I’m a straight man married to a bisexual lady, which is something I would recommend to all other straight men in the world. We’re in our late 20s, have been together for eight years, married four. (I know: too young and too soon, but we’ll see how it turns out.)
My wife has a much higher sex drive than I do, and she’s also into kink, as a domme. My fantasies are vanilla, but I’m GGG.
The problem, as I see it, is that she doesn’t initiate. She’s tied me up and spanked me a handful of times, and it was fine.
Could I have done something wrong? How do you get spanked wrong? When I’ve asked her, she says that it takes a lot of energy to top, which makes sense, but we’ve done plenty of other high-energy activities. Communication is excellent between us. How do we get past this?
Beaten Up Not
Nearly Enough
The issue, BUNNE, can be summed up in three little words: “it was fine.” For you, it was fine. Not great, not mind-blowing, not something you love and can’t live without. It was fine.
Some people into BDSM are content just to be indulged by their vanilla partners. But others are only interested in doing BDSM with other folks who are into BDSM. That’s because there’s a huge difference between tying up and spanking someone who’s into it—really into it—and tying up and spanking someone who is doing it for you, for love, and for GGG chits. If your wife has experienced the rush of dominating a simpatico submissive—the thrill of finding someone’s limits and pushing them, the charge that comes from knowing you’re making someone’s deepest, darkest fantasies a reality—then being indulged by her loving husband, who is more than willing to endure the odd spanking to maintain his GGG bona fides, simply isn’t going to cut it.
I’m a 50-year-old gay guy and I’ve always found anal to be painful. After trying it about six times over the past 30-plus years (only once to “completion”), I gave up. Recently I met a great guy who would like to try it, and though I love the body contact, the sweaty, panting excitement, and the idea of being penetrated, I’ve resisted. Are some guys not capable of standing the pain? The guys I’ve screwed over the years have enjoyed it. Any suggestions?
Gentleman Asking You, Anal Sex Sage
P.S. The library computers block Buck Angel.
Buttsex: Some folks just can’t take it, GAYASS, and you may be one of them. But you can have all the sweat, pants, and excitement of anal without the penetration. Just grease up his dick, grease up your inner thighs, clamp your thighs around his dick, and let him pound away. Extra credit: Reach down between your legs and cup your greasy hands together on the opposite side as he pseudofucks you from behind so that his dick, once it pokes through your thighs, still feels as though it’s “inside” something, even if that something isn’t your spun-glass ass.
My daughter is 14 years old and she has been searching on the internet for “sneezing fetish” information. She reads articles about it every day. She reads stories about sneezing (some with sexual acts in them!) and watches YouTube videos of people sneezing every day! Yes, she might be curious if she heard the term “sneezing fetish” from someone, but no normal person would search about it on the internet every day! How can anyone actually associate sneezing with sex—and she’s only 14! It makes me uncomfortable reading this stuff! Is this normal? I am so worried!
Worried Mom
Kinky people aren’t assigned their kinks during their freshman orientation sessions at university, WM, and no one has ever contracted a fetish—like a cold?—just because someone uttered the name of it aloud. (And no fetishist has ever been cured by Mom freaking out.) People tend to become aware of their kinks, and start scouring the web in search of information about them, right around puberty. Which means your daughter is perfectly normal—a perfectly normal, perfectly kinky kid.
Like lots of young kinksters, she may be consumed by her kink now; she’s just realized that she’s not alone, and she’s busily reading and viewing everything she can about it. It’s unlikely that her kink will remain so all-consuming, WM. Sooner or later she’ll relax about it, and relax into it, and one day she’ll have a very nice boyfriend—or girlfriend—who loves her enough to indulge her harmless kink or, better still, she’ll meet someone online she clicks with emotionally and intellectually who also shares her kink.
In the meantime, WM, if it makes you uncomfortable to read what your daughter is reading online, stop reading it.
I’m a 19-year-old heterosexual female. When I get a boyfriend, I get so nervous that I get physically sick. It makes dating very stressful and it feels like I can’t have a normal relationship because I have to think about not throwing up when I really just want to enjoy his company. I feel particularly sick when things start to heat up with a boy. Now I try to stay out of relationships because I don’t think anyone will want to deal with this problem. How can I help condition my way out of it? Should I see another shrink?
Nervous In Candlelight
Yes, NIC, see a shrink—and a pot dealer/medical marijuana provider.
I’ve been married to my amazing husband for 11 years. I’m straight and love being with two men at once and he’s bi so that makes for crazy-hot-fun times. We have all the kids we want, so he’s had a vasectomy. I’m still fertile but don’t want to end up pregnant by one of our thirds, so we’re taking every conceivable precaution. (See what I did there?) My question is this—if we’re performing oral on our third and he comes in my husband’s mouth and then my husband goes down on me, could I get pregnant via oral transfer?
Baby Shop Is Closed
There’s a famous case of a 15-year-old girl who was born without a vagina—but with everything else—who managed to get pregnant via oral sex. Well, via oral sex and a knife fight and a life-threatening wound that allowed the spermatozoa in the girl’s gut to swim into her uterus. This—according to a friend of a friend who knows someone who was there—is not an urban legend. In fact, the story appeared in a 1988 issue of the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology and bounced around the blogs for a few weeks last winter after a blogger at Discover unearthed it.
Anyway, BSIC, the moral of the story: Never say never. But provided your husband swallows and doesn’t gargle, and provided there isn’t any semen dribbling down his chin, I’d put your chances of getting pregnant under the circumstances you’ve described at pretty darn close to zero. (And not to ruin your day/three-way or anything, but you do know that vasectomies have a 1-in-2,000 failure rate, right? If you do get knocked up after one of those three-ways, BSIC, the bonus baby could still be your husband’s.)
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
anklysaur,
Thank you.
“And when we’re afraid, we sometimes run away. We avoid the source of fear, because fear is uncomfortable, fear hurts, fear makes you cry. Maybe it started for her as denial — if I pretend there’s nothing then maybe this will disappear… Then it became a habit. And on it goes, as a means to avoid pain.”
I’ve often seen this play out in life. But, it doesn’t prevent pain in the long haul. Avoiding it can smoother love though. Life hurts sometimes and we’re all walking wounded, but that simpily doesn’t justify using our fear to hurt others. It just doesn’t.
Take care.
Mr Ankylosaur – No, I was almost driven out of the conversation by part of #88:
“To observe a passionate person — especially, but not only, of the other sex — is one of the greatest experiences;”
Had you personalized that, it would not have bothered me, but I read it as an intended generalization of an unnecessarily heteronormative nature. Rather than derail the thread, I just took a break for the rest of the evening.
I’m glad we can agree about the Less Than concern. Perhaps it’s just because he’s the one who wrote in and he does seem a tad oblivious, but we could just as well wonder, if Mrs BUNNE has tied and spanked him a number of times and, “It was fine,” underwhelms her, how much responsibility does she bear for that?
So many people think it’s his job to educate himself or that she should be willing to accept that he’s trying to improve (if he is, which could be debated). But, if this were my novel, it might be interesting to arrange that while he’s busy worrying that there’s some secret to being spanked he’s supposed to figure out without asking her, she’s busy toning down her spanking interest because it’s not his forte.
Thanks for the suggestions, nocutename. My current cocktail includes wellbutrin. 🙂
All I have to say is its a good thing Dan is here to answer cause these people are not so smart.
I have no words for the questions this week. It sounds like the first week of summer for all the kids bored.
Mr BUNNEH – Ditto the thanks for checking in. It is always nice to get the extra feedback from an original LW, especially when there is much about which one must speculate, and it’s brave of most LWs to be willing to check in and respond.
@152 nocutename
If you reread 98 you’ll see it’s a correction that redirects the troll label to an actual troll, not you.
In another life I’d meet for that drink even with the plane ride. And I’d drag the lovely Mr. V with me if necessary, hopefully joining the mile high club on the way.
Oh, now I reread it and the numbering seems backwards. Huh. Maybe the correction is in error.
BSIC, According to “What to Expect Before You’re Expecting”, saliva is a pretty inhospitable environment for sperm. So, while I’m sure anything is possible, it’s fairly improbable that your husband could transfer lots of healthy swimmers to you.
“How can any normal person associate sneezing with sex?” – WM
Every time I fantasize for more than a couple of seconds I sneeze, not by choice, just happens. I still feel like I’m a fairly normal person.
(I actually use this to my advantage dislodging sneezes that get “stuck”)
@145: Being turned on by theoretical concepts can definitely be a kink. The idea of cuckolding is one good example… some people are turned on by the idea that they are in a cuckold relationship.
Another example is the idea of servitude or slavery: it’s common to be turned on by the thought that someone is your sex slave, there for you to use at some future time when you want.
Or, what about denial? Some people are turned on by the idea that they will be denied sex in the future.
So, it’s definitely possible to have a kink for a type of relationship, or for something theoretical, or for something that will or won’t happen in the future. Monogamy is no different: there are people who are specifically turned on by the idea of being in a monogamous relationship.
@127, 120: To be clear, I wasn’t saying that monogamy is *just* a kink. It is of course very complex. And I wasn’t saying that all monogamous people get turned on by it: I would guess most don’t get specifically turned on by the idea. But a kink — that is, being turned on by something — isn’t just for an act or a game. It can be important in figuring out how to have a satisfying relationship.
@128: I don’t agree that (b) is love: rather, I would say that love includes both passion and the desire to please (among other things).
As much as I love Heinlein, I can’t agree that love is that condition where another’s happiness is essential to one’s own: that sounds more like a sick codependency to me. If someone you love is unhappy, love means caring about them and trying to help them, not becoming unhappy as well.
As far as the passionate submissive you describe so well, that’s one type of passion. What I was thinking was a little different. Instead of hungering for the dominant’s passion, I was thinking of a submissive who hungers to please the dominant. The converse of this would be a dominant who wants a particular act, but is fine with someone submitting out of the desire to please, rather than needing a person to really want it as well. (nocutename said it well in #153.)
Basically, I sympathize with BUNNE. While I think it’s fair to want a particular act, it’s hardly a fair request to ask your partner to want it, crave it, or be passionate about it, as well as do it. It’s very frustrating to be told “It’s not enough that you do what I want, you have to want to do it as well,” because that’s not really something you can control.
My thoughts on this are biased by my own kinks — I want someone to please me even if they’re not into it — but it seems to me that *doing* a particular thing is all you can fairly ask a GGG partner to do, and you should be satisfied with that.
Mr. J,
Do you and Mr. Vennominon live in the same area?
I don’t know. I live in MA.
I have only been to North Adams and Boston. And had sex in some little graveyard at the Vermont/Ma border.
Loved Boston and would like to return–when I didn’t freeze to death!
@152/nocutename:
I don’t think Frederica meant to accuse you of trolling; if you look at #98, she apologized for accidentally typing your comment number (#60) explained that she meant to complain about #61, written by Professor, who happens to be the trolliest troll who ever did troll.
Long story short: you’re cool; Professor isn’t.
Thanks, echizen_kurage (@ 169)
But Frederica actually corrected directing her trolling comment to the Professor and redirected it to me.
@kim in portland,
You’re welcome! It’s a pleasure to read your opinions–they are usually so well balanced, well thought-out, caring and compassionate.
“I’ve often seen this play out in life. But, it doesn’t prevent pain in the long haul. Avoiding it can smoother love though. Life hurts sometimes and we’re all walking wounded, but that simpily doesn’t justify using our fear to hurt others. It just doesn’t.”
That is my biggest fear for this couple. The wife seems to be developing a certain anger against what her husband ‘could be doing’ (and now is doing), a resentment that she cannot express because she’s still trying to pretend nothing is happening and that only accumulates. And the husband feels very guilty of his escapades, and compensates by being extra attentive to her and her needs… while knowing inside that this situation is unfair to him. Which means he is also repressing bad/angry feelings.
So maybe love will be smothered there, if they don’t find a way of escaping this dynamics. A great pity, kim. They are wonderful people, warm and welcoming. Alas, this is apparently not enough to prevent people from falling into self-made traps. 🙁
@nocutename, Mr J, thanks for your comments! 🙂 It’s nice to be appreciated! 🙂
I don’t know as much about English literature as you and Mr Vennominon; but I did study Provençal and am moderately acquainted with medieval Provençal poetry (up to modern times, with Mistral and the Félibrige).
@151 (Mr. BUNNEH), thanks for the extra information on your situation! Looks like the communication between the two of you is good, and I’m glad to see you have nothing against your wife spanking others if the fancy strikes her.
You asked one question that I’ve been giving some thought to: if being willing isn’t (always) enough, what’s the point of being GGG?
That’s a fair question. I wonder what you think of the answer I sketched in a previous post, namely: there are things you can and can’t share. Languages are something I love with a passion I can’t really describe in less than a thousand words. My wife doesn’t love them at all. As a consequence, all language-related activities in my life are strictly my own, in my free time, and she’s never included. I go out to language courses (I’m learning Estonian now), I buy books and read them, I check out Internet sites in Estonian, listen to Estonian music, listen to Estonian news in Estonian… all by myself, without her being there at all.
I wished I could share this with her. It’s something deeply pleasurable to me, and the few times I was with someone who felt at least a little passion for languages the way I do… I can’t even begin to describe how wonderful that was. But my wife, alas, is not one of them, and never will be.
She also wishes she could share my passion. She wants me to be happy, and she wants to be a part of that happiness. She tried learning Sanskrit with me (a language she likes for other reasons: she loves Eastern philosphy). It didn’t work. So we stopped.
Perhaps, Mr BUNNEH, spanking and subbing is a little bit like this for you and her. And that’s all: no big catastrophe, no “I can’t make her happy”… just this specific activity is not for both of you.
You don’t have to satisfy every single sexual need your wife has; as long as you’re OK with her getting these needs satisfied somewhere else.
You share a sex life with her — the kind you described as being somewhat “silly” (ah! sex at its best is always funny and a little silly…). The two of you have that — and you can cherish it and enjoy it and let it grow and go wherever it will. You don’t have to force yourself to include everything — again, as long as it’s OK for her to get her other needs met elsewhere. Which apparently is OK with you.
Of course there’s the insecurity: but if I’m not the alpha and omega of sexuality for her… then maybe she’ll find someone who includes more, who can have the silly sex and also the spanking with her? And then leave me?
My experience in life is that every time we try to do something out of fear that someone will leave us if we don’t, we end up creating negative feelings in ourselves and in the person in question. And, since life is dangerous, in the end even doing what we think will allay our fears is also no guarantee. She might leave you even if you did it for her.
Life is dangerous. There is no guarantee that she won’t leave you someday. Or that you won’t leave her someday. Hell, there’s no guarantee either of you will be alive a month from today.
So I prefer to concentrate on being a good person for myself, not for others. My wife loves me for who I am; I try to be myself, which includes caring about her and her needs, not because I’m afraid of what might happen if I don’t, but because I’m interested in them. (That’s why I chose her as a life partner after all, right? I was interested in her, in her needs; they attracted me.) I’m attracted to her. I’m attracted to her needs. They turn me on. 😉
And I hope that that’s enough.
Does that make any sense to you, and your situation?
All the best!
@25
Savage Love shows up as the last result in a google search for Sneezing Fetish.
I think daughter and mother might have an awkward convo coming…
(I hope it ends up on the slog)
@165 (Ms BlackRose): perhaps choosing “love” as a label for (b) was not the best move. I needed a word to oppose to ‘passion’ and which still contained positive aspects and feelings; it wasn’t “lust” but it was “caring for”; a motivation for doing things one may personally not enjoy ‘for someone else’s sake’. “Love” felt like a comfortable label for that; but the word has so much meanings and significations… I’m open to a different suggestion of a label for (b) if you have one.
I think the happiness of loved ones is important to us — ‘essential’ may be a bit much; but if I love someone, then whether or not this person is happy must matter to me, and matter a lot; more than a friend’s would. If this is not the case, then I think what I feel for that person is not love. (In fact, in your view, how is a loved one different from a friend? After all, you certainly would also care about whether or not a friend was unhappy, and try to help them, wouldn’t you? Is it only a matter of instensity?)
Indeed the submissive hungers for the pleasure of the dominant, in all cases. But I don’t think that’s all (you may disagree, and I’d love to hear your take on it). It seems to me that if the submissive feels the dominant does not want his submission, that s/he does not actively want to be pleased, if s/he (his/h/er sexual self) is not feeding on that submission, then it is not really something sexual. If the dominant is merely pleased as she would be by a good waiter in a restaurant — i.e. a certain service has been performed well, to the dominant’s satisfaction –, then it would seem there is nothing sexual happening: just a service, a chore. In this case, the submissive actually becomes just an unpaid servant, not really a sex partner. That would strike me as unfair.
The submissive submits out of the desire to please — no denying about that. But there must be a spark coming from the dominant to the submissive: there must be a desire in the dominant for the submissive’s submission, an appreciation, an enjoyment (in their coded language) of the submissive’s submission, beyond the mere service that the submissive is rendering. If this spark, this ‘evil smile’, this ‘feeding’ is not there … then I think something vital is missing: lust, sex, that which makes the dominant-submissive relationship something very different from the relationship a lord has with his butler (even if the submissive fantasizes that s/he is the dominant’s butler).
I know this sounds a bit self-contradictory, and I’m not sure I’m expressing it well. Do you see the point, or should I try to reformulate?
Last, but not least — I also sympathize with BUNNE. He is doing nothing wrong; in fact he is doing everything right. Still, it may be the case that the absence of passion in his submission — the ‘lack of energy’ he alluded to in his comment here — makes it less enjoyable for his wife. Now, of course this is not something he can control, and of course it would be unfair to demand it — just as it would be unfair for me to demand that my wife enjoy foreign languages as much as I do. But this doesn’t change the fact (if indeed it is so) that this passion may be necessary, or at least important, for her enjoyment. It’s not a question of fairness or justice; it’s an empirical question about what is or isn’t necessary or important for her enjoyment. Just like some women need a lot of clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm, maybe some people need to feel their partner’s passion for them (‘he really lusts after me!’) to enjoy certain sex acts.
#164: @145: Being turned on by theoretical concepts can definitely be a kink. The idea of cuckolding is one good example… some people are turned on by the idea that they are in a cuckold relationship.
No, I get that. But not only is monogamy a theoretical concept, it’s a negative/passive concept: not sleeping with other people.
A person turned on by the idea of their partner fucking other people (or wearing high heels, or shitting in a diaper, or whatever) is aroused by the idea that their partner is doing something; a person with a monogamy kink would be aroused by their partner not doing something, and I don’t think that’s how brains work.
Going back to the example from my previous post, which concept makes more sense to you: that a person is turned on by their partner not flogging them and having no plans to flog them in the future, or that they just don’t like being flogged?
For that matter, if not-sleeping-with-other-people was a turn-on, monogamy fetishists would be mildly aroused all the time. Any time you interacted with another person and that person wasn’t actively fucking someone other than you or talking about fucking someone other than you, you’d get a bit of a thrill.
@176: I would assume the turn-on is the positive or active concept of having an exclusive relationship. The idea of having an exclusive relationship is more like having a cuckold, poly, or slave relationship — all of which are also concepts that turn people on — than it is like “not being flogged.” A monogamy fetishist would probably not be turned on by just having a conversation without an actual established monogamous relationship there.
I agree that it doesn’t really make sense to be turned on by not being flogged: that’s more likely to be a squick. However, you can certainly be turned on by a negative: that’s pretty much the whole point of orgasm denial fetishists, and cuckold fetishists may also get turned on by the idea that their wife is denying them.
To BUNNEH
1) Try taking up adrenaline sports with your wife. Rock climbing, parachuting, speedway racing,etc. Maybe with the external danger the bedroom scene will centre back on the need for intimate loving affirmation aka vanilla sex
“To yield readily – easily – to the persuasion of a friend is no merit with you.”
“To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either.”
The conversation just induced that little exchange to pop into my head.
I suppose that, given the wide range of preferences or even requirements in a kink for the participation level, reactions or status of an indulgent partner, it’s almost tempting to place a successful kinky-vanilla relationship on a par with Mr Darcy’s Accomplished Woman.
NIC needs to find someone with a vomit fetish. Problem solved!
“Sneezing fetish” definitely could be a prank on Mom, as others have noted. Or, if a serious search, not necessarily indicative of actually sharing that fetish. She could find it funny, interesting, or awful.
Other possibilities: Are there other people whose search histories would show up on their computer? Someone repeatedly sternuphilia-rolling the daughter (BEANS), hiding a link that is an Internet search query like google.com/search?q=%22sneezing+fetish%2…; ? (Incidentally – cans of Sterno are not snuff; I had to find out the hard way.)
Anyway, without bringing this particular search up, Mom might talk to her daughter about sex, the Internet, sex and the Internet, and Internet privacy sometime. Seems that she may not have, when she should have a long time ago.
Re Buttsex: I was a confirmed top for all the same reasons until at 58 I met my perfect man – also a confirmed top. With patience and experimenting with products (Anal Blu is the best) and cautious use of poppers, I am now a confirmed bottom. LOVE IT! Be patient and slow but the best is having an understanding partner.
If being near someone makes you feel like puking, there may be some toxic products on that person. We are putting toxic crap right on our skin a lot more than you think. Just search “toxic products” and see what comes up. And don’t put lavender on a boy.
@183: You don’t need to worry about lavender oil… there were only three cases reported of boys who grew breasts, and they happened to use very common products containing a small amount of oil. There’s never been an actual study done on lavender demonstrating a causal link.
“As the report states, breast growth in pre-pubertal boys is extremely uncommon, yet three cases are reported within a short period of time, and all in the same clinic. Considering that some 200 tonnes per annum are produced of both lavender and tea tree oil, that most of this goes into personal care products, and that very little of the evidence presented for these 3 cases is convincing, the press reports of caution are premature.
“No connection was established between the in vitro work and the three cases, and the case for tea tree oil having an effect on prepubertal gynecomastia is especially weak. Phytoestrogens generally have a very weak hormonal activity, and it is implausible that the amounts of essential oil that enter the body from product use would have a significant effect. Further research will hopefully clarify these issues.”
http://www.safbaby.com/can-lavender-oil-…
(Yes, it’s an aromatherapy site, which is complete nonsense, but the critique of that report is still valid.)
@175: Oh, I totally agree that if you love someone, their happiness matters to you. My point was just that it shouldn’t be essential to *your happiness.* In other words, it shouldn’t make you unhappy if they’re not. That doesn’t mean it can’t be extremely important to you.
This is somewhat of a pet peeve of mine because people frequently confuse unhappiness over someone with caring, or loving, or someone being important.
As far as what submissives enjoy, I’m not one, so it’s hard for me to fully understand. But I’m sure that there are many different ways of being submissive, ranging from simply wanting to please someone you care about or love, to feeding on the dominant energy and sparks and enjoyment of submission the way you describe, and anywhere in between.
I think the difference has a lot to do with an established relationship: if you do something for someone you don’t know well, it doesn’t mean the same as if you do it out of love, submission, or servitude for someone you have an established relationship with. The former is just doing something while the latter is part of an ongoing effort to please someone, and I think it’s the latter that communicates the spark and passion you describe. Does that make sense?
I don’t think I phrased my original point very well, so let me try to clarify: if a submissive is submitting only as type (b), doing a specific act because they want to please their partner, but the submission is part of a greater type (a) passion to please their partner, this could still please a dominant who craves the type (a) passion. In other words, I think that the passion can come from a relationship oriented towards wanting to serve and please, even if the submissive isn’t passionate about the specific act.
I also think that this dynamic, the passion being about the relationship rather than the specific act, doesn’t need to be limited to explicitly D/s relationships. For instance, if BUNNE’s wife really wanted sex, or spanking, and BUNNE agreed, BUNNE’s wife may be able to get the passion or spark she needs just from the fact that BUNNE is really passionate about pleasing her, being GGG in general, and so forth, rather than that passion needing to be expressed in that particular spanking.
Or, it might not be enough for her. You’re right that what people need isn’t always fair, and it isn’t always something a reasonable GGG person can provide, and in cases like this there may just be a fundamental incompatibility, as sad and frustrating as that is.
BUNNEH @ 151
Thanks for the response and clarification. I compliment your efforts. Asking for help is half the battle. I’m rooting for you and your wife!
Brilliant discussion. Thank you to everyone who engaged with my question on whether or how monogamy (or polyamory or other kinds of relationships) could be considered a “kink”. It has prompted me to think about how exactly monogamy makes me feel. Some days it does stem from lack of security, and then the resulting feeling is negative (I used the word “repulsed” before and some days it is like that). More frequently (most frequently… like, ALL DAY TODAY!) I get exceptionally turned on thinking specifically about my monogamous relationship. I get so hot knowing my guy and I are exclusively intimate with each other; thinking of him right now thinking of me and wanting to come home just to me has me getting too excited to type fancy thoughts. It has nothing to do with frequency, either, as we happily have sex once-twice/day (maybe more on weekends), initiate with similar frequency, and rarely turn each other down. So kink or squick?
Suppose you have another kind of kink. Could the thought of not having it (or the reality of losing it) freak you out enough so that it would be temporarily redefined as a squick? Monogamy, with all its abstractions, is a more complex situation of course, but for the sake of argument consider just any kink.
@187:
I get exceptionally turned on thinking specifically about my monogamous relationship. I get so hot knowing my guy and I are exclusively intimate with each other; thinking of him right now thinking of me and wanting to come home just to me has me getting too excited to type fancy thoughts.
Yeah, this sounds like a kink to me. It’s obviously something that turns you on specifically.
You can have a kink along with the corresponding squick, like in your case, monogamy is your kink and the thought of your partner having sex with someone else is the squick. And there are people who feel the exact opposite: for some people, their partner having sex with someone else is a turn-on, and the idea of monogamy is a turn-off.
This bullshit gets way too much attention. Have an opinion? Kill yourself.
Gape in awe at Santorum Tartare: you’ll froth at the mouth for it!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/2011…
NIC Oh honey. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Had that happen over and over and over and it started at about your age. It was unbelievably embarrasing. After YEARS and trying several different anti-depressants without helping, a nurse practicioner put me on a beta blocker. It’s a cheap (2 months supply for $8) little drug that a lot of professional musicians take to help them overcome stage fright. A very low dose of the beta blocker stopped the panic attacks and throwing up on my dates and stopped it the first time and it’s never happened since. It is prescription medicine, so you must ask your doctor or a nurse practicioner about it. Go TODAY and ask if a beta blocker might work for you.
Black Rose @105,
I’ve tried indica strains (organic, no less). I found it to be not as harsh as the usual commercially available sativa stuff, but it still did not make me feel good. You know how some people just really hate onions? They may find the onion less bad if it’s a milder type, or there’s less of it, but they still don’t like it. I’m like that with weed. Basically, a couple of modest tokes of an indica strain merely makes me feel paranoid and nervous and like I should go lie down for a while, as opposed to giving me a bad case of the spins and making me throw up, as I’ve had happen with the sativa dominant weed most people get. Because I so rarely smoke weed, I have wondered if this has more to do with my low tolerance than with me being somehow “different.” I don’t really care to attempt to build up a tolerance in order to find out, though.
@176 “which concept makes more sense to you: that a person is turned on by their partner not flogging them and having no plans to flog them in the future, or that they just don’t like being flogged?”
The latter makes more sense but, knowing what I know about human nature, I do not disallow for the former. I am sitting here imagining a person whose partner buys a flogger and ties their partner down and walks around with the flogger, talking about using it but not using it. Suddenly, it makes more sense to me as a fetish than something like blowing up balloons.
See, not only is it possible to me that not be flogged could be a kink, I think you could DO ‘not being flogged’.
“a person with a monogamy kink would be aroused by their partner not doing something, and I don’t think that’s how brains work.”
I disagree but, if it were true, it would be a problem easily solved. Think about your mate masturbating when he or she is horny and you are unavailable. You have a positive that actively implies a negative.
Totally agree with the answer to WM, but I think it was incomplete. May I add, there must be some stuff WM could do to lead her daughter’s kink to develop healthily and regretless, isn’t it?
Anal sex can be super painful but the thing to keep in mind is that if you are nervous or stressed your ass will be tighter =more pain. Stage fright could add to the pain factor. It might help to try using a dildo, a small one at first and work your way up to one that is bigger. Take it slow, use lots of lube and try to get some enjoyment out of the pain, because a certain amount of pain is inevitable. Also it can be a lot better on an empty stomach. Especially if you want to go deep. Best of luck, enjoy your fucks.
BlackRose, who wrote: I also think that this dynamic, the passion being about the relationship rather than the specific act, doesn’t need to be limited to explicitly D/s relationships. For instance, if BUNNE’s wife really wanted sex, or spanking, and BUNNE agreed, BUNNE’s wife may be able to get the passion or spark she needs just from the fact that BUNNE is really passionate about pleasing her, being GGG in general, and so forth, rather than that passion needing to be expressed in that particular spanking.
That is indeed an interesting question. I suppose there’s a whole typology of needs and desires (going way beyond mere submissive-dominant relations) and how they may seem to be alike (‘I need a spanking’) but may actually be different at a deeper level (‘I need a spaking from someone who is passionate about sexual spanking‘ vs. ‘I need a spanking from someone who is willing to do it out of love for me even though it does nothing for him/her‘.
My gut reaction — as far as I know there’s no theory on the topic — is that people will differ with respect to that much as they differ with respect to their kinks. Some people are specific (‘I need this act’), others are generic (‘I need the feeling any act of this kind — e.g., submission — gives me’); some people are intense (‘I need a lot of it’), others are less intense (‘I need a little bit of it’), etc. etc. etc.
This suggests to me that there are many, many ways in which people can differ, and if so, many, many ways in which they might not be fully compatible. This highlights again another one of Dan’s axioms, namely, that nobody gets 100% satisfaction, because whatever sexual elements inhabit one’s sex self, the odds are against all of these elements (or their necessary counterparts) being also found in the person you’re considering as a sex partner. In the end, it may even be that ‘sexual signatures’ — the details of what turns you on, and how exactly it turns you on — may be as personal as fingerprints.
Who knows? 🙂
Interesting discussion.
Bunneh: Have you tried any natural meds for depression? I was on lithium for 6 months for Bi-polar disorder and it completely killed my sex drive, and my personality. St. John’s wort is often used to treat depression, though it is not good for people who suffer from mania (like me). Also Kava kava can be good for treating anxiety and stress if you have any issues with that. You seem like a nice guy but maybe a bit tense. I grind up a teaspoon of kava kava root in a coffee grinder and simmer it in a cup of water for 5 minutes. It does wonders for my moods, makes me more chill. Also for helping your sex drive: cinnamon! Don’t underestimate the stuff. Chew on a cinnamon stick or use cinnamon in your food, you’ll thank me later. On the opposite end of the spectrum, licorice root is good for mellowing you out, but bad for sex drive.. unless you want to last longer and come slower. This is just stuff have learned from my own experiences, but well worth trying. Good luck with your lady, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself or on her. Sometimes being too analytical can put a damper on the natural flow of things, peace
@Hunter
that’s the most creative (and honest!) ‘older man’ pitch I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard a LOT.
still sums up why I don’t go for older men, but I have to hand it to you, still.
Long-time reader, first-time commenter. Great discussion this week!
@60/61/97/98 misunderstanding: 60 & 61 were posted at the same time, and for me, 60 is nocute’s, while 61 is Professor’s. It seems like this is a computer glitch, and that they are changing places because the timestamps are the same.
BUNNEH, I applaud you for responding in the comments, a rare thing to see! You seem to be making good efforts to include your wife’s kink in your sex life, and communicating with her about it is definitely the most important part.
I am a… I guess you could call it a semi-kinkster. I have engaged in, and thoroughly enjoyed, BDSM, both topping and bottoming, and yet can have a fulfilling sex life without it. There have been some great suggestions already given, and I’ve thought of a few more that you might find helpful:
1. Read some of the BDSM how-to books out there. The lover that I shared my first scenes with gave me Janet W. Hardy & Dossie Easton’s The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book. I thought they were great, though I haven’t read any others.
2. Have you gotten a comprehensive list from your wife of all of the activities that really get her hot? Maybe there is something in that list that REALLY WILL do something for you, too 🙂 As others have suggested, explore, explore, explore. There are many different activities that fall under the BDSM umbrella, there may be one (or several!) that is/are just right for both of you.
3. It does take a lot of energy to do a scene, especially if the top is one for pre-planning (like I am). But, BDSM DOESN’T HAVE TO BE CONFINED TO SCENES. There are many degrees & forms of BDSM, and some can be spontaneously included in any sexual encounter. And, counter-intuitive as it may seem, the sub can even initiate! If you are already having sex, and she is on top, you could put your hands over your head, wrists together, and sweetly ask if she would pin your wrists to the bed. You could walk up to her when nothing sexual is happening, eyes downcast, shameful look on your face, and say “Mistress, I’ve been naughty; I deserve a spanking.” If you indicate a desire to submit, her desire to dominate just might be activated.
4. I have realized that I unintentionally lied when I said I could have a fulfilling sex life without BDSM… there is one thing that falls under that umbrella that I could not do without, nipple-tweaking. I mean hard tweaking. And, I have had a lover who wasn’t really into BDSM in general, and didn’t like being spanked, but who got really hot when I tweaked his nipples hard. Others haven’t. But, if your nipples are erogenous zones for you to begin with, you could ask your wife to try tweaking them. As with many pain-inducing acts, it is best to start softer, and increase the intensity as you go. If you find you like it, it could be a nice little outlet for her inner-masochist.
I wish you the best of luck; you seem to be on the right track!
Dear NIC, I really feel for you though my situation is a little different – I too am not able to have sex at the moment – any moves in that direction and I freeze in panic and it is totally out of the question. At some point I started to regain memories of having been raped as a toddler, and it’s clear that my panic is a kind of PTSD from that event. It was a great relief to get a reason and a diagnosis! I am currently working with a great therapist and things are improving slowly. I think Dan’s suggestion to see a therapist is right on – I’d suggest someone who specializes in working with trauma, just in case you have some kind of sexual abuse trauma that you don’t yet know about. I wish you all the very best – hang in there, you are not alone.
oops, getting tired, should’ve been “inner-sadist.”
Oh yeah Bunneh, I should have added in my post at 198 that St. John’s wort is a powerful plant and that before (and if) you decide to take it you might want to talk to your doctor. It has interactions with many anti depressants and also has negative effects with methadone and cocaine. I have heard that taking cocaine while taking st. John’s wort can kill you.. I don’t know for sure. But I can tell you for sure that it interacts very badly with methadone. Just a heads up, never underestimate the power of plants. Also about the marijuana suggestion in regards to NIC: I was pretty hooked on weed for 7 years and my excuse being that it helped my insomnia and social anxiety. Once I quit I realized that I was better off without it. I used to smoke daily and it was a preoccupation of mine. It’s good to have something to help you chill out, but chamomile and valerian can do just as much for a person as smoking weed can for others. Just my opinion.
St. John’s Wort: I personally loved it. But it interacts with the pill so I had to stop taking it. It’s really nice though.
Oh yeah BUNNEH one last thing: don’t ever take kava kava and alcohol at the same time. It is really bad for your liver.