My life is not horrible. I’m an American college student. Compared to most people in the world, I’m pretty well-off. I go to college in Bellingham, Washington—the weed is awesome, the weather is great, and there are lots of hot guys. Score! But! I’m a homo. And I didn’t know how horrible my life was until I got here…
It seems like every gay/queer person who is involved in anything gay/queer on campus has this idea that gay people are SO oppressed that we need to constantly discuss it and feel like victims. Don’t get me wrong: We are a ways away from equality, and I recognize this. But it seems like the constant thread on college campuses for queers—other than talking about Lady Gaga or sucking dick—is complaining about how oppressed queer people are.
How do I respectfully say, “STFU, we’re doing just fine, you white, upper-class American kids” without sounding like an insensitive assdouche?
MG
You know, when I came out to my parents in 1981ishwhateversomething, telling my mom and dad that I was gay didn’t just mean telling them I liked to kissandotherstuff boys. It meant telling them I would never marry, never have children, and never be a marine. Or at least that’s what I thought I was telling them. But here we are, three short decades later, and I’m married. And I have a child. And now I can be a marine. (Not that I want to be a marine—well, not anymore. After seeing a pic of a shirtless Navy Seal in last week’s New York Times, I want to be a Navy Seal.)
And I live in Seattle, where the weed is awesome (I’m told), the weather is great (if you like to snowboard), and the boy I marriedandkissandotherstuff is a lotta hot guy all by himself.
I agree with you, MG. Things are good. Things have gotten better—and not just for me.
But we have work left to do. We have our full civil equality to secure, homo- and transphobic violence to confront, bigoted lawmakers to defeat (hey there, Rick!). But the discrimination and challenges we face shouldn’t prevent us from appreciating the good things. Yes, it has gotten better. That doesn’t mean we can ignore the bashings (tinyurl.com/42lqr55) and outrages (tinyurl.com/27ugxtz) and tragedies (tinyurl.com/3lk5h3l). But we shouldn’t be so in love with our victimization—or so insecure about our progress—that we can’t acknowledge the triumphs (tinyurl.com/3uzulpr) and joys (tinyurl.com/2g3pwry) and Navy Seals (tinyurl.com/68xol6p).
So I’m with you, MG—up to a point.
I disagree about the STFU part. You don’t have to hang out with the kind of LGBT activists who aren’t capable of fighting the good fight—fighting for their civil equality and mine and yours—while also appreciating all the good things about their lives. Not all LGBT activists are humorless scolds. Some are, for sure (and they tend to be overrepresented on college campuses), but there are plenty of people out there who can organize a protest one night and a good party the next.
Guys like you and me, MG, people who have it pretty good, have to remember that there are LGBT folks out there who have it lousy and not all of them are in a position to speak up for themselves. Let me see if I can think of an example… okay: There are bullied and isolated and abused LGBT kids out there who don’t live in places like Bellingham or Seattle, who don’t have the love and support of their parents, and who aren’t “doing fine.” If we don’t speak up for isolated and bullied LGBT kids, who will? (For the record: There are lots and lots and lots of loved and accepted LGBT kids out there, too—not all LGBT kids are miserable—who are doing fine and fighting for their own rights and the rights of other LGBT kids.)
We don’t have to mope. We don’t have to pretend that we feel oppressed 24/7. And we don’t have to attend pointless queer events that are run by LGBT whiners who mistake wallowing in self-pity for activism. You’ll find, once you get out of college, that most of us aren’t moping, pretending, or attending. Most of us are getting on with our lives and doing fine.
But, again, not all LGBT people are doing fine, MG, just as not all LGBT people are white or upper-class or in college or lucky enough to live in Bellingham. If you’re in a position to do something, MG, you should. You don’t have to do everything. Make your contribution. It doesn’t have to take over your life, and you don’t have to pretend to be any more oppressed than you actually are. But you should do something.
Remember: The only thing more annoying than a whiny, college-age queer with a persecution complex is a smug, college-age queer who takes his good fortune for granted and couldn’t give a shit about other people because, hey, he’s got his (his weed, his boys, his education).
I’m a 26-year-old lady who just broke up with a man I thought I wanted to marry. We had incredible, playful sex, were very kind to each other, are both a little queer, and share many interests in spite of our 20-year age difference.
Six months into our relationship, I moved to a bigger city four hours away, and we could see each other only every other weekend. Because of our careers, it wouldn’t be possible for us to live in the same place again for at least two or three years, maybe more. That was one reason I broke up with him. I also feared that he needed to be with a man—even though he loves me to sit on his face. He’s definitely bi, but he’s never been with a man. I am, too, but having had girlfriends makes me comfortable knowing that I mostly want to be with men. Part of me is excited to be free to explore my new city on my own and trusts I made a mature decision. Part of me thinks I really fucked up to let go of a kind, fun—if slightly flawed (but they all are)—relationship. What do you think?
Drowning My Sorrows In Glee
I think it’s a wonderful thing to be 26, bi, single, employed, and living in a big city. I think that a guy who’s single, bi, and amazing in bed at 46 is likely to be single, bi, and amazing in bed at 48. (No guarantees, of course.) You should enjoy the next couple of years, DMSIG, and then revisit the issue of Mr. Wonderful if and when you two or circumstances conspire to put you in the same place again.
I have to take you to task for your answer to Sent From My iPhone. In your answer, you compared condoms and withdrawal as methods of birth control. As a former Planned Parenthood volunteer educator, I will tell you that, like withdrawal, condoms alone are NEVER a recommended form of birth control. To compare these two “methods” is a little irresponsible. In fact, condoms alone weren’t even on our list of birth control methods. The good news is that condoms PLUS spermicide were on that list. When used together and properly, condoms and spermicide are almost as effective as the pill in preventing pregnancy.
Loud Mouth About Birth Control
Thanks for sharing, LMABC.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Spermicide — ouch! Thanks for the UTI’s and burning crotch. N-9 made me FEEL like I had an STI, and is responsible for UTI’s.
To weigh in on the IUD debate: I had the Mirena for a year and a half. I thought it was great for awhile, then the hormones screwed me up worse than any other form of hormonal birth control I have ever used — increased bladder infections, dry eye, depression, low libido: the works. Anecdotal, I know, but never again. Paragard is hormone-free and probably would have been a better option for me.
My long term BF and I use exclusively condoms without spermicide and withdrawal. No pregancy scares so far! And I feel so much better sexually, physically, and emotionally. Some of us are too sensitive to hormones and spermicides to fool around with other forms of birth control.
@156: Vasectomies for the win.
@61 “Girls should not be pumping their bodies full of hormones when IUDs have been used in Europe for decades as the preferred form of birth control”
Huh ? You mean, married woman who don’t want any more kids ? Because for girls, it’s still the pill here in Europe.
As for spermicide, I’m happy to learn here that it can hurt before I ever tried it. I’ll stick to condoms and withdrawal !
Thanks for the input everyone, but wow, no.
Basically what you’re saying is it might increase the size slightly but it WILL make me burn more fat, which is what I don’t want. (And no, I don’t want to lose it off anywhere else in my body)
I actually hate exercise so much so unless it’s going to give me something I REALLY want I’m not going to do it.
Thanks for clearing it up though!
What? No, you got it backwards. It WILL build your ass and it will hardly burn any fat. Any exercise you do will burn a little fat
@161 You a dude?
I just want to add my two cents to the HBC discussion… I am a nulliparous (lovely word) 26 year old and I heart my Mirena IUD, and have had it for 4+ years. Stopped having periods about 4 months post-insertion. Will probably pop out a kid or two (if I’m lucky) at the 5 year removal mark and then get another IUD put in once I’m done. It’s really a great device and I agree with others who have remarked that the bad rap IUDs had back in the day, while warranted (I was born to an 80’s IUD user myself) has prevented a lot of women from using a now very reliable and hassle-free form of birth control. Keep in mind, too, that if your partner gets poked by the string during sex, your OB/GYN can snip it shorter for you. I didn’t need to have that done, much to my surprise, but apparently it’s a very straightforward process. I’ll also say that I had my IUD inserted under general anesthesia since I was also having a D&C done for other reasons, so I can’t say how uncomfortable the typical office insertion is. I felt groggy for about a day and then good as new. Sure beats the blood clot in my leg and 4 days spent with a Heparin IV while on Yasmin.
God Damn, how I wish more people would say “STFU, we’re doing just fine, you white, upper-class American kids” cause I for one am so sick of people with an agenda tacked onto the front of their name. Anyone, anymore who says “I’m Phil-in-the-Blank” completely loses me. And you know why? Because those people don’t give a shit about me or you or anything other then what they want. The Gay PAC here got a law passed that made it manditory for school officials to deal with gay kids being bullied. Fine. But what about MY kid. They could have/should have made a law protecting all kids from harassment, but in the end they only cared about them and theirs. And that goes for every group with an agenda. So don’t ask me for donations or to march in your marches because if I need you, you sure as shit won’t be there for me.
@164, yes, of course groups with an agenda focus on their members’ needs and wants. That’s why they came together as a group and built an agenda.
One reason gay groups want laws requiring that schools deal with gay kids being bullied is that not all gay kids have parents like you, who will fight for their kids. Too many parents might say, “Well, if you weren’t queer, they wouldn’t pick on you.” Too many kids don’t feel they’re able to come out to their parents.
If you think a law requiring schools to deal with all cases of bullying is a good idea, why don’t YOU go fight for it? Maybe your PTA is a good place to start.
One year ago the right to get married was recognized in Argentina to LGTB people, and yes, for many of us things got better. However, a week ago Carlos Aguero, a 17 years old teenager who was perceived as gay by his schoolmates, hanged himself after years of bullying at school. Although in his small town the voices that claim for the responsability of teachers and authorities are trying to be silenced, slowly his death became visible to the national media, which means that things got better, but not enought to prevent Carlos to take his life away. (http://www.pagina12.com.ar/diario/suplem….
One year ago the right to get married was recognized in Argentina to LGTB people, and yes, for many of us things got better. However, a week ago Carlos Aguero, a 17 years old teenager who was perceived as gay by his schoolmates, hanged himself after years of bullying at school. Although in his small town the voices that claim for the responsability of teachers and authorities are trying to be silenced, slowly his death became visible to the national media, which means that things got better, but not enought to prevent Carlos to take his life away. (http://www.pagina12.com.ar/diario/suplem….
I love how planned parenthood likes to push women into messing around with their hormones (pill, iud, patch, shot, etc.) and inserting chemicals into themselves (spermicide).
The idea that condoms used by themselves are not a good ‘method’ is ludicrous. From personal experience, whenever I have been in a planned parenthood the ‘educators’ have always tried me to go with iud or shot because then my hormones are fucked up for a good set amount of time, implying of course that my partner and myself could never be so responsible as to use a condom 100% of the time (we do).
Stop looking down on me PP!
I love how planned parenthood likes to push women into messing around with their hormones (pill, iud, patch, shot, etc.) and inserting chemicals into themselves (spermicide).
The idea that condoms used by themselves are not a good ‘method’ is ludicrous. From personal experience, whenever I have been in a planned parenthood the ‘educators’ have always tried me to go with iud or shot because then my hormones are fucked up for a good set amount of time, implying of course that my partner and myself could never be so responsible as to use a condom 100% of the time (we do).
Stop looking down on me PP!
What I find a bit sad about too many mod’ren queer-letter-salad activists is that they’ve got no grasp of their own history. Maybe they’ve heard of Stonewall. But Harry Hay? The Mattachine Society? Daughters of Bilitis? Mention that no self-respecting queer was having mimosas with brunch in 1977 and you’ll get a blank stare (and if you’re giving me one now, Google Anita Bryant and orange juice).
My point is that far too many people in this country are looking for reasons to validate themselves and their identities through the mechanisms of oppression, and that’s easy to do when you haven’t really learned where you’ve come from.
Admittedly, learning about gay history isn’t easy. AIDS didn’t just kill queers, it killed our elders. It mowed down a huge swath of the people who marched, who rioted, who knew how to read handkerchief code, and who remembered bar raids and paddy-wagons full of business-suited gay men hiding their faces from the cameras. A whole generation’s worth of history and stories was wiped out. Gone. Never to be regained except through research. There are very few people left to tell the young ones how it was, and just how good they *do* have it today.
Dan and MG are both right. For far too many people, not enough has changed. But the vast numbers of us who have gained so much from the sacrifices of those who came before have an obligation that we owe to those who are still suffering and to those who are gone: serve the former, and honor the latter, by recognizing our strength.
I say all this as someone who’s not an old-timer. I’m 39. But every day I’m thankful that I do not have a torturous coming out story, that I’ve never been the victim of violence, and that I have the confidence to laugh in the face of bigots (provided they’re, you know, unarmed). All of that has very little to do with me, and *everything* to do with the people in the past who were beaten, who bled, who marched, who fought for the most basic of the rights that I now enjoy.
And for those who think I’m being naïve, and that I just don’t get how bad it is for people…you know what? Fantastic. Things have improved to the point where I get more flack from gay folks because of where I fall on the Kinsey scale than I do from straights, and I can afford to be starry-eyed, optimistic, and out without worrying about getting arrested, fired, or run out of town.
It gets better?
It *is* better.
What I find a bit sad about too many mod’ren queer-letter-salad activists is that they’ve got no grasp of their own history. Maybe they’ve heard of Stonewall. But Harry Hay? The Mattachine Society? Daughters of Bilitis? Mention that no self-respecting queer was having mimosas with brunch in 1977 and you’ll get a blank stare (and if you’re giving me one now, Google Anita Bryant and orange juice).
My point is that far too many people in this country are looking for reasons to validate themselves and their identities through the mechanisms of oppression, and that’s easy to do when you haven’t really learned where you’ve come from.
Admittedly, learning about gay history isn’t easy. AIDS didn’t just kill queers, it killed our elders. It mowed down a huge swath of the people who marched, who rioted, who knew how to read handkerchief code, and who remembered bar raids and paddy-wagons full of business-suited gay men hiding their faces from the cameras. A whole generation’s worth of history and stories was wiped out. Gone. Never to be regained except through research. There are very few people left to tell the young ones how it was, and just how good they *do* have it today.
Dan and MG are both right. For far too many people, not enough has changed. But the vast numbers of us who have gained so much from the sacrifices of those who came before have an obligation that we owe to those who are still suffering and to those who are gone: serve the former, and honor the latter, by recognizing our strength.
I say all this as someone who’s not an old-timer. I’m 39. But every day I’m thankful that I do not have a torturous coming out story, that I’ve never been the victim of violence, and that I have the confidence to laugh in the face of bigots (provided they’re, you know, unarmed). All of that has very little to do with me, and *everything* to do with the people in the past who were beaten, who bled, who marched, who fought for the most basic of the rights that I now enjoy.
And for those who think I’m being naïve, and that I just don’t get how bad it is for people…you know what? Fantastic. Things have improved to the point where I get more flack from gay folks because of where I fall on the Kinsey scale than I do from straights, and I can afford to be starry-eyed, optimistic, and out without worrying about getting arrested, fired, or run out of town.
It gets better?
It *is* better.
“Having more muscle will burn more calories, which can reduce the fat you have.”
(Don’t want)
“Most likely scenario is that squatting will, over time, add muscle without removing fat such that it makes your butt a little bigger. You will not get a badonk out of it. That’s genetics.”
The risk of losing fat on the parts of my body where I do want it and the fact that I hate exercise means that it’s just not worth it if it’s just a small increase.
Back around 1970ishorsomewherearoundthere , as a fresh faced college freshman cocksucker wannabe from a small town patriotic heartland, I took offense to a professor’s dissing of the good ol’ USA and made my displeasure known. I cannot remember his name now partly because the weed was even better then. MG’s “don’t worry, be happy” youthful hopeful point of view reminds me of the professor’s retort as I recall it: “Just because you are on top of the shit pile, doesn’t mean you smell good yet”. The simple point made a lasting impression. My own big gay life turned out not terrible, hottie partner of 35 years, families like each other, inspiring teenage son, – great friends, big house, lots of toys, but I still have public parameters my straight neighbor does not. And while it pisses me off on rare occasions that I can’t hold my partner’s hand in public, what pisses me off even more is that the conditioning has become so much a part of me, that it only rarely pisses me off. Whatever token gains we’ve made, the nameless faceless shadows could be only a few cups of tea away. But MG should be having fun at this stage, the layers will stack up soon enough. The front lines aren’t for everyone..ditch the downers, good luck, never get old, get a good job and write us a big fat check later on.
@168/9: not quite sure what you’re trying to say. IUDs are non-hormonal, and many forms of birth control are more effective than condoms over the long-term, though you are right that condoms are very effective if used correctly every time. I have a hard time believing that PP jumps on you and demands that you take hormonal bc every time you come in, but maybe you should listen to them, because you are maybe not too well informed, since hormonal bc is more effective than condoms and it’s not because your hormones are somehow “fucked up” (?????) but I assume that they are simply trying to explain that there are *many* different methods of bc, and hormonal or iud plus condom is more effective htan condom alone. which is true.
# 173:
So what about your life is a radical breakthrough from your salad days other than being a partner of someone of the same sex?
Is your sexual orientation the most truthful label for your core being?
When activists use ‘we’ to describe the group they represent, I only hope they’re talking about people they know personally.
Being gay entails being part of at least one of a multiplex of shared social environments. However an unknown number of people don’t fit under that umbrella and don’t label themselves such. In addition, many who do don’t want what you’ve got. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
MG–hang in there, bud. You’ve just gotta assert yourself and tell those snotty rich kids to chill. They eventually do back off.
DAN!!! When are you going on MTV???
You ROCK!!!!
I’m not gay, and I live in Kansas, plus I’m active duty military, but I HAVE lived in Bellingham, and although this post is probably pointless, I think your probably pretty good off being gay in Bham. Imagine being a homo where I’m at. Gay’s are so suppressed here. They may lynch you for listening to European techno with your headphones in.
@177: Raul, you have my deepest sympathy. Living in suppression of any kind sucks.
@53, my doctor recommended the IUD to me. Then a nurse I saw later really raised her eyebrows when I told her I had an IUD but had never had a child. She said it was ‘not recommended by the manufacturer’ but couldn’t say why. I asked the doctor, and she said that it’s only not recommended because IUDs bring, to all women, an increased risk of infertility, which is seen as not so bad if you’ve already had kids, but really bad if you haven’t. So according to her, the restrictions have more to do with social than medical factors.
@53, @179 — The teenagers who are being given IUDs “assembly line style” are overwhelmingly poor and nonwhite… i.e. not the ones that the social powers that be particularly *want* procreating in the future. If they end up infertile, what’s the big deal?
It’s pretty widespread in less-privileged communities across the country and the parents and teenagers in question are being given biased/incomplete information on the whole.
“These over privileged fucks live in the richest country in the world and spend their time whining constantly about how bad they have it. I think if we took the time we all collectively spend whining and moaning about how this group gets this and this group doesn’t get that and spent it on science(and I am talking about REAL science NOT Women’s or African American studies) we would have transporters and warp drive by now. Beam me up Scotty- there’s no intelligent life down here.’
But why on earth would scientists invent anything new or eradicate diseases when they have “professors” like you telling them to shut up and be happy with their lot – after all, they might be sanitation workers!
There will always be people worse off, and people better off. Telling people they can’t complain or fight to better their lot because somewhere there’s a starving AIDS orphan who will always have a worse life is the lowest of the low.
Another thing to keep in mind is just because those kids are attending college in a liberal town doesn’t mean that they’ve always lived in a place like that. A lot of kids escape to more liberal places from much more conservative parts of the country. I go to college in a liberal big city on the East Coast, and I know plenty of LGBT people who are not out because they can’t risk going back to Texas/Colorado/Oklahoma/wherever with a boyfriend or girlfriend.