My life is not horrible. I’m an American college student. Compared to most people in the world, I’m pretty well-off. I go to college in Bellingham, Washington—the weed is awesome, the weather is great, and there are lots of hot guys. Score! But! I’m a homo. And I didn’t know how horrible my life was until I got here…
It seems like every gay/queer person who is involved in anything gay/queer on campus has this idea that gay people are SO oppressed that we need to constantly discuss it and feel like victims. Don’t get me wrong: We are a ways away from equality, and I recognize this. But it seems like the constant thread on college campuses for queers—other than talking about Lady Gaga or sucking dick—is complaining about how oppressed queer people are.
How do I respectfully say, “STFU, we’re doing just fine, you white, upper-class American kids” without sounding like an insensitive assdouche?
MG
You know, when I came out to my parents in 1981ishwhateversomething, telling my mom and dad that I was gay didn’t just mean telling them I liked to kissandotherstuff boys. It meant telling them I would never marry, never have children, and never be a marine. Or at least that’s what I thought I was telling them. But here we are, three short decades later, and I’m married. And I have a child. And now I can be a marine. (Not that I want to be a marine—well, not anymore. After seeing a pic of a shirtless Navy Seal in last week’s New York Times, I want to be a Navy Seal.)
And I live in Seattle, where the weed is awesome (I’m told), the weather is great (if you like to snowboard), and the boy I marriedandkissandotherstuff is a lotta hot guy all by himself.
I agree with you, MG. Things are good. Things have gotten better—and not just for me.
But we have work left to do. We have our full civil equality to secure, homo- and transphobic violence to confront, bigoted lawmakers to defeat (hey there, Rick!). But the discrimination and challenges we face shouldn’t prevent us from appreciating the good things. Yes, it has gotten better. That doesn’t mean we can ignore the bashings (tinyurl.com/42lqr55) and outrages (tinyurl.com/27ugxtz) and tragedies (tinyurl.com/3lk5h3l). But we shouldn’t be so in love with our victimization—or so insecure about our progress—that we can’t acknowledge the triumphs (tinyurl.com/3uzulpr) and joys (tinyurl.com/2g3pwry) and Navy Seals (tinyurl.com/68xol6p).
So I’m with you, MG—up to a point.
I disagree about the STFU part. You don’t have to hang out with the kind of LGBT activists who aren’t capable of fighting the good fight—fighting for their civil equality and mine and yours—while also appreciating all the good things about their lives. Not all LGBT activists are humorless scolds. Some are, for sure (and they tend to be overrepresented on college campuses), but there are plenty of people out there who can organize a protest one night and a good party the next.
Guys like you and me, MG, people who have it pretty good, have to remember that there are LGBT folks out there who have it lousy and not all of them are in a position to speak up for themselves. Let me see if I can think of an example… okay: There are bullied and isolated and abused LGBT kids out there who don’t live in places like Bellingham or Seattle, who don’t have the love and support of their parents, and who aren’t “doing fine.” If we don’t speak up for isolated and bullied LGBT kids, who will? (For the record: There are lots and lots and lots of loved and accepted LGBT kids out there, too—not all LGBT kids are miserable—who are doing fine and fighting for their own rights and the rights of other LGBT kids.)
We don’t have to mope. We don’t have to pretend that we feel oppressed 24/7. And we don’t have to attend pointless queer events that are run by LGBT whiners who mistake wallowing in self-pity for activism. You’ll find, once you get out of college, that most of us aren’t moping, pretending, or attending. Most of us are getting on with our lives and doing fine.
But, again, not all LGBT people are doing fine, MG, just as not all LGBT people are white or upper-class or in college or lucky enough to live in Bellingham. If you’re in a position to do something, MG, you should. You don’t have to do everything. Make your contribution. It doesn’t have to take over your life, and you don’t have to pretend to be any more oppressed than you actually are. But you should do something.
Remember: The only thing more annoying than a whiny, college-age queer with a persecution complex is a smug, college-age queer who takes his good fortune for granted and couldn’t give a shit about other people because, hey, he’s got his (his weed, his boys, his education).
I’m a 26-year-old lady who just broke up with a man I thought I wanted to marry. We had incredible, playful sex, were very kind to each other, are both a little queer, and share many interests in spite of our 20-year age difference.
Six months into our relationship, I moved to a bigger city four hours away, and we could see each other only every other weekend. Because of our careers, it wouldn’t be possible for us to live in the same place again for at least two or three years, maybe more. That was one reason I broke up with him. I also feared that he needed to be with a man—even though he loves me to sit on his face. He’s definitely bi, but he’s never been with a man. I am, too, but having had girlfriends makes me comfortable knowing that I mostly want to be with men. Part of me is excited to be free to explore my new city on my own and trusts I made a mature decision. Part of me thinks I really fucked up to let go of a kind, fun—if slightly flawed (but they all are)—relationship. What do you think?
Drowning My Sorrows In Glee
I think it’s a wonderful thing to be 26, bi, single, employed, and living in a big city. I think that a guy who’s single, bi, and amazing in bed at 46 is likely to be single, bi, and amazing in bed at 48. (No guarantees, of course.) You should enjoy the next couple of years, DMSIG, and then revisit the issue of Mr. Wonderful if and when you two or circumstances conspire to put you in the same place again.
I have to take you to task for your answer to Sent From My iPhone. In your answer, you compared condoms and withdrawal as methods of birth control. As a former Planned Parenthood volunteer educator, I will tell you that, like withdrawal, condoms alone are NEVER a recommended form of birth control. To compare these two “methods” is a little irresponsible. In fact, condoms alone weren’t even on our list of birth control methods. The good news is that condoms PLUS spermicide were on that list. When used together and properly, condoms and spermicide are almost as effective as the pill in preventing pregnancy.
Loud Mouth About Birth Control
Thanks for sharing, LMABC.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Dan, thank you so much for the link to the SEAL. It might be a leap a faith, but I do believe I’m in love with this scrumptious creature–seen only from the back yet!
Dan – “Santorum was the only presidential candidate to attend the South Carolina party’s annual dinner on Friday night. He won 150 out of 408 votes cast in the presidential preference poll of dinner attendees.” Can you believe it?
In regards to the first letter, I think it is good to teach college students that while they may be a member of an oppressed group they themselves may not be oppressed.
“Borrowing oppression” comes off as tiresome at best and if the person is obnoxious on top of it can drive people way/against a cause.
I can still remember a coworker from college who was a WMST major who was the prototype of the young, hostile feminist. She would make accusations and collect injustices on a daily basis. She would go on and on about how oppressed she way and how privileged I was. She grew up in a rich family going to private schools and was at my Big State U because she couldn’t be bothered to study. Her male opressor father paid almost every bill she had.
Despite knowing better intellectually, it took me years to get it out of my gut that feminists weren’t self entitled narcissists .
Dan – “Santorum was the only presidential candidate to attend the South Carolina party’s annual dinner on Friday night. He won 150 out of 408 votes cast in the presidential preference poll of dinner attendees.” What’s up?
Aww thanks Mr. J and mydriasis, I agree with you most of the time (being the bra hater that I am, whenever I think it would be nice to have larger breasts, I remind myself that I would then have to wear that godawful contraption daily, and my satisfaction with my rack size is restored :P)
@103 “I’m one of those reeeally rare girls that is happy with her breast size” – congratulations, and I really wish that people wouldn’t worry about it. I suspect that women think that guys like large breasts far more than is true.
My meticulous scientific observations (and they have been as detailed as possible given propriety) – is that breasts come in all shapes and sizes, and, at least for me, I think they’re all wonderful.
wendy: ITA about having the guy explode inside you! Freakin HAWT! And such a sense of accomplishment ;). While facials and their ilk are fun for variety, I prefer the inside explosion and its feeling of “I did it for him” that comes (pardon the pun) along with it. Its just not the same intensity when he jacks it on you.
I have heard other men say that about the snip: orgasms immediately after were horrifically painful (but it went away). I even had one guy tell me it lessened the intensity a bit.
Well, *ahem*, that is just one of the reasons I volunteered to be the one to have it done. And I LOVE it!!! Tubals rock, and more statistically effective then the V.
And as far as the all cheaters being liars (of course I would have something to say about this!)? Well, of course cheating neccessitates some lying, but for some of us, that is actually the worst part of it. I know some people prefer to view the world in black and white; ohhhh….cheater…..evil!!!!!! So therefore, someone who cheats must be a dirty rotten habitual liar at all times in their lives. But for those who might have evolved past this level of thinking, and realized the world holds shades of grey, or perhaps even various colors…its not always like that. In fact, I know two cheaters who are pretty honest people most of the time *grin*, and I know of some pretty habitual liars I am pretty sure are faithful (although who knows? I am not with them 24/7).
@106 “the prototype of the young, hostile feminist” – my daughter told me about such a colleague complaining about the gender pay gap. Not only was she exaggerating the statistic (which is itself very prone to abuse and does not mean what most people think it means), she also ignored the reality that young women now are better educated than young men and – according to those same statistics – are higher paid.
Like you say, this is likely to incline others away from a cause, and one of my pet hates is abuse of statistics like that by anyone.
RAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR!!!!! This week, Dan devotes damn near an entire column to It Gets Better. Last week, he answered a letter about abortion saying NOTHING about the unified federal & now state-wide attacks on abortion rights. WTF? I have marched my ass off, phone banked my ass off & petitioned my ass for gay rights before it was popular in straight America. The Senate is voting AGAIN – for the 3rd time in a month – on defunding Planned Parenthood. Indiana just abolished funding & demanded women be told life starts at conception & outlawed abortions past 20 weeks, even in the case of rape. Where the hell are the gays at?! Dan, WTF?!
BTW, I am not an angry young feminist – I’m usually an incredibly easy going young feminist. I don’t rely on statistics or past oppressions of my gender to inform how I live today – I do my best & work my butt off.
I am ANGRY at the very real personal attacks on my right to choose, attacks on my healthcare and overall attack on my value, just like you all get angry the HRC doesn’t support trans-rights.
Call your Senator & Rep! http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_in…
@103 “my mom wouldn’t let me go on the pill.”
That’s brilliant.
@113 Stay focused, don’t target our allies:
http://tinyurl.com/joemygod-satan
http://tinyurl.com/LGBT-planned-parentho…
http://tinyurl.com/LGBT-billboards
@99 I have huge tits and an ass I’ve worked for with blood sweat and tears. My experience is that most men are ass men.
You can get a much higher level of male attention from working on your squat depth than you’ll get from large breasts.
Mine are real so they’re heavy and come with shoulder and back problems that make me want a reduction. I don’t have the slightest worry about my husband finding me less attractive if I do. He, like every other man I’ve ever dated, is focused on something else.
I can not stress this enough. Squats, not saline. Trust me.
I dunno, I bought mine and I love them, and the guys seem to as well ;). BUT!!! I think it all depends on how you are built. I am a tall girl, and just never seemed to fill out as I should have as I went through puberty, so I think I was just correcting what mother nature should have given me in the first place to balance out my frame.
I think it looks ridiculous when a tiny, petite gal walks around with size F’s ala Heidi Montag.
@111 badgirl
I’m not sure if you’re referencing my comment about vasectomy. I meant to say it was a very good kind of painful. Mind blowing good. I’m sorry the guys you know had the other kind of pain. Also, even though I’m kinky I’m not normally a pain slut so I was surprised by the experience.
It’s always great to hear you share your views on cheating. I’m neither a liar nor a cheater though I think my life might be better if I was capable of those things. At least the passage of years has given me perspective on the shades of gray. Thanks.
Mr. J…yeah, I knew a guy who told me he literally threw up after his first post-V orgasm. I was assuming you were like him. Glad to hear your experience was more pleasant, lol! But thank you for clearing up the confusion, and thanks for keeping an open mind. I know in my youth, I was certainly one of the ones who thought “cheaters bad”…so I don’t judge too harshly. Its something that is hard to understand until you have been through it. And not fun to go through certainly…so maybe your life is better the way it is now, you never know. Its a rollercoaster ride, that is for sure!
*Sigh*
I can’t even bring myself to try today. Slog, run wild with unexamined privilege, thoughtlessly universalized and essentialized identity/categorical delineations, and culturally-institutionalized racism/classism/sexism/heterosexism/etc. I’m getting lunch.
Oh, and PP definitely is supposed to (and does, as far as my experience and that of people with whom I’ve discussed the subject) consider/discuss condoms alone and condoms with various spermicides (a lot of people seem to be considering Nonoxynol-9 to be the only spermicide out there – it isn’t).
ungh. that’s Bellingham for you.
Agreed on DMSIG outlook: if he’s still running around at 46, he’s not that likely to rake root over the next year or two. Have fun and see whether the stars align again location wise. If they do, you’ll know to hold on to him this time around. http://www.bulletmouth.com
@111/117: Tubals are more effective than a vasectomy? At least one thing I’ve read says the opposite: http://www.vasectomy-information.com/art…
And my post-vasectomy orgasms were not painful at all. They were extremely pleasurable, because I hadn’t come for a few days, because my dick was covered up and hence extra sensitive, and probably the swelling made it better as well.
The anesthesia injection was extremely painful (I made him give me extra cause I’m super sensitive to pain), the surgery itself was painless, the week afterwards was pretty painful, the second week was mildly painful, and after two weeks there was no more pain.
to chime into the IUD conversation: I have had bad reaction to multiple types of hormonal BC (zero sex drive, yeast infections, flat/depressed mood), and allergic to spermicide (have to buy un-lubed condoms). The paragard (copper) IUD has been wonderful. I love having a non-hormonal, very secure method that does not require noxious chemicals or coitus interruptus.
The advice about the spermicide is SO SO SO bad! I seriously am shocked that you printed that, Dan.
To LMABC: I couldn’t find a figure on the percentage of folks who react to Nonoxynol-9 badly, but it’s high! Everything from a mildly itchy cooter to severe vaginal ulceration — and that’s why using it can actually increase your risk of contracting an STI (especially HPV, which often isn’t covered by a condom). Unless you’re one of the lucky few with a magical cast-iron crotch that can withstand the chemical assault (and in my 35 years of being “that chick that’s always talking about sexual health and birth control and way too much TMI,” I’ve met maybe 3 or 4 people who can), it seems like a worse bet than just a plain condom. Maybe your info is out of date?
@35:
I’m pretty sure that oral sex is pretty damn close to 100% effective for birth control (you’d have to be doing it pretty badly to fuck that up), but anal is… dubious. In fact, I’ve tried searching for numbers on this method as birth control, but I don’t think there have actually been any studies. Also, the number of women who only do anal or oral as a birth control method is pretty small.
Either way, I suspect that the numbers are around the same for condoms. It’s not entirely impossible for sperm to make their way back into the vagina from there.
@91 – Oh, Ricardo, how happy it made me to see you use quotation marks in EACH of the two correct ways within your comment. See, I just giggled again; it’s that good.
Kisses and good grammar to you!
@24 What you said about the string of the IUD wicking pathogens into the uterus was true of the Dalcon shield IUD but is not true of current models. They are not made of materials that wick. This issue is that it provides no protection from STIs. So while it’s fantastic for pregnancy prevention if you’re not monogamous and totally sure of your partner’s monogamy as well you need to use something else to provide a barrier to infection.
I love the pocket cartoon next to the article – sums the issue up perfectly for me.
To my mind the struggle is far from over, and the isolationists who just want to bask in the sunshine already achieved are doing a serious disservice to themselves and the rest of LGB humanity. When I was 18 back in 1965 I wrote my first cheque to the Homosexual Law Reform Society to get gay sex leglised (in the U.K. where I live). I little realised that 46 years later I would be working voluntarily for its successor Stonewall (UK). Sit on your butt if you wish and spoke yourself silly on weed, but one day you may recall that pocket cartoon and rue your idleness when you find you cannot marry or claim the body of your loved one from the hospital and so on.
@99
A quick google search found this quote on the CDC website:
“The risk of PID associated with IUD use is primarily confined to the first 3 weeks after insertion and is uncommon thereafter”
Here is the source:
Grimes DA. Intrauterine device and upper-genital-tract infection. Lancet 2000;356:1013–9. http://www.cdc.gov/std/treatment/2006/pi…
It shouldn’t be difficult to find further corroborating studies if you’re interested. Also, the increased risk of PID is during the time immediately after the IUD has been inserted because if one has an STI at the time of insertion, it can be pushed up through the cervix into the upper reproductive tract causing PID. Again, that’s why extensive testing is typically done prior to insertion.
@119
Nonoxynol-9 is the only spermicide used in the United States on condoms.
Yeesh, PugilistPuck, I was only trying to tell you that when you use scare quotes, you aren’t saying what you think you are saying. It’s a simple matter of grammar, so why get so bent out of shape?
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Granted my empirical sample size is extremely small, but the first few post V clip orgasms were spectacular in both size and enjoyment according to the owner. Still, it is something that gets multiple praises of thanksgiving on a regular basis. Just my $0.02.
Kim,
Did he get the clips or is that just poetic license? I got the more permanent solution.
I find that snippet confusing, they quote two studies to support their claim, the 2000 study finds that the IUD doesn’t affect fertility (could it be because doctors had been recommending it to monogamous women with a low risk of contracting STIs?) and the 2005 one states things like
“IUD users with PID had significantly more Fusobacteria spp. and Peptostreptococcus spp. than non-IUD users with PID. The finding of combinations of several anaerobic or aerobic microbes was associated with a significantly increased risk of PID and with complicated PID. In IUD users, the combinations of several anaerobic/aerobic microbes were associated with an increased risk of PID, irrespective of duration of IUD use. Long-term IUD use appeared to be associated with an increased risk of a PID being complicated.”
It would probably be clearer if I had access to full text, not just abstracts.
Frankly, I’d still rather take the maker’s word for it and not use their product if I wasn’t in a monogamous STI-free relationship – why else would they say they don’t recommend it to women who are at a risk of contracting an STI? There are several different ways to word it if an IUD wasn’t a concern for PID: for example,
“not recommended for women who have an STI at the time of insertion”, or
“not recommended for women who might be exposed to an STI within three weeks after insertion”.
(Btw that 2000 study found that the same % of women with asymptomatic chlamydia or gonorrhea will get PID with and without the IUD insertion, what does that mean? If you already have an STI having an IUD fitted won’t raise your risk of getting PID? I would hesitate to call it conclusive finding.)
Mr. J,
Poetic license. It was the no going back version.
Kim,
I see. I was just curious if there was a difference in the pain.
@132 – hope we helped a little.
At EricaP and Mr.J,
Yes, I was involved in such a way it was possible to register the volume difference. And, once or twice wasn’t enough. Seeing as our experience of pain and our ability to tolerate it can differ widly from one person to another it likely can’t be compared. He wouldn’t choose the word “pain” to discribe it, “intense” would be his word of choice. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before or since. And, worth every dime and bit of discomfort in his opinion.
I hope that answers your questions as that’s about as much as I can say with his okay.
@114
we were all teenagers once weren’t we? for whatever reason that was something I wanted her go-ahead on. which is weird because the premarital sex was one of the less-scandalous things I was up to at that age.
@116
okay straight up – to squats actually INCREASE the size of your butt because I’ve heard conflicting things. I’m a skinny girl (fast metabolism type) who lucked out in the breast department but I’d love love love to have more going on in the ass department. Basically I’m worried that squats will burn fat in that area? I have zero interest in replacing fat with muscle, I just want bigger! 🙁
“best” fried chicken
best “fried” chicken
best fried “‘chicken”
@140 – I meant to mock the “brilliant” decision by your mother, not you! Discouraging teens from getting birth control when they ask for it seems like a really bad idea. (Said as the mom of a preteen girl…)
oh gosh, that too.
in fairness I would probably want suggest against any teenager using ONLY the pill which is what I tried to explain to my mom when my little sister made the same request a few years later.
but hey, the upside was that if I ever have kids I’ll have a long what-not-to-do list?
Tiare, the bottom of my post linked to a Google Scholar search where you can read any abstract, most of which uphold that claim. Also, the second link has references at the bottom. If I start pulling stuff, I’ll be here all night.
As for what the makers say, remember how much of a litigious society we are. They cover their butt for many things, including asserting that nulliparous women can’t have iuds. Other countries do not have this regulatory restriction (I’m thinking Canada and the UK), and many places in the US give NP women IUDs. Myriad studies in this century have shown that NP women have only a slightly (barely significant or not sig) higher risk of expulsion, and no decrease in future fertility. But the US Mirena still says that they’re not recommended for NP women.
Anyway, on the squick factor: It’s definitely not for everyone! But the IUD squicked me less than the thought of Implanon, and I can’t do daily pills. I’m a year into my Mirena, and am pretty happy with my choice. (Also, no PID, even though I had yeast and BV at insertion! Hooray drugs.)
re – horrifically painful first few orgasms post-vasectomy: sounds like somebody didn’t wait long enough for the healing process to complete, as per the post-op instructions sheet.
@140: Everyone on the planet should be doing squats if they are physically able. They build muscle all over your body, especially your lower body. They work the gluteus muscle, which will make your ass more muscular.
Having more muscle will burn more calories, which can reduce the fat you have. But there’s no such thing as fat spot reduction: that is, any exercise you do will burn fat all over your body, not just near the muscle you work.
You should definitely do squats: aside from the health benefits, they will make your already impossibly perfect body even better.
@145: I waited about 2-3 days, much less than the post-op instructions, and had no pain during orgasms. They were just very pleasurable. The only pain was when I wasn’t having orgasms.
hmmmmm, the stats I have always heard regarding the V vs tubals was 1% failure rate for V’s vs. a 0.1% rate for tubals. But frankly, I am too lazy to look it up for sources. Eh, its been working for me. Perhaps one of the really serious debaters here is less lazy then me, or one of the sex-educators has a reference on hand.
And my quote on the horrible pain/lessened sensation was taken from a completely non-scientific source: one dude, lol! So yeah. But hearing the story scarred me a little, perhaps his procedure was even botched somehow? I dunno, merely anecdotal. But since it was such an intense anecdote, I doubt I will be forgetting it anytime soon ;).
@140 I agree with what BlackRose said. Your body doesn’t metabolize it’s own fat that way. Muscles that need energy don’t just dip into the nearest fat stores. It’s way more complicated than that. It’s sort of like thinking that any federal aid money Washington gets probably comes from Federal taxes paid by Oregon’s population.
Also, if you are skinny, replacing fat with muscle will require some crazy Natalie Portman’s Black Swan training/diet plan. Women don’t put on muscle or lose fat that easily.
Most likely scenario is that squatting will, over time, add muscle without removing fat such that it makes your butt a little bigger. You will not get a badonk out of it. That’s genetics.
You’re definitely gonna get a firmer, more shapely ass.
@140
BlackRose and shw3nn are right about the squats. I’d suggest going to a personal trainer, at least for a couple of sessions, so that you can find a workout and/or diet regiment that works for you. You can get a trainer at whatever local gym you use, and a couple of sessions shouldn’t break the bank–I use LA Fitness, and they have a free training session for new members. It really does make all the difference.
@126: It wouldn’t surprise me if the efficacy of anal as a birth control method depends heavily on position. In missionary, gravity will pull any post-coital semen leakage away from the vagina; in doggystyle, the opposite happens. Conception is already well-known to be at least somewhat position-dependent: women who get up immediately after sex and go to the bathroom have lower pregnancy rates than women who stay supine, tilt their hips back and wait a while.
It’s unfortunate that conventional portrayals of heterosexual anal sex are almost exclusively of the “grab your ankles” sort, because anal sex in missionary position has one hell of a lot to recommend it. Every woman I’ve been with has strongly preferred it both for physical and psychological reasons, to the point of being orgasmic in one position but not the other.
My advice on building up specific areas of your body is to add weights to what you’re doing. If you can do more than say 10 reps you’re building endurance not strength. You don’t need muscle mass for endurance.
Truthfully though try not to obsess. Accept instead. Is altering your body what you want to look back on as a major use of your time?
Another plus of muscle mass besides a higher metabolism is studies indicate that muscle mass improves your bodies immune response, helps maintain bone mass, and helps keep fat off of internal organs which us thought to be linked to certain cancers.
Exercise makes me feel lovely inside and out. Plus, I think hot, sweaty, and dirty is a wonderful way to be. Of course, the post workout chill is not pleasant.
Post-exercise you should be wrapping yourself with your man, Kim. That keeps the chill off and it’s one of the best times to do it.
Yes, briny is a good, Mr. J. Especially after dancing the Samba. Sadly he’s working when I come out of the studio. So, I must warm up with a shower, warm drink, and climb into/onto (sometimes I end up jumping around) bed with my bass and playin’ the blues. Today it’s slow blues, I’m playing along to T-Bone Walker’s “Stormy Monday Blues”. But, I’ll give him your suggestion, love.