I’m unemployed in Oregon and trying to come up with simple ways to make rent. My dear wife and I would like your opinion on the legality of selling my teenage son’s sweaty gym clothes online. It sounds rather skeezy, I realize, and I’m only half-joking here. If we had a nonsexual website with pictures that weren’t necessarily of my son, would that be buffer enough? Would this be seen as me whoring out the boy? He’s up for it—as long as he gets his cut—but could I go to jail for this? He is 14.
Pimpin’ Out Real Teen’s Leftover, Acrid, Nasty Duds
Speaking parent-to-parent, PORTLAND, informing your 14-year-old son that there are perverts all over the internet who would be willing to pay him for his sweaty gym clothes wasn’t the best idea. Whatever you ultimately decide to do with his sweaty jocks, shorts, and T-shirts—and I vote for tossing them in the wash—dangling the money your son could make catering to the desires of online pervs in front of him might inspire him to go into business for himself, whatever you decide to do. So keep an eye on his internet usage, okay? As for the legal issues…
“Selling a physical property—sweat—might be an issue,” said Chris O’Connor, a public defender in Portland, Oregon. “Also, he could be [charged with] fraud and misrepresentation for selling clothing he says is his 14-year-old son’s but isn’t.”
Even if no dissatisfied customers go running to the chamber of commerce, PORTLAND, there are other potential problems. For instance, as your son’s sweaty gym clothes make their way from his bedroom floor to the hands of underpants-huffing pervs all over the world, some items would travel—via US mail or UPS or FedEx—through different jurisdictions. While there may not be a statute in Oregon that you could be prosecuted under for selling his undies, Mississippi or Illinois or Vatican City “may have specific laws, too,” says O’Connor, laws that you could be violating.
The biggest potential problem: Underpants huffers wanna know exactly whose underpants they’re huffing. That means you’ll have to include pictures and biographical info on your website, PORTLAND, and involving a minor—even a fake/buffer one—in what many police officers, district attorneys, judges, and some sex-advice columnists see as a kind of gateway sex work will quickly add arrest, prosecution, incarceration, crushing legal bills, and a lifetime on a sex-offender registry to your current troubles. Even if the authorities can’t point to a particular law that criminalizes your home business, they’ll find something to charge you with.
I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, PORTLAND, but I think you should come up with another way to make rent.
Six months ago, my 17-year-old son told me that he was seeing [insert male name]. No biggie. What troubles me: My son and his boyfriend are “furries” and open about it. The boyfriend is 18 and sweet, but he’s clearly the more dominant one. I’m worried that my son may not know how to say no to him. Adding to my concerns: I found a dog collar in the kitchen with an engraved tag with my son’s name on it. Dog collars seem like a heavy activity for a lad, Dan, and today I noticed a bruise on his throat that’s the size of a collar buckle. How do I ensure he is exploring safely without freaking him out?
Why This Fetish?
Go ahead and freak him out, WTF.
Your son is being open with you about his sexuality—openly gay, openly furred, openly collared—and you shouldn’t hesitate to be open about your concerns. You won’t be able to talk him out of his kinks, WTF, if they’re his kinks (and not, say, a teenage affectation), so focus on the issues: power dynamics and sexual safety. Tell him it’s important that he be able to say no to his boyfriend, and let him know that you’re there for him if he has questions or concerns or needs a sounding board. Then ask him about the bruise on his neck. Dog collars are harmless—lots of kids and kinksters wear ’em—but if he and his boyfriend are playing choking games with that collar, and that’s where the bruise came from, that’s a very dangerous activity and it has to stop immediately.
In your shoes, WTF, I would bark at the boyfriend about that bruise, too. Furry, schmurry. It’s erotic asphyxiation that you should be worried about.
A friend of mine came out as asexual this week on his blog. A couple of questions:
1. Part of me wonders if this is a “real” orientation. Is this the result of some sort of trauma or psychological stuff that could potentially be dealt with through a therapist? I realize that sounds close to the whole “ex-gay therapy” thing, and of course I don’t want to go down that path, but I guess it’s just hard for me to understand how someone can’t form a sexual connection with another person and still be 100 percent okay psychologically.
2. How do I react the next time I see this friend? Not sure about the etiquette.
Does LGBT Need An “A”?
1. Asexuality, according to asexuals and the people who love (but don’t fuck) ’em, is a real sexual orientation… or lack thereof. Usually. Because, you see, some asexuals do “experience attraction,” according to Asexuality Visibility Network (www.asexuality.org), “[but] feel no need to act out that attraction sexually.” So it’s an orientation. Or a disorientation. Or something. But whatever it is, it’s for real.
“I’ve been where your friend is,” says David Jay, the founder of Asexuality Visibility Network. “He wouldn’t have come out without spending a lot of time mulling it over, so respect that he’s done a lot more thinking about this than you have. If he identifies as asexual or anything in the big wide spectrum, you should respect that, period.”
First, I agree 100 percent with Jay. Second, it’s entirely possible that your friend isn’t really asexual, just as it’s possible that I’m not really gay and Marcus Bachmann isn’t really straight. Your friend may have decided to identify as asexual because he can’t deal with his sexuality or wants to opt out because he finds the games required exhausting. Or he may actually be asexual. Whichever it is, you’re not the sexual identity police. So long as your friend isn’t externalizing an internal conflict and making other people miserable in the process—à la Marcus Bachmann—your friend doesn’t need to be confronted or rescued. (And for the record: No one is “100 percent okay psychologically,” and not everyone needs sex and/or a romantic relationship to feel content and enjoy life.)
2. “Hey, how’s it going.”
“Good, man, you?”
“Good. Did you see Rise of the Planet of the Apes?”
“Yeah—terrible.”
“And James Franco was never shirtless—what’s up with that?”
“You know, if you need tits with your science fiction, you should check out Misfits on Hulu. It’s like Lost before it went to shit. And it’s got tits—lots and lots of tits.”
“I’ll check it out—and, hey, I saw that blog post about you ID’ing as asexual. If that’s something you want to talk about, I’d love to learn more. But if it’s not something you want to talk about, we can talk about other shit.”
I don’t think it’s ethical to put up a picture of someone else’s 14 year old your site. Maybe a picture of yourself at 14, but nothing else passes the ethical sniff test.
@43:
There were 4 Republican state senators in NY who voted for the gay marriage bill, so maybe they don’t all hate gays.
@43:
There were 4 republican state senators in NY who voted for the gay marriage bill, and it couldn’t have passed without them, so maybe they don’t all hate gays.
As a fiscal conservative + social liberal, I get tired of hearing about how voting for Republicans = hating gays. At least Ron Paul and Gary Johnson have said they would allow states to legalize it if they want.
I haven’t heard a lot of high-profile gay marriage support from Obama or other prominent Democrats or the party as a whole. They don’t campaign against it either, but that’s how they sucker everyone.
Face it, mainstream politicians of either party are hostile to gays and marijuana. If you want to vote for Democrats for other reasons, fine, but admit that vote is just as anti-gay as a Republican vote it.
@23: yes.
Savage Love: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.x…
Slog: Savage Love: http://slog.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.…
@57 – so, as a fiscal conservative, who are your favorite politicians at the national level today?
@ 55 – Gee, FOUR of them! Out of a total of…?
You’re right, maybe they don’t ALL hate the gays… But the overwhelming majority do.
Besides, as some rich NY businessmen had already stated their support for gay marriage, it might also just have been a business decision for those senators. Don’t want to lose those precious campaign funds!
@57 I’m sorry but…no. That is absolutely not the case. Are democrats guilty of not fighting hard enough for equality? Absolutely, we can agree on that for sure. But their indifference does not even come close to the Republicans balls-to-the-wall-out-and-out attack on gay people! The Dems are culpable, I agree. But you cannot possibly be suggesting that these two evils are the same! Can you??
Unfortunately, when it comes to making a choice in politics these days, the choice is usually between the lesser of two evils. Does that suck? Yeah, but it doesn’t make the choice any less important.
@59 – Rand and Ron Paul at least qualify as fiscally conservative, and for my social liberal side they stand up for the 4th Amendment. Ron preaches against the drug war as well as all our current foreign wars. And they have actually operated and voted consistently with what they say. There are other issues I’m not so comfortable with them on and they’re not perfect.
@61 – “Republicans balls-to-the-wall-out-and-out attack on gay people!”
There aren’t many Democrats at the Santorum level, but they do not give a shit about equality. Also consider I never claimed to be a single-issue voter and often don’t vote at all.
re: Portland, what i find weird is that he wants to use his REAL son’s stuff and that he TOLD his son his plans.
if he’s so broke, he could have easily created a fake son with a fake bio and fake photos (photos easily purchased from many online stock photo sites that let u use the photos legally.) then go out to fucking TJ Maxx or Walmart or any other cheap clothing emporium and buy teenage sized gym clothes, jock, undies etc, put them on yourself and go jogging around Porland’s lovely riverwalk – you’ll not only sweat but get a nice work out as well, douchbag. And then sell them on ebay or what ever place you can, using fake son as bait.
I agree with other posters, he’s got a thing for the son, and this is a way sublimate his sexual feelings for his boy.
AND LASTLY MOM…. if you’re reading this, you better have a REAL direct talk with you husband and find out his real intentions and then have a heart to heart talk to your son and see if three has been any inappropriate funny stuff between him and his dad.
@61 – Let me rephrase: you are correct when it comes to their rhetoric, the Republicans are worse when chasing after the ignorant old people vote. As far as what they actually do in office and their voting record, the difference becomes marginal. This is not unique to gay issues.
also agree this maybe a hoax.
I have to say, it’s nice to get some good ol’-fashioned weird sexuality back into Savage Love. The mushy relationship stuff gets kind of boring.
*sigh*
okay, here goes…
@42
yes, that’s why I said “traditionally”. I did not say “that’s the only place I’ve ever had/given a hickey”.
@EricaP
yup. I was just trying to say that just because she’s concerned doesn’t make her closeminded. Not everyone is super-initiated to Dan’s Magical Mystery Tour of kink (I’ve been reading his column for years, and had lots of kinky/poly/nontraditional friends when I was younger, several of whom I’m still in various degrees of contact with today) and we should give people credit, and the chance to be open minded and not pounce on any sign of hesitation or relunctance as some kind of hidden bigotry. I’m not talking so much as you in specific, more the tone of a lot of people’s answers to things in general.
@Mr. J.
Seriously? Needlessly obtuse.
“Hey do you want to have sex with prepubescent girls? Because it seems like you might.” is a question I might ask such a partner.
Oh
@49 star,
I believe ears stretched under a 00 will return back to normal after the gauges are taken out. If you don’t know: gauges indicate smaller thickness with larger numbers, so I think your traditional earring post is about 14 or 16 gauge if I’m not mistaken. A 00 and above usually doesn’t return to normal but if the person really wants I think there’s a little procedure that will restore the lobes.
I’ve never stretched my ears and have no interest but I think mildly stretched ones can be kind of cute.
I have no tattoos but I think they can be nice on other people. Though the idea of putting on what is essentially a fashion accessory that you can’t take off seems foolish to me. “I’m going to love this (slapbracelet/tamagotchi/moodring/pair of mchammer pants) FOREVAR!” Tattoos almost always date people. I can usually tell how old someone is by looking at their tattoo, estimating what year it’s from and then assuming they were in their late teens or early twenties around then. :p
Only non-ear peircing I ever got was my tongue, and that generally doesn’t even scar when it gets taken out.
Your friend may have decided to identify as asexual because he wants to opt out because he finds the games required exhausting.
And if that’s the case, it’s a perfectly valid lifestyle choice. Not every self-identified asexual is someone who has never gotten laid, or couldn’t. Some of them have, and could, but have decided that the returns yielded just don’t justify the cost of time, energy, and resources. Some people gave sex and romantic relationships the old college try, found them ultimatley overrated, and decided that their time, energy, and resources were better allocated elsewhere.
Maybe, as a certain popular web-based critic phrased it, “I can still see the appeal of emptying …
Maybe, as a certain popular web-based critic phrased it, “I can still see the appeal of emptying one’s grubby little speed bag. I’m just lost on why it’s so important that you catch the residue in another person’s organic waste paper basket.”
@71
I read his whole post.
While your comment that “Some of them have, and could” is likely true of many asexuals, I doubt it’s true of him in particular. He sounds pretty insufferable.
In reference to that direct quote, I have to give you my favourite comparison.
The idea that sex is akin to masturbation is absolutely insane to me. But that’s just personal perspective.
Do you remember in Pulp Fiction, when John Travolta’s character is trying to convince Samuel Jackson’s character that a footrub is akin to oral sex? And he says ‘it’s not the same thing!’ and Travolta’s character replies ‘it’s not the same thing, but it’s at least the same ballpark.’
I believe his response is “it’s not the same ballpark, it’s not even the same SPORT”.
That is how I feel about sex and masturbation.
Alright, I’m not condoning PORTLAND’s behavior at all. Engaging in anything that could be seen as child pornography is seriously icky and not at all a good idea. But, we don’t know how this whole conversation came about. I highly doubt that the first time they were having trouble making rent the goto solution was selling Jr’s underwear. My first thought on the subject was that Jr probably thought of it. He saw that episode of Law and Order or he heard some friends talking about a website and mentioned it because he knew mom and dad were having some financial troubles. After that its not hard to believe that PORTLAND’s response was, “no, no we could never…wait, we could get how much money?” I could just be making up excuses because I don’t want to believe that any parent could be that despicable. But I do think before we draw and quarter PORTLAND we should consider how this whole thing came about.
FINALLY! A return to the good old “Damn, you’re a hot mess!” pervs we all remember and love from your columns of yesteryear. You’re a gentleman and a scholar, Dan, and if you keep this up you’ll have droves of new readers beating a path to your door.
@66: Exactly!
@33: Yeah, I finally managed to get to it from a link in the “most commented articles” list on the side of the page, but apparently when Dan titles his column with a web address, there’s no normal way to get to that column. Is there a place to file a bug report about that? Anyway, here’s the link: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag… It’s the column with the title “www.humpseattle.com” that starts “I went to Craigslist to look…”
Trying again:
thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=9…
That’s “/seattle/SavageLove?oid=9539475”, in case it truncates.
@63: Excellent point: he should use his own underwear and pretend that they’re his son’s. He was clear about not wanting to use his son’s actual name and picture.
@67: Huh? So if someone wants to engage in rape fantasies, would you ask if they actually want to rape someone? Or if someone wants to engage in consensual BDSM, would you ask if they actually want to beat up someone nonconsensually?
People often want all sorts of fantasies that they think are wrong or wouldn’t do in real life. And the age play you describe is pretty common and tame.
Thanks for another spot on column, Dan!
Points well taken.
I’ve got it: LW posts pictures of himself at age 14, and sells drawers that he’s soiling now, with his nasty, hairy, middle-aged man body. Throw a little ‘rhoid blood in there, and the perverts can let their imaginations run wild.
@76 BlackRose
Thanks for your response to @67.
Just as people who are into bestiality get drummed out of furry society (see above), so too do pedophiles get drummed out of adult baby/age play circles. And not just drummed out but reported to the authorities.
@79: You mean child molesters and abusers get drummed out, don’t you? Though the word is frequently abused and used as an insult, ‘pedophile’ just means anyone who is turned on by the idea of age play, which is pretty common. Age play is a consensual way to enact fantasies. That doesn’t mean they would actually molest a kid.
The letter from PORTLAND is fake fake fake!
@78: Sorry. Late to the party, thought I read everything, and obviously didn’t.
@64 I do get what you are saying, and I respect conservatives like you, meaning ones who are not crazy and hateful, and just have a more traditionally conservative view of domestic economic policy. If that were the case with all conservatives we could have a very productive debate that would benefit the country as a whole. Unfortunately what Hunter78 @84 says is true. At least right now, those few fair-minded individuals do not speak for the group as a whole.
It’s wrong to assume at someone who is a “furry” HAS to be into beastiality. But being a furry doesn’t not ensure that one isn’t also into beastiality and it’s not unreasonable to think that a connection could exist. See all those modifiers? They were there from the start. So there’s no need for people to be jumping down my throat as if I said “OMG FURRIES LIKE DOING ANIMALS THAT’S GROSS”.
I didn’t.
Though “age play” is mild in the kink scene. “Common” might be a bit of a stretch for the rest of the sexual universe. Depending on what you mean by “common” and also what you mean by “age play” and also on what the definition of “is” is. :p
So again. Though not all people into pretending their partner is prepubescent are likely to actually hurt a young child, it is possible they are a pedophile.
By the way, pedophile is a real word with a real defintion which is not “someone into age play”. Are you kidding? I know Dan likes to make up new meanings to people’s names as it suits him but jeez.
Though the DSM has a lengthy definition of what pedophilia is, let’s just go to our trusty dictionary, shall we?
pe·do·phile /ˈpidəˌfaɪl/ Show Spelled[pee-duh-fahyl] Show IPA
noun Psychiatry .
an adult who is sexually attracted to young children.
Again, this is NOT the same as someone who molests/rapes children. We can all agree on that. Someone can be attracted to one group and not act on it (ask any closeted married gay person from days of yore).
But it’s not unreasonable logic for someone to think that someone into age play is more likely to be a pedophile than someone who isn’t. If you can show me data that says otherwise, please do.
Therefore: not an unreasonable question to ask. If a guy asked me to pretend to be male I might also wonder if he was gay or bisexual. It’s possible he’s not! But it’s not unreasonable to wonder if he is.
@62, thanks. I gather your socially liberal side doesn’t mind Ron and Rand Paul’s desire to make abortion illegal wherever possible?
“Fiscal conservative, Social liberal” in a nutshell:
I know that conservative social policy is hateful and wrong, that gay people, women, and minorities deserve equal rights… but I care about my money more so I’m going to vote Republican. But I want everyone to know I’m not ignorant… just greedy.
I grew up in a family of them, don’t front.
@81 BlackRose
Yes. I had in mind the actual case I know of concerning a person who came sniffing around my local BDSM group’s age players for access to an actual child. That person was turned in to the cops immediately. This was the one and only time such an incident occurred in all the years of this group’s existence.
@86 mydriasis
“it is possible they are a pedophile”
It is possible that anyone is. And it’s up to you, the person casting aspersions (modifiers are beside the point), to provide positive correlations. It’s not for the rest of us to prove the negative.
@ 73 – Yes, parents CAN be “that despicable.” Nice try blaming it on the kid though. Gee, that is exactly what pedophiles do! They transfer their neuroses on to the victims instead of taking responsibility for THEIR actions. It is extremely doubtful that the kid approached his parents unless you think the whole family is some white trash, sit-com inspired hot mess, in which case, you could be right. Again, doubtful and certainly ridiculous.
I could tell you stories of what I’ve seen parents do to their children which they perceive as totally acceptable without a question of whether their actions are “right or wrong.” Such things that the child will accept because they are the children and the only role models they have are the adults in their homes. Later, in the adult years, we get to see how the treatment manifests itself in the form of anti-social and self-harming behaviour in varying degrees.
So, stop blaming the kid, even by implying it. They are the adults and let’s be clear to ALL so-called parents on this thread, YOU are the adult role model in your child’s life whether you like it or not. ANY sort of treatment towards the child which does not benefit the child WILL eventually cause damage.
Too many people think that just because they’ve had sex, they can be parents. That is certainly not the case. I’d even go so far to say that there are a few on here who exhibit classic sexually abused pasts. They are quite easy to spot through the wording of some of the posts here. Think back to how that betrayal felt when you realised that everyone else’s parents weren’t doing that to them.
It is never the child’s fault. Never.
@86: Sure, a furry might be into bestiality. And someone who plays Grand Theft Auto might be into shooting actual prostitutes. But that’s not the way to bet, ya know? The two really have little to do with each other.
Most furries I know have fetishes that revolve around fantasy roleplay, either online or in person. Those fantasies are centered around animals that are anthropomorphic, i.e. have human characteristics. This is rather different from wanting to fuck something that’s not human in any way, shape, or form.
@86: If someone’s into age play, presumably they’re turned on by the fantasy of sex with a young child… that is usually the whole point of age play. Hence, they’d fall under the definition of a pedophile (being attracted to young children). I think we agree on that, and that there’s nothing wrong with consensually expressing the attraction or fantasies through age play.
What I’m not understanding is why you think that’s a problem, or why you would feel the need to ask a bunch of questions. Again, if someone was turned on by rape play, they’d be a “rapeophile” (or whatever the actual term is for being aroused by forced sex, if there is one) but not a rapist. Would you feel concerned that someone who wanted to play rape might actually rape someone? Do you understand that having fantasies and acting them out consensually doesn’t make someone more likely to abuse another person?
Dan, I want to thank you for coming out and saying this: ‘And for the record: No one is “100 percent okay psychologically,” and not everyone needs sex and/or a romantic relationship to feel content and enjoy life.’
Past discussions you’ve had about asexuality had led me to believe you didn’t understand or perhaps didn’t believe that not everyone needed sex in their lives. I now realize you do get it.
@ Mr. J
That’s an issue of freedom, my friend. I may require whatever I like of a sexual partner, and they may pick whatever requirements they like of me.
@Blackrose
Acting it out doesn’t make it more likely (I believe it makes it less likely) but HAVING the fantasy does make it more likely.
Or are you trying to say that those who fantasize about rape are no more likely to rape than someone who does not.
I think it’s about… roughly 80% of men who have fantasized about rape?
As for pedophilia inherently, it’s not a problem in general, although it is a problem for me. If someone is primarily attracted to prepubescent children, then I’d prefer not to have sex with them. Not because it’s “wrong” to have an attraction, but for the same reason I’d prefer a straight guy over a gay guy (or a bisexual man who is primarily attracted to men).
P.S. that’s my right, innit?
@80: Like saying that non-violent people forfeit their right to defend themselves against violence. Not tolerating those who seek to destroy us and our tolerance is not hypocrisy; it’s self-defense.
@94
Bullshit from start to finish.
@96
Well that was productive.
Thanks for your enlightening feedback. I think we both learned more about the world.
Hey, PORTLAND a-hole: the phrase is “Keep Portland Weird (or Beered, or Beard, or Queer, or whathaveyou)” NOT “Keep Portland Skeezy”. Quit making us look bad.
Oh P.S. if everything I said was bullshit… let me correct all of it.
Interpreting my sexual partner’s desires is NOT a matter of personal freedom
I may NOT require whatever I like of a sexual partner, and they may NOT pick whatever requirements they like of me.
Acting it out a fantasy DOES make it more likely that a person will want the real thing.
But HAVING the fantasy makes it no more likely the person will want the real thing.
*speculation based on a vaguely rememebered statistic from a textbook*
As for pedophilia inherently, it’s IS a problem in general, (although it is a problem for me.)
If someone is primarily attracted to prepubescent children, then I’d prefer not to have sex with them. Not because it’s “wrong” to have an attraction, but for the same reason I’d prefer a straight guy over a gay guy (or a bisexual man who is primarily attracted to men). (the above were my personal preferences, I didn’t know how to adjust them to Mr. J’s liking. Maybe he could let me know)
and finally…P.S. it is NOT my right to choose whom I do and do not have sex with.
@81:
As Austin Powers said “That train had sailed” — boy has it sailed. you want to reclaim the word pedophile? good luck, sweetie; and I’m saying that as someone with fantasies that range considerably out of my age range.
@ 67 (about 42) – Sorry for attempting some mild and innocuous humor on you. I sure don’t think I’ll do it again!
Letter Writer #1: Gross. Do not involve your kid. Just don’t.
For that matter, why involve anybody? Personally, I’m thinking a spray bottle with some heavily diluted soy sauce and rice vinegar, maybe just a touch of anchovy paste or some sort of ripe cheese. Presto, shorts with that “worn” smell by the truckload! And no skeevy, unethical, child endangerment issues to deal with.
Except maybe he might get a visit from the Federal Trade Commission, for false advertising? Though my two cents are that the bastards ordering up underaged underwear deserve to be bilked.
If your wife has nice ankles/feet and is game, you could sell her used shoes (preferably heels) to foot fetishists. Much lower creep factor, everyone involved is a consenting adult, no legal gray areas. I knew someone who did this for a while on eBay. I think I recall that if the shoes were really well-used, i.e. they had a foot-shaped stain in them, that was what the buyers were looking for. Probably they wouldn’t even need to be your wife’s real shoes, if you found suitable used heels at thrift stores and then photographed her feet in them.
Underwear? You fucking fuck, mister your fucked!
Put a elastic band around your fucking head and give it a fucking snap ya fucker.
God your a fucking dumb ass or good at trolling.
@45/46/KF79
Those are great questions. Some asexuals masturbate and some don’t – just like people of other orientations. I haven’t actually asked other aces (people who’s orientation is asexual) about whether or not they experience arousal though I know of at least one study (Brotto) who tested levels of arousal in asexual women and I don’t recall exactly what the conclusion was but I remember that her asexual participants did experience arousal. While it isn’t incorrect to call it “sexual arousal” it is important to keep in mind that women who identify as asexual may not view the arousal as necessarily relating to sex. Since I can only speak for myself I’ll use myself as an example with the disclaimer that my experience is not everyone’s experience. When I was a teen I walked around in a state of arousal almost all the time… like constantly, and now as an adult I still experience arousal frequently but the thought of intercourse is actually a huge turn off for me. There are other things that turn me on and masturbating does relieve the tension (and help me relax and help me sleep, etc) but that’s all chemical reactions – not sexual attraction, not sexual desire. I’ve talked to a lot of other aces and some of them use masturbation as a way to relax or help them get to sleep but some have compared it to getting a massage- it just feels good and isn’t about sex at all for them – they may or may not fantasize but, like me, it probably isn’t a fantasy about intercourse. I’ve also met aces who have told me that they do not masturbate- some had tried it and said it just didn’t really do anything for them or wasn’t worth the energy and others found the idea disgusting. But then I know lots of non-ace women who find the idea of masturbating to be totally disgusting (probably related to this whole socializing of girls to think of their vulvas as dirty, sadly). Anyway, the Brotto study and my own surveys suggest that asexual men masturbate slightly less frequently then men of other orientations and asexual women masturbate less frequently as well (something like 10% less likely to masturbate? It’s been a while since I looked at the numbers). Anyway, I have a little bit of information on my website which I haven’t updated in ages, but hopefully will get back to soon! : http://AsexualSexologist.com
@45/46/KF79
(sorry if this is a double post, this is the first time I’ve commented here and I’m not sure if it’s supposed to show up right away or if I did something wrong… won’t try again, promise)
Those are great questions. Some asexuals masturbate and some don’t – just like people of other orientations. I haven’t actually asked other aces (people who’s orientation is asexual) about whether or not they experience arousal though I know of at least one study (Brotto) who tested levels of arousal in asexual women and I don’t recall exactly what the conclusion was but I remember that her asexual participants did experience arousal. While it isn’t incorrect to call it “sexual arousal” it is important to keep in mind that women who identify as asexual may not view the arousal as necessarily relating to sex. Since I can only speak for myself I’ll use myself as an example with the disclaimer that my experience is not everyone’s experience. When I was a teen I walked around in a state of arousal almost all the time… like constantly, and now as an adult I still experience arousal frequently but the thought of intercourse is actually a huge turn off for me. There are other things that turn me on and masturbating does relieve the tension (and help me relax and help me sleep, etc) but that’s all chemical reactions – not sexual attraction, not sexual desire. I’ve talked to a lot of other aces and some of them use masturbation as a way to relax or help them get to sleep but some have compared it to getting a massage- it just feels good and isn’t about sex at all for them – they may or may not fantasize but, like me, it probably isn’t a fantasy about intercourse. I’ve also met aces who have told me that they do not masturbate- some had tried it and said it just didn’t really do anything for them or wasn’t worth the energy and others found the idea disgusting. But then I know lots of non-ace women who find the idea of masturbating to be totally disgusting (probably related to this whole socializing of girls to think of their vulvas as dirty, sadly). Anyway, the Brotto study and my own surveys suggest that asexual men masturbate slightly less frequently then men of other orientations and asexual women masturbate less frequently as well (something like 10% less likely to masturbate? It’s been a while since I looked at the numbers). Anyway, I have a little bit of information on my website which I haven’t updated in ages, but hopefully will get back to soon! : http://AsexualSexologist.com