Dear readers: I’m on vacation. The questions and answers in this week’s column are three recent installments of the “Savage Love Letter of the Day,” which folks with the SLAPP—the Savage Love app for iPhone or Android—receive daily via the miracle of modern technology. If you have the SLAPP, you’ve already read these questions and second-guessed my answers. Sorry about that. If you don’t have the SLAPP, you’re not getting your full weekly dose of Savage Love, and I’m sorry about that, too.

I have always been attracted to women. But I have had experiences with other males as well. All fondling. I have at times found the penis erotic, but it does not consume me. I enjoy women and prefer them in every respect. I get pegged, so to speak, as being gay quite a lot. I recognize why: I flirt with men. I like being nice and making people happy. I think some guys confuse my polite “I love everybody” hippie vibe for my being willing to suck their dicks.

I am a pretty boy, so perhaps this causes confusion. My eyes are feminine, I have long lashes, I make eye contact with everyone. Also, I notice that I tend to display “mate poaching behavior,” meaning I tend to flirt with women who are in relationships, and I have been with quite a few women who are in relationships, or married, and these “committed” women are often attracted to me.

I guess I am just a flirtatious guy. I consider myself a very sensual person. Also: I act more gay around homophobes, to the point where even I start to question myself. Yet I know I love women. I enjoy being with women and I am happy with women. It dawns on me that these accusers—the men who think I’m gay—might be the insecure ones. Many of the homophobes I meet display dominant behavior to each other: squabbling with friends, getting drunk and fucking with each other. From my hippie “all-is-love” perspective, this seems more gay than just being nice, sensitive, and caring.

To break it down: Sometimes I feel gay. But usually it is only around insecure homophobes who I don’t consider physically beautiful at all! I have been around a lot of gay people. I worked a promotion for a pride festival and a liquor promotion for a gay bar. I don’t feel gay around gay people!

I feel very frustrated, Dan, because I don’t feel confused at all, but I feel like I confuse people.

Damn Acronyms Really Evade

I should probably reread your letter before I bang out a response, DARE, but that might prompt me to throw my laptop, myself, or both right out the open window I’m sitting next to. So forgive me for dashing this off: Yes, DARE, you confuse people. And you’re doing it on purpose, pretty little hippie, as you damn well know. But allow me to unpack your bullshit for you just in case in you damn well don’t…

You pursue women who have boyfriends and flirt with men who have issues because you’re an egotistical little narcissist who derives sadistic pleasure from causing erotic chaos wherever you go. When you bed women who have boyfriends or husbands, it proves that you’re just as hot as you think you are; when you flirt with and unnerve straight-identified homophobes, it proves that you’re just as hot as you think you are. But you don’t allow yourself to flirt with good-looking dudes, DARE, because you’re not secure enough in your sexuality to risk batting your eyelashes at a guy who you might actually want to go to bed with.

I’m sorry if all of that sounds harsh, pretty little hippie, and there are worse things you could do than be a player and a prick tease. (And, hey, I’m all for fucking with conflicted closet cases.) But at some point, you’re going to have to admit—at least to yourself—that your “I love everybody” routine is a disguise, and you get off on creating confusion, and you’re a narcissist (perhaps with cause) with a sadistic streak (not that there’s anything wrong with a sadistic streak, properly channeled).

You’re the satyr, DARE, not the faun. Own it.

I’m 26, bi, female, and my idea of a successful long-term relationship lands somewhere between monogamish—awesome word!—and completely nonmonogamous. Basically, I want a primary partner but I enjoy me some women, and a threesome sounds like a great birthday present. I’ve tried telling potential partners about my kinks on the first date. At first, they’re all into it—I’m every dude’s dream, right?—but eventually the men all change their minds about wanting that type of relationship. What am I doing wrong?

Apparently NOT Every
Man’s Dream

So basically, ANEMD, you’re 26 years old and you’re still single.

Where do I send flowers?

Look, kiddo, you might wanna think of your romantic history this way: Every man you’ve been with so far either hasn’t wanted the type of relationship you’re offering or hasn’t wanted you. That doesn’t mean there aren’t men out there who do want the type of relationship you’re offering and/or you, only that you haven’t met one yet. And that’s perfectly normal for someone your age. Keep calm, carry on, and push that kink conversation back to the third date.

I’m a 27-year-old straight guy. This girl I work with is everything I want in a partner. We’ve been flirting at work and on Facebook, and it’s getting to the point where one of us has to make a move. But she’s already got a boyfriend. I’ve been the guy who gets cheated on, and I won’t do that to someone else. Also, I’ve recently been promoted and I’m now her immediate superior. She’s a shit employee: lazy, rude to customers, and last week I had to call her on a really basic mistake. Despite these complications, I want to make a real move on her. But how do I get around these issues?

Frustrated In Sydney

I’m having a hard time reconciling “everything I want in a partner” with “willing to cheat on her boyfriend.” A previous girlfriend cheated on you and that was a traumatizing experience. Do you really want to be with another woman who’s capable of cheating on her boyfriend?

Also: My naturally suspicious nature has me wondering if she didn’t see your promotion coming—the one that made you her immediate supervisor—and the flirting always was and still is an insurance policy that protects her from being fired. Right now, you’re not going to fire her because you want to fuck her, FIS, and once you’ve fucked her, you won’t be able to fire her because she’ll be able to accuse you of sexual harassment. See how that works?

My advice: Go to your boss and tell him that a little innocent coequal-coworker-to-coequal-coworker flirtation has been queered by your promotion, and it would be a sensitive situation even if the other employee was a good worker. But she’s a shit worker, and if she doesn’t shape up, someone is going to have to fire her.

And that someone can’t be you.

Ask your boss to place this girl under someone else, FIS, and after this girl’s new immediate supervisor fires her, you’ll quickly find out if she was ever really interested in being “placed” under you at all.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

352 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. also

    256

    “what do you have to say about the the commenters who lost their shit? Where is your keen eye for their stubbornness and fakeness and selfishness?”

    it’s a sign of vague mental unwellness want to be in the center of a shitstorm of drama and false fronts

    it is not unhealthy to want those people to stop being manchildren and grow the fuck up and stop hurting others

    it is pure projection that you see our anger at rotten individuals as “selfish” and “fake”, especially as the LW admitted in this thread to being willfully manipulative for entertainment

    stubbornness i’ll cop to, because these sick people are not used to people standing up to their lies and machinations

  2. I’m pretty sure DARE would make me want to claw my eyes out. He sounds like the incredibly annoying flirt that thinks he’s the shit because people keep smiling but they really just want him to leave and fall down a hole somewhere.

  3. I also have been professionally schooled in using and have used the DSM criteria in my professional work, but I also think they are just categories based on what we’re learning about gene/brain/environment/culture/family interactions. In addition, I come from a family, who, on any given day, displays unique combos of Cluster B and C traits that defy easy diagnosis.

    Like the DARE I know (and I’m trying not to project too much onto outofwater who is likely not the same person but they do share so many behaviors), most of them will admit these traits interfere with their ability to have fulfilling lives. Some are well aware that they push buttons to get a rise out of others or that what they do in a rage hurts others. Some justify hurting others. Others think they’re acting purely rationally because they think other people should do what they want and be who they want them to be all the time. You can see how easily what could be seen as just quirky personality traits shade into abusive behavior.

    When a person has a number of positive quirky traits, as DARE and those like him clearly do, they are fun and interesting to be around. But soon enough, if they’re not “owning” the drama-causing behaviors, as Dan advises, they push people away who want to have real two-way relationships, not just be on the line for whatever shots person in question is calling in his/her particular mood – and not dependable when you need whatever you need from your friend, lover, family member, etc. It’s not being a victim to set boundaries and take care of yourself when your loved one can’t or isn’t ready to hear how their behavior is hurtful.

    Here’s an example of someone who has dramatic personality traits, but who “owns” similar sexual needs to outofwater; she owns her desire to be sexual – and the “in-control” one – with a number of people as well as her discomfort with commitment. She finds partners through online sites. Yes, sometimes this does include married men. but it’s married me who are advertising; she doesn’t start humming “Let’s Get It On” the moment a committed man in her social circle hints at discord in his relationship. She can be a flirt, but unlike both outofwater and the DARE I know, she doesn’t lead anyone on she has no intention of bedding, she doesn’t say she wants monogamy while behaving otherwise, she is not seducing her way through her friends and co-workers, and she’s had the same group of good friends for many years because she hasn’t used sex and snaring others mates to compete with them.

  4. @idea struck — Guess you still haven’t internalized the “thinking beings” part of the equation which I addressed in my first comment on this thread. You act as if “your love” or my love or whomever’s love, would instantly melt into a puddle of self-destructive, remorseful sex juice upon the eye-batting of some quasi-fem gender queer guy, who’s probably a college-age type and a dime a dozen. Quit whining. If someone is old enough to be in a “serious 2-way relationship,” as you say, they’re old enough to turn on their player-dar and use it. If not, don’t date. What’s really unattractive is not people who like to flirt and mess around and maybe act a little self-centered for a few years as they discover the world around them. What’s really unattractive is adult “manchildren” who want to stomp their feet in the corner and scream, “That’s not fair!!!” while everyone else is having a good time. You don’t even know what the definition of an attack is, apparently. This is a disagreement, not an attack. If you prefer to rid your world of flirty players and keep your “love” in a safe little bubble, start a commune somewhere. Find the life you want to live instead of expecting other people to hand it to you. The only other motivation I can think of is maybe you’re jealous of DARE because you wish you had the cajones to live as freely and cerebrally as he does? Do share. If not for jealousy or childish wish fulfillment, what other reason are you acting like this? I’ll sit back and prepare to be amazed, you genius you. 😉

  5. @263: “who’s probably a college-age type and a dime a dozen. Quit whining. If someone is old enough to be in a “serious 2-way relationship,” as you say, they’re old enough to turn on their player-dar and use it. If not, don’t date. What’s really unattractive is not people who like to flirt and mess around and maybe act a little self-centered for a few years as they discover the world around them.”

    Wrong, he’s mid-thirties and far too old to be “finding himself” and this clueless.

    “What’s really unattractive is adult “manchildren” who want to stomp their feet in the corner and scream, “That’s not fair!!!” while everyone else is having a good time”

    But people aren’t having a good time. He has “enemies” everywhere, from his words.

    “you had the cajones to live as freely and cerebrally as he does”

    He’s a himbo hurricane of drama. Not everybody wants to be that dumb and out of control.

  6. Oh, I see from your blog that you’re diagnosed with BPD. No wonder you have so much attraction to a fellow sufferer and such disdain for anyone who speaks out against the more ill-effects that such a condition can have on others.

  7. I don’t know whether this thread makes up for my not having home internet since the hurricane (13 days and counting now!) or whether it makes me want to rend my garments from frustration at not having been able to compose a proper comment at home instead of at the library with an evangelizer having a telephone conversation right in my ear.

    I admit to having enjoyed people like Mr DARE, but it might have taken me a week or even a month to decide whether or not I liked him. What a shame I’ve no time to say more – or think of what to say!

  8. @263

    By love I’m not just talking about sexual relationships, I’m talking about any human relationship where love means caring about the feelings and needs of someone besides oneself.

    And, as Married in MA pointed out, there are lots of could but won’t moments where I could have fun and flirt, play people, have sex with them, but I don’t, because the temporary pleasure isn’t worth the chaos it would create in the larger social group, with professional contacts, etc. Which doesn’t mean I never party, flirt, get sensual, or have sex. These days I would in fact like less partying and flirting and more sensual sex, but I’ve got some other priorities at the moment…so I didn’t, for example, chat up either of the men who were flirting with me at the grocery store last night 😉

    There’s also a difference between being an honest, straight-up player and some of the stuff we’re talking about here. I’ve dated/slept with a couple of players with my eyes wide open, not slept with but been friends with a couple of players, or avoided some players who didn’t seem worth either sex or friendship, pretty well. But most were consistent and honest. Doesn’t mean there was never disappointment on one of our parts, but there was no behaving in a way to intentionally cause another person confusion or pain. I was even disappointed by a tease once but then we were able to become friends once I asked him to “treat me like a sister”. He listened and heard. The people we’re talking about don’t respect when you try to set a boundary and keep playing with your mind.

    I’m doing this because I watched a group of people get caught up in a circle which included several male and female DARES and it was so much fun for everyone at first, but it got ugly in ways that turned into chemical dependencies/poisinings in people who had been social users, eating disorders, law enforcement involvement, people going to therapy, friendships and professional relationships destroyed, back-stabbing, manipulation, paranoid game-playing and trickery, misogynist behind their backs smack-talk against the women who “would”, should I go on? Does this sound like the laid-back hippie loving ideal? I decided this wasn’t fun for me. Luckily, in the meantime I had friends in other circles (including a few who had left this one) who provided examples and reminded me of what friendship, love, caring and healthy sexuality (both casual and committed) was all about.

    Maybe if anyone else notices these dynamics are going on in their group, they can get out before they find themselves embroiled in one of the above types of maybe fun for some, but not-at-all-about-love chaos…

  9. DARE’s letter and all the comments that follow are surpassed only by @101…DARE finds an equally insufferable kindred spirit! Hahahaha, this has been the best SL I’ve read in a long time!

  10. @186 “He goes on about how suffering makes him upset. Does that not seem insane to anyone but me? If someone needs to expressly point out that they have empathy, doesn’t that seem suspicious to anyone but me? I mean, if I wrote a post saying “I close my eyes. That’s another interesting thing about me… During the day I close them very quickly so it doesn’t disturb my vision, and then at night time I lie in bed for a long time with my eyes closed the whole time!”

    Thank you, that made my day even more than DARE, outofwater, and @101 combined!! I’ve been laughing for the last 5 minutes…you sum up this guy’s self-absorption perfectly!

  11. @267: “He’s clearly homo; a hetero male would not describe himself as “pretty” or “gorgeous.” When I call him “sissy”, I am describing a specific type of gay. The male sidekick on “Will and Grace” is a fair example. Other males find him an annoying twit when he avoids work and talks about his gorgeousness. He knows why they’re homophobes, because he’s homo.”

    You’re forgetting the recent “metrosexual” movement. Very heterosexual men taking on feminine affectations for the purpose of attracting women.

    He was angry towards people he claimed were homophobes, but acted just as dumb-jock macho, and doesn’t have any actual interest in sex, relationships, or friendship with “lesser” gays that he can exploit and use/abuse.

  12. 270: It’s pretty silly, people with those sort of symptoms don’t “understand” neurotypicals (not referring to ASD) and try to fake standard expressions of emotion, but the more they try to sound like they’re concerned the more they come off like Coneheads.

  13. Sorry I verbalized that suffering upsets me. I will make sure to communicate less from now on.

    I think part of the issue here is that many of the aggressive posters who label me and call me names might find themselves insecure and undersexed. I feel your pain. Really I do. Sorry that you feel unhappy with yourself. I know you don’t believe me.

    No matter what any of you say – know I am a flawed, but compassionate person. Dynamics always require group input. I am not solely to blame for confusion and chaos. Jealousy and envy always play a role.

  14. @273: Sure, your suffering is legendary, but your sure don’t seem to give a fuck about responding to Dan and any other criticism. You come off as aloof, detached, and alien because you ignore the central premise of the arguments against yourself and evade, dodge, attack the critics and look like more the asshole seeing as you’re the one who claimed to have a problem. Are you that myopic? What are you going to do about the advice given?

  15. anonymous poster @259 addressing me: “the LW’s behavior is very destructive and a sign of greater issues that he is willing to admit but has NEVER been willing to address…”

    anonymous poster @260 addressing me: “it’s a sign of vague mental unwellness want to be in the center of a shitstorm of drama and false fronts…”

    Do you know who else accepted the challenge of taking himself into the center of a shitstorm? Jackie Robinson. He pissed-off half the country.

    All of the complaints against DARE only seem to be about how he won’t do what the complainers want him to do. Supposedly DARE is dangerous because he won’t take orders from anyone here. It’s just been crap.

  16. “Jealousy and envy always play a role.”

    Not everyone who encounters and ends up hating you wants to BE you.

    That’s where the narcissism comes in. Not everyone gets off on causing chaos, manipulations, and clumsily treating others like puppets.

  17. @Mike Leung or whoever told ‘ayn’ his opinion wasn’t valid because he hadn’t commented before: I’ve been reading and appreciating Savage Love since 1987 or something and have never commented till this annoying chain. Does that make my opinion null?

    @undead ayn rand — Love your style:)

    @outofwater/DARE – if you’re so sure of yourself, why do you feel the need to keep returning ad nauseam to justify? Go out and do some charity work (hey, for the homeless, since you’ve been there). Focus on something other than your bellybutton. And then people might actually start to like you!

    Oh yeah, also you NEVER use labels…hmm, so I collected a lot of ‘homophobe’, ‘tomboy’, whoever-else-you-are-pigeonholing (basically everyone who doesn’t share your point of view); you told someone they needed to get laid because you couldn’t think of a rational argument back (huge bullying label right there)… yeah, you don’t throw around any convenient tattoo, do you.

  19. @DARE: I know that it’s easy to say that people who criticize you are just jealous of all the sex you have and of your great self-esteem, but that isn’t the case. The fact is, most people don’t write gigantic essays analyzing themselves for other people to read because they’re incredibly boring. I, for example, read your original letter because Dan posted it, and I even read three paragraphs of your first response because I was trying to get context for the rest of the thread, but after that, I was just too bored to continue. That’s the reason why most people don’t write giant posts about the inner workings of their minds. It’s incredibly boring for other people. It’s not that other people don’t find the inner workings of their own minds fascinating; it’s that most people understand that talking about maybe one small trait with one illustrative, interesting story is about as much as other people want to hear. You, for some reason, have a vastly overestimated idea of how much people are willing to read about your personality on the internet. It may be because you have an insanely large ego, or it could be because you’re just not good at recognizing normal social patterns, or maybe you think you’re too cool for normal social patterns, I don’t know. What I do know is that posting multi-paragraph posts about yourself for strangers to read causes you to come across as extremely annoying and full of yourself. Maybe it’s just that your internet posting style is annoying, but you might want to work on that.

  20. #277

    Yes, I do use labels, and I regret it as a reductionist, narrow minded affliction of the mind. Everyone would prove to be so much more, if given a chance. I see labels as an act of domination mankind exerts over a world that without rhetorical back flips might cause him to face confusion, fear, and darkness.

    I know, and admit, that I do not know. Conflict, contradiction. They are not something I run from. Something I take refuge from in a house that I ‘OWN’, away from the daily struggle for survival that remains the status quo for the bulk of life as we know it.

    I don’t run, from the uknown, from chaos. I don’t expect anyone to share my pain with me, my false order.

    “You’re a sartyr, not a faun” Dan says. Well I say, I am both. And neither.

  21. Your article to DARE, Mr. Dan Savage, was completely awesome! I’m still sixteen, so just a kid really, and all this talk about messing with people and trying to look so cocky really cracks me up. You did a great job of telling DARE where he’s at, Mr. Dan Savage.
    And as for the kinky woman, you are absolutely right in suggesting that she push back the kink-convo to the third date if not more. I personally think that if you’re that woman’s age and you’re still single, you need to change yourself, but you were very kind about it.
    Keep doing what you’re doing! You are my role model.

  22. 280

    “I see labels as an act of domination mankind exerts over a world that without rhetorical back flips might cause him to face confusion, fear, and darkness.”

    i assume your style of masturbation is also “cinematic”

  23. Is this thread actually still going? LOL.

    All I can say is that if DARE were actually as sure of himself and happy with his life as he pretends, he wouldn’t spend half a week trying to silence his critics with “badass” one-liners and ridiculous quantum uncertainty babble.

    DARE, get your pretty little ass to a therapist already.

  24. I’m neither “good at people” or “good with people”. I couldn’t read every comment here — it was too overwhelming and repetitive.

    The one thing I know is that this has been an extremely lopsided pile-on. For good reason, it seems to me; however, it has been lop-sided.

    Why the pile-on? Why continue to engage with this guy, why not just walk away? So many people needed to say the same thing over and over to this guy. Something was triggered big time, it seems to me.

    Bottom line — I fear for DARE’s mental health after all this attention dies away. Again, I am not “good at people.” Perhaps all will be well, if DARE is as insulated as he is painted by some who have posted here.. But I know that when I am challenged, I am good at defending myself — however in the dark of the night later, it is a different story.

    DARE, be careful, okay?

    Everyone else, maybe it is time to give this a rest. There is nothing to be gained here by continuing this lop-sided pile-on. All has been said, surely?

    Dan? What say you? Part of this happened because you directed traffic here from your blog. Is this okay with you?

  25. theres at least a couple of posts supporting DARE, and they are kind of rambling and nonsensical as well. i wouldnt put it past DARE, one itsy bit, to pose as different posters and write praise of himself in this thread. guy needs serious psychiatric help, but doesnt seem the type to want it of course.

  26. JenjenS@281 “I’m still sixteen… [but] I personally think that if you’re that woman’s age [26] and you’re still single, you need to change yourself, but you were very kind about it.”

    It’s great to work everyday on becoming the person you want to be: brave, strong, productive, living in line with your ethics. But I recommend doing it for yourself, not as mechanism for getting a partner.

  27. To renounce belief in one’s ego, to deny one’s own “reality” — what a triumph! not merely over the senses, over appearance, but a much higher kind of triumph, a violation and cruelty against reason — a voluptuous pleasure that reaches its height when the ascetic self-contempt and self-mockery of reason declares: “there is a realm of truth and being, but reason is excluded from it!”
    But precisely because we seek knowledge, let us not be ungrateful to such resolute reversals of accustomed perspectives and valuations with which the spirit has, with apparent mischievousness and futility, raged against itself for so long: to see differently in this way for once, to want to see differently, is no small discipline and preparation for its future “objectivity” — the latter understood not as “contemplation without interest” (which is a nonsensical absurdity), but as the ability to control one’s Pro and Con and to dispose of them, so that one knows how to employ a variety of perspectives and affective interpretations in the service of knowledge.
    Henceforth, my dear philosophers, let us be on guard against the dangerous old conceptual fiction that posited a “pure, will-less, painless, timeless knowing subject”; let us guard against the snares of such contradictory concepts as “pure reason,” absolute spirituality,” “knowledge in itself”: these always demand that we should think of an eye that is completely unthinkable, an eye turned in no particular direction, in which the active and interpreting forces, through which alone seeing becomes seeing something, are supposed to be lacking; these always demand of the eye an absurdity and a nonsense. There is only a perspective seeing, only a perspective “knowing”; and the more affects we allow to speak about one thing, the more eyes, different eyes, we can use to observe one thing, the more complete will our “concept” of this thing, our “objectivity,” be. But to eliminate the will altogether, to suspend each and every affect, supposing we were capable of this — what would that mean but to castrate the intellect?

    Just when I think I am losing faith in humanity, all I have to do is read some Nietzsche.

  28. @289: I like that the whole paragraph sounds like you’re saying something, but it comes off as a meaningless markov chain built from lesser blog entries with a random call-out to a philosopher you haven’t read.

  29. Here’s some sincere advice for you, outofwater. Ignoring the issues brought up previously, stop pretending to know philosophy, psychology, sociology, anything you cover here. Start reading more. You have a basic germ of the ideas in each, but it sounds like you’re not reading any primary sources, only repeating what someone else implied the authors and concepts cover. Take some time, and if you’re as underemployed as you describe, you should have plenty of time to hit up your local library. Focus on one subject, be good at it, know it, even if you don’t get a job, you’ll at least have a more nuanced and interesting understanding of it for these sort of discussions with strangers and get less awkward yawns at parties. Grats to you for not subsisting on a diet of reality television, but your interest seems just enough to hypnotize a drunk, but not enough for to arouse anyone’s sober interest for long. Focus on something, anything, at least towards finding long-term employment.

  31. @bloomsday: the fact that undead ayn rand hasn’t commented before doesn’t make his points invalid per se… I merely brought that up because he (she?) is trying to so hard to flaunt his/her supposed “expertise” on relationships. If he/she is such an expert, where has he/she been all our lives, while we’re all desperately struggling to be just as “evolved” as him/her? Does that make sense? Just a thought. By the way, anonymous jerk who won’t even register but wants to bash me with invective… THANKS for reading my blog. Got ya, sucker!!!

    @EricaP: I just want to be extra clear that even though I used your uber-presence on this board as an illustrative example for some other assbags to read, you were not one of them and I think you are pretty awesome. Really.

  32. 293

    “By the way, anonymous jerk who won’t even register but wants to bash me with invective… THANKS for reading my blog. Got ya, sucker!!!”

    lifelong attention-hungerer gains attention, a victory for you!

    “I just want to be extra clear that even though I used your uber-presence on this board as an illustrative example for some other assbags to read, you were not one of them and I think you are pretty awesome. Really.”

    an insulting comparison, because she doesn’t take pleasure in the suffering of others as DARE and you may. her love life is not at the expense of others.

  33. @289 AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! DO NOT TARNISH NIETZSCHE!!!!!!!!

    I don’t care what you use to defend yourself, but leave him out of it. With his sister, the third reich, half assed translations and poor academic efforts in america regarding his life’s works; his memory really doesn’t need to be trampled on any further by being brought up in such a random nonsensical matter on a thread for sex/relationship advice.

    Just tell everyone, as you have dozens of times already, that you see no reason to change and that everyone here misunderstands you & etc. without turning this into an undergraduate class ethics discussion.

  34. Dare, you are SO full of yourself you should have a neon “No Vacancy” sign on your forehead. Every long-winded tome you compose only serves to prove that hypothesis.

    You are NOT all that, ok? You are NOT so stunningly beautiful and intelligent and self-aware and well-intentioned and actualized and humble (did I mention humble?) that you are simply teribly misunderstood by the rest of us lesser beings.

    You are an insecure, attention/approval craving, manipulative, selfish little twit. Dan called it (as did I after the first paragraph of your initial letter).

    This doesn’t mean you are an awful person…it just means you are ONE OF US. Get over yourself. Everyone else has.

  35. P.S. To clarify, I meant my remarks with all due respect and love…”One of us” is not a bad thing…we’d be happy to have you:)

  39. DARE,

    You really need to stop talking back to us, your superiors, and start doing as we’ve told you. Remember this: while OUR magnificent understanding of you comes from our incredible wisdom, experience, and erudition, your attempts to quote impressive sources are nothing more than jejune efforts at avoiding the great wisdom of OUR orders. In summation, you are a big fat poopyhead, and we hope you get ignored for the rest of your life, because we should not give a narcissist like you any attention.

    And you know what’s worst about you, DARE? You have no self-awareness. None.

  40. Okay. I have not made myself honest.
    I hold most of you in contempt. All you readers of and editorial staff at the Stranger. I tried to avoid a power struggle and see through to the individuals, but now I give up. I will dominate you in words, with labels, as you have done to me.
    We conflict. Our minds struggle in utter conflict. Your ideas and my ideas wage war.
    I hold you in utter contempt. The overwhelming majority of you are white, middle class bourgeoisie.
    Your order means nothing to me. My god is chaos. Your monogamous security I consider false.
    You cause chaos yourselves the world over with your concentrated fiat wealth and top down pyramid rape schemes.
    You support the institutions of hierarchy and power structures, all while assuaging your guilt with liberal minded, leftist pomp morals.
    You maintain your properties, your yards, your Volvos, your nuclear families, your jobs in upper management, as a swipe in class warfare.
    A police State, men with guns, protects your precious NPR order. You support laughable issues like Planned Parenthood and gay marriage while looking the other way, like cowards, while Obama crafts the largest arms deal in U.S. history with the Saudis.
    No I have no value for your version of order. The only thing you have that I consider sacred and beyond reproach are your children, even though I know, given time, you will craft them into replicas of your own repressed, frigid WASP minds.
    I will disrupt your status quos at every opportunity.
    I will continue to fuck your wives and confuse your insecure husbands.
    Your pitiful moralizing makes me cringe. Your precious truths beg enforcement by conveyor belt schooling and media homogenization.
    Your blood courses with big pharma artificial hormonal birth control and SSRI’s to render any vestige of primal, natural rage and resistance in your systems into vapor.
    Weak, pitiful souls. Too wispy to create your own meaning so you look to paternal entities like priests, teachers and politicians to spoon feed your values to you.
    You closet sadists and masochists, secretly wet and hard every day you join the corporate circus to kow tow to those above and mount those below like a pack of vying dogs.
    Crippled, hobbled ghosts who closet your fears and anguish at every turn to avoid the pressure to face your demons and question yourselves.
    False false and false. I tried to make peace but realize now I have always and will always hold you in contempt. I have no respect for your precious property or order. Yes, my god is chaos. And I am my own god.

  43. @303: “I hold most of you in contempt. All you readers of and editorial staff at the Stranger. I tried to avoid a power struggle and see through to the individuals, but now I give up. I will dominate you in words, with labels, as you have done to me.

    …

    You maintain your properties, your yards, your Volvos, your nuclear families, your jobs in upper management, as a swipe in class warfare.”

    This is class warfare?

    No.

    This is us laughing at you, the chaos-seeking drifter masquerading behind bohemian airs. “I am supported while I ‘find myself’, I blow through ‘friends’ when they prove themselves useless to me, and while I can regurgitate the works of others, i have no creative spark to justify my empty hedonism.”

    If you think Savage Love is a series of invectives on the underclass, you’re projecting your own loathing on those who cannot easily be provided with a comfy job through nepotism when it is time to “settle down”.

  46. Geez OUTOFWATER, just stop. I’m sorry you need a lot of attention right now but maybe you should go find it with all of those lovely people who love and admire you for your beauty and pure soul.

  47. Geez OUTOFWATER, please stop. It seems you need a lot of attention right now but maybe it would be more fulfilling to get it in person with whatever kind of person you like. It’s just sad to see you go on and on….maybe a therapist would help?

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