Hey, everybody: two things…

First: Last week, the GOP officially “denounced” me. The nation is at peace, Americans are going back to work, and the climate situation is completely under control—so, hey, why not go after the gay dude who writes that smutty sex column and gives Rick Santorum fits?

Second: Last week, a Savage Love reader denounced me for failing to devote any recent column inches to my readers’ titillating anecdotes. As I hate disappointing a reader, I invited folks to send in their dirty/sexy vacation stories. Here’s the best of the bunch.

I was 15 and on vacation in Cape Cod. Beaches never did anything for me, so I excused myself to go back to the hotel. On my way, I ran into another teenager, a girl. I struck up a conversation and was surprised to hear her answer in a British accent. Like myself, she was bored as hell. I invited her to my hotel room to get high. I make my move, which she goes along with. We’re both naked when I get an awful idea that would make any sane and sober girl run screaming for the hills. Being young and ripped, I vocalize it without considering the outcome: “What if you pretend to be Hermione Granger?” This was about the time of the fourth movie release, and I had a big crush on Emma Watson. As soon as the words left my lips, I knew that I wasn’t getting laid that day. But I got laid that day.

The Wander Years

Seven years ago, we went to a wedding. Upon arrival, my girlfriend and I found ourselves in the quaintest, daintiest, lace-doiliest B&B we’d ever seen. The wedding was a wonderful affair held in a historic building. By the time the two of us returned to the B&B, we were drunk, happy, and horny. If I had been reading Savage Love back then, I would’ve known that we were breaking all the anal sex rules: It had been a first-date activity for us, we never took it slow, and we never used lots of lube. It had always worked before. This time, however, was different. With her on all fours on the lace doily bedspread, I pulled back and noticed what could not be described as santorum (no lube, just fecal matter). We immediately headed for the shower with her exclaiming loudly how much she “hates when there’s shit!” We got clean. The sheets were a different story. I can’t remember whether we left them there or stole them, but I do remember the chilly farewell we received from the lady who ran the place. It occurred to me then just how nonsoundproof the walls of a 150-year-old clapboard house probably are.

That Comes From There?

I was 19. He was older and married. We were both in Utah for a folk-dancing event. He and his wife were nonmonogamous—in the open way, not in the (sometimes creepy) Mormon way. His wife wasn’t interested in playing with me, so he and I fucked in the back of his truck while she folk-danced at the folk festival I’d traveled to frickin’ Utah to attend. The next day, he drove me the hour back to their house in Salt Lake City so we could fuck some more.

The next time we ran into each other was at yet another folk festival. We found an unused second-floor room in one of the buildings and used a piano to barricade the door. We left the window open for ventilation, and so that our vocalizations could rain down on the heads of the innocent Seattleites going about their folk festival business.

Frickin’ Utah

I’m a bi male, 25, and into bondage. Four years ago, I responded to the personal ad of a reasonably attractive French guy with an unreasonably amazing dungeon. I sent pictures and said I’d love to spend a weekend in his dungeon if I ever made it over. He offered to pay for a plane ticket if I would spend a week in his dungeon. After doing Christmas and NYE with the family, I headed to Paris for the last week of my winter break. Within 48 hours, I was begging him to let me out. He agreed to let me go if I still wanted out in two hours. But the bondage was “only real now” that I wanted out, he said in his sexy French accent, and he told me—while slowly stroking my dick—that I was beautiful and brave and strong and that I could get through the week. Which is what I did. On my last night in Paris, he took me to an expensive restaurant, ordered a bottle of champagne, and toasted my bravery and strength.

Best Week Ever

About 10 years ago, when I was 15, my very lenient parents took me and two of my girlfriends to one of those all-inclusive resorts in Mexico. We partied and drank with some nice Mexican boys we met on the beach. On our final night, we all downed a bunch of flaming shots. Long story short: I ended up falling through a second-story window and cutting my head pretty badly, one of my girlfriends and I got into a drunken fistfight (I still have no idea about what), and then I lost my virginity on the beach to one of those nice Mexican boys. I woke up the next morning with a hangover, drunken shits, and a pussy full of sand. The plane ride back was miserable… but, oh, what a memory.

Good Times

In the Provincetown dunes, my BF and I met another couple with the same first names as ours. They invited us to their campsite later that night. That’s when I learned four is the tangle threshold—four bodies can literally get so tangled you have to stop to undo yourselves. They had a little propane lamp, and as we were leaving, we could see their shadows from outside the tent—meaning we had just done a four-way shadow show for everyone in the campsite.

Rob #2

I have just returned from vacation—or “holiday,” as we say in the UK—so here goes: My boyfriend and I both love hiking, so off we went to the Lake District, one of the prettiest walking regions in the country. The highest mountain in England, Scafell Pike, is there, so of course we had to climb it, just like pretty much every other tourist. What most of them don’t do is attempt the two-hour ridge traverse to reach the top of the second highest mountain in England, Scafell. We did. Whereas Scafell Pike had been so crowded there was no space for us to sit and have lunch, Scafell was deserted. I’ve always had a kink for outdoor sex, and it seems he has a fetish for mountain scenery, because we had possibly the best sex we’ve ever had on top of that mountain, enjoying spectacular views of the gorgeous English countryside. There is nothing like being fucked while staring out at the landscape that inspired the poetry of Wordsworth and Coleridge!

Climber Loves Impulsive Fell Fucking

Thanks for sharing, vacationers. Your regularly scheduled sex advice returns next week—now go Google “santorum,” everybody.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

70 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. My most memorable sexcapade was doing it in the back of a blazer in the parking lot of a Christian bookstore. At sunrise, so it was bright as hell. Which is where I’ll end up if that whole jesus thing turns out to be true.

    Then I gave him head in the middle of a hiking path. Ahh, youth.

  2. After about five years of webcam play my online friend from Amsterdam announced that he’d be in L.A. on holiday and we could finally meet in person. A few days later I headed over to his room at a local gay resort and within a half hour found myself blindfolded naked with wrists tied to the headboard and ankles tied to the legs of the bed as he said “Bye!” and walked out leaving the door wide open. After about a half hour of trying to decide if this was the dumbest or hottest thing I’d ever done I heard voices in the hall and then a strange voice exclaim “shit–you weren’t kidding!” as my Dutch friend’s newly-met hot tub trick started touching me and driving me crazy. Alas, within ten minutes our third man loudly shot his load off thanks to some oral stimulation from Mr. Amsterdam, then grabbed his clothes and left without my ever having seen him. Following a few more hours of intense fun we got online and invited over a hot 18 year old Latin boy who kept us busy until noon the next day.

  4. These were great! Now that I’ve Googled ‘santorum’ though…I don’t think I will be inspired to take a go at anal sex ever Ever again.

  6. No more taking advice from anyone…do your thing, Dan!! this was a little disappointing..but glad it’s outta the way. Now on to the good stuff…pls 😀

  7. I’m not sure how much of a triumph the following is, considering that I was a hot 27-year-old girl at the time, but, back in the day, my roommate and I went to a small European city to catch a U.S. indie rock band on tour, a member of which she was sleeping with. We got there a few days ahead of time and I decided to try to hook up with someone new every night we were there. First night I made out with a Spanish chick who spoke no English at a lesbian club. Second night I did the doorway thing with some English tourist I met at an Irish bar. I would not recognize him if he were sitting on my lap right now, but I sort of remember the guy my roommate made friends with that night. But she denies he was wearing a poncho. The third night the band got there and I found me my very own band-member. And discovered that the doormen at Spanish hostels do not take kindly to drunk girls bringing rock stars back at 4a.m. We got kicked out, but thankfully the guys had hotel rooms and we were going home that day…. Ah, youth.

  8. أنا رجل مثلي الجنس. كان لي عظيم حقا الزوجين الأولى من التواريخ مع الرجل، وذلك لموعد الثالثة لي دعاه الى البقاء أكثر. شاهدنا طبخت عشاء لطيف ، فيلم ، وكان لدينا الوقت جميلة في السرير معا. في الصباح، كان لدينا آخر مرح. عند نقطة واحدة، وكان حواف لي ، وبشكل غير متوقع ، عن غير قصد، وأنا في فمه قليلا. وكان رد فعل له على غرار ما كان من الألغام على طول خطوط محاولة للاعتذار من خلال الضحك يمكن السيطرة عليها. قلت ، وسحبت منه في لتقبيل لي ، وأنهينا مع ما اعتقدت أنه الاحراج الحد الأدنى.

  9. I don’t understand why “The Wander Years” was/is under the impression that asking a girl to pretend to be Hermione Granger is somehow a bad thing that would result in his not getting laid. If I were the girl, I would say, “Oh, yes! Great idea! And you can be Professor Snape!!”
    Sounds like awesome fun to me. And as “TWY” noted, he DID get laid. So I really don’t understand why he would think those words would send any “sane and sober” girl running for the hills….?

  11. Being noticed by the GOP is a good bit of free publicity, congratulations. One small note of discord — we are not yet at peace. We are fighting two and a half wars.

    Nick

  12. @76 Very true. There’s almost too many geek sex jokes on tv. Though I still giggle at the “That 70s Show” episode where the main couple tried Star Wars role playing and ended up being seen by the guy’s parents.

  13. @75 you must not read Savage much… it’s called facetiousness; Dan indulges quite often. Only ONE note of ‘discord,’ huh? Because the rest of that sentence is completely true!

    (hint: that was more facetiousness, a.k.a. sarcasm)

  14. Aw, don’t worry, mygash, you’ll find someone to roleplay as Severus for you!
    I must be a total geek ’cause I know lots of people who think roleplay is fun.

  15. Really? These are the best stories your readers could come up with (including the ones in the comments)? Here’s a story. I got divorced in my 30s and spent the next 10 years screwing anything in a skirt (including a former novice nun, incidentally). Since I worked 12 hours a day, a lot of the screwees were coworkers. One (call her Elaine, to pick a random name) was particularly memorable. It all started when Elaine stuck her head in my office door and said that a group was going to the bar next door after work and did I want to come along? Of course. Well, the “group” turned out to be Elaine and one other woman, who had to leave to catch her bus after the first drink. It was a total set-up. So it was just Elaine and I drinking for the next several hours. By then, our fingers were intertwined under the table and when I walked her back to the parking garage, my arm was around her. Without speaking, she turned, wrapped her arms around my neck and put her lips on mine. After a long, wet kiss, she broke off and whispered in my ear, “I want to suck your cock.” Needless to say, within minutes we were in the back seat of her car, stripping off each other’s clothes and having a lusty fuck. In the ensuing 5 years, we fucked just about everywhere we could think of — in parking garages, back alleys, behind the dumpster in back of the bar, on the canal path that runs through the center of the city. We once managed to get into a shopping mall after hours and fucked behing a pillar while the night watchman made his rounds… In the middle of those five years, I got married — and not to Elaine. But that didn’t keep us from fucking. I probably fucked Elaine the week before my wedding and the week after I got back from my honeymoon. My wife had a job that required her to travel out of town nearly every week, so on nights when she was out of town, Elaine would come over to my house and we would fuck in the bed I shared with my wife. Elaine and I only broke up when my wife and I had our first child. That was 15 years ago, but I still fantasize about Elaine. Yeah, I know — I’m a dirty scuzzball. But it was a lot of fun. And its a hell of a lot better story than anything in this week’s column.

  17. @80 – Really, you’re going to rip on the other stories and then proceed to tell the single most boring sex story on the entire internet? You honestly believe that your banal yawnfest about having sex with a co-worker is “a hell of a lot better story than anything in this week’s column.” Seriously? You think that? Guess you had to have been there.

  18. Glad I could give you a rise, cockyballsup!
    I recall one of our trysts which qualifies as vacation sex, albeit pretty tame. We had gone on a family camping trip but my dad couldn’t be there for the first night. I had to use my full powers of persuasion to convice my two younger half brothers that sleeping in a tent was way cooler than sleeping in the camper with thier mom and I. I wasn’t allowed to sleep in her bed for fear of the siblings coming in but I did make several trips under her covers that night.
    A good portion of my late teens was spent schemeing a way to get my stepmom alone!
    Incidently, no one ever found out, family is still together, stepmom and I have been platonic for nearly 20 yrs (although I still often fantasize about her and I taking a vacation together).

  20. Hi wonderwoman.

    Stepmom is sixteen years my senior. She had a rockin’ body in her late 20’s/ early 30’s (still pretty good looking I might add) which I pined for obsessively. She wasn’t particularly modest so I often saw her naked. I think what really made me want her though (aside from all the usual reasons) was the few times I overheard her and my dad having sex – I wanted to make her make those sounds!! And I did hee hee 😉

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