stopped. That is the epitome of ‘topping from the bottom’.
Hands up, everyone, who routinely ignores posters who use all caps?
Let us say you are right, Dan, and that SHEESH is “an insufferable controlling twat,” and “managed to annoy the fuck out of her”.
SO WHAT? This is why he is PAYING her for her time! Sure she has the right to terminate the contract, but he also has the right to demand a clean dildo. This isn’t a lovey-dovey snuggle-fest. He is not her boyfriend. We are talking about a business arrangement. If she isn’t able to accept that the people who need to pay for sex generally have issues, then maybe she is in the wrong business.
And before someone jumps on me for generalizing about people who pay for sex: nothing personal, we all have issues. If you are paying for sex, odds are your issues have to do with sex. That’s all.
@prof domme, Dan, thread:
I thought sub/dom was supposed to be a trusting relationship, with the sub’s safety and security in mind?
no one should have to apologize for protecting themselves against possible FUCKING STDs on a dildo that could have been up some stranger’s ass. no matter what the “scene”. when health comes into play, everything should stop.
Whether she’s pro or whatever, if their relationship was all it’s cracked up to be, she should have been willing and caring enough to give that peace-of-mind to SHEESH, and then promptly returned to abusing him and treating him like shit or whatever else it was he got off on.
Dan, is there something else in the letter you’re not sharing with us that caused you to respond so harshly?
also, maybe he wrote you to get some advice so he would know what to expect from the next Dom he subs with? not necessarily a passive-aggressive play to get you to dress Her down in your column.
If SHEESH is paying for dom services, doesn’t he at least get the privilege of having a clean one shoved you-know-where? SHEESH!
Wow, Dan. Every once in a while I see something that makes me want to stop reading your column. Your response to SHEESH definitely fits that description.
What an awful thing to call him, first of all. Since you made assumptions about his motivations, I’m going to make one about yours: it feels very attention-getting for the sake of attention-getting. Very “Oh look, I’m Dan Savage and people pay attention when I say extreme things.” For shame, Dan. You say some wonderful things. That op-ed you wrote for the New York Times was brilliant. This response was not.
Second, I don’t think it’s manipulative to believe so strongly in your right to know the situation you’re in is safe and ask for what you need to make that happen, that you want to write a public letter about it.
I think if the domme felt uncomfortable with his request, given their relationship, she should have ended the scene and then negotiated with him a healthy way to navigate something like that in the future. Since that’s not her style, it sounds like this wasn’t the right domme for him. But that does not make him a piece of shit.
As big a douche as LBJ was, he basically strong-armed segregationist senators into not filibustering desegregation. It’d be nice to see the new administration do something similar (but more diplomatic and less apt to lose the dems the southern states again) and say, “Look, marriage rights for gay people is inevitable. We can be cutting-edge and make it happen, or we can look like rearguard douches by being one of the last governments to oppose it.” And then say that any gay marriage anywhere is recognized by the federal government, esp. the IRS.
As for dildo-guy…. Dan, don’t you think you were hard on him? Yeah, it’s crappy that he’s all, “And she reads your column,” but anonymous sex is risky enough – someone who refused to reassure me that her sex tools were hygienic would lose my business anyway. Seems to me that if you’re in the sex trade, you should be willing to go out of your way to demonstrate your extra care – because that, not extra kinkiness, would attract more business.
Wow, Dan. Every once in a while I see something that makes me want to stop reading your column. Your response to SHEESH definitely fits that description.
What an awful thing to call him, first of all. Since you made assumptions about his motivations, I’m going to make one about yours: it feels very attention-getting for the sake of attention-getting. Very “Oh look, I’m Dan Savage and people pay attention when I say extreme things.” For shame, Dan. You say some wonderful things. That op-ed you wrote for the New York Times was brilliant. This response was not.
Second, I don’t think it’s manipulative to believe so strongly in your right to know the situation you’re in is safe and ask for what you need to make that happen, that you want to write a public letter about it.
I think if the domme felt uncomfortable with his request, given their relationship, she should have ended the scene and then negotiated with him a healthy way to navigate something like that in the future. Since that’s not her style, it sounds like this wasn’t the right domme for him. But that does not make him a piece of shit.
@Just Me
I do not think it was the fact that the request was made, JM, but moreso the fact that he violated the terms of their contract and refused to give up on it.
Pretty much this is what it comes down to: before entering into the scenerio it is important to make sure the person you are hiring is clean and responsible BEFORE beginning your session. This isn’t your average “hire a prostitute” situation. This man was hiring a woman, under contract, to dominate and humiliate him. So once that gear is on, once that door is closed, those are the terms you must abide by. Have any doubts? Want to make sure she cleans all her tools? (because, frankly, a dildo is not the only dom-gear that can spread infections) ASK HER BEFOREHAND. And don’t give me “I didn’t know it would come up”. You should have properly researched how these things worked before jumping in if that is the case.
If she were to stop what she was doing to reassure him of whether or not her dildo was cleaned it would have completely destroyed the atmosphere of control. The session would have been compromised. So it was either her doing what she did, or giving up her power- which is what her entire point is.
This guy was a douche. Not because he wanted to be clean, but because he didn’t even think to ask about her cleaning habits or how responsible she was BEFORE signing that contract or winding up in that situation.
She had every right to do what she did. And this is coming from someone who thinks being responsible and safe in sex-play is of the highest priority. I don’t wait until after the guy fucks me to ask “So hey, got any STDs?” I ask BEFOREHAND.
(oops, sorry for the double comment. it disappeared and then reappeared.)
AnnoyedJackMormon,
I don’t think the Mormons have been as careful as you think. They instructed members via an hour-long message that went out to churches in Utah, Hawaii, and Idaho as well as California to contribute money directly to assist Prop. 8 and to volunteer.
I suggest you take a look at http://www.mormonsstoleourrights.com/
which looks more closely at this issue, and determines that at the very least the church failed to comply with even minimal reporting requirements, and absolutely violated the spirit of the law, if not the letter of the law.
No matter how careful you think they are by not violating the letter of the law, I would not be surprised if it was there violating the spirit of the law that will be enough to undo them.
Dan,
Even before Prop. 8 you were getting sloppy on calls to the podcast, forgetting important details and not even bothering to go over the details again when formulating your answer, and in some cases even criticizing callers for not including information they clearly stated in the beginning of their calls.
As someone that only recently started listening to the podcast, I caught up by listening to all of them over the period of about a week, and there is a noticeable drop in your level of interest over the last several months. Now I think your disinterest is just turning to hostility.
If you don’t care about the people that call and write to you anymore, at least have the decency to not hurt them.
Dan, While you were sitting beside him, did you mention to Anderson Cooper that visibility is the best way to combat homophobia and the biggest role he could play would be to come out?
No one should ever be dumped as a client because of an insistence on hygiene. Particularly in the disease-strewn age we live in, it’s the only sensible thing to do. His domme was clearly in the wrong if she refused him on that basis. If he was being a dick about it, she should have told him that’s why she was dumping him so he didn’t get the wrong idea. Being a good top is about being responsible for your bottom and making sure they are kept safe.
I agree with henri. A clean dildo is just common sense. Being the sub shouldn’t put you at any health risk. Yeah maybe you got him off by humiliating him, good for you… but i don’t see any issue with his request. Part of the dom/ sub contract is respect for the sub as much as the other way around. Where is the sex worker’s scruples?
BBIB – Next time you’re having the conversation about the Bible’s rules, ask to go over the specific passage that dictates marriage is only m-f. And then ask about the other rules in there, like not eating meat and dairy together. And how about shellfish? I’m never satisfied with the answers I get.
yowza, dan… pretty harsh on SHEESH. even if he is a manipulative piece of shit, you’re making it seem like it’s not okay for someone to look out for their own health. don’t let your column give other people in similar situations the wrong idea–even the douche-baggiest have a right to be disease-free
I have an idea. The States and the Federal Gov’t should all cease being in the marriage business in favor of Civil Unions for ALL. Then, let the various church organizations decide who they will “Marry” or not.
…yawn
Battling Bigots should check himself – he has no “right” to time with those kids as their uncle. He has the exact same legal status as anyone else in the world who is not their parents – he gets to see them at the sole discretion of the parents, revocable at any time for any reason. So why antagonize the MIL? She’s got more clout with her daughter than you do. And the mother of those kids may well be able to win on a “I’m not comfortable with all the drama, let’s not invite your obnoxiously political fight-picking brother this time” argument with your brother. Why not just chill out? The MIL knows you don’t agree with her. That’s done. Any further discussion is just about your ego, IMO.
If I was being paid to dildo people I would make sure that each person had their own dildo. I would keep it clean and everything but they would be assured that the only dildo they were getting was theirs.
…. cue full metal jacket with dildoes ….
Honestly, I would want to know if the dildo in my ass was recently in someone else’s’. Politics aside…its just polite.
I think you were way off base with SHEESH, Dan. Anyone at ANY time has the right to be concerned about their sexual health, particularly when there’s a strong chance the object in question has been used with multiple partners. People are told they should make sure to watch a tattoo artist open a fresh needle in front of them, but suddenly it’s not alright to ask someone to bleach a dildo? Whether or not he asked in an assholish, topping from the bottom manner, he has the right to make sure that it’s clean. Period. He’s well shut of this particular domme.
As a long time reader I am very put off by your response to SHEESH, so what if that dumb bitch he was complaining about reads your column (and aren’t you a little high and mighty on yourself for assuming that she reads you) your responsibility – such that you have any – is to the person that wrote to you.
I agree with some of the others here – SHEESH was right and their employee for the moment was WRONG. Period! That person should be named and other clients who care about their health and safety should be warned.
I agree with “Just Me.” SHEESH was totally correct in requesting her to clean it.
Dan, I generally love your column, but I’m appalled by your response to SHEESH. Safety comes first, and the dom introduced the dildo midway through the scene. What you seem to be so pissed about is that the guy wrote to you. Did it occur to you that the guy might not be trying to “manipulate” the dom, but instead be trying to (a) make sure that he, as a sub, is in line in asking for a clean dildo, and/or (b) make sure, for the sake of the dom’s future clients, that the dom knows that a client’s request for a clean dildo is a reasonable one? You’ve got a lot of influence, Dan, and your answer just might have made for a nice new little crop of STDs and AIDS among subs who will now hesitate to ask for a clean dildo.
You should have said something along these lines: “SHEESH, you should always negotiate such requests in advance, and this issue was foreseeable. But given that the dom introduced the dildo in the middle of the action, you were reasonable in asking for a sterile one. Sounds like you and the dom are not on the same wavelength, and you’re better off parting. And dom, next time, use a condom, or take steps in advance to assure your client you’re being safe.”
My Mistress says the way his Dominatrix should have handled this is she should have made him wash the dildo under her watchfull eye.
Dan:-
Kudos for your appearance on Anderson Cooper 350. Not only did you articulate the legal case for freedom of marriage perfectly (yes, Loving v. Virginia as a perfect example of the Court’s existing to overturn tyranny by majority), but I loved it when Tony Perkins had to resort to kvetching about you interrupting him. What? He thought he’d get fewer interruptions from Ann Coulter?
Here’s a question about the “kids need a mother and a father” argument. When my grandmothers were widowed before their children were grown, should the government have stepped in and split up their sons and daughters among foster families headed by married couples? And would it have been appropriate to remove them from any of those settings in the event that Mom or Pop Foster met an untimely end?
Sincerely,
Audrey Rasmusson, Esq.
Pittsburgh, PA
The response to SHEESH seemed a bit harsh to me, too. However, I can see that it might be insulting to be asked to be WATCHED washing the dildo.
He missed a step… one that includes diplomacy… perhaps asking about her sterile proceedures for her sex paraphernalia.
I can see how she would be insulted. By not asking if the item was sterilized, and instead asking to watch it be sterilized, it implys that he wouldn’t have taken her word if she simply told him the dildo would be (or had been) sterilized.
Re SHEESH: I’ve looked to others for opinions when I’m wondering if I was out of line in my actions. Maybe that’s all he was doing too.
Ouch.
Mistress, permission requested to scrub that dildo with bleach?
What self-respecting sex professional would accept her professionalism being so rudely called into question ? “Of course it’s clean !”
As a unitarian, I see same sex marriage as a 1st amendment issue. Marrige is a scared rite, so the Government shouldnt pass laws that shows favortism to one faiths practicing of this rite over another faiths. While some people want to address it as a civil rights issue (not saying its not) the relgious freedom aspect should shut most conservative fundies down.
MarsAttack wrote: “Want to make sure she cleans all her tools? (because, frankly, a dildo is not the only dom-gear that can spread infections) ASK HER BEFOREHAND.”
Bullshit. They hadn’t discussed dildo training in the preliminaries; she sprang it on him. Cut this guy a break; he just wanted to be safe. You can quibble that his reaction wasn’t exactly the right ettiquette, but the fact that she sprang this on him in the middle of a scene and then got all indignant with him means that she’s the asshole, not him.
And Dan: You over-reacted. Just because he says the Domme reads your column doesn’t mean he was being all passive-aggressive. He may have partly wanted to reach her, but so what? I mean, he was still asking a legitimate question. How many other sex advice columns could he have gone to? Jeeez!
I can state with authority that Kinky Coed has zero chance of making a living as a non-nude bondage model. Her chances would increase slightly if she were willing to pose nude, but even then, her chances are low. Yes, you can find non-nude bondage photos around, some of them nicely done even. But most of those models do it for kicks; few of them get paid anything. There are far more kinksters out there willing to pose than there are photographers willing to pay for it.
Chalk me up to the “too harsh on SHEESH” team. Jesus Christ, dude. What’s gotten into you? It certainly sounds like we can assume that this particular issue was not foreseen and thus not outlined in his contract, and of course he has a right to his personal safety! What happened to your passionate support of safe sex in all situations? Why were you such an asshole to this poor guy? I’m totally baffled.
Dan,
You were great on Anderson Cooper. It’s so important for Americans to be exposed to a counterbalance to the right-wing pro-prop 8 talking heads. Thanks for presenting a logical, rational, well-reasoned argument in such a cool-headed manner.
Dan, you are waaay off in your response to SHEESH. He may well be a controlling twat, but dildo sanitation is as non-negotiable as getting a brand new needle from your doctor or dentist. Being vigilant about your health does not constitute topping from the bottom — it just makes you an informed consumer. In sex work, like in all fields, there are sloppy practitioners who cut corners and/or engage in unethical practices. SHEESH is lucky to be rid of her.
Maybe the problem was the suggested method of cleaning the dildo? From what I hear, bleach is some nasty shit. You don’t want that up your ass. I’m betting you don’t want to pay for a new (expensive) silicone dildo after the bleach has ruined it, either.
He should have asked for it to be boiled or disinfected by some other means, and it definitely should have been used with a condom.
I thought when you got a chance to speak on Anderson Cooper you were good. However, AC was not a good moderator and let Perkins dominate the conversation. I bet if you count the air time, he had more. I felt AC could/should have done better and wonder why he didn’t. Oh wait, it’s CNN, for gosh sakes. Anyway, I’m a straight 53 year old dad and my 19 and 22 year old daughters love your column.
Best
K
When I came across your column it was informative and educational enough that I went back and eventually caught up the missed articles. What you said to SHEESH may be the meanest thing you’ve said in the column to anyone. Not only did you offer no advice nor educate; not only was the situation a gray enough area that a detail had to ‘tip’ your opinion to judge him wrong; but you then say he is a piece of shit. Wow. I’ve witnessed people do some pretty lousy crap to another, and yet rarely if ever would I write a person off completely in such a way. You know almost nothing about SHEESH. Your response makes it clear your opinion about him was basically a guess, so how about showing a little respect for a fellow human being. If you are too frustrated with other things to do that, maybe it would be better to take a short break from the column.