I’m going to Barack Obama’s inauguration in Washington, D.C., on January 20. I’ve spent eight
years, one month, one week, and one day waiting for this. (But who’s
counting?) However, I am looking for suggestions for a respectful way
to protest the participation of Rick Warren. As a lifelong
Episcopalian, I really don’t want to engage in an antireligious
protest. (FWIW: I was annoyed with some of the antireligious people at
the anti-8 rallies. We need all our allies for this fight, so don’t
trash the engaged, progressive religious folk!)

While my friends want me to throw shoes,
that ain’t gonna happen. Ideally, I’d like a peaceful, gracious way to
protest Warren’s participation that won’t undercut this great day, a
way that can be picked up (and publicized) by folks on the Mall. Any
suggestions?

Faithful Obama Girl

Whatever you do, FOG, don’t do those things
you, um, already said you don’t want to do. No one should boo or throw
shoes or do anything disruptive. The American Taliban love to pretend
that they’re the persecuted ones around here, and booing or
throwing shoes or even just turning your back on Warren—the
gay-hatin’, right-wing Christian bigot Barack Obama invited to give the
invocation at his inauguration—will invariably be spun as an
attack on people of faith, as a vicious assault on prayer itself, as
the moral equivalent of a syphilitic rent boy pissing directly into the
open mouth of a crying baby Jesus.

Instead, borrow a page from those
long-suffering gay Catholics. To register their displeasure with the
pope’s revealing obsession with gay sex, gay marriage, and gay shoes
(the douchebag wears Prada), some gay Catholics wear rainbow sashes to
mass. Perhaps folks disappointed by Warren’s participation could
coordinate a similar sartorial protest? Everyone wear a button with
that rainbow-striped version of the Obama logo? Wave little rainbow
flags during Warren’s remarks? Head to the Mall in nothing but rubber
chaps?

And speaking of Rick Warren, pastor of
Saddleback Church and author of The Purpose Driven Life…

My life’s purpose over the last week was
reading thousands of proposed new definitions for “saddlebacking” sent
in by my readers. As with the new definition of santorum crafted by
Savage Love readers (“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is
sometimes a byproduct of anal sex”), the new definition of
“saddlebacking” has to be some act that (1) needs a name but doesn’t
already have one (we can’t just rename “reverse cowgirl,” people) and
(2) is naughty enough to discomfort, say, a Reverend Warren, but
something that actual people might actually do because that’s the only
way the actual word will actually get used.

So I’ve disqualified proposed definitions
that were too literal (“putting an actual saddle on someone’s
actual back and actually riding them”), too gross (“to
crap on someone’s back and then sit on it, moving forward and back
while making horse-riding-related noises like ‘giddyap!’ and ‘whoa!'”),
too complicated (“one person on all fours with a strap-on strapped to
their midsection, a second person riding said strap-on, and a third
person hitting the first person from behind while holding on for dear
life/giving a handjob to the second person”), or too bitter (“when you
give someone some kind of basic human right, like marriage, and then
take it away again after a few months”). Here are the proposed
definitions that made the cut:

(1) “Logically, if ‘barebacking’ means
having butt sex with no condom, then ‘saddlebacking’ should mean having
butt sex with a condom.”

(2) “Saddleback (verb): to submit someone to
any kind of humiliating, unreciprocal sex act, either literally or
metaphorically, consented to by passive partner due to
submissive/masochistic tendencies, desire for approval, or other darker
motive. E.g., ‘I don’t know why Obama is letting Rick Warren
saddleback him into presiding over his inauguration.'”

(3) “The saddleback position involves
placing your lubed dick between the butt cheeks of your partner. This
position can be performed on your sides or on top of a facedown partner
(maybe with a pillow under his or her hips). My favorite way of
finishing up the saddlebacking is to lift up and come on my wife’s
sweaty back. The saddleback is a nice compromise position when your
partner won’t allow anal entry.”

(4) “To saddleback is to rail against gay
sex in public while secretly indulging in the same in private. Ted
Haggard? Total saddlebacker. Larry Craig? Saddlebacker. Rick Warren?
Probably a saddlebacker.”

(5) “‘Saddlebacking’ should be the term for
the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in
order to preserve their virginities. ‘After attending the Purity Ball,
Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself
for marriage.’ Please, please adopt this definition!”

(6) “Saddleback (verb): to ejaculate on the
back of a partner at the culmination of doggy-style anal sex.”

(7) “Before being invited to give the
invocation, Mr. Warren was most noted for his book The Purpose
Driven Life. Therefore, ‘to saddleback’ is to fuck with a purpose,
i.e., to procreate. A heterosexual couple asked if they’re trying to
have children could reply, ‘No, we’re not ready for kids yet, but we’ll
probably start saddlebacking next year.'”

Those are the nominees, ladies and
gentlemen. But before we open the polls for a vote—you’re going
to pick the winning definition!—let me quickly handicap the
candidates:

(1) I like the idea that “sex” is understood
to include condoms and that sex without condoms—bareback
sex—needs a special term. But tons of people suggested that
“saddlebacking” should be the opposite of “barebacking,” so here it is.

(2) Seems a bit tortured and unlikely to come into common usage,
but I like the point the reader is making with this definition, so I
included it.
(3) Technically this kind of
assfuckery—butt-cheek fucking à la titty fucking, with no
actual penetration—is a form of frottage, but like a woman doing
a man in the butt with a strap-on dildo (dubbed “pegging” by Savage
Love readers), this particular brand of rubbing off could use a name of
its own. (4) One of my favorites—but does a Haggard or Craig
tumble out of the closet often enough for the term to come into use?
(5) Hilarious—and an entirely appropriate way to honor Reverend
Warren, who is a proponent of abstinence education, the “sex ed” that
has convinced so many Christian girls and boys that buttfucking isn’t
actually sex. (6) A common move—and not just in porn—that
could use a name. (7) Makes sense, so here it is. But I imagine Warren
would approve of this definition—except when lesbians used it
(even you, Melissa E.!).

Okay, Savage Love readers, “saddlebacking”
is in your hands now. Vote for your favorite definition from the list
of nominees by sending an e-mail to saddleback@savagelove.net. You
must include “saddleback” and the number of your preferred definition
in the subject line to have your vote count (“saddleback: 1,”
“saddleback: 2,” etc.). Vote now!

mail@savagelove.net

455 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. have to go with #5.
    and consider that it too is fucking with a purpose,and one in keeping with the metaphor of a saddle.the saddle doesn’t keep the horse from being ridden or from either the horse or rider being sore afterwards.absolutely saddlebacking is having sex-usually butt sex-with the pretense/misguided purpose of preserving virginity.

  2. Sorry, I know it’s too late, but I really think the definition for saddlebacking should be “the act of farting during or after, and as a result of anal intercourse”.

  5. 5 with the expanded definition of either 1) hetro anal sex or 2) teen anal sex. such as practiced by christian teens to preserve vaginal virginity.

  7. About the spotting:

    Dan Savage is not often a bit clueless, but he was here. But I guess it´s fair enough as you are dealing with intimate bits of female anatomy.

    If the lady did not have a problem with spotting before the pill, then the problem now is caused by the pill.

    In this case, she needs to try using different kinds of pills. It can be the 10th kind that is good for her. If she has no spotting and regular periods without the pill (so no other reason to be on the pill but birth-control), she should also consider some of the other methods of birth-control like the vaginal ring or even the coil.

    This lady should do some more research, and go to a doctor who is more interested in solving her problem. It should be pretty easily solvable.

  8. totally agree with kni

    Saddleback: 2 the best and one that needs a name, and the more biting of the options:

    (2) “Saddleback (verb): to submit someone to any kind of humiliating, unreciprocal sex act, either literally or metaphorically, consented to by passive partner due to submissive/masochistic tendencies, desire for approval, or other darker motive.

    Not sure I understand the 5 love: 5 is just ‘cute’ because it religion-bashes and can be combined with one other Savage(tm)Word, but the act does indeed already have a name. plus there are a dozen more humorous, and more likely to be used, names for 5’s silly misguided act

  17. I can’t believe there’s hardly any support for 6. I want a term I can use myself, dammit. how often do you talk about “abstinent” teens? now how often do you come on someones back/have your back comed on?

    6 for the future!

  19. Dan, I must disagree with your anti-Rick Warren crusade. I believe Barack made a wise choice in this, and no I’m not a born again evangelical gay basher (I am an atheist, pagan, heathen). I believe gays should have the right to marry and all the other accompanying civil rights. The last thing this country needs is a mirror image of Bush- that is a left side idealogue who makes an enemies list of all who disagree with their ideology and shuns them (“you’re either with us or against us”). That way leads only down. Barack understands this and is interested in moving forward and bringing as many Americans with him as he can. This can be so powerful. Think about the effect this decision has on Rick Warren and all his followers. I gaurantee you it is even now stirring up some great discussion and disention in the religious community. This is how we move forward. Patrick Stewart

  25. Yeah, 5 is pretty good. Not as good as Santorum though. As much as #5 needs a word, the image of a saddle has no connection to this meaning. And now that Dan Savage has put this competition out there, he’s going to be stuck with the task of standing behind it.

    But then, it’s probably going to grow on me, and soon enough I won’t even notice that this term has word ‘saddle’ in it.

  28. So what is a Jew who decides to have anal sex to preserve her virginity? But… in light that we absolutely unequivocally are upset with Obama’s choice of invocation meanderings… vote for cinco (5)!

  30. I vote for #5, except that it needn’t be unprotected by definition. Any anal sex, with or without condoms, is acceptable to protect the virginity of Christian teens.

  33. Definitely 5. A friend of mine said all her catholic girlfriends did this in high school. Perfect. Bristol Palin’s baby daddy is probably wishing he had saddlebacked.

  37. I like both #4 and #5. I propose adopting #5 as a ‘saddlebacking’ definition and holding another contest to name #4. Because I think the term (whatever it is)is increasingly necessary. In fact, this kind of hypocracy has become so common, I am beginning to think there is a god after all.

  40. I definitely vote for #5 it is the perfect definition given the context under which this contest is based 🙂

    Preservation of a woman’s virginity is paramount people, PARAMOUNT….oh, right and so is keeping the virginity of a guy, too…. yea…. that one is truly stressed 🙂

  41. Number 5, as I know some people who’ve outgrown conservative parents from hell and conservative religious upbringing, and some of them actually did do this!!!! Unprotected anal sex in order to preserve one’s “christian virginity” is something that actually happens.

  43. I vote #5. It’s not as perfect a fit for the word as #1, but it’s infinitely more appropriate for the person. Lets pin that bastard for something his pseudotheology actually encourages. To quote someone-or-other’s holy book- “by their fruits you will know them”.

  45. 5! Young Christians made hypocritical by their enforced ignorance needs a word.

    Of course, we used to say “Queer” for ANYTHING at all that was NOT procreative sex, but people didn’t like that because then 90% of people would be queer, no? 😉

  47. Number five, no contest! Also, because I don’t have a crippling short memory, I was able to remember the good advice you gave at the start of the column by the time I got to the end of it. You make a very good point: we need to give voice to our displeasure in a way that is unlikely to be misconstrued as something it’s not, so we don’t end up shooting ourselves in the foot.

    Hooray for paying attention!

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